 The Columbia Broadcasting System presents a new comedy. My friend Irma. Starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane with John Brown as Al. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship. When other friendships have been forgot, there will still be hot love, love, love. Sure, it's something to sing about. They can sing about it maybe because they haven't any friends. But I'm singing the blues about it because I've got a friend. My friend Irma. Now don't get me wrong, I love that girl, most people do. It's just that Mother Nature gave some girls brains, intelligence, cleverness. But with Irma, well, Mother Nature slipped her a mickey. I will never forget the first time I met her. I was walking long looking for a place to live in New York and by a strange coincidence, I am having a very tough time. And I keep bumping into people and I keep saying, I beg your pardon, excuse me, excuse me until, oh, excuse me. I just never look where I'm going. I just keep walking with my head high. Just like the doctor told me in taking deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling like this. I keep counting to myself, one, two, three. Look, Miss, will you stop counting long enough to help me up? Oh, of course, you must be uncomfortable on your knees. Oh. Oh, no, not at all, honey. I'd love it down here if I was Al Jolson. Did you see that picture, the Jolson story? I just loved it. I cried and cried. Fine, fine. Now would you please help me up? Oh, certainly. Here, give me your hand. Oh, my, what a beautiful ring. You know, my, my boyfriend Al, he was going to get me one just like that. We had it all picked out, only you know what happened? It wouldn't fit your nose. It wasn't for my nose, it was for my finger. It wouldn't fit my nose. I wish it had. I could have pulled myself up. Oh, you want to get up, don't you? Yes, yes, if you please. I can't make much time crawling. I can't either. I always walk. Well, here we go. Up to the gaze. Oh, careful, you're dressed. Didn't we? Yes, we did. But you know something? They're wearing split skirts in New York this year. Yeah, I know, but not all the way up to the neck. Hey, we haven't been introduced yet. My name's Irma. What's yours? Goodbye. Oh, what an unusual name. What's your last name? Forever. That's a pretty name. Miss, goodbye forever. Oh, Irma. That's when I should have run, but I didn't. Apartments are too hard to find these days in Irma. Bless her heart is really a sweet kid. So I moved in with her in that one room furnished freight elevator she called home. Telephone's ringing. Jane, the telephone's ringing. Aren't you going to answer it? I don't know if it's for me. Well, take a chance. Take a chance, it's not your nickel. Hello? Who that you were going to use the telephone, he never would have invented this. Oh, Jane, I'm surprised that you, Alexander Graham, still invented the telephone, not Marconi. You see, I'm beginning to think like you. Everybody knows that Marconi invented spaghetti. Irma, the telephone. Oh, hello? What are you waiting for? Run down to the police station with the bail. Oh, don't be silly. He's not in jail. Hello, Al? That's enough for the vows, Irma. Now try the consonants. You have to spoil our Sunday by having that jobless, phony, windbag of an Al over. Jane? Yes? What's your opinion of Al? I like him. I think he's a live wire, and it's just a matter of time before they hook him up and put a chair under him. Don't pick on Al, because someday I hope to be Al. Oh, sweetie. Oh, sweetie, look, I didn't mean it. Now stop sniffling. You'll ruin your pretty face with your mascara. Come on. But I love Al. Yeah, I know you do, Irma. That's the reason I'm hard on him. I want to be sure that the guy who gets my little Irma's heart's got a big enough heart to match it. Gee, thanks, Jane. Gee, wouldn't it be wonderful if I married Al and you could, and we could have a double wedding? A double wedding? How do you figure that? It would be if you married Richard Rhinelander III. That was my blood pressure rising. Gee would mention his name. You see, Richard Rhinelander III is my boss and I'm his private secretary. I'm in love with him, but I have no chance to marry him because he's Richard Rhinelander III and I'm Jane Stacey the first. Oh, I tried everything to impress him. I even told him I lived in a very intellectual atmosphere and that my roommate is a promising young novelist. Oh, Stacey, you fool you. If he ever finds out how you live and what a mental midget Irma really is, you must end up right between the eight, nine and ten ball. Gee, I'd love to marry him. Irma, wouldn't it be wonderful if I wound up being Mrs. Richard Rhinelander III? The third, what good is that if he has two other wives? You know, I won't even stop to answer that one. Gee, I couldn't marry a wealthy man and have to go to the opera. I don't know a thing about Shakespeare. Honey, with $5 million, all you got to know about Shakespeare is that he's dead and you're alive. Well, let's forget Mr. Rhinelander. I'll never marry him because there's a difference in family. His ancestors were Mayflower people. Gee, they made all that money out of donuts. Irma, if you say another word to me, I'll scream. Well, if you do, you'll wake up Professor Capopkin, the violinist downstairs, and he needs sleep. Irma, I'm going to take a bath. Well, Jane, don't use all the hot water. This is the day we wash your dishes. He's busy. You want to hang on for about 20 minutes? You're a roommate. How's my book? Oh, I finished it and I'm starting another. Hard on me. No, you know those giant comics are mostly pictures. I'd like to meet you too, Mr. Rhinelander. Say, I've got an idea. Why don't you dash over for dinner tonight? Huh? Oh, it's no bother. Oh, we'd love to have you. And by the way, if it's not inconvenient, I ask your mother to bake us some donuts. Oh, remember, see you at 7.30 and don't bother to dress. It's strictly all grottin'. Hey, I'm glad you came over. I didn't think I could make it. Took time off from three deals that were just simmering, dying to burst into flames, stuff like stucco bathtubs, scratch while you bathe. From Mingus Projects. Oh, Al, you're always talking business. You've got to be on my toes, honey, if you and I ever expect to settle down in that cozy little 30 room cottage. Yeah, I just love to hear you talk like that. Come over here a minute, honey, and look in my eyes. What do you see? Mureen. Now, there's another great moneymaker. Wish I'd thought of that. Al, I know how ambitious you are, but can't you forget business and be a little more romantic? Well, I'd love to, kid, but in order to give you the good things in life, I got to start thinking about this big deal I got brewing. Oh, gee, Al, if your deal comes through, maybe you and I could settle down on a little ranch. I can see it now, the egg and Irma. Hiya, Janie, what's the good word? Jane, Al's got a big deal on it. And what a deal. I just happened to line up no less than $100,000 worth of surplus army goods. Gee, Al, what kind of surplus are you going to sell? Rip cords. Rip cords. This is a big deal. I got a pajama manufacturer lined up to take the whole lot of it. I even got an advertising gimmick with these rip cords. Listen to this. You get up in the morning and bail out of your pajama. You like it, Jane? I don't know how I ever lived this long without it. And that ain't all. This is a big promotion. You take a two-page ad in life, showing a picture of a beautiful girl ready to retire. And underneath, the caption... Hit the silk. Yeah, how'd you know? It figures. I think it's wonderful. What do you think, Jane? You know the whole thing has tired me out? I'm going back and take another shower. You see, chicken, I'm a beaten man. Jane doesn't believe in me. Well, that's not true. Jane likes you, Al. She always takes two showers on Sunday. I see. One for herself and one for those dirty looks she gives me. And besides, Al, once you get to know Jane, you'll realize that her bark is worse in her trees. You know, honey, I wouldn't say this to anybody else. But things are going so badly for me lately that I may be forced to do something desperate. Al, you're going to get a job? Irma, watch your language. I'm sorry, Al, I only dropped... A job? Irma, supposing a man like me would consent to go to work safe for a bank at a small start and salary of $500 a week. Naturally, somebody like me moves fast. At the end of a year, I'm making $1,000 a week as a second vice president. In two years, I'm making $2,000 a week as a first vice president. In 10 years' time, I'm president of the bank and I got $100,000. Where do I go from there? I'm in a rut. But, Al... Irma, I'm in a rut now and it didn't take me 10 years to get there. So you see how foolish it'd be for me to get a job. You understand, kid? It's clear to me, Al. It is? Well, I'm glad. You're a great girl and you deserve the best. But I don't want the best. I want you, Al. You know, the breaks have always been against me. It'd be different if I wasn't a practical man, but my deals are so sound. It's all a question of the breaks. T. Al, I wish there was something I could do to help you. Thanks, chicken. But a guy like me with my ideas has got a mix with the right people. If I could only meet a man who's a millionaire. Well, Al, suppose you met a millionaire who's got money besides. Irma, what do you mean? Well, Al, I'm throwing a dinner party tonight. Dinner party? Uh-huh. Yes, I've invited James Boss over. You know, the millionaire Richard Rynlander, the third? Richard Rynlander, the third? Yeah, she's crazy about him and I thought an intimate gathering would bring him together socially and financially it would bring the two of you together. So why don't you just surprise us and drop over casually after dinner and bring your ideas? The millionaire Richard Rynlander, the third. You know, Irma, if a guy like me with my ideas could meet a millionaire like James Boss, it'd be a natural combination. Oh, wonderful, Al. It'll be perfect. I can kill you and Jane with one stone. But won't Jane mind my coming? No, it's a surprise party. She doesn't even know Richard Rynlander's coming. Thanks, baby. You're a genius. I'll be there. Oh, before you go, Al, haven't you forgotten something? Huh? Oh, yeah. What time does Rynlander get here? Irma, is Al left? Yes, leave her now. So long, ladies. See you later. Honey, be careful going home. There's a crime wave on. Yeah, Al. Keep your hat turned down. You don't want to get picked up. Ha, ha, ha! You fracture me. So long, chicken. See you later. You asked me, so I'll tell you. For me, he'd be obnoxious. Well, for me, he's perfect because I wear low-heeled shoes so we're both the same size. Irma, please don't make me feel any worse than I feel now. Well, don't feel low, Jane. I've got a surprise for you. You know who's coming for dinner tonight? Richard Rynlander the third. Oh, wonderful. And I'm Margaret O'Brien by a former marriage daddy-catter. Irma. Yeah? Let's go out for dinner, huh? See you movie tonight? Well, we can't make it tonight, Jane, because we're having a dinner party. We're having a dinner party? Yes, I told you. I've invited your boss, Richard Rynlander, the third to dinner tonight. You invited my boss to dinner tonight? Here? Irma, how could you? Oh, it's simple. He called up and asked to talk to you, and you were busy, so I invited him. Oh, no. This is all a dream. Oh, and after dinner, Al's going to drop over and Professor, and if Professor Kropotkin comes up, it'll be a wonderful party. Oh, no, this is a nightmare. Give me that phone. Maybe it's not too late to stop him. Oh, dear. Oh. Hello? Hello, is Mr. Rynlander there? He's not? Well, could you please tell me where he went? Oh, he left to go to a dinner party at a Miss Jane Stacey's. Thank you. Nothing. Just writing a suicide note. MUSIC And now the sportsman with the lad Gluskin and his orchestra and their own special arrangement of... Good night, ladies. Good night, ladies. Good night, ladies. We're going to lead you now. Merrily, we roll along, roll along, roll along. Merrily, we run along or the deep blue sea. Or the deep blue sea. Hey, ladies... Hello? Good night, 2 loophies. Hey! Hello? Night. 2 loophies. Marrily, merrily, we roll along. Merrily, merrily, we roll along. Marrily, we roll along, roll along, roll along Merrily, we roll along or the deep blue. Marriedly we roll along, roll along, roll along. Marriedly we roll along, roll along, roll along.. Marriedly we roll along, roll along, roll along. Marriedly we roll along more. Theienne de Blousy... The third is coming to dinner. Now I'm really trapped, because I told him that I lived in an artistic neighborhood, and that my roommate was a budding novelist. How could I justify having him sit around with that that scintillating duo of conversationalists Irma and Al? Mr. Rhinelander is expecting an evening based on table talk a la information, please What he's gonna get is people are funny or it pays to be ignorant Well finally 730 rolled around the bottle of martinis was catching a chill in the icebox and I was running a fever in the living room Richard would be arriving at any minute and Irma wasn't ready. It's 730. I know Jane I'm just getting into my dress. How do you like it? Don't you think you ought to get a little further into it? Al likes this dress Al would but mr. Rhinelander wouldn't come on, huh? You've got just time to walk this broom around a few times. Okay Irma hunt No, no don't sweep the dirt under the rug man downstairs been complaining complaining. Yeah, you know that hole in the floor Jane, I have a wonderful idea Why don't we take the rug off and then with a hole in the ceiling we'll have cross ventilation. Oh I I'm so nervous. Don't worry. I'll handle everything. Haven't you confidence in me? Well, certainly I have then why are you shaking? I always shake like this before I have a nervous breakdown No, no, let's not be nervous, huh? Let's let's just take it easy Now let's see first we we serve the martinis and then I don't I don't have to drink a martini. Do I Jane? What's that got to do with it? I'd rather have milk But how can you drink milk when we're drinking martinis? Oh, I know I'll drink milk, but I'll put an olive in it He's here. Oh, he's here now. Listen to me. I'm not worried. I'm not worried I've got confidence in you and I know you'll do everything right because if you don't I think I'll kill myself and then you Okay, Irma put the broom away Come in I Think you're part of but the Jane Stacy lit. Oh, of course. Good evening Jane. I didn't recognize you for a moment That's because you didn't take the curlers out of her hair How silly of me a come in come in mr. Rhinelander may I present my roommate Irma? How do you do? Hello Irma, would you mind taking mr. Rhinelander's hat? I can't why not his head is still in it. Oh Oh, I'm sorry here it is Irma now that you have mr. Rhinelander's hat, would you mind taking the broom away from him? Oh Irma Now that you have the broom would you mind taking mr. Rhinelander's hat away from him? Won't you sit down mr. Rhinelander? Oh, thank you Jane, but you don't have to be so formal my friends always call me Richard Thank you Cigarette Richard. Thank you match Richard. Thank you. Ash tray Richard. Thank you Cigarette Irma. Thank you match Irma. Thank you. Ash tray Irma. No, thank you. I don't smoke You writers you're all alike witty and eccentric. Yes, I knew you'd like Irma's width. It's so so natural Yes, so I noticed My what a charming apartment you have here. When will the remodeling be finished? Remodeling Modeling this is it Yes, it's small it's small, but our neighbors are so interesting artists writers Musicians, you know, for instance, there's a very famous violinist who lived downstairs. He's a professor Kropotkin Kropotkin Kropotkin. Yeah, he plays in the Paradise burlesque Have you ever been there? Well, I don't think so well It doesn't matter you wouldn't have seen him anyway because he plays a violin under the runway Yes, a lot of our neighbors are eccentric, but they're all artists. Oh, I know what you mean a charming environment. Yeah You know it's hot in here. I think I'll open the window Into dinner and be the oldest woman in the United States and Canada I'll never forget that dinner. It started off with Irma taking from the right and serving from the left She also did a little dropping in the middle And mr. Rhinelander looked very fetching wearing a hamburger over his right eye Then we got to the dessert and it seems that Irma had put the dessert in the wrong tray in the icebox It was the first time I'd ever tasted cauliflower sherbet So much for the food the conversation was a monster in its own right Richard said Fortunately, I've been able to travel considerably Irma, do you like to travel and Irma says? Oh, yes. It's really the only way to get any place And we decided to have our coffee in the living room. Well Jane that was an excellent dinner Wonderful food. That's nothing unusual. We always have food for dinner. Oh Irma you have a priceless with hasn't she Jane she has oh, yes, she has You know, mr. Rhinelander, I envy Jane working for you. Yes, the investment business can be exciting But you know, I wish I had more time for sports. Oh, you do love sports. Don't you Richard? Yes I don't like to brag or appear stuffy, but at college. I won my letter in six different sports Oh, isn't that wonderful? And weren't you voted the the best-looking man on the campus? Oh, well, Jane I was only kid stuff but getting back to sports since going into business with dad He sort of kept me hopping. You know how the office is but Jane with you being the capable secretary You are I I've been able to find some time for squash and badminton at the athletic club Oh, well personally, I love golf. It's such an exciting game and yet. It's a simple. Yes But you know tennis has a dash of that same excitement. I swim ride horseback play tennis bowl and shoot pool I'm uh, do you really do all those things? No, but I have to keep up my end of the conversation No, thank you. I think your wise coffee does keep one away. Yes coffee does have that effect on me How about you, Irma? You've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil We know you're in the conversation dear just take it easy. Well, okay, I think I'll open the window. No, don't know Irma the window Oh, stay out tonight. Isn't it Richard? Well, now, let's get down to business. When are you two going to get married? Richard I really don't know what to say. Well Irma really I'm very fond of Jane But of course, you know, there's my father your father. Let him get his own girl Hi, yeah, oh Look, Jane. It's Al. The next sound you hear is Jane Stacy blowing her brains out I'd like you to meet Richard Rynlander the third Richard. This is my boyfriend Al. How do you do? Well, hi Richard heard a lot about you Richard. Wouldn't you care to go to a movie or something? Oh, no sense. I'm breaking up the party. Let's sit around and chew the fat Richard's not hungry. Al We just finished dinner Well, what's new on the street the street. Yeah, you know the exchange. Oh, well cotton was a little slow this past week Uh-huh knew it. What about steel? It's a little off. I know it Richard You can see for yourself the handwriting's on the wall. Really? You've got to get out of Wall Street. I do Oh, absolutely. Sure. You could plug along making a million here and a million there, but have you got security? Oh Well Al I'm pretty satisfied with the investment business and I think there's a great future in it for me Granddad was president and then father became president and soon I'll be president. You see what I mean armum. Yeah, the whole family's in a rut Well, it's not too late rich. There's a place for you in my organization Richard Let's go to a movie. No Jane let him talk this whole thing may develop into a merger Mergie you're right Irma Richard. I'm gonna make a big man out of you How would you like to team up with me? Well, I now listen to me Richard? Here's the plan. We've a chance to corner the market on surplus ripcords. We'll go out into the open market by shot Just like I planned the boys are in there getting along beautifully beautifully Richard reaches for his wallet He'll shake hands with Al Now listen to me Irma. You've ruined me. I should never have moved in with you Don't put Jane me I don't care what you thought you've ruined everything Imagine his coming from his mansion on Park Avenue to this dump not a top it off You're your boyfriend Al is trying to sell him ripcord, but Jane Al's only trying to fix it So he has security Irma. I've got news for you Richard Vineland of the third has five million dollars He hasn't even counted yet, but after he counted what then he'll be in a rut By inviting him to dinner tonight, you've just ruined me Now I'm going back in there apologize quit my job and spend the night at the YWCA. But Jane are you a member? No, but I'll join Another thing the next time we meet on the street. I only want you to say one thing. Goodbye Well general motors go for it Richard their tongues are hanging out for ripcord. Well Al I mean I mean mr. Rylander I I can't tell you how sorry I am I sorry about what you know I'll bring you down here and having you meet people like Al and Irma Jane with nothing to be sorry about I'm delighted to have met Two such real people as Al and Irma and we're delighted to have met a millionaire with money Irma how could you now now leave her alone Jane? That's what I like about Irma now. They're so natural and honest Dickie, thank you for that boat of calm I'm so happy for you mr. Rylander now you can have security you see Jane you see Richard You see you were so wealthy and you live on Park Avenue and everything and I thought you're coming here. Well Well, I tried to impress you and I guess I've just been a fool Well, I don't know what to say. Well, I'd like to say thank you Jane for a splendid evening I like your apartment and I think Al and Irma are swell and now if you've got time I want you to drop into the office and maybe we can go into your ripcord proposition at length Well, I've got to run along now. Goodbye Jane and please invite me again real soon. Goodbye Richard Well got a run now. Where are you going honey? Where am I going? Now I got to see where I can get hold of some ripcords And that's my friend Irma My friend Irma was written and directed by Sy Howard This is CBS the Columbia Broadcasting System