 The Abbott and Costello program brought to you by camels listen to the music of Freddie Richard his orchestra the songs of Connie Haynes, Billy Gray, and little Matilda the famous cartoon character Bugs Bunny tonight's guest Metro Golden layer star of marriage is a private affair The Abbott and Costello show tickets, please See the Abbott and Costello show Really folks. It's a good show Won't somebody please come in? Come on in your couch. Okay, Niles. Why it's but Abbott hello, but hello, mr. Abbott welcome back Thanks, Mrs. Niles listen have either one of you seen Costello He was supposed to meet me here in the lobby of NBC and it's almost time to start the broadcast Personally, I don't care if Costello never shows up all last season. He did nothing, but insult me but Mrs. Niles Don't tell me you're carrying a grudge for a year. Well, why not? I've got a sister I haven't spoken to in 20 years and Costello reminds me of my sister except for the mustache, but Costello hasn't got a mustache. No, but my sister has Look who it is. Hey Costello where have you been? Look at you. You're perspiring something awful I ain't perspiring Abbott. I just took a shower with my shirt socks and underwear on you took a shower with your shirt socks And underwear on what's the idea? Do you know a quicker way to get your laundry done? Oh Oh Kenneth did you hear that joke? Yes, dear. There will now be a slight pause for a station fumigation Don't tell me that's mr. Mrs. Niles. Well, mr. Costello doesn't look like us. I wasn't sure I thought maybe I was getting sick again Costello no fighting, please. It's it's almost time. It's almost time to go on the end Oh, yeah ready to go on the air. That's right I can hardly wait to get in front of that microphone and also with Lana Turner. Hey, come on Abbott Come on. Let's get inside. Just a minute. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, but I'm the NBC manager Fogel. You're what I'm Fogel. What are you doing for it? No, mr. Costello, you don't understand you've been a pretty sick young man And we'd like to have the NBC doctor check you over before you go into the studio Are you kidding? I gotta get on the air my public is waiting for me. Oh, I wouldn't worry about him Oh him. He's a nice guy now castella. We got more than one. I know, but we got three y'all I take it easy. Take it easy, please take it easy. Remember your blood pressure. Oh, there's nothing wrong with my blood pressure When I was down in Palm Springs, I used to drill with the soldiers. Well, that's stringent. Oh, I should hope to tell you I did everything they did I'd get up at Sunday morning and I take a 20 mile hike Exercise for three hours drill for three more hours, and then I'd get up Tuesday morning. What happened to Monday? Wait a minute. What happened to Monday? What happened to Monday? Yeah, you should be so inquisitive. Yeah, who got up Monday? Oh, I see. I didn't get up Monday. I can see that. Well, mr. Costello. How about the physical examination? We can't let you in the studio without it. I tell you There's Pogel. No, no, no, no. Stop yelling Costello. What's your pressure? But do you see anything wrong with me at it? Well, your legs look a little weak. They're bending way out Oh, I can't help that. It's a long pull from my socks to my gutter belt Studio Costello, we're going on the air. Okay, Niles Come on. Let's go. I've been waiting eight months to meet Lana Turner. Just a moment, mr. Costello Now what? I'm from the insurance firm of Birchbark and canoe. I'm Birchbark. Where's canoe? He went up the river Ladies and gentlemen, every show must have a bad joke. This one is on us now Thank you. Now look, mr. Our program is going on the air and we're in a hurry to get to the studio exactly why I'm here mr. Costello in view of your long illness the network has sent me over to check up on your insurance They must be protected, you know now. How about some life insurance? No life insurance for me, brother Why not? I took some out a couple of years ago and nothing happened. No No, Costello. He means a policy. Are you interested in a straight life a straight life? Yes No, sir. I'd like to sneak out once in a while But the payments on this policy mr. Costello are very low for instance It's much higher in Canada. And do you know the premium in England? Sure church. Oh, I Mean after all it calls for it. Abbot will you get the sky away from me? I'll mr. Broadcast I'll shut up Costello pay attention. All right forget straight insurance We also have 10-year endowment 20 pay life annuities and health insurance with double indemnity now What would you like to take out Lana Turner? Oh? No, Costello. He's talking about something that'll be good for you in your old age. So am I I'll look here Costello. Let's pretend you're in an accident. What would you do if you lost a leg? Well, what I care I got another one No, no, what do you think our company would give you for that leg? $250 Abbot is a guy if I lose the leg once you give me $250. Is there anything like that $250 for one leg? Yeah, I won't sell Oh, you don't understand why last year my company gave over $1 million for broken legs alone. What did they do with all the legs? No No, no, look look Costello you don't understand diamond. They don't do anything with them. Whatever happened the least time I don't know look that's that's a different party entirely. You don't understand. You see listen every time There's an accident somebody gets paid off for example yesterday a man breaks his leg He gets $500 today. Somebody breaks his neck. He gets a thousand. I wonder who will hit the jackpot tomorrow Has nothing to do with the jackpot now for instance if I sprain both knees and break both ankles I get $10,000 or I can settle for $3,000 by waving both knees. How much do you get if you wiggle your ears? Hey, look at it. I had enough of this now. I want to get to my broadcast come on Costello you haven't had your examination yet. Get out of my way Fugu yeah Costello Costello you're going in the wrong door. That's a closet. That's a closet Never McGee start with a modern treatment of an old favorite put your arms around me Simply must put my foot on this. Well, Mr. Costello You must be examined by the NBC doctor before you can be allowed in your studio But what about my program foogle a lot of turners waiting for me. Oh, don't worry Costello You can prove you're all right. Anyway, he's a fine doctor. Oh, he is. What's his name? Dr. Jones? PhD MDS LLD what school did you go? That's a fine way to spell Jones Go on in with will you go in please? Okay, Dr. Jones is Mr. Costello He's been very sick for a long time and he must be examined before we can let him in the studio I'll be right back certainly Google now, Mr. Costello take off your coat best tie shirt undershirt socks shoes and suspenders Do you mind if I leave the hair on my chest? Costello quiet. Go ahead. Dr. Jones now open your mouth Costello whiter whiter whiter Hmm, my brother would like to see that Abbot. Is he a doctor? No, he's looking for an apartment. I Think I got things mixed up that guy's no doctor. What do you mean? He's no doctor. That's my line, please Do you mean by saying that? Thank you? I know I heard that someplace I don't see a stethoscope. I don't see Lana Turner. Lana Turner got to do with it. Nothing. I'd just like to see it I resent this mr. Costello. What am I stupid a dope a moron try numbskull. What am I a numbskull? I like stupid better Costello stop that continue with the examination doctor very well now mr. Costello just hold still and I'll listen to your heart My that strange your heart sounds like a clock Good heaven The alarm rang at eight. I can't understand it. Here. Can I dot I set it for seven That's what we talk said. Dr. Jones is a Johns Hopkins man. So what my father sent me to Wilson. Well, well What words they sent me to Wellesley. Wellesley is a girl school I know my father always wanted me to have the things he didn't have I'll just go ahead miss cruise by and lay that pistol down to the OB. Let's follow them People are going in to see John's other life. I You kidding John sort of wife Yeah, who are you for a rabbit? Hey, you like to talk, you know, we could make a great thing rabbit and costello He's pretty cute. That's a lot. Why don't we keep them around? Yeah, but who wants a hair in his butter We're wasting time. Don't leave me fellas. I'm feeling very sad today. What's wrong? Well, I broke up with my coil dog. We was going steady Every day I used to bring her a carrot course charge Boy did we have fun. We gamble over the fields together play hopscotch and check up on the victory gardens But it's all over fellas. I guess we were just never meant for each other. Why not? She was a gopher do was to get into the studio Why didn't you say so doc? Look, all you have to do is go to that door toy left toy right go two miles over The skyway three miles over the byway then six miles down the highway and before you know it You'll see Lana Turner taking a sunbathe on a patio, but I know doc, but that's livin family man By the way, bugs, how do you stand in the draft? Well, they just reclassified me one a and I got 480 kids wait a minute just a minute. They wouldn't put you in one day if you've got 480 kids I'm a rabbit duck. They came after Pearl Harbor Back with us again. She sings a new rhythmic That's a drag the great in the Navy never Well, you And when you get to India Costello who are still having trouble getting into the studio boys. Oh boys wait a minute. Oh Fogo that's an understatement. I have some very good news for you, mr. Costello you can go on the air now your base of metabolism is impeccable while your hemoglobin content is rich in high-pitched Roussillian and your capital is a simply pulsating now. Listen brother. What's your language? I got my modest picture in my pocket Oh, will you stop that please mr. Fogel means the doctor has given you an okay to broadcast come in the studio And keep quiet the programs on All my darling The girl is Lana Turner on break it up break it up That's Niles is no lover. Oh, yeah, I've kissed women who wouldn't look at you. Oh, yeah, I've kissed women who wouldn't look at me either Costello will you stop fighting? I'm not fighting Abbott knowledge and Niles on this program You take care of the announcement period and you take care of the comedy question mark Why Niles well if you're gonna appeal to me as a woman, of course if you're a man you wouldn't appeal to me Miss Turner, please forgive Costello. He's a little impulsive No, no, he said impulsive. I am P you well Now listen, you wouldn't talk that way Lana if you saw my last picture Oh, you mean the one where you were on the ice. Hmm. That's the one. What did you think of it? Certainly kept well this girl all quiet. Come on Costello. This is where we're supposed to do a love scene Abbott I didn't know you cared. Well, I do Lou. I never mind that you want to do a love scene with me No, no, no, no, no, let's pick up the furniture. Well, you keep quiet No remarks. I mean a love scene with Lana way back. Listen No, this might be interesting to you. I'm talking about a love scene with Lana Turner Oh, I just adore love scene. Are you ready? Mr. Niles? Mr. Niles? You heard that Costello. She wants me You see Lana since I put Niles on this program success went to his head from where I'm standing It looks like success went to your stomach Did you hear that Abbott? What an insult. Oh, she's right Costello. You are fat Well, I may be a little fat on the outside, but underneath I'm solid flat Let's go Niles. Get on with the love scene. Yeah, but what about me? You you can play a love scene with a Mrs. Niles. I heard that and I'd love to play a love scene with you, Mr. Costello. Don't call me Costello. Call me Dick Tracy Oh, that's silly. Why should I call you Dick Tracy? So I can call you prune face Did you get that ad lip Lana? Mm-hmm. That's what put me on the top of the ladder. Yes, and your audience is at the bottom Daring you to come down Well Costello, I'm waiting. So is your broom. Why don't you fly out of here? Well, that's not nice Costello Mrs. Niles has some very fine points. Yeah, she certainly has for instance Costello. Take her hair. Okay, throw it over here. Oh I don't know what's wrong with you Costello. You you fight with everybody. I can't help it Abbott Oh all those months that was sick I was thinking about doing this love scene with Lana Turner and now she won't even talk to me Oh, don't feel that way Lou. The truth is I dream about you. I dream about you every night You do? Yes Yes, I do. Do you think I can sue Ovaltine? I get it. All right. All right. All right. Never mind you get it. Ovaltine. Yeah, you heard her. We'll work it for Camel's cigarette. Never mind that Ovaltine. All right a little extra change. Oh, we'll get a case. All right. Look Look, come on. Let's Let's get to the play. All right, Mr. Itch, let's have some music to put Costello in the mood. Ken, set the scene and make a snappy Niles The scene is an old castle in England It is the 16th century when hearts were brave and knighthood was in flower The night is still and Lady Lana stands on the balcony awaiting her lover. She has been waiting anxiously Longingly patiently Hopefully come on Niles get with it get with it get with it faster faster To find out I can't wait much longer. Come on. She hasn't seen her lover in a fortnight. Ah Each minute seems like an hour. You forgot the seconds each hour seems like a day each day Each day like a week each week Like a month each each month like a like a year Each year. This is only a half hour program Now get with it. Oh, but Lou. He's putting you in the mood to kiss me. I've been in the mood for eight months Abbott never mind Niles you set the scene. Okay, Lou the stillness of the night is suddenly broken now this guy'll set it fast Suddenly broken by the shop platter of horses books. Where does the horses come from the lovely Lana's eyes light up? Her lover is riding into the courtyard on his white charger. Ah white charge. I don't charge that my favorite in cash He leaves from his horse and starts to climb up to her balcony hand over hand Hand over hand who hands over hands one foot up The other foot up. Come on. Get me up. Hurry up. Then one hand up Then the other hand up. It's gonna be too late. I'll get me up inch by inch foot by foot Yard by yard. Yeah, it's the day. No, what's your hurry? There's plenty of time not for me kid. I'm in one egg Finally you reach Lady Lana's side and the play begins a play of love Emotion an adventure scene without me lady Lana. I love you love is universal. Oh, you're out of luck. I work for MGM Some plug. Hey, Lyme. This is spike work kissing in our studio kissing spreads germs not me Oh, will you quit pulling around? Who's just Lana Turner? Oh, come on Lana. Will you please kiss me? Well, all right, Lou now if you'll just close your eyes. I'll have a big surprise for you. Okay, my eyes are closed Oh boy, I can hardly wait Lana's gonna kiss me Now keep your eyes closed Here's the surprise. Are you eating carrots Lana? Thanks to the Yanks of the week Americans who have distinguished themselves for heroism in the battle area to Captain HD Maxwell of Pink Hill, North Carolina and the entire crew of his liberator bomber who turned their big board engine B 24 into a fighter plane When they saw two German focal wolf heavy bombers attacking in a light convoy in the Atlantic Well, the huge enemy planes were making their bomb runs on the ships Captain Maxwell and his men attacked with machine guns and Though cannon a machine gun fire from the enemy wounded every man aboard the liberator They shot down one German plane and probably destroyed the other before they themselves crashed in flames Our airmen were rescued by ships from the convoy. They had saved We salute you and your crew Captain HD Maxwell and now here's Bud Abbott with a final word Ladies and gentlemen now that our program is over and we have done our best to entertain you I would like to take a moment to pay tribute to my best friend and to a man who has more courage Than I have ever seen displayed in the theater Tonight the old expression the show must go on was brought home to all of us on this program More clearly than ever before just a short time before our broadcast started Luke Costello was told that his baby One year old Tamara had died in the face of the greatest tragedy which can come to any man Luke Costello went on tonight so that you the radio audience would not be disappointed There's nothing more that I can say except that I know you all join me in expressing our deepest sympathy to a great trooper Good night. This is the national broadcasting