 This episode was prerecorded as part of a live continuing education webinar. On-demand CEUs are still available for this presentation through all CEUs. Register at allceus.com slash counselor toolbox. Alrighty, I'd like to welcome everybody to today's presentation on supporting the person without enabling. Now, you notice I said person, not patient. And hopefully I'll remember to say that throughout because enabling isn't just something that people who are in a relationship with someone who is addicted to something can do. I mean, we can enable our children. We can enable our friends. So we're going to look at enabling broadly and in this presentation. We'll explore how a person becomes an enabler, define enabling, examine the consequences of enabling, learn about the connection between enabling and codependency, define characteristics of codependency and how they may develop from being in an enabling relationship and examine practical strategies to provide support and encouragement to the loved one without enabling. So what makes an enabler? A person that you love is in trouble or experiencing pain. And this can be an addicted person. You know, that's typically what we think of when we think of enabling. It can be a person with a mental health issue. So if somebody is clinically depressed or has severe generalized anxiety disorder and enabler may step in and try to care take that person. And we'll talk about, you know, where you cross the line there. A person with chronic pain can also be enabled. If they're chronic pain, they don't want to get up. They don't want to move. They, you know, and people start, start doing things for them that they could do for themselves. And we can also enable our children. And we're going to look at different examples of that as we go through. In addition to having someone you love experiencing pain, the person has to also experience a sense of responsibility for the problem generally. If I would have been more aware that his drinking has gotten so bad. If I would have been more aware that the depression was coming on. Or if I had made John go to the doctor before the depression got this bad. If I wouldn't have been driving when we got into that car accident. All of those things, the ifs and the whens, the person feels a certain amount of responsibility, whether they were around when the thing was initially triggered or they feel like they should have intervened sooner to do something before it became a crisis. There's also a denial that there's a problem requiring professional help initially because once you've helped, it's hard to stop. So once you've bailed John out of jail the first time, it's hard to stop. Once you have been doing things for somebody that they can do for themselves, it's hard to say, okay, I'm not doing that anymore. You got to do it on your own. I've got teenagers at home and one of my children is just amazingly structured and I'm structured. So that works really well with me. My other child is much more on the perceiving end. He's much more loosey-goosey and it's hard for me to kind of let him do his thing. So he learns to be responsible. So when he was growing up, I tended to enable him a little bit more than I should have by doing things for him and always reminding him and being on him where once he became an older teenager, he started having to take responsibility and it's painful sometimes to sit back and watch him fall on his face, but it has to happen sometimes for people to learn from the natural consequences. Enabling behavior protects the person from the natural consequences of their behavior. Whether it's, you know, alcoholism, if they are in pain, for example, and they're not willing to or they're not thinking they're able to get up and do anything, go to work, follow through with their physical therapy, those sorts of things, they make it used to people waiting on them and doing things for them. Enabler keeps secrets about the person's behavior from others in order to make peace. This is more true in addiction, but I mean, think about it. If you've worked with families before where you have one parent who's been enabling the child and doing everything for them and kind of staying on top of it and you have another parent who's kind of oblivious, you know, the first parent says, okay, now don't tell your mom or your dad, whoever the other parent is that I keep reminding you of this, but you've got to start taking responsibility. That threat kind of falls on deaf ears because there's no follow through to it. The person makes excuses, the enabler makes excuses for the person's behavior with teachers, friends, legal authorities, employers and even other family members why they didn't, why the person didn't get things done. Bails the person out of trouble such as paying debts, fixing tickets, hiring lawyers and providing jobs. You know, at a certain point, there are certain things that we can do to assist people in their recovery process, but generally, and when I'm saying providing jobs, I've had occasions where somebody's called me and they've tried to make an interview for their significant other and I'm like, no, you know, that person, if they want the job, they need to call. So, and I've seen this in other situations. It's important that we look at when we're looking at enabling, we're looking at having the person who is struggling do the things they can do for themselves. Otherwise, we are enabling them. We're teaching them that they're powerless, that they need help. We're creating a dependency. The enabler sees the problem as the result of something else. They'll make excuses. The person's too shy. The person's a teenager. They're just they're going to be irresponsible. The person's drinking because they're lonely. They come from a broken home. They have ADHD. They have some other illness. So a lot of times the enabler in making excuses will find other reasons for the problem and they truly believe that that's the reason. They don't want to believe that this person is just taking advantage of the system, so to speak. It avoids the person in order to keep peace. So out of sight, out of mind. So if you're the enabler may avoid the troubled person because, you know, if we get in the same room, then we're going to get into an argument. So I'm just going to avoid it and do what I need to do. I'll send text messages when he needs to do something. And so you're still enabling, but you're keeping distance. So it's not as stressful and may give help that is undeserved, unearned or unappreciated. You know, there are times when we want to reach out and help somebody, you know, help them get something done. And that's cool. I remember with my staff, there were times where they would just kind of get overloaded with paperwork. This was usually towards the end of the fiscal year when our census went through the roof and so I would step in and I would assist them in getting, getting some things done. I mean, that help was definitely deserved, earned and appreciated. Now during Christmas holidays, for example, our census would usually plummet. So it was a fifth of what it should be. So there should be no reason for people not getting their work done. So if I'm stepping in and doing things for my clinicians, then, you know, that, that help is undeserved because they are perfectly able of doing their, their groups as well as their paperwork. Enabling behavior attempts to control the other person by planning activities, choosing their friends, getting them jobs, making their doctor's appointments. A lot of you have probably had similar experiences where someone has called up and they've tried to make an appointment for their loved one. Now it's one thing if their loved one is like 12. But it's another thing if it's another adult and I have found I used to let that happen. I don't even let it happen anymore. But when I used to let it happen, my no show rates for that person were usually somewhere between 85 and 90 percent because that person didn't even have the wherewithal to call and make the appointment, let alone show up for it. So that kind of shows levels of motivation as well. The person who's an enabler makes threats that have no follow through or consistency. If I tell my teenager, you have got to be more responsible. The answer, the question that comes after that is if I'm not, what's going to happen? What are the consequences? So the person needs to know that there are consequences when people are in drug court, for example, they know that if they use, they're going to likely have to do some time in jail. When you go to a job, you know that if you don't show up, you're likely going to lose your job. So there are consequences to what we do. The enabler shields the struggling person from any of those consequences. So they start to develop the idea that, you know, there are really no consequences for their actions. Whatever they do, you know, the enabler will clean it up. Not a big deal. The enabler may caretake the person by doing what that person is expected to do for him or herself. They may ignore the person's negative and potentially dangerous behavior, thinking that, okay, if I just do these things, then the person will stop hurting themselves. They have difficulty expressing emotions, especially if there are negative repercussions for doing so. And when people get into these relationships, it can be conflictual because you have somebody that you've been doing stuff for and you've been basically waiting on, if you will. And then all of a sudden you set boundaries and you say, no, you've got to do it for yourself. What's the first reaction likely going to be? You're awful. That's mean. Why are you doing this? And a lot of times they're much stronger words that are used, but you kind of get the idea. The person rebels and tries to say, no, you need to keep doing this. So there can be negative and unpleasant emotions. The person who's the enabler doesn't love what's going on, so they may often feel taken advantage of, neglected, resentful, yada, yada. And if they express those emotions to the person who is struggling, a lot of times, again, that will not be met with empathy. It will be met with resistance. Enablers prioritize the needs of the person with the problem or the addiction before their own. They make sure that that person is up in the morning. They make sure that that person is dressed for work. They make sure that person, you know, has money to buy lunch or whatever the case may be. Before they start worrying about themselves, they may act out of fear since addiction can cause frightening events. The enabler will do whatever it takes to avoid such actions. That's one example. Now, if we talk about a teenager, for example, and you know, I'll use my kids. My son is getting ready to go to college. And for the scholarships that he's gotten, there are certain things that he has to do. If he doesn't do them, he loses his scholarship and that's a big deal. So it's important to for him to make sure that he's doing these things. But part of me wants to do it for him because I'm afraid he's going to forget and then he's going to have these huge student loans. Well, if he does, guess what? He does. That's, you know, people have got I had student loans. I'm sure you did. So and it hasn't ever killed anybody. But it's important to make sure that he knows what the consequences are. If he doesn't follow through with these things and to let him experience consequences. And the person who's an enabler may resent the person with the problem, whether it's addiction, pain, just learning to adult. Things that you may hear an enabler say, he's so irresponsible with money. He could never make it on his own. If I kicked him out, he would be homeless. So what else can I do? I let him continue to stay here. And this can be true of somebody who's a problem gambler or just someone who's awful with money. Every time I've tried to talk to her about her addiction, she's gone on even a worse binge and I'm afraid she'll overdose. Now think about, you know, the reactivity of what's going on. Think about kind of borderline ish behavior. If you do this, then look at what you made me do not saying that all of these people are borderline by any means. But you know, that is one of those reactive behaviors that we often see when somebody tries to withdraw enabling behavior. I know I shouldn't have paid for his lawyer after the third DUI, but if he went to jail, he would lose his job. And as a family, we rely on his income. Okay. You can see this person's concern. You can see how they're acting out of fear because their significant other contributes significantly financially to the family. Every time she and her boyfriend fight, she crashes here. I let her because I know he can be violent and I don't want her to be hurt. Again, enabling her to stay in that relationship, which evidently is not healthy because that person is afraid that the woman will be hurt. It's my fault. She's in pain, so I must do whatever she wants. If I can't change what he did, at least I can limit the damage. If I can't change the fact that he totaled the car, for example, I can limit the damage that it may cause. I can make sure that I drive him to work from now on. I can make sure that I make sure he gets to his appointments. Maybe he will wake up and just come to his senses. He'll wake up and suddenly start doing everything for himself that he can do for himself. That's not going to happen. 99.9% of the cases, do you wake up in the morning and go, hmm, you know, I could let somebody else do all this stuff for me. But today, I think I'll do it all myself. Most of the time, it doesn't happen. Think about if you had a full-time maid living with you. Wouldn't that be great? That full-time maid, you wake up in the morning and you go, you know, this person cleans and makes the meals and stuff all the time. But you know what? Today, I'm going to do it all myself for no particular reason. And I'm going to do it henceforth and forevermore. Probably not going to happen because that person has gotten used to having the maid. Consequences of enabling. Enablers detest the behaviors of the enabled, but fear the consequences of those behaviors even more. So if I don't bail him out of jail, if I don't do this, if I do kick this person out, what are the consequences going to be? Not only to that person, but also to me and potentially my family. They're locked in a lose-lose position in the family. Setting boundaries feels like punishment or abandonment of the person they love. It's hard to say, you know what? No, you've got to do it on your own because when you do that, the person starts rebelling, if you will. They get their feelings hurt. They may not understand why it changed. They may be resentful of why it changed. So it creates chaos. There's a certain amount of homeostasis in the family. When you're doing what you're doing, you know, there's a family is functioning like it's supposed to. And then when you stop doing that, when you withdraw some of that support, it upsets the balance in the family, then all of a sudden people have got to start choosing their roles again. Enablers may struggle with the guilt they would feel if the person they're enabling were hurt by the real consequences of their actions. Whether it be losing a job or getting physically hurt or going to jail, whatever the case may be. Enablers are also protecting themselves and or their children from those consequences. And enabling basically means someone else, the enabler, will always fix, solve or make the consequences for problems go away. Enabled persons come to expect that their behaviors have no consequences or negative outcomes. I mean they can see what happens, but they know somebody's going to fix it. So it's not going to harm them. Now remember one of the basic principles of behavior modification. We do things that are rewarding and we don't do things that are punishing. Well, if you take the punishment away, then the behavior is at least neutral if not rewarding. So you're continuing to reinforce that behavior. Enablers may become emotional hostages as the person learns to manipulate them in order to ensure that the help and support keep coming. Back to that, look what you made me do. If you would have followed up with me to make sure that I got up in the morning, then I wouldn't have missed the bus and not gotten to school today. If you would have done this, then I wouldn't have experienced this consequence. It's your fault. The enabler is desperate to prevent the enormous crisis, but winds up experiencing a constant state of stress. They don't want to enable the person anymore. They want to set boundaries, but the tension that occurs when they try to set boundaries and the guilt the other person can make them feel or try to make them feel is can be oppressive. So one of the things we're going to talk about in a little while is how to deal with some of that guilt and recognize how to set boundaries. The enabled person and the enabler become stuck in a role in which they both feel incompetent. The enabled person has been having somebody do everything for them, so they may start thinking to themselves, well, maybe I can't do it. Maybe I need her to do it for me. And the enabler doesn't see this person's behavior changing. They want this person to stand up and start doing what they're supposed to do, but they're not. So the enabler also starts to feel incompetent and incapable because they're not changing that other person. So they both get in this lose-lose situation and they may gradually accept a self-concept that includes these negative traits, destroying self-esteem and leading to codependency. So what is codependency? And there are whole classes on that. We're just going to hit the highlights here. The person had someone they loved and either failed to fix them. The loved one chose another behavior over the relationship, impacting self-esteem, self-efficacy, and abandonment anxiety. So the codependent person, we get there because at some point in the past, they tried to fix somebody and may have failed to fix them. So they're going to keep trying to fix the other person because their self-worth is tied up in being able to fix that person. Or they got abandoned. The person chose the addiction or chose someone else over them. So now they're struggling with feeling good enough. And by attaching to someone who needs to be rescued, it gives them a mission. It gives them a purpose. It gives them something to try to feel good about. There's an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others. And a tendency to confuse love and pity with a tendency to love people they can pity and rescue. They love people that they can make dependent upon them. A willingness to do anything to hold on to a relationship and to avoid the feeling of abandonment. Most people who are codependent are terrified that they're going to be abandoned. They're terrified that if they let the natural course happen and this person experiences consequences, that they will be rejected. An extreme need for approval and recognition. A sense of guilt when asserting themselves and setting boundaries. And a tendency to do more than their share and become hurt when people don't recognize their efforts. They also tend to have a compelling need to control others. A lack of trust in themselves and other people. Which makes sense. I mean if they got into this relationship and most people, you know, when they get into their first enabling relationship, they don't get into it as an enabling relationship. They often get into it, you know, as a normal healthy relationship which goes awry. Unless they came from an addicted family. But anyway. So they, for whatever reason, they start feeling this need to control other people in order to feel safe, in order to prevent abandonment and feel okay about themselves. They need to make themselves indispensable. And they don't trust themselves to be good enough as they are. And they don't trust their own judgments. So they're always second guessing themselves about what should they have done, what shouldn't they have done. They have difficulty identifying feelings. Because, you know, think back to a couple slides ago. We said they have difficulty talking about their feelings. Well, they shove them down. Because talking about unpleasant feelings often meets with problems and difficulties. So they shove those down. But when you have all this animosity and resentment and exhaustion and anxiety and everything else kind of churning around inside you, there's not a whole lot of room for happiness and the other things. So they may start having difficulty kind of knowing how they feel. They just feel icky all the time. And they're trying not to focus on it too much because then they have to face some hard realities. They may be rigid and have difficulty adjusting to change and problems with intimacy and boundaries. They may be chronically angry, lie and be dishonest. Remember, they're lying and covering up for their significant other. But they're also probably lying and covering up for how they feel. You know, saying everything's fine. You know, I'm going to put on this picture that we have got the perfect family. They may have poor communications and difficulty making decisions. In the addicted family, there's a mantra, if you will, called don't talk, don't trust and don't feel. In any sort of relationship where there's an enabling situation going on, this is really true most of the time. We don't want to talk about setting boundaries. We don't want to talk about how I feel about the fact that you're not taking responsibility. I can't trust you to follow through with things. So I can't trust you to do anything that's going on. And I can't feel because if I feel, then it hurts. And I can't understand why I'm staying with the hurt. And so I don't want to feel anything. And I need to make sure that, you know, if you're happy, I can be happy. Okay, so I'm not going to have my own feelings because if you're happy, that means you're not going to leave. If you're not going to leave, that means I'm happy. Abandonment anxiety can be tabled for a little while. So what do we do? First, have the client learn about addiction or whatever issue the person may have. Let's learn about it. If we're dealing with a teenager who is having difficulty getting his feet under himself to adult, okay, maybe the person needs to learn about parenting, parenting skills and how to set boundaries and that kind of thing. If we're talking about somebody in a domestically violent relationship, let's learn about that addiction, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, whatever it is that is causing the loved one to struggle, the enabler needs to learn about it. Figure out, you know, what's causing this, what makes it worse, what makes it better, what options are there for this person, you know, kind of do your research so you have an idea. Get help and support from others, reach out to communities that are similar to what you're dealing with. Calmly, let the loved one know that you're aware of their problems, that you won't tolerate that continued behavior and that you're willing and able to support them on the road to recovery. So not tolerating is kind of a rough phrase and this will often be met with a lot of resistance, which is one of the reasons I encourage my clients to do, have this discussion either in in session or in some sort of mediated, maybe with their spiritual leader or whatever. So there's a arbitrary third party that can keep things from getting too antagonistic. The person needs to, I encourage the enabler to write these things down so it doesn't get emotional and it's not all over the place. It's like, okay, these are the 10 things that need to happen. And generally when we have these discussions, I work with the enabler ahead of time and we review the list to make sure everything's on there that is of the utmost importance to them. And the list should include explaining what you're going to withdraw. I'm not doing this for you anymore. And this is why. If you choose to not do what you can do for yourself or if you choose to refuse help, these are going to be the consequences. And making it very clear, not aggressive, not angry, just this is very matter of fact. If you continue to drink, then I can't continue to bail you out or I won't continue to bail you out from jail. You're going to have to deal with those consequences. Healthy help involves providing information, encouragement and coaching to the person. So we learn all about it because the person who's struggling may be too mired in their own unhappiness and emotional or physical pain to really think clearly. So we may need to take it to them and say, OK, this is all the information I found. And I know you can do this. I know you can get through it. And I am going to be here to cheer you on. Give the person contact information for doctors, counselors, lawyers, rehab programs, whatever resources the person needs without the feeling, without feeling the need to force him or her to accept this help. And that's the hard part. It's easy to say, OK, here's all the stuff. But if they take the stuff and they set it down and they go, OK, I'll get to it later, the person who's enabling can be like, no, no, no, you need to do it now. What we need to do is present the case. This is what needs to change. This is why it needs to change. This is what's going to happen if it doesn't change. These are the resources that you can access to to help this change process. And the balls in your court. It's important to discuss with the person what the possible consequences of actions might be without feeling if you must make sure they make the choice you want them to make. They may leave. You know, if you tell somebody you can't be. I can't have you spending every dime of your paycheck every month. In order to buy your toys and do those things because I need it in order to pay the bills around here. So if you continue to spend every dime you make, then you may need to move out or whatever the case may be. But it's important to set those consequences because remember again, what is more rewarding is going to be what the person chooses. So then the person's going to have to say, well, do I want to buy a bunch of toys and not be accountable for anything? Or is this relationship more important? Because only once you've tipped that decision balance, will that person be willing to consider change? They have to be wanting to change. We can't make them change. No amount of fussing and carrying on is probably going to work. We want to foster hope both for you and for the enabler and the person. Sometimes people refuse to get help only to turn around and ask for help a short time later. That's not uncommon. A lot of times, especially with addictions, the person that you're working with who's struggling is wanting to maintain control. And they feel like you took away their control when you started setting limits and telling them what they had to do. So they may rebel against that initially and go, no, I'm not doing it. I didn't need you before. I don't need you now. And walk out. Doesn't mean they won't come back. The key is to plant that seed. Let them know what options are available and say, OK, you know, well, if you decide that you want help, I am here to help you along the way. It's really hard to watch the person walk out the door, whether you're a clinician having a conversation with somebody who you know needs to be in treatment or you're a loved one having this conversation with somebody who you know needs to take some steps and just to watch them kind of thumb their nose at you and walk away. It's painful. It's hard. It's a struggle because you're like, oh my gosh, that's this person that's just headed down the wrong road, but they have to be willing to change. And if we keep the door open for them, then they can come back and they can come back a week later or two weeks later and feel like they're in more control because they're presenting and going, I'm ready for help. OK, cool. Now let's see where we go from here. We also want to make sure that the person refuses to tolerate or enable the addiction-related behavior or whatever the behavior is, whatever the behavior is that you're trying to get the person to change. You can't be wishy-washy on it. The enabler has to set a hard line in the sand and say, I will not tolerate this. I won't tolerate it very often or I won't tolerate it but one or two more times. No, I will not tolerate this anymore because as soon as you give in, then that line moves. Practical strategies. People who are enablers are exhausted. People who are being enabled are also probably exhausted. So these practical strategies fit for both types of people. In order to be a support person for someone in recovery or for someone trying to make a change and in order to make a change, people have to be optimally functioning. They have to be as healthy as possible. So they need to practice good sleep habits. They need to eat well. They need to get some exercise. Get out, get that body moving. They need to take care of their emotions, which means increasing the happy emotions, not just dispelling the bad ones, but bringing some happy emotions in. So you've got that yin and yang balance. Social relationships and activities need to happen for both parties. You know, they need to engage with other people and not just be completely wound up in themselves. And both parties need to be aware of what is truly important to them. You know, have them make a list of the people, places, things, activities that are truly important for them to have in their life to have a rich and meaningful life. I mean, this kind of goes to that acceptance and commitment therapy trend, if you will. But both of them need to figure that out. So if the person who is being enabled puts down on their list that this relationship is important to them to have a rich and meaningful life, well, then they're going to have to make some changes. You know, they may have to choose between their behavior and the relationship. And they're going to have to decide which one of those is more important. When you're together, it's important that enablers remember not to helicopter, not to constantly micromanage the person to see what they're doing, how they're doing, how they're feeling, you know, if they've taken their meds, whatever they're doing, and encourage the person, the enabler to try not to obsess or worry about the other person. You know, you've given them the tools. They are adults. You know, obviously there are certain caveats and exceptions here. If somebody is cognitively impaired for some reason, you're going to have to do a little bit more. But most of the time, the person is able to do the next step. They just have to be willing. And willing is something that they choose to do. So it's important to encourage the enabler to try not to worry, to recognize that this person may fall on some hard times. They have to experience some unpleasantness, some pain, before they're probably going to be motivated to change. Prepare them for it. Example thoughts that people with who are enablers may have. I have to do this or he will have this consequence. Or if I truly loved her then I would do this for her. Or if she chooses that behavior it means I'm a failure and unlovable. And this is when I see more in addictions where if somebody and especially with children, you know, children don't understand and when their parent in their mind chooses drugs and alcohol over being home with them. So we want to help the children realize that they are lovable. And the same thing with the other parent that is, or the other caretaker. It's important that everybody understands how they feel. Handling thoughts. So when enablers start to have these thoughts that I have to protect this person. Or if I don't do this, it means that I'm an awful person or I'm unlovable. Have them unhook from the thoughts. Instead of saying I have to, they need to have say to themselves, I am having the thought that I have to. And use the challenging questions. What is the evidence for and against this? You know, I have to pay her rent or she will be homeless. Alright, well that may be true. So there could be great evidence for that. What are the consequences of her being homeless? Are there places she can stay? Play it out to the end. If she's homeless, then what's going to happen? And then what's going to happen? What parts of this are my responsibility? Continue to play it through to the end. If I withdraw my support what parts of this are my responsibility? Which important things does this help me move toward? So if I withdraw my support and I don't pay her rent, for example which important things in my life does that help me move toward? Maybe that helps me pay off my own house or pay my own bills or whatever the case may be. Maybe it reduces friction. A lot of times we see this in parents that have kids in college where one parent is sliding money under the table to the kid and the other parent thinks the child should be getting additional money so there's a lot of friction. So if the parent says, well, if I don't pay her rent now, if I make her actually get a job and pay her own rent, then not only will I save money and be able to pay my own bills, but it'll reduce stress in my marriage which is another thing that is truly important to me. We also we can't look at toward without looking at away from what important things does this move me away from? Well, you know, we'll stick with the college kid for right now. If we have a college person and you say, you know what, I'm not going to pay your rent anymore. You have to get a job and start adulting. The college student may say some pretty hurtful things and may be very angry for a while which is difficult for a parent. I mean there's no doubt it's hard for a parent to go that's okay. You can be angry. You can say you'll never speak to me again. It's hard to ride through that. So it's important to understand that there are consequences when we do things, you know, just like there are consequences when the when the struggling person does things and which values does doing this support? So my value to be loyal, honest, trustworthy, compassionate, caring you know, where does that fall in? If I withdraw my support from my child and I say, no, you've got to get your own job how do I feel about myself? And that's goes with that guilt that the person, the enabler needs to work through. And yes, finding that line between enabling and supporting is often a gray area. And a lot of the times I ask clients to really think, you know, the first question is, is this something that my loved one could do for themselves? And if so, okay, now how do we move there? A lot of times it's it can be a gradual thing, you know, if the person is using drugs, for example, or well, we'll stick with that one for a minute. If you say, okay, you need to get help, you need to get into treatment, you know, that's the first step is getting the person into treatment. And it's not saying you have to quit using, be clean and sober and never ever use again and go to treatment and get fixed all at once, you know, the first step can be, I need you to commit to going to treatment in order to get better or whatever with the student, you know, parents can say ahead of time, okay, beginning next semester, you need to pay for your own housing. So yes, it is a negotiation process that sometimes can take place. It doesn't have to be 100% line in the sand, right starting right now, but the person who's being enabled needs to know where we're going. You know, this is what I need to happen. So the first step I need you to take is blah, blah, and then we'll reassess. And yes, the person does need to step back and say what is in my best interest assuming we're dealing with adults here as the person who was struggling, you know, adults have the ability to make choices and do things on their own most of the time. There are those times where it's not possible. If it's somebody who is really struggling with chronic pain because of a terminal illness, you know, you got to look at where you need to, what's in everybody's best interest? How do you want this situation to resolve itself? And what do you feel resentful about talking about the enabler? You know, if you resent having to do this, that and the other it's important to identify why you resent it and maybe what are some options that could happen. Maybe the person who is well, we'll go on later. Don't judge the person who's struggling and that is so hard for both parties not to judge one another. It is what it is and recognize that at this point the person who is being enabled is choosing the more rewarding option. So if we remove that, yeah, they may change but there has to be teeth to it because if they know that you're going to make empty threats then they're not going to change their behavior. And both parties have to accept it is what it is. You may not like what I'm doing but it's my choice. Don't have expectations of others. Instead meet expectations of yourself and this is what I really ask clients to really hold on to. What are your expectations of yourself in terms of the things that are important in your rich and meaningful life in terms of your family, your job, your other things. Have those expectations. What are your expectations of yourself in terms of this relationship and have them set goals for what they need to do in order to take care of themselves. Remind them that they didn't cause the other person's behavior and they're only responsible for theirs. Even if they have been enabling for three years or whatever, that person made choices along the way. Now obviously again, this is adults if we're talking about a budding adolescent, then it's a little bit different. We may need to help nurture and mentor and guide that person along the way. But that's where the coaching comes in. We're not doing it for them. We're not calling the admissions office and finding out when applications are due. We're saying, okay, what do you need to do in order to get into this college? Go do it. And then helping them learn how to set goals and things. We can't change or fix anybody else. They have to want to do it. And before engaging in enabling behavior, weigh your options for short and long-term pain. And this is kind of what I think Margaret was saying about doing what's in my best interest. Having clients say, okay, either way, this is going to be uncomfortable. Either way, this is going to hurt. So do I continue doing this in order to avoid the short-term pain of arguments and what have you. Knowing that there's going to be long-term pain, anger, resentment, da, da, da, da. Or do I say, you know what? I'm just going to endure this short-term pain of watching my loved one struggle for a bit. Knowing that hopefully it'll come out on the other end. They will choose to seek help and then I can be there for them again. Encourage people to write about their feelings in a journal. When enablers are trying to break this habit, if you will, it's important they jot down how they're feeling so they can identify it and deal with it. So they can take care of themselves, deal with the guilt, deal with the anger at the other person, deal with the anger at themself. And encourage them to pursue their own interests and have fun. It's really hard when you are the enabler and the other person is struggling to say, you know what? You brought this on yourself. You're going to do okay and I'm here to help you when you're ready to start making a change. But until then, I'm going to go live my life. I remember when my cousin was in jail, my aunt had the hardest time going out and living her life and being happy. She was just devastated and wanted to go in and wanted to fix it and wanted to bail her out and felt so guilty anytime she had fun because she knew that my cousin was in jail. Again, practice setting boundaries. Part of both parties recovery is getting very clear about what their boundaries are. What do you expect from your partner? And be realistic about it and this can be a negotiation to a certain extent. What behaviors are acceptable and what will you no longer tolerate? And I encourage them to also talk about what happens if there's a relapse. This is, again, especially true with addictions because a lot of times people do relapse and what happens? Does that mean all bets are off? Bye-bye. I'm washing my hands of you. What are the consequences? What needs to happen? In addicted relationships sometimes the thought is you need to go to treatment, you need to go to outpatient or whatever it is and you need to stay clean and sober. If you relapse, then you have to agree to go to residential. So there's an upping of the ante of what you need to do. What does the enabler need to feel safe and secure so they can let go of those abandonment fears? Better social supports. There's going to be a lot and we need to make sure that all of their answers to this question don't center around the person being enabled because we can't know that that person is going to make the next right choice for the enabler. So we need to say, all right, what do you need? What happens if this person chooses to continue with these behaviors? How can you feel safe and secure? If this person tries to do the next right thing, what do you need to feel safe and secure? And a lot of times in these kinds of relationships the person who was the enabler needs constant reassurance that the person who's being enabled is doing the next right thing and the person who was being enabled who's trying to do the right thing now starts feeling like they're being henpecked, which goes back to that hovering thing. So it's really important to have an open discussion about what each party needs to have to feel safe and secure. And it's also really good for enablers to get involved in support groups. Alanon, Allateen, any of the 12-step programs if the person has an addiction Codependence Anonymous is another good one in order for people to start expressing reaching out to others who have similar experiences and saying I've heard this phrase before I feel like I'm going crazy because every time he comes home I'm looking for or I'm looking at how do you handle that or they'll run behaviors by each other and go this is what I've started seeing lately is this person headed towards a relapse nobody can say that for sure but people who've been down that road before can say either no that's a normal part of this early recovery process or yeah it looks like that person is getting into dangerous waters help clients learn how to say no and to mean it how to set that boundary and say no I'm not going to do it this time despite whatever you throw at me verbally of course I will not give in to this and it's hard just like when you have a child in the candy aisle I remember one time we were getting ready to check out it was like four and my son was hungry but we were getting ready to go home and make dinner and we were at the checkout aisle and he wanted candy and I said no and he was like really I want candy please like kids do he begged for it he could jolt for it and I said a hard line and I said no we're going to go home and we're going to make dinner and then you can have dessert afterwards if you eat your dinner no volume control whatsoever he cited the motto to the store he's like well so much for publics where shopping is a pleasure oh my gosh I was so ready to get out of that store but I didn't give in I said no and I meant it and he never did that again thankfully and we need to have our enablers learn how to ask for help and to get it because for too long they've been trying to control everything they've been the puppeteer moving around those marionettes and now we have to say somebody has to help you out too you're not meant to do it all by yourself so what do you need help with it doesn't mean you're weak it doesn't mean you're giving in or giving up encourage them to take time out when they get emotional and practice when they get into their wise mind there are going to be days that are harder than others and encouraging clients to just recognize this is important and develop those distress tolerance skills remember accepts and improves are the two acronyms that we use in dbt have the person identify each day three things they did well or they like about themselves and write them in their awesomeness journal you can call it whatever you want but i want people to remember how good they are and that they are deserving of love and they do deserve to be treated how they expect to be treated encourage them to take the labels off good bad and should everything is kind of gray when we're dealing with enabling how you feel is how you feel what you do is what you do you either choose to or you choose not to should doesn't belong in there when it comes to expectations assumptions and excuses encourage the person to ask themselves how they would treat the other person if it wasn't their loved one so you know if it wasn't your child would you be going out of your way to do this for somebody or are you just doing it because it's your kid so that helps people get some distance on is am I doing something for this person that they really could do for themselves and that is fair for me and in my best interest again that question doesn't work 100% of the time but it does help get some perspective sometimes when you're tempted to think or worry about somebody else turn the attention back to you so when enablers start to get worried about the person they're enabling they need to turn that back around and go okay what is it that I need because I can control how I feel I can control what I do and if I have to be here and healthy if I want to be of any help to that person so I need to take care of me encourage the enabler to pay attention to how they talk and treat themselves silencing the inner critic and being compassionate that means quieting those shoulds and not listening to that inner critic probably internalized from the from the person they've been enabling that says you really suck if you don't do this or how could you do this you are the worst person in the world they need to quiet that down and remember why they're doing it and remember that they're a good person encourage them to have fun pursuing hobbies and interests oh my gosh for however long life has revolved around taking care of this person and cleaning up messes and holding things together just kind of by the skin of their teeth well now it's time to start taking care of you and having some fun get some fun back in your life spend time alone with themselves where they can just be if they want to sit in their pajamas and watch television if they want to go hiking whatever it is but encourage them to give themselves permission to be alone with themselves because a lot of times people with abandonment anxiety also have really low self-esteem and if they're alone with themselves then they start getting scared they start because they draw goodness they feel like they need other people to validate them so if they start spending time alone with themselves they're going to learn to start self-validating and they're not going to feel so anxious that oh my gosh if this person leaves I'm going to be alone they're going to think if this person leaves I'm going to be alone oh well start looking for the positive in your life and add to the gratitude list each day encourage them to stand up for for themselves if someone criticizes undermines or tries to control them because they've gotten that from the person they've been enabling for a while and so it's easy unfortunately to let other people also do it if you're used to having it from a loved one encourage them to practice mindfulness and radical acceptance to deal with worry letting go of the control and the need to manage other people remembering the saying live and let live hard to do and I tell people this is what we want to do this is the goal we're working towards it is hard to do so I don't want them to think that I'm being nonchalant about it and help people figure out how can you do this how can you accept yourself and realize that you know what you don't have to be perfect to be a loveable human being encourage them to get in touch with their feelings and not judge their feelings feelings are what they are and if they struggle with them then they're going to get stuck in them like quicksand if they feel sad they feel sad and encourage them to ride the wave and let that feeling come in and let them go out there are other activities if you use a more cognitive approach that they can do but give people tools to deal with their feelings so they can improve the next moment and not just be stuck with I'm devastated I don't know what to do with this encourage them to express themselves honestly with everyone with tact of course encourage them to say what they think and feel and ask for what they need a lot of assertiveness and communication skills training is often helpful when working with people who are enablers because they've been biting their tongue for so long that it either comes out as passive or aggressive and there's nothing in the middle encourage people to reach out for help when they feel bad and not fall into the trap of thinking they should be able to manage alone because that's a symptom of codependency too we need help we need other people that we can rely on encourage support and activities support and recovery activities avoiding the dry drunk and this we want people to continue to do what they need to do to get happy and healthy if it's pain if it's addiction whatever remembering you can't be your partner's only support if you're a parent you can't have a 35 year old child or yeah I guess they're still your child at 35 that you're calling every morning going did you get out of bed did you pack your lunch did you do this that's just not practical you know that person needs to learn to do for themselves what they can and they need to have other people who are there to support them you can't be their whole world encourage and support by helping to arrange time in the family schedule and budget and providing emotional support or transportation if the loved one needs help doing the recovery activities going to physical therapy going to treatment whatever it is you know okay you know let's figure out how to make that happen if you're willing to do it I am willing to go the extra mile to help you get there but you have to be willing to do the work have them remember that encouraging doesn't mean forcing manipulating making ultimatums or nagging and this one gets a little bit sticky because when you set boundaries that's kind of like an ultimatum if you do this then these are the consequences and a lot of it has to do with delivery just putting out very flatly when this happens this is the consequence to me or this is why I can't handle this happening anymore so if it continues to happen then I am going to have to you know that's not saying you have to do something or I will it's saying if this continues then for my own safety, sanity and well-being I must do these sorts of things and encourage the person to engage the enabler to engage in their own recovery activities reaching out to other healthy happy people in their life have them restore balance stop making excuses minimizing or avoiding problems and simply doing things for that person they can do for themselves even the little things like their laundry or grocery shopping if you have somebody who is addicted a lot of times parents or friends will go over to their house and they'll see this person doesn't have anything in the refrigerator but beer or maybe not even so they may go out and grocery shopping for the person they can do that for themselves maybe you need to drive them there but they need to get up and do their own shopping and take responsibility that will help them feel empowered and start making changes in their life leaving the person to clean up messes she makes while engaging in the destructive behavior whatever that is don't allow the person to put you in situations that may endanger yourself or others if you're living with somebody who's bad with money you know don't allow them to have open access you know maybe to the bank account if you're afraid that they're going to gamble or spend it all and you won't be able to pay your bills follow through with plans even if the person refuses to participate a lot of times people especially if they're being they feel like they're being forced to change may kind of dig their heels in and go no I don't want to go you know I don't want to do it unless it's what I want to do that's okay you know we may plans to go do this as a family we would love to have you but if you don't want to go that is your decision we're not going to continue to cajole you whoops enabling behaviors can occur with anyone not just people who are addicted most of the time people don't start out enabling they often feel responsible in some way for whatever predicament the person has gotten into and are trying to make things better supporting without enabling means getting clear boundaries about your wants and needs as the enabler setting those boundaries both emotional boundaries it's okay for me to be happy even if you're angry physical boundaries you know what's safe what's not safe can this person live in this household can they not live in this household whatever and financial boundaries learning how to say no when the person asks for assistance which also goes along with setting boundaries and being willing to encourage and support healthy behaviors that's the supporting part we're willing to be there and help you take that step we're willing to be there and help you figure out what the next right step is as long as you're willing to take the step yes depending on the person encouraging the enabler to set boundaries is often relatively easy because a lot of times they're coming in going I'm at my wit's end I'm miserable I'm stuck I don't feel like I can know what to do anymore and then we start talking about from a behavioral well I start talking about from a behavioral standpoint helping them understand motivation and helping them understand reinforcement and punishment and really look at the chaining if you want to use and dialectical behavior therapy has wonderful chaining worksheets that you can help the enabler see how their behavior leads to XYZ consequence and how they might be able to do something differently in order to break that chain and lead to a different consequence and it's a slow process a lot of times the first thing enabler say when you say you gotta start setting boundaries is I can't okay let's talk about that you can't or you're afraid to or you'd feel guilty and we go down those so generally it's not a one session and done sort of thing where person comes in you say set boundaries they say cool I'm going to do that and move out there's a building up process to getting the courage to do it and dealing with their own stuff and figuring out okay what do I need to do and how can I do it in a way that is most helpful and meaningful to me and my family are there any questions any other questions alrighty everybody have an awesome weekend and I will see you next week if you enjoy this podcast please like and subscribe either in your podcast player or on YouTube you can attend and participate in our live webinars with Dr. Snipes by subscribing at allceuse.com slash counselor toolbox this episode has been brought to you in part by allceuse.com providing 24-7 multimedia continuing education and pre-certification training to counselors, therapists and nurses since 2006 use coupon code box to get a 20% discount 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