 Crime and Peter Chambers Created by Henry Kane transcribed and starring Dane clock Private investigator duly licensed and duly sworn Peter Chambers You're a private eye That's your business anything else That's for laughs You're sitting in a little French restaurant enjoying the onion soup But it's not the onion soup that brought you here Rather, it's a prospective client. He asked you to meet him here at La Grande Maison third booth to the right Chambers Peter Chambers you were dr. Burns. That's right. May I sit down? Dr. Philip Burns tall black haired black-eyed and he looks more worried than Papa when his teenager hasn't met her curfew I'll begin quickly Mr. Chambers I asked you to meet me here because it's near my office and I can't get away for long Well, you're the client case history then I'm married wife and two small children Who at the moment and for the next three months are vacationing in the white mountains? And I'm a dentist and you're supposed to have quite a lot of money by inheritance. Yes now about this Grace Chandler. Yes, you mentioned her when you talked to me on the phone, right? Patient of mine with whom I've become rather well acquainted lately. I understand doc now Where do we fit the prosaic private eye into this? Well About two weeks ago at nine o'clock in the evening. I was home My family had already left on vacation and I was about to go out for a date with Miss Chandler Oh, I saw no harm in it. We were just good friends. Yes, of course I received a phone call from an important patient a Mrs. Griffin. She said it was an emergency I asked her to meet me at the office and I rushed over there and this is what happened. I Got to the office walked into my operating room and there was a man a strange man sitting in the operating chair He had a gun in his hand This is a nice little 38 you got dark. Is that mine? It's yours. All right Got it out of your cabinet over there. What do you want? What are you doing here? I'm gonna use the gun doc and I'm gonna use it on you That's what I'm doing here, but but but I don't understand. You know a grace Chandler. Yes I'm her husband. Now. Do you understand? He rose up out of the operating chair a tall man with white hair and a white mustache He lunched toward me and suddenly the lights went out But I grabbed at him and we fought furiously and then then somehow I had the gun But his fingers were at my throat throttling me In self-defense. I pulled the trigger. I got up and groped in the darkness I tried to find my flashlight, but it was gone. Finally. I reached my work table I found smelling salts and used them on myself Then I stumbled around until I got back to him and I kneeled down beside him He was dead. I got up the gun was still in my hand and finally I found the phone on my desk And I tried to use it, but that too was dead. I ran my fingers along the wire It was cut. I left the gun on the desk and I got out of there somehow I got out of there a block away I found an open drugstore and I called the police they used their flashlights found a loose fuse fixed it the lights came on But there was nobody on the floor There was no dead body There was nothing and my gun That was gone too. I Absolutely thought I was crazy mr. Chambers now look doctor was there a dead man on the floor? No question That man was dead I admit the terrible misgivings. I've been trying to get up enough courage to put myself in the hands of a psychiatrist You've been wrestling with this problem for two long weeks, huh? Yes But yesterday yesterday finally I knew that I was sane Because why doc why suddenly yesterday? Well had a new patient one Slokom Blackstone who prefers to be called blackie. That's when I knew I wasn't crazy. I was drilling his tooth Blandly he said dr. Burns you killed a man, didn't you? That's what he said He told me that the police had fished up a body from the river that the face was battered and the rest in fairly good Condition he said that that was a man. I had killed and that he could prove it What else did he say he refused to speak any further? He told me to think about it He said he'd be back tonight to talk business. Oh Good old blackmail, huh mr. Chambers before I make up my mind on this I want somebody somebody experienced and somebody trustworthy to advise me You're that somebody sir Good enough Now what time is this blackie coming to your office for that talk at eight tonight? Okay, I'll be there at about seven thirty and to anybody anybody at all. I'm a new patient. I'm Let me see. I'm Martin Barnett all right mr. Chambers Barnett anything you say He gives you a few of the less pertinent facts like addresses and things and then the good doctor takes his leave You order another onion soup, but you're no longer in epicure everything tastes lousy to you. So you pay and you blow You have a short visit with a rich witch by name of griffin and it causes a lifted eyebrow And then you're downtown at headquarters for a chin fest with good old louis Well bd chambers the private eye for good to see you things were getting a little boring down here Detective lieutenant louis parker homicide Strong sinew of the new york police force a good cop a good citizen and a mighty good friend Well, they got some crazy questions for old louis things have been rolling so normally around here We begin to miss you Crazy clients crazy questions Well since I pride myself on being a gentleman, I won't add crazy private eye Got any crazy corpses around your mortem? That's my Pete never fails have you Crazy corpses Like how oh like maybe one that likes to walk around after he's dead Or that maybe has a special passion for stealing a gun from a dentist You're building up to something or that maybe has three bullet holes in him No thing just a minute What do you know about what we've gotten the morgue pal? Don't know nothing pal. Why are you here pal? Because I love you pal Look Pete now look pal If it so happens by some peculiar circumstance, you're harboring a corpse in your public morgue that meets with the specifications laid down by the uh Private eye Then as a favor the private eye would like a look see in the public morgue and what else? Oh a little chop chop chop chop, you know talky talky All right trouble trouble Let's go to the morgue talk A morgue is a temporary stopover for dead bodies they keep them refrigerated cabinets And after autopsy they're either claimed or buried in potters field Parker produces the one you're interested in There's your baby White hair smashed up face You look over the hands. They're the hands of a mature man Add enough peaty boy. Oh Yeah, yeah, I've uh had enough. Let me shove him back He's our prized possession. Nobody knows him. Nobody claims him. Nobody identifies him fish him up out of the river Dead by drowning no no dead before drowning Three bullets in him from a 38 and we've got the bullets They were still in him when we found him now all you need is a gun the bullets came from and whoever owns that gun The only additional information a medical examiner could give us was that that battered face had had a mustache white mustache That's right a white mustache. Are you know this guy? No, I want you to level with me people. Okay, lieutenant. Let us level I've got a case that might involve our mister unknown so far. It's confidential But well, let me spread my wings a little and i'm liable to fly right back to you So at 7 30 that evening you keep your date You're seated in the operating chair at dr. Phillip burn's office, which is on 86th street One flight up and the good doctor is drilling There you are, sir Rinse, please Janet would you fill mr. Barnett's cup again? Yes, doctor Here you are, sir All in all I'd say you have an excellent set of teeth, sir Thank you, but the drilling I can live without spoken like a good normal american citizen Uh doctor, do you want me to make out a card for mr. Mr. Barnett uh martin barnett Oh, mr. Barnett my nurse miss janet west. How do you miss west? How do you do, sir? Janet west A tall brunette with eyes like saucers And going from saucers to saucy That was her expression saucy pert and very cute There's no reason to keep you this late janet. I'll take care of the paperwork card and things for mr. Barnett Thank you, doctor, but if you wish no, no, we'll run along now Let me see now by cuspid upper mohler. Can we uh talk now rather not she'll be ready to go in a second Oh, here she is now. Good night, doctor. Mr. Barnett. Good night, janet night All right now. Where'd you keep that gun right there in that cabinet have a license for it? Of course And your flashlight right here in this drawer Or have you come up with anything at all mr. Chambers? Well two things There's a stiff down at the morgue that tallies with what mr. Blackstone told you And I checked with mrs. Griffin. She never called you that night Doctor What's in this room back here? Well, that's my work room Connects directly with the operating room here. Well, I'd be able to listen to him in there. Oh, sure Where's that from outside the waiting room? What time is it? Eight o'clock That's our boy. Okay, lock me in here That's it And remember Listen him out and stall him We're alone doc. Anyway, of course you think i'm crazy. Oh, not you doc crazy like a fox That's you the way you stall them cops and you with a dead pigeon here on the floor How do you know? Hey, just listen sweetie. I own a pool room downstairs right downstairs from here Yes, business you should pardon the expression. It stinks out loud So that night i'm outside getting a bit of the ozone when I hear them shots up here And then I see you come tearing out. I figure it for some kind of hassle So what have I got to lose going upstairs for a gander? You found him here on the floor right? You are sweetie So I figured I could lend what you call a helping hand I goes down from a flashlight and then I do the bit I snatched the gun and I lug him out of here and like that You're guilty of nothing You know what I mean nothing What did you do with him put him in my car and dumped him in the river and like that I'm in business I don't quite understand. Yeah, well just keep the ears picked up I got your gun down in my bank vault and the cops they got a stiff with three bullets in him and they got the bullets If the slugs they got Match the gun I got You know what you got trouble by the bushland the pack clear Yes, so we're gonna work it like an annuity Just what are you selling life insurance sweetie on your life? And we'll make it an easy premium three hundred dollars a week for how long It's a life insurance policy You pay for the rest of your life Ain't unreasonable three hundred dollars a week and you know it And you can afford it think what i'm doing for you doc Yes, I'm thinking You want to hear the funniest switch sweetie? My one worry in the world is going to be your health Keep well doc and if I don't agree to your demands You'll agree. You're not one of them big dopes. You got brains, sweetie Look, I give you a few days to think about it Monday at five I show up for my three bills and then after that every monday like clockwork Hey, goodbye, sweetie See you on monday. Is he gone? Yes, a real cutie that one Yeah, real cute What are you going to do doc I'm going to pay him and what happens when he raises the ante They always do doc What's your advice mr chambers? Oh, you mean i'm still working for you Blacky stated the deadline mr chambers for both you and me You're a good little detective working on a case so you suddenly remember there's one party who should have been interviewed and who wasn't grace Chandler She turns out to be an acrobatic dancer a good-looking brunette with uh Muscles in her arms. Yes. Yes. What is it mr chambers? Well, just a couple of questions ma'am about your husband husband. Well, I won't take up much of your time I've got no husband No husband nah Bye now. Hey say where you going? The rest of the day develops nothing And so the next day at about seven o'clock in the evening You're outside doc burn's office ready for a bit of a tail job on janet west She leads you all the way to riverdale And there a fine-looking man opens the door for her and what do you know? He's got white hair and a white moustache Real nice face. You've seen pictures of him many many times Only when you saw them they had numbers beneath them rogues gallery pictures The mailbox in front of the house says michael west so you get to a phone booth and call down to parker Hello, yeah P chambers look louis You remember mike andy's the old confidence man. That's the one is he still in operation? Not lately not that I heard. Well, you're gonna hear. Do you have a daughter that guy? Yeah, lastly runs in the family. Well come and collect them. Well, what are you talking about? He lives up at the marinec 1897 belmont ad and he lives under the name of west Pick up both of them the father and the daughter Oh now, no favor, but i'm homicide remember I got more important things to do than worry about confidence Louie, how is the stiff in the morgue the one with the bullet holes? Well, still stiff still unidentified still a puzzle to me Well, i'm in the process of solving that puzzle lieutenant repeat you mean yes. I mean Pick these two up and deliver them to the office of dr. Philip burns 86th street Pick up doc burns two having there at 10 o'clock Keep the old man downstairs out of sight till I show up and don't give anybody any explanations whatsoever Okay, i'll see you in doc burns office I'll have the doc there and the girl there and the old man stashed away outside. Goodbye now Gotta go and get the old horse and buggy And so close on to 10 o'clock you're visiting a pool room on 86th street and business certainly is lousy Because you're the only customer There's one guy there tall and husky in his shirt sleeves and he's got even bigger muscles than doc burns acrobatic dancer Also, he's got arrogant black eyes that are bolder than a burles dance in union city Looking for somebody jack you're the boss. Yeah, i'm the boss you black stone. Yeah, i'm black stone Black stone You know that was a great jurist once jurist. What's the jurist judge your lawyer? Look sweety. I got a mouthpiece by name of rebenowitz. He'll spot your black stone 10 points And your boy won't even know he's been in a tussle Now what do you want here you? What What's that? We're going to do a little talking pal about a body and bullets and a river You the law jack the private law Oh, I think well, sweety. Here's what I think you'll think And here's what I think of muscle guys No get up Get up Sweety Come on Where are we going? We're going upstairs and see the dentist. There's a couple of cavities that need filling Upstairs you join the cast of characters and parker shakes hands with you. Hi repeat everything taken care of Who's your boyfriend? What what's going on here? They're all there except old mike plus a lot of cops And doc burn's eyes are popped like he's studying grace channel his muscles Mr chambers. Well, what's the meaning of all this? I had your word. It was in the strictest confidence That's just what happened to your doc confidence only add the word game to it confidence game And there stands number one miss janet west or whatever her real name is my nurse You're crazy, man. That's ridiculous. Ah, they figured out a beautiful blackmail deal They who lights going out while you're fighting phone wires being cut in advance your flashlight disappearing What about my corpse pity with the three bullets and we'll come to that lieutenant Now think doc think Who knew you had a gun and where you kept it? Who knew where your flashlight would be and who knew you had an important patient mrs. Griffin that could be used as a decoy And who knew that you were going out with grace chandler Come on doc think Yes Yes, janet you I tailed her home I tailed her home and it turns out her father's mike andy's one of the top con men in the country By the way, where is he lieutenant cares that he bring up andy's be here in a minute, please Yeah, yeah, you got them all, huh? Now. Look, I got conned into this too. It was mike's idea all of it Look, will it help me if I talk always helps if you talk well the whole deal was Is uh, here's mike andy's But That's the man I killed thought you killed doctor just wanted you to identify him That's all we'll need him for louis. Okay castity get him out of here The other think eyeball is right the whole deal was a plant Mike got a bright idea after his daughter got this job here Oh only took the job because she knew the doc was plenty well healed. Oh, you dirty miserable little scream Where did you get the fall guy? I picked up a bum off the bowery Picked out one that looked like mike We brought him here and mike pumped three bullets into him from the doc's gun Then we cleaned up and me and the stiff were parked in the work room Also, we reloaded the doc's gun with blanks Hmm, then janet called doc burns and gave him the emergency bit about mrs. Griffin, huh? Yeah, I think then right away the doc comes here to his office and mike's sitting in his chair holding the gun And saying he's this chandler's husband and during the fight you turn off the fuse for the darkness, huh? Correct think hey the names chambers Mr. Chambers Then in the darkness after the doc thought he'd shot him and while he was stumbling around We pulled the old switcheroo switch the real stiff for mike and the phone wire was cut So that he have to go out to make a phone call right mr. Chambers, which gives us time to lug the stiff out We mark up his face and dump them in the river And the whole deal would have worked except mike got stubborn like how well I begged him to get out of the state But he figured this one was such a wrap up. He'd stay home and take it easy Eh anytime you think you're smarter than cops you're dumb On which philosophical note lieutenant I'd say it's time to transfer our transgressors to more appropriate surroundings Say like uh the who's gal And there you've had crime and peter chambers Dane clock was starred as peter chambers Crime and peter chambers transcribe was created and written by henry kane Others in the cast were bill zuckert heard as lieutenant parker ed vaguely as dr. Burns Leon janny as blacky and andiamond as janet It was directed by fred way and this is fred collins inviting you to tune in next week same time same station for dane clock in crime and peter chambers Be with us again next week at this same time for another adventure by Peter chambers in crime and peter chambers This is the united states armed forces radio and television service