 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. This is Don Wilson, friends. How do you feel about it? Isn't smoking enjoyment the main thing you want from your cigarette? Well, just remember this. Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Now, freshness is especially important. And you'll be glad to know that every pack of Lucky Strike is extra tightly sealed to bring you Lucky's better taste in all its natural freshness. Light up a Lucky and see for yourself how much fresher, how much better it does taste. Lucky's just have to taste better. In the first place, they're made with fine tobacco. Fine, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Secondly, Lucky's are made better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. All this means better taste. Yes, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. So be happy, go Lucky. Get better taste and get it fresh with Lucky Strike. Be happy, go Lucky. Get better taste today. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby and yours truly done. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Jack Benny and his entire cast leave for New York where they'll do one television and two radio shows. As we look in on Jack's home in Beverly Hills, Rochester is taking care of the packing for the trip. Now let's see if everything's packed. Slippers, smoking jacket, silk robe, one full dress suit, dinner jacket, two tuxedos, silk scarf, gloves, white tie and spat. Well, I guess that's about all. Now I better pack Mr. Benny's things. And I convinced him to go out and buy some Lucky's for this trip. The boss really got a bargain in this airplane Lucky's buying the second hand. There's no doubt, but it's genuine airplane Lucky's. It used to belong to Orville Wright. Well, let's see. Rochester, how are you getting along with my packing? Fine, boss. I'm almost done. Did you pack all my toilet articles? Uh-huh. And I made sure I put in your hair oil, dandruff, remover, military brushes and comb. They're not necessary, but they're great for your morale. Yes, yes. Well, I'm going in the den and look for some books to take on the train. Well, let's see. What else will Mr. Benny want to take along with him to New York? It'll be pretty cold there. I better pack some of his long underwear. Here they are. He sure got a lot of long underwear. I'll never forget that time he put a pair on backwards. He looked like a sailor. What's this? This pair has the legs cut off just below the knees. Oh yes, now I remember. Mr. Benny did that in Palm Springs. He wanted people to think they were paddle pushers. Well, I better see them. Rochester, put these books in my bag. Yes, sir. Now, Rochester, don't forget to take along my violin. You taking that thing to New York with you? Yes, there's always a possibility it might get lost or damaged. So see that my insurance policy with Lloyds of London is paid up. You got your violin insured with Lloyds of London? Yes, why? I thought anything that moons like that would have the blue cross. Rochester, never mind being a musical critic. I'm going to take my violin. Shall I answer the door? No, you finish packing. I'll get it. Yeah, I can hardly wait to get on that train. Coming, coming. Oh, hello, Don. Hello, Jack. Come on in. Don, I didn't think I'd see it. We got to the station. Jack, what I have to talk to you about can't wait. Why? What's the matter? About the accommodations. You got me on the Super Chief. Well, what's wrong with them? Me and an upper berth? Don, everybody on the show has an upper berth. Well, I don't like it. Now, wait a minute, Don. The last time we went to New York, how did you go? You shipped me by freight. Oh, yes, I forgot. I made a good deal with the railroads. I didn't think I'd see it again. I didn't think I'd see it again. Oh, yes, I forgot. I made a good deal with the railroads then. Yeah, that was the most humiliating trip I ever took. Humiliating why? When the train stopped in Chicago, they opened the door and some guy stamped Swifton Company on me. All right, great, eh? If it'll make you happy, I'll get your compartment. Well, that's better. Boss, I've got everything all packed and ready. Oh, good, good. Hello? Hello, Jack. This is Bob Crosby. Oh, hello, Bob. What is it? Well, June the kids are all going to the station to see me off, so I'll have a car full. And well, I wondered if you'd mind giving Frank Remly a lift to the station. Oh, of course. I'll be glad to, Remly. Where shall I pick him up? Under the arms, like we always do. Oh, yes, yes. I'll see you at the station. Goodbye, Bob. So long. Well, June, that takes care of Remly. Jack's going to take him to the station. Oh, is Frankie going on the same train with you? Oh, yeah, we all have upper births, except Bagby, the piano player. He has a compartment. A compartment? Well, why should Bagby have such nice accommodations when everyone else has an upper birth? Well, June, you need extra room when you're handcuffed to a deputy sheriff. For a piano player, he can get in the mortuary or he can get into more trouble. Did you pack my shirts in the time? Yes, everything's ready. Say, I better take along some extra money. Money? Don't you get an expense account? Why do you travel with a show? Well, yes. Jack gives the seats $5 a day. $5 a day? That will hardly pay for your hotel room. What about food? Well, Jack has that all figured out. One day I eat and one day I sleep. I'd better get my heavy coat. You know it's cold back east, honey. Well, I put it by your luggage. Oh, by the way, Bob, didn't I hear some talk that President Eisenhower is going to appear on Jack's radio show next week? That's right. Jack is dedicating an entire program to the Red Cross. Oh, gee, it's nice of Jack to do that. Well, it's no more than fair. Look at all the blood that they've given him. Well, I must forget to take my music to New York. What music is that? Well, it's the new number that I've been rehearsing. Let's go over one. And skies are cloudy and gray. They're only gray for a day. So wrap your troubles in dreams and dream your troubles away. Until that sunshine deeps through there's only one thing to do. Just wrap your troubles in dreams and dream your troubles away. Your castles may tumble. That's fate after all. Life's really funny that way. No use to grumble. Just smile as they fall. Weren't you king for a day? Just remember that sunshine always follows the rain. So wrap your troubles in dreams and dream your troubles away. Eyes are cloudy and gray. They're only gray for a day. So wrap your troubles in dreams and dream your troubles away. Until that sunshine deeps through there's only one thing to do. Just wrap your troubles in dreams and dream your troubles away. Your castles may tumble. That's fate after all. Life's really funny that way. No use to grumble. Just smile as they fall. Weren't you king for a day? Just remember that sunshine troubles in dreams and dream yours. Yes, we've got almost everything packed, eh, Rochester? How many sandwiches do you want me to make up for the train? None. None? No, this trip I'm going to eat all my meals in the diner. Well, I better take my camera. All the papers that want pictures of this. Look, don't be so funny. Now, you put my luggage in the car and make sure all the doors and windows are shut. Oh, I gotta go down to my vault and get some money for the trip. Don, will you pick up Frankie Remlin? Sure, Jack. See you on the train. Yeah, I'll be, I'm going out the vault. That's the bridge over the moat. Gosh, look at that alligator. So strong and powerful. He's been very valuable to me, too. Free wallets and a belt, and he's still as healthy as ever. Hope he forgets my next Christmas. Getting wise to me when I come in here with a piece of meat in one hand and a can of ether in the other. Down, boy. See you later. Lucky tastes better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. Oop, lucky strike. Oop, lucky strike. Hello, Mr. Banny. Yes, Ed. Nice seeing you again. Thank you. How are things on the outside? Is it still summer? No, no, Ed, it's February. Oh, yes, that follows September. No, no, Ed, February follows January. January? Yeah. That's a new one on me. Well, anyway, it's February. I gotta open the safe and get some money. Shall I lie down so you can give me the ether again? No, no, Ed, you can watch this time. Well, let me see. The combination is right to 45. Left to 60. Back to 15. Then left to 110. There. Now, let's see how much money I need. There, this ought to be enough. Gosh, look at that big pile of money. Way in the back of the safe. Boy, if the South had won, I'd be a millionaire. Well, I better close the safe. Mr. Benny, you sure took out a lot of money this time. Yes, Ed, besides going on a trip, you see, on March 15th, I have to send my income tax to the government. All the way to Mexico City, eh? No, no, no, no, Ed, California is a state now. Well, so long, Ed. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. There's the station, Rochester. You park the car and take care of the baggage. I'll go on in. Yes, sir. And don't be late. The super chief leaves in about 15 minutes. I've got to go to that drug store and get myself a few things. What do you have to get? Some toothpaste, vitamin pills, and shampoo. Wait a minute, Rochester. Isn't that a Rexall drug store? Yeah, why? Well, they're having a one-cent sale. Here's three cents. Get me the same. I'll see you in the station. Oh, say, Rochester, here's another 15 cents. Get me a copy of this Saturday evening post with the Bob Hope autobiography in it. You know the one that's called This Is On Me. I want to read it on the train. Train now leaving on track five for Hennaheim. A zeppelin train. A zeppelin train. A zeppelin train. A zeppelin train. A zeppelin train. For Hennaheim. A zeppelin train. A zeppelin train. Hi, Jack. Oh, hello, Bob. Well, we'll be on our way pretty soon. I've got to go over to the window. I forgot to buy a ticket for my producer. Train now arriving on track four from San Francisco. Train now arriving on track six from San Diego. Engine now arriving on track three from Las Vegas. That conductor has bad luck. Oh, hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Don. Say, where are the sportsmen? Right over there. They'll be with us in a minute. They're saying goodbye to a couple of friends of theirs who just got married. The sportsmen are where? Right over there. Oh, yes. At the station. Choo-choo train. Conductor pull the cord. Choo-choo train. Looking up at Jiminy. Engineer. Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo. Smokey smoke. Well, puff enough to cheer her. Fix the room. And quarter, bring us ice. Quarter, get up room. Sweep out the shoes and rides. Quarter, thanks a lot. You've been so very nice. Quarter, tell you what. Here's a quarter. Choo-choo quarter. Choo-choo train. Please pardon us for hiding. I'll explain in case you didn't guess. Choo-choo train. It's heaven to be riding. Choo-choo. Choo-choo. The honeymoon expanse of wasting. Clear the track for something we all like. And then luck is to annoy. Fresh or smoother too. It's luck is you'll enjoy. Clean and through and through. First you tear them, then compare them. Choo-choo train. It's full and in the station. Choo-choo train. Unloading happiness. Choo-choo destination. Lives are happy. And I'll see you on the train. I got to go over the ticket window. Okay, Jack. Attention, please. Attention, the train standing on track nine will not leave the station. The engineer refuses to travel for a lousy five dollars a day. Now let's see. Oh, that's the ticket window over there. Oh, it's my friend from Calabasas. What are you doing here in Los Angeles? Rubbing my eyes, same as everybody else. Oh, that's... For a city that don't grow nothing, you sure got a lot of smudging going on here. Yeah, where are you going? No place. I just arrived from Calabasas. How are things out there? Pretty good. Been making speeches all month. Speeches? Yeah, I ran for mayor. The election was yesterday. Mayor of Calabasas, how'd you make out? I don't know. We're still waiting for the rural boat to come in. Oh, of course, the rural boat. Well, tell me, did you put on a good campaign? Oh, yes, yes. I went around to each farmer individually and asked him what his biggest problem was. I see. And what is the farmer's biggest problem? Traveling salesman. Well, so long, Ruth. So long. So long. Well, I better go get that ticket. Attention, please. All newspaper men and reporters, attention. Now arriving from Florida, Barbara Hutton and Porfirio Rubirosa, they are arriving on trains marked his and hers. Now, this must be the window. Oh, yeah, that man there, I guess, is the ticket agent. Oh, mister. Mister. Yeah. Holy, are you the ticket agent? No, I'm a groundhog. I came out, saw my shadow and ran back in here. Well, I'd like to buy a ticket to New York. Well, I can only send you a ticket to San Francisco. I just sold the man ahead of you a ticket to New York. Well, what's that got to do with it? You can sell me a ticket to New York, can't you? I can, but I won't. Why not? I like to keep my stacks even. That's the silliest thing. Excuse me, sir. Huh? I'm in a terrible hurry. Would you mind if I go ahead of you? Well, no, I guess not. Thank you. Yes, sir. What can I do for you, sir? I'd like to buy a ticket to Constantinople. Oh, I'm awfully sorry, but you can't buy a ticket to Constantinople. Why not? Well, you see, Istanbul was Constantinople. Now, it's Istanbul not Constantinople. Look, but I've got to meet my girl in Constantinople. Every girl in Constantinople lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople. So if you've a date in Constantinople... Look, you'll be waiting in Istanbul. Look, mister. Well, that's confusing. I don't know why. Even old New York was once New Amsterdam. Why did they change it? I can't say. People just liked it better that way. But I want to go back to Constantinople. But you can't go back to Constantinople. Now, it's Istanbul not Constantinople. See, why did Constantinople get the word? That's nobody's business but the church. Here's your ticket to Istanbul. Oh, thank you, and goodbye, y'all. I don't know why. I always have to get into these kind of spots. Train now arriving on track nine with 75 car loads of Florida oranges. Now departing on track nine with 75 car loads. You better sell me a ticket in New York or I'll report you. Oh, all right. Is the ticket for you? No, it's for my producer. Very well. Do you want this ticket on the El Capitan or the Super Chief? Well, let's see. I'm on the Super Chief, and the fare on that is $143. That's right. And if he goes on the El Capitan, it'll be $175. Now, just a minute. I happen to know that the Super Chief is more expensive than the El Capitan. Not when you're on it. The Super Chief is now departing. Hey, Jack, Jack, hurry, hurry. Coming, guys. I just made it. Yeah, you sure did. You know, mister, it's nice being on the Super Chief, isn't it? Yeah, but I hate to think what's going to happen in a few minutes. Why? I'm handcuffed to a piano player who got on the El Capitan. Well, huh? Jack will be back in just a minute. But first, let's meet America's prettiest professional golfer. Here she is, Miss Alice Bauer. You know something? I like to play golf. I've played golf for so many years. I played amateur golf at first, and now I'm playing professional golf. And I do like professional golf much better. It, uh, I don't know. It has more competition in it, and you really have to play a much better game of golf. I guess that's all a matter of taste, though. And after a hard day out on the golf course and really hard competition, I like to come in and sit down and relax and light up a lucky. I guess that's a matter of taste, too. But to me, luckies taste better. Thanks, Alice Bauer. Friends, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. First, because lucky strike means fine tobacco. And second, because luckies are made to taste better. So be happy. Go lucky. Ask for a carton of lucky strike. Luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky strike. Lucky strike. Well, Rochester, we're on our way to New York. Yeah, you've got a pretty busy schedule when we get there, haven't you? That's right. I'm not only doing two radio shows, but I'm also doing my television program next week with Helen Hayes. And I also have to play a big benefit. A benefit? Who for, boss? My cast. Some of them would like to eat and sleep. Good night, Paul. The Jack Benny program is written by Sam Perrin, Milk Joseph Spurt, George Balzer, John Packaberry, Al Gordon, Al Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. Stay tuned for the Amos and Andy show on the CBS Radio Network. Thank you.