 What's going on you guys rave to Rossi here? So today is Monday the 20 is it the 23rd? It's the 23rd Monday the 23rd of September and so I'm just under three weeks out from my competition And I wanted to really push myself that these last three weeks because I hear you because Never in the years that I've done competing, which is I think 1670-18 I think three or four years now I have never been this close to quitting. I've never wanted to quit this Competition prep this time around has been the most difficult and I'm not talking about the prep itself The prep itself is very very hard with the dieting and the training and all that and abstaining from like Drinking and eating all this stuff that I want to eat But what has really made it difficult is just life's curve balls and all the stuff that's been happening that completely out of my control and for the most part and Have just made it very very very heart psychologically and just realistically financially all of it at this point I haven't even paid for my registration yet. I haven't paid for the tannin package that I need to get I haven't paid for a lot of stuff I haven't gotten posing shorts or any of that yet and that's gonna that's gonna be like half a grand That's a lot of money a lot of you guys know I went to DC for five days to the you United States conference on AIDS to be there as a social media fellow And I gave a little speech and it was amazing and wonderful But the entire time I had to be off diet because I couldn't meal prep and I didn't have anything available I was literally just in the hotel constantly. I was working the entire day Excuse the noise because we've got people here renovating the hallways of my apartment building Yeah, I was in this in this little bubble that I couldn't get out of for five days So my diet was thrown for a loop and on my way home from the airport in LA as I was coming back after the conference I got a call from my co-worker letting me know that our restaurant had been shut down My main source of income was gone. No one even reached out to me from the restaurant I didn't find out until the next morning at the mandatory meeting. We were all being terminated They are slated to reopen in six eight twelve weeks. Who knows they want to reopen as a new concept But in the meantime, I don't know what I'm doing. I have no source of like primary source of income Unemployment told me I wouldn't qualify. I've just been going through the ringer I've been having that major like ups and downs and just feeling stuck and like I don't know what to do And I've just been like spinning my wheels. I really wanted that restaurant to be my last place of employment I really really as far as the service industry goes I wanted that to be my springboard into doing social media and influencer stuff and everything that I've been doing for you guys Reconciling with my ego and all that and just figuring out what I want to do And then all of a sudden the competition was like does it doesn't even make sense financially to throw all that money Into this competition when I don't even know if I'm gonna have money to pay my bills in a month And I don't have a job yet and all that but I've gotten so much support And I've gotten so much encouragement from people saying you gotta do it. You gotta do it You gotta do it But I didn't want to get stuck in the trap of doing it because everybody's saying do it do it do it And I don't want to let people down and I don't want to be judged You know I want to do it from a pure place of actually wanting to follow through and do it even though I'm so far behind on my diet I'm so far behind on posing and all this stuff and the finances and all that at the core of it at the Route I want to make sure I'm doing it for me I spoke with my coach and the decision that I made is that basically I'm going to act as if I'm going through with the competition and I'm gonna do it Everything is gonna go as it's as it's supposed to and I can always make the choice later to back out So the point of this video being with all that said and with my mindset and all everything that I've been going through And wanting to share that with you guys. I decided as a challenge to myself, especially now that I'm not working I don't have any excuses. I want to do a daily vlog every single day And a lot of you guys have been asking you've been wanting to see like what's my routine? What do I do in the morning? What do I do during the day if people want to see it? Perfect opportunity I'm gonna do a daily vlog up through the competition So that's basically three weeks of daily vlogs that you guys will be able to see it's an experiment for me Because I've never done it before it's honestly really scary and terrifying. I don't know why it's it's like I'm so vulnerable and so much a part of who I am and what I do is I want things to be planned out And I want them to be really good and I like things to be polished But part of daily vlogging is I kind of just have to roll with it. So this is just about doing just do it Nike this is day one. It's Monday, September 23rd day one of my vlog I'll probably capture some stuff for the rest of the day this morning. I had my workout I went to the grocery store and got all the stuff I need for meal prepping so I can get back into the grind And I just took Duke out for a walk. So here we go I'm currently filming on my good old Canon G7X Mark II that I've had for a while. I haven't used this in months Maybe like a year. Anyway, I gotta put my groceries away because I got raw beef here Just chillin. Gonna go back. I don't take care of that ASAP So if you want to see my here, I'll show you my meal prep that I did a few days ago I've got a bunch of potato that's like ready to go the beef I tend to cook as I need it per day just because I like it to be fresh But sometimes I don't have the time and I just realize, you know, it's okay to cook to maybe even three days Worth of beef ahead of time and not risk not being ready for it when I need it I think there's a small adjustment that I have to make. I literally bought all the frozen broccoli that was there Usually I go and they only have like two or three bags of this. So they had the entire row filled so I'm like I'm gonna capitalize a lot again It's so hard to come by and I understand why it's so easy And last but not least, chelula I was getting the normal size of chelula, but I realized like how quickly I'm burning through this stuff So I'm like just just get the big bottle. It's okay. Just get it. It's okay Plastic bag. I'll reuse it. I would love to get a filtration system on my The tap for my sink, but I don't see myself doing it anytime soon and like for circumstances So some bottled water will have to do in the meantime I don't know if I'm gonna like how not wide this camera is You're not gonna be able to see so much of what I'm doing unless I'm constantly Maneuvering the camera around just a pain in the butt This lens is dirty. I'll give you a little wipe real quick What's going on over here? God, Rafe Rafe get your shit together, man. Let's see it is noon It's noon. I got off at like 7 15 this morning and now it's time to eat breakfast Yasss eggs eggs for breakfast. Oh I forgot to get paper towels. That's what happens if I don't put it on their list guys I live by lists My mom used to drive me nuts growing up because she always had lists She always had lists written on every single like you know when real realtors used to give you those free pads of paper and pens She used to have like I remember on the bar She would have that path there and she just had lists for all day long And then she tried to like impose that idea on me She would like leave little post-its on my desk in my room with things I need to do and can you do this can you do that? I hated it so much and now here I am I've become my mother literally all I do is make lists I function off list my notepad. I'm so like I have one for my groceries that I need I have one for like Target for all my vlogs I've showed you guys this before but like I literally just endless lists and sub categories and subcategories and all My life is a list. All right, so gonna be four eggs and a frying Zero calorie spray the chulula of course and Himalayan sea salt While that's going I like to get my shake going as well. So I'm gonna do that right here Little refeed on some healthy carbs Greens formula. Look at that nice heaping scoop scoop of that in there some good old-fashioned organic cinnamon About one tablespoon or was it a teaspoon? Cinnamon's good for you. It's like my eggs are ready to flip Do a daily vlog. I'm not gonna like go through all the exact same things every day That would be boring and useless. So I'm showing you guys my breakfast today tomorrow I'll skip over the breakfast portion and then just getting down to things and I think that's good Yeah, right. So this yeah, this is another gym product. It's just a post workout formula It's got some aminos in it. It's got other stuff to help from muscle recovery and muscle repair So usually at this point, I've realized I got to get my my supplement I have pill form supplements ready for the day. I have a little container that I fill and refill every day So while those eggs are finishing, I'm gonna do that right now I have almost everything that I'm gonna use in this cabinet right here. I'm gonna start with Creatine ZMA, which is zinc and magnesium natural testosterone booster estrogen reducer fat burner fish oil Vitamin D3 5000 I use glucose amine B complex my multivitamin which is for dinner I said most of the stuff that I put in here is in the cabinet, but I have a couple other things like my my HIV medication my Allergy medicine and my finasteride which is for my hair soy so it doesn't like thin or anything I'm out of my allergies and I'm allergic to my dog. So I'm gonna need to get some more of that So for now, I'm just gonna put in my Victoria V, which is my HIV medicine I'm probably gonna I'm gonna sit down at my computer today and have breakfast and stuff So I can also look at emails and go over social media while I'm partaking in breakfast Never have enough children. It's the best. Happy Monday, and there you have it Breakfast tada, so I wanted to take a moment to talk about my experience with stigma in light of Jonathan Van Ness coming out as HIV positive and this discussion about visibility and the need for people to come out With their HIV positive status Not if they don't want to but if they feel compelled to and if they don't like having to live in fear or in hiding Or in secrecy, then it's super important that we have role models and people who are public figures who are by way of living openly and confidently and transparently are Communicating to everyone else that it's okay to have HIV and to have a happy healthy full life Just as deserving of happiness and health and love as anybody else And I also did a video recently on Gareth Thomas coming out with HIV I was just so like struck by the amount of hateful spiteful negative comments that I received on that video It was the most visceral Reaction that I had gotten to video in quite a while There were a lot of people that just had really had something extreme to say about it And there was so much stigma laden in those comments The ones that were really disappointing to me personally were the ones that were coming from the gay community from people Who were gay who were embarrassed or ashamed that he was someone who was coming out with HIV And that he was giving the gay community a bad name These people don't realize that they are the ones who are catering to stigma like the stigma is there that negative Perception of what it means to be living with HIV and to be diagnosed with HIV and then they're trying to do everything in their power to Create a perception of our community by distancing themselves from people who have HIV because that comes with a negative connotation and it's like no bro Like one person said that we're sheep for supporting Gareth Thomas and I was like you're calling us sheep But like think about who you're trying to cater to and trying to impress and trying to be liked by in distancing yourself from the HIV community That's stigma right there in action in your subconscious Causing you to like hate on people who have HIV like it doesn't make any sense So I think there's so much stigma still even in places that you would consider Western world Developed in cities that people are supposed to be really educated on it like here in Los Angeles So I wanted to talk about my own Recent experience with stigma here in Los Angeles a place where you would think there is a lot of access to Education and resources last December I had been going to a barbershop in the Valley and I've been going to this barbershop Maybe like several times. I don't know if it was like five six seven times I had a developed a report with the barber and we were cool We would text and he would respond right away or if I called him he would get back to me Like it was just obvious that we were good Like the last time that I was there getting my haircut with him I you know each time I'm opening up more and more and sharing more of my personal life So the last time I was there I told him that I was diagnosed with HIV AIDS and that I was doing a lot of like social media work Talking about it advocacy work and his response was like, whoa, man, like that's crazy. That's really intense I don't think I could be able to handle it if that was me in that case I don't know what I would do but like so much rep mad respect for you for doing that That's like incredible He was just like wow like baffled by it, but at the same time like really encouraging and what I was doing So I didn't think anything of it until I wanted to make a follow-up appointment And at that point he didn't respond to my text. I thought okay, that's weird whatever So I tried again and again no response. I thought maybe this guy is on vacation He's out of he's not working for a couple weeks or whatever So I called the barbershop eventually and the person who picks up the phone is like, yeah Oh, yeah, he's here right now. He's actually with a client and I go. Oh, okay. That's okay So um just tell him that rave called and give him my message Let him know that you don't want to set up an appointment and tell him to get back to me Here's my number didn't hear anything and so this went on for the course of maybe a month or so to the point Where I was like, yo, okay, I don't know why you're not responding to me anymore I don't know why if you don't want to do business with me for whatever reason Just please let me know and he just never got back to me It was hard for me to grapple with and come to terms with the fact that this guy who was really really cool with me was Stonewalling me because he knew that I had HIV and I finally just had to like accept that and be like, okay This guy's not gonna see me again. I have to go find somebody else. Luckily. I found a barbershop here on Melrose called asa fades I got my new barber. His name is Eugene. He's awesome. He's the best and so I go see him every week You know, I'm one of his best guys cuz I'm always there consistently other guy missed out. Sorry. Not sorry I told him about the story like the first I think the first time I sat down with him and he was just like that's so f'd up I can't believe that that's not an issue here You don't have to worry about that and it hasn't been an issue So so grateful and thankful for that But I'm humbled in realizing that there is still a lot of stigma and there is and people do have to deal with That crap even here in LA and then recently I was sitting down with him I was in his chair one day and he told me because he and I are friends on Instagram And sometimes we'll post each other on each other's feed or story or whatever that one of his other clients that he was cutting his hair One day actually mentioned he goes. Hey, you know, I saw one of your other clients on Instagram He has HIV, huh? Yeah, Eugene's like, yeah, he does and the guy's like, well, aren't you worried like doesn't that bother you? Or aren't you worried that like something you know could happen with the scissors or like with your equipment your tools and stuff And then it's like realizing that this other guy is concerned for his health and his safety Because his barber is cutting someone else's hair who has HIV. That's very ignorant There's so much work to be done. If that's people if people are still afraid of that It reminds me of you know, Greg Luganis swimming in a pool and other people not wanting to Swim the same pool as him because he had HIV and they might bleed in the pool and then somehow That might infect other people or people made that argument with Gareth Thomas that like Oh if he had HIV for a while and he's like playing on the field with other rugby players And he's bleeding and he's gonna get his blood on other people and then everybody else is just gonna get infected And it's like it's not quite that it doesn't really happen like that at all There's just a lot of education that needs to happen not only education, but visibility We need to see people normal people living going about their lives Just having examples in society is important enough to give other people permission to To be okay with their diagnosis and to live happily and it isn't to say that we're glorifying saying yes Yes, HIV like everyone needs to have HIV. Whoo. Yeah, you got HIV high five. That's not what it's about It's about saying we are giving props and respect to people who are willing to talk about it openly And that's a distinction that a lot of people have a hard time grappling with I've noticed people are like Why are we commending people for getting HIV? That's not what we're doing. We're not saying. Yes Go out and get HIV because then you'll be a hero. No, we're saying if you have it like so many people who are too afraid and too self-hating and too Worried to come out with it for fear of repercussions from friends family job Society for those people who are willing to step forward and be open about it as a source of Inspiration as a source of strength for others that is applaudable and right In light of the campaign that's going on today hashtag a day with HIV I wanted to get a picture of myself that was good quality high quality to post on instagram And um, so I used this as a backdrop with that in the background and I was like How am I going to focus my camera on manual focus if I don't have a subject to to work off of so I end up I put this guy right here. See space height Right where I was going to be standing. I put it right here. And then I went back over there focused my Camera manually then I removed that thing and I have a marker on the ground right here So I knew exactly where I had to stand so that I would be in focus for that camera And then I put my camera on um self timer 10 seconds I was just like running back and forth for the past hour Trying to get a good shot trying to make it look good different poses for those of you wondering how like that stuff Get how you can do that on your own when you don't have anybody else helping you That's just something that I came up with that I do and yeah, it's a little time consuming It takes a little work a lot of running back and forth. I do have a remote control too I just haven't set it up yet So that would be helpful to just be able to like try different things and stay in one spot and and use the remote But um, there are ways to do it was took took me a cool hour And I got my instagram post and by the time you're watching this it'll be on instagram You'll see it tv in the background in the potted plant check it out Okay, so I took a little nap earlier then I was going through emails and stuff on my macbook When I came across a little email from one of the producers over at love line Love line was a radio show that used to be on um krock now. It's on channel q. It's an lgbt qi plus focused Radio station and I had met dr. Chris donahue a while back just serendipitously and we had talked about possibly bringing me on And so the producer decided to invite me to be on to interview tomorrow night for love line And in light of jonathan van ness coming out as hfv positive So that's um, you know perfect in-road to Talk about coming out as hfv positive and dating and all that stuff that applies to love line Hey, so yeah, this is what they sent me Um where it's at I gotta send them a photo bio stuff like that. So yeah Super excited about it looking forward to it. And yes, I'm still wearing my chemo shorts from earlier I took a nap even though I hadn't showered yet. I'm disgusting. I'm a filthy animal Um, so I'm gonna I'm gonna do that I'm gonna get the headshot bio and then I'm gonna try to squeeze in another 40 minute 45 minute Cardio session and then I want to get some blocks. I've done for tomorrow before my meeting with a telecare foundation So it's 10 p.m. I've been answering emails talking a little bit with my agent I was on call for another possible gig coming up this week That's a cool opportunity if it if it pans out if it works well And now I'm gonna go I want to go to the gym in the apartment building to do a quick 45 Cardio session. I know the words quick and 45 minutes together. Don't make sense for me. It's not that bad All right, so I'm here in the apartment gym It's actually supposed to be closed at 10 p.m. And I'm getting here after 10 So I'm being quiet just so that I don't bother anybody and get kicked out See you guys on the other side of 45 minutes Okay, just finished my 45 minute cardio and now I'm gonna take dookie out since he's been waiting patiently for me. There he is My good boy, baby Ready to go outside wait outside. Oh, yeah, let's go buddy. Let's go. Come on, baby