 Huh, you call this a quarantine? You weren't there for the SCP s***ing outbreak that rearranged your DNA so your grandma was your girlfriend and your girlfriend was your local news anchor. Whole bunch of fry boys we were for a while there. Alright alright alright. Good afternoon Foundation staff. This little full research of Theron Sherman and today's broadcast is to brief you on a very dangerous anomaly. This is item number SCP-5031. Now note, this file is under review. This document has been flagged for possible methodological issues. Please be aware the following information is subject to change and may contain inaccuracies. So item number SCP-5031. Object Class, Keeter. Special Containment Procedures. SCP is to be contained in an anti-dion cell on BioSight 59. The structure must be inspected for imperfections on a bi-weekly basis. No other interaction is necessary. Description. SCP-5031 is a non-sapient, quasi-humanoid creature of unknown origin. When directly observed, SCP-5031 will temporarily cease to exist until the viewer stops observing the space that SCP-5031 formerly occupied. Traces of existence, like scratch marks, blood trails, continue to exist when SCP-5031 does not. Experimental photography devices do not capture SCP-5031's appearance. However, observing SCP-5031's shadow does not cause cessation of existence, allowing certain physiological traits to be inferred from its silhouette, such as, abnormally small head with no discernible neck, elbows branched into three sets at lower arms each, elongated torso approximately 1.9 meters in length, pelvis terminates in a crescent-shaped protrusion of oceous tissue with a blade-like lower edge, levitates above the ground at a fixed height of half a meter. While SCP-5031 has no nutritional needs, it will nevertheless hunt and consume any human or animal it encounters by using its pen to the slower body to down targets. SCP-5031 does not sleep and is incapable of expression or verbal communication. Addendum. As of February 14, 2018, Senior Researcher Stanley Huckstable is now acting in the role of HCL Supervisor for SCP-5031. The following is a selection of relevant correspondences from Huckstable to Site Director U.S. of Mostofy elucidating research progress. February 14, 2018 – Initial Impressions I have no idea who wrote this, but there's a lot I like to say to him. I'm not a fan of abandoning a living creature inside a metal box for 10 years, no matter how pragmatic it may be. It's difficult to fathom the such things were considered the norm a decade ago. Have you ever heard something scream from behind 10 inches of iron for hours on end? When I do my redraft, remind me to add anomalous resistance to hoarseness somewhere in the description. Could you work your magic and get the voice to retrofit the containment cube with an aperture or an insecurity vestibule? I'd like to run some tests that require exposing SCP-5031 to certain stimuli. March 8, 2018 – Round 1 Test, Sound, Summary Forward – We assault speakers in the containment vestibule and play various albums of natural ambiance and popular music. SCP-5031's propensity for screaming worked as a convenient way to measure its stress levels. 100% will be considered its typical screaming – volume and duration – over 48 hours, and 0% will be no screaming at all. This table shows the music played at the resulting stress levels. Morning Forest ambiance – 43% Seaside Paradise ambiance – 48% Deep Grotto ambiance – 62% The Best of Mozart – 13% The Best of Anya – 18% The Best of Ben Folds – 6% The Best of Jethro Tull – 59% The Best of KISS – 23% Afterward, efficacy of music for stress reduction gradually decreases over time. I've assembled a playlist of SCP-5031's paper music playing on shuffle in its enclosure in perpetuity. Stress levels consistently remain in the 15-25% range, baseline adjusted accordingly. March 22, 2018 – Round 2 Tests – Play – Summary In this table, the test is followed by the result. Through softball into enclosure, SCP-5031 sliced the ball in two. Tossed basketball into enclosure, SCP-5031 sliced the ball in open. Rolled bowling ball into enclosure, SCP-5031 scratched a couple of grooves in the ball, and then rolled the ball around the enclosure with the blunt end of its tail for 20 minutes. Stress levels remained less than 60% after play. Rolled another bowling ball into the enclosure, SCP-5031 used the blunt end of its tail to hit the balls together for a while. Stress levels remained less than 40% after play. Bowling ball chipped, it would no longer roll properly. This was unplanned. Stress levels increased to approximately 115%. Replacement bowling ball provided, stress levels fell back to approximately 40%. Tossed basketball into enclosure, SCP-5031 picked up and played with the ball. Stress levels remained less than 20% after play. SCP-5031 began to use its hands to play with the basketball, possibly to avoid accidentally damaging it. Motor skill comparable to that of a toddler. SCP-5031 still prefers bowling ball for kicking. April 5th, 2018. Round 3 tests. Food. Summary. Forward. SCP-5031 was given the choice between two potential food sources, placed at opposite ends of the enclosure. The following table lists the food choices and SCP-5031 selection. Human corpse, pig carcass. Pig carcass. Pig carcass, chicken carcass. Pig carcass. Pig carcass, rotisserie chicken. Rotisserie chicken. Chicken carcass, rotisserie chicken. Rotisserie chicken. Live chicken, rotisserie chicken. Rotisserie chicken. Roasted turkey, rotisserie chicken. Neither. Presumed sated. Afterward. While it's true that SCP-5031 doesn't necessarily need to eat, feeding it regularly has caused a marked decrease in average stress levels. Stress reduction seems to scale proportionately with the quality of food provided. Also of note is that SCP-5031 prefers to use its tail to pry and cut meat into bite-sized portions rather than rip the meat into chunks with its teeth or hands. April 12, 2018. Round 4 tests. Coexistence. Summary. Test 1. SCP-5031 fed until sated. Live subject, common chicken, introduced to enclosure. Result. SCP-5031 observed subject from a distance for several minutes and then rolled a bowling ball toward subject at high speed. Subject was killed instantly. SCP-5031's stress levels rose immediately and drastically. Test 2. Bowling balls removed from enclosure. SCP-5031 fed until sated. Live subject, common chicken, introduced to enclosure. Result. SCP-5031 gently rolled a basketball toward subject. Ball hit subject lightly. Subject responded with small cry and moved away. SCP-5031 did not engage with subject any further. Test 3. SCP-5031 fed until sated. Live subject, class D, blindfolded, introduced to enclosure, instructed to sit and roll basketball forward then wait till it came back and roll it away again. Result. Subject and SCP-5031 successfully rolled the ball back and forth for several minutes. SCP-5031 eventually abandoned the activity and approached the subject. Per safety protocol, subject removed their blindfold to terminate the activity. Test 4. SCP-5031 fed until sated. Live subject, class D, introduced to the enclosure, instructed to toss a tennis ball at the wall, let it ricochet behind them and then catch and repeat. Result. SCP-5031 stood behind subject and successfully engaged in game of catch, mimicking subject's action of letting ball ricochet against the wall. Afterward, SCP-5031's motor skills appear to be rapidly improving. May 16, 2018. Round 5 tests, symbols, summary. Forward. Five LCD displays were fitted into the wall of SCP-5031's enclosure, each with a lit button and a food dispenser underneath. Test 1. Two stations activated. Screen 1 displayed the image of a rock. It's button dispensed rocks. Screen 2 displayed the image of a rotisserie chicken. It's button dispensed pieces of chicken. Result. SCP-5031 poked at the image of a chicken for few minutes and eventually hit the button. Chicken was dispensed until SCP-5031 was satisfied. Test 2. Screen displays and the materials dispensed were swapped. Result. SCP-5031 hit the button it had the previous day and received a rock. It then went to the other screen and hit the button to dispense chicken. Test 3. Screen displays and materials dispensed were swapped back to their original positions and set to swap again at random intervals after first distribution. Result. SCP-5031 went directly to the button next to the image of a chicken, experienced apparent confusion after the first mid-distribution swap, but quickly learned to wash the images. Test 4. Three more stations, screens, buttons, dispensers, were activated. Four stations displayed the word rock and dispensed rocks. One station displayed the word chicken and dispensed chicken. Arrangements set to change randomly several times over the following days. Result. Through trial and error, SCP-5031 determined which station dispensed chicken. SCP-5031 subsequently went to the station marked chicken whenever displays were swapped. Test 5. All stations deactivated except one. Screen displayed the word chicken. Seven wood blocks were set in front of the station, each marked with one of the letters in the word chicken. The station's button was sent to remain unlit and inactive until the blocks were arranged in the correct order. Result. SCP-5031 expressed apparent frustration hitting the inactive button repeatedly and striking the wall with its tail. Test 6. Same as previous test, but screen displayed the word chicken with each letter overlaid on a photo of a wood block. Result. After 12 minutes, SCP-5031 successfully assembled the word chicken. Afterward, it can learn language, Yusuf. August 29, 2018. Round 6 tests. Vocabulary. Results. Forward. SCP-5031 has learned to use letter blocks to form the following words. Foods. Chicken. Turkey. Pork. Tofu. Beef. Bread. More salt. More pepper. More cooked. Music. Mozart. Enya. Ben Folds. Forest. Seaside. White noise. More volume. Less volume. Silence. Play. Basketball. Bowling ball. Tennis ball. Cat. Dog. Human. Robert. Stanley. Alone. Afterward, through its increased vocabulary and human interaction, SCP-5031 has made the following progress. Establish food preferences and dish pairings. Learn to sing non-verbally. Learn to juggle. Six-handed juggling is something to behold. October 5, 2018. Round 7 tests. Activities. Summary. Test 1. Introduce table, paper, and crayons into the enclosure. Live subject, D-52125, instructed to demonstrate drawing for SCP-5031. Result. SCP-5031 learned to draw. Dissertable subjects depicted in its artworks include D-52125, SCP-5031, a rotisserie chicken, a cat, and myself. Test 2. Introduce piano into the enclosure. Live subject, D-52125, instructed to play chopsticks blindfolded and invite SCP-5031 to play along. Subject had time to practice beforehand. Result. SCP-5031 learned chopsticks in two days, though it appeared more interested in making its own original music, complete with vocals. These compositions might be considered crude by human standards. Test 3. Introduce spice rack into the enclosure. Live subject, D-52125, instructed to demonstrate seasoning meats. Result. SCP-5031 spent almost three straight days experimenting with different combinations of foods and spices. SCP-5031 assembled the words more, more, more with its letter blocks after running out of garlic powder. Afterward. SCP-5031 only engages with art and music when accompanied by D-52125, but continues to be preoccupied with food preparation even when alone. January 1st, 2019. Round 8 Tests. Cooking. Results. Forward. Basic kitchen utilities installed in enclosure. Live subject, D-52125, instructed to demonstrate preparation of various recipes. Recipes learned. Case of Diat. Taco. Hamburger. Fried rice. Mungolium beef. Spicy chicken curry. Chocolate chip cookies. Sponge cake with buttercream. Fudge. Clam chowder. Steak. Macarons. Chicken adobo. Smoke salmon. Profiteroles. Afterward. SCP-5031 has a severe peanut allergy. This should be included in the revised containment procedures. I would also like to note that SCP-5031 is now a better chef than the average human, and it has begun to create its own recipes. D-52125 has volunteered a taste test. June 30th, 2019. Update. SCP-5031 has said its first word. Salt. We are all immensely proud. November 29th, 2019. Final test. Summary. SCP-5031 was given two months to develop a three-course meal to serve at the BioSite 59 cafeteria for personnel working over Thanksgiving. Its selections were as follows. First course, sweet potato turmeric miso soup. Second course, duck confit with apple cider glaze and cranberry compote topping, paired with butternut squash no chi on a bed of kale seasoned with truffle salt. Third course, a slice of spice cazoffa pie, topped with french vanilla ice cream and a maple hazelnut syrup. SCP-5031 also debuted its original composition, Piano Concerto for Six Hands, in a live performance broadcast from its enclosure. Personnel response was overwhelmingly positive. SCP-5031's stress levels at zero percent. Testing successfully concluded. Revised documentation submitted for approval. You see, a lot of the old days we used to just lock these suckas up, but with a little TLC, these murder boys can be upstanding members of society. You know, as long as we keep them locked away from normal society. Alright staff, that ends our broadcast. Use the foundation encrypted YouTube account to like, comment, subscribe, hit the bell, and support our broadcast at Patreon site 42. This is to you quarantine fam.