 It is July, which means a new theme, and this month's theme is Mastering Connection. Now we want to kick off this episode on making long-lasting connections, whether it's personal, professional, or romantic. And our hope is that by the end of the episode, you'll have the necessary knowledge to strengthen the bonds that you already have in your life, whether that's the connection with your significant other, friends, family, or coworkers. Next week, we're actually going to talk about the problems that can arise and how to prevent or repair them. Johnny, how are you feeling about this toolbox? I'm excited. Let's get to it. This is something that everyone can dive into. We all have different types of relationships that affect our lives in many different ways, and we want to make sure that we have the tools to develop all of them to where we want them to be, to get the most out of them, and to be able to give the most to them. And I know over the last 16 months, we've really focused on building new relationships, new habits, adding to our lives. This month, we really want to focus on the relationships that we have and how to deepen them and how to communicate more effectively. And obviously, this is not a skill that we are taught in school. You know, I was doing a podcast interview this morning, and he was asking me about my experience learning about this stuff, and unfortunately, there are no classes around mastering connection in school that I encountered. What about you? Absolutely not. In fact, one of the letters and questions that we get more than anything is, why isn't this stuff taught in schools, and I don't have an answer for that. I don't know why, but that's why we have a job, and that's why we get to have fun discussing this stuff on a weekly basis. And because it is so essential to your life, I've become obsessed with these inner workings, and obviously, a lot of you have as well. And I want to be honest, we're going to get vulnerable ourselves here, because we've struggled with these areas, and sometimes I'm continuing to struggle in these areas, and we're going to talk about some specific methods of communication that we need to be aware of. Some of us may be doing it, some of us may be receiving it, but a lot of us are unaware of these levels of communication. Well, there was a word you just used I wanted to bring up first. You know, this idea of mastery, we hear it all the time, but I think people look at it in the wrong context, because we're talking about life skills that are constantly going to be sharpened, and you're going to get better. I don't think that you ever mastered, I mean, you never really mastered any of these skills. Self-development is something that you master. The mastery is over oneself to be able to develop these tools, and if you look at it, how many people do we know are like, oh, well, I'm going to get to that as soon as I read this next book, or as soon as I master this new technique, then I'm going to... You don't master anything. The mastery is in understanding it in yourself so that you can get to work on these things. There is no master, and that's where I think there's some of the issues coming, because people think of it as something like either I've mastered it or I haven't, but there's no in between. No. All there is is in between. And we've had Kobe on the show. Kobe has missed some shots. He's lost some championships. Talked a little bit about that, and you could argue he's mastered basketball, but it is a process, and that's what we're talking about here, effectively communicating with the people that matter in our lives. And as we know, we haven't learned it in school. Some of us have learned it through experience. Some of us had great role models that we're also going to touch on a little bit later, but let's face it, your relationships equal life satisfaction and quality. And we've talked about this a ton on the show. Now, in this toolbox, we want to lay the groundwork for connection. We talked about dating at length in May. We've talked about identifying toxic relationships in March. So we now have great people in our lives. We have relationships that we want to develop and connect on a deeper level. And some of us might feel like a character on Game of Thrones here going, what the hell happened in season eight? Oftentimes we've heard this over and over again. I'm a great listener, but my partner, my friend is yelling at me saying, you don't listen to my communication. And we're going to talk about why that is happening because a lot of us are giving value, attention, acceptance, appreciation in different ways. And just because we're giving value to someone in one way doesn't necessarily that they're going to reciprocate in the same way. What we're talking about is the love languages, the five ways that you can speak them, and we're going to get to that after the break. But beforehand, we want to make sure that we have some things set up when it comes to relationships and the expectations that we go into them with. And a lot of us put heavy expectations on the other person. Well, you know, if you have high expectations for yourself, you're going to put a high expectations on others. However, what we're talking about here is the right expectations. And what we mean by that is some people sort of look to others to complete them, whether it's intimate or whether it's their social circle. We hear it all the time of people looking for other people to bring them into different social circles or to be accepted. And if you haven't accepted yourself, how do you expect others to? And then to put these expectations of other people to open up their worlds to you. That's certainly setting yourself up for failure and a lot of heartbreak. Now, here's a little thought experiment for those of us who are feeling incomplete. As we said, coming into a relationship with the idea that your partner's going to complete you, your friend's going to complete you, not a winning strategy. And it is counterintuitive because on the surface level, that approach seems to make sense, right? It's like you want someone to compliment you. You want someone to help make you a better person. But listen, just because they have a social life, they have activities they want and they have expectations doesn't mean that there's going to be a direct match. And all of a sudden, ooh, I'm a perfect whole human being. So let's talk about this little thought experiment. Indulge us here for a moment. Let's say the tables are turned and your friend, your significant other, your spouse has no social life, no friends. They need you to introduce them to all of your friends to build out that part of themselves. Everything you love doing, you now need to do with your partner, because all of a sudden they want to do it too, from Spanish to rock climbing to mountain biking, whatever the case may be. And that's really the only way to get that person out of the house with you. And you're the one who needs to buy all the ingredients and supervise everything from cooking to what is the wine we're picking out at dinner. How are you going to feel with that burden and that weight on your shoulders? I don't know how many times you just saw me roll my eyes in the thoughts of having. I hope our listeners are tuning in on our YouTube channel, The Art of Charm TV, to see your eye roll because I felt it from across the table. Yeah, and this is difficult because you're now expecting the other person to bring all the value into your life and allow you to feel happy because of the missing pieces that have eluded you. And this is the thing that we were talking about this when we were prepping this, which is, you know, I think it's a fairy tale idea that this other person is supposed to complete you. And I think we've all have been stuck in that idea at one point or another. In fact, I personally know I have. And let's let's talk about that. So in my 20s, I just remember, you know, certainly being at my worst in my 20s. And what I mean by that is a typical 20 something knucklehead, rock and roll kid, right? And and it was always, you know, I would hear things like, you know, when you're going to get it together or all the all kind of stuff like that. And I was like, what are you talking about? I got it together. Well, yeah. And like, I need somebody to come in here and straighten me out. Yeah, I just got to join this band. And then next thing, you know, I'm off to the races. Well, for me, it was always the I will straighten up when I have a girlfriend that straightens me up. Ah, you the fixer. Yeah. And so and in the in the thing about that. And I think that certainly has played a role later in my life when I became the fixer. However, let's wait on that. But because I was waiting for somebody to come in and fix me or give me a reason why I should straighten up my act, which was, well, if you're going to bring in then where you're bringing in. So the idea here is that you are supposed to complete yourself, be the best person yourself so you can attract the best person for yourself. If I'm going to be a complete mess or wait for the person to come fix me, the only people that I'm going to be bringing in are other complete disasters. So now we have two people who are complete disasters looking to complete each other. And the only thing that can come out of that is insanity, chaos and drama. And when I think back about that in my and some of those relationships and we're going to talk about some of the languages that was used in them they were exactly what I just said they were. I was me being a complete wreck. The girl trying to fix me. Doting on you, chasing you around. Yeah, but but she has her own issues because that's what I had brought to the table. Yeah, to the table. And this is where, of course, self development comes in. Because as we talked about last month, at some point you say to yourself, enough is enough time to make changes. And I grew out of that idea. Possibly because of one too many failed relationships. It was like, all right, perhaps the issue is my mindset is going into this thing. Right. And so. And there was a lot to probably to that moment, but that was certainly one of them. And of course, looking back, it's like there was a lot of of insanity that didn't need to be there. But, you know, you put two incomplete people together who are now a co dependent on each other to making each other feel whole. And then here's the best part. When you don't feel whole and you're looking at your significant other like, well, you know, I'm still here, half empty. What's going on? So now the resentment is going to your partner's way. And they're like, what did I do? Now, thinking about that thought experiment, and I'm going to take some shots here at Puppers, who's sitting on my lap wearing a cone due to a little paw injury. Yeah. It sounds like a puppy dog. Yeah. Following you around everywhere, can't make a decision for themselves, needs you for everything in their life. And like, hey, pups, I love you, but sometimes I need a break from you too. Could you imagine that in a partner or a friend? So we can't go into any relationship looking to be completed. If we're not whole and we're just going to put it out there, that's who we're going to bring in. And of course, this is going to add to it. And now this is why self development plays a role, because then you look to make yourself whole, you look to make yourself the best that you can be. And now what are you bringing in? You're attracting the best people that you can, who if you've done a good job working on yourself and making yourself whole and being the high value person that you can be. Now you're bringing in other high value people. So when problems and issues do arise and they will, they are relationships that you're able to work through them. You're able to be vulnerable, have a conversation and address these at these issues as adults. Rather than he said, she said, you did this, I did that. Then we've all been in those relationships. And how many people listening to this have friends, maybe on social media that who seem to perpetually be in these relationships for decades, because these behaviors are not going to change. Unless you've consciously decided to to go through the efforts of changing yourself, these things are going to continue happening. And let's face it, the problems you brought into that relationship. These are replicated of behaviors that you have learned from the environment in which you grew up in. So there is a there is a chain here how this is where this is coming from and where it's going. And if you don't fix it, guess what? And then your children are going to be doing it. It's a vicious cycle. And it reminds me, we were at Scout Camp last week. That's how puppies injured his paw. And what did we learn? We learned that in communication, there's a sender. Yes, there's a message and there's a receiver. And as we start to talk about these love languages from Gary Chapman, I want you, as you're listening, to not just think about the receiver of the message, but think about the sender of the message. Look at your communication as much as you're looking at your friends, partners, coworkers, communication. And you will start to see the full picture that we're talking about here. Now, let's talk about love languages for a bit. I had a good buddy of mine, Kenny introduced me to this concept. Man, I guess five or six years ago, he went through this with his now wife, trying to understand how to communicate better and deepen their relationship. As Kenny was explaining to me love languages and understanding his partner's love language and his own, it really got me thinking about my past relationships and the struggles that I've had communicating with friends and partners. And it's funny sitting there and thinking retrospectively of all the conversations I've had around, you're not hearing me, you're not listening. And me as the receiver, being like, of course, I'm listening. Of course, I'm paying attention. I like to think I'm a great listener, not understanding the nuance that Gary Chapman broke down in these five love languages. Yeah. And I love this. And certainly one of the reasons I love doing this show is because of the research that I have to do that ties into my favorite obsession, which is self development and human behavior and communication. And this book has been on my list for, I don't know how many years. However, the title had always, I just managed to push it away. It's called the Love Languages by Gary Chapman. And I'm just like, I don't need to read this mushy love language book. It's it was always been in the list, but it always got pushed off by something that was more sexier and then this kind of stuff for me. And the, but as getting into it and finally reading it, the thing that I had learned is it may be titled the Love Languages. And that title may be a bit off because the way I see this is the long, the love languages, then the five that we're going to discuss are how you speak to giving value, attention, approval and acceptance, which is our, our cool principle, our core principle here at the art of charm and how you deliver attention, approval and acceptance and not just to your intimate partner, but everyone around you. And you will be doing that five different ways. And this is really exciting because one, if you can understand the one, the language that that you speak in and what you need, then you are going to be a much happier person. But also when you're able to recognize how others, how others use these languages, then you are better equipped to give them the attention of value and acceptance they need. And you may have thought from listening to show, and this is to add on to what you were saying is if you listen to show, you know about emotional bids, you know about attention, approval, acceptance and you know about giving value and being a high value person. And you may have given your attempts, your best attempts in some of these relationships and possibly have been a bit perplexed to why it didn't seem to work or didn't go anywhere. Well, slighted, frustrated, felt you were showing up and wasn't receiving what you would hope from your friend, your partner, your lover. Absolutely. And the reason being is because though you're giving the the value out that you know they so well needed and deserved, you gave it to them in the wrong language. And so this is wonderfully written book. And all the science, there's some science there behind it. And I certainly know when I read it, a lot of light bulbs went off for myself as well. So I'm excited to get into it. Well, good news. Dr. Gary Chapman wrote this book in 1992. Yep. The five love languages. It's a wildly successful bestseller. And he's gone on to write love languages in business. Love languages in friendship. And then thinking about the title, I really think it's trust that we're talking about here. OK, so I think not to be dissuaded or uninterested because we're saying the word love for those of you who are in Johnny's camp and your thoughts of feelings on that. But understanding and when Kenny shared this with me and shared his love languages, I was like, oh, now I see it even in our communication as friends. It really got me thinking about myself and the way that I show up for the people in my life. So the first one in his book is words of affirmation. That's when you primarily use words to express your love and affirm the other person. And for a lot of us, OK, AJ, Johnny, that makes sense. Who wouldn't use their words? Yes. But this is one of five languages. And we all rate those languages in order of importance differently. For some of us, it is the words. I love you. I trust you. You're my best friend that we need to hear to validate to allow us to feel valued by the other person. I can say that after I had taken the Gary Chapman's quiz, this is this is tied at number one. And I will point out my other one as well. I certainly know how much encouraging, supportive, affirmative and anything that builds me up. It's a fact. In fact, it's because it's the way I like to be treated. I tend to use that as my language to others first and foremost as well. Puppers and I are nodding our heads in agreement here with you. And for me, this is not as big of one. You know, growing up, my family and I ended every conversation with I love you. And it's a meaningful phrase. Don't get me wrong. But when you're using it in greetings and everything, it wasn't as important to me to hear that from partners, from friends. Now, the second love language, this one happens to be high on my list and it's tied for number one. And this is acts of service. I can agree with that. People that speak this love language will use actions to show their love and affection. That might be cooking dinner, doing the grocery shopping or even taking out the trash, pitching it on a project, helping you with some slides, practicing a job interview, showing up for your best friend with a meal when they're sick. These acts of service, supporting someone through actions are another way that we give our partners, our friends, our coworkers value. And I just want to say as we're going through these and I don't know if it's I just want to make sure it's stated that none of these rank higher than the other and accept to you because certain ones speak louder and you need more. And for the other people, it will be it'll be a different one. And what's great about this is, well, you know what, let's talk about it. Because, you know, this this has been a big one for me and I've actually had arguments in relationship for those of you who've been in relationships with me or are currently in relationships with me. You were probably nodding your head in the car listening that I love saying actions speak louder than words. I say that incessantly with people that I'm in relationships with. I'm saying look at my behaviors. I may not always communicate effectively verbally, but look at my actions because that's where I am affirming you. That is where I am showing you love and trust. And this has has frustrated my significant others, my friends as to why I am not so big on words of affirmation. Yeah. And a lot of times I've realized that in relationships, I've struggled. Their love language has been around words of affirmation. So acts of service for me came third. And so I'm able to recognize it. I'm able to see in others. And when acts of service are done for me, I am very appreciative and they're acknowledged. Now, where did this come from? Right? We're talking about this being imprinted in our childhood. I remember distinctly my dad being over the moon, happy with me when I just did things around the house without him having to ask for it. Knowing that he's working hard, blue collar guy, oftentimes coming home from work exhausted and understanding that the most important thing in his life was to come home to a clean, tidy house. Now, were you given words of affirmation and allowed you to feel good because of those acts of service? As I said, words of affirmation were used constantly. So it just lost value to me. I did not. Like I remember I've had arguments with ex-girlfriends that I would say I love you too fast. And I was always perplexed. Yeah. Because it was just something that my family and I use and continue to use. And every phone call with it that to me, yes, I love you. I'm saying I love you. And for some people, those words are so powerful and they have to happen at a certain point in the relationship that it led to fights, arguments, frustrations with me. How could you say you love me? We haven't even been together that long. This is just something my family and I use so much that it almost lost a little bit of meaning. Gotcha. Unfortunately, acts of service had a lot of meaning in our household, making my dad's life easier, being thoughtful and empathetic to his plights and struggles working to support me and my sister. You know, the garbage went out without him having to ask, making sure I tidied up the kitchen after cooking a messy dinner. All these little things to him led to pats on the head, hugs, affection towards me. I can say to go along with that, seeing how for me, words of affirmation were were tied at number one. There was tied with quality time, but we'll get to that in a bit. But my house wasn't wasn't a very expressive household. My my mom would express herself much, but not my dad. My dad found other ways to express himself because he was a musician. He was an artist. So and he was basically usually pissed off from the factory. So and grumbling a lot. And for myself, if I was to express myself, if I, you know, as a child, you're complaining or crying or I would hear things like, listen, if you want to talk like that, talk like that around your mother, right? Like, and so I had learned to want about complaining that I did not to do that. And I would have to find other ways to express myself. And because my dad did it through art and music and things like that. Of course, I had taken to those as well. And not only that, you could say that there's other ways that I express myself through dress, I express myself through music, I express myself. And I'm I tend to be in a very expressive person, regardless. And practically everything I do, I can attest to that. So so of course, right, that one is why mine's up top. So now we have my top one and your top one. So the next one is the one for me was on the bottom. And for me on the top, this is, this is funny. Now, this was the one that when you mentioned it, I, I knew about the access service that was that being for you. I was like, that's, that's AJ now receiving gifts. This is one that I didn't think about because I never think about it. It's the one that annoys me in fact. So when, and because of that, that you brought that up, I was like, I had to go back to our friendship. I was like, totally makes sense. So why don't you go ahead and set it up? Receiving gifts, receiving gifts that doesn't have to be a sports car, a watch, a luxury cruise. In fact, it doesn't even have to cost any money at all. Yeah, which, you know, obviously gifts is a connotation of, oh, you're spending money. Yeah, it's it's that people are speaking this language when they receive a gift, even if that gift is just a run through the park or a hike or an experience together. The gift doesn't have to have a monetary value, but it's the thoughtfulness behind that expression. And again, for me growing up, me and my sister, it was little gifts for my dad, little things, tokens of gratitude, appreciation, whether it was, Hey, I thought of you at the grocery store and I picked up your favorite snack, or whether it was, Hey, I got you a Detroit Tigers baseball cap from the bar, even freebies, right? Things that are like, Oh, a schedule from the post office for the Tigers upcoming season. These little gifts for me were signs from my dad that he's thinking about me, he loves me and cares about me. So of course, going into relationships, you know, and I've had this issue with friends where I'll give a birthday gift, right? Bottle of booze, a little gift here, a little gift there. And my birthday comes around and nothing. And I'm like, what in the hell, man? And I've realized now that again, it's not just about my wants and needs and my communication style. It's understanding. Well, obviously, you're going to always think about the one that you need the most, right? That's what comes naturally. Yeah. So for me, this is a big one. Now, for you, we laughed about this in the prep. Yeah, this is, this causes grief. So this was, yeah, because so because it was the last one on my list, it got so if you guys don't know what your your love language is, you should take the quiz. You can find it on. We'll link it up in the show notes. Check it out. The other charm. So this one, I had, I had, I got a one on it and I was laughing. So, and you know, I'm, I'm somewhat of a minimalist, like I only have like the necessary things, you know, people who've been in my apartment are like, you should put something on that wall. Like, and I'm like, why? Like, it just doesn't ring with me. And I know that, and I have certainly dated girls who gift giving was their thing. And to me, it was an, an, an annoyance. I was like, why are you giving? Like I could, I understood the thought behind it. But, but for me, I was like, why would you do that? I just couldn't figure it out. And then now you're giving me this. So I'm just going to lose it. Great. Like, and so it just, it never held much to me other than, okay, I know that you put some thought into that and you were thinking of me, but you don't have to do that. And getting the gift was, as I said, it was this annoyance thing. And I would just put it there and like, okay, I put it on my shelf. Is that what you wanted me to do with it? Like, not even like, you know, I was, it was so bizarre to me. And then of course, the, the idea is because of the annoyance that it gives me, you can imagine things like Christmas for me, where I'm just like, you got to be kidding me. And this is the gift giving holiday. And I still can't get behind it because I'm like, this whole thing is annoying. And it has, of course, the, the, the thoughts and the appreciation behind it is there. It just doesn't, it doesn't vibe. It doesn't vibe as much with you. And that's why we wanted to delve into this. And listen, you bring gifts back, traveling for coworkers, you have little gifts for your friend for their birthday. Again, we were talking about relationships that matter in our life, the people that we're trying to connect on a deeper level with. And for some of them, these little tokens of the shot glass from Tulum and the little recipe book from Europe matters a lot to people if this is their love language. Now, number four, I know is huge for Amy. Yeah, this is quality time. Yeah, I like quality time. Now, what people value more than gifts, words or actions is just plain spending some dedicated quality time with the other person, phone on silent airplane, present, engaged, only focusing on the time spent with that person. And I was hanging out with my buddy Till yesterday and we had a great time. We had quality time together. We're looking at our phones, any of that stuff. And at the end of it, he was like, we can do this more. And I'm like, I see now. So as we're going through this, I want you as a listener to think about the people in your life, your really good friends, your significant other, your parents, your family and your coworkers and how are they expressing these things? How are they receiving your communication in these ways? I think this is also something to just play. Well, obviously this plays into EQ and for some of us, we can easily read these from other people. You see how they're interacting with you and you reciprocate in the same manner because obviously if they're going through the efforts in that manner, that's in the manner in which they want to be treated, treat others how you want to be treated. And however, we're losing these EQ skills to sticking our face into a screen all day. And also, I noticed that quality time was high on mine and I totally understood. My question is, I wonder how the quality time rise so high and is it due to the fact that that is becoming rare and rare as we move forward with all the technology that's happening? I think absolutely everyone is struggling with this, being fully present. We've talked on the show about playing a game where you turn your phone on silent, put it in the middle of the table, first one to grab it, has to buy dinner or drinks. People are aware of this now and I think quality time to your point is becoming more and more valuable as a way of expressing. And we're going to talk next week again even more about the non-romantic relationships. So AJ, obviously you've been in a relationship for quite some time now, but I know that there is some other times when you're having some business meetings and stuff, but I don't know if you're looking at quality time the way I am, certainly for somebody who's still out there dating. If I go on a date and they pull out their phone in the middle of the date, that is so rude right now. And that's how I know that quality time is going up and how I'm viewing it. We had this date planned and now we're hanging out and you just picked up your phone and looked at it in the middle of this. Same in business meetings. I remember you having to wear sunglasses because you're getting frustrated with some members on the team who in the middle of meetings are answering emails, hopping on slack and totally engrossed in something else. Yeah. And it's like, hey, we're having a meeting here. This is quality time for us to get done what we need to get done. And let's be honest. You're not there if you're answering email. If you're texting your friend back and having a giggle in the middle of the meeting, you are not physically present. And you may think that you're being responsible by showing up. But showing up is half of it. Mentally and emotionally being present is just as important as being physically present back in the day when I was doing a job that I hated. Like, you know, as a kid, 21 years old, I was I was doing construction, building, framing houses with 12, 12 picture. It was a job that I had no business being. I had no idea what I was doing there. And my job at the time, at least what I thought it was, was to get from whistle to whistle without getting yelled at. The actual job was to build houses, but I didn't know how to build a house. So the job to me was getting from whistle to whistle without getting yelled at. And I remember thinking, and because I was 21, I just moved into a new town. This was in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. I'd go out partying. It was a college town, plenty of girls. And I'd show up to work the next day, completely hung over, possibly even still drunk and you know, endangering everyone's lives. And I'm like, I'm responsible. See, I'm at work. I'm here. There's nothing responsible about that at all. I'm just I'm thinking about the listeners who are living in the houses that you built right now, looking up and then going, what yeah, just happened. Well, there was a there was a the saying that we would use if it kind of looked kind of funky was, I can't see it from my house. Have you own real estate in North Carolina? I feel a little trouble. Hillary governor's club. Now, the fifth love language is physical touch. Yes, we know the importance that touch builds trust. Fires oxytocin allows us to feel intimate with one another. And of course, we want it to be appropriate to the situation. But this is an important love language for some for me. Honestly, I don't like massages. I'm not a big fan. I don't like public displays of affection. Sorry, Amy, and all of my exes. Was this was this on the scale? Was this at the bottom one for you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, big time. So mine, mine was, as I said, was receiving gifts. This was fourth. You know, I don't get me wrong. I love intimacy in the bedroom and at home. But I'm not a touchy person. If you were to gift me a massage, I would be torn because the gift I'm like my love language touch me. No, no strangers touch me. Leave me alone. Yeah, you know, it's so funny. I could. So I had to go to that experiment. What if I got the massage so comparatively is the massage or a picture? Right? I would want the I don't need her of them. I'm like, I'm still they're both kind of annoying, but I would the picture. I'm like, that's going to sit on the counter for forever. Now, why is this important? Obviously, we're guessing as you listen, you probably recognize one or two of these things that really matter to you more than the others. And according to Chapman, everyone has a primary and a secondary love language. But while it's helpful to know your own preference, it's even more important to know the preference of your partner, your friend, your coworker, so you can communicate more effectively that value, that appreciation that we're talking about. Yeah, you know, once again, we talk about adding value, giving people attention, approval and acceptance to add value to the world around us. And now you have five different ways to receive and deliver that value. And what's great about this is playing the game of what is everyone's language around me and then feeding them exactly what they want and watching what happens after a week, after two weeks, emotional intelligence and the charm that we've been talking about the last 12 years. Now, we've covered some romantic examples next week. We're going to dive into the nonromantic relationships even further. But let's talk about how to do this. And this is all about open conversations. When you are trying to discern what your friend, partners, coworkers, love language is we got to be open and vulnerable with each other. So how do we do that? And we know with friends and coworkers, it's not so easy, but it's worth it because when you're not having effective communication around trust, value, appreciation of the other person, well, we can see the communication breakdowns leading to some problems. Well, as as Gary Chapman, he talks about that each of us have a an emotional tank. And that tank needs to be filled with love. And if we are not, if our tank is on empty, we're going to look elsewhere in order to get that filled because as we talked about in many other episodes here, when that is filled, you feel connected, you feel wanted, you feel appreciated, you feel safe. When you when that is empty, you don't feel safe, you feel scared. And and of course, at that point, you're not going to be filled, you're not going to feel very good about yourself and where you are and the people around you. Now, before we get into open conversations, let's talk about some simple ways that we can start paying closer attention to these behaviors. The easiest way is to look for how people around you behave when you've done something amazing that you're proud of. Are they touching you? Are they giving you a gift? Are they celebrating you with words of affirmation? These are the little signals that we need to be paying closer attention to and as we've obviously covered before, Dr. Gottman's research around emotional bids, understanding people's ways and methods for trying to connect with us. For those of you haven't been listening, you know it's important for us to examine the science behind the concepts we teach. That is what this show is all about. And Chapman's love languages are clearly written outside of the realm of scientific literature. So we did some research about their scientific validity and we found an interesting paper by Nicole Egbert and Denise Polk that was published in 2006. They write, all of the claims bear a striking resemblance to literature about relational maintenance. Relational maintenance refers to behaviors enacted to preserve desired relational features. The use of these behaviors has been connected with equity, love, satisfaction and commitment. As I was saying, trust, right? Several typologies of maintenance behaviors exist. And many of these items parallel what Chapman in 1992 calls love languages. So don't let the woo woo love languages. I know my scientists listening, my analytical guys who are like, and gals, wait, what love language? Come on, AJ, Johnny, I thought you guys are into science. The science is in what we're talking about. These examples, science is buried out are how we equate love, satisfaction and commitment and trust with someone else. Now, Dr. Gottman's concept of emotional bids we've covered. If you haven't listened, go back. Emotional bids episodes will link them up in the show notes as well because they are important. And some of these emotional bids that your partners make will be their primary love language. Now just think about the the efficient and powerful conversation skills that you are going to pick up by listening to those two episodes, including this one and the emotional bids. How many people have written us telling us that their communication had completely changed and how they view communication changed after listening to the emotional bids and now we've just added Gary Chapman's love language. And now we're rocking. Now we're cooking with gas as AJ likes to say. Well, we got to have open conversations. How we express ourself comes down to the crux of what we're talking about here. And we know that we're not here to find ourselves completed by our partner, but it doesn't mean that you aren't important in getting your wants and needs met either. And here comes the scary part. You need to open up and let the other person know as you listen to this and you identified your primary, your secondary love language, sharing it with others so that they can communicate more effectively with you is an important part of this. So a lovely thought experiment. Think about the person you spend a lot of time with your partner, your coworker you share an office with or maybe even your roommate. How much easier would life be if you knew what they want, what they struggle with and what makes them happy? How much easier that make your life? Think about that. Well, you can't force them to do that. But as we've said before, you can lead from the seat you're in. You can lead by example. And the truth is the way we communicate is something that we learn during our upbringing as we shared stories with you about our family, our other relationships and how it's impacted us. And this is not about persuading or manipulating. This is about understanding how to more effectively communicate with the people that matter. How many I see it all the time. Well, we get a lot of questions. How do I get my partner to do this? How do we get my partner to do this? How do I get my coworker to do this? Can't make anyone do anything. And, you know, when I'm reading Gary Chapman's book, he says, love is about requests. It's not about demands. And I love that. It's perfect, right? And how do you make those requests? First and foremost, you do the very things that you want to be seen from other people. You treat people how you want to be treated. That's that's a golden rule. It certainly is. And that's the request. Now, sometimes you got to smack people over the head with your request by saying, hey, right, when you do this, it makes me feel X. I would appreciate if you could do it in this way, which would allow me to feel much better. Right? Now you're making that request. And how are you going to to affirm that request? Well, by using one of the love languages, there's two mindsets we need to focus on here when we're having open conversations to try to connect on these love languages. And the first is your views matter. You're coming to the table and your perspective matters. Some of us dismiss our perspective, especially if we're codependent and we just focus on our partner's perspective and we allow it to beat ourselves up. But listen, your upbringing, your history, your past relationships have conditioned you to behave in certain ways. And these views and your love language matters and sharing them with your partner, your friend, your coworkers can help make communication more impactful, effective and allow you to feel safe, loved, trusted in those relationships. Being able to have open conversations is what's necessary to form a strong connection with someone. And if you don't share what's important, well, you've taken yourself out of that relationship. So that's the first mindset. This this mindset of entitlement, you can allow yourself to be authentic. That's what mastering connections is all about. Now, we're not talking about the millennial entitlement. I know entitlement right now, it's a bad rap. And it's used to to smear millennials. But you are entitled to expressing your views and your love language to your partner, your friend, the people that matter. That's what a relationship's about. Yeah. And if you're if you're scared to because of fear of judgment, well, then perhaps you're with the wrong person. And why? Why would you fear that? Did you attract somebody who's wrong for you? Did you attract them on false pretenses? That's very well, right? If you if you had lied about who you are through your behaviors and and just flat out lying to attract somebody in, well, how are you going to deepen the connection when you have to be honest about what it is that you need and want out of this relationship? And I know that we've gone through over the last 12 years, a lot of advice about becoming someone who's fake, changing yourself, being a chameleon to persuade and manipulate and try to get your way. That's not at all what we're talking about here. We're talking about being open and clear about your views on communication and your love languages. The second mindset is it's not easy and it never gets easy. That's why it's called vulnerability. Yes, being authentic and open in conversations is not your comfort zone. Understand that recognize that and trust the process. Because these conversations involve vulnerability, assertiveness and setting boundaries. All three of those things can be very scary, but they're worth it. And guess what? If you wait until you're just comfortable with all this, well, you're putting the cart before the horse. Yeah, one of the things about vulnerability, and this goes with a lot of Brene Brown's research. If you express yourself, there's two parts of that. One, you being open about whatever emotions or whatever you're trying to express. And the second part is the person who's receiving it. We were just talking about the sender, the message and the receiver. So if you are going to express yourself to 100 people randomly, then you can imagine that a lot of there's going to be people out of that 100 who are not digging what you're putting down. And because of that, you're going to have a gut reaction to that to where may cause you to close up because of the negative feedback that you had gotten from people you don't didn't really care about. Strangers. And if you've done that, and I know as an expressive person, as a child, I had gotten a lot of of pushback because I was just always being very expressive. And because of that, I there had been times where I had found myself quieting up, putting myself in a shell, only to realize later that that now has gotten me in trouble because I'm not able to get the things that I want. I feel that I'm playing second fiddle. I'm now I'm being quiet. And of course, because that's I was not able then because of that to create the life that I wanted for myself. And in order to do that, I had to learn to get comfortable with being vulnerable again. And what I had learned. And this is if you surround yourself by carrying high value people, then the pushback that you get ever that if you do get any is only going to be because they care about you want to make sure that you're thinking things through and you're being safe and you're getting you're being cautious. And that is very supportive and comforting. If you are in a social circle that you feel embarrassed, or that you can't speak up and express yourself, you're around the wrong people, you're around people who don't have your best interests at mind. And I'll be honest, this is something that I've struggled with and I continue to struggle with opening up and being vulnerable. And it's scary for me to and doing the research for the show and thinking about the mindsets and and having an opportunity to reflect on past relationships, like I know that I haven't fully showed up for friends, family and my partners, my significant others because of my upbringing and my lack of vulnerability going into, you know, being in a foster home being separated from my dad at a very young age and separated from my sister and being in an environment where when I expressed my wants and needs was basically told, shut the hell up. This is what you get, right? And a foster experience can be an amazing experience. Oftentimes it's a very difficult experience. And that really imprinted on me. And it's something that I've continued to struggle with. But it's okay. It's okay to struggle with this too. You know, I was talking about this on the podcast interview earlier today, that a lot of times, whether it's listeners or our boot camp participants or our coaching clients, you know, they often look at us as, OK, well, these guys know the science, these guys explain the stuff. They've mastered it. Right. Going back to your point earlier. Yeah. It's a process for me still. Yeah. And I would love to get more vulnerable. And even this episode is a little bit more vulnerable than I've probably been in the last year. And we're still working on it. But I understand the value behind it. And it's important to lead by example, because then that allows the other person in the relationship to get more vulnerable. Yeah. And to to have an understanding about these things is to be able to to work through them. And once again, it comes back to that case that we made earlier about this communication. It's not about mastering it. It's about being open to get better. The mastery is that you're willing to own your issues and to want to work to work better. Next week, we're going to talk about boundaries and asserting yourself. I know we lightly touch on it. We're going to be digging deep into that. Here's our challenge for you this week. Sit down and think about your own primary language of affection or trust. Here are the five love languages that Dr. Chapman found once more. Words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. But that's the first part. Yep. Then we want you to sit down with your significant other, your bestie, your roommate, and ask them about his or hers. Have that open conversation. Be a little vulnerable. Share the podcast. I learned this about myself. I wanted to share it with you. I love to learn more about you, right? Lead by example, open up first, step into that dark room, be vulnerable first and you'll be surprised at what you hear back. Some of the behaviors that you've been encountering might make a lot more sense. Some of the miscommunication and frustration you're feeling now might actually be explained to you by this conversation. Let us know how it goes. We want to hear from you. What is your love language or love languages? Some people have more than one. Some of you listening might have been like, Oh, yeah, it's going to be tough for me to pick my top two. We want to hear it. Email us questions at the art of charm.com hit us up on Instagram at the art of charm. Well, everyone wants to know why we have so much fun living our lives. But when you understand these languages and emotional bids, life is fun. You're able. These are the cheat codes that make everything easy and worth waking up early every day to get after it. I certainly loved it. I'd love doing research for this and I can't wait for next week. It's all about showing up for the people in your life and understanding how to connect in a deeper way. We would love for you to do us a huge favor. Could you head on over to iTunes and rate this podcast? It would mean the world to us. We put in a lot of effort for you. And I hope you're enjoying the show as much as we are. The art of charm podcast is produced by Chris Olin and Michael Harold, engineered by Danny Luber and Bradley Dunham at cast media studios and sunny downtown Hollywood. I'm AJ and I'm Johnny. See you next week. See you guys.