 Hi friends, my name is Fermentis Spider-Eye today. Let's just get into it. I'll be painting a anniversary gift for my boyfriend. It's our three month, I think, coming up tomorrow. And he doesn't know I'm doing this, so I have to get this done by tomorrow because we're going to see the Rockefeller tree or something or the vessel. And I wanna make something good because he made this little thing for me. It's taped right now, but I'll just show it to you. He made that for me, it was very sweet. No one's ever done that for me before, so I wanna pay him back with something good. This week I'll be painting a meme. Hopefully everyone knows, but there's this pop cat. It looks like this. He's been obsessed with the Snapchat filter and won't stop talking about it. So I was like, you know what? Maybe this will get your attention. Should I paint something sentimental, nostalgic, romantic, probably? But you know me, that doesn't happen. And it does happen. I give romantic things, I just paint stupid things instead. And that is what he's dating, so he has to know at some point. I'm also not gonna focus on the painting aspect right now because I'll be sketching for the most part. And I'd rather just talk because I have a lot of stuff to talk about. That's important, I feel like, for everyone to know. So yeah, sit down and buckle up. I have the reference picture in front of me, so that's what I'm looking at, you know why. This is a little bit smaller than the canvas I'm used to. I have no complaints because we all know how long they take. And also just because I know his room is small because he's living in a dorm, so he probably can't even put this anywhere. You're not allowed to screw things in, so he's just gonna put this on the side probably. Don't worry, I'm gonna paint something very enormous and inconvenient for him to hang someday. What do I wanna talk about today? I wanted to talk about just like, how YouTube's been, how I'm feeling. We're talking about our feelings. I know. Yeah, so basically I'm still going through, what do you call it, a rut? Is that a thing? I don't know what that means. Either way, it's not as fun as it should be. And if you've watched me since last year when I moved to college, you'll know why. It's just been like a downward slope, like a negative slope. But y equals negative x graph. And I mean that in terms of like, and here we go, we're gonna talk about the numbers. Let's just preface this. I know this is very selfish and that I'm very lucky to have everything I've been given. Thanks to you guys. But needless to say, it still makes me upset to talk about this. And it makes me upset that it's happening. So I hope this is a safe space for me to vent. And I hope you guys know I'm very thankful for all of you. I would never be taking this for granted. Basically, I've been losing a lot of support in terms of subscribers and views and money because obviously this is how I'm paying for college in my apartment. So it's kind of important. I think I was almost at 660,000 subscribers. And then now I'm about to drop below 650,000. So I've lost like 10,000 in the past three, four months. Do you like this sound? So that's just been going down. And I don't really know why. I have some theories, but it's obviously upsetting to know that like each video you upload, more people unsubscribe because they don't like the content that you post. It's normal for you to lose subscribers each time you post a video because obviously there's people who only watch you for X, Y, Z. Normally it should go back up because your videos get suggested to other people. But if your subscribers who are dedicated don't even watch as long, then YouTube doesn't even bother recommending the video. So then you just consistently lose subscribers, which is what has been happening ever since I moved back to New York. And I'm starting to think that people just don't like the content that is not me in high school. Obviously the art videos made me popular. The Minecraft ones too. And a lot of people request me to do things like the Minecraft lantern, the Minecraft bees. Do all of these things that are related to art. And I would love to do that, but I can't. As much as I like doing it, I do love painting. It helps me be myself, release some stress, think creatively, learn how to paint better. It's time consuming. Like it took two seasons, fall and winter to finish the Minecraft painting because I was in the middle of school and I'm trying to graduate early. I'm currently graduating or at least on set to graduate in my junior year. So three more semesters and I'm done because each year I've been consistently taking 18 credits. And I've also had credits transferred over because I took AP classes in high school. So I think like 16 credits transferred over or something. But I'm thinking like, should I even done that? Should I have even moved here? Like would it have been better for me to just stay at home? Because obviously at home I have the freedom to record whenever I want. I don't have to worry about like being secluded in this tiny room. I don't obviously have roommates and I have to respect them. I can't just push them out whenever I want and be like, I have to record for this amount of time. You can't talk, you can't be in the room. But then when you combine that with like your school schedule and then me trying to maintain a gaming channel, a second channel for skincare, a podcast channel and this channel, it was a lot more than I expected. Needless to say I don't have as much time as I used to. So probably the quality of videos is a little bit worse just because it's here and I can't afford a studio apartment. But I also was hoping like I could talk about more stuff on my channel, like college stuff and do more other than art. And now I'm paranoid that like people only watched me for art and because I stopped doing it, that people just don't bother watching anything else. And that's when you're defined by one thing on YouTube and I don't want to have to do that. Basically you have to build a dedicated audience and then you can be comfortable to upload anything you want because you know that your audience watches for you, not for just Minecraft paintings. And I thought I had that and I guess I don't. Maybe I do, I don't know. People always say like, oh, we'll watch anything you want but that's like a select minority of people. Like I have to think about the majority of people too if I want this to be like a sustainable career. So lately I've just been streaming more on Twitch. I like gaming, I've always liked it. It's more fun and I'm starting to debate if I even want to do YouTube anymore because like I can't continue doubting myself like this every day. Each time I want to work on a video, I will be up all night just like making sure I get this edit right. Because I think to myself like if I edit more, if I edit longer, if I don't give myself enough sleep maybe people will like this video more because I edited it better. And then it doesn't work. It becomes like the worst video of that month. And then I just feel like, well, what's the point of me even trying? And that's normal. Like people on YouTube always have to doubt themselves because you never know when this just ends for you. But it just depends on how long you can push through before it goes up again, if it goes up again. And it happened to me last year and I went back up but this has been like the longest time that has been happening. Like it's been downhill for the longest and I don't know if I have the energy to keep going. Because it's every day I get less, less motivated to make a video and I don't know. It makes me sad because I love this. This is like the one thing I have. The guys is the one thing I have to be like myself and just to do whatever I want. And if I lose this, I know that I won't be doing anything besides like gaming. And I like editing, but I also don't like knowing that people don't like me as much as they used to. I hope you guys understand what I mean. No YouTuber is always like, I'm always put together. I'm always so confident. I don't care about what anyone thinks. We have to care about what other people think because that's our career. I can't even put together an outfit what makes you think I'm put together in life. That's another thing. I don't even have the motivation to go out unless I'm just hanging with my boyfriend. Other than that, I've been staying home all the time. So I feel like I just wasted like thousands of dollars just coming back here to live in New York when I probably should have just stayed at home taking a gap year and focus on YouTube and then continue my studies. So I'm kind of mad about that because I feel like I could have turned this around. I didn't have to lose so many people just for moving. I don't even know. I don't know what happened. I would love an answer if anyone can give me their honest answer. I don't like not knowing things. I don't like not having control of things in my life but like YouTube is the one thing I can't fully control yet. I continue doing it because I do like it. Lately it's just like, I don't know if I can't. I don't know if it's worth it anymore but I also don't want to lose all the years I spent on this because then I wouldn't have anything after. No one wants me to be at their job. I curse on my channel. I do stupid stuff on my channel. No one's gonna hire that. You know how I know? Because I've applied to like over 50 jobs and got rejected by all of them. This is what I have by the way. So I guess we'll start painting. I have not done this in a while so this is not gonna be amazing but it doesn't have to be I think because it's a meme of a cat. I guess I'm supposed to start on the outside just make it the background. Yeah, I'll do that. I'm gonna need some colors. This one, this one. Okay, I think I got some colors. The original background was boring so I'm just gonna do like a brown background which is probably more boring. I'm also gonna paint on the back of this thing. So if you guys could just tell me like what I should do I would love feedback because I just wanna know what went wrong? Was it me doing sponsorships? Because I know like as much as I don't want to do them I also would like to be able to pay for stuff. So I do them occasionally and it's always brands that I genuinely like and have used in the past. You're not gonna seem to promote wedding rings, trust me. If you only want art videos is it just the fact that I'm here, not back at home? Maybe it's just all of the above. Or people grew up because that's normal. You don't follow someone forever usually. When you grow up your, what is it called? Your interests, they change. So you're bound to like leave some people behind and that's always fine. Like I know that the novelty of me will wear off at some point for everyone. I just didn't know it would wear off now. First brush stroke. It's gonna be messy on purpose. Don't yell at me. We're going for abstract this time. And I'm gonna try to get the black to be like a vignette. Vignette, I don't know how to pronounce it. And thanks for letting me talk about this. I know some people would be like drag through the mud if they even bother talking about this. And I know I'm really lucky to have you guys who understand that's all I need. I just need people to listen to me. You don't have to give me advice. I just need to get this out. I think there's too much green on here. I thought that would be, I thought it would be a hint of green. Nope, did not get that. That's where we're at right now. I'm not gonna do a time lapse because I feel like it, no. I don't want to voice over right now. Also because my vlog camera broke, I just fixed it. The screws came loose. Don't do it, Frederick. Don't do it. Spru-loose. That's what they're calling me. You're gonna get demonetized. I know you guys know it's not like all bad. I'm so thankful for Joey who keeps me sane. And I haven't even talked to him about all this because I said he's gonna worry him. And he knows something's up. They always know. I'm just scared to talk about it because it's like it's a very selfish thing to talk about. If I was just listening to myself and I was just like a stranger, what I would hear is you're upset that you don't get as much money as you used to and that not as many people like you as they used to. So I just don't want to talk about it because it's a stupid thing to talk about. And no one can relate to you unless they're also a YouTuber or something. But I don't have any YouTube friends. I got like two, but then I don't want to bother them. So I just keep it to myself. And that's another thing. On YouTube, I feel most lonely. A platform that is meant to be social, I feel most lonely on. Whereas on Twitch, I can talk to you guys and I feel like I made friendships with gaming friends. And we have a great time on there. So that's why I've been doing it more. And I might even switch only to there. I don't know. So if you guys like gaming streams, just, you know, it's right here. I've been doing it a lot more lately and I kind of want it to be like a new YouTube for me. No one's paying me to do that, by the way. I just, I don't know if I like YouTube as much anymore. I don't know if it's meant for me. I don't know. I don't know what to do. If I stopped doing it, then I would have no former income and that's bad. But I also don't know if I can keep thinking about like video ideas and what to do if it just keeps going down each time. I don't even know how long it's gonna keep going down. I could go back to 500,000, who knows. So I'm just thinking right now like, what could I do? When would I stop if I wanted to stop? Maybe I would just finish all my college stuff and when I graduate, try again. Go back onto here, see what's changed. There's just so much pressure because like as a content creator, you're pushed to be on TikTok, be on Instagram, be on Twitter, be on YouTube, be on Twitter. Do everything. I just don't have the time, more the energy because that's draining and I want to focus on my college stuff. Maybe that's why every YouTuber is known to drop out. Maybe they're smarter to drop out. Maybe I was the dumb one. I don't know. I mean, the education system does suck and I feel like I'm wasting all my money each second because I don't think it's gonna be worth it. But I'm here now, so can't back out. I have this right now. It's very sloppy. I kind of like it. It's kind of cute, don't you think? I can make it a little more smooth. Yeah, I think that's good for now. I'm gonna let that dry. I'll be back. Okay, I'm back. I let this dry. This is what we're working with. I already forgot what I talked about because it was like 30 minutes ago. It's weird because now that I'm doing this, I feel better and I want to keep doing it. I do like making videos but I know if I have too high expectations, I'm just gonna get disappointed when it doesn't do well. But it's like, while I'm doing this right now and in the middle of editing, I always tell myself like, this is gonna be good. Like it's gonna be a great video. They'll love it. And no, they don't. So I don't know how to feel. I don't know if I can stop making videos. I don't know if I'm the type of person to quit yet. There'd be such a waste too. So I'm just gonna see how it goes. I wish I could not care. Just like upload videos no matter what but not in that position. So now I'm going to work on the outer edge. It's basically black. I'm gonna take set brush. I mixed brown and black right here. I think it'll be a good color. Only one way to find out. It also doesn't have to be too neat I think. Or at least I'm not going to make it. No, it needs to be much more darker. So basically black. And now we're gonna outline. I'm gonna try to blend it in. Add some more brown up here. Too much brown. Is it too much? I can't tell. Mmm. Mmm. It's okay. This is supposed to be more rustic so I'm allowed to make mistakes. I'm just gonna do this really quick. Maybe we'll do the ears next. I need some pink. Go on. There we go. I was magenta so I'm gonna add like a dot. Literally one dot. See how that looks. I haven't painted it so long guys. As much as I hated it, I didn't want to do this for a while because it triggered me just from how exhausting it was. Just doing it like this, more messy. It was kind of fun. Hopefully I have more time now that I'm gonna have Christmas break. Um, this is not the shade I want. I need a red. Is there a red there? I don't think there's a red there. I'm gonna look for a red real quick. See, now we're speaking my language. Magenta was a bust. It's okay though. I also totally just put my paintbrush right here and just wiped it off and look, it blended right in. Okay, just a dot. A dot of red. Mix it in. Place it right there. There we go. And then I need to blend this in somehow with acrylic paint. I don't like it. It's not blending the way I want it to. All right, I think I got the ear. It needs a tiny bit of red in the middle. Like right there. Maybe let's use another brush. Maybe I should vary it up. Okay, yeah, maybe. Let's see if I can take just a little bit of white. Mix it with tan. I just put like a little dash there. A little small tuft of white here, right there. I'm gonna use my finger to blend this in. Okay, honestly though, not bad. Um, now I gotta put all the white on. Big brush, white. And it's rubbing off this pink. Okay, some tan down here. Some more white. Mix all of this together. Do something. I should shade in less. Oh, I did not mean to do that. Okay, I just somehow blend this in. Come on, Frederick. It's like a bad tan. Oh, and some more shadow. Too much. Way too much, Frederick. Oh no. Let's backtrack. Place this with some of this. Add some more of this. This white. What is this color? It's too tan. It's like pink. Mix this in. Mmm. Instant regret. Instant regret. Stop it. No, ma'am. Oh, how do I fix that? It's what happens when people get too confident. Okay, maybe we can fix this. Like that part's blended pretty okay. It's got to way more fat than I anticipated. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to fix it, nor do I care too. It will just be a fat cat. Just add more white in the center and then go from there. Maybe some more shadow. Just a tiny bit of shadow. Like here, here, down there. That blended away. Oh my God. Add a little more. I think that's the best we're gonna get. It's okay. Now it's time to work on the face. So it's basically all white. I'm gonna start off right there. Go down this way. Go around the eyes. Oh no, the pencil. Oh no, the graphite is mixing in. Do not, not today. I forgot to do that part. Okay, I'm gonna skip that part. That's okay. That's okay. I'm gonna have to morph the face a little bit. Also going to have to really blend that part in. You don't know how I'm gonna do this part. How, how, how? Where, here, how? How do I make it look like a cat? Just add a little bit. Just a little mix in it. This is easier with oil paint, I know. I'm sorry, I don't have any. Use a very light hand. Very light hand. Gentle. There. For once, I don't care too much about how it's turning out because I'm okay with it. I know it's not gonna be perfect and I know he'll like it no matter what. Cause he has to. Or else I'll kill him. Add a little chin shadow. Too much. A little bit less. Okay, a lot less, please. Please blend in. Oh my God. Stop messing with me. Chin shadow. I'm just gonna add a little bit more shadow on this side of its face. That's not really enough, that's fine. And then switch to a new brush and just go full white here. All right, I'm trying to redo this body part. Add some more texture. Hopefully, sweeping motion. Make it look like some hair. I don't know how does this look. Like that, maybe? Sure. I like how I just did it and now I'm redoing it. For what, Frederick? Maybe I can do some reverse hairs. Reverse hair? Nope, mm-mm. I'll just add more white. You know what I don't miss? The thing is doing to my back. Almost done with this part that I should have been done with 20 minutes ago. All right, I give up. That's the best I'm gonna do. Let's do this ear. That ear, similar color. Start off with some tan. Then we move into the pink and red. A little bit of brown. I said a little. Oh my God. A little bit more black. All right guys, this requires precision and then outline it. Ooh, not with this. Outline with a different one. All these brushes are destroyed. I have to buy new brushes. Come on. I should have washed them. Okay. Now let's redo this part. I don't know how to do it. Honestly, not sure where to start off but I'm just gonna do the ear. I just don't know how to blend that. I don't know how to do that. Mm. Oh my foot's numb. Geez. Stop it. Get it together. Get it together. Ow, my foot. Okay, that's what I have. I'm gonna let it dry. Actually, no, I'm gonna work on the mouth. I mean, it should just be a circle, right? This shouldn't be too hard to do. Just like red when they get a circle. Mm, look at that lipstick. I think that's an appropriate size. Okay, so it gets immediately darker towards the top and then it gets lighter when you do that. But everywhere else is pretty dark. Too dark now. Okay, that's actually good. I like the shading on the bottom. It's gonna make the top extra dark. Yes, there we go. I hope my boyfriend can actually tell what it is. I know he's colorblind, so hopefully he sees the color. Okay, so I wanna make the transition from this to this a little bit better. I messed up a little. No. Oh, how do I cover that up? I'm not covering enough. The paint wins today. There's a tiny mark that's a little bit outside the circle. Mm. That's stupid of me. Why did I just do that? Okay, that's pretty smooth, I think. Pretty good. I'm happy with that. I'm gonna wash my hands because, ew, and I'm gonna wash all the brushes because, ew. I want you guys to know I can't move back because my feet are numb again, so I'm just standing here. Please help. It's the ticklish one. It's not the pins and needles. It's the one when everything is ticklish. Maybe I should have it blend in a little bit. Mm. That's risky. Because I don't know how to do that. What if I just try like just a little bit? This is a little too crisp. Okay, we're getting somewhere. Hold on. Oh, no, we're not getting somewhere. I need to figure out how to get the color that I originally had and just paint around it. Ooh, this is hard. This is not easy. Nope, I can't do that. Lots of back and forth here. There's some shadow. I'm okay with it. Not really, but it's still okay. I messed up this part again, too. My hands are dirty again. Mm. I thought I was almost done. Then I wanted to become perfectionist. When will I learn? Okay, this is too much back and forth. Oh my God, why am I still working on it? Just give it up. I'm gonna try to repair everything I just damaged right here. It's just this part. Boom. Nothing else. Okay, then I'm gonna go back into the black here. Just cover this part up. That's, I'm done. I'm not doing it anymore. What's the last part? Last part, eyes. Hmm. Clean brush dipped in black right here. And then the one right here. I just did my paintbrush. That way and that way. And turned to an eye. The nose is still red, so I'm just gonna mix black with red and some tan, too. Hopefully it turns into a good color. So it looks like this. There we go. And then add more red to it. And then add more black to it. Add more red and add more black. Okay. It just needs to add the eyes. Take back of your paintbrush, dip in white, boom, boom. There she is. Look at her. Okay, for like, not painting for months and doing this in under three hours. Pretty good. I'm impressed. I'm happy. I didn't realize how much I missed painting until now. So yeah, maybe I will do some more of Frederick's Art Camp since you all missed it so much. That's it. Fan art of the week is this. Thank you so much for drawing me. You're incredibly talented. And I'm gonna try to remember to do that from now on because I always keep forgetting. So thank you for your submission. If you want to submit something, just tag me on Instagram or Twitter. And that's all I have for you guys today. So if you enjoyed, give it a like, leave a comment down below, subscribe for more videos every week I post every Saturday or when I can. Follow my Instagram, Twitter, Twitch, my second channel, my gaming channel and my podcast channel. And as always, I love you guys and everything is less than three. It's good to be back. I miss this too. I know you guys did. Frederick's Art Camp is back in business. I have to clean this all up now. Mmm. If only my boyfriend were here to do that.