 Contra 3, The Alien Wars, needs no introduction. It needs no explanation. In fact, it needs no video explaining the hype. But it's one of my favorite games of all time, so here we are. Contra 3 establishes its incredible atmosphere from the first second of the first level. It's similar to Super Metroid in that when the music kicks in, you know shit is on. As usual with most Super NES games, the primary focus was taking an NES classic and turning it all the way up to 11. Only in this case they turned it up to like 21. There are some seriously awesome monsters, machines, and bosses where you wonder what the hell the designers were smoking. Like this wall climbing machine thing, holy shit, or this giant turtle that busts through the wall. If Contra 3 has a flaw, it's that it's way, way too short. Only six levels, come on. They cram 12 into Super Castlevania IV and that's just as good looking as this game. What's the hold up? The top-down levels also aren't nearly as fun, but everyone loves to complain about those. I don't think they're that bad, they're just kinda in the way. Anyway, why am I blathering about Contra 3 when I could be getting drunk and playing it? Let's go! Yeah, that's right, I'm playing Contra 3. I'm gonna actually do a change of pace here and just play the fucking game instead of reviewing it. Let's take a look at the opening montage here where a giant butthole comes from the sky. Pretty much annihilates the entire city by taking chunks of skyscrapers and imposing a giant face over the city. The alien wars begin exclamation point. Stand for revenge! Let's attack aggressively! That's one of my favorite lines ever. I gotta do a quick, yeah, I'm a wussy, I gotta switch to seven lines. Seven guys here, but I'm gonna keep it on normal. Anyway, the line lets attack aggressively. That is one of my favorite lines in any game ever. Cause it's like, what? What just happened? Fuck you! Damn it. Okay, I'm pretty drunk, so the chances of me dying a lot is gonna be pretty significant. Oh shit, alright, I got the hunting, hunter, heat sinking, hunter, heat sinking, whatever the proper name is. Shit, okay, now, alright, we're good here. It's hard to talk and play this game at the same time. Okay, it's, okay, going all the way back to the beginning where that guy said let's attack aggressively. It's like, let's go to the park, let's have a picnic, let's attack aggressively. It's like, the phrasing of that is a little strange. I know it's probably a Japanese thing or something like that, just let's attack aggressively. Now, okay, getting back to the game and what I'm doing here as I'm blathering, yeah, I gotta get this. As I'm blathering and talking and, damn, you can't keep the tank as you go through. Fuck, that sucks. I mean, you get a tank as you go through the first level? I mean, it's like, okay, the whole point of this video is to drunkenly review this game. And when I drink, I ramble like an idiot, I just kind of, I gotta take care of this guy here. Alright, he's gone. But it's like, he gotta take care of this guy. Alright, C is the best weapon in this game. C is by far. I don't know what C stands for. C stands for, uh, Chris? I don't know. I just thought it posed at the top of that pillar there just for a second. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I'm just, the whole point of this video is to just show off. I mean, Contra 3, this is the first level. I'm just gonna keep playing until I die. Like, until I need to continue, basically. So, that's gonna, that means that I could keep playing until I beat the game. Although that's highly unlikely. If this were an easy, then, yeah, I could keep playing until, yeah. Okay, I got C and S. That's the best combination here. Yeah! Here's my badass pose at the top of the pillar. As the flame thing goes up above me, which, nonsensical flame thing, comes up. Okay, check this out, check this out. Oh, shit. It's a giant turtle with a bizarrely exposed heart. Not only that, but he's got some kind of like, hive thing. Oh, shit. No, that was not cool. Okay, that was way too easy. Way too easy. Yeah. Expression on that guy's face. Yeah. All right, we gotta go far away. We gotta go to the far away one. That's, God, I can just plow through this game without even thinking. It's ridiculous. Look at that. Just, especially if you have the C gun, you just fucking shoot shit, and it's all over. Get away from me! God. No! Get, get away from me. A lot of people have problems with this. Yeah. God, it's hard to talk and play this. Okay, a lot of people have problems with this, with the top down level. I think it just doesn't matter. Like, they're, hey, I got a free guy. Cool. All right, that's good. Anyway, yeah, it's, I am really hammered, and it's really hard to understand why. I mean, especially if you have the, like, spread gun, or flame gun, or laser. It's really easy to plow through these levels if you have the right weapons. And this level is very generous when it comes to certain weapons. So it's like, what's the big deal? There you go. I've got the fucking flamethrower. So what's the problem? All right, let's take out this big fucking, oh shit. Okay, oh shit. Okay, this is hard, because he's going to start spinning around. All right, I got the big gun. All right, I got the spread gun still. It's all good. I got to just adjust to his bullshit. All right, there we go. Whoa, damn it. I got nothing. I got the shitty machine gun. Nothing left. All right, there we go. We got the flamethrower. Fuck yourself, you stupid spider. Yeah! Taking it to the streets. Sorry, Michael McDonald. Look at this. Look how absurd this looks. The guy on the left is like, my back hurts. Just flipping right through this. All right, this is probably my favorite level in this game. In fact, this might be my favorite level in any game ever. Take that. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. And fuck you. And fuck you. What? You got enough another... Oh, come on. What a crack of shit. Yeah, see, this game does that sometimes. These like phantom bullets that come out of nowhere. Anyway, that's fine. The third level in Contra 3, the Alien Wars, is still absolutely just fantastic. And since now I don't have the flamethrower, this little mini-boss guy is going to take fucking forever. Forever. It's going to take forever and a day to beat. Now, if you have the flamethrower, you can just do that diagonally and just like that. Now, with the regular machine gun, it takes fucking forever and you have to wait for the right spot. And I'm just going to have a drink. Just die already, please. There we go. Now he has a spaz attack. This part is very tricky. And I'm going to die. I'm going to die. God damn it. I always die at that part. Always. Now check this out. Check this out. Wait for it. Wait for it. Oh shit. Oh god. It's the wall climbing bastard boss, mini-boss. Now, oh my god. This still, this thing still fucks with my head. Let me just look at this thing. Look at it. Like this thing blew my 10-year-old mind. It still blows my mind of this day. It's just, this thing flies out of nowhere, climbs up the wall with you, shoots missiles at you. I just love this. I love this. It's just such a trip. And then he, oh my god. It's like, oh shit. Yeah. Sorry. It's just really hard to talk and play this at the same time and drink and have the hiccups. Don't kill me, please. I think you're really cool. Please don't kill me. Don't kill me. Oh, kill me. Got it. I got the hiccups and I'm trying not to die. There we go. Here's the thing. I have the ultimate respect for the wall climber, monster thing, whatever the official name is. I used up my bomb, so I can't use it on those guys. Let's get the laser here. What, what? No. Damn it. All right. Anyway, let's keep going. The wall climber thing, anyway, the wall climber mini-boss thing just ended my mind as a kid. It's one of my favorite moments in any, just killing time here. I like how this level is like a, just a series of mini-bosses. And then there's this part here. I think my hiccups are gone. My hiccups are gone. I'm thankful. Now I can just play the game instead of doing some kind of weird breathing ritual. All right, this part is tricky. Tricky. Son of a bitch. Lose my gun. It's going to be another rip-off. In case you haven't noticed yet, this game is very much a blatant, it very blatantly rips off stuff like predator, terminator, aliens. And that's fine. I'm totally happy with that. Like right here, these are very obviously like giant terminator-looking things. I have one guy left. I need to take care of these guys. I want to at least get... Oh, wow. I've never done that before. All right, cool. That works. It's kind of a cheat, but that's fine. I really just want to show off this next part because it's so awesome. That's so creepy. So creepy. But it's straight out a terminator. Just the end of the first terminator when... Spoiler alert. He gets crushed by some... Damn, my throat. I've been talking too much. Look at this. Oh, shh. So fucking cool. You got to be very patient with this thing and just pick your spots. You just... Get used to his pattern. Get out, fucker. There we go. Just don't get greedy. Just stick to the plan. Ooh. That was my controller, not me. I got a chance. I picked up an extra guy somehow. I didn't even see that. See, sometimes those things follow you around. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Oh, shit. I'm too late. Fuck. One guy left. Come on, you fucker. Just die, die, die. Oh. Well... I think you got to start all the way over at the beginning of the level, and I'm not about to do that. Actually, I think you start in the middle. What do I do? Well, let's just see where you start. I don't remember. Okay, you start at the middle, but I'm still done playing because my throat is shot from talking so much.