 From Hollywood the Phil Harris Alice Faye show For your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show written by Ray singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis Walter Tetley Robert North Janine Roos and Whitfield Walter Sharpen his music yours truly Bill Foreman and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris Alice has decided to take the children the Palm Springs for a few days Phil is unable to go so her brother William is driving them down as we look in Alice is saying goodbye to Phil Hate to leave you home all alone Phil. Just think I'm gonna be gone for three whole days. Yeah. Yeah, goodbye Phil you don't sound like you're gonna miss me. Oh honey How can you say that? With you away this house will be an empty shell Every place I look I'll see you the memory of your face and the echo of your voice will linger in every nook and cranny Heaven's sake Philip stop being so corny You're such a square Shake hands with Alice and tell her goodbye. What do you mean shake hands? I'm gonna kiss her goodbye Oh, I wish you wouldn't every time you do that to my poor sister. It makes me sick to my stomach Oh Well, are you sure you're gonna miss me? Oh, what a silly question. Of course I am While you're gone, I won't know how to spend the weekend. I'll be lost Yes, he said he's planning on spending a lost weekend Willie you're being a nasty little man One more crack like that and I shall retaliate you won't dare strike me I'll do worse than that the next time you have an angel food cake in the oven. I'll stomp on the kitchen floor Look, don't worry about me Alice I'm gonna be working over the weekend anyway In fact, I'm having the band over tonight to rehearse some classical numbers classical numbers Yeah, you know stuff like Beethoven's fifth and Schubert's moonshine sonata Well as long as the boys are just coming over here to work and not to play poker all night, okay? Oh, you know, we wouldn't do that. We would come in Alice I assure you that the boys are just coming over to work. Oh, mr. Harris. I got the stuff you ordered for tonight I Stuff carton of ice cubes for fresh steaks to case wrong house get out get away Come back later So you and the boys are gonna work tonight, huh? Yes And what are the cards for car car? Oh the cards? Oh, yeah, the cards Well, they're card stunts like they have at a football game You see the musicians will hold the cards up in front of them and then it will form a full head of Petrilo With tea oh I see I wish my old lady was that gullible Now feel the card stunts might make sense, but do me a favor explain the ice cubes. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead I'm anxious to hear this one myself We use the ice cubes for sound effects. Oh, I see I don't explain it, but Just happen to be going to rehearse first the waters of the Minnetonka And in order to get the proper effect we have remly breathe on the cubes and when they melt we get a dripping sign That's not bad it ain't good Just one more thing darling. What's in those two cases? Oh Oh, oh the case the one on the left is the case of a clarinet reeds for the woodwind section When the reeds come in bottle, honey, don't be silly. It's the newest thing. It keeps them airtight and fresh Isn't that right mister? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you see what it says on a bottle lady logger reeds The reeds that made Milwaukee famous Yeah, I got a I got a nosy wife It's a beer and I doubt if you can explain that I bet I can bet you can I'll take part of that bet lady This guy is pretty good Yeah, I could explain the bear and I say now. Oh the bear well That's for the woodwind section. They dip their reeds in to soften them up And now tell me what's in the other case? That's something to soften up the brass section Now, are there any other questions? Yeah, what do you want me to do with the six dames? I got in the truck That I didn't order. I know but just for fun. Let's see how you get out of that Will you get out of why don't you and Willie go upstairs and start the packing will you go ahead? I'll answer that door. Hey, hi, Frankie. Hey curly. I'm raffling off at Turkey for Thanksgiving Can I put you down for ten tickets at a dollar a piece? Well, I don't know that's that's a little high for a turkey raffle. Well seeing you're my best friend I'll tell you what I'll sell them to you at half price 50 cents a piece. Okay. Here's the tickets. Here's the money. Thanks Too bad you didn't win What do you mean? I didn't win wait. Let's hold a raffle. Will you? Now when is the winner gonna be picked last night? You're right. I should have known better to get roped on something that you're selling. Who's the guy that ran this raffle? By some strange coincidence, it was me Uh-huh, and who picked a winning number by an even stranger coincidence. I did and who won the turkey More stupid question And you remly, how can you do a thing like that? I didn't do it for me. I did it for you and Alice You've been inviting me over for Thanksgiving dinner every year, so this year. I'm gonna supply the turkey That's very nice of you Frankie, but Alice already bought a turkey for Thanksgiving and we've already got it It's in the freezer. All right, I'll save that one for Christmas. Let me surprise Alice with my turkey I got it out in the car. I'll go get it. All right. All right. Go get it. You need me to help you No, you stay here and sing Frankie You're asking me to say why not I'll be outside won't hear it anyway Let's do choo choo choo choo choo choo to Idaho. Come on. Let's go. Let's do choo choo choo to Idaho Mr. Engineer, let's hear that whistle blow to let him know we're on our way to Idaho Hey there fella Soon we'll be in polka-tella and then Sun Valley Caught into my ram McNally tell the folks back home and shy tell them to do. Goodbye. Let's do choo choo choo choo choo to Idaho What a trip. It's terrific on that Union Pacific what a change from those colored wagon days If those old 49ers had these up-to-date streamliners they commute clear from you to Iowa Hey there fella Here we go through polka-tella and there's Sun Valley Caught into my ram McNally tell the folks back home and shy tell them to do. Goodbye. Let's do choo choo choo choo choo choo to Idaho Well, pardon me folks, but if you ain't observed I'd like to announce that our dinner's served and glancing at the menu I am proud to say the chef is really cooking up a mess today The full course dinner is a work of art and I most highly recommends our All the cart the dining car is open and it's straight ahead The first one there is the first one there now It's the custom here though it ain't the rule that if you hate then you wait in the best of you Willing folks on the count that we aim to please we're the latest in the greatest in facilities I just got word from the engineer the green light is shining and the track is clear We break and never record and I ain't surprised cause she's a mighty locomotive and she's Desolates from east to west from coast to coast the Union Pacific is the full mode So hey there Porter when we pass Nebraska's border get my suit out Blame of shirts and Western boots out if I'm going west today might as well go all the way If the IO let's do choo choo choo to Idaho. Come on. Let's go. Let's do choo choo choo to Idaho Come on. Let's go. Let's do choo choo choo to Idaho Miss I'm always glad to meet a girlfriend of Frankie And where's the Turkish? Don't be a wise guy. This is the turkey. Oh With your girlfriends, it's kind of hard to tell The last one you had looked like a unicorn He did not look like a unicorn just seemed that way because her head came to a point Remly look will you listen to that? We can't keep alive turkey in the house get old Tom out of here Please don't call her old Tom Charmaine happens to be a lady Charmaine French turkey yet She's very sensitive You better apologize to her. Oh by all means I shall I beg your pardon madame Mademoiselle She's not married yet Proposed to her and get her out of my house Look if Alice sees a live turkey in her living room. She'll yell blue murder You can't have to see her We'll hide Charmaine in the closet until after Alice leaves we'll surprise her when she gets back from Palm Springs All right anything come on Frenchie Look Frankie oh listen to that we'd better tie her up and gag her so she won't make any noise now Come on and get in there and help me and close that closet door so nobody over here is a Jew and a lie Willie I guess I'm all packed. Will you ask Phil to help carry the suitcases to the car? Very well Alice. I'll get him If I were Alice, I wouldn't trust Philip home alone He needs a keeper He's nothing but a mid-lady's juvenile delinquent Philip Alice wants you to come out. That's funny. I could have sworn he was here in the living room Somebody's in that closet. I wonder who it is I'll just sneak up and listen Hey, Curly. What should be all right in here? She won't smother will now She'll be all right Now look Charmaine don't make a fuss and we'll let you out as soon as my wife leaves Charmaine he's got a woman in there Charmaine will you please stop squirming like that and leave? Remly she bit me Wild one too I'm going to put a stop to this right now. I'm going upstairs and tell Alice he has a woman in the house Hey, Curly, I think I heard somebody out there sound like Willie old blabbermouth certainly He'll run right up and tell Alice and spoil our surprise. Look, we better hide that turkey in the den now. Come on, Charmaine Alice have I got something to tell you wait till you hear this well calm yourself and tell me what is it? Alice I'm not one to start trouble between you and your husband But it gives me a great deal of pleasure to inform you that Philip is unfaithful Oh, what are you talking about Philip has a French Hussey named Charmaine hidden in the living room closet Oh, will he stop being ridiculous if you don't believe me look in the closet yourself I have no intention of looking in the closet, but sis. This is the opportunity. I've been waiting for for nine years This is our chance to divorce the old cotton ball Stop trying to come between Phil and me with your wild stories. I'm going downstairs and say goodbye to Phil Do me a favor Alice and look in that closet. I will not Trust Phil implicitly some wives would be suspicious, but I'm not that kind I'd no more think of snooping. Oh, there you are Alice. Hi, you already go. Yes, sir I just came in to say goodbye. Well so long, honey Have a nice time. Remly. Let go Take care of yourself dear. Goodbye. Bye. Bye now. I happen to walk into this closet The natural mistake you've only been living here nine years Now should you know where the front door is? Yes, oh, hi Alice the door ain't behind the curtains either Oh, I'm a little confused. Well, well so long curly what's she doing under the couch? Kissing her mother goodbye Hey Alice, what are you looking under that couch for? Oh, oh, is this the couch? I guess I'm getting nearsighted. Well, bye Bye. Bye. Yeah. Goodbye. Hey, she finally found the door. Yeah, this kid knows What now what can this all right come in come in? My name is Homer fine-shrieber and I just flew all the way out here from out to the Pennsylvania I run a pool room back there. I'm a nice guy mind my own business I remember the Chamber of Commerce for the last few days My wife has been driving me crazy. She's hysterical. I can't just lay there in bed and screams at me I'm gonna get up and cook my meals. She won't iron my shirt I've got my other morning. She leaned down and kicked my youngest son Wilbur. Well, that's going It's all out of county you well, I can't I really don't know me I have no right to come breaking into your beautiful home like this But you've got to tell me something so I can go back and tell my wife Mr. Harris busy man. I don't know what I did look go back and tell your wife that the thing is Mr. Harris I'm sorry. I I didn't realize your wife was rehearsing her song Hey, live turkeys people breaking in from maltona. What are you trying to do to me? I can't stand all this trouble Why don't you take that turkey yours and give it to somebody else after all? I told you we got a turkey in the freezer. Yeah, but I'll bet the turkey Alice one ain't as good as mine It looks pretty good to me. I know about turkeys I'll look in the freezer and if that bird isn't as good as mine We'll keep charm ain't it get rid of yours. All right. Go ahead and look at it All this darn fuss over a turkey. I just as I thought I do I'd catch you with a That'd have been a lot bigger laugh you'd have waited for the door to open As long as you're here what now? If I go dear There's something I want to say. Well say it will you what are you waiting for? For the band to pick up their instruments Bye bye, baby Remember you're my baby When they give you I will write and declare Amazing how much she sounds like a quartet at the time Goodbye. Bye They certainly were anxious to get rid of me. I wonder if he does have a woman No, I know he hasn't but just to make sure I'll sneak back and listen I'll make believe I'm going out the front door Now to tiptoe back and see just what's going on I thought that wife of yours would never leave curling. Yeah, you think she suspects anything? No Yeah How could she possibly know anything about Charmaine? He does have a woman in the house. Well, Frankie look after comparing the two. What do you think? Should I keep Charmaine naturally? There's no comparison between Charmaine and that old hen you got I'm only 29 and a half Besides Charmaine is nice and plump The old hen I got's pretty fat too I Put on a half a pound and right away. I'm a tub Look Frankie, uh, maybe I ought to keep the one I got. Oh, don't be ridiculous. Charmaine is young that one you've got has seen better day True Besides I pinched them both and Charmaine has a lot more meat on it I don't know about Charmaine, but he's never laid a hand on me. All right, remley. Look, I'll keep Charmaine I gotta admit. Uh, she looks a lot more tender if Charmaine had two children. She wouldn't be so tender either Hey, uh, wait a minute Frankie if I do keep Charmaine, what am I going to do with my old turkey? Wait a second charity Give it to the musician's union Musicians union. Do you think they'd take her? They'll take anything That does it calling me a turkey if he wants to get rid of me He can go upstairs and pack the rest of my things and leave him for good. I'll show him. He can't When was the easiest crying brought another woman named Charmaine into the house another woman I miss fail. Let's no I don't I don't Having a night I want to I heard Frankie and mr. Harris talking about her and I'm leaving now Wait a minute. I wish you should take a lot of time to think this over. Well, maybe I heard him planning to get rid of me Rid him his face. Is he gonna divorce her or just throw her out in the street? Uh-oh here he comes I'm just stuck behind here and maybe I can overhear his plans Well curly as long as you decided to keep Charmaine and get rid of the other hand. Let's make plans Yeah, I don't want to run around the house alive When is Alice coming back to Palm Springs? Wednesday night. Good. I'll bring the axe over Wednesday morning I Frankie, huh? I can't use a max owner That's too cruel. Well, I'm glad to see he has some decent Let's tie her to a steak and fill her full of buckshot Oh, I hope they at least blindfolded her Curly, I don't like the buckshot idea. Why not some of the pellets might get in our teeth when we eat her Oh, yes, what are you doing in here? What are you talking about killing Miss Faye? We're gonna kill Charmaine So we can have her for Thanksgiving dinner Don't be quiet. Were you kid? Hey curly, I got an idea when we bring Charmaine in for dinner Thursday I think Alice would like it if we dressed her first. Look remley. That's gonna be too much trouble Now let's bring her in undressed The least you can do is put a come on on Oh and Charmaine, that wouldn't look nice her pin feathers that stick out This dame has pin feathers. Oh, Julius. Will you stop already? What dame? Charmaine is a turkey A likely story. We can prove it. She's right here in the den. I'll show you What are you talking about plant plants? What do you mean plant? Miss Faye, I overheard you talking here Leave me. Oh, no, come on Frankie. We got to explain this to Alice. You and that turkey, you're Nuts, this will ruin everything Miss Faye expects to find a French dame. Now when she opens the door, she'll only find a turkey A quick phone call might keep this ugly mess and I'll be messed Alice, will you please believe me for the 10th time? I tell you Charmaine is a turkey Why do I know you're telling me the truth? I'll open the door to the den and you'll see that it's a turkey Now there you are. Alice, this is our turkey. Gobble for my wife Charmaine Our little turkey is grown up into Yum, yum, yum You have a turkey, huh? But honey, when I put her in there, she was a turkey. She must have come out of her cocoon or something I never saw this dame before Aw, Shelly How can you say Zaheta brought you a little Charmaine? You like me, do you not? Look lady, I got no time for that right now How'd you get in here? Who put you in this room? Grab him Frankie. We'll have him for Thanksgiving dinner. Okay, you tear his drumsticks off and I'll stop them Starting today our program has wonderful news. Listen to this the head of hopper show Head is guest tonight or mr. Mrs. Ronald Coleman mario lanza andy divine and arlene doll It's the head of hopper column come to life. Stay tuned for it and best wishes heada from alice and me. Good night everybody. Good night Yes, listen up for the head of hopper show on nbc