 Buses at Santa Barbara's redistribution station, the Lucky Strike program, starring Jack Benny. Fasten your safety belt, batten down your hatch, and keep out of rain, because here he comes, Jack Benny! Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, that was a very unusual introduction. But during the last war, when I was on a ship, it wasn't batten down the hatch. It was batten down the hatch. Batten down the hatch? Yeah, things were so quiet, our admiral was raving rapid. That's the first egg, you hutch it. Anyway, Don, it's wonderful being up here at the Santa Barbara redistribution station, isn't it? God certainly is, Jack. You know what an Army redistribution station is, don't you? Oh, of course, Don, of course. That's where they bring the boys to kind of feel them out to see if they'd like to be civilians again. Now, yesterday, one fella here volunteered to be a civilian, and this morning, he begged to be back in uniform. Found out that a blue-shirt suit picks up everything but girls. Anyway, Don... Now, wait a minute, Jack, you've got the whole thing wrong. A redistribution station is where they send the boys to be reassigned for further duty. Oh, oh, oh. Gee, how can a big star like me, who almost won the Academy Award, be so stupid? Anyway, Don... Come in. Mr. Benny? Yeah? The boys station here at Santa Barbara have asked me to present you with this delayed action bomb. Delayed action bomb? Why give it to me? We've delayed it long enough. The funny way for the Army to treat me just because I used to be in the Navy. Oh, they were only kidding, Jack. In fact, you wouldn't have had a room last night if the Army hadn't controlled the Biltmore Hotel here. You told me yourself, you had a nice room. Oh, the room was all right, but all night long, a sentry with a rifle over his shoulder kept walking up and down outside my door. They wanted me to pay in advance. Why didn't they say so? Anyway, another thing, now, I don't like the idea of having those soldiers act as bellboys. The first time I ever walked into a hotel registered and was carried up to my room on the end of a bayonet. I felt like a pin cushion and I ain't got much cushion. Believe me, the next time... Okay, fellas, you can laugh and relax because Harris is here with him, Dynamite Cracks. Fine, Dynamite Cracks. Philip, you're such an ad-lib comedian. Why didn't you get here at the start of the show? Well, I would have, Jackson, but I was outside talking to a soldier about his post-war plan. His post-war plan? Yeah, so I asked him if she had a friend for me. Ha ha ha! Oh, hell, it's you non-commissioned joy boys. Dynamite Cracks. Well, those are the kind of jokes that would make Fred Allen go up and borrow some blood so he can blush. And you know... What are you talking about, Jackson? I got pollen. Why, I'm the main attraction at my new nightclub. Oh, yes, fella, meant to ask you. How's that new business venture of yours coming along? Yeah, Phil, how's that joint? Look, Jackson, don't call my nightclub a joint. I got a pretty classy lay out there, you know. We got beautiful oil paintings on the wall. We got grapes on the window and soft lights on the ceiling. What do you got on the floor? It used to be a barber shop. A barber shop? Yes, as a matter of fact, the barber's lease isn't up yet, so we're both operating in the same room. What? Well, I'm clipping them on one end, he's clipping them on the other. That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of him. You know, yes, the guy came in for a once-over likely and the barber steamed his face with my bar towels. With your bar towels? Yeah, it's the first time I ever saw a guy stagger home from a shave. Phil, welcome. That's our slogan, Jackson, shaving a hangover two bits. Well, I don't know how you get mixed up with all this. Hello, Jack, how are you fellas? Hello, Mary. Mary, Mary, just stand there. Gee, you look beautiful. No wonder the Fashion Academy voted you the best dress woman in radio. What a lovely outfit you're wearing, what material, what lines, what style. What are those things hanging around your neck? My shoes, my feet hurt. No, well, I don't blame you. Sometimes I feel like doing the same thing, but my shoes never match my suit, you know? What's new, Mary? Oh, not much, Jack. My mother sent you her regards. Oh, did you call her? No, I just got a letter from her. Oh, another letter from your mother, huh? Well, what does your father's top sergeant have to say? It is. My darling daughter, Mary, I would have answered your letter sooner, but Pop and I have been very busy on the farm with our spring planning. We just finished a few days ago and already the field is full of corn. And by the way, how is Jack? I don't get the connection there. Anyway, we are enjoying this beautiful spring weather, and I guess it has affected Papa because yesterday he whistled at a girl. Well, good for Papa. I think he overdid it because we spent the next three hours looking for his teeth. What enthusiasm. Things are sure happening fast these days, and the draft board seems to be in an awful hurry. Last week, your cousin Bobby went down to take his physical, and today he just returned from New Guinea on a furlough. Boy, that is fast, isn't it? And oh, yes, Mary, I have some exciting news for you. Last Thursday, our whole gang went out for a drive, and your sister, Babe, and the boy she's engaged to are riding in the rumble seat. We hit a bump from the rumble seat and snapped shut. My goodness. We worked for hours, and we couldn't get it open. So we called the minister, and he married him through the keyhole. Imagine that, huh? Wasn't Bobby blew rice at him through a straw? Oh, boy, what a family. No other news, all my love, Mama. That's very cute, but what's that P.S., Mary? Oh, Jack, you wouldn't be interested. I would, too. Let me read it. P.S., I read in the papers, Mary, that you won the title of the best dressed woman in radio. How could you possibly do it on what Jack paid you? Your mother hates me because I own the mortgage on her farm. Now, where's Larry? I want to talk. Here I am, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello. I can't. It's about time now to do a song. Okay, but before I do, Mr. Benny, I want to give you a little tip. Tip? What is it? You ought to go to Mr. Harris' nightclub. Wow, what fun! Larry, you went to Phil Harris' nightclub? Sure, and boy, it was night dizzy when I left. Dizzy? Phil, you didn't give this kid anything. Don't get excited, Jackson. We just spun him around in the barber chair and sent him home. Oh, go ahead and sing, kid. I'll have to visit that nightclub the next time I meet him. Song by Larry Stevens. And now, fellas... Hey, Jackson, I've been meaning to ask you, what's the thing you've been holding in your hand all this time? This? Oh, nothing. It's just a delayed action bomb. The boys here presented me with it. The boys here gave you a bomb? Yes, they voted Jack the comedian, most likely to go places. Very funny. There's a man out in the hall he wants to see you. His name is Alan. Alan? Jack, I didn't know Fred Allen was in town. Neither did I. He just wants to get in here so he can louse up my program. Look, Jackson, if Fred Allen is outside, why don't you let him in? The boys here would like to see him. Well, I don't blame him. Put those bags under his eyes. He looks like he's wearing a fatigued skin. Look, but go tell that guy out in the hall to get going or I'll punch him in the nose. I wouldn't want to do that. Well, send him in. I'll punch him in the nose myself. Send him in, will you? Okay. You can come in, sir. Okay, Alan, you ask for it, so... Hey, wait a minute. You're not Fred Allen. No, I'm Alan Ladd. Alan Ladd? The guy in pictures that's supposed to be so tough, huh? What do you mean, supposed to be? Go ahead, Jackson. Punch him in the nose like you said you would. No, no, no. He's shorter than I am, you know? Tell that to stop you. I'll hit you so hard you'll be foolish to bust back. Oh, yeah? Now, wait a minute, tough guy. Who do you think you're talking to, huh? Who do you think you're talking to? Jack Spenny. Gee, everybody knows me. I'm so popular. Just as I thought, Penny. You're a coward. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Listening to $10,000 worth of talent. Never mind, Mary, I'll handle him. Oh, Alan, you think you're pretty quick on the trigger, don't you? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Hold on to your hats, kids. Here we go again. Wait a minute, Phil. I want to settle this thing right now. Look here, Alan. Nobody's sent for you. You butted in here and started this whole thing. What's the idea of it calling me a coward? Because you're yellow. That's a liver condition. How many are four? You play tough guys in the movies, and this is a comedy program. Oh, yeah? Now cut that out. I'm only kidding. I happen to be in town, so I'd rather drop over and say hello. Oh. Oh, you were kidding, though. Well, that's different. I'm glad. Now, I didn't hit you. Now, ladies and gentlemen, in honor of sketch tonight, I will once again play the part of that famous fearless crime-busting master detective, Captain O'Benney. Phil, you'll be my assistant, Mr. O'Harris, and Mary. Yes, sir. You'll be the wife of the murdered man. To be dead yet? Not yet, but he's at the seven seas getting a little stiff. Now, let's see. Who can be the murderer? Hey, I got an idea. Alan Ladd. Say, Alan, the murderer. I've got a great plan for you. How about it? Oh, nothing to it, Jack. I'm kind of tired. I just finished making a picture of a pair of mine called Solly O'Rourke, soon to be released at all the neighborhood theaters, men in a uniform half-pride. And you can best enjoy this picture by sitting in the balcony smoking a lucky strike cigarette. Done. Let him alone. He's talking about my picture. Oh. And you will rave about this picture by a lucky strike because lucky strike means fine tobacco. Done. So round, so firm, so fully packed. Done. Let him alone. He's talking about my picture. Oh. So free and easy on the draw. Thank you, Don. You're welcome, Alan. Imagine coming here just to plug his picture. Now, let's get back to our sketch. And look, Alan, I'm still willing you to give you the part of the murderer if you can handle it. What do you mean if? Well, the murderer in this sketch has got to be a pretty tough guy. Now, I don't know whether you're the right guy for it. Are you kidding? Let me tell you how tough I am. A couple of days ago, I walked up to Humphrey's Bogart. We have any by the call and said, listen, Bogie, Hollywood ain't big enough for both of us to see. What happened? Well, here I am in Santa Barbara. Well, what's that you've got in your hand? Bogart's tie hit me so fast it didn't have time to let go. Well, don't worry about it. He must have other ties. Anyway, Alan, I'm sure you'll be all right for the part. And we'll do this sketch right after Phil Harris plays. There's a phone. I'll take it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny. This is Rochester. I thought you were going to be here at noon. I would have bought for that. What does the matter? Couldn't you start it? No. Rochester, don't tell me you had another accident. Uh-huh. Oh, for heaven's sake. Is my car damaged much? I don't know. What did you hit? Rochester, the first national bank is on Ferdinand. Not anymore. How in the world could you do that? Wait. Did you have a green light? No. Don't tell me the light was red. No, but I'm doing this. Where's my car now? In any particular part you'd like to know about. And after what I paid for it. Oh, yes, yes. I'm sorry. I was so thoughtless. How are you, Rochester? I'm fine. How are you? I'm fine. Now where are you calling from? In a phone booth. What's so surprising about that? How did I get home? Goodbye. Wait by Phil Harris who just opened his eyes. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time on the air we will present our blood-curdling drama filled with mystery, murder and suspense. Entitled, The Woman in the Window or it's a good thing the Venetian was blind. Don't hunch that one, brother. As our scene opens, I, Captain O'Benney and my assistant officer, O'Harris, are prowling around Santa Barbara in a police car. Quiet night, isn't it, O'Harris? Sure is, Captain. There's not a soul on the street. Yeah, but they've been complaining to the people of this town aren't obeying the new midnight curfew. They're not. Now they're acting just the same as they always did. Still going to bed at nine o'clock. No, we ought to... Here is the bedding from O'Benney. Are your blackjacks getting sluggish? They sound dull. Then why not try our product? If you use a bed-steen blackjack, you're sure to get a head. Well, that's right, Captain. Let's get going. Okay. Hacienda de los Caballero, Don Juan Ranchero, Amigo Cafe. What does that mean? That's Spanish. Forget the rum out of your Coca-Cola, fellas. Here comes the M.P. Come on, let's go. Okay, Mon Capitain. This is the place, Captain. All right, you stand guard here. I'll go inside. I mean, I'm here to investigate a murder. Well, come on in, big boy. It took you so long. That will be cozy. Okay. Be careful, Captain. It may be a trap. If this is... If this is a trap, just call me Boobie. Remling there to kill that for me. Now keep your eyes open for clues. Now, young lady, I've got some questions for you. Good, Chiefie. I've got some answers for you. Oh, you have, eh? What's your name? Just call me Cookie. Hmm. Never find anything like this in Grandma's cookie jar. Now, tell me what happened. Well, my husband was murdered. Something was down, dirty, sneak climb in the window and shot him in the back. Now, wait a minute. How could a man reach such a high window? I gave him a boost. I knew he couldn't do it himself. Now, I can solve this case if I could only find a man who came through the window. You don't have to look any further, copper. Cover your hands. What? You had me stick up your hands. Is this a robbery? No, I just wanted to see if you used jerkin's lotion. What do you do, eh? Well, pull away that gun. Now, I have a lot of fun with this gun. Look, I'll show you. Are you Cookie? Come over here and give me a kiss. Me? You hide me, Cookie. Come over here and kiss me or I'll shoot. Okay. Gun for a handsome. Not bad, huh? Hey, like caviar, like Philly Mignon. Philly Mignon, do you think that's something baby I'll show you a real kiss? Here. How was that? One meatball. So, well, listen, sister, I used to be the best. I got it now. You two are partners in this crime. You wanted your husband murdered to get the famous Van Dusen pearls. What's that you're wearing around your neck? My shoes, my feet hurt. Oh, yes, I forgot. Anyway, sister, I'm gonna run you in. Wait a minute, blue eyes. You talk to her like that and I'll punch you right in the nose. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, you are listening to a transcription of an earlier broadcast. And it wasn't good the first time. Cut that out. Come on, you two. I'm taking both of you to jail. Oh, no, you're not. You missed me twice. I was a gun. How do you like that? I ran in the wrong direction. Wait a minute, Captain. Don't lock me up. Don't lock me up, please. Give me another chance. I'll never do it again. No, I won't. I'll go straight for now on it. I tell you, I'm not really bad. I am not, eh? Don't hit me. Don't hit me. Put down that red bean blackjack. All right, this performance doesn't win next year's Academy Award. I'm quit.