 When watching Disney Plus's Cheaper by the Dozen 2022, I kept thinking to myself, man, this seems like a really crappy low-budget TV show movie. And then after 45 minutes, I shut it off and went on IMDb to see who directed it, and turns out, yeah. Gale Learner's never directed a film before, only a bunch of TV shows, so this made sense. And then I took things a little too far. I got in my car without saying anything to my family, drove down the road to a water tower that I climbed. Once at the top, I looked down and thought to myself, this is what did it. This is the film that killed me. Cheaper by the Dozen. A remake of a remake of a reboot of a TV show of, I don't know, it's had a bunch of versions, and I don't know why they keep doing it. But something pulled me back from the brink and said, Adam, no. You need to tell people about this movie and why it sucks. And so that's what I'm gonna do now. Cheaper by the Dozen stars Zach Braff from Scrubs fame and Gabriel Union from Bring it, bring it on. Fame. They're the Baker family. Here's the deal. As I started with the intro, I only made it 45 minutes into this film. So it's very possible they adopted another one, they popped one out. I don't actually know, but as of what I saw, they had 11 kids. They're also both divorcees who combine their special family together, including the exes. They're around all the time. Paul's ex is there watching the kids for free. She's terrible at it too. In fact, this movie's so out of control. There's an early scene where she's on the phone, learning what TikTok is, and the kids roller blade through the house. It's crazy. There's a scene where the boy's like, whoa, and he jumps on the couch. He kind of crashes into it. And I was there like, what? These kids are out of control. I can't wait to see where this goes. Before you get upset with me and point out, Adam, you're being unfair. I want to point out that I like the last Cheaper by the Dozen films, the two of them. They're great. Well, they're not great, but they're good. They're good family flicks. And I celebrate anything Hilary Duff is in. Let's just be honest about it. Those Steve Martin films had genuine heart, some nice laughs. You got to know all the kids really well. They were the focus. While we still had to learn about the parents' baggage and what they were doing and how they were trying to have it all, while still raise this huge family. The new film decides to do the opposite. Instead of focusing on the kids or really even getting to know their names, they're treated as more as background objects. It's so embarrassing. It's mecha cringe. It's cringe on a level you've never seen. It's Giga. Giga cringe. Paul runs a restaurant and it's doing all right until the new love of his life comes around and says, hey, why don't you serve breakfast all day? Which gives him the idea, why don't I infuse breakfast into lunch and dinner menu items? It's a cool idea. I like it. I'm all there for it. And it's very successful for a little while until they realize, hey, we have too many kids. We're not making ends meet. We have to come up with something so that we can have it all. So he decides, I'm going to create a sauce that's both spicy, cool, all the different flavors you would expect when it hits your tongue, depending on what you put it on. We don't see this process happen at all. He just goes to a grocery store in one scene and is like, let's get some ingredients and that's it. He made the perfect sauce then the next day. And then he goes to pitch it to some investors who just green light it, give him a massive amount of funding and he didn't show anything. He doesn't even have a picture of the product. He goes in there wearing his kid's clothing, including a fanny pack and some shoes that keep falling off because he doesn't know how to tie them. And the investors are like, yeah, I like this guy. I like that he's completely unhinged and he must have a crazy family life. Let's definitely cut him a check for a ton of money without seeing a proposal of any kind. No charts, no plan as to how he's going to invest the money and grow the company over time. No, he's just in, we're just in with this guy. Cuz I'm pretty sure he's JD from Scrubs and I like that kid. Basically the next day they move out of their house and they're in this very swanky new upscale place. They're in a community with tons of people yet only three people are in the community pool, which is very odd. It's the middle of the afternoon, there's like three kids swimming. The bakers show up and the girl in the wheelchair, I don't know anybody's name. I'm gonna call her Wheelie because they don't bother to put any time into these characters. She's like, oh, you guys suck and she squirts one of the kids' iPhones with a squirt gun or something. And I'm just thinking, wow, you're trash. I guess we just get, we get carte blanche to be garbage. I guess, I mean, that's what the film's telling me. But this script has a lot to say. As soon as they moved into the neighborhood, a cop shows up in a segue and he tells them to keep it down, to keep the noise levels down after 10 o'clock. And this instantly triggers Gabriel Union's character. She said, hey, would you have said this to anybody else? That's white. It was an eye-opener. It was a learning moment for me and my family who were watching. We just thought, man, we never really thought about things that way. Thank you, Cheaper, by The Dozen 2022 for pointing out the establishment and everything that's wrong with this world. I never, I mean, it's just insane. It's really amazing what they were able to accomplish in this film, really touched me. As the movie progresses on and I continue to question my existence and what it's even for anymore, Paula's having a hard time doing anything. I haven't seen him lift a finger since they moved into the house. I haven't seen him do anything with this company that we spend so much time focusing on. And yet he's still getting offers for more. The agency comes to him and is like, Paul, Booby, we love what's happening with the sauce. We want to expand your family restaurant. And then Gabriel's character, Zoe, is thinking, I don't know, this is about us. We're losing what makes this restaurant special. My prediction, not seeing the end of this film, they rebrand the restaurant he used to have where they start a new one and they're gonna call it Baker's Dozen because it just makes stupid sense. That's the only reason he has to have a restaurant, right? So they can use the pun, Baker's Dozen. If that doesn't happen, screw this movie. And if it does happen, screw this movie anyways because it's horrible. Besides the script, that's not just preaching to people in a hacky way, but not doing anything of actual substance with these characters or even trying, attempting to make a lovable family that feels like something you could believe. It goes further by being such a pathetic production. The film does not look like a film. It looks like a TV show. As I stated at the beginning, I thought it was. The music is stock crap. There's not a single composition in this film. It sounds like it was all taken from like the YouTube free creator tools. The royalty free music they put out that I have to use. That's what's happening in Cheaper by the Dozen. If I'm wrong, fire whoever is in charge of the music over there. If people actually created this from scratch, oh my God. I remember when movies, good and bad, seemed to put a little bit of effort into the production. This doesn't have any of that. Here's an example of a background song. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. And it's just so subdued in the background you barely even notice it's there. So what's the point? And at other times, competent movies will use music to accentuate a joke or a punchline. This film has no background music half the time and we just have actors ripping on each other with no punch. It's just, well, we leave our oranges on the ground cause they're easier to get to. Where's the sting? Where's the hit? Where's the closeup? Where's the punch in shot? The reaction? We get none of it. Poorly directed. The old Cheaper by the Dozen films were fun because the kids were kind of unruly. There was so many of them, it was hard to manage. These kids have it pretty well together. There's not a lot of hijinks that happens. Not a lot of destruction or chaos. It's just really focused on these two leads and it's boring. The last thing I want to point out that's so out of touch with regular common folks is how Hollywood treats what they consider poor people. The bakers start out in a house that's probably over half a million dollars. It's a beautiful home. And yet they act like they're in poverty. Like this is a miserable place because they don't have a walk-in closet. And then they move into a freaking mansion. None of this is relatable. The Steve Martin Cheaper by the Dozen had him out on an old farmhouse. It looked more the part. And they loved the home. They weren't bitching about it because it was old and out of date or far from the city. It was quaint. They liked it. It was charming. But no, now it's, oh, we're in a, we're in like a $650,000 house. We don't have our own private bathrooms. Our kids don't have TVs in every room of the house. Yeah, this is really in touch. I would rant more about this movie, but I didn't make it any further. Everyone who watched it in my family hated it. We wanted it off. I was actually the one that said we need to press a little bit further so I can say more about it. But that was my mistake. Why waste time on this earth watching poorly made garbage that only exists because Disney has the rights to it. And it's an easy thing they can churn out really quick. Clearly no budget or time or craft or effort was put into it. So why should I give them the benefit of the doubt? Why should I be generous and nice when there's so much being produced all the time fighting for our attention? I don't need to give special treatment a freaking cheaper by the dozen 2022. Are you kidding me? Okay, that's the review. Thanks for watching. If you saw this film and disagree and think, man, what an amazing achievement this was. A new generation of cheaper by the dozen. That really speaks to me on a personal level as a kid who's in a wheelchair and is a douchebag to people around him. I respect what they had to say. Like the video if you had a good time. Subscribe if you want to see more honest truth. Sometimes they're a little unpleasant, but that's what we're here for. And hopefully I'll see you next time. If you really want to know how bad this is, I would rather watch that new Home Alone Disney Plus movie again than this. That's the level of cringe and awfulness on display in Cheaper by the Dozen. Movie on. If you like what I'm doing here, maybe think about joining me on Patreon at patreon.com slash adam does movies or you can become a join member right here on YouTube. I'm also on Twitch at twitch.tv slash Adam Olinger playing, I mean pretty much Fortnite these days because that's what the kids are into. And I'm hip and in touch. I'm in touch.