 The Jack Benny program transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means lime tobacco. Richard tasting lime tobacco. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. Friends, this is Don Wilson to tell you that Lucky's win again. That's right, Lucky's win again in a national smoking survey among college students. Last year, a survey was made in leading colleges throughout the country which showed that smokers in those colleges preferred Lucky's to any other cigarette. This year, another nationwide survey was made. A representative survey of all students in regular colleges from coast to coast. Based on thousands of actual student interviews, this survey shows that Lucky's lead again, lead over all other brands, regular or king size, and by a wide margin. The number one reason this year has last. Lucky's better taste. Yes, Lucky's do taste better. First, because they're made of light, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And then, Lucky's are made better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely, smoke evenly. Actually made to taste better. After all, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So be happy, go Lucky. Get better taste with a carton of Lucky's. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Murray Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and yours truly does. Ladies and gentlemen, last Thursday was Thanksgiving, and Jack invited his whole gang over for dinner. But let's go back to the day before Thanksgiving. As we look in on Jack's home, he and Rochester are taking inventory to make sure that they have enough of everything for the big event. They're checking all the items in the pantry. As Rochester calls them off, Jack is writing them down. Two cans of corned beef hash. Two cans of corned beef hash. Three cans of cranberry sauce. Three cans of cranberry sauce. Two bottles of A1 sauce. Two bottles of A1 sauce. Ninety-seven bottles of olives. Nineties... wait a minute, Rochester. Isn't that the same amount of olives that we had last year? Yeah, we don't use any since Bill Harris left the show. Oh yes, Bob Crosby isn't a martini, man. Continue, Rochester. Two bottles of vanilla extract. Two bottles of vanilla extract. One bottle of Lydia Pinkham's. One bottle of Lydia Pinkham's. Twelve slices of white bread. Twelve slices of white bread. Seven slices of whole wheat bread. Oh, say, boss. What is it, Rochester? When we come to the toothpicks, let's just estimate. Okay, for the plain ones, but the colored ones will come. Now let's finish this. Yes, sir, six bottles of ketchup. Six bottles of ketchup. Six bottles of chili sauce. Six bottles of chili sauce. Three cans of Pussin' Boots cat food. Three cans of Pussin' Boots cat food. Boss, why have we got that? I borrowed it from the Coleman's. But we haven't got a cat, why did you borrow it? Well, they were out of butter and I didn't want to leave empty-handed. We'll use it some day. Continue. One sack of Idaho potatoes. One sack of Idaho... Rochester answered the door. I'll finish the inventory. Yes, sir. Hello, Rochester. Oh, hello, Miss Livingston. Welcome to Ralph's Kitchen. Hello, Rochester. Oh, hello, Miss Livingston. Welcome to Ralph's supermarket. Uh, what? Come right in. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Uh, what are you doing up on that stool? I'll be finishing in a minute. I'm just putting some stuff back on the top shelf. Would you please hand me those two jars of caviar? Oh, fine. Fish eggs from a frightened mackerel, and it calls it caviar. Mary, why do you have to come over here? Jack, look out! The stool! The cans are falling! No, no, I'm all right. Fish eggs in your ear, you look like you're going upstream to spawn. Upstream to spawn, upstream to spawn. A man nearly kills himself and you talk about romance. Mary, how come you're answering the phone? You got new claws in your contract? No, Bob. Jack would have answered it, but he can't. He's lying on the floor. Oh, holy smoke, he's getting as bad as my musicians. Oh, it isn't that at all. He fell off a stool. Well, that's what the boys in the band do. Look, Bob, it's kind of hard to explain, but he fell while checking some stuff in the pantry. The pantry? Yeah, he's making sure he's enough of everything for his big Thanksgiving dinner. You're coming, aren't you? Oh, sure. I bought my ticket two weeks ago. That was smart. There's no sense waiting until the last minute when the scalpers get ahold of them. Just a minute, Bob. Let's talk to Jack. Jack, it's Bob Crosby. I'll take it. Hello, Bob. Say, Jack, I wonder if you could give me a couple of extra tickets to next week's broadcast. Well, I might be able to scrape up two. Who are they for? Well, to tell you the truth, they're for Remly, but he was afraid to ask you. Well, he should be after what happened last time. He gave that ticket to his girl. She almost started a riot in the studio. Imagine her walking up and down the aisle doing a thing like that. Oh, but that wasn't her fault, Jack. The band never should have played that. All right, but where did she get the balloon? Where did she get the balloon? Where'd you get the pin? All right, Bob, I'll give you the tickets at rehearsal. Thank you, Jack. Goodbye. Goodbye. Bob always has to call me when I'm busy. All right, Chester. What is it, boss? I knocked over all these cans when I fell off the stool. Will you pick them up while I go on with the inventory? Yes, sir. Mary, will you please help me? I'll call off the items and you write them down. Oh, sure, Jack. Five bottles of vinegar. Three bottles of real lemon juice. Three bottles of real lemon juice. 4,500 cans of minute-made orange juice. 4,500 cans of minute-made orange juice. Wasn't that a wonderful guest spot I did on Bing's program? I had to give 500 cans to my agent, you know. Now, let's keep going, Mary. One leg of lamb. One leg of lamb. Two packages of bacon. Two packages of bacon. One side of beef. Jack, that's me. Oh, Jack, hi, Mary. Hello, Don. Jack, I know you're very busy, but I brought the sportsman quartet with me. They want to run over the commercial for the program. That's nice. And by the way, Don, I hope I didn't forget to invite you and the sportsman to Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, no, you invited us. Jack, I feel awfully popular this year. Popular? Yeah, beside your invitation, I've been invited to Harry Bonzel's house. Dinah Shore's house. And Jimmy Waddington's house for Thanksgiving dinner, too. Which one are you going to? All of them. Well, Don, I'm really kind of busy getting things ready for my dinner. Well, Jack, this commercial won't take very long, and it's in keeping with the Thanksgiving spirit. Oh, well, then let's hear it. All right, take it, fellas. I'm thankful, though, I know it's ending all too soon. Thanks for unforgettable nights I never can replace. And memories that linger like a haunting do. It is better to have loved you dear and lost than never to have loved you. I held the world in sway and ember for a day. And thanks for all those luckies we shared. Each puff, a real delight. Now thanks to you, a lucky is a small kind. It's a fresher, smoother smoke that's made of fine tobacco. To a lucky, you like luckies better taste. And there are no loose ends to ever annoy your friends. So thanks again for putting me wise to smoking paradise. For changing me to LSFT. My thanks, I really thank you. Great, Don, very, very good. Ah, thanks, Jack. Well, guess I better be getting on home. Well, I'll walk to the door with you. Okay. See, Don, I've been wanting to ask you something for a long time. What is it, Jack? Well, even though the sportsmen have been with me five years now, I never did find out how they formed their group. Funny, I've never asked you about that. That's quite an interesting story, Jack. It started up in Las Vegas. Las Vegas? Yeah, two of the boys were singing as a duet in the Flamingo, and two of them were singing as a duet at the Sahara. Uh-huh. And just by chance, they got together and formed a quartet. Well, I'll be Don, two and two. They made four the hard way. Well, so long, Don. See you and the boys Thursday. All right. Well, I better go back and finish the inventory. Say, Mary. Uh, just a minute, Jack. Go ahead, Rochester. 12 cans of crushed pineapple. 12 cans of crushed pineapple. 19 cans of condensed milk. 19 cans of condensed milk. 2,456 cans. Cans? Cans of what? Just cans. Mr. Benny, don't throw nothing away. Certainly not. I paint them and hang them on Christmas trees. Now, Mary, I can finish this up with Rochester, so... Shall I answer it, boss? No, don't bother getting down from the stool. I'll answer it. I had to get this inventory finished before we... Oh, Mr. Benny, I just came over to ask you a few... Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello. Mr. Benny, I've just come over to ask you a few... How do you feel, kid? Fine. Mr. Benny, I've just come over to ask you a few... Close the door. Okay. Now, Dennis, what did you... Dennis, how do you like that? He locked himself out. Oh, well. Come in. Oh, Mr. Benny, I've just come over to ask you if we'll be all right. Dennis, when I told you to close the door, I meant you should come in first. Oh. What did you want to ask me? If I could use your phone, our house is on fire. Dennis, don't be silly. If your house is on fire, why would you come all the way to bed? If your house is on fire, why would you come all the way to Beverly Hills to use the phone? I want the fireman to think I'm a big shot. Dennis, close the door, will you? Just my luck. This time he stayed on the inside. Now, look, kid, I'm busy, so don't bother me with all these silly things you make up. Come on, Mayor, let's finish this inventory. Okay. Oh, is that what you're doing? Yes, yes. I thought you were cleaning house like my mother did the other day. I'm not cleaning house. Boy, did she get rid of a lot of stuff? She threw some old curtains out of the living room, a broken rocking chair out of the bedroom, and she even took the moose head out of the shower. Now, Mary, let's... Dennis... Dennis, she took what out of the shower? The moose head. You're going to ignore that, eh, Mary? I certainly am. My father put it there, but my mother... Wait a minute, Dennis, wait a minute. Hold it a minute. I'll regret asking you this. But why would your father put a moose head in the shower? The other end would look silly. I can understand. Now, Dennis, besides your house being on fire and your father being in a shower with a moose, what else is new? Well, I've been rehearsing my song all week. Would you like to hear it? I'd love to. Anything. Go ahead. Okay. Hold it a minute. Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Mel Blank. Hello, Mel, what is it? Mr. Benny, I've been on your program for 10 years now, I ain't never complained before, but this time I got it. What's the matter? It's about the part you got me playing in Sunday's show. Some part, oh, brother. Now, wait a minute, Mel. Sunday's program is about Thanksgiving, isn't it? Yeah. And what's the most important thing connected with Thanksgiving? A turkey. Well, that's the part you're playing. Well, I don't like it. Always you make me an animal. Why can't I have a talking part and be a human being? Look, Mel, sometimes you make me a rabbit. A rabbit? What's up, guy? Look, Mel. Or a woodpecker? Mel. Look, Mel. Mel, look, I'm busy. Won't you even cast me as an English horse? An English horse? Sorry, just like you have to play the parts that are needed. You may not realize it, Mr. Benny, but I'm pretty important to you. Important? Yeah, if it wasn't for me, you'd never get any place. What are you talking about? I wouldn't get any place. Every time you start that lousy Maxwell, I almost break a blood vessel going, that's all the things I do on a program. Now I want some talking parts. I'm a human being. Now, look, Mel, either you stop this complaining or I'll let you go. You wouldn't fire me. All right. Or, but Sunday you're playing a turkey and that's final. What made you so mad at Mel, Jack? Oh, he's always complaining. I got a half a notion of fire him. You better not. He's too important to the show. Yeah, I guess you're right. Go ahead and sing, Dennis. Like they are. Very good. Now just sit down for a few minutes. I want to finish my inventory. We've got it all listed, boys, and you've got plenty. Good. We won't have to do any shopping, then. How big a turkey did you get? Turkey? I knew I forgot something. You mean you forgot to buy the turkey? Yeah, but there's still plenty of time. Oh, don't wait till the last minute. You ought to go and get one right now. Will you go with me, Mary? Sure, let's go. I'll stay here. Good. Mary, we're having sure having a break in the weather lately. It's such a lovely day, you know? Yes, we usually do have good weather around Thanksgiving. Yeah. Oh, Mary, look over there at those boys playing football. Hey, Joey, cake at the me now. They're nice kids, Mary. They're in my Beverly Hills Beavers club, you know? The bigger one is Stevie Kent. His folks live on the corner. Every time I go for a walk, I stop and talk to him. Hey, Stevie! Throw the ball over here! Huh? Say that. It was a good catch, Mary. How'd you do it? But you could buy me a new girdle for Christmas. I will, I will. Been to a single meeting of the Beavers club since the first of September. I know, Stevie. It's unfortunate that you hold your meetings on Sunday afternoon, because, you see, every Sunday I do a radio program, and every third Sunday I do a television show. Oh. Well, you know you get fine the nickel for every meeting you miss. I know. I've been trying to get my broadcast changed. Well, we'll talk about it later. Come on, Mary, we better get down to the market. These supermarkets are so big, I always get lost in them. Jack, there's the poultry department over there. Oh, yes. Come on, Mary, let's walk over to the counter and we'll... Hello, Mr. Biennial! Mr. Kitzel, what are you doing working in the poultry department? Well, I got a job on account of my uncle. Oh, he owns the market? No, I owe him money. Oh, well, look, Mr. Kitzel, I want to buy a turkey. Are they very expensive? You mean they're that high? Come here a minute. Huh? Step closer. Do you know what turkeys are selling for today? No. Come a little closer. Lean over a little. What? 63 cents a pound. Well, why did you have to bring me over there? I don't want the turkeys to get conceited. Gee, 63 cents a pound. That's a lot of money for turkeys. See, they got to live too. I suppose so. Mary, look at those turkeys lying there, so cold and still. Just think, a few days ago they were happy, carefree and gay. And now they're 63 cents. I mean, now they're dead. Mr. Kitzel, how old were these turkeys when they were killed? About eight months. Hmm. Didn't even have a chance to live. I feel terrible. You'd feel a lot worse if they were 73 cents a pound. I suppose so. But I don't know, Mary, when I see that turkey lying there like that, I can't help but think of its mother. Gee, how lonesome she must be. Don't worry, that's all in right next to him. Say, Jack, while you're getting the turkey, I better shop around and get some things for the stuffing. I think I have everything at home, Mary. Crumbs. Plenty. Stale bread. Two loaves. Oysters. One can. Sage. 39. What? Oh, oh, I thought you said age. Yes, we have everything. Well, Mr. Benny, what's your pleasure if I can be so pleasant? Well, I'd like to get a live turkey about 25 pounds. Live turkeys are over there, down by the end of the counter. Oh, yes, yes. I think I'll take that one on the right. It looks nice and plump. Put on your glasses, that's my wife. Oh, oh, yes, sorry. I wish I could get 63 cents a pound for her. What? Nothing, I'm daydreaming. Now, Mr. Kitzel, what would you suggest? Well, if you want a nice live turkey, how's about this one over here? Say, Jack, this one's nice and plump. Oh, I've seen turkeys look plump, but they were all feathers. I'm going to feel this one myself. Hold still, turkey. You and your cold hands. Well, how much does this turkey weigh? About 160 pounds. I thought so. Why does this turkey weigh so much? He's also an English horse. All right, Mr. Kitzel, we'll take this turkey. Come on, turkey. Come on, I'll take you home. Come on, Mary. Jack, look out. He's running out in the street. The turkey and killed him. I'm sure glad it didn't. Mel Blank is too important to this program. Yeah. Come on, Mary, let's go. Back in just a minute, but first the word is cigarette smokers. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For lucky strike means lime tobacco. Richard tasting lime tobacco. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Friends, if you've ever stopped to single out the one thing that gives you real smoking enjoyment, chances are that taste was your answer. Why, certainly, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. The fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste so much better because first, L-S-M-F-T, Lucky's strike means fine tobacco. And then, too, Lucky's are actually made better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. And because Lucky's do taste better, they'll make wonderful Christmas gifts for your family and friends. So look for the bright and cheerful Lucky Strike Christmas carton, specially created by the famous designer Raymond Lowey. You'll find these Christmas cartons of Lucky's wherever you buy cigarettes. Yes, at Christmas time or any time, a carton of Lucky's is most welcome, for it's always good taste to give and to smoke better tasting Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, for Christmas gifts this year. Well, Rochester, the gang will be over this evening for Thanksgiving dinner. Is everything ready? Yes, sir. And put the turkey in the oven. But boss. Do as I say, put the turkey in the oven. But boss. Rochester, I'm telling you to put the turkey in the oven. Now, wait a minute. This has gone far enough. After all, I'm a human being. Oh, man, you spoiled the whole illusion. Good night, folks. Jack Benny program is written by Sam Perrin, Milk Josephsburg, George Balzer, John Cacaberry, Al Gordon, Al Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Hype for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.