 These videos we've been talking about improving listening in particular Contexts and one of the most important contexts in our lives of course situations in which we would use listening is in relationships So let's talk a little bit about why we listen in relationships or why that's important And then how we can improve those listening skills in the context of relationships So let's start with why do we listen and why should we listen in relationships? Why should that be of importance to us? Well first of all self-disclosure is a Significant aspect of relationships and listening plays an important role in self-disclosure First of all when somebody is disclosing to us and they're providing self-disclosure We want to be sure we're listening to that effectively And and they ought to feel as though they are being listened to that's important If you're gonna share something about yourself with someone else you want to know and have the confidence that they are listening effectively So it's important in that aspect of relationships the first being self-disclosure Secondly conveys value when we when we make a choice to listen to someone rather than pay attention to the TV or listen into The radio or a podcast or whatever when we when we make a specific effort to say I'm going to focus my attention on you Give you my attention and listen effectively that really conveys a sense of value to that person that demonstrates to them Well that we value them more than these other things so listening effectively can be a wonderful way To convey that value and provide that kind of meaning in relationship It's also important just in basic relational maintenance that we get to know that person that we listen to them that we That we give them that attention and provide that meaning to them. It's just an aspect of basic Relational maintenance if we're going to maintain these relationships. We ought to be able to listen well It can be an effective tool in conflict deterrence and resolution So first of all just avoiding conflict in general listening can be important It can help avoid some of those conflict situations divert it before it ever gets started But then when you do find yourselves in conflict Listening effectively can certainly help with the resolution of those situations. So it's important in that regard as well And then we don't overlook just the the importance of listening in Instrumental needs things like what are we having for dinner tonight? Who's picking up the kids? Who's paying the bills? What are we doing with this these choices and that choice these little seemingly small things that make up You know 95% of our communication. It's important that we listen well in those situations and those instrumental needs So that first of all, we don't get big mix-ups and you know kids don't get left at school all night or whatever Things like that, but also just again to show respect to show interest And to make sure we're getting the right food orders and and the dinners on the table and the kids are getting picked up And the cars getting maintained and all those types of things We need to fulfill of those instrumental needs and listening is an important aspect of that Okay, so what can we do to improve then our relational listening? How can we improve our listening context or competence in the context of our relationship? First of all, it starts with acknowledging the importance of saying, okay, listening is important listening is not easy It can be draining it can be a challenge and maybe there are other things I'd rather be doing But this is important. We need to identify listening as an important aspect of all of those parts of our relationship So once we do that we can start to prioritize it a little bit more We can also improve our release our listening skills by removing some of the barriers to concentration of somebody's talking to you Turn off the TV put your phone away You know stop whatever it is you're doing if it's if it's significant and you have the ability to do so Remove that barrier to concentration push other things out of your mind But you know whether it's the physical environment around you or your mental Barriers that are being thrown up there do what you can to remove those things that you can focus Be sure it's the right time in the right place for this conversation You know somebody's in the middle of making dinner in a busy day Maybe this isn't the time to ask them to just drop everything and listen to you Or you know if they're if they're clearly distracted by work or something else It may not be the right time or if there's a crowd around it may not be the right place for that conversation Right time or place so be sure that you're picking the right time and right place to have these conversations And if you're not able to do so then basically say to them look this is you know I want to give you my full attention, but I can't do that right now Can we can we stick a pin in this and talk about it in an hour or two and we're done with with what we have going on here? You know let them know that this is important and you want to give that your attention, but You're not able to write that second. So but make sure that you're addressing things in the right time in the right place See the floor be willing to be quiet for a while be willing to let them speak let them lead The conversation if need be for those periods of time and and just see the floor to them just be willing to listen and not not feel the need to jump in and and correct and and You know those types of things just be willing to sit and listen at times We can paraphrase and we can mirror meaning we can we can summarize we can paraphrase Paraphrase and put things into our own words to repeat them back To ensure understanding and sure that we're following and also as a response that indicates that we're listening shows that we're listening demonstrates that That listening and then we can also mirror we can adopt a particular and Similar posture to that person and non-verbally we can lean in or or you know, whatever it is we're going to do we can we can Paraphrase and then we can mirror that person non-verbally And then we can understand that not everything needs fixed and maybe I'm just talking to myself here But I'm somebody who's a fixer. I like to somebody's telling me about something I assume they're telling me because there's something there that needs corrected needs fixed and I'm gonna fix it Right, but not everything needs to fix. Sometimes people just need to be heard need to be listened to and so We have to get into our mind. We need to separate that the idea of you know, everything has to be fixed And but we need to replace that with the idea that sometimes people may be looking for a solution, but other times they're just looking to be heard So hopefully you've gained some basic, you know Insight into what we can do to improve our listening in these relational relational contexts And and you can put these at work now in your own relationships and your own personal relationships again so Just remembering though that there are particular skills that that listening is an important aspect of Relationships and there are things that we can do to continually improve our listening skills as it relates to those Relationships with people who are important to us