 Hello everybody and welcome back to Matt Smith Plays. This time I'm joined by a special guest. Introduce yourself. Hello. I'm Rory. Oh, you're a bit nervous aren't you? Yeah. It is a scary time. I'm assaying me. Oh, she's over there. Look, she's right there. Oh, there she is with the shortest skirt. Sorry, I shan't look. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, no, I'm allowed to look. Thank you very much. We've played, well, I've played City of the Daleks, Blood of the Sidemen, so this time we've played TARDIS. Maybe we should have played the gunpowder plot, because you're actually in that one. And I think you're wearing the same clothes as you do it. Obviously, I'm thinking ahead. Fuck it, we're doing TARDIS. Let's go. I like the t- I've been in there a couple of times. Oh, I've- Oh, no, what's happened to me? Got upside down. What? Wrong way up, wrong way up! Name one of your holidays that didn't end up in a big, mad disaster. A bit sassy. She is a bit sassy. It's a good point though. Ah, parish! Getting to reference. To what? Well, so both of those were fourth Doctor Storks. I think the writer has a bias. Amy has a bias, between us. No, I don't think that's true. She does. I think she- obviously she chose you. When? In her Amy's- what is it? Oh, oh god, Matt, me and me! Oh, is that the end of the episode then? Yes, rest in peace, me. Oh, thank you for watching, I know. I enjoy playing in the game. It was a lot of fun, but no, no, she doesn't have a bias. Remember in Amy's choice where Amy made her choice? She chose you. But then I saw- she had a camera in her room. Did you? Yeah, yeah, see all sorts of things there. Well, I suppose she's got to make money somehow, kiss a graham. She tried to kiss you and you were a bit like- Oh, you saw that? She wasn't trying to kiss- I'm in my pants. You are in your pants. What the hell are those little things? Oh dear, sperm. Oh my god. Don't try too hard, Doc. She might regenerate in that crap. Oh, you're right. And I certainly don't want to degenerate into this bitch. Yeah, rubbish, rubbish. We're both terrible at charades. Those are terrible. It's charades! Get it right, Amy! I'm going to mine a Doctor Who episode. You've got to tell me which one of these. Are you ready? Ten words. No, no, no, no, no. Three words. Two, the second word. Eleven. Yes, yes, yes, good. And then, uh... Third word. Hour. Live hour! Yes! That's really fantastic as you are. Oh my god. Forget this game, then. Yeah, this game sucks. We're going to play My Wife. Yes, look, I'm your wife. Oh my god. She, uh... You'll be happy to hear I can't upskirt. Not that I was trying to, but... Yeah, you shouldn't be doing that. Look at that. You know what it's time for? What do you think it is? You know what? I think it's me. I think it's me. Actually, that's a very good point. Not quite. What do you think of William Hart now? Do you think he's a good doctor? I think he's a bit old. I think they're better young. I bet you do. Rory always likes them. Okay, so let's see what we have to do. Let's examine. Right, turn back around for a second. This one is the only one glowing, so I think it's this one. All right, take it from here. Roryranicus Ponticus. What's me, what's me, what's me, Nene? I don't know which one to press. That one. Why are they all the same? Oh, it's apparently the TARDIS just wasn't Tom. What do you say? That's why you should get me to fire TARDIS, Doctor. Let's think, so she's wearing that outfit and I'm wearing that jacket, so I assume this is after victory, yes? Yeah. So it's before she's trying to fuck you? Yeah, she did that, didn't she? Yeah. I didn't try and fuck her back. I tried to fuck her front. Tractor beaming attached. Tractor. Go to the fire. Boom, boom. Go past the wits early thing. Left, then your other left through the sub room. Careful not to trip over the sun, lounger. Then you'll see a green door. Don't go in there. Are you getting this? I've got to remember. Yeah. It's going to be, it's going to be... It's going to be what? A jelly baby. What should I do? Darn it. You've done that a lot. Yeah, true. The viewers at home want to see you die. God, you're correct. Give me something. You get to live. Give me something. Is that it? I get to live. Dear, you can be the sheriff. Oh, my God. It's like time called mercy. It is like a time called mercy. That's supposed to be like oil. Like where's the bowl? Oh, yeah. That's shit. There's always... It's the same... Oh, this is rubbish. Whoever made this game was a hack. All right. Here we go. Down here. Let's get the ponchos from Amy's choice. Oh. That's strange. Why am I back there? Here. Is that your Amy Pond impression? No, I'll do a better one. Oh, that's strange. I'm waiting right back here. Oh, you are good at doing your wife. Right. Oh, yeah. Right. Oh, hello. Hello, me. Jump out. Examine. I need to rescue the dog. I need to rescue the dog. Don't be funny. It's hard. It slips into another lip tape. Well, we can't have that. That was very good, by the way. I've practised it. Do you want to hear it? Do you know it? Do you want to hear my clarion impression? Do it. Oh, my God. Oh, that was another collectible. It was in the roundel. Oh, I get it. You take it. You take it. Go on. All right. I think this is going to be... The master. Oh, my God. Okay. What did you get for that? Um, ever, ever... What do I get? Have this. Oh, thank you. Go on. To fix more. Series five, as opposed to the crap one. I genuinely didn't know that was the master. I'm quite proud of myself. Let's see how I just... How it's described. A time lord liked the doctor, correct. But not like the doctor. So he's like the doctor, but he's not like the doctor. He's not like the doctor. He's ready to go for someone. It really is. I fully don't know where we go. I've tried every route. Let's try going up again. It's the only... I'll go up here in a minute. Good idea. Oh, my God. I can talk on the monitor. I already spoke to him. He didn't have any answers. Do it again. On the mechanical console. Oh. On the mechanical console. Why are you calling it a mechanical console? Okay. We've got to point things up. It's just a console. Let's see which one. That one. That one. All right. I was good the last time. You take the control. Watch this, doctor. Because it's too easy for me. Because I know how to control the TARDIS. Are you trying to say I'm stupid? No. I'm just trying to... You're better. You just... You fuck my wife and you fuck off. So, all of them have to be pointing up. Oh. As opposed to what you've just done, which is down. Well, there's no up. There's no up. This is that one, too. Oh, you did it. Well done, Roranicus. I am the sheriff, doctor. You are the sheriff. I am the sheriff. So, now I assume we can go up the stairs. What are these supposed to be, these white things? You put your hand down and you get prizes. Oh, that's a lot of fun. It's a lottery. Yeah, we've made it to the... We're the ticking room more than the drawing room. Can you do any drawing? Do a funny drawing. Do a drawing of your wife. Of my wife? Yeah. There's some pens there. Do some drawings of your wife as we're in the drawing room. Oh, right. Oh, I've just drawn your jacket. Oh, you know what's fun about this room? Oh, don't do that. Don't lick my jacket. I was going to clear it off, mate. Oh, it's very kind of you, but that's not how it works. Who's that fucker over there? That's a good one. He looks like Colin Firth. Who's that? He's holding a sock. Is that supposed to be a timeless doctor? Who is that supposed to be? Right, tell you what. You have another guess. Well, I got it right last time. You got it right last time? I did get it right, and this time I want to get it green for correct. It's next to an ood ball, so I think it's going to be an ood. Not quite. Oh, there's another one. Look, there it is. Oh, can I guess one? Okay, you're of course wrong. Right, so we've had a companion. We've had a master. We've had a jelly baby. A jelly baby. And a doctor. And a doctor. It literally covers all the bases. Pollocks. I'll go for another doctor then. Oh, good idea. I'm going to go for McCoy. McCoy was found in blood of the cyborg. Oh, no, no, no. Would you like another guy? Yes, please. What does that one be found then? I think we found David. Yeah. We found McCoy. Yeah. And we found Hartnell. Yeah. And we found Colin Baker as well. Right. So not those four. McGann. McGann is a good choice. Oh, wait, no shit. McGann was found in blood as well. Oh, Jesus. We found a lot of collectibles because I have a collectible key. Right. A jelly baby. Then just get on with it. Who would have guessed that crap? What? Okay. Friends. He does that one. This was out in series five. That was really helpful. Okay. Let's see. So we've got a scarf. The fourth doctor specifically. Let's see what else we've got. We've got a fact about a gramophone. Apparently it's the eighth doctor's gramophone. I hear him. A gun. A gun. Brrap. What are we doing here? I can't remember. I don't know. I have a doctor. That's the cigarette stuff. I know that actually. Oh, yeah. Time. Is that it? It's just a clock. It's a clock, yes. Oh, what? What's that noise? Oh, dear. Nothing good, I bet. There's no noise. Let's just... It was just... It's the latest screwdriver. Because we found the master. John Sims. Is she gonna pick it up and actually use it? Is she gonna kill someone with it? Best thing is she's not dead for long. Do it again! Oh, dear. She broke my vase of yellow light. Where's the fire going? It's a weird reference, isn't it? Yeah. Why couldn't it be another Sonic? Because they're trying to be really clever. There's more wires. Wow. Rory, you are an artist. I am. That is... You can find me later, doctor. You've written a speech bubble, but she's not saying anything. Is that metatectoral commentary? Yeah. Oh, you can do this. I've never done this before, doctor. I'm a nurse. I'm not an engineer. Oh, well, you're about to learn. I don't know why I've got this to this. It's not mine. Oh, look. Hand cuffs. This is when his wife chained me to a radiator whilst dressed as a sexy police woman. And I'm not talking about the 11th hour. This mouse is really starting to do my head in, doctor. Yeah, it's not great. The doctor is a cop, guys. What was that? Sorry, do you want to come on our adventures? Well, I want to come on adventures, yeah. Oh, I bet you do. You know what I mean? All right, let me shuffle back in. Oh, did it. It was easy. Doctor o'clock. You've done your bit. Well, thank you, guys, for having a watch. Don't forget to like and subscribe. And comment. Comment that Rory's the best and that this guy is just a moron. Yes, do that. So, let's see Rory. Push button. Really? Go on. That's wonderful. You're an actor. I am. And I owe you a new thingy of aftershave. Aftershave. Aftershave. Who breaks the vase thinks it's aftershave? I think your wife's a fucking idiot. Don't talk... That's my wife. Oh, your wife isn't important. We're playing a video game. She is to me! Fuck you, Rory Williams. I made a plastic, and it's fantastic. That have a gun on me packing there. I went to the gym once. Who's gym? Dim the fish. Yeah, that's it. We're playing as me now. So the second eyes stop. You're going to play my wife? I'll play you. Your objective is to find out what is happening. What a very vague, vague thing. It's because it knows I'm vague in the head. You are quite vague. I need to find out what's going on. You can't just go milling about the TARDIS. What do you think it is? A mediocre episode? Something could be going on somewhere else in the TARDIS. It's bigger on the inside. Yeah, you did know that, didn't you? When you came in, you thought you were all big and hard. But you were fucking plastic. I'm certainly hard. What's this face? What's that face? That's not me. Is that me? No. Oh, no. When you punched me, Amy disappeared. Oh, dear. I've killed Amy. Amy's stuck in the future. But time doesn't really exist in the TARDIS. Right? I don't like this. I don't like it. I don't like you. You've got to screw my wife up. I might as well just always have that like brow. You can feed back them from both directions at once. My boots. They're very light. What boots are you going right now? I'm wearing socks. I'm wearing this Mr. Men socks. Well, that's what you want to see. That's content you deserve. Only fat. Field attackion feedback, Luke. Oh, easy peasy. Go on, Rory. Build the attackion. That's a leisure high reference. Oh, is it? Yeah. I don't watch that dog-thieves crap. Oh, he's better than you. That's all I know. Sorry, excuse me. That's what I thought. In fact, I wasn't in the 50th anniversary. It does my head in. He had a triple deadlocked force field. It didn't. It just... Oh, I made that last episode. No, no. The first episode. A little sonic. It's a hit-the-space bath. There's your sonic. Oh. No, it's a bit long, that sonic, isn't it? Look, it's going to do a Jodie Whitaker. Oh, dear. And you don't even name it in the right place, is it? Bloody hell. You know what fun thing you get to do now? Oh, no. Ha-ha! Yes. Oh, no. Oh, this pissing puzzle is truly heinous. Careful. Careful. You broke it. I want to die. Gotta start it again. Doctor, watch this. I'm watching. That was incredible. Thank you, Doctor. Well done. I was doing that on purpose because it's the third time lucky. Of course, I believe you. What the hell is a Contron crystal? It sounds like a load of bollocks. According to this game, it's an emerald from Minecraft. Have you played Minecraft? Have you played any other games, Rory? What do you like to play? Tetris. I like my Atari 5000s. Atari 5000? Yes! Good choice. I was there when it was invented. Oh, yeah. What did you play on it? Um, I played Your Wife and I won. I'm going to stop mentioning Your Wife now. I don't want to get punched because it still hurts. It's because I'm an Auton, mate. You're still an Auton? I thought we fixed that. Oh, no, I decided to get some plastic surgery done. Oh, that's good, and? Yes! Well done, Rory! A book of weeping angels. Did you know, Doctor? Don't tell me. The image of an angel? I can't remember the rest. I can jog your memory. I don't like playing games. Oh, but you're so good at them, he said sarcasticly. Oh, remember when we went to Venice, Doctor? Oh, good times, yes. Where we had that fight. What was I going to mention there? Yeah. Now, do you remember the thing you said about the image of an angel? Yes, that's right, Doctor. I can tell you, the full quote is an image of an angel becomes itself an angel. So... I doomed the show! Ah, perfect advice for keeping track of time. It's a bit big, isn't it? It's very big. Not to brag. Ah, very easy. Oh, it's my scarf. Not my scarf, your scarf. Don't try and steal my stuff, unless you've got one. Apparently Oz could have one, so maybe you can buy it in all good retailers. Yeah, they talk to experience. Do you think we should do this? I think we should. To save the world. To save your wife. Oh, I love my wife. Oh. Ah, it's another one of these. Have fun. If you can't do it, then this is where you're going. The short way. Oh, no. I spent too much time looking after that big box of junk. It is. You made a big finished box set about it. But yes, I went in it. Your wife went in it. It's your turn if you don't get this right. Oh, you have to start again. Ah! It was the wrong way up. Wrong way up! The laser beam's all in this game, and I'm in my pants. I don't mind it really, I don't. But the fact that you're fully erect is really off-putting. Well, you know me, I get turned on by electronic fields and spectrographs and tachyon emissors. Good to know. I like that Amy's tachyon emissors are quite good. And your sterile no more rivers feed. Imagine if I cocked up right now. So I can say anything about him, and he can't retort. Milisk. It isn't to me! Right, noted. No penis talk. Yeah, don't talk about my penis and my wife. And understood. So we need to send it. We need to find a good place to store the tachyon feedback loop. I reckon we've got to send it back to the drawing. You've always been me over, Doctor. I like how they mentioned the 10th planet and episode two of the adventure games. The two main Cybermans. Oh yes, they're very similar in style to each other. Let's see if this holds up. The sudden number counted every Doctor on screen except for eight and nine. Oh, on screen, they did specify. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this still correct? Well done, the adventure games, they future-proofed it. Where's Amy? Where's Amy? No, not yet, unfortunately. Working on it though. I've got a question for you actually. What? You know, River, your daughter. Yeah. Do you, like, do you care about her at all? Not anymore. No? You know when I started not caring? I knew we were putting it just there. Oh, it's a lovely hat you're wearing. I'm playing you, Doctor. It's one of yours, I think. It is. I believe it's Sylvester McCoy's hat. Oh, I like Scottish people. Actually, you know what you are. That's why the teftoks are better than you. You know what you are. I'm going to breeze past that. You know what you are? You're Vincent van Gogh in that hat. It's series five, Vincent and me. Align the two signals on this bloody... Good luck, Doctor. Well done. Good-o. This made me dream. Good-o. I had to dream. Good-o. Stop good-oing me. This is what screwed me over on the last game. I died. Thank God. Already? Oh, you're not very good at this, are you, Doctor? I'm really not. You're going in... You're going in this. Again. No, not again. Not again. I'm going twice. Once in Pandorica Opens and once in the Doctoral Experience. The Doctoral Experience. Oh, so you have been there then, so you'd like to... Amy! I can do that. Amy! Is she back? Is my wharf back? No, I'm recording a voice message. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Oh, you always just sit and watch whenever a pond's in trouble. This is why she likes me better. I didn't say... She does it to me! Stop punching me. It hurts. That's the last time I've found a doctor. There's a lesion in time. There's a lesion in... What's a lesion in time? Give it up for me, Doctor. There's a lesion of the Cybermen. Oh, when I blew them up? Oh, the Cybermen. Yeah, that was very impressive. I did work. Yeah, nice try, Doctor. We did not get enough. All right, you get to keep it. Oh, I've got my watch back. I've got to pull myself together and work out and meet back with the Doctor. You don't say. We need to repair the time, lesion. Do you think you're... That's awful quality. What? Which Doctor of the First War scar? Oh, this is quite cool, isn't it? Well, the first Doctor, technically. Oh, you were there for this. You'll know this. In vampires in Venice... I like the don't-know option. Oh, I don't. I don't know. I like fish. Fish. What was your favourite fish, Doctor? Fish...toes. That's a subversion of expectations. I'm very funny. Who tried to conquer Earth in the Christmas invasion? That was a tenant one. It was The I Don't Know. It was The I Don't Know. Oh, they are terrified. Yeah, I don't know. I ate those ones. We met them once, didn't we? No. Yeah, you go, me. Which story did Cybermen first appear in? Oh. Earth shock. No, I don't think it's the shock of the Earth. Oh, very good. It's The 11th Planet. I was just messing you up. Doctor, get rid of Amy and take me on board. I am the best companion. You know, honestly, I might. It's quite... If you can get them all right, I will consider it for like a minute. Jim Jones. What did the Doctor use? Jack Harkness. I don't think it's another... The don't-know... I don't know. I don't know. I don't... I don't know. Nice thing. That's very good. Magic. What's the name of John Smith? How many bloody questions are there? There's quite a lot. What weapon does Whithersong have in silence in the library? Recorder. I almost pressed that, then. Did you actually? Fuck you. Correct. I'm good at this. Stop saying that. I'm good at this. You are. Sorry. Yes, you are very good at this. What story did the... Oh, grow up, you... Orton prick. No, no, no, no, no, no. Rory Williams. Rory Williams for the win. Yes, go me. Why is she covered in peace? Stop. What? Stop. Stop. In the name of love. Speak. Speak. Who is this? I've got no clue. Who prisoner? There'd be nothing left. It's the Daleks, Doc. Just the Daleks. They're Daleks. They're called Daleks. What colour do you think they are this time? I have a good mind to just leave you in there. Oh, I've always wanted to hate me. Then we'll be at the Tyson gun. Oh, he's died again. Oh, no, he's asleep. Okay. Thank Christ. Oh, he's fine. Sorry, Doctor. He's just boring you. He's keeping you up. But this is the best part. We're about to fly the TARDIS. And it's all you. You've got this. And if you win, I will give you the key to the TARDIS. You will become an official companion. What do I do with the key? You unlock the TARDIS. You get to access the TARDIS. The TARDIS? What's the TARDIS? You get unlimited access to the TARDIS. The shit, Priya. Are they back? For fuck's sake, Rory. Just fly the pissing TARDIS. Appreciate our players. Amy or the Doctor? Well, that's absolutely... Amy, because you're shit. Have a look at that. Well, I saw the Doctor make a new TARDIS. I'm going to call it the makey, upy thingy. That's funny, that is. Is your wife a fucking moron? I think she is. I might divorce her, actually. Do you think I should divorce the Doctor? It's for the best. I'm just staring at you from across. This is me looking at you. Godot! It's like when I saw Donna try and fly the TARDIS. She nearly made a hole in South Wales. South Wales? Well, no one needs one. Oh, you got... I didn't know the TARDIS isn't a Bunsen burner. You can make some hot chocolate with that. I think we just have to pull the Go Lever. What is that? Oh, is it that one there? You know the Go Lever? The Lever for Go. I'm not going to divorce Amy. I'm going to stay at home, drive me car, be a nurse, sod your TARDIS. Oh, you know what? Sod my TARDIS, or sod your wife. I do sod my wife, actually. How do you? Well, someone has to... She likes it like that. Say something that I would get angry with so I can punch you. Your wife? She isn't to me! Oh, there we go. Are you joking? He's just down to launch. To Amy genuinely can't find the TARDIS. Women drivers is what Moffat is saying. He's a sexist. Moffat is a sexist. Oh, like, we didn't know that. We've got 60 seconds to get the TARDIS. 60 seconds? Quick, knock the doors. Uh, okay. I think that's this one. I don't think there's a natural time there, is there? There must be. 60 seconds. Pay attention, Pon. You might need to remember this one date and have to pair up the Atom Accelerator. I know what that one is. That's the sir. Oh, Moffat's stressing out a doctor. You're stressing out? I'm the one who's flying. Why does he need to do this so quickly? I'm spamming it. Uh, I think it... Which one was this? Oh, come on. Oh, no, it's not that one. Okay, Moffat, let me stop. Stop with the bunsening! Ah, I... Ah, I failed. Doctor, you're used to driving your own machine. Apparently, sir. On marks. Get your shit. Do you want to know? 10 seconds. Oh, it is that one. I knew that one. Well done, Doctor. So, Doctor, we'll touch the speed. Oh, fucker. That's all right. I got it this time. One more time. Oh, don't fart, please. Oh, no. All right. So, are you ready? And we're off! 60 seconds. Pay attention, Pon. Yes, yes, yes. You said that. Can you imagine me messing up this many times and saying, pay attention, Pon? It's weird to see that screwdriver in the air console. Yeah, it doesn't really make sense to me, Doctor. Didn't he blast you with that? Did he go... Never made any sense to me. Oh, specials always. One last control before launch the space-time throttle power. Yes! I did it! And we're off! Figures on the buttons. Are we ready to play the game? Who's going to be the lucky one? It's not quite, Doctor. You're not yet. I like this. Perfectly safe. That's perfect, Doctor. Play. Wait, where are we going? Is this like a next-time trade? Here we are. London after the great flood of the 20th century. It's actually a next-time trade. Oh, my God. It's the shadows of the Vastun Arad. I never met them, did I? Ah! Oh! Easy. High five! I say most of it's because of me, but that's alright. Well, that's okay. You're wrong. Oh. But yes, thank you for joining us. I hope you enjoyed. This has been Rory Pond and Matthew Smith. Let's play. Yeah, we played quite a lot. With each other. Wait, no. Hang on. That's a bit hemorrhotic. Congratulations. You were completely a venture. Now why not try one of the other episodes? Why is she looking at me like that? Because she doesn't like you. She likes me. That's how we know. Ah, it's not that. She looks like that. Right in the comments, hashtag Rory is the winner. Don't do that. Don't control the comments. I'm the master. As you know, you know what? Comment who's the best? Matt Smith or Rory Williams? Why is it either the actor or the character? Doctor Who wrote rules. I like that. See you next time. Goodbye.