 J-E-L-L-O! The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston and Phil Harrison is orchestra. The orchestra opens a program with Something Tells Me. This is that restless time of the year when most of us want something new, something different. Well, if you have that urge to discover new things, all you have to do is step into your own kitchen and open a box of Jell-O. Right away you'll think of dozens of delicious new things to eat, Jell-O desserts, Jell-O salads, Jell-O relishes, all with a tempting springtime freshness that's a treat for any tongue. For Jell-O brings you that delicious extra-rich fruit flavor, deeper, truer, more satisfying, a flavor that rivals the juicy ripe goodness of fresh fruit itself. To start you off in your career of new and inspired dishes, you'll find attractive recipes on every package of Jell-O. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. So if you want to discover a brand new repertoire of swell things to eat, stock up with Jell-O tomorrow. Look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O. Something tells me played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who has just become Beverly Hills' latest taxpayer and homeowner, Jack Benny. Hello again. This is Jack Benny coming to you through a second mortgage. And Donna, I'm tickled to death that you brought up the subject of my new home. I've been dying to talk about it. You know, it's the first real thing I've ever owned. Well, how's the place coming along, Jack? Is it almost finished? Well, it's moving along all right now, but at the beginning we had an awful lot of trouble. Oh, is that so? Now, what happened? Well, the first month when they were putting up the wooden framework, the termites were way ahead of the carpenters. Oh, they were hungry little devils, you know. Yes, indeed, those termites are vicious. Why, they'll eat the lumber as soon as you put it up. Put it up nothing. These babies used to run down the street and meet the truck. Oh, there go getters, you know. By the way, Jack, who's your architect? Oh, I'll tell him about the name of Carlton Burgess. He's very clever, Don, but a bit stubborn. You see, he feels he knows more about building a house than I do. Well, now, that's only natural. That's his job. I know, Don, but this fellow Burgess is so extravagant. I didn't mind when he hung a crystal chandelier in the garage. But when he put a guest room in the doghouse, that was going too far. You know, if Fido has friends, let him move over. But I guess you have to expect those things, you know. Say, Jack, are you going to have a swimming pool? What's that, Phil? I say, are you going to have a swimming pool? Oh, sure, it's already built. And that's another thing Burgess went overboard on. I asked for a little place where I could wade. You know, I wish you could see the size of the swimming pool he built for me. How big is it? How big. Well, there's a lighthouse in it. That's how big it is. Now, when I go swimming, I'll have to put an outboard motor in my trunks. Say, Phil, you've got a home of your own, too, haven't you? Oh, sure. I built a beautiful ranch house right off of Ventura Boulevard. Oh. I have 14 rooms and an eight-car garage. Well, I might be proud of it. Well, I don't blame you, Phil. What do you call your place? Auto-cap number seven. Oh. Well, of course, mine is going to be a private home, naturally, you know. Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Mary. Say, I want to thank you for helping me out. You're doing so much shopping and everything. Did you pick out the wallpaper for my dining room yet? Oh, sure, Jack, and it's beautiful. It is, eh? It's a deep salmon color and has pink Billy Goats leaping over lava in your cactus plants. Is that for my dining room? Yes. I've lost my appetite already, eh? What did you get for my bedroom? Well, for that, I got bright gold wallpaper with little red butterflies chasing baby blue gorillas. Hmm. And there's an American flag spread all over the ceiling. That's fine. I'll have to sleep standing up. Say, what else did you get? Now, for the doghouse. Mary, I don't want wallpaper in the doghouse. Fido doesn't need such ritzy surroundings. Well, he entertains more than you do. Well, well, he's a good mixer. Anyway, I like that. He's a good mixer. Anyway, thanks just the same, Mary, really. Say, Jack, you know, I'd like to drive out and see your place sometime. Is this a nice neighborhood? No, that's a silly question. By sure, I'm... Certainly, I'm in a swell neighborhood, ain't I, Mary? I'll say. Listen, Don, you know Ginger Raj is a movie star, don't you? Oh, yes, Mary. Uncle buys fish at the market right next door to Jack's house. Uncle, it's her brother that's even closer. And, Don, as a special tribute to you, I'm going to have a bed of red tulips in front of the house that spell out Jell-O. J-E-L-L-Dash-O. Well, now, that's a lovely gesture, Jack, but why don't you also spell out the six delicious flavors? Oh, come now, Don, that would run into tulips, you know. But it's a... But it's a thought, anyway. Oh, hello, Kenny. Hiya, Jack, hello, Don. Hello, Kenny. Hiya, Mary. Hiya, Phil. Hello. Well, we're all here. Yes, we're all here, Kenny. In fact, we've been here since the program started. Where were you? Well, I was driving in from my place through Beverly Hills. I passed a bunch of carpenters building a house. Oh, boy, what a screwy place. Well, what do you fellas laughing at? It probably wasn't my house. No, this is right next to a fish market. That's Jack's place, all right. Now, wait a minute, Phil. That doesn't mean it was my house. There are a lot of fish markets. Uh, say, Kenny, was there a Turkish bath on the other side? Yes, there was. Wiggle out of that, Jack. Say, maybe it was my place. What were the carpenters doing, Kenny? Were they busy? I'll say they were selling lumber. Selling lumber? I've warned them time and again. Mary, get me Mr. Burgess on the phone right away. Play, Phil. I'm going to get a bloodhound, so help me. That was, uh... Say, Phil, what was that number you just played? Uh, just a minute, Jack. I'll ask one of my boys. Hey, Frank, what was that number we just finished? What? No, no, that was last week. I mean the one we just got through with. Well, never mind, Phil. No, I want to find out. Hey, Charlie, do you know what that number was? Cratview 1478. Not her. I mean the number we just played. Now, Phil, look, you're the leader. You ought to have some idea what it was. Well, how did I know you were going to ask me? Go to Heavens, I've got to announce something. Mary, did you recognize the number Phil just played? No, and neither did the guy that wrote it. Oh, well, let it go. Anyway, folks, that was something or other from the picture of the same name played by Phil Harrison as orchestra. And very good, Phil. And now, ladies and gentlemen, going from our mystery to our dramatic offering, tonight for our feature attraction, the Benny Cut Rate Theater Guild, will present their version of that current Metro-Golden Mayor success, a yank at Oxford. Oh, boy, Robert Taylor was in there. Yes, Mary, also Lionel Barrymore and Marino Sullivan. Now, in our version, I will naturally play the part of Robert Taylor. Why? Why? Well, because Bob and I are very much alike. He's about as tall as I am, and he's about as tall as Hank achieves in the same drug store. We... Oh, really, we do. And we even like the same girl, Barbara Stanwyck. Only he goes out with her. Is that so? I could get a date with Barbara Stanwyck, too. Couldn't I, Mary? You couldn't get a date with Barbara Fritchie. Barbara Fritchie? What studio is she with? 18th Century Fox and Keep Still. Now, getting back to our drama, I will play the part of that track star and all-around athlete, Robert Benny, better known as Speedy. And Mary will be Marino Livingston, my sweetheart. Uh, say, Jack, who's gonna play your father? You know, Lionel Barrymore's part. Well, I'll tell you, Mary, I've been trying to get Lionel Barrymore himself to play it. I've been sort of fishing around for him, but so far, no luck. Why don't you put some money on the hook? Don't tell me how to run my business. Anyway, I couldn't get Lionel Barrymore, but I did get a fellow who I think can handle the role very well, Mr. Lionel Quetz. Is he here yet? Here I am, Mr. Benny, just raring to go. Uh, now, uh, Mr. Quetz, you're sure you can play the part of my father all right, huh? Well, I played Hamlet, your old man ain't no better than he is. Well, then I guess you'll do, huh? But there's just one thing, Mr. Benny. What's that? I've been listening to Fred Allen, and according to what he says, I think I better get paid in advance. Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Quetz. Fred Allen should be the last guy in the world to say that I'm cheap. Why, is he that way too? Now, listen, any man that'll use the same toothbrush for nine years and then have it re-bristled, well... Well, he wears, he can't be that bad. He can't, eh? Now, you may not believe this, Mr. Quetz, but Allen makes his own underwear out of old flower sacks. His shorts have swans down stamped on them. Is that a fact? Absolutely. I kicked him in the pants one day and started a dust storm. Well, that ought to take care of Mr. Allen for this week. And now that our play, a yank at Oxford, is all cast, we will go on with it immediately after Kenny Baker's number. What are you going to sing, Kenny? Good Night, Angel, from Radio City Rebels. Oh, from Radio City Rebels. Say, Kenny, you're in that picture, aren't you? I don't know. I haven't seen it yet. Well, you ought to know whether you made a picture or not. Well, I know I was in the Golden Follies by gosh. Well, how do you happen to remember that? A lamp fell on me. Oh, well, brush the glass off your head and sing your song. Okay. Sing, Kenny. Now, let's call Concentrate. Now, I'm getting the mood of our play. Everybody. Good night, be just as sweet. The stars are blinking in the blue. It's time to say good night to you, just as sweet. Well, good night, Angel, sung by Kenny Baker. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we are going to present our... Wait a minute, Jack. Am I going to be in a play tonight? Oh, sure, Kenny. You're going to be a young Englishman. Why can't I be a professor at Oxford? Well, in the first place, Kenny, you haven't any brains. And in the second place... That's enough. I think so. And now, folks, we are going to present our dramatic highlight of the evening, our own little vehicle, a yank at Oxford, or a club in Waukegan. Take it, Don. The scene opens in the general store of Lionel Benny in the thriving little community of Waukegan, Illinois. His son, Robert, the star athlete of the town, is leaving that night for Oxford. Curtain, music. Hello, Waukegan Emporium. Yes, Mrs. Smith. Yes. All right, I'll tell him. Goodbye. Oh, Dad. What is it, Speedy? Mrs. Smith says that the mouse trap you sold her yesterday is the wrong size. Wrong size? How does she know? She just caught a bear in it. There ain't no bears around here. It must be her husband. Well, I better tell her she's going to make a rug out of him. Never mind that. Here, son, deliver this order of groceries to Mrs. Bunker. She lives at 216 Maple Street. Well, that's only about a mile away, Dad. I can make it in no time. You know, I won the 100-yard dash this morning. You did? Who did you run against? Sea biscuit. Well, here I go, Pop. Here are your vitals, Mrs. Bunker. Thanks. Goodbye. Well, what's next, Pop? The door going speedy, you made that pretty fast. Now take this step ladder and get me that box of crackers off the top shelf. I don't need a ladder, Pa. You know, I hold the record for the high jump. Here I go. Out. Darn that low ceiling. Here are the crackers, Pa. Well, I better run home and pack my dudge. You know, I'm leaving for Oxford tonight. That's right, my boy. I hate to see you go, but you got to get a good education. Here's your steamship ticket from New York to London. Steamship ticket? Keep it, Pa. I'm going to swim over. Now hold on, speedy. Just because you swam across Lake Michigan don't mean you can swim the Atlantic Ocean. That's right, Pa. Maybe I better take it easy. I'll row across. That's the way to talk, my son. Said you tell Maureen you're leaving? No, Dad. I didn't. I just couldn't bear to tell her. We've been going together for eight years and I'm afraid it'll break her heart. I know, son. It'll be a great shock to her. Here she comes now. Gosh, she looks pretty. Hello, Maureen. Hello, Seedy. That's speedy. Gee, you look sweet, Maureen. You're always so classy and stylish. How do you like this new dress I knitted? Oh, it's beautiful. Turn around. Let me see the back. Oh, no. It isn't finished yet. Now listen, Maureen. There's something I must tell you. Something that, gee, I don't know how to begin. Well, I do. I want a can of corn, a pound of coffee, three lamb chops. Maureen, I must tell you, I'm leaving tonight for Oxford. A dozen eggs. Can't you understand, honey? I'll be gone four long years. Four years, Bob? Yes. That's terrible and a pot of ketchup. Now don't take it so hard, gal. After all, it won't be forever. You'll be true to me while I'm gone, won't you? Yes, Bob. I'll be as true as Ben Turpin with a bow and arrow. That's the spirit. You're the sweetest, dearest girl I've ever known. Say you'll wait for me. Why, Bob, I'll wait for you to the cows come home. That's wonderful. When are they coming home? Tomorrow. Oh. Well, I gotta run along now and pack. Goodbye, Maureen. So long, Dad. I'll see you both at the station. Goodbye, son. So long, Speedy. Hey, Maureen. Watch me jump over the pickle barrel on the way out. Here I go. Oh, gee, it's the first time I've missed. Now I'm all dill. We now take you to the railroad station where the whole town has turned out to see Speedy off. Listen to George Pritchard and his Philharmonic Orchestra. Well, friends, as you all know today, I am bidding Warkegan adoy. I may not be the best student at Oxford, but I'll win every athletic event from ping-pong to screen-o. And I'll be seeing you in four years. Of course, I may come back sooner. But I doubt it. Well, so long, Pa. Goodbye, my boy. Take good care of yourself. Well, Maureen, aren't you going to kiss me goodbye? I'll say I am. And aren't you going to miss me, honey? I'll say I am. See, it looks like rain. I'll say I am. Oh, stop already. I say I am. I'll say I am. Well, goodbye, darling. Goodbye, Bob. I'm hurry back in four years. I will, dear. Come on, Maureen. Let's go to a movie. Okay, Santa Claus. Santa Claus, who is this guy? My new boyfriend. The cow came home early. Oh, I see. All aboard. Rain leaving for Chicago, Cleveland, Buffalo, Syracuse, Albany, and, oh, a lot of places. We now take you to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean where we find Speedy Betty at a rowboat headed for Dero, England. Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. 16 days in a rowboat. Gee, I wish that shark would stop following me. What do you want, shark? A cup of coffee, a sandwich, and you. Stroke. Stroke. Oh, another boat. And look who's out there. Hello, F.D., you're fishing kind of far out, ain't ya? Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. At last, our hero arrives in England, and now we pick him up on a road 15 miles out of London. He's lost and trying to find his way to Oxford. Stroke. Oh, pardon me, folks, I'm on land now. Gee, I've been walking around for days, and no one seems to know where Oxford is. Pardon me, sir, is this the right road to Oxford? Oxford, oh boy, my word. Is that in England? Well, gee whiz, it's supposed to be. Are you looking for Oxford on the Thames or Oxford on the A-bomb? I want just plain Oxford. What size? B. Oh, go away. Gee, somebody must know where Oxford is. Oh, I say young fellow. Hello, old thing. Can you tell me how to get to Oxford? Oxford, old thing? Yes. Well, old thing. Stop calling me old thing. How do you know where Oxford is? I don't even know where I am. Cheerio. Cheerio. He's about as English as a hot dog. Two weeks later, and our hero is still trying to find the road to Oxford. We pick him up in the little village of Marmalade on the Crumpets. Gee, I'm so lonely and homestick. I wish I was back at Walk Keegan. I wonder what Marine is doing right now. Just me, Stanislaus. I'm sorry I asked. Oh, well, gee, I hope I find that school pretty soon. Oh, I beg your pardon, ma'am. Carry on. How do I get to Oxford University? Well, first you have to go through iSchool. I've been through iSchool. Look, all I want to know is what road do I take to get to Oxford? There's an inn right across the Y. Why don't you inquire there? I will. Thank you. Thank you. My, what a quaint little restaurant. Yee-brown Darby. I think I'll get something to eat. Well, ho, sir, herbie fish and chips. Another customer. How'd you do? How'd you do? I'd like a ham sandwich, please. And a glass of milk. What's that? Big pardon? I said like a glass of milk. What do I say? We have no ham, sir. Oh. We have yoghurt pudding and stewed tripe and gooseberry trickle-tarts. Trickle-tarts? I'll have a go at that. And give me a glass of milk. Oh, come on, old boy, you want tea. I want milk. Don't be a silly arse, have tea. I'm not a silly arse, and I want milk. Now, you give me milk or I'll tell Anthony Eden on you. Say, Lord love duck, give over. How about jello for dessert? Jello? That'll be good. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and limeade. Well, I'll have a lot of that. Oh, by the way, maybe you can help me. I've been having an awful time trying to find Oxford University. Oxford? Do you spell it with an O? You spell it with an OX? Now, how do I get there? My? That is a stump, isn't it? But is an American sitting over at that table? Perhaps he can guide you. Why don't you ask him? I will. Well, pip pip, pip pip, and I do mean pip. Pardon me, sir, you're an American, aren't you? Yes, I am. Well, maybe you can help me out. Do you know where Oxford is? Why, certainly. I just came from there. Oh, thank heaven. Now, how do I get there? Well, you go right down this road until you come to a big stone mill. And then you finish in a part of Staderby. You'll rent the seat to fight the right. You borrow the seat for the test of sport, you'll have a seat for five of Stenby. And with rentless software, don't ever miss at Finnet. Oh, you can't miss it. Now, wait, look, I'm still at the old mill. Well, at the old mill, you turn to the right you turn to the right, and you go on the safer force to spend. What do you mean, not the place to spend? Well, don't raise your best to spend. Oh, you mean the right? Now, the sooner we're sitting there in the back of the board and see. Oh, you turn to the. No, no. You just start by the same place at the better. Oh. Oh, never mind. I'll go back to America. Maybe I can find Yale. Play. Here's a way to give your family a cheerful springtime dessert tomorrow night. A swell new dessert that's quick and easy and sure to come out perfect. It's called red cherry cup, and it's made with glowing cherry jello and canned red cherries. It's bright with color, it's crammed with fruit goodness, and it takes just next to no time to make. Dissolve one package of cherry jello in hot water and chill until slightly thickened. Then fold in two cups of seeded canned red cherries, turn into individual cervic glasses, and chill until firm. Serve as is or topped with whipped cream. Either way, you've a prize winner. Or cherry jello has a lovely crimson color and such a delicious extra-rich fruit flavor that it's hard to tell where the jello stops and the cherries begin. Just be sure to make your red cherry cup with genuine jello, or jello brings you that tempting extra-rich fruit flavor. Order some jello tomorrow and try this grand dessert. It's the last number of the 28th program in the new jello series, and we'll leave you again next Sunday night at the same time. I hope you all like our play, A Yank at Oxford. Say, Jack. What, Mary? When I was in your father's store, I forgot to order a pound of cheese and a loaf of bread. Look, Mary, that was only in the play. I don't care. I'm hungry. Well, so am I. Good night, folks. Baker appears on the jello program, with courtesy of Mervyn Alloy Productions. It's the national broadcasting company.