 Hi everybody and welcome back to our blog from the Kamasutra to 2020 where we address your questions, your concerns, even your worries around all things to do with sex and sexuality. So as always we have with us Dr. Anvita Madan Bihal. Anvita is a psychosexual therapist and she brings to the questions a psychological and clinical perspective to add to the advice of the Kamasutra. Welcome Anvita. Thank you Seema and welcome to our blog this week. So Anvita today we're going to talk about fetishes. You know over the last few weeks I've had a lot of emails about fetishes from men as well as women and I found it quite interesting because the questions that have come in that each fetish is different but it's much deeper than just the idea of the sexual preference that they're expressing. You know their questions are about how these fetishes have impacted their life, about how it has impacted the way that they think and most importantly how it is impacting their relationships because we always think of a fetish as an individual thing. It belongs to a person. We forget that there is a partner involved in what happens if the partner is not into the same fetish. So there's quite a lot of very interesting questions that have come in which I'm looking forward to discussing with you today. Interestingly also the one common denominator in all of these questions, the last line of every message every email has been is this a sin? Am I doing something bad? Is something wrong with me? So I think today we're also looking forward to helping a lot of these people understand themselves and get over their own fears but to begin with a very simple question and you might laugh at me but you know is there a difference between a fetish and a fantasy because whenever we use the word fetish somehow it has a sort of underground feel to it, something that should be hidden, something that shouldn't be talked about almost negative but fantasies are supposed to be fabulous. So is there a difference between the two? That's such an interesting question actually and you know we rarely think about it but if we just take the word fantasy, fantasy is about imagination. You can fantasize about any and everything it's in your thoughts and you know it's mostly about sexual acts so you know you imagine how and where you would have a performance sexual act and you can even imagine that it could be on the moon right like it could be anywhere, it's in your imagination. Various fetishes are more real, they are more concrete in some ways, they could be about body parts other than your genitals so you've heard of the foot fetish very often or they would be to do with objects like leather or rubber or you know something else wearing lingerie like those could be the fetishes but I think what's important there is that the person feels that the arousal or how much pleasure they will get if the fetish is involved will be that much higher with or without the fetish and that's what makes it important and that's why fetishes you know become important for people. Okay so that's interesting so what we're saying is that fantasies as an imagining a personal imagining of the sexual act but the fetish is arousal and involving something other than the sexual organs that's the gist of what you said. Yeah I think it could as in it couldn't involve but it mostly involves things other than the genital organs. Okay so let me start with the first one the first question comes from a young man who says that when he was about 15 or 16 he realized that he really liked to wear women's underwear now that on its own is not an unusual fetish but he says that when he started to wear it it took him a few years to kind of get past that initial hesitation or the fear that somebody might find out etc but when he got to the point where he gave himself the permission to actually wear the women's underwear he realized that he only likes to have sex with transgenders so he says I am not gay I still like women but the actual sexual act he only enjoys with transgender so it was actually his fetish that brought him to this realization and now he's actually worrying whether he has done something bad or wrong or is this something that he shouldn't be doing now what would you like to say to this young man? So what I would like to say to this young man is that his fetish for women's underwear is completely normal it is his relationship basically his fetish is a relationship with his sexual enjoyment and he thinks wearing a woman's underwear gives him more sexual pleasure than not and it doesn't matter who he was having sex with it could be with a man woman or transgender his fetish would still be normal but what I do agree with you in some ways what you were saying is that allowing himself like to wear women's underwear it broke inhibitions you know he broke some barriers there and maybe he gave himself permission to try or experiment with something and found his sexual preference through it you know he found he'd realized that what he actually enjoys is also having sex with transgender people so I just want to distinguish that fetish his fetish is women's underwear but his sexual preference is to have sex with transgender community. And of course the idea of having sex with the transgender community is also not individual to him because I think that there is also you were mentioning a big movement at the moment where a lot of people are saying that that is actually their sexual preference way beyond men or women it's sort of it's something that's really come into itself right now. Yeah actually somebody asked me this interesting question when I was teaching and they asked because we tried to separate gender from sexual orientation and they said what if somebody's preference is to have sex with a person who identifies as a trans person as a transgender person and obviously that would be another preference you know it is different from being heterosexual or gay it would be wanting to have sex with somebody who's transitioned or in transition or a lot of times we also see people enjoy sex by cross dressing like that's a big fetish and it can or it can not like you know sometimes people confuse it and say oh they must be interested in transitioning or it might be that they want to actually have a sex change but actually what we've seen is people enjoy cross dressing as a fetish like that gives them sexual pleasure and it might or might not really be related to their gender identity. Okay great thank you Anvita I'm hoping that this will really help this young man who just to help him to understand that he is absolutely okay in the way that he's thinking and the way that he's feeling because the last paragraph of his email was extremely worried about whether he was okay and whether he was doing the right thing so as Anvita says this is completely normal and okay in every way so Anvita next question a little bit following on from the first one it comes from a man who is in his 30s now he says that when he was much younger he took to masturbating in a woman's handkerchief because he didn't have a female partner and so this was his way of coming to orgasm the only problem is now the idea of ejaculating into a woman's handkerchief has become a fetish and even though he's with a woman now he cannot bring himself to come to orgasm within her even if they have penetrative sex at the last minute he has to pull out and actually orgasm into a woman's handkerchief and he's extremely worried because he feels that it's actually starting to break down his relationship. Yeah so this is like you said it's very complex and I think I would have taken or done more exploration work if someone was in our clinic but let's just take it on the face value of what you're saying and that you know it is impacting their relationship and he wants to change it so I'm working from the premise that he wants to change the fetish and he wants to have a better relationship sexual relationship with his partner and so one of the suggestions that I can make is that maybe they can introduce the women's handkerchief as part of their foreplay you know so it still gives him the arousal he still gives him the excitement he you know he still you know gets extra excited seeing that but that he doesn't need to actually ejaculate in it or there might be a transition period so you know it starts with initially that he keeps it on his side and then ejaculates and slowly and steadily it might be like keeping it by his side looking at it or then introducing it as a foreplay or playing with it or having it on the woman's body so there are transitions or the ways that he can include it with his partner which still gives him the sexual pleasure he gets from the handkerchief but at the same time if they as a couple want to experience you know penetrative intercourse then they can have that without him needing to ejaculate in the handkerchief you know what I think that's really helpful that is seriously useful and if you're listening to us on this vlog today I hope that you'll follow on with a suggestion because I think that there's real hope in being able to transition away from the women's handkerchief if that's what you really wish to do as you've mentioned to us okay great let's get a little bit more complex now my next question is from actually from a couple who indulge in this particular fetish and this is about playing with scat and urine but I bring this up because one is of course the couple who wrote to us said that again they wanted to know if there was something wrong with what they're doing because of course scat or feces for those of our listeners who don't know what scat is your feces your urine it's not a very nice pleasant sort of object to be playing with so you know I can understand that they're writing in to say are they doing something wrong are they doing something bad but since then I've also had a few emails from people saying my partner wants to do this and I find it awful what do you have to say about this particular fetish so yeah Seema like I know that most people who are listening might think that is absolutely weird why would somebody get sexual arousal from you know feces or urinating or scat or poo but it is a fetish that exists and it is a fetish that is that you would hear from multiple people that they have their fetish and what's important to really think about it so from both perspective from the individual's perspective once again who are we to judge that's what gives them sexual arousal and that you know gets them the excitement they get feel excited when feces are involved or scat is involved in love making and if that's what works for them I'm not we don't need to judge it that's their relationship and if they find a partner who gets as excited by scat or you know urinating then you know that's wonderful that they found somebody who gets as excited and that would make a really good amazing sexual experience however as you mentioned that for other people it might sound like that's disgusting that's weird how could somebody like something like that so it can be very difficult for individuals to actually verbalize their fetish to a partner you know to introduce it and say oh actually you know what this is what I'm interested in you know so can you imagine that conversation and how fearful they might be that it's going to get rejected like they would just always assume that it could get rejected so one of the suggestions that I would make is that if you have the fears of rejection then maybe present it as an idea present it as what do you think if somebody was interested in this how would you react if your partner has a very opposed reaction or they're not interested at all maybe try suggesting having it visually on a video or you know just as a picture behind you just like we think of other ways that we can introduce it so that you can get some excitement out of it whereas your partner doesn't have to feel as inhibited or disgusted by it so if there is a happy medium that the both of you can find and you know I know that we're going to discuss later on about partners as well because I can understand that for a partner if they're not interested in it it's a tall ask you know it's a tall ask to say let's have sex and I want to you know play with your urine now that is a tall ask so that can be difficult and I would you know it might require you to get some help to negotiate this space with your partner yeah because this is one of those fetishes that a lot of people have written in about about their partner's reaction so I've had a men writing in saying oh you know my wife always looks at me and says are you mad each time I suggest it and we've even had a couple of young women write in and say that this is what my partner wants me to do and I just find it so unacceptable I think it's a particularly difficult one to deal with because I was just thinking I mean like you said yes if it is a fetish that you have that's fine and if you find a partner who's into it equally that's brilliant because you know you can't you can't get better than that frankly if both of you want the same things and you're sexually compatible that's fantastic but I was just thinking like even the basic stench of it or you know the smell it is kind of difficult I think for partners to come to that acceptance you know when one of the people had written in and said that her partner wants her to actually urinate on the floor in front of him now you can imagine you're in your bedroom and he wants you to sit down on the floor in front of him and then urinate and it is a difficult one to do so I know and it sounds I'm sure people are listening they are thinking oh that's bizarre but once again it's a fetish it happens people get aroused by it they get excited but as soon as we start thinking of another person in this relationship that goes beyond your relationship with your fetish it does get complex you know and we say this week after week if as a partner you're not interested in it don't go along with it first for the sake of it it takes away from your sexual pleasure you know if you're feeling uncomfortable about something or disgusted by something you're not going to enjoy love making and that's not the point that your partner is asking you to do so communicate talk about it you know and sometimes you know couples will come in where they have to face the tough question where is the fetish more important or the partner you know they have to figure it out and they really come up with creative solutions where the partner might say okay you can go enjoy your fetish somewhere else or you know I will do this much but not more I'm okay with like like seeing a picture of it but I'm not actually going to physically do it so they really negotiate the space and we also try and understand what pleasure or what emotion is this fetish fulfilling for the partner and can we replicate it through something else will something else satisfy it so it is a really interesting space to you know really maneuver and negotiate and understand but don't give up the communication you know it's not your partner is not bad for having a fetish and you're not bad for liking the same fetish so communicate and try and find a way out rather than you know judging your partner or feeling forced that you need to like partake in this I think that's really amazing I mean it keeps bringing me back to this idea of the fact that you know we don't talk about sex and sexuality it is so taboo even you know just the most average kind of missionary position between a married couple kind of sex even that is not spoken about and this is just that much deeper and nobody's going to talk to you and you can almost imagine somebody going out into the big bad world and say this is what I like you can imagine the sort of reactions that they're going to get face on so you know it must be so difficult to understand that this is what you have to and you know just keeping that trust between a couple to say that okay we are going to talk we're going to have this conversation no matter what happens we're going to discuss it and we're going to try and see if we have a way out so for this particular person and for everybody else who is written in on the idea of scat or urine understand that this is not the end of the world if your partner doesn't want it like Anvita says try it with just visualizing it I have pictures have photos have other objects nearby that remind you of that and see if that works and keep talking it through Anvita are you ready for the next one okay so the next one that I want to bring out is this idea of people in positions of authority now to me I think that that's again a very very ordinary average common fetish it's you know this idea of having somebody who's in power somebody who's important you know people have this thing about somebody in uniform that's a pretty common fantasy and a fetish isn't it or you know the sex with your boss because he's more powerful and so on so this is quite it's quite a commonplace one but I have recently had a couple of people writing in and talking about wanting to introduce their mother-in-law into the relationship now I'm just wondering does this in your mind also come under this idea of positions of power or positions of authority you know so the first time we discussed this question it was and it as an I'm sure for the listeners listening they're thinking whoa like you know that's really what's going on here it's crossing boundaries but I think if we come down I think all the relationships here what we need to focus is on the relationship so the mother-in-law might be somebody in a position of authority there is a certain amount of you know there might be some image of what she is how she is how she behaves and it might trigger something in that person you know so what we need to do is we need to focus on the relationship and not so much like if you think about it people have the fetish of having sex with policemen or having sex with teachers you don't actually bring the teacher or policeman into your bedroom what you might do is you might do role plays you might dress up as a police officer or as a teacher or something like that so once again here I think what's important for this person is that you're obviously not going to bring your mother-in-law into the bedroom so what is the relationship that you're seeking what is that is exciting in that relationship is that that she's very authoritative is it because she is a shouter what you know what is it does she use harsh language harsh word what is the trigger or what is exciting about that relationship or is there something that she does that you know feels exciting and once you figure out that you can obviously role play it with your partner you can you know if you like harsh language you can role play that harsh language if you like the shouting you can role play the shouting if you like the gentleness you can role play the gentleness but it's more about the relationship and less about who there is you know I absolutely love what you have said through this whole thing because I think we we generally tend to deal with fetishes like I said you know we always think of them as this slightly underground word slightly negative connotation oh ha ha you know that kind of thing and you just realize how much how much of yourself goes into a fetish how much of your mind your brain is involved in that and that you really need to have a better relationship with your own sexuality with your own brain and talk out some of these things even if it's to yourself if not to somebody outside just so that you can understand it in terms of the wider relationship you know with with your partner or with society or with yourself yeah you know what you're saying is very important because when I was preparing for this video one of the things that we learned is that fetishes sometimes make you feel a certain way so for example an example I was given was that cross dressing makes somebody feels less anxious or calm like that and then when they're feeling less anxious and they're feeling calm obviously love making you feel that much exciting and more pleasurable and they have to find that relationship that you know and then it became okay for the partner the dressing like full woman was too much but could they have a piece of clothing that they could bring in which still made them feel less anxious and calm and the partner could live with the fact that you know there was a piece of clothing that her partner was wearing and it was you know she could bear with that as well and they could have an amazing relationship but they had to peel through what was important for each person and what were they willing to overcome and what were they willing to accept so you're absolutely right that fetishes don't always need to be about sex they can be but they could be you know something psychological emotional about them as well and what it's worth exploring your own mind to figure out what that is okay btsm yeah I was waiting for that one to come it's the most common one but I I have a reason for having left it to the end but please tell us what do you think about btsm I was waiting for that one because you know it seems like people see it as a fetish and for me I think when we when we say btsm is a fetish you're really minimizing the community it's a very large community and it is now a community where people are saying that's where we need to go and learn about consent and contracts you know it's no if when we go to there's so many contracts and there's so much consent that is taken before somebody actually engages in sex um okay let's do yeah I was just waiting for that one to come because I think you know people always think about btsm and they think about it as a fetish but I think about it as a community it's a sexual preference and it is a community where now more and more people are saying that that's the community where we need to go and learn about consent you would be interesting um yeah because there are so many rules and regulations in that you know in that relationship where there is a contract before you actually negotiate what is allowed what is not allowed what are the signs for stopping and once the person says stop there is no like oh I did get that I didn't understand it's very clear when that sign and the sign could be putting your hand up could be anything and when that signal is given the other person stops there is no like oh I didn't realize and none of that is there and the biggest myth that I want to break is that people think people who are aggressive or violent within sex that's btsm and that is absolutely not what btsm is you have to understand that there's a combination there there is one partner who might be the submissive partner or you know that's one of the relationships that I'm talking about who like receiving pain and they meet up with a partner who like they might be the dominance partner the dominant partner who like inflicting pain and that's the combination that meets and sex is very pleasurable for them because one likes receiving one likes inflicting and so it's not like oh I like hitting somebody while I'm having sex and that's btsm does your partner like receiving sex do they feel aroused when sex is being uh when um when you know pain is being inflicted on it if not then that's not btsm that's not the other partner giving permission and I really want to break this myth because now with like social media and Netflix and everything people just believe that having violent sex is just one kind and 50 shades of gray and 50 shades of gray is not btsm the btsm community would be very horrified considering you know because once again there is a father differential in 50 shades of gray he is in the position of father and she is not somebody who's okay with that you know she's not somebody who gets aroused by that so it's really important that we find that combination you know when we're thinking like we said before if your partner doesn't like your fetish then they are not going to feel aroused they're not going to feel the pleasure sex is not going to be enjoyable for them so just because it's your fetish doesn't mean it needs to be your partner's fetish so yeah that's a really important you know so what I'm taking away from that and I'm fascinated that yes you are absolutely right we know that within the btsm community consent is so important I mean they have the safe words they have the safe gestures there are all these rules to it and people are so careful to stay within those rules you know when we attend workshops for instance there are people who run workshops for btsm and you know it's very very important but you know where they would stop you constantly because I attended a workshop on that you know as part of my research and it was fascinating because you know there's the person like the person holding the workshop would say okay now the dominant partner must spank the submissive partner on the bottom with this particular leather strap or whatever but as soon as you do it you hit once and then you rub it better so you have to make them feel comforted with it as well so you know there was just so much there were so many rules and I like what you said that there is a whole sense of consent around this that you know the both people are saying yes we want to do it so for everybody out there listening in and thinking oh yeah you know we're so into btsm and is it we are not saying whether it is right or wrong we're saying that there are ways of doing it it is there a whole set of rules around it it's like if you get into a wrestling ring or a boxing ring there are rules around your boxing right it's a sport similarly for btsm there are a lot of rules and you can't just sort of you know go trigger happy and say well you know I'm going to start beating the other person up and this is all very exciting for me it may not be for the other person yeah and you know and when you were talking about it you know there is even contract of what is permissible it's not only like how what all can you do what can happen everything is they have first discussed it before before they engage in it you know how much is pleasurable how much is not and on the other flip side also I think the social media also presents this that just because there's a person who's the dominant person who likes inflicted pain or they are the villain you know they are the villain who are just devils and even in their sex making making they like to hit people that's not true either you know once again it's about the combination you know they're not going and hitting everybody so if they have a partner who's not into btsm they're not going and hitting them unless there is consent and a contract they will not engage in the same love making with somebody who's not part of the btsm community they will be very respectful of that fact so I think that from this particular question what I really want everybody to understand and take away because again a lot of questions came in about btsm from a lot of people who are fairly young who just are getting excited by the idea and I think it's more like a novelty thing that it isn't just a okay let's go out and do this please take very careful note of what Anvita has said there are a huge number of rules and the most important thing over here is consent now Anvita I understand one thing I just want to add sorry I'm just saying because I know we might move forward from btsm if you do want to be engaged in btsm and you do think that that's what is exciting for you and that's the community you want to join there are lots of resources online there are lots of classes like you said there are lots of groups there are lots of people who show you how it's done and what it is so do educate yourself and learn about it before even you know sometimes because people can be you know they they think they're entering a btsm relationship and they can get hurt in the process so go educate yourself go learn about it and then you know there'll be many more opportunities to do the experiment I was actually going to come to the point that I had an email literally yesterday from a young girl who wrote in and said that her partner so she's got engaged earlier this year and obviously with the lockdown she's due to be married later this year but with the lockdown she hasn't got a chance to spend personal time with her fiance it's all been you know over phones and so on and so forth like most of the world has and she was saying that her partner who otherwise is fantastic in every way has this thing about he said you know he's she said that he has all these fetishes about like he wants her to get injections in her bottom and wants to watch her getting this and various other things that he comes up and he tells her where most of them end up with her getting hurt or her being having some kind of pain inflicted on her now the reason I bring this up is because here is a young girl she says that she's still a virgin that she comes from a very conservative small town she's never even masturbated in all her life and there is this one person who is now going to be her husband who's now expecting all this of her and she's petrified she's so nervous because she says she said in her email she said you know I keep getting nervous I don't know what to say I tell him but this will be painful and he says to her well if there's no pain there won't be enough pleasure now she's obviously not in a mental space to understand that so she's getting even more frightened and then he'll just laugh at the end and say look just because we dream about something we don't have to go through with it now this is a young girl who at the normal time of life wouldn't even I mean this would even just having average missionary position sex would have been a huge thing for her huge step forward somebody who's still a virgin somebody who's never even masturbated this is really really out of the box is there something that we can say to her to reassure her what I want to say that this fiance has a lot of balls presenting it to her because you know there's no fear that you might get spooked because like you're saying that it is quite scary unfortunately I mean without I don't know either the fiance or the girl but I think unfortunately that's generally a way that um it's generally the way of society in smaller towns in India I mean you do you can't you can't even imagine a girl standing up a young girl standing up to him and saying no I'm sorry I'm not going to marry you it's it's hardly likely to happen so yeah no I have the upper hand he does but what I'm saying is that you know like we said we were coming from a very empathetic standpoint of people who have fetishes because they can be tricky and they can feel judged by other people I'm just saying this person must be very secure in their sexual identity to present this idea but because I'm sure for this young girl she must be wondering oh my god is this a freak is this sex like does sex actually is like that if she's never masturbated if she doesn't have a relationship with what she enjoys sexually she must be you know it is a very impressionable point right like she could be thinking oh that's what sex is and that's what she's going to stay with that sex equals pain and that's not true sex doesn't equal pain sex equals pleasure or sex should equal pleasure and so what I would really say to her is if you're not enjoying what gives him pleasure don't do it as in or find a way to speak to him and say look this is not you know this is making me feel scared this actually induces feelings of fear and you know I I'm not enjoying this and don't make him a bad person just because he has a fetish doesn't make him a bad person so not for once am I saying that he's somebody bad but obviously you need to build a relationship first there has to be trust there has to be intimacy there has to be a chemistry and then automatically maybe you would want to do something for him or you might want to live up to one of his you know fetishes or fantasies but if right now it feels too much then say to him very openly that I understand that that's your fetish but it feels too much for me can I get some time you know can we speak about this in some time and buy yourself time rather than giving into it and also maybe they could actually introduce it like you said for somebody else earlier that they could introduce it as a fantasy into their role play or into their foreplay so rather than actually doing it sort of fantasize about it talk about it build it up in the mind as opposed to in the body yeah as in because absolutely like there are we've spoken about fantasies if that's something that gives him pleasure maybe he can express it he can verbalize it and that can get him arousal and you know I don't know if they are meeting right now or not we talk about the phone sex video well it's all about fantasies and things so it's all right to say to him go gentle on this it's too much for me if she feels that it's too much for her there's nothing wrong in saying it's not this is a fetish for him you can go gentle and say it's too much for me right now and also as Anvita said earlier that there are a lot of online sites you can go to to find out a little bit more about sexual acts or fantasies or fetishes where there is some kind of pain involved or some kind of btsm so go on there and try and watch it listen to it so that maybe it might allay some of your fears if she wants to like I would really go back see I know what you're saying that she might not have a choice and she might be very stuck to go along but I always get worried that if it doesn't come if that if you're not open to experimenting or if that's not something that's exciting the relationship between sex and your pleasure gets really impacted by that so I would I would really encourage and say to what gives you pleasure and you know communicate with your partner rather than just go alone that's really good advice actually and I'm now going to tell you about another partner but from a very different point of view so this is actually a young man who wrote to me and he said that his partner who he has great sex with normally has now come to him and said that she wants a facial finish now for those of our viewers who are listening in and may not know what that means it means where the man pulls out of the woman during the orgasm part and actually ejaculates on her face now this is the girl has asked for it and he's written in he's very upset because he says this is really wrong I think it's demeaning to women and I don't think that she understands what she's saying I think that she's just heard it somewhere on you know on social media and she wants try it and it's not right and how do I persuade her that it's not right now I found this email rather interesting because you know there is there's a little bit of both I mean there is this guy trying to be really nice and thinking about the fact that okay he doesn't want to be demeaning to women and that's wonderful in its own way however I also think that if this young girl has asked for something I mean she also like we've said that it takes a lot of courage to talk about your fantasies your fetishes the things that you might want to do which are not the average everyday things but slightly out of the box must have taken her a lot of guts to actually say that she wants this and she's now being told that she doesn't know what she wants and that she's wrong in asking for it and that she's merely following the crowd and doesn't really understand what her own mind is yeah it does sound a bit patronizing I will agree with that and I think it's very similar to the previous message in some ways to the effect of that's her fetish you know that's what gives her arousal so just that we said for the previous guy doesn't make her a bad person doesn't make her that you know she's derogatory like she doesn't know what she wants or anything this is a woman who's saying a facial finish arouses me it gives me sexual pleasure I like it I enjoy it now as a partner you can say I don't enjoy it it takes away my sexual pleasure I don't like doing this to you so I don't want to engage with it but I don't think as a partner you have the right to judge the other partner's fetish you know to say oh that fetish is derogatory that fetish is yucky that's not a okay fetish that becomes problematic because then in some ways you're judging your partner's fetish you don't like it you don't enjoy it don't partake in it you know just the way we said for the other young woman don't if you don't want to don't do it and so the same thing for this man you don't like it it takes away from your sexual pleasure say to her doesn't do it for me I would like to not you know partake in it but don't say to her you don't know what you like because I think if she's come to this point to say she likes a facial finish she definitely knows what she likes you know um so I don't think or even if it's something that she just wants to try out absolutely like if she wants to experiment with it she might like it she might not like it or you know but at least this she's definitely not someone who she has the courage and she has the spirit to explore the sexuality she wants to try different things and this is one of the things like if she's made the suggestion or request it means that she's fantasized about it she's thought about it and it has excited her you know so I don't I definitely feel that we shouldn't judge it we have the full right to refuse to partake in it but I don't think we should judge a fetish I think that's really um sensible advice actually and for this young man I would particularly like to point out that you know that this whole idea of saying that it is demeaning to women I totally appreciate your sentiment around it but you know it it may not be such a bad thing to try something that your partner wants to do which is not really hurting anybody in too many ways so I think that it might be worth sort of also sometimes opening up our mind to certain other things for the pleasure of the partner and you know like I said before that is a whole you know it sounds like a small like oh we can just do it for our partner but I think it's not actually such a small space it's a really huge space because there is so much around our choices do we like it do we not like it we say yes to one thing but then when it comes to something else we're like oh that's too yucky so I just think that it is a very big area and the combination with the partner I think it is a tricky one I think it does take loads of couple into therapy rooms to really try and really unpick and figure it out and sometimes it also leads to some couples never ever talking about their fetishes because they're really scared that their partners would reject it so it happens both ways and I would you know it is a tricky space absolutely so I'm actually going to give you my very last one now because it actually follows on very very well from the previous one and as you said it's all very well for us to sit here and say well look you know if she's suggested it you should try it even if it's something that you feel so strong about you feel that it's demeaning etc if your partner really wants it it might be worth trying but sometimes we understand that certain things can be really difficult now there was a man who wrote to me who said that they are in their 40s he and his wife they have a very good relationship with each other but that the sex is starting to become a little bit boring and he said that what he finds is that what really arouses him is rough language or bad language or really abusive language he says however that his wife absolutely refuses to do this she can't do this now just to put it into context this is a South Indian couple and the woman wrote in and said that she come there's such a conservative family that when she speaks to her husband in public she does not even raise her eyes to look at him in the eyes I mean she actually has her head lowered when she speaks to him in public but he thinks that when they go into the bedroom she can just drop all of this and start speaking to him in abusive course language so for me it like it has lots of ideas floating through because one I feel like sometimes our public persona might or might not match our sexual persona so we might be different people in bed than we are in public but at the same time I also do think that there are you know how much you can push yourself is individual to every person and also who do you believe you're as a person so as a woman if she has ideas of what is right what is wrong what are sensibilities that should be followed what is culture wise not acceptable acceptable not those are her values so maybe you can introduce it as an idea and say let's role play so you're paying the role of an ex-person where she can give herself permission to use that language because otherwise I can imagine that it's too far away from who she is to suddenly behave like that like and that can feel too much for her and you know once again when she starts partaking in that are you taking away from her sexual pleasure like in the moment is she feeling like oh I don't like this I'm not a nice person for stalking like this I'm like you know not a respectable woman talking like this or whatever like I don't want to get into respect or no respect but for her it might not be pleasurable so one of the ideas would be to do role play to say she is pretend this person and in that persona in that role she might give herself permission to talk a certain way I want to also say that you know sorry to interrupt but I was just thinking that a lot of times it's about opening a door and sometimes we might say oh you know it's great to be able to do this and if you could but it's like the very first fetish that we dealt with where this this young boy said that he started to give himself the permission when he didn't feel guilty about wearing women's underwear anymore he gave himself the permission to wear it and then suddenly it opened up his mind to the fact that he likes to have sex with transgenders which was something that he only came to after he gave himself permission to follow his fetish now it could be that this young woman the wife gives herself permission to do this but what are the changes that it brings in you subsequently because that can also happen and a lot of times I think partners don't think about that necessarily and I think this is also something I would like people to take away from this video is that when you do all of this it's wonderful if both partners can be on the same page when it comes to a certain sexual act or a desire or a fetish it's fantastic because it leads to really pleasurable joyous intimacy but you have to be prepared for all the things that come with it because when you make a change then change is welcome yeah I and I think it's especially difficult for women it's the whole Madonna versus whore thing that we talk about where women are supposed to be you know they are supposed to behave and act a certain way and then people just expect them to change or you know flip when they come into the bedroom and that is a difficult ask you know it's not easy you can't just ask people to shift and once again you know it and if you're going to ask for the change like you're saying then it's not necessary the change will be limited to the bedroom then it might go out and are you prepared for that and is it okay yeah I think that this is a subject that we could probably go on talking about for a very long time because it is so much a part of the human psyche but I think that it's time to bring it all to a close once again just to reiterate a lot of Anrita's advice that a fetish is not an underground negative bad thing it's very much a part of your mind it's how you think but if you do have a situation where either your partner is not okay with it or it is impacting your life in some perceivable way then it is time to understand how to renegotiate the way that you act out your fetish keep your communication corridors open with your partner at all times the more you build up a trust between yourselves the better things will be at any given time even more so for this and that at some point you have to understand that if you both don't share the same ideas the same desires or the same fetishes you have to understand that it has to be negotiated it isn't something that you can go ahead and just put on the other person you have to make sure that you negotiated that you get their consent and so on and with all of that in motion we hope that this leads to a wonderfully productive healthy sexual life for all time to come as always on the video please do like subscribe and comment if you have any questions the email is info.seema.anand at gmail.com and if you need to consult Anvita please email her directly on anvita madan behel.com we'll see you here next week see you next week