 So hi, my name is Gemma if you don't know who I am welcome to my channel This is not my usual content by any means I've never even spoken about this kind of thing on social media before a really quick Trigger warning because I am gonna be talking about eating disorders diets weight Calories, so if any of that is gonna affect you, please please please don't watch this video really really don't want this So please if any of that is gonna affect you negatively just don't watch it. It's not worth it So So the UK and most of the world are currently in lockdown that is basically what is making me film this video I know lockdown can and is definitely affecting people's mental health both positively and negatively I know I've seen a lot of people on Instagram and like social media in general Saying that it's really helped their mental health because it's been like a time to just focus on yourself and like kind of Refresh and take a bit of time out But I know it can be really bad for a lot of other people there is so much Diet culture on the internet especially at the moment my whole TikTok for you page is People losing weight people going on diets people like doing workouts, and that's great, but I Know firsthand how triggering that kind of stuff can be to see 24-7. I mean, I'm doing the Chloe Ting workouts Purely because I know I need to stay active otherwise that is more triggering for me like doing nothing I literally keep seeing these weight loss videos or like how to get fit and lose weight in quarantine There's so much of that out there and I guess this is a way that I can Kind of combat that side of social media My god, I'm really shaking Yeah, anyways, but I put a story up asking for questions because I don't want to just give you a story time on My experience because I know they can be really triggering and also a bit too personal I'm not sure I want to put everything online Not sure that's a really helpful thing to show either the response that I had to my story about it Because it's the first time I've put anything on I'll put up what I put on my story but that was the first time I'd put anything like that on Instagram and Honestly filled my heart you lot are so lovely and even people that I know in real life that I Haven't spoken to in a long time or that I don't really know but like they went to my school or whatever everyone has just been The response was amazing obviously through answering these questions I am gonna be telling my experience well part of anyway, but we'll also be trying to give advice The first question to address is just what kind of eating disorder did you suffer with? So I was diagnosed with anorexia Subtype BP So the one that I was diagnosed with is quite similar to bulimia, but with my binges They weren't like a load of food. They were literally like any basically anything I would eat I would throw it back up again afterwards, but yeah, that's what I was diagnosed with When did you get over your eating disorder? And when did you realize you had one? So I'm gonna think I'm gonna get all the stuff about me out of the way first And then I can try and help with my experience with recovery and I guess any advice Obviously by no means am I a professional? This is obviously only for my own experience. It's just what works for you I guess in recovery. So I Don't know. I can't put an exact date on it was very like I guess gradual for me I know it wasn't like I was I wasn't big before So it wasn't like I wanted to lose weight because I know a lot of people's eating disorders start as a diet Which is why this diet culture is so dangerous because they're trying to just lose a few extra pounds or whatever and then it turns into an obsession because counting calories and Tracking your weight all the time can so quickly become an obsession There was a lot of other stuff going on in my life that I can't that I'm obviously not gonna talk about because it involved other people And that's not my place to say I was really struggling with my school work I went to a very academic school and so I was really Trying To keep up with that and also deal with the other stuff that was going on in my Personal life, so it was just it was Definitely for me more of a sense of control It was so gradual and people didn't really notice to start with so the time it got really bad was definitely over my GCSE revision period That's when a lot more people started noticing my friends were saying I lost weight And I'm not gonna say how much I like weighed at different points But between now and my lowest weight, there's a 10 kilogram difference and I'm now a healthy BMI and all that Anyway, that's when I started noticing it and that's when it Happened, I guess and then when did I get over it? I mean, I don't think I will ever be able to say I'm completely over it when I was really deep in my Illness I had a very strict list of fear foods, which were ones I would absolutely never touch and that is what you have to work through in therapy and Being able to tick those off a list is really I guess motivating like that's that's how you feel yourself getting better So at the beginning of therapy, I think it was my psychiatrist She couldn't mention literally say the words like how do you feel about trying? Pasta or how do you feel about trying chicken and I would just immediately burst into tears and have a panic attack And it was like those have become trigger words And I would literally just burst into tears on the spot that made me feel crazy because that's obviously not a normal thing to do There is Still one food I think only one that I haven't been able to completely tick off that list I guess yeah, so I don't know if I'll ever be able to say I've completely not got it because I can't untrain my brain to Not know what calories are anymore? Beautiful makeup I was watching a click for Taz video the other day her videos are amazing By the way, if you want to go watch them. She was eating her like Recommended calorie intake or something like that. She said in the video that she She basically had no idea what calories were and made me so sad that I made me really sad that I'll never be able to not know what a calorie is and Obviously, it's not at the forefront of my mind every day while I'm eating food because Then I wouldn't be recovered at all but That's just like one of the things that my brain will never be able to shake It's definitely not as bad like I used to have every single food ever memorized. It's so subconscious. It's so like written into my brain Yeah, I don't know what but the answer is I'm I Finish therapy. I really can't remember the timeline, but I finished therapy. Well, I shouldn't even finish it I was doing CBT and I didn't finish I basically quit because I was at the point where I was like I need to just do this myself and I'd they should obviously given me like a year's worth of their of CBT therapy and we'd worked through like The majority of my fear food and I just decided that I needed to do the rest by myself and feel more normal Because by going to therapy I was making myself feel like ill like the illness was still such a Big part of my life. It definitely did work for me. Otherwise, I Don't know what would have happened if I hadn't gone there, but yeah, so I left therapy like a year later Now it's been a year and a half Yeah, so there's a lot of questions about how it affected my family and my relationships with my family and friends and It wasn't great Definitely wasn't so basically I I had been ill for quite a long time before My parents found out before I went to therapy before I got help Basically, my friends told my teacher at school because they were worried about me and because I was basically just denying everything They were saying obviously I was furious at the time now I'm obviously so glad they did because that is the only reason my parents ever found out and my teacher Talked to me and was like either way gonna tell them or You're gonna tell them so I told them I wrote them a note I wrote them a letter and I put it in my mom's work bag before I went to school I literally put it in her bag and ran out the door because I was so scared and then I got to school and Literally didn't look at my phone the whole way there because I was so terrified and then I opened my phone and I've got a text from my mom and dad and They were so nice and I cried my eyes out and I was so scared When I spoke to my mom after school, she took me to the GP and But before that when I'd been hiding it from them They could obviously see something was wrong and because I was keeping this big secret from them I just pushed them away like no other my mom would ask me all the time if everything was okay And I just get angry at her and my moods were crazy like when you're not treating your body, right? It's not gonna treat you right and it didn't like I was So angry at everyone I couldn't really talk to anyone because all that my mind could think about was Food but yeah, it was it wasn't good And I was hiding food from them constantly avoiding mealtimes with them at all costs And so it yeah, it wasn't good And it wasn't fair on them and obviously when I then told them and my mom and dad had to take me We literally had like family therapy sessions that I had therapy sessions and they got spoken to separately to me and it was it was a lot all very quickly and was very intense and I just remember seeing my dad cried. I'd never seen my dad cry before it made me really think about the fact that everything you do doesn't just affect yourself And I think in a funny way it really actually helped seeing How upset it was making me Parents it really motivated me to get better and with my friends same with them I I've never been I mean they're my best friends in the whole world But I've never felt so distant from them They were obviously trying to help because a few of them kind of knew what was going on I just pushed it I didn't want any of that help and then when I was in therapy and I was getting better. I had these diet plans and People had to watch me eat every single one of my meals because they didn't trust me to eat them by myself But yeah, my friends used to have to literally sit there and watch me because I wouldn't eat it in the lunch hall So used to have to sit at school and watch me eat it and text my mom that I'd eaten and I just felt like Such a child. I wasn't their friend anymore. It was just like a patient. They had to look after and like nanny me and I Didn't feel like they were my friend anymore like it was nothing to do with them. Obviously. I wasn't me But that made me really sad as well and I hate I hated lunch times But it was either that or I had to get my mom to come in and she works full-time So I wasn't gonna happen or I had to go and sit in the nurse and then I felt even that was even worse. So My friends are amazing Any advice on stopping it in the earlier stages? So I don't know if you're talking about you or a friend It's hard because I couldn't acknowledge that I was doing anything different or Not healthy. I was in complete denial about it for a very long time So I I guess in the earliest stages if it's you please delete all coloring counting apps because what the further you get into them The harder it is to stop. It's like any addiction It's become so obsessive and That's when it becomes so much more dangerous because it was like I was competing with myself to get it down Get the numbers down and down every day. So please delete all kinds of that just get off social media Get out of your head. I Don't know. I'm not a psychiatrist, but with eating disorders. There's always something that's going on that You want to change or you want to control? So try and figure out what it is and just put that energy into something else I wish I'd put that energy into something else What helped me was definitely as I started therapy. I realized how Unnormal I'd become and how much I'd pushed my friends and family away and I was meant to be going on this school trip to Morocco and like holiday tomorrow bear with all my friends while it was like months and months months in the future I was looking at it and I was like I just want to be normal on those trips. I don't want people looking at me I don't want to have this special food that I have to eat I didn't want that to be how people looked at me and I wanted to enjoy these holidays and at that point I wasn't enjoying anything literally nothing. I was drained mentally physically I was crying all the time all I could think about was food and how unhappy I was and how much Hated myself for doing all of that and how much it was making my friends and family upset And I think I took a step back and I just realized how much I could enjoy my life If I didn't think about that which was weird because up until that point it was it was gradual But it was definitely when I was in therapy So if you can get therapy, please if you try a few In the end I found one that really helped and I I Could start to see how much better my life could be because so much my whole life had become consumed by it Everything was so now in my head. I couldn't think about the future because all I could think about Was eating And I was so unhappy I was so unhappy and and I guess I just realized that I Like I've said the same thing over and over again But I wanted to be normal again. I wanted to be me again. I didn't want everyone to look at me with this like Eating disorder glass in front of me. That's all they could think about and they had to walk around eggshells They had to walk on eggshells around me because I could be Triggered by absolutely anything and people were worried about my friends were worried about talking about food in front of me and people were worried about inviting me to places and like going out to eat and Dinner parties and I'd always have to eat before and I just realized how much I was isolating myself And that's definitely what Made me want to change and then obviously through therapy I was working through my fear foods So I was starting to realize that it's actually possible not to have your whole life consumed by this thing gradually I actually came to my own terms I came to the point like naturally in my head where I realized I wanted to get better and from that point It went so much quicker because before I was literally fighting with these therapists I would shout at people or I would just sit there and not reply to them for the whole hour and a half Or I'd fire them because I didn't like them So I think don't get frustrated if One of your friends is going through something like that and they're getting help But they don't seem to be getting better or they don't want to get better You can't force anyone to get better. They have to want it and luckily I found a reason to want to get better and For other people it takes a lot longer and that's okay. I definitely had Many relapses. I've never been back to therapy since but I've definitely had many relapses where I've that redownloaded an app or like not deliberately missed a meal, but then Catching myself feeling proud after that. I've missed that meal But it's definitely just recognizing the unhealthy behaviors that you're doing and then reversing them So if I feel like if I've realized I've missed a meal and my brain's gone. Oh well done I'm like, uh-uh. We're catching that and I'll go have a snack or something like that because when you're really in it You don't recognize the behaviors as unhealthy in any way And that's why they become so unhealthy because they just become like something you feel like you need to do But as soon as you start realizing how unhealthy they are They're a lot easier to combat if that makes sense. My friend is suffering. What's the best thing I can do for her So it's really hard With things like panic attacks. I can give you Solid advice because I know what works best for calming me down and I know what's best what works best um For calming other people down when I've dealt with their panic attacks and generally the same kind of thing um but Eating disorders are a lot more complex. It's very dangerous and very serious So it's not like a one size fits all kind of advice that I can give um But if you know a friend that's struggling know that going into it, they're not going to want to talk to you most likely Obviously, I can only speak for my own experience But if you don't understand what's going on in your head, it's very hard to talk about with someone else Especially just a friend like obviously therapists are trained to know how to do that kind of stuff um But you can't just pull someone out of it if that makes sense But they're just the most important part is making sure they know that you're always there to talk to and that You're not going anywhere and you're always going to be their friend. Just don't make them feel alienated Don't make them feel like they're on their own. Make sure that they know That you're there to not judge. It's like something precious that you don't want someone to take away from you because you're working so hard To control this and by telling someone it's like they could take control so Yeah, I guess just making sure they know that they can talk to you um With no judgment and you're just there to listen and a problem shared is a problem halved and although it doesn't really work like that It feels like it does and you definitely feel like you've had a weight lifted off your shoulders And then you can work through things together and you can tackle the foods that you're too worried to eat And you can do I mean you need your friends to do that with you I I could not do that by myself That was terrifying, but please if you are ever really concerned go and tell uh At all because that's what my friends did and although I hated them for at the time as I said I don't know. I don't know what would have happened. So I'm very very very glad they did it. Your friend will be too Eventually, but don't expect them to be over the moon with it straight away, but yeah this has given you an insight um Into my life, but also I guess eating disorders in general and the danger of Diet culture weight loss on social media. I don't really know how to outro this But thank you so much for watching. This isn't meant to be a pity party. I don't want sympathy Um because I know people are going to watch this and think that because people on the internet are sometimes very spiteful to put it bluntly um If you've got nothing nice to say, please don't say it It doesn't benefit anyone If you want to talk to me privately, then I'll leave my instagram on the screen and DM me and we will have a more in-depth More like specific personal conversation. If you want some advice or anything like that, um, then give me a message. But yeah I'm in a really good place right now In a really good place right now. I love you all so much. Thank you so much for watching again um, if you're new Subscribe if you want. This isn't my usual content. So if you don't want to fair enough, wow I feel sick. I'll see you all in my next video. Goodbye