 The Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes Program, starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Don't try to do a good morning's work without an adequate breakfast. Dietitians say we need at least one quarter of our entire day's nourishment in the morning. And they also say we need a cereal with whole grain nourishment. And if you include delicious, malty rich grape nuts or crisp toasty brown grape nuts flakes as part of your breakfast, you're giving yourself a real break. For these tempting sweet-as-a-nuts cereals do provide essential whole grain nourishment. You get iron, niacin, vitamin B1, and man, oh man, you get those valuable food essentials in the most tempting way in the world. Or grape nuts and grape nuts flakes are downright swell-eating. So eat a good breakfast and do a better job, and feature delicious, nutritious grape nuts or grape nuts flakes. Ladies and gentlemen, we bring your arm- Oh, Don, Don Wilson. Yes? I'm Barbara, Barbara Stanley. Oh, hello, Barbara! Thank you. Say, Don, Jack called me about a half hour ago and told me that Mary had laryngitis, and he wanted to know if I'd come down and take her place. Well, that's awfully nice of you, Barbara, although we're very sorry to hear about Mary. By the way, did you see Jack? Yes, he's out in the hall talking to Dennis. I heard Dennis asking him for a raise. Yes, yes, I know. The kid tried to get a raise last week, but now he's willing to compromise. He only wants half as much. If I know Jack, he's holding out for unconditional surrender. That'll go on for weeks. Ah, but you've certainly got to admire Dennis. His motto is, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Well, Mary tells me he doesn't stand a chance, because Jack's motto is, if at first you don't get it, you just don't, brother. I feel sorry for the boy. You know, Barbara, it's hard to believe that Jack is so cheap. Cheap? Oh, listen, Don, I've known him for years. Remember that girl he used to go with, Gladys Zabisco? Remember? Yes. Well, Jack broke up with her because she moved to a 10-cent telephone zone. What a guy. Say, Phil, did you ever ask Jack for a raise? Yeah, but I had to cut it out. It's habit-forming. Oh. Well, anyway, Phil, you've got no kick coming. You're doing all right, aren't you? Yeah, but what am I going to do if Alice quits working? You'll be out in the hall where Dennis is. Gee, they've been out there three hours already. I wish they'd get it settled one way or the other. Yes, I know, Mr. Benny, but my mother said I really do deserve it. Your mother, your mother. Now, look, kid, look, you've been on this program for years. Now, when you first came to work for me, I paid you only $30 a week. That's right. And what am I paying you now? $35. There you are. Where? Now, look, look, Dennis, from the day you came to work for me, I've always had your interest. Hiya, Jack. Hello, Fibber. Now, Dennis, look, I've always looked out for your interest, and I always... But my mother's worried about my salary. Your mother, your mother. Well, it's quite a problem with her. She talked to Mr. Anthony twice. Well, your mother had no right to discuss our business. Now, you listen to me, Dennis. I'm paying you. Oh, my arm. Oh, pardon me. Pardon me. Pardon me, kid. Now, look, look, Dennis, you're getting $35 a week, aren't you? Yes, but I've got a cousin who makes $40 a week, and he's a shoe salesman. All right, all right. Your cousin makes $40, and he's a shoe salesman. That means he has to work every day in the week for it. Now, you don't work Monday, do you? No. You don't work Tuesday? No. You don't work Thursday? You forgot Wednesday. Yeah, Wednesday. No. Now, look, you don't work Friday, and you don't work Saturday. The whole week is almost over, and you haven't worked yet. Gee, I'm a bum. No. No, no, you're not, Dennis. You're not a bum. What I'm trying to explain is, oh, officer, would you please keep this crowd moving? Yes, sir. Come on, everybody. Break it up. Move along. Break it up. Come on. Come on. Thank you. Thank you. Now, Dennis, Dennis, where are you? I'm in the crowd. Come back here. What are you doing in that crowd? I was telling them my side of the story. Never mind that. Now, Dennis, I don't want you to think that I'm turning down your raise, but let me give you the reason why. You see, kid? Oh, your glasses are hurting my nose. Oh, excuse me. Excuse me, Dennis. Now, listen, kid, money isn't everything. There are other things to consider, like, well, let me put it to you in another way. You see? What was wrong with that way? Nothing. But all the trouble I have, it's a wonder I'm not losing my hair. You see, Dennis, your song only runs two minutes, and for that, you get $35. That's $17.50 a minute. Now, there are 60 minutes every hour and 24 hours a day. Seven days a week. That's $750 a minute. Mr. Benning, it's against the rule or right on the walls. Oh, oh, I'm sorry, officer. You can erase it. I haven't finished erasing your argument with Kenny Baker yet. Oh, well, I'll do it myself. Now, there you are, Dennis. There are 10,080 minutes in a week. And since you get $17.50 a minute, that means you're being paid $186,000 a week. Oh, boy, am I loaded. Yes, sir, $186,000. You know what that amounts to a year, kid? $9,672,000. What do you think of that, kid? Huh? And my cousin's been snubbing me. Yeah, I guess you can tell him off now. Well, let's go in, kid. We got a program to do. OK, Jack. Jack. We're both way up in the dough now. Right, kid. Potatoes are cheaper, tomatoes are cheaper. Hi, Jack. Hello, Eddie. Now's the time to fall in love. Dennis, let's go in. We got a program to do. Come on. Made by Phil Harris and his orchestra. Very good, Phil. And now, folks. Hey, Jackson. I've been wanting to talk to you. What about, Phil? Well, I'm pretty sore about last Sunday's show. Now, I'm the only guy that didn't have a line in the script. Well, that just happens, Phil. Sometimes you're left out, sometimes Don's left out. Sometimes I leave myself out. That I got to see. What do you mean? Mary told me the only time your voice was out of the script was the day you had that bed cold. And then you had sneezes written in. Don't be silly. You even had the script painted on Kleenex. Paint it? That's printed. They're printed on Kleenex. Well, Mary would have said it. Oh, yeah. Oh, Barbara. Stop exaggerating. Well, Mary said you haven't missed a line since 1912. Mary said, Mary said. That's how much she knows. In 1912, I was still in kindergarten. I'll bet you were the only kid there that used a straight razor. Oh, you little vixen, you? Christmas is coming. Have you seen Santa Barbara? What's my number, honey? I had Lynn. I stink, really. Well, anyway, I was talking to Phil. What were you saying, Phil? Well, it's about last week's show. I didn't have no dialogue. Gee, and Alice had our little baby sitting by the radio to hear Daddy's voice. Well, she heard her daddy's music, didn't she? Yeah, and when I got home, she bit me. Oh, well, Phil, after all, your music isn't as bad as that. Go argue with the kid. Well, let me tell you something, Phil. I used to pan your orchestra a lot, but this year I think it's great. I'll say it's great. Everything is great. Dennis, Dennis, don't let what I told you out in the hall go to your head. What happened, Dennis? Did you get your raise? Who needs a raise? I can't count the door I'm making now. All right, all right, Dennis. Now, let's keep it quiet for a while. And now, folks... I can buy and sell you. Dennis. What's the matter with this kid? Say, Jackson, you've been giving Dennis the routine about making so much a minute. Well, I simply showed him how much better off he is with me than selling shoes. That's all. Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack, loosen up and give the kid a little raise. Look, it's a matter of principle, Barbara. Now, you may not know it, but I had an experience last year with one of my writers. He came to me with a heartbreaking story. Mr. Benny, I can't see very well. Will you please give me a raise so I can buy glasses? So what happened? I gave him a raise, he bought his glasses, read his contract, and left me. So go be nice to people. Now, where was I? You know, Barbara is a rule I don't like to take sides, but there's no question that Jack is underpaying all of us. Do I hear a thin voice from a fat boy? What did you say, Don? I said that we were all being underpaid, including me. Oh. Oh, so I'm paying you starvation wages. I suppose that stomach came with your suit. Now, listen, fellas, I've heard all I want to hear about salary and raises. This goes on every year, and I've had enough of it. Mary is satisfied. Oh, yeah? Asking for a raise gave her laryngitis. Well, Phil is satisfied. I am not. You ought to get Mr. Benny out in the hall. He's a sucker. No, I'm not, Dennis. I'm just trying to show you and everybody else how well off you are. See, Rochester's been working at my house for years. He's happy with his job. Oh, say, Jack, that reminds me. Mary spoke to Rochester about a maid yesterday, and he promised to bring his niece over to see her. I thought she had a maid. Yeah, but she quit. They had an argument about having breakfast in bed. Oh. Mary didn't feel like serving it to her there. Well, I'll call Rochester and tell him to, hey, wait a minute. When did you and Mary see Rochester? Yesterday afternoon, coming out of the movies. We saw him at Warner's Beverly Theater. You saw Rochester at Warner's Beverly Theater? Hmm. And he told me his best friend was getting married and he wanted the day off. Give me that phone. Here you are. Operator. Operator. When you hear the tone, the time will be... What? Oh, excuse me. I was on time signals all day yesterday. Number players. I want Crestview 6, 7-0. You know, when you're on time signals, you keep saying the same thing over and over and over and over. Look, Miss, Miss, all I'm trying to get is Crestview 6. You know, the day before yesterday, they had me on information. I want Crestview 6, 7-0. That drives your nuts all together. Well, Miss, look, I know how you feel, but I... You don't know how I feel. When Meudle and I came to work here, they promised to make me a supervisor. Listen, Miss... Meudle's my girlfriend and she ain't got half the education I got. Look, look. So who do you think they made a supervisor? All right, Myrtle. No, a complete stranger. Now look here, Miss, I'm sorry. Please get me my home, Crestview 6, 7-0, 7-1. Okay. That must be the fatherly type. Everybody tells me they're... Hello. That's strange. Is this Crestview 6, 7-0? I'm not talking to you. You gave me the wrong number. Operator, operator. Long distance. What? You see how they pushed me around? Look, Miss, you gave me the wrong number. I want Crestview 6, 7-0, 7-1. Okay. Why don't I get Rochester on the phone? I'll tell him a thing or two. I'll... Oh, Barbara, what am I mad at Rochester about? He told you he wanted a day off to go to his best friend's wedding and he went to Warner's Beverly Theater instead. Oh, he did, eh? That burns me up. Mr. Benny's residence? Starve, stage, green and radio. Rochester, this is Mr. Benny talking. Oh, oh, oh, oh! Rochester, how did you enjoy the wedding you went to yesterday? Oh, fine, boss, fine. That's good. By the way, did you promise to bring your niece over to see Miss Livingston about a maid's job? Yes, he's here now. We'll be right over. Uh-huh. Now tell me, Rochester, just where and when did you tell Miss Livingston about your niece? It was yesterday afternoon, just as I was coming out of the Beverly Theater. Uh-oh. You were coming out of the Beverly what? Chapel. Chapel, huh? Then you really did go to your best friend's wedding. Uh-huh. What's his name? Who? Your best friend. Oh, him. Yes, him. What's his name? I don't know, boss. He just got married. It's been changed. Now, wait a minute. When a couple gets married, it's the girl who changes her name. When did they start that? Three months ago. It's a new OPA ruling. Imagine going to the movies. Rochester, you lied to me. No, I didn't, boss. All right. Then what time was the wedding ceremony? Two o'clock. Were there many people there? The place was jammed. Who gave the bride away? The Warner Brothers. That doesn't. Now, Rochester, I'll talk to you about this whole matter when I get home. Meanwhile, you bring your niece over here right away if she wants that job. Now, goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. Yes. Looks like my name goes on top of the list. What list? The people you get married with just before Christmas. Never mind that. Goodbye. Imagine them taking advantage of my good nature. Go ahead with your song, Dennis. Oh, Barbara, Rochester's bringing his niece over for you to interview for Mary. Clashing eyes in which my hopes Let me show you where my heart lies Let me prove that it adores That loveliness at the sky If it's me for whom those eyes glow Makes no difference where you are Is at the sky And if ever will my lips If it's me for whom those eyes Makes no difference where you are I sung by Dennis Dave And his million-dollar voice. That's right. And now... And now, ladies and gentlemen... Oh, say, Jack. Yes, Don. I meant to tell you how very sorry I was that I couldn't be at your house Thanksgiving. I had sort of a family reunion at my mother-in-law's. Oh, how was the turkey? I mean, how was the turkey? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Don. That's all right. Did you have fun Thanksgiving? Yes, we had a nice big dinner we finished eating. We all played a game called What Is It? A game called What Is It? Well, that was nice. It goes something like this. I make up a poem, and you have to guess what I'm describing. Don, we haven't time for that. Oh, Lordy, take a minute. Now, listen. It's sweet as a nut and yum, yum, yummy. It's good on your plate, but better in your tummy. Now, what is it? I know, I know, but I'm not going to tell him. No, don't tell him, Barbara. Don't tell him. Well, I don't think you know, so I'll give you another hint. It's toasty brown and munchy crunchy. If you don't like it, you're slightly punchy. Now, what is it? I know, I know, I'm not going to tell him. Don't tell him, Phil. Don't tell him, audience. Don't prompt him. Just let him stand there all by himself. Yeah. Don't tell him. Oh, you're just doing that, Jack. Oh, I know what you're trying at. Now, look, Jack, I'll give you one last clue. All right. I'm Thanksgiving. It's so tasty. You will eat it, but all so hasty. Now, what is it? All right, all right, fellas. Let's give him the answer. It's grape nut flakes. It is not. It's turkey. What? Turkey? Why, Don? Ooh, what he said. Don, do you realize what you just uttered? Oh, sure, but it's okay, Jack. I took it up with the sponsor and he said it's perfectly all right for people to have turkey for Thanksgiving dinner instead of grape nut flakes. He's a great guy. Oh, he certainly is. Right now, I'm trying to clear it for Christmas. I see. Well, I'm sure you won't have any trouble. Say, Don, what about New Year's? Do you think that maybe you... Come in. Well, it's about time he got here. Hello, Rochester. Hello, Miss Stanley. Hello, boss. Rochester, you lied to me and I'm not forgiving you so easily. So don't talk to me. Oh, boss, let's not go through that again. Remember last time when you didn't talk to me for three weeks? For three weeks? Yes, ma'am. He was so mad at me he wouldn't tell me to sweep the floor or dust the furniture or make up the beds. Really? The house got so messy I had to move to a hotel. Now listen, Rochester. Oh, wait a minute, Jack. Mary asked me to interview her maid for her. Rochester, did you bring your niece with you? Yes, Miss Stanley. She's right here if you want to talk to her. Good. Butterfly, this is Miss Stanley. How do you do? Hello, Butterfly. Rochester told Miss Livingston you'd be interested in working for her as a maid. Yes, ma'am. Have you ever worked as a maid before? Yes, ma'am. And you worked for... Money. No, no, Butterfly. I mean, who did you work for? That was her name, Mrs. Money. M-U-N-I. Oh. Her husband's name is Paul. That's Muny, Paul Muny. Money. Well, tell me, Butterfly, have you worked for anyone else? Oh, yes, lots of people. But I worked for Mrs. Money the longest. I see. How long were you with her? Two days. Only two days? Mm-hmm. Well... something wrong. I don't know what to say. Oh, what do you think, Jack? Oh, I don't know. Butterfly, do you have any references? Oh, yes, ma'am. Right here in my bag. M-U-N-I. Money. Well, you could pronounce it that way, it is. Oh, my goodness. I lost my letter of reference. Oh, that's too bad. But I can remember it. Said to whom it may concern. Butterfly McQueen is honest, trustworthy, reliable... Rochester, are you in the habit of writing false references? Only once before, boss, and I'm still with you. Oh, yeah? Well, let me... Oh, Jack, let it go. Butterfly, I'll give you the job on approval. Okay, I approve. And nowadays, that's no joke. Thank you, Mrs. Livingston. It's a good standard. And I hope I'll be happy with Mrs. Livingston as I was with Mrs. Money only longer. I'm sure you will, Butterfly, and you can report to work tomorrow morning. Thank you, ma'am. Come on, Uncle Rochester. Okay, honey. So long, boss. Goodbye, goodbye. Listen, Butterfly, now that you've got the job, I want you to work hard and do everything Mrs. Livingston asked you to do. Mm-hmm. She's a very nice lady, and you'll enjoy working for her just like I do for Mr. Benny. But, Uncle Rochester, I thought Mr. B was mad at you. Oh, we have our little spats once in a while, but I wouldn't leave that man for anything. You know, I'm crazy about Mr. Benny, and Mr. Benny's crazy about me. Are you sure, Uncle Rochester? Am I sure? Why, yesterday, you gave me the whole deal! What's up about pin-up girls these days? But, right now, our government has a pin-up chart for all of us. It's a part of our Food Fights for Freedom program. Now, this pin-up chart is a scorecard to show how well your family is helping food fight by living up to the slogan, produce, conserve, share, and play square. And another important way we're asked to help is to buy more of the foods that are plentiful and un-rationed. Foods like delicious, malty-rich grape nuts and grape nut flakes. Uncle Sam is urging us to eat more cereals with whole grain nourishment, you know, because they are plentiful, thrifty, not rationed. And both grape nuts and grape nut flakes do bring you all around whole grain nourishment. Best of all, they're such perfectly swell, easy. Grape nuts, crisp and crunchy. Grape nuts, flakes, and delicate toasty brown flake form. Both glory in that same distinctive, sweet-as-a-nut flavor. So check up with that pin-up chart, friends, to see that you're doing your part in the Food Fights for Freedom program. And to check up on your pantry shelf, see that you have plenty of delicious grape nuts and grape nuts flakes handy. Well, that's all for tonight. Barbara, I want to thank you for coming over on a moment's notice and pinch-hitting merit. I was very happy to do it, Chad. I know you were. Good night, folks.