 They say the dating pool has pee in it. I'd say it's straight sewage. It's not in a pool. It's sewer. You're part of the pool. So you're part of the pee. You're part of the sewer. What's up, y'all? So I was sent this video to kind of look at. And I thought I would give my thoughts while I watch it. The video is by Breakbeat Media. It's called Wife Loses 100 Pounds My media thoughts are, y'all, be careful with these big girls. Be careful with these girls with low self-esteem. Be careful with these women who are playing a part that's not authentic to them. But yeah, let's watch it and pause it periodically to give my thoughts as always. I feel like the narrative is always the man cheats, the man messed up. We were having a conversation off camera and he was just like, everybody that you talk to says, well, what did he do? Yeah. What do you feel about that narrative? Unfortunately, as a society, we do not know how to conceptualize women as perpetrators. And because we don't know how to conceptualize women as perpetrators, we don't know how to hold women accountable in any tangible way. Just like he alluded to and she admitted with her infidelity, the question still came up. What did he do? Some people explain it away by saying, well, men are the leaders and women are naturally the followers. So if she messes up, then he must have messed up to inspire her mess up or to give way to her mess up. And I think not only is that dishonest, but it's also kind of insulting to womanhood. It assumes that womanhood is immature innately. It assumes that womanhood is adolescent and outside of the control or jurisdiction of a man that womanhood would be unproductive, would be wrong, would be children. And I think we're going to have to pick a side, right? Because the whole concept of feminism and the fight for women's equality is that women are just as intellectually, emotionally, sometimes physically capable as men. But with some of these concessions that we have grown accustomed to giving to women, it still assumes that women are the intellectually inferior species. And that's why we can't even think of women being unfaithful, right? Even though therapists or people who've actually carried out qualitative and quantitative research, it always shows that women cheat just as much, if not more, than men. Women tend to be more cerebral. Women tend to hide their tracks better. But again, the popular notion is that men are the only ones who are unfaithful and specifically black men. Like black men can't keep it in our pants at all. And, you know, I think one of the good things about the modern day and the city girl era and things like that and the shamelessness that we see is that women are being far more honest than their grandmothers. You know, a lot of times we like to romanticize the good old days as if your grandfather wasn't raising a child that wasn't his, as if your grandmother wasn't sleeping with the milkman. But the difference is, whereas back in the day, things were swept under the rug to save face and to keep the family name. These days, women are unapologetic, women are bombastic, women are shameless, right? So I think it's an opportunity for us as men to actually deal with the reality of who women are as opposed to remaining in love with this fairy tale, this Puritan fairy tale of who we wish women were. Oh, so we met when I was about 19 and he became my best friend. We decided to get married a few years later. We got married very young. I was about 23 at the time. Got married very young and he was amazing. He was a great provider. He was a good friend and things were good. We had a baby. Things were good until they weren't in the playlist. Listen to black men. You'll see an interview that I did with Corey Jones. Shout out to Corey Jones. And in that interview, he kind of recapped the aftermath of his first marriage. I put the video out is for one, because I wanted to share like on the scenario in which of how it happened and how these things can happen to men too. Most time you just see women talking about the stories, but you don't see men talking about the stories or what happened. And what I realized is it's way more men that dealt with it than I thought it was women. So Corey Jones actually my is young, really young dude, but he went semi viral on YouTube. I think that video is almost at a million views right now for telling his story of his first marriage, which led to a divorce. And he talked about how they were college sweethearts. They were the ideal couple. They were black love. And long story short, she cheated on him with their trainer. And basically it got me thinking about ideals, right? A lot of times, unfortunately, as men, we are told stories about what women want. We are told stories about who women want us to be. And we're not told the nuances. We're not told that some women actually prefer tumultuous situations. Some women identify those situations as excitement, right? Some women chaos is their norm. And it's unfortunate because they have a lot of work to do. They probably come from certain environments. They've probably experienced certain types of trauma. However, as men, it's not our job to be rehabilitation centers. I think you can prove yourself to a woman to a point. But this idea, this sadomasochistic idea that a lot of men have that your job is to constantly be proving yourself to a woman, it usually leads to very bad outcomes. And I think that men should be a bit more critical of their relationships, right? Critical of the sustainability of their relationships. Like I've talked about, critical about if this woman is OK being bored, right? If this woman is an attention whore, because very often that overlaps with her being a whore whore, right? And what might be keeping her humble might be her appearance. What might be keeping her humble might be her shyness or whatever the case may be. But at some point, whether in this case where she loses a lot of weight and gets her appearance together, or just naturally with age, you just become more bombastic generally, you might be or you will be faced with a different person. And I think it's important that men, especially men who are interested in long-term commitment, don't think about who you're marrying today. Think about who she's going to become. And the question you must answer is, are you OK with that? Are you equipped to handle that? Because unfortunately, a lot of us is men, we just bury our heads in the sand. And because we're idealistic and because we want to do the right thing and check off the right boxes and make our mama proud and things like that, a lot of times it ends up with us being victims to hurt people who inevitably hurt us. So I lost 130 pounds and kind of lost my mind, so to speak. Were you lost 130 pounds in the relationship? In the relationship, when we got married, I was 320 pounds at my heaviest. And yeah, I lost the weight and kind of went south. Was this the first time that you've ever been slimmer in life? Yes. All my life, I've been fat girl. So this was the first time that I actually got to be the it girl, so to speak, you know? And what about your husband? He, what about him? You mean like weight-wise, what's he like? Well, he was a bigger guy, but not, it wasn't too crazy at the time. He was a bigger guy, but he loved me big. He never complained. He always complimented me, treated me like I was beautiful, but I didn't feel beautiful. There's a very important conversation about body positivity here. I've been saying for a long time that body positivity is a lie, primarily because it doesn't cut both ways, primarily because it's inconsistent with science and medicine, and primarily because even those women who are celebrated, for example, Lizzo for being big, if you were to say to another woman, you look like Lizzo, they would take it as an insult, which lets you know that despite the cognitive dissonance of body positivity, beautiful at any size, BBW, they innately, inherently know that it's not right. They know that it's not healthy. They know that it's not good. However, because at the time, they might feel disempowered to do anything about it, or they might be struggling with some mental effects of being obese, morbidly obese, they would rather live in this cognitive dissonance defensiveness versus admitting that I have a problem. And it is a problem. It is not a good thing. It is a bad thing. And it's unfortunate that some of us as men have also been convinced that aesthetic is an ideal. Sometimes you'll hear people tell the lie that back in Africa, women were bigger in this dissonance. That's a lie. Google pictures. I'm Nigerian. You can Google pictures of Nigerians in the 60s, the 40s, or go back even during colonialism. That wasn't ever the norm. Same with America, Google pictures of women in the 60s, 50s, 40s. During slavery, being morbidly obese was never the norm. So these men who claim to have that as their preference, there's a lot of cognitive dissonance happening there. And sometimes, maybe it's your preference because those women with their lower self-esteem are easier to knock down. Maybe it's because those women tend to be more sexually promiscuous because they have to overcompensate for their lack of universal attractiveness. And over time, you've been led to believe that your preference is a 300-pound woman. When the reality is, they're easier. And now we're regurgitating the lie. 300-pound women think they're beautiful. When deep down, they know they're not. And then men think, though, that's my preference. Even though there is a lot of sadomasochism attached to it, a lot of male low self-esteem attached to it. Because guess what? When men rise the ranks, when men are at the top of their game, when men are leaders, they're not passing up supermodels and objectively beautiful women for women who are twice their size. That's just not happening at scale. And as a community in particular, it's time we start telling the truth about that. And unfortunately, there's this other lie of it was inherited. No, what was inherited were the habits of your parents. Your mom ate like shit. She taught you to eat like shit. Now you eat like shit. And you circulate the lie that, oh, my family's big-boned. No, y'all aren't big-boned. Y'all are just accustomed to eating like shit, accustomed to no movement, accustomed to perpetuating lies. And whether you use Monique's fat girls, where a Nigerian man was in love with her specifically because she was twice his size, or the fact that you can find a man to sleep with you because you're easier to sleep with because of your low self-esteem, it keeps you in this cycle of putting off what you know is better for you. Not just better for your body, better for your heart. Literally and figuratively. This is a narrative about big women, right? One of the narratives that I hear is that big women know how to treat a man, right? It's sort of because, I don't know, like maybe the world isn't at their feet. Maybe they do have to be humble and display humility to have people like them, or be into them, or sort of. So from the big girl perspective, can you speak to that? Well, not really, because he was obsessed with me. I mean, when I say in a healthy way, he loved me deeply. And I never felt like I had to do a lot to keep him around. He always wanted to be around. So he works with the girl you worked on. What made you lose the weight? I was just tired of feeling that way. I just, I was tired of feeling how I felt. So I wanted to get it done. I was speaking to someone that used to be fat and they're a fitness person now. And one of the things she said to me was, there's not a fat person that isn't depressed. I can agree with that. I was very depressed when I was at that weight. Very, even throughout my marriage. One of the things I tell brothers, it's next to impossible to love somebody who does not love themselves. And I realize it sounds cliche. But the reality is, when somebody doesn't like themselves, love themselves, it's really difficult for them to conceptualize why they might be liked or loved by somebody else. And in some situations, they actually sabotage the love that they receive from somebody else because they might feel, or they do feel, unworthy of it. All right, so they'll either sabotage it and ruin it or they'll harbor a deep distrust of the person loving them because they can't believe how somebody could love them. Like deeply, they cannot conceptualize how somebody can love them when they don't love them. Right, so not to say it's impossible, but it should be a reason to pause. It's definitely worth a conversation if you are a man who is with or seeking out a woman who is not okay with herself. It doesn't always play out with infidelity. It doesn't always play out with sabotage, but it's definitely worth a conversation. And the thing is, just like she said, a lot of people in general, not just obese people, but people in general are depressed, right? Depression is a real thing. It's an epidemic now, especially in the West. And because of that, it kind of reshapes how we think, how we think about ourselves, think about the world, think about what we deserve, think about discipline or honor or integrity. And I think it's what leads some people to go this low. And what you see, just like with the picture of her ex-husband, he was big too. So there's a chance that either subconsciously, he knew that that's the caliber of woman that he qualified for. She knew that that's the caliber of man she qualified for. So when there was no longer the case, she took a business to South Beach, literally and figuratively. And I think it's part of the reason, we have the conversation about when he get on, he leave your ass for a white girl or a man who make it, they leave the woman who held them down, kind of like Derek Jackson, for the woman that he might not have been able to pull when he was nobody, or a white woman, or a supermodel, wherever the case may be. And the unfortunate reality is that person might have been the best that they could do at the time. And when that changed, when they changed, that person was no longer good enough, right? When I was in high school, I was driving Toyota, but now that I'm a millionaire, will I necessarily be fulfilled driving a Toyota? Probably not. Again, that's why I think it's important, not just for a man to conceptualize what kind of woman is she going to be down the line, but it's also important for both sides to conceptualize, can I keep up with who this person is becoming? Because if I can't, we might be unequally yoked at a certain point, because forever is a longer time for us than it's ever been. Medicine is better, the world is more accessible, social media is at our fingertips. So what our grandparents and their parents were able to do and lock it in for 50, 60, 70 years, I think it's much more difficult for us to do that now. So we have to be more practical in our approach. And even my ex-husband would reassure me and tell me, you're beautiful, don't worry, I still felt bad within myself. So you watch as you lose this weight, but he loved you for who you were, but you didn't love you for who you were. Exactly. Does he not diet with you? Does he not go to the gym with you? Does he not want to do all those things? Or he just sort of like. He just supported me. He was kind of comfortable where he was and his main focus was just me and supporting me. So his main focus was assisting you. Yeah. And just supporting you and being there for you. Yes, absolutely. I heard once that if you are looking up at a woman, it means she's looking down at you. There's a reason why women prefer men who are taller. There's a reason why women prefer men who are leaders. There's a reason why women gravitate to men that other women gravitate towards men of status. Now it's the whole six figures. Because if women desire to follow, they inevitably desire somebody that they can follow. They don't want somebody who's following them. And Psychax talks about this and I think he puts it much more brilliantly than I can, but there is the adored and there is the adorer. And he makes the point that the more difficult job is to be the adored. Counterintuitive, but he makes the point that the more difficult job is to allow yourself to provide the other person their fairytale, basically. Because it feels much better, ironically, to feel like you won, to feel like you finally got the person of your dreams. So he makes the point to allow women to enjoy that feeling. And I assume that means you might be a bit more stoic. You might be a bit less enthusiastic as a man. You might be a bit less head over heels and all the fairytale stuff. But in doing so, you allow her to enjoy the pageantry of that. Because again, if you're looking up to her, it means she's looking down at you. And again, it's not a perfect science. It's not pretty. It's one of those counterintuitive truths, but I've also found it to be true. Women would rather be the adorer, not the adored. So where did it go wrong? When you lost that weight, you looked in the mirror and then you were just like, hold on. Do you think that he could have married that girl that lost 130 pounds? Honestly, probably not. Well, that he would even want to. Oh, I look pretty amazing. So he probably would have wanted to, but I don't think he could have. Now I'm thinking back, I don't think so. Yeah. Do you think that he felt that when he looked at you? I think that he felt betrayal. How could you do this and I met you at this weight? How could you lose this weight and just totally change when I met you at this weight? Another counterintuitive truth is very often we frame men like him as victims and similarly women like the female version of him. You know, I met you when you didn't have shit now that you have something you're gonna, but the reality is in some sense you could also look at them as opportunist. You could also look at them as taking advantage. Like I said, some men who like big women if they were to peel back the layers is because big women are easier to sleep with. Big women have lower self-esteem on average. Big women have to overcompensate for their lack of aesthetic beauty. And I think they're aware of that as well. They're aware of the fact that if I was better looking, nigga, I wouldn't be in your league. You couldn't pull me. If I was the bad bitch that I envisioned myself to be in my head, you couldn't pull me. This is why it's so important for your status and self-image as a man to be independent of a woman. She needs to know, I might be pulling a book out of futures Bible, but she needs to know that you could pull other good women and potentially other better women. That's what keeps her honest. That's what keeps her feeling like she won. But if you're in a situation where a woman feels like she's doing you a favor, I only imagine because I'm fat and the dudes that I actually want, they can't see past me looking like this, but just wait. And then you wanna cry, well, when the reality is you didn't do the work to deserve her to feel like she's lucky to have you. You didn't have enough of a standard for yourself to not accept and be cool with her mediocrity. So how can she respect you? Oftentimes we talk about how American black men compared to the rest of the world are a lot more accommodating. It's a positive thing, right? Because it helps us compete when we go overseas and things cause like we're nicer than the Arabic man or the Colombian man and the whole nine. And we have more money than them and the whole nine. So it's a win-win. However, on the flip side, it's a bad thing because we're not taken seriously. There's a lot of nonsense that we accommodate because we've been trained to by our mothers that other men wouldn't tolerate. And even till this day, you say anything about black women not doing right or black women not looking right. It's, or your mama looked like that. Your mama was fat. So how dare you want somebody who isn't? Your mama was a single mother. How dare you want somebody who's not? So even society sees us as not being deserving of anything better than our mothers. And it's not until we say, no, I will not tolerate your low standards for yourself as my standards for myself. And I think it'll force women to respect that cause they know I can't just come showing up any kind of way looking any kind of way, talking any kind of way, acting any kind of way and it'd be okay. Cause they don't do that with white men. You see black women with white men, they're on their best behavior. Their addiction is better. Their temperament is better until it's not if she's just that bad, but they're capable of it. But because we are so accommodating as black men and we accept big-bonedness and BBW and all that nonsense, we're calling obese women thick just because their obesity is held in her thighs and her upper body. And we're so pseudo-sexual as a community. It's perpetuating this cycle of distrust and ultimately disrespect. Cause black women don't believe us. They don't think we know what beauty is because we'll sleep with anything. They don't think we know what a good woman is cause we'll sleep with anything. And as a consequence, there's no incentive for them to change. I know I'm gonna find some low self-esteem dude to marry me even though I'm 300 pounds. I know I'll find some low self-esteem dude to take me and my three kids in even though he has none. So fuck all that shit you talking about. And it's not until as black men in particular, we draw a line in the sand and say that no, this is unacceptable and we're gonna vote with our attention and our validation before this stuff stops. Because they know, because in her case, she lost 100 pounds and she leveled up because her ex-husband deserved the 300 pound version of her. But he's not in the league of the 200 pound or 190 pound version of her. We can't be mad at her. You think that he felt betrayal? I think that he did because he supported me. He was there for me when I was 320 pounds. But then when I lost the weight, I was different. My behaviors were different. What do you mean? I dressed differently. I wore more fitting clothes. I started to go out a lot more with my girlfriends more than ever. I started getting a lot of attention, a lot more attention from men and I didn't know how to handle it. I just couldn't handle it. So I had weight loss surgery. So I didn't put in as much work. It's kind of similar to getting a VBL. You go in one day and you don't have a desirable body and then you come out and you do. With weight loss surgery, it's gradual but it's kind of quick when you lose the weight. You lose the weight pretty quickly. I lost 100 pounds in six months. At first, he kind of let it slide. He stayed at home with the baby. I had a one year old at the time and he stayed at home with the baby and he kind of let me do my thing. Yeah, at first. And then it was like I. And then he was like, okay, do you have to go out every weekend? He was out every weekend. And during the week sometimes. One of my problems with this narrative that marriage is the fix all. It's the remedy. It is the ultimate solution and validator of the kind and caliber of man or woman that you are is that it doesn't take into account the realities and the nuances of romantic relationships today. And I think nobody recognizes this better than younger people. No offense, but I think some brothers and sisters who champion marriage the way that they do are out of touch. The reason being is our generation, I'm a millennial, I'm 30. Our generation, unlike generations prior to us are not willing to evaluate marriage based on longevity. Prior generations were. Prior generations saw marriage as a validator. It made you official. But because of just the more brutal honesty of our generation, our men and our women, we're realizing that just because she's married don't mean she ain't a hoe. Sometimes she became a hoe after she got married. And I'm sure this was true for prior generations as well, but women back then were better liars. It was easier to conceal information, but today with social media, with the shamelessness epidemic, we have to kind of deal with what things are. And the reality is everybody is not cut out to be a husband. Everybody is not cut out to be a wife, but because of this pseudo idealistic push for it, you end up in situations like this. She cared more about the attention than her marriage. She cared more about the attention and the fun and living her best life than her child. And we'd like to frame it as if she's an exception, she's the anomaly, but in the modern day, this is more common than we might like to admit. And it's one of the more valid reasons why younger men are not enthusiastic about marriage because we see Claire's day, women who do not wanna be wives, at least not now. And a lot of times younger men are shamed by older men or older women as being cowards, even though the reality is, we're just paying attention. And that's not to say that some women are not ready to be wives or some men aren't ready to be husbands, but this jump that used to be the norm is no longer sustainable. And this idea that at a certain age you're supposed to be married, you're supposed to do right by her despite who she is. Once you put that ring on her, she'll transform into a wife. But once you walk down the aisle, you will transform into a husband. It is not true. And that's not to say we give up on marriage, but that's to say that we need to start being honest about these conversations. We need to start being honest about premarital counseling and actually evaluating if a mundane, predictable, quote-unquote boring lifestyle is what you want. Because when I hear some of these women talk about marriage to them as a blowout wedding and it's traveling and it's excitement every day, it tells me very quickly, you do not want to be married because that's not marriage. That's not even marriage to a man who can afford that because if he can afford that, he will be so busy to maintain his ability to afford that so you won't even have access to him to be able to do all that all the time. But a woman who's talking like that is a woman who's immature and a woman who really just needs to be out here dating. But again, because we're not having these conversations, men are just vilified as he didn't do right by her and this, this and that. When the reality is she wasn't ready to be a wife. And we see how it plays out, especially nowadays with exposés like this and some of the horror stories that we hear from men. We see how it plays out when a man forces marriage on a woman who does not want to be. She might even think she wants to be. But upon further investigation, you find out she wanted to be a princess for a day and have an extravagant wedding, but she did not want to be a wife. She still wanted to be outside. She still wanted to be going to Miami with her friends. She still wanted to be in the club. She still wanted every day to be this door of the explorer adventure, but she's not to the stage yet. She's not at the maturity level, at the disposition where like rainy days inside is cool. I understand he's busy, I can entertain myself. And again, with women who lack the self-esteem or lack the image, she probably wasn't even aware that she liked to be outside like that because typically she is ashamed of her body. But if you really know how to investigate, you realize that yes, she's just a city girl waiting, she's just a bad bitch and waiting. And I'm just lucky God didn't give her an ass or I'm just lucky God didn't make her fine. But in the modern day where Dr. Miami could give her an ass, Dr. 90210 can make her fine. It's just a matter of time. It's just a matter of time. So brothers, women can be idealistic and hoity-toity and fairytale, but we cannot afford to be. And women as well, please start telling these young men the truth. Just because y'all have been dating, just because it's the next practical step does not mean you're ready to be a wife and question your ideas of what marriage looks like. And if it actually works and if it's sustainable for any caliber of man, or more specifically the caliber of man that you're with. And if it's not reevaluate, if this is the right time for y'all to take that step, you reevaluate if that's what you actually want or do you just want the validation of a rink? The validation of a day where you're the center of attention and you're a princess. The validation of being the one out of your friends or out of your family that somebody wifed up. I had just had a baby, I was about a year postpartum and I was feeling, I mean the weight was gone but I was still feeling bad. I was feeling bored and frumpy and I just wanted some excitement and he and I became friends and it was innocent at first and then it gradually started to progress into something a little more inappropriate each day. You know, I worked with this guy. I had to see him, you know, he would walk me to my car if it was too dark at night, whatever. And we began to talk on the phone. It was over after that. I had never felt that way before in my life, ever. The excitement, what I thought at the time was love. I had never felt that before, ever. I have never felt so more desired in my life, ever. And even though my husband, he was very uplifting, you're beautiful, you're this, but this was different. This was not only did he tell me I was beautiful but I actually felt it too. You know, when my husband would tell me, I'd be like, oh, whatever, you're supposed to say that. You know, the saying is not what you say, it's how you say it as bullshit. It's not what you say, it's how you say it and who is saying it? That who is saying it is the most vital piece that the ugly guy at school or at the job says you look beautiful today. You know, women think it's disgusting but if the handsome guy says the same thing, she's flattered. Well, that's because she believes the handsome guy. That's because his evaluation holds more weight. Think about it like this, if a guy who has never been out of his town says to a woman, you're the most beautiful woman in the world, eh. But if a man who's well-traveled, desirable, successful, tells a woman, you're the most beautiful woman in the world, it's a lot more valid. That's the reality, guys. When you think back to American Idol, for instance, people didn't come on the show to impress Randy or to impress Paula Abdul. They came on the show to impress Simon, Simon who don't like nothing. If he thinks you can sing, you can sing. But again, part of the lie that a lot of brothers were told is that it's just about being nice to a woman, buying her flowers, checking off all the nice guy boxes and it'll work out in your favor when the reality is, no, it's about who you are. How valuable is your time? Do you give it to her freely and willy-nilly but still expect her to value it? We realize people are more irresponsible with money that they didn't earn, right? That's why drug dealers are always in the strip club or in the club blowing money fast because they didn't really earn it. It comes quick, it goes quick. Same thing happens with attention. Same thing happens with validation. One of the things I take pride in is the fact that if I give somebody a compliment, they know that shit real. Cause if they lips crusty, I'll tell them that too. So part of the red pill range that a lot of brothers feel is this idea that we were lied to. We were told one narrative about women but we often find out in a traumatic way that it's not true. The truth is women wanna feel like they want to. Women want to feel desired but they want to desire as well. Women don't just want to feel like they're your trophy, they want to feel like you are theirs as well. And I'm assuming that that's what the weight loss, the new attention and this new guy afforded her that her low standard having husband couldn't. And we will frame it as if she's a terrible person and this guy is just a victim but it's a lot more complex than that. I was very scared because I had never stepped out in my relationship ever. So I was very, very scared but I was willing to take the risk because that's how intense the relationship between us had got. It's interesting that you said, I never stepped out in my relationship but you were emotionally stepping out of your relationship and how we don't sort of factor that into like the cheating aspect which is probably the more dangerous thing that we could be doing, right? But I meant before him. I had never emotionally, I wasn't talking to anybody, never. When I met him, that's when it all started, the emotional cheating and then the physical cheating. Right. Yeah. Going back to the fact that women cheat just as much as men, if not more, it always starts emotional. It is a lie that women at scale are capable of having meaningless sex with men. It is a lie. That's not to say there are some women who are built like men. There are some women who are built like men and yeah, it's just a nut. But the overwhelming majority are still emotionally tied to their vagina. And it's for very good reason, right? They could potentially die from childbirth and childbirth is one of the major utilities of intercourse, right? So women are innately selective. And I think men know that and that's why it's almost an unforgivable thing of allowing another man access to a place, a sacred place that I thought I earned. I'll say that it can happen to anybody. In my situation, I don't think I've ever been cheated on, but I don't know. That's how I'll put it. I do not think I've been cheated on, but I don't know because I have a healthy respect for women. All right, Nigeria will say fear women. Women are cunning. Women are cerebral. Women are elusive. So I don't put anything past anybody. However, there are some telltale signs to kind of pay attention to. And a major telltale sign is when she's withdrawn emotionally because women want to believe the fairy tale. You hear all these stories of women who stuck by a dude who wasn't no good and had his kids and held him down when he was in jail and all kinds of stuff. Women are absolutely capable of that stuff. But if you're not her, him, it becomes a chore. Women want the labor and the sacrifice that comes along with love as well because she wants to feel like she wants something as well. So you brothers who believe the lie of love is about me making her life as easy as possible, sometimes that puts you in a trick position, a sugar daddy position, not a love position. I have been in a position where I was the other guy. And one of the things I can tell you is if a woman has two men, one man that she is her perfect self for, ideal self, prim and proper, and one guy who she's brutally honest with and transparent with, the guy that she's transparent with is the one that she loves more. And part of the reason why a lot of the naive idealistic brothers amongst us are the ones who are more likely to be cheated on is the fact that those men don't give women permission to be themselves. And if you repress yourself long enough, eventually anybody cracks. And that guy who allows her the opportunity to let her hair down, he's a shoe in. She feels comfortable with him. And again, that's why I have a healthy fear of women because you never know if you're that guy. There's some things to pay attention to, but ultimately it's about not forcing her to live in your fairy tale. Well, it was exciting because it was a secret. But when I came home, I was just, I know coming home. I did not want to come home. I wanted to be in that excitement, that euphoria forever. I hated coming home. So it was hard. I lived a double life. I was a different person at work and with him. And I was a different person at home with my baby and with my ex-husband. It was hard. It was very exhausting, but it was so exciting and enchanting and I did not want to stop. It became an addiction. Was sleeping with your husband difficult? Very. Why? Because I only wanted the other guy. And at this time, is this other guy married? He was, I didn't know at the time. I just thought he had a living girlfriend, but it turns out that was his wife. Wow. Yeah. Did you find it easier to cheat with somebody that was with somebody? Did that, or did you not care? You was just so enamored by this one individual. Well, I didn't care. I was so enamored. It wasn't his wife. So I thought, so I thought I was okay. I'm like, whatever, it's just your big mama who cares. But I was a little jealous because there were times I wanted to be with him and I couldn't because he had someone else. I had way more freedom than him. Women are far more flexible and accommodating than we give them credit of being. I got here brothers who make excuses for why a girl they're interested in isn't accepting a date or isn't texting back or isn't doing all the things that would kind of validate a reciprocated interest. And the reality is, is because she's not interested because this example and many more like it show you that a woman who's actually interested in a man will tell herself whatever lie that is necessary to sustain their relationship. I saw a meme apparently from Future that said that you don't have to lie to women if she likes you enough, she'll lie to herself. So again, brothers, that girl who keeps leaving you on red who doesn't respond quickly, who isn't clearing her schedule for you to take her out, my brother, take your business elsewhere, she's not interested. And even if one day she caves, she's gonna feel deep down that she's doing you a favor. And at that point, you've already lost because you are permanently in the adorer role and no woman wants a short man, aka a man she is looking down at because he's looking up at her. Remember that. You never hear the story about the side duke, right? Like the side duke never comes out like, yeah, it was me. Yeah, but you hear a lot of side chicks. Because maybe women get that emotional attachment that men sort of can just disconnect from. Yeah, unfortunately. I don't think he disconnected that easy, but way easier than myself. He knew what it was. He was more logical about it than I was. I was ready to leave my baby, leave my family. This was nice. I love y'all. I see y'all on the weekend. I wanted to be with him at all costs. You was ready to leave your kid. When I say leave my kid, I mean here that you can have her. I'll see y'all on the weekend. If this don't work out, she's yours just let me be happy with him. That must have felt good. Just to finally get it off of you. Just to get it off my chest. Yeah, it felt good. But the pain that I saw in his eyes, that didn't feel good. Because that was my best friend. That was my best friend. And that didn't feel good. He was so discombobulated when I told him. He was very upset. He took a walk. It was about four o'clock in the morning. Cause I was out. Why are you out at four o'clock in the morning? I'm somebody's wife and mama. Got the little baby at home. I was out when I came in, he was up waiting. And we talked about this little thing he read in the book. I let it go. I couldn't hold it anymore. I was sick. Brothers, just like in business, the person who is the most willing to walk away has all the leverage in a negotiation. She didn't respect him. She might've loved him, but probably like a brother. Even the way she describes it today, he was my best friend. He wasn't her, him. And maybe he could've been that to another woman. But more than likely not. Because more than likely, his self-esteem was just as low as hers. Which is how they found each other. And at the point where their self-esteem weren't as equally low, these type of things happen. I was being honest. Well, you were still trying to. I was tiptoeing. Cause I was like, I don't know what this man is going to do to me. I mean, I know him, but people, you never know people's snap. And so, you know, I was holding my baby cause I'm like, he ain't going to kill me with the baby in my hand. I hold, I was holding the baby. And you know, she didn't know, she's one years old. She was two years old at the time. She didn't know what was going on. And so I'm holding the baby and I'm just telling him things slowly, not everything, but some things. And it was hard for him. He comes back in the house and then what? He's like, I'm moving. I'm leaving. I'm going to live with my brother. I need to stay there for a couple of days, a couple of months. I don't know. I got to get out of here. Nothing, this might sound like a weird question, but was a part of you relieved when he was? Yes. Cause I'm like, I get to be with my boyfriend now. Oh, shit. So a part of me was relieved. I didn't know what it entailed to have my help make gone. So I asked him not to leave cause I showed, you know, I wanted to show him that I would, you know, but if part of me was like, okay. Well, I get to talk on my phone all night. Like I really want to. I don't got to hide. I don't got to hide. I ain't got to go in the bathroom texting all night. You know, I ain't got to make up something to get out the house. And now your boyfriend is like, hold on, what you doing? Yeah. He's like, I hope this is not for me. And I'm like, no, it's not for you. But it's a little convenient. This could be a bit, you know, he's like, well, I still have my kids and you know, I still have my girl. He wouldn't call her his wife. It was a lot. It was a lot of things that I had to break down and tell him there was a pregnancy. He didn't know about what he knew about, but he didn't know that there was someone else involved. It was a lot. You were pregnant by the other guy? I think. And when I say, I think it's because I was having an affair. So I was with that guy and my husband at the same time. So I didn't. No, you terminated. So I had to terminate the pregnancy because I just couldn't handle that. I don't know. I couldn't handle it. I didn't know what I couldn't go through nine months of torture like that. And then the baby come in. And I don't know who. Again, part of why it's vital for us to demystify women and divorce ourselves of this fairy tale that we have of who women are is because of things like paternity fraud. Thank God she had the morality. I don't even know if to call it that, but to not go through with the pregnancy, but statistically there is an uncomfortable number of men who are raising other men's children unknowingly. And it's not always because the woman is vindictive. A lot of times she doesn't know. And it's easier to just go with the flow, live in the delusion than to jeopardize her safe situation. Because the dude that she settled with is typically the safe guy. It's not the guy she wanted, but it's the guy that she knew was gonna be a good long-term partner and a good father. But I think as we continue to demystify women, as women continue to be more honest and transparent, and we can start peeking behind the curtain, I think as men we can better prepare ourselves emotionally, emotionally, mentally for what it is to navigate women and companionship and love and relationship and marriage. What did he say when you told him that you were pregnant? He's like, so you were pregnant by him? He had so many questions. And I had to explain to him, like I don't know. I was seeing him and being with you at the same time. I don't know. But at the time financially we weren't ready for another baby. And I was able to persuade him that this wasn't the right time. So my husband, he knew about the pregnancy, but he didn't know that it may have involved someone else. I just persuaded him to like, you know, we just, this is not the right time. You know, I'm on birth control. There could be birth defects, you know, whatever. I shouldn't do this. Let's not do this. And he was so supportive. He's like, whatever you want to do. This guy is just, If I'm lying, child, I'm flying. When you just, you describe him, he just sounds like the ideal guy. What do you say to the women that are in search of a man like the one you had? Like, that just- They don't make them like that no more. Period. I hate to say they don't make naive men like that no more. And I'm tired of us framing it as a good man. Strive to be kind, not nice. Strive to be reasonable, thoughtful, considerate, intelligent, not just good. Cause simply being good gets you taken advantage of. And a lot of times that goodness, quote unquote, doesn't actually come from an altruistic place. Sometimes it comes from a lack of self-esteem. Sometimes it comes from idealistic projections of the church or the fairy tale that you have in your mind. Maybe that was putting into your mind by your single mother, making you her perfect man. So no, I think to simply look at him as a victim is incomplete and I think it's overly simple. He participated in his exploitation as well. And I feel the exact same way about women in similar situations. So if a woman is ever that lucky to find someone remotely close, fight for that. You know, stay true to that. If you could be with him today, would you? No. Boom. She wouldn't because she doesn't respect him. And she knows that it's just a matter of time until it happens again. Brothers, a woman who cheats on you is not salvageable at all because there were so many boxes that she had to check to even get to the point of cheating. I think especially as a woman, just because of their anatomy, like there's more involved in deciding ex-person is going to be allowed to enter me than for men deciding I'm gonna enter somebody. So by the time it gets to that point and you decide are we gonna make it work, my brother, you're wasting your time. It's dead, it's not salvageable. And even in her own admission, he's a good guy, he's a nice guy just like dudes who end up in the friend zone. But I don't wanna be with him because ultimately it's about that respect. And she lost it for him a very long time ago, long before she even met the new guy. And maybe it's not because the guy wasn't respectable, but maybe it's because she knows that she's not as good a person as he is. So he's just a constant reminder of her intellectually emotional or moral deficiencies. And it feels a lot better being with a man who allows me to not feel so bad about myself. And the truth is, I was unfulfilled in a lot of ways in that relationship. And I wasn't able to express it in the right way. So I was finding my identity through sex. I had this new body and I was getting an identity through sex. He was kind of like the work. Oh, he had slept with at least four or five girls there from what I heard, right? I wasn't there, but from what I heard, he got you at the right time. He got me at the right time and my most vulnerable. When my ex-husband served me the divorce papers, that was when I realized I had F'd up big time. Why then? Because it was real then. I never thought, because like I said, he worked the ground I walked on in a good way. He was amazing for me. So I never thought he would actually go anywhere. Fellas, as good as it sounds for your woman to think that you won't go anywhere, that you won't leave, she has to have a healthy fear that you could. She has to have a healthy fear that other women would not just be happy to have you, but like are potentially actively seeking you out. She has to think that she won. And the only way to give her that feeling is by becoming a man of caliber in your own right. And that doesn't necessarily mean you need to become a six figure guy before you settle down or whatever the case may be, but like your disposition needs to be admirable. Your philosophical intelligence, she needs to wanna learn from you. She needs to know that other people admire you for whatever reason, for what you do, for what you've done, for who you are. She needs to know that she's not the only one who finds you attractive physically. And as counterintuitive as it might sound, in the modern day in particular, these things are necessary to keep a woman, I hate to even put it like this, but in line. Because chances are you're not the most handsome man in the world and even if you were, that's not enough. You're not the wealthiest man in the world and even if you were, what the men are usually the ones who get cheated on the most. So it's about who you are specifically and the uniqueness of who you are. And also more important than anything, finding a woman who sees value in that. Because around the wrong people, I mean, you might never be shit in their eyes. You might never be evaluated properly because they don't even have the know-how to evaluate you properly. So you also have to find the right auction block, is it where? What's the nature of your relationship now? We're co-parents, we're great co-parents, good friends. Like I said, he's remarried and we're family. We take care of my daughter, we keep her as the focus and we don't really talk about that anymore. A part of you must want him to be cruel about it, right? And that's the thing, right? So through him, I learned what true love really is like true of Godfrey love because after everything I did to him, he is still so kind to me. He could be such a monster co-parent. He could be such a asshole. He could, I'm blessed. If kill me with kindness was a person, it would be him. Till this day, till this day, he's super respectful. He don't go there with me, but he don't fuck with me either. Right? Maybe they got nothing to do with my daughter. It's a rat. He's a sweet person, he's a good friend. We have our little birthday parties, Christmas and that's it. That's it. It's a rat. It's strictly business. Strictly business, very kind. How do you go back and tell that girl that shows up to the hotel room and says, you know what? I'm about to take this ride. What would you go back to her and say? It ain't worth it. Don't do it. Don't do it, Miss Silly. Don't do it. Run for your life. You'll regret it. That's what I would tell my old self. What would she say back to you? You're right, but I'll be back. You're right, but just one more time. Just one more time. Yeah, yeah. So you would say this is a regret? Definitely a regret. I would say, you know how people always say if I could go back and do all things over, I wouldn't change a thing because it makes me who I am as a person. Everybody does that. Amen. No. I don't feel that way. I feel totally opposite of that. If I can go back and change some things, I would. That's not true. She wouldn't. The reason she wouldn't is because like a lot of women, she also suffers from Peter Pan syndrome and a dysfunctional, exciting life is much more appealing than a functional but mundane existence. She didn't like her life before, just like she admitted. It was boring. It was predictable. It was safe. Boring, unpredictable and safe is not sexy, especially to women with low self-esteem, especially with women with Peter Pan syndrome and especially with women with essentially a midlife crisis, right? She never got to be young and hot. This is her young and hot and this is the result of it. So no, she wouldn't change a thing. She regrets it hypothetically because she knows she's supposed to but she's probably dating, having fun out in the club, doing what she wants to do now. And truthfully, she doesn't want to be married. She never did. She sought marriage because of either safety or to fulfill the desire of her ex-husband or both or to fulfill the desire that she thought she had for herself, but she didn't truly want it. And this is true for an uncomfortable number of women. And I think as we go forward into the future, more and more women will start to admit it. We're hearing a lot of women say they actually don't like being moms because of the high divorce rate. I wouldn't be surprised if women said they don't like being wives, but they also still like the validation of a wedding and checking off the kid box and a lot of the other social pressures that are placed on them. I am interested to see how this new age of women are received by the world and by men and what new social contracts we're going to have to create for ourselves if long-term companionship, kids and marriage is no longer the goal. If you cheated on you, how do you think you would have felt? How do you think you would have dealt with it? One, and two, the part of you just want him to have cheated on you too, so that you can feel better about what you did. No, because I'm selfish. I want my kid can't eat it too. I want to cheat, but I don't want you to cheat on me. I would have lost it. What? I would have lost it. Did this other guy spend money on you? Not as much as he should have. And I'll leave it there. Not as much as he should have. Was it worth it? Hell no. He ain't paid tuition, buy a book, a bag. Do I have a little Gucci bag to show a little Louis Vuitton? No. Like I mentioned, fellas, the 666 stuff, it's cool. It's a good blueprint to kind of understand that hypergamy is real. However, what's also real is the fact that rich men get cheated on the most. And very often, the women cheat on them with broke men. So it's not that simple. Like right now we're talking about Papus and Remy Ma. And she cheated on him with the intern. Because again, women are feelings oriented. And especially nowadays where they don't necessarily need men for resources in the way that they used to. It's so much more about how you make her feel. So this idea that if you're the guy who spends the most money on her, means you're the guy who's gonna win. That's cap. It's bullshit. Like being competitive is necessary. But being the best isn't necessarily, isn't necessary. You just have to be her version of him. And in this situation, again, I know brothers with money who report to me that they spent less money on women after they had money than they did when they were broke. Because again, all these stipulations women put on men, they only enforce it with men they don't like. Let's be real. If a woman really likes you, don't matter that you're short. If a woman really likes you, it doesn't matter that you're broke. Trust me, I know I was broke. And I still got her. If a woman really likes you, it doesn't matter if her preference is light skin and your dark skin. I've also done that as well. In a lot of ways, human beings are walking, talking contradictions. And I think women are the most quintessential human beings. As flawed and as chaotic and as contradictory and paradoxical as we are. Women are the embodiment of that. So it's not just about box checking, like some people would lead you to believe. It's ultimately about how you make her feel. How good of a listener are you? Are you charismatic? Are you enigmatic? Or are you predictable? Can you make her feel like she wants to impress you? But I necessarily have to be perfect for you? Again, it's these paradoxical things. Because they're examples of, again, handsome dudes who've gotten cheated on, rich dudes who've gotten cheated on, big dick dudes who've gotten cheated on, tall dudes who've gotten cheated on, successful men who've gotten cheated on. So these obvious metrics don't insulate you from, oh shit, you first have to evaluate the kind and caliber of woman that you're dealing with. And you have to make sure the experience with you is unique. And it's not just about how you tap dance and perform for her. And very often your unwillingness to, where everybody else wants to, could set you apart. Where are you now? So now I relocated to a different state, me and my daughter, and two years ago. And I just started over. I'm dating, and it's different. It's difficult, you know, I got married. It's trash. It's trash, okay, it's trash. I said it's difficult, it's really trash, you know. It's definitely trash. It's trash. It's trash. They say the dating pool has pee in it. I'd say it's straight sewage. It's not in a pool. It's sewer, sewage, seriously. You know, one thing that's interesting about this idea that the dating pool has pee in it, or as she puts it, it's a sewer. It's kind of like, I saw this, I think it was a meme, and it was like a guy sitting in traffic complaining about the traffic. And then it zoomed out, and it was like, he's part of the traffic, right? So similarly, you're part of the pool, so you're part of the pee, you're part of the sewer. And because of our lack of self-awareness, we don't recognize, we don't realize often, the ways that we are also toxic, and we're also unpleasant, and we're also a contaminant. And with her story alone, from the perspective of a guy who might be trying to find a wife, she is the pee in the pool. She's the pee, because I guarantee you, she still has the same entitlement of a bad bitch, quote unquote, a city girl. She's still looking for another man to treat her just as well as her ex-husband, and she still feels deserving of it and entitled to it. And it's probably committed to putting out as little effort as possible to attain that. Because again, what's normal is men courting and men seeking women out, and men proving ourselves to women. So for all the people saying the dating pool has pee in it, consider if you're the pee, you just might be the pee. And then you're bringing a child into the situation, you're bringing a divorce into the situation, you're getting older. All of these things are factors that people are looking at when dating. So it's like, it's just blow after blow after blow. Were you loyal to your side piece? What if this way? I would say no. Yo, you had other flexes. I had other flexes because my side piece didn't behave. I'm fucking crying. He didn't not behave, he didn't behave. There is no behavior in this situation. No, he needed to be loyal to what we had going on beside his girlfriend and my husband, it's me and you and no one else. And so when he would go against that, so would I. You know, I would go out with other guys and maybe talk to other guys. Meanwhile, I'm still married, right? So that's a lot of times where the exhaustion came from too. I was exhausted. There's no honor amongst these. No honor, none, none. I stand 10 toes down on that. That's incredible. How we, did you have sex with anyone else? Yes, I did. It's almost like that person that wins the lottery that never had money was always struggling. They finally get the money and they act crazy. They don't know what to do. They spend it on this. They get hooked on drugs. They get involved in things. They never would have gotten involved in if they hadn't had that money. It's kind of how it is when you lose a lot of weight. Wow. You don't know how to act, especially when you were always big. Best piece of advice I can give you brothers is find a woman who knows how to be bored. That is difficult today because most people don't know how to be bored. Most people are constantly trying to distract themselves from themselves or trying to convince their social media following that they're living a better life than they actually are. But if you're somebody who's still seeking long-term companionship, you want legacy, you want a family, children, a house, a life with somebody, that is inherently going to be predictable and mundane and boring. So if you try to do that with somebody who doesn't know how to be with themselves, it'll never work. Just like I said, during the ultimatum case study about Trey and his girl, you'll never be able to entertain her enough. You'll never be able to perform for her enough. You'll never be able to convince her enough because this isn't what she wants. She wants the first few weeks when it's still exciting and hot and there's still novelty. She misses being single, but if you want something long-term, something that's inherently going to get boring, you need a woman who knows how to be boring. I mean, those how to be bored. Those how to be with herself. Doesn't need constant stimulation or attention or validation. Outside of that, it's gonna be next to impossible to make it work because the reality, brothers, is like all women, I would even say most women are not wives, especially today. Let's not take that back. Let's not even say especially today. It's just more obvious today, but most women are not wives. Just like most men are not husbands. But if you've identified yourself as a husband, be careful in your determination of a woman being a wife because this idea that if you're good enough, it'll automatically magically turn her into somebody that she isn't deep down. It's not true. Another thing I'll say about like big women is when we talk about the biblical seven deadly sins, gluttony is one of them. You know, it's overeating. It's being undisciplined with your mouth and your stomach. And then I think there's one for like, you know, sexual deviancy. And unfortunately, there's a lot of overlap there, right? People who are undisciplined with their mouths tend to not be disciplined with their mouths, if you know what I mean. And more than that, if your competitive advantage in competition with other more attractive women is the fact that you put out quicker, maybe you got good head, or you got some wap, or because you're a bigger girl, yours is warmer, wetter, whatever the case may be. And also, you lack the discipline of rationing things that feel good. It's very easy to have sex addiction. Very easy. So, brothers be wary, man, everything and what it seems. The biggest freaks are the quiet girls. The biggest holes are the big girls. A lot of times the mixed girls, that's a whole another conversation. The beautiful girls, that's a whole another conversation about self-esteem versus aesthetics. But again, pay attention, brothers.