 The Jack Benny Program. Presented by Lucky Strike. dreamed is survival. LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Just listen to the words of tobacco warehouse man George Webster. And market after market. I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by fine tobacco that makes one grand smoke. William Curran tobacco auctioneer said. For years and years I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by tobacco this just chock full of smoke and enjoyment smoke luckies myself for 23 years friends independent tobacco experts can see the makers of lucky strike consistently select and buy that fine that light that naturally mild tobacco yes lucky strike means fine tobacco and fine tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you remember lsmft lucky strike means fine tobacco so smoke that smoke of fine tobacco lucky strike so round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the draw the sportsman's quartet yours truly Rochester Van Jones star of our show but today it's worth five dollars to me so here he is jack many talking and folks Rochester you can go now but boss don't you want me to stay here and do some jokes like Don Wilson no no Rochester you're not fat enough five thousand introduction ain't gonna make me no Sydney Green Street right are you dissatisfied with our financial agreement well look if you're unhappy you know my policy anybody that works for me can talk to me about anything at any time no but as soon as anybody mentions money you turn down the volume on your hearing aid what last time I asked for a raise you faded me for 25 seconds I didn't pay to was done by my vice president in charge of finances anyway this is the last time this program is starting out like Fred Allen's and anyway I'm going to use you as an announcer your voice is too horse and rough my voice was nice and smooth you know my voice was nice and smooth till I had my appendix taken out appendix what your appendix got to do with your voice well I guess I've gotten as much out of that five dollars as I can oh hello Mary hello Jack here it is the last program of the season that's right Mary and boy am I glad to I need a vacation oh Jack you haven't been working so hard you don't need a vacation I do too but anyway Mary since this is the last show how about give me a big kiss okay how was that you're right Jack you need a vacation the sister you may not think I'm good but in my acts at the Roxy I do a kissing scene with Margie Reynolds and she loves it especially when I put my arms around her yes I know Margie told me about that and she wants me to ask you something why well Margie wants to know if Margie wants to know if Margie wants to know why she wants to know if you used to wrestle with alligators for a living anyway Mary I'll miss you this summer but I'll be looking forward to next fall when we'll all be together again oh do you want me back in your program next season Jack I certainly do well then I'd like to talk to you about an increase in salary go right ahead okay 1 2 3 4 testing 1 2 3 now cut that out you know sometimes you carry a thing too far yeah Jackson hello Olivia I'm looking at the world through rose colored eyes what are you so happy about she was Jackson why shouldn't I be happy last Sunday I made radio history I was on three shows three show yeah sure I was on your show I was on my own show and I was on Fred Allen show the only one who missed me was Edgar Bergen Bergen doesn't need you he's got Mortimer snurd and compared to you Mortimer snurd is a doctor of philosophy I'm glad you told me Jackson if I ever catch philosophy I'll give him a buzz yes do it but Phil doing three shows today must be an awful strain and after all what's more important money or your health money or your health well hey what do you think Jackson she's asking you anyway Phil why do you have to go around trying to make more money because you don't pass enough well sure that's why Dennis they had to get another show that's why I had to get another show and that's why Don Wilson has got four shows what about Mary she's only got one show yeah and look how thin she is don't blame me for a tight girdle I wear has nothing to do with miss Livingston oh Dennis it's good to see you all again how are you feeling mr. Benny well are you doing at the Roxy Theater oh business is you have a nice trip from Chicago it was pretty good really break the box office record there well it's our last show and he won't even talk to me Dennis I will talk to if you'll only give me a chance now what have you been doing since you've been in New York how are you miss Livingston Dennis I asked you something I mean what have you been doing in New York oh I went to see some shows and visited relatives oh what shows did you see I couldn't get in how are your relatives I don't know they were at the shows are you talking about say Dennis I didn't know you had relatives in New York I don't they live in Newark New Jersey so last night I rented a car and drove under the Hudson River and it was awfully damp cheated I get wet wet why was there a leak in the tunnel oh very good Dennis thanks oh say mr. Benny I'm gonna ask you how's mr. Allen who Fred Allen well kid it was nice seeing you again in fact I'm glad he brought it up but Dennis I'm happy to tell you that Fred Allen has the same old program the same old jokes the same oh wait a minute Jack that's not fair I've heard all of Fred's programs they've been very funny Mary I wouldn't mind if his jokes just laid there but they crawl out of the radio and stain your rug program that just shows what you know Jackson I think the funniest thing in radio is Alan's alley oh you do I think so too oh you do a I think mr. Benny is much funnier than mr. Allen I think so too anyway yes I do now what's so great about Alan's alley anybody with half an ounce of talent can do that oh yeah I'd like to see you do it well I'll just show you sister Phil get your band ready while I put this clothespin on my nose I'll sound like Fred Allen I'll go down to the alley and you kids will play the parks of the people that live there okay Phil music all right I won't say it's been raining here in New York but last night oh mr. well if it isn't Cleveland Cleveland Kenny and I were just discussing the rain we've been having here in New York well mama says that all the rain here in New York was caused by Al Jolson Al Jolson April showers and had two clouds left over oh and mama also I don't know you write this stuff on Thursday it's raining then on Sunday the sun shines and you're dead but what else is new with your mother Cleveland well mama says that from now on she's gonna stop wearing slacks stop wearing slacks why a policeman gave her a ticket for pulling a trailer without a license oh well so much for your mother and her homegrown bus we've got to get down to Benny's Boulevard what is your what is your question for tonight our question is is Fred Allen or Jack Benny the better comedian shall we leave as one of my eyes said to the other let's pack our bags and go nice to be back in Allen's alley Cleveland and I see Senator Harris's home there's a 10 gallon hat and a five gallon jug on the porch let's knock on the bunghole and see what he's got to say somebody I say somebody not yeah there's a name senator Harris that is I'm from the west from the west when I'm east of the Mississippi River I'm an enemy territory looks like these my favorite actresses may well look no man livid can make me see he's slim all out of the house on Easter Sunday when I bake bread I won't use these that's yeast I look senator if you don't just son what you got on your mind just a free country I never saw anyone like your son your mouth wide open but your tongue just lay in there well senator the question tonight is who isn't a better comedian Fred Allen or Jack Benny I brought I say I brought it up in the Senate now watch this one son it's tricky I brought it up in the Senate and made senator tidings glad that's a pun son which comedian you like better Allen or Benny where's Allen from boss how about Benny he's from Warkegan Warkegan's west of Boston ain't it yeah then is the one so long so long the senators on back to his newspaper spends all night reading Westbrook Pegler I wonder if tightest day is at his home always so moody howdy bub Mr. Day I see you're at home yeah day in and day out days in but you're saying your eyes look all red been crying bub reading a sad book what's the title of it forever amber tightest forever amber isn't a sad book is when you're my age bub important question I ask you tonight who do you think is the better comedian Fred Allen or Jack Benny well I never hear of myself when they come on to put my radio out in the hen house and the hen house why steps of production every time Allen and Benny lay an egg my hands try to match it and that really increases your egg production yep did up to last Sunday what happened last Sunday all my hands killed themselves straining well so long bub trouble just like city folk let's try this next house you were expecting maybe my old while you listen to the radio I'm trying to find out who do you think is the better comedian Fred Allen or Jack Benny in my house that is making arguments my wife pansy is liking Fred Allen and you I am liking doffy's temple when doffy is broadcasting pansy is leaving the room when Fred Allen is broadcasting I am leaving the room what happens when Jack Benny is broadcasting the radio is leaving the room see if Dennis Cassidy is at home yeah we're no to Brooklyn sat myself down and have its feeling started cheering for the joints cheering for the joints at Brooklyn what happened I'm not long for this world I just not been asked you a question who do you think is the better comedian Fred Allen or Jack Benny well no I wouldn't be known the only program I listen to was a day in the life of an Irish lad on Wednesday night you mean you like Dennis day as me next-door neighbor would say who I know what you mean but my question is who's the better comedian Fred Allen or Jack Benny without a moment's hesitation I picked Jack Benny because to me is the greatest comedian in the whole world well and why did you pick Jack Benny because this is our last program of the season I want to be back next year what it wouldn't be so clever on a night my sponsor here's a new house build at the end of the alley I wonder who lives there I beg your pardon sir well that's quite all right old man go around to the back and I'll give you something to eat is a surprise finding you here yeah look Jack you can you can cut out the imitation stop holding your nose I'm here now I know that's why I'm holding I got the first one in anyway you know you look better with the close pin on why you why you go if you were 30 years younger I punch you right in the eye what you hit a kid of seven listen Benny when you were seven Sarah Bernhardt broke the attendance record at the Roxy and she didn't have Rochester with her either now tell me what are you doing down here in Allen's alley well if you want to know I'm conducting a poll what are you doing here Jack if I told you why I'm here the real honest to goodness truth cross my heart and hope to look like Jessel the real truth you wouldn't you wouldn't believe it yes I would why did you come to louse up your program you're lousy up your own program is not enough now wait a minute Jack let's not argue after all this is your last program of the season you're going off the air yeah I guess you're right I go off the air every year at this time my sponsor thinks I should have a vacation well confidentially Jack that isn't the real reason your sponsor knows that your material won't keep in the summer even printing the scripts on dry ice won't do it you and oysters get a little gamey with the hot weather well I remember a broadcast you did that was so bad it corroded the 6th Avenue L not only that wait a minute wait a minute Benny I have a surprise for you I have some friend of yours friends of yours visiting me well you are you're so cheap I didn't think you hired more than one person at a time I have some friends of yours visiting me here in the alley some friends of mine yes hey fellas come out here boys what are you doing here because I'm conducting a poll to find out who's the better comedian Fred Allen or Jack Benny yes so speak up boys who gets your vote man that we vote for is F. B. Boone he sells cigarettes more he's like and he's naturally mild the man that he works with this baby rigs from golden tobacco he makes many swigs while they're planted every chance you can hear them from mobile to Spranton yes yes indeed he are both goes to speedy and boo say that's very good certainly is what we want boys boys please boys wait a minute wait a minute boys boys wait a minute boys wait a minute we've been here in Allen's alley long enough let's get out of here gentlemen since this is our last program of the season I'd like to present a young comedian who's going to take my place this summer I first met this young man two and a half years ago in the South Pacific he was in uniform entertaining his fellow G eyes and I thought he was great the next time I saw him was after the war we had lunch together and I knew he had a sense of humor because when I paid the check he laughed as I put my hand into his pocket and here he is Jack you're welcome and Jack I want you to know that after we had lunch that day I realized that you had a certain talent that wasn't to be ignored so I went to my sponsor and asked him to give you the summer job well Jack I felt the same way about you you didn't yes I I too noticed that you had a certain talent so I went to my tailor and had him saw up my pocket but look this is in television if we keep calling each other Jack people will get confused so I'll call you Jack and you can call me I can tell him what to call you I give a million dollars if we weren't on the air right don't listen to Jack just call me mr. Benny all right mr. Benny isn't that Fred Allen yes I listen to his program every Sunday well don't apologize that happens to a lot of people they listen to me and forget to turn the radio off after I'm through is it well how can they they're asleep they are not now there is a clever ad lib for you they are not that shows what happens when you catch mr. Benny with his writers down mr. Allen did you say writer certainly you mean that when mr. Benny's on the radio he doesn't just make that stuff up make that stuff up Jack listen son last year for two weeks Benny slept in the lobby of the sherry Netherlands hotel he couldn't ad lib I'd like a room please what are you talking about I ad lib that once and it cost me $12 a day so go be clever I look part you have any plans about what you're going to do starting next week when you take over my show well I don't know too much Jack but I just made sure that I have a very funny script and I'm going to get a lot of laughs laughs what kind of laughs big laughs big laughs Fred yeah come here man yeah you mean that well I think you're right Jack look look kid have you ever tried any dramatic stuff I don't know I haven't even thought about doing anything serious what I had in mind was to come out with a fast opening and say how do you let us and gentlemen this is Jack part a funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio today I crossed the street against the light and step right in front of a taxi cab wait weren't you afraid the cab would hit you of course not everybody knows a cab is yellow you may not have a meter on you but you're short-ticking tonight no no partner those are the kind of jokes Phil Harris uses see that won't you see that won't get you anywhere how come I got him two shows because he doesn't want to be thin like Mary see now it's no use Fred instead of fooling around here let's really try and help Jack part get started on his new career well I guess you're right Jack and I don't mind helping a new comedian after all I can't live forever what about me you already have Fred if you're gonna give the kid advice give it all will you very well now first of all Jack radio is a very good son they're getting a son I get it the radio is a very good business if you're I'm starting to sound like Rochester here radio is a very good business son and you're getting into it at the right time because nowadays if you make good and radio you go to television if you're slipping you go to the Roxy yes for two weeks and kid the next bit of advice I want to give you is the most important of all now one of the worst things that can happen to a radio comedian is to have his program faded off the air this rally newer you were cut off the air a few weeks ago weren't you me cut off the air yes for 25 seconds oh no no no people misunderstood you see I've been in radio for 15 years and to show its appreciation NBC that big-hearted organization gave me those 25 seconds as a vacation with with pay of course I had a wonderful time I hiked to the water cooler built a campfire in a Dixie cup roasted an old script and popped all the corn get what a tan I had when I got back that is what Mr. Benny told me what did Mr. Benny tell you what he said the NBC has a man sitting at master controls and his job is to see that the right person comes on at the right time and when you got a laugh the control man was so startled he thought he had the wrong program and pulled the switch that's exactly what happened well I've got to run along now fellas thanks very much for your advice and I'll try my best to forget it yes yes do that and before you leave Jack I want to wish you a lot of luck on your summer show and I hope that you'll be a great success thank you very much and Jack if at any time you feel that you need some more help and you can't get me at home you see you can buy an album of my records which are now on sale at your local music store you'll you'll also find them in the bagel slot at the Auto man yeah so long Jack so long yeah I think this kid Jack Parr is gonna be all right but gee I Jack Jack Jack stop worrying how can he hurt us on the radio what do you mean what has he got to make jokes about he's young has plenty of his own hair doesn't wear by vocals that's right he hasn't got wrinkles in his face bags under his eye he doesn't talk through his nose or play the violin yeah we haven't got a thing to worry about come on Fred I'll take you over to the water cooler and buy your drink just say this ladies and gentlemen but Jack will be back in just a minute in the meantime here is Basil Risedale as you listen to this a historic chant of the tobacco auctioneer remember LSMF T and American lucky strike means fine tobacco and fine tobacco is what counts in a cigarette 50 million pounds of tobacco bought and sold that's the 21-year record of Harry R. King independent tobacco buyer of Durham North Carolina he said at auction after auction I've seen the makers of lucky strike by a real fine tobacco tobacco that smokes up smooth and mild for a real smoke I pick a lucky smoke number 18 years independent tobacco experts like mr. King can see the makers of lucky strike consistently select and buy that fine that light that naturally mild tobacco fine light naturally mild tobacco real lucky strike tobacco LSMF T lucky strike means fine tobacco yes LSMF T lucky strike means fine tobacco and fine tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you so smoke that smoke of fine tobacco lucky strike so round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the draw I want to thank Fred Allen for lousing up my show and I'll try my best to do the same thing for him next week it's our last broadcast of the season we'll be back again in the fall of course we're still at the Roxy theater thanks for listening to us all season and I know you'll enjoy Jack Parr very much during the summer thanks again and good night this is NBC