 hello everybody it's a little bit of a different video today because i'm outside in the sun yesterday's sunny in harrigat it's very nice out here very lovely i've been doing some writing this video is just a little bit of an update because i made a video about about two weeks ago i was going for a bit of a rough patch and i've been trying to sort of crawl myself back up there sort of get myself onto a level playing field and i've made some quite good progress to be honest because you know throughout my life you know as i said like eight years of just feeling absolutely terrible absolutely rubbish i've never really got any support for it i've always been offered like therapy and you know like CBT cognitive behavioral therapy but none of it really worked at all and that wasn't really helpful for me and it's always been something that's sort of in my brain it's it's nothing that i can control i am i try so hard to control it try so hard to deal with it and i just i just always feel bad no matter what the situation is like and recently i've been to see a doctor a new doctor in harrigat who's actually been taking me seriously which is good because a lot of doctors sort of take people seriously if they you know do something stupid like if they hurt themselves badly or they you know try and end their life or something and that's like the worst thing because there's a lot of people who do succeed and that kind of thing and it's it's sad to see that not everybody not all doctors are willing to do to can i go forward with that and and act on it before it happens and i've been very lucky i've i've recently been put on a new medication so i'm still taking the metazapine the one that i've been taking for a while now for about two years two years and a bit maybe and that's got helped a little bit helps a lot on my sleeping health or my anxiety not too much with the depression though although it does have some sort of serotonin action and it does help with that it's not particularly the best and they've they've put me on another medication now so they haven't taken me off it they've put me on two which is it sounds bad because it's you know it's a medication you know people associate it with or you shouldn't be taking stuff to make you feel good you should just try and work out yourself and like for a lot of people yeah that could possibly work but for me i've just done absolutely everything and sadly it just hasn't seemed to come through like me i know everything's good know everything's right logically i know i'm doing good i've been successful i've done things i'm doing well at stuff i've got friends but i just i don't feel good about it and that was the main thing so this you know sort of the dual medication treatment thing is is not something that they they do a lot so i was very happy that they were actually trying to do it because i think if if this didn't work if this sort of dual medication thing didn't work i would get you know a diagnosis of treatment resistant depression and uh you know that would that would open a lot of alleyways for me to try new stuff you know new sort of medications and trially stuff you know if you've seen anything on uh nos ketamine before it's like the medical version of ketamine um and that was has been shown to be very like very successful and it is still in trials so it's not available to everybody but it is available to people with that treatment resistant depression um but this medication has been doing good for me i i'm supposed to feel the full effects get all the full benefits after about what's it like two weeks or something sort of build it up two or three weeks and whether whether it's a placebo um or whether it's because it is just affecting my serotonin i'm feeling better i have no idea but i'm not really too bothered about that the best you know the main thing is is that i'm good i feel i feel okay i don't feel horrible all the time which is good i feel somewhat positive and i'm you know i i feel you know with depression it sort of numbs you a little bit to everything and i was just not enjoying anything um i was acting as if i am enjoying it because i know that i would so if i was you know socializing i do enjoy it but it's more of a it's more of an effort but now it's it's ah what's that stupid bug bug on my knee nature disgusting apart from the views look at that yep so um it's i've i've felt a lot of positive effects from it i feel like i can enjoy things more i'm enjoying interacting with people a lot more and being emotional in a positive way rather than only feeling good if i'm being emotional in a negative way which is you know quite a big thing normal thing when you're depressed because that's like the only emotion that you feel so um but no i'm feeling i'm feeling quite good now i'm feeling okay um it's a bit of a dip and uh i hope that the the last sort of bloggy style and real talk video that i did last time is not too scary for any of you i am okay you know i've i've given up the sort of i don't want to call it an aspiration but i've given up the idea of ending my life like when i was in thailand and when my grandmother passed away and when uh my nano got uh you know progressively into outsiders and dementia and stuff and that that changed a lot for me and the whole experience changed a lot for me and i didn't really feel like i wanted to do that anymore even though it was quite it's quite tempting to and it's hard to get out of that thought pattern like oh if it all goes bad then i can just end it kind of kind of thing it's not something that most people couldn't empathize with even last year have mental health conditions yourself it's just it's difficult it's like you don't want to live your life in pain like you want to enjoy it to some degree and for some people you just can't and no matter what you do you just don't enjoy anything enough it's not good enough to get up every day there's more negatives than positives and even the positive stuff is not good enough but yeah i'm feeling good uh hopefully i'm going to be doing some more stuff if you've checked out my facebook page i've been doing a bit of acting i say acting i've been doing some extra work but there's quite a few up close kind of shots and stuff it's called if you want to give it a google or a facebook or whatever facebook search it's called the cardboard box fort and it should be coming out i think they're just about finished up filming i only filmed for two days but it's gonna come up soon and i'm excited to just get into the media film acting sort of business now and i've got a few links and stuff and it's a possibility of doing a boxing movie now as well with this guy that i talk to and it's it's it's all looking all right i've seen it's got a job i've applied to a lot of things but you know i'm i'm more in the mindset right now i was a bit stressed about not having purpose or meaning but it's the first time i've been out of education since i can remember uh apps yeah so i'm just trying to enjoy it as much as possible i guess but i would like a job i would like it um but yeah thank you everybody who's been supportive supportive of me uh when i was you know in a bad state and uh you don't need to worry about me i'm not going anywhere as long as there are some people out there who need me to some degree not need me in some sort of egotistical way but as long as i'm helping a little bit and giving you some you know inspiration to go on if you have mental health conditions or inspiration to work on yourself you know if you're if you're autistic and try and push through stuff yeah i really appreciate you guys and uh sorry about the quality of this camera but probably the sound as well it's going to be rubbish but i did i did i did remember some people saying that you wanted to see more nature so voilà naturu naturu yep i have basically just been wandering up and down this field with an iPad in my hand and my shoulder is getting a bit it's a bit tight and i probably look a bit of a numpty thinking any vlogger looks like a bit of a numpty just like talking to a camera oh who is he thinking is anyway yeah a little update hope you guys are good as i said you're going through a tough time contact me on facebook my facebook page send me a message we can talk about stuff whatever anything to do with autism mental health are you just going through a tough time you want some advice or something i can i can help you hopefully give you some ways thomas words some thomas talky time but yeah thank you very much guys and i'll hopefully be putting some more more videos out soon got my head together now start recording again so thank you a lot thank a lot thank you for watching and i'll see you in the next one goodbye