 W-E-A-F, New York. Pack of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You'd never guess, but Avalon cost me less. So why not always travel on with that? Well, King, lifting the cellophane curtain on another half-hour of Avalon time with Red Foley, Jeanette, the Avalon chorus, and Bob Strong in his orchestra. And the only man in radio with packed pockets and pants to match, Red Skelton. Thank you and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Listen, Dell, there's no patches in my pants. That's a shadow. That's the first shadow I ever saw with a seam. Good old Dell, King. Half-man, half-mustache. Hey, Skelton. Yes, Mike. Are you a college boy or did a horse tip on your hat? Yeah. Listen, microphone, you better be good or you won't go to heaven. Oh, I'd get this soon, though, where you're going. How do you know that's where I'm going? You own the place. What makes you think I own the place? In rehearsal, I heard the sponsor giving it to you. You don't bother me, microphone. I just got back from Louisville where I paid a visit at the Kentucky Derby. What I mean, paid. Well, it really had a lot of fun down there. You should have seen me. I wore a high silk hat, white stats, a cocktail coat, and for a novelty, I wore shoes. I was with Mr. Avalon, our sponsor. He'd tell a joke and I'd laugh. I'd tell a joke. And he'd tell a joke and I'd laugh. The sponsor really liked me, though. He invited me over to his private box and let me run errands all afternoon. I love horses, though. I have a horse called Dick Pater. He thinks he's a thoroughbred, but he's a big jackass. This horse of mine is really a lovely horse to ride, but he's so skinny. I ride him three miles and I'm not neat for three weeks. But down at the race that you had some lovely horses and do I pick them? I pick horses' names out of a hat. I pick one winner out of the whole race. That horse was so long he came in first, second, and third. But the next race, I lost the money that I won. I had a hunch that that horse would lose. When the horse I picked jumped over the fence, borrowed my newspaper, and start reading the one adge to the jockey. That horse was so old that after the race, a milk wagon chasing for three blocks. But the next race, I really picked a Lulu. That horse was slow. I should have known that horse was slow. The minute the jockey came out dressed in a nightgown. What a bad loser that horse was. After the race, he walked over to the win and he says, hey you, we'll settle this out in the alley. But on the way home, I found out why they say racing is the sport of kings. Pop told Mom how much he lost and she crowned him. Well, I think I've been trotting around the track long enough, so I'll turn the track over to red fully from the hair, the same color. And he's got those funny old hills to smooth out. Take it over, fella. Weather's clear, track's fast. There you are. Happy on the prairie is singing. Lely old hill sang back to sail. Lely old, lely old, lely old, lely old. And now for a point in economy, Del King for Avalon. Ladies and gentlemen, when you make a purchase and find out later, you could have bought the same identical quality for less money. Well, you feel that you've been taken advantage of, don't you? For friends, don't let this happen to you on your cigarette purchases. When you can get highest quality in Avalon cigarettes for three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands, why pay more? Why don't you give yourself the benefit of that saving? And I'm not just talking about pennies, because that difference on every pack of cigarettes you smoke turns into many, many dollars in a very short time. Yes, Avalons cost you three to five cents less, but you'd never guess they cost you less. 100% union made from a matchless blend of choice, Turkish and domestic tobaccos, they have a quality equal to or better than any cigarettes you've ever smoked, regardless of price, regardless of brand. You have so much to gain in Avalons. Highest quality, exceptional economy, they're certainly worth a trial. Why not try a pack tonight? And this is Redskillton coming from Chicago. A bag of wind from the Windy City. Glad to see you. You look nice and I like your evening gown. It's kind of skimpy though. Well, what's wrong with it? It's the latest thing. Late. I'd say it hasn't even arrived yet. I think Edna's gown looks pretty nice from what I can see. And you can see plenty. Listen to the Cinderella man talking. Cinderella man? Does he have to be back someplace by 12 o'clock? No, but that full dress suit does. Thought that was a rented suit. It is not. The man's let me wear it for nothing. All I have to do is press the button every two minutes and the shirt front lights up and says Ginsburg's credit store. Well, a pants ruffle, doobie. Why don't you buy a bell? Why should I support my fancy? Never do anything for me. That's a phone. I'll take it. Hello? Oh, this is a Ripley program. No, it's not the Ripley program. Why? Well, I guess something is sensational. Two rats are fighting in my room. You got what? You got, uh, did you hear me? Yeah, I heard you, but I lost my place in the script. What's so remarkable about two rats fighting in a room? They're wearing boxing gloves. I left that guy in Cincinnati. I bet you've been hanging around the main part of Chicago all day. You've got a big loop under each eye. Say, where have you been, Hucky? Oh, I've been out gawking at everything. And when I got home, I was too tired to even iron out a few things. Then you stopped at the laundry. Well, I don't think there's any lobbies in Chicago, Mr. Skelton. What? Well, I read something about the rain washes out Chicago's sock. On your sightseeing tour, did you see the Ripley building, Herky? Oh, yes, I did, Miss Stillwell, but you know, I think it's a fake. Why, I stood there three hours and it didn't wriggle an inch. What have you got a pencil and pad for, Herky? Oh, I'm a newspaper reporter. And they sent me down here to interview you. It'll be a good publicity. Oh, I don't care much about publicity. Well, then for heaven's sake, let go of my coattail. Have you interviewed many people, Herky? Oh, I'll say I have. Why, I just interviewed a big meatpacker who's getting a divorce because his wife talks too much. And what a headline battle made. Meatpacker can't tongue. Mr. Skelton, I'm out to get another scoop before somebody steals my shovel. What a newspaper man. He probably thinks the Free Press is valet service on the house. Hi there. How do you find Chicago? Oh, that's easy. I just get off the train where the sign says vote for Kelly. Can we go down to the station? There's a big delegation there to meet me. Hey, did they give you the key to the city? No, they gave him a one-way ticket to Vinzans. They did not. One guy took my picture. Yeah, and another guy took his fingerprints. Yeah. Say, where will I find the corn exchange building? Is this it? Oh, there's a gag coming that ain't in here. Hey, come, Mr. Bone. What makes you think this is the corn exchange building? Well, I see two grain brokers out in the audience bidding for this script. How about that? That guy fool, he's going to untun himself a writer. Who is it? Go ahead. Hey, Skelton, are you going to stay in my room again tonight? Well, I was planning on it. It's a five-year plan if I ever heard one. Hey, Skelton. Yeah? What is it, though? You haven't met Bob Strong. No, I've been looking him over, though. He don't look so strong to me. What a gag. You ought to see him tear through a telephone book with his bare hands. Well, that's nothing. You ought to see Skelton tear through the Grand Central Station with his bare feet. Bring him over here. OK, Red, but first I want to tip you off about him. He's quite the man about town. A devil with the ladies and all that sort of stuff. And be prepared. Well, what do I look like? A country bumpkin? And don't guess me. Bob, Bob Strong, come on over and meet Red Skelton. Hi, Skelton. Hiya, Bob. Hey, what part of the comedy do I take over? Well, you can... What part of the comedy do you take over? What do you mean? Well, Fred Allen has Van Steedon. Jack Benny has Phil Harris. Now, you need my help. You're slipping. Slippin'? I ain't been anywhere yet. Gee whiz. Now, I just ought to tip you off, Skelton. You're in Chicago now. Oh, put me wise, huh? You don't have to start that stuff with me, brother. I think my first time to a big city. Oh, no. Skelton got off the train, took one look at a skyscraper, and yelled, Timber! Wait a minute, Mr. Welles. I want you to meet Mr. Strong. Hello, Edna. Hello, Bob. Oh, well, you bet. Well, you don't have to be so formal. See, you like to play games. Oh, yes. I love them. Well, you don't like to play games with me. Bet your nickel I can kiss you without touching you. I'll bet you can't. Bet your nickel you can kiss without the... Ah, that's an old gag. She knows it. Everybody knows that gag. So, he's gonna... Oh! What are you kicking me in the shins for? Gee, I just thought you knew it, and he looks tired. Been staying over a hot orgus for all day, and... Who's playing this game anyway? Well... Go ahead, Bob. Let's see you do it. Okay, here it comes. Oh. But you touched me. That's right. Here's your nickel. You knew that gag? Go around kissing everybody. You don't play games. I ain't play the same game. I'll bet you I can kiss you without touching you. Okay, put up the hundred dollars. Okay. Oh, it's enough of this silly business. Play some music. Say, Jeanette, how about singing Heaven Can Wait? Will you, Ellie? Next week, ladies and gentlemen. Jeanette, yes. Red, pardon me just a minute, but here's where I take over for Avalon. Hey, wait a minute, Dale. Why should the announcer be the only one to handle a commercial? Yeah, why don't you let me sing one? I've got a poem. Oh, wait a minute. We haven't got time for both. Tell you what I'll do. I'll toss the coin. The winner gets to do what he wants. Toss the coin. Oh, wait a minute, Red. I noticed you're tossing a cent. You know, Avalons cost three to five cents less than other popular price brands. Oh, stop horning in, Dale. You'll get a reading announcement. Here, now, wait a minute. There you are, Mr. Welk. You win. It's home. Go ahead. Okay, here it goes. Oh, Avalon cigarettes sure are peachy. I like Avalons and Don Amici. Oh, they'll love this in Louisville. Choice Turkish and domestic tobaccos blended. I'll bet you think this poem is ended. Yeah, but I know it has. Take over, Dale. Oh, no, wait a minute. I'm not through. A smoke so smooth, so mild, and so fine. Oh, Avalons, Avalons, you are divine. That's three to five cents less. Oh, yes. You'd never guess they cost you less. So why don't all of us next time left ask for Avalon cigarettes? Boy, you may... You made that last one rhyme the hard way, didn't you? And don't forget your change. That was very good. Say, you know what? We should always have a rhyme on this program because rhyme rhymes with Avalon, huh? Yeah, like, uh, your hair is tawny Yeah. Now, if you two don't stop, I'll call me a cop. Oh, shucks, you got me doing it. Uh, wait, we can't keep this up, my old Holi. I think I'll call upon Red Fully. Wait, look, uh, get us out of here. William Fully, we're high as a kite. What are you going to say? Red Skies in the Night. Sing it, boy. Oh, shadows are far, the shepherds delight The meadows are green And now for one of our gaga sagas, sagas, gaga sagas rather, one of, uh, Skelton's ancestors, Napoleon Bonaparte Skelton. Say, Del, you set the scene for Napoleon. Well, I'll round up the cast. Okay, Red. Okay. Bob Stroke? Clear. In 1914, the Napoleon was exiled to the island of Elba. After ten long months, he returned to France, where once again he marched at the head of his triumphant legions. As the scene opens, we find Napoleon Skelton and his wife, the Empress Josephine. The time, the fateful day of June the 18th, 1815. The place, Waterloo. Napoleon, you're driving me insane. You haven't spoken for an hour. Why do you keep standing there with your hand in your pocket, your coat? Well, sometimes it helps me relax. Sometimes it helps me to think. But this time, I've lost the button off my shorts. I've owned it to the general for a game of tiddly wings. The Countess of Boleska to see Napoleon. Say that accent. You must be from South France. Uh-oh, Josephine, there's something I must tell you. The Countess is in love with me. Why? Well, maybe it's because I'm a big man. Big? Well, you're so short, the seat of your pants leaves footprints. Josephine, you forget my rank. I could never forget your rank. Sacre bleu. Well? Well, I'll tell the Countess. Countess, Nappy? Nappy? Listen, you call me Nappy again, and Nappy slappy toe happy. Show the Countess up. Just bring her in. I'll show her up. Sacre bleu. Napoleon, as your Empress, I'm asking you not to see that woman again. And as your wife, I'm telling you. Oh, if I could, uh... Sacre bleu. Sacre bleu. Sacre bleu. Can't you say anything but Sacre bleu? Sacre purple? I was much happier in Elba. After the war, I think I'll leave, France. From what I hear, I know you will. I wonder why the English don't attack. General Dichon, bring me my war maps. I must plan an attack. Here are your war maps, Liar. The word fire, that's a misprint. Now we'll attack from the right, and we'll open fire in the center. We can't fail. That's the way Caesar won his battle. Copycat? I am not. Napoleon, have you any plan to combat the fact that the English don't fire till they see the whites of the enemy's eyes? Well, let me see. I got it. Have our men to fight blindfolded. Ah, you are truly a genius, Napoleon. Oh, no. La Belle France, la Belle France. Well, maybe I am slipping. I thought I'd get full of them. Duke of Wellington approaches by himself. Nappy? I wonder what the Duke of Wellington wants. I don't know. He probably wants the truce, the whole truce, and nothing but the truce. Here he comes. Well, well, well, Wellington. Cheerio, Napoleon. Oh, I see. Don't bother to get up, old tomato. What do you mean, don't bother to get up? I'm slandering. I miss, like, just because I'm short. Precious things come in small packages. Yeah, so does poison. Yeah. I see. As commander of the British forces, old boy, I'm asking you to chuck it all. Give it up, you know. Go back to your knitting. What? Will you have some tea, Monsieur la Duke? Oh, thank you. Will you have tea with lemon? I'll drink with anybody. Ask, rum, go, and all that. There's no chance for you. Got you cornered. What? Wait, you're asking me? Here's the tea and crumpets. Want me for anything else? Thank you. Let him alone, Napoleon. He meant no harm. I know what I'm doing to this rat. Ready! Oh, now, look here, Napoleon. Suppose we pull a coup d'etat. You wouldn't dare. A coup d'etat. Well, you ought to know, you're French. Well, can I help her if I'm ignorant? A coup d'etat. Now, see here, old club-pudding. We've got you surrounded and outnumbered. Now, why any more needless fighting? All we demand is that you leave France forever. Well, I guess you're right. But where will I go? To leave my Josephine. To leave my France. Where shall I go? As far as I'm concerned, you can go to hell of a... As far as I'm concerned, you can go to hell of a... Enjoy tonight's show and we cordially invite you to be with us next Saturday evening at the same time when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. Del King speaking. Good night, everybody. Avalon Time comes to you from our Chicago studios. This is the National Broadcasting Company. W-E-A-F, New York. 9 p.m. B-U-L-O-V-A, Boulevard Watchtime. W-E-A-F, New York. Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sirs. Don't forget your change. You'd never guess, but Avalons cost you less. Welcome to Avalon Time with Red Foley Jeanette...