 Hey, Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show. Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure. Juckles with a carload and music by Matty Malnick. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, but Abbott and Lou Costello. Costello, here I am. What are you so excited about? Oh, I just finished playing my first game of football with the California Girls team. You play football with girls? Yeah. On the Girls team? Mm. I'll bet that's exciting. Oh, well, the playing ain't so exciting, but all of those huddles. I never heard of girls playing football. Where do they get their players? Oh, they pick the girls according to the shape. You know, quarterbacks, halfbacks, you ought to see those fullbacks. I'm going steady with the center. Is she pretty? Well, she's the next thing to Lauren Bacall. She is? Yeah, she looks like Humphrey Bogart. But she loves to play games. Last night we played Parcheasy. Parcheasy? Yes. First I would kiss her, and she would kiss me, and then I would kiss her. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who told her that was Parcheasy? I did. Ain't I a stinker? And instead of sitting home and playing silly games, why don't you take it to the movies? Oh, I tried to. I bought 14 tickets, but we couldn't get in. Why not? Every time I bought a ticket from the cashier, some guy in the uniform at the door would tear him up. Well, I don't know why a girl would bother you with a look with you in the first place. You're ugly, fat, dumpy, ignorant. Before you go any further, I want to say one thing. What's that? Don't go any further. When it comes to idiots, Costella, you can go to the head of the class. Thank you, Mr. Rabbit. And I sure worked hard enough to get there. That's what I thought. It's been all week. Monday my girlfriend gave me a fancy pink silk union suit all trimmed with lace. I wore a Tuesday and got hit by a car. They took me to the hospital. I'll never wear that union suit again. Why not? It took me three days and took myself out of the maternity ward. Pretty nice in the hospital. Nice. They sure did. Every day for dessert, I had a California Sunday. It's two scoops of 2D-free ice cream with pineapple, strawberry, apricots, prunes, peanuts, shoes, hand-nuts, whipped cream, and six maraschino cherries. And they serve it all in the hospitals now. Well, wait a minute. Why would any hospital want to serve concoctions like that? Can you think of a better place to get sick? Well, anyway, you had a good rest, Lou. Oh, no, I didn't. I didn't sleep a wink in that hospital. Well, how did you sleep on your right side or your left side? I sleep flat on my back. There you are. That's your trouble. People who sleep on their back all the time get their back out of shape and all crooked. You must sleep on your face. I. Well, while you're in the hospital, you should have consulted a psychiatrist, Lou. Psychiatrist. Yes. Any guy who would go to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. Right. Just tell her, how did you ever become such a complete idiot? I got friends in Washington. Right. You know, Abbot, they loved me in that hospital. One of the doctors introduced me to a beautiful nurse and she invited me to a party. Well, now that's very nice of her. I thought so. And now that you're out of the hospital, you should reciprocate. Definitely, because after all, could I have that again? Sure. I said reciprocate. Don't you always reciprocate after you've been invited to a party? That all depends on what they serve. No, no, no, Castella, reciprocate means to return a favor. For instance, a friend of mine got me a date with a beautiful blonde. I reciprocate. If he gets me a date with a gorgeous redhead, I reciprocate. Now, when somebody gets you a date with a beautiful girl, what do you do? I do the same thing you do, only I don't lie about it. Never mind that. What was that big package that arrived for you this afternoon? It's a new television set I bought for Uncle Mike. I got to go right back home and hook it up. Oh, what does your Uncle Mike want with a television set? He wants to see what Dr. IQ does with that woman in the balcony. Your Uncle Mike. All he does is listen to the radio. And now with a television set, he'll never get out of the house. Oh, Uncle Mike does all right. He enters all the radio contests. Last week he was in a contest for a beer company. He had a send in 25 beer bottle caps and a slogan. Well, did he write a good slogan? After 25 bottles of beer, he couldn't even see the paper. Well, anyway, radio is a wonderful thing, Castella. Just think it fills the air with voices and personalities of all the gorgeous Hollywood stars. What are you doing? Filling my lungs with Rita Hayworth. Rita Hayworth is all right. But she's just like any other girl. What do you mean? Well, take away her beautiful hair and her lovely complexion. What have you got? I don't know, but you can send it over to my house in the morning. You certainly love the California girls, don't you? Yeah, when I was back home in Paterson, New Jersey, I said to my mother, I said, Mom, take me out west where men are men and the women are. Women are what? That's all. Take me out west where women are. What makes you think the women in Hollywood go for you? Well, I'm a pretty regular guy and a pretty popular guy, Abbot. The day we moved to Los Angeles, I won a city-wide contest. A city-wide contest? What for? For being the widest guy in the city. And they give me a beautiful chicken as a prize. A Rhode Island purple. She lays 30 eggs a day. Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now, let's straighten this out. You mean a Rhode Island red? Abbot, when a chicken lays 30 eggs a day, she's purple. Castella, I've come to the conclusion that you're the most stupid man in the world. Even as a child, you were stupid. Oh, no, I wasn't. Back in Paterson, when I was only one year old, I proved that I was the smartest baby in town. How'd you do it? One day, I was playing around the stove. I picked up a red hot coal. Nobody had a tell me to put it down. Hey, Uncle Louis, Uncle Louis, pitch a couple to me, will ya? That's Abbot's nephew, folks. Norman, what do you do when dressed up in a baseball uniform? The baseball scene is nova. Oh, let him alone, Castella. Norman likes baseball. Yeah, yeah, I'm nuts about baseball. I play baseball all the time. I live baseball. I eat baseball. And when I go to sleep at night, I even dream of baseball. Don't you ever dream about girls? What? And this might turn it back? Right. Get out of here. Okay, but before I go, I'd like to tell ya, I sure like that moron tie you're wearing. You mean maroon tie? A moron is an idiot. Yeah, an only an idiot would wear that tie. Now, get out of here! Hey! I don't like that guy, Abbot. Right. All day long, he dreams about baseball. He ain't got no romance in his soul. Oh, so what? You don't know anything about romance, either. You should have been with me last night in a cozy living room, sitting room, sitting on a love seat. All the lights out, and it was pitch dark. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did you have a girl with you? Well, four. I'm not afraid of the dark. All right. Hello, boy. Hey, look, Castella. It's our lovely new secretary, Viola Vaughn. Chief Viola, you look lovely tonight. That's a gorgeous dress you're wearing. Oh, well, thank you. Do you think it brings out my curves? Does it? Yes. It curves here, and it curves there, and some of it don't even stay on the road. Now, talk, sense, Castella. Viola, how do you like California compared to New York? Well, it's wonderful, but the time confuses me. You know, California is the only state that still has daylight saving time. You know, that daylight saving time is kind of silly to me, too. You really don't save anything with daylight saving time. You don't? No. It's just like sitting down and what you're losing the front you're gaining the back. Never mind him, Viola. Viola, what do you hear from that uncle of yours in London? Oh, I received a postcard from my uncle this morning. He's having a fine time. He spent the weekend boating on the English Channel. Boating? My cousin, Vincent, swam across the English Channel under water. Under water. Well, that's preposterous. Any man who did that would drown. The funeral is Wednesday. Chief Viola, I'm glad you came to work for us. How about giving a little kiss? Oh, you Hollywood men are so impetuous. The first night you meet a girl you want to kiss. Well, I mean, a guy like me has to. They don't show up the second night. Oh, Viola, I've noticed you've been rather cool towards Castelli. You never put your arms around them enough. Well, I was sort of waiting until... Till you know me a little longer? No, till my arms get a little longer. By the way, isn't today your birthday, Viola? Yes, it is. I'm 18. Think of it. You're sweet 18. And I'm sweet 24. Well, what about me? Yeah, but you're a sour 65. Never mind that. You're a Chief Skate Castello. It's Viola's birthday and you didn't get her a present. Oh, that's all right, Castello. Even if you don't express your felicitations on my natal day with a tangible token of remembrance, I want you to know that I understand. Good. Now that you understand it, explain it to me. Viola Castello is very forgetful about birthdays. Last week was my wife's birthday and he didn't send her a present either. No, I didn't get your wife a present but don't forget I wrote her a poem. You wrote Abbott's wife a poem? Yes. How does it go? To Miss Betty Abbott. Your clothes are really awfully cheap and speaking of your sweater, give back the wool to those poor sheep. On them it looks much better. That's a terrible poem, Castello. Abbott's got a terrible wife. Now that's... You'll have to forgive Castello, Viola. He's ignorant and he's uneducated. Not just a minute, Abbott. That's not true. Because I went to school and I studied science. For instance, I know that the sun is five billion miles from the earth and the light from the sun comes down to the earth in exactly 30 seconds. Isn't that wonderful, Castello? What's wonderful about it? It's downhill all the way. Before we go back to work tonight, let's hear from our blonde cutie pie, little, little bitsy Virginia Maxie. Quante le guste, le guste, le guste, le guste, le guste, le guste, le guste. Quante le guste, le guste, le guste, le guste, le guste, le guste, le guste, le guste. Gotta get going, where we going, what are we gonna do? We're on our way to somewhere, the three of us and you. What do we see there? Who will be there? What will be the big surprise? There may be Caballeros with dark and flashing eyes. We're on our way. We're on our way. Pack up your pack. Pack up your pack. And if we stay. And if we stay. We won't come back. We won't come back. How can we go? Now someone said they just came back from somewhere. A friend of mine that I don't even know said there's lots of fun if we can get there. If that's the case, that's the plea. We want to go. We gotta get going, where we going, what are we gonna do? We're on our way to somewhere, the three of us and you. What do we see there? Who will be there? What will be the big surprise? There may be Caballeros with dark and flashing eyes. I'll take a train. You'll take the train. You take a boat. We'll take the boat. I'll ride a plane. You'll take the plane. You take the boat. We'll ride a plane. Quanta, le guste, le guste, le guste, le guste, le guste. Quanta, le guste, le guste, le guste, le guste, le guste. We're going. We're going, we're gonna have a happy child. All right, Castella, come out here. What's that you have in your hand? It's a picture of my grandfather, General Stonewall Castello. What a hero, Abbot. He fought in the Spanish-American War. Every time he went off to battle, all the girls in Paterson would line up to kiss him goodbye. Wait a minute. Every time he went to battle, all the girls in Paterson kissed him goodbye? Yes. The war ended in 1898. But they couldn't get Grandpa to stop fighting until 1935. He must have been some fighter. Yeah, she taught me to fight. I became quite a boxer. I remember my first fight. In the third round, my manager threw a towel in and I won. Well, wait a minute. How could you win if your manager threw in the towel? He threw it over my opponent's eyes. You're a dummy. You're no fighter. You're not an athlete. You're not an athlete in your whole family. Oh, yes, there is. My brother Pat is a famous athlete. Just last week, he pitched a no-hit game. Well, lots of guys have pitched no-hit games. In football. Castella, you and your brother Pat are the dopiest guys in the world. Yes, there ain't nobody a dopey than him and me. That's incorrect. You just say there's nobody a dopey than he and I. OK, there's nobody a dopey than him and you. Well, never mind that. How's Pat getting along with his new girl? Oh, well, for a while, he had it pretty tough. Every time Pat went over to see her, her brother would throw him out of the house. Last week, her brother went away to college and things are different. What do you mean? Now, her father throws him out of the house. Is Pat working? Oh, yes. He's got a job at a milk company and he works like a horse. What does he do? He pulls one of the wagons. Stella, what do you want, Norman? Are you going to do another one of them Sam Shovel misery programs tonight? Look, Norman, look at the script. That's mystery. I listen to the show, brother. It's misery. But if you don't keep that nephew out of here, I'm going to flatten him. I'll hit him in the head so hard that his shoes will have three tongues. I'll lay off him. Leave alone. Maybe he doesn't like your Sam Shovel program. Well, everyone else does. Now, here's a letter I got from one of my fans this morning. Listen to this. Dear Lukas Stella, I listened to your Sam Shovel director program last week. You were so funny, I left my head off. I'm coming to the studio to see you tonight. Miss Castello, there's a man out here to see you. What does he look like? How can I tell? His head is off. Well, enough of this nonsense, Castello. What does your Sam Shovel detective story about tonight? It's one of my greatest cases of it. I call it the case of the Russian diplomat who took the 6 PM boat back to Russia or red sails in the sunset. Well, that sounds interesting. Let's get on with the case. Fair enough. Now, the makers of Swanee River Cold Cream bring you the adventures of Sam Shovel, private detective. But first a word about our product. Swanee River Cold Cream is the only cold cream that contains peanut butter. Ah, what a time saving device this is. Ladies, now you can cream your face and have your lunch at the same time. And friends, remember, we can sell Swanee River Cold Cream cheaper than any other brand because we've done away with caustic containers. We use no tubes, no boxes, no jars. Just walk into your drugstore, ask for a Swanee River Cold Cream, and hold out your hand. Now for the further adventures of Sam Shovel, private detective. Yeah, I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel, private detective. The detective business has been lousy lately. I ain't got a nickel to my name. I guess it's just as well. How would a sound of people call me Sam Shovel nickel? Last night, somebody ransacked my office. They went over it with a fine tooth comb. I know they went over it with a fine tooth comb because this morning when I came in, the horse hairs sofa had a partner. I'm so mad I can see red. Hi, Sam. Hi, Red. In the office across the court, I see the beautiful stenographer combing her hair. She just combed out her bangs. I'm a little thirsty. I think I'll have some orange juice. I squeeze my orange juice the hard way. The hard way, I place the orange in my mouth, stick my head in the doorway, and slowly close the door. On my way to the office, I found a woman's handbag. I wonder what's in it. I decide to empty the contents on my desk. That takes care of the change purse. I wonder what's in the bag. I look at my appointment book. I see that tonight I have a date with a gorgeous peach. I think I'll break it and make a date with a girl. I look out the window in the garage across the street. The mechanic is working on a car. No matter what car comes in, he always races the motor. Coming up the street, I see my pile, Lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide Squad. What a cop. Whenever the police department makes a raid, Lieutenant Abbott is a spearhead. Not that he's so brave, but he's the only cop in the department with a head like a spear. Abbott is a quiet cop. Every Sunday, he sits home and listens to the radio. He's trying to win the jackpot and stop the music. He's trying to win it the hard way. The hard way, he has no telephone. It's a chilly day, and I've got a fire going in the kitchenette of my little office. There's a kettle boiling on the stove. Hello, Sam Shevel. What's that smell coming from your kitchenette? It's my washing. I thought it smelled too good to be your cooking. I'm already tired, Sam. So are your jokes. I'm really tired. I just been out on a wild goose chase. What were you chasing? A wild goose. Lieutenant Abbott used to be a comedian. He tried to make a living. He tried to make a living with his monkey shines. He had to give it up. There's no money in shining monkeys. Lieutenant Abbott, I've got bad news for you. Your cook was picked up this morning for passing a bad check. Whose check was it? Yours. That's not funny, Sam Shevel. You wanted a friend of mine? I'd punch you in the nose. I knew Lieutenant Abbott was only bluffing. He couldn't punch his way out of a paper bag. But that don't worry him after all. Well, how often do you get stuck in a paper bag? Well, we've got the small town talk, Sam. Lefty Lump Head is in town and he's gunning for you. I know that, Lieutenant. I've already notified the police. They've thrown a net over the city. I'll call headquarters and see how they're making out. Hello, Chief. Yes? This is Sam Shevel. Have you got that net out for Lefty Lump Head? Yes. How's the net working? Did you catch Lefty yet? No, the net's working fine. Already we've caught three butterflies. Sam, this is really serious. Lefty Lump Head is a killer. He's out to get you. He may be on his way here now. And I know you're afraid of him. Me, afraid of Lefty Lump Head, piss-tush. I'd like to see the day I'd be afraid of him. Oh, Sam, this is the day. Before me stood the toughest killer on the coast. When he was eight years old, he shot his father and mother. Then he asked the judge for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan. What a tough mug. He's got cauliflower ears. Never was a fighter. It's just that his ears was made out of cauliflower. I noticed Lieutenant Abbott's hand reached for his holster. Abbott's gun barked. Okay, coppers. I got you covered. Sam Shevel, I got one bullet in this gun. It's for you. I'm going to give you a break, Sam. I'll put that bullet wherever you say. If it's all the same to you, put it in Lieutenant Abbott. You're a pretty clever lefty, Lump Head. You're one of the smartest burglars in the business, but there's something I want to ask you. How is it you've never been caught robbing a house? Ah, it's easy. It's easy. I only rob houses on Thursday nights. Why did you pick Thursday nights? Because Abbott and Castellaw are on the air Thursday nights, and brother, when they're on the air, nobody stays home. Lefty, that's a lie. Abbott and Castellaw are on right now. I'll prove it's a lie by checking with the police department. Hello, police department. Can you tell me... We ain't got time to talk to you now. Why? Every house in town is being robbed. I had taken all I could stand from that killer. Quick as a flash, I pulled my gun. Sam, Lefty is seriously wounded. Your bullet went through her shoulder. Call the hospital. What have you done? What have you done? Sam Shevel, you shot my boyfriend. Lefty's girl, the most gorgeous mall in the underworld. She's beautiful. Look, he's bleeding. Call the hospital. He's the only boyfriend I've got, and he's liable to die. Call the hospital. If he dies, who's gonna love me and squeeze me and kiss me? Call the morgue. Well, Castellaw, I gotta give you credit. You're in there pitching tonight. Yes, and I'd like to give a little credit to our team, Abbott. Everybody knows I'm always pitching, and Abbott, you're always catching. But we got other players on a team. Oh, sure. What's on second? No, no, no, no, no. No, we're not gonna start that. I just wanted to say that our writing staff is headed by Eddie Forman with Paul Conlon, Pat Costello, Martin Raghaway and Len Stern. That's right. And Maddie Malnick, Lisa Bann. And all this nonsense is put together by our producer, Charles Vander. And we'd love to have you all with us again next Thursday night. Thanks to them for working, and thanks to you for listening. I'll be back next Thursday night. Good night, folks. Good night. We'll be back with more writing and paddling tonight. Listen, it's Thursday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.