 is porn ruining my life and we hear this all the time you know especially as a coach and actually I just got an email about this and what has inspired this video but it's porn ruining my ruining my life I've moved into a sense of sexual dysfunction I have the ability to meet women but I can't get it up I have an ill view on women I have an ill view on sex and it is built up such an insecurity in me that I cannot perform and the reason why I'm making this video is because we get this question a lot at TSL and I wanted to make it specifically for the 21 convention and to promote their new coaching page you can go to the 21convention.com slash coaching find out more about me about TSL online the different workshops that I offer in terms of this and just ask for Steve Mayer and find out a bunch of other cool coaches in general but we hear is porn ruining my life all the time and at TSL we have tons and tons of people what we are is where a men's group that you know looks at socializing sex being a healthier person being a better expression of yourself and what we were born to be finding our true nature of sexuality there isn't any shame in it that if we can get back to that we can find health and freedom and beauty and all the awesome things that we wanted we have a little bit of a different take at it and we've had a consistency of men who've been a part of TSL online and been a part of our men's groups who've come in with a sexual dysfunction with porn whether they can't get it up being the most common one or man you know hatred towards women a a poor view on sex a poor view on god just what sex is supposed to be and what's supposed to give pleasure and all that sort of stuff but our different take comes with this because of course porn is a distortion porn is a total misrepresentation of what sex is what humanity is what intimacy is but there's something about it that does connect with us and guess what when we look a little bit deeper about what we are born to be what our nature is men are born to be and this is what I truly believe if every man if you watching this if every woman is offered the opportunity in a way to be the best version of themselves to be sexually happy to be a good man that's not reliant on anger and pistofness and judgment and all these confines and rules that you know a lot of us rely on in order to have a sex life we take it we take that opportunity we take that opportunity to be the best version of ourselves but see what else is a distortion is all of this our society our culture how we're supposed to communicate that we're supposed to walk by people hundreds a day maybe just a hundred and not acknowledge their presence that we're supposed to subjugate or suppress actually I should say our emotions what we feel what we want our urges to connect to do what's better to have more status to have more connection and in fact pickup is a reaction to this distortion feminism is a reaction to this distortion the men's rights movement which I think all men and women should fight for their rights but feminism is not that it's anger it's a blame it's regulation it's repression it's how things have to be because I was victimized the men's rights movement is just as ridiculous you know men have been oppressed by feminism men have been yada yada yada you know and we need to fight back and stand up and yada yada yada if we can't we have to take it and all the sort of bullshit right here's the deal when we get to born to be social born to be sexual what it comes down to is that I need to be intimate with somebody I need to connect with somebody I need to be me with somebody and feel that and sex has all sorts of different forms it has all sorts of different expressions some which might be porn like some which might have intimacy some which might have connection but here's what it is and this is all it will ever be it is not bragging to your friend it is not a certain move it is not a set of rules or a set of ideas it's you being turned on aroused sexual with another person and feeling that other person intimately and wholly having them affect you and you affect them and so what we say when guys come to us with porn addiction and actually it's kind of an interesting thing because when it comes to addiction uh man so much of tsl revolves around that you know whether that's chemical addiction gambling addiction food sex yada yada yada but it's so prevalent in our culture because our culture encourages us to man you know move into that sort of mindset of obsession and compulsion towards something outside of ourselves that will make us happy is that we say if you think it's about the porn and if you think it's about stopping watching the porn if you think it's about the neurotransmitters that porn rewrites in your head and you don't think it's about the neurotransmitters that are rewritten in your head saying that somebody should be an object for your own success and pleasure and not about getting back into the empathy of everyday actions of being social and sexual you will remain in that dysfunction you will still not to be be able to get hard your life will turn into a novelty act of sex acts and expressions of what you think they're supposed to be rather than being in touch with you but if you can start taking on and this is a long-term process you know tsl the men's group we talk we meet 16 to 20 hours a day on calls it's international it's amazing we get into all sorts of different stuff that is very deep and personal but if we start making it about saying hello to somebody start making it about giving people hugs start making it about getting to understand somebody and start making it about not having to judge or objectify them or have a certain sort of rating or qualification before we actually talk to them and start making it about what you were born to be to be social then we can start learning what it means to be you then we can start learning what it means to have authenticity about having connection about being what it is to be a man in that way rather than living in an archetype stop trying to be the hero stop trying to be the alpha stop trying to be all this shit so that finally you'll get man the alleviation to the validation that you're looking for man a huge tsl principle and even that fits in with this porn addiction thing is is if we look for the solution within the problem we'll never find it the problem shows us where the pain is the loneliness is the sexual dysfunction the feeling of inadequacy the the physical pain in our body but if we look for the solution based off the reaction to that pain man that's pickup that's feminism that's you know the search for men's rights that's the anger that's the blame that's the resentment but in the empathy in the exchange and what we were really meant to do man there is a solution in that and i'll tell you this it takes months and months of you know guys getting involved in this but after three months maybe six months nine months depending on where you're at and how much time you have to work through this man we have hundreds of guys in fact every guy who goes through our program because of our society you know sexual dysfunction is is normal if there have been times or a few times or many times or every time that you haven't been able to get an erection premature ejaculate or you know feel uncomfortable about sex that's normal stop making yourself different you know one of the biggest tools and leverage of addiction of of man mental illness is isolation and thinking that you are different but when it comes down to sex here's the deal stop making sex about the orgasm stop making sex about the erection stop making sex about what it's supposed to be and start making sex about how you feel the person in front of you about how they influence you how they change you how they make you feel how you give them pleasure and it's not an easy answer just eat their pussy but be okay without an erection be okay with already ejaculating and believe me don't get me wrong man that's why we have a men's group every time we don't perform how we wanted to in any way that could be physically or physi physiologically or it could be emotionally every time sex doesn't work out or sink up in the ways that our urge really drew us towards it feels bad it feels terrible i mean it's a huge weight that comes upon us it's almost impossible to find the beauty and expression in it but our job is a man isn't to find blame or a woman isn't to find blame anger resentment judgment justification confinement order into manufacture or commodify sexuality in that moment or in our pain or in our not knowing what to do but guess what it's to do is to find our beauty to find our connection to find how we sync up with that and when we can start getting experiences like that where we can connect with a woman where we can connect even when we're not feeling what everybody says we're supposed to look for that beauty find it and cultivate it that's how we get sexually healthy man it's a beautiful thing if you're interested in what we're talking about or even if you want to guest on one of tsl's calls tsl online or the different workshops we have plenty of live workshops that are five days long ten days long where we work on sex specifically where we work on connection where we work on cultivating to be the better man that isn't pickup that isn't this ridiculous crap of what sex is supposed to be man go to the 21 convention dot com slash coaching ask for steve mayeda and they'll tell you all about it and of course you can find all these other amazing coaches there that are really at the top of their field and what they offer in any case you're born to be sexual you're born to be social you're born to be you never be ashamed of that and i guarantee you the more men and women get in touch with what our true potential is to feel that to be a sexual being man we never live the way we do