 Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, if you got two hands, I want you to use both of them and clap real loud and bring two. If you don't have two, I want you to hit your chest. No, turn this up, turn this up. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, my man, Leonard Oots. If you're good to be home, I've seen niggas. I ain't seen them so long. I ain't seen nigga boy. I went by my first plug house. That nigga still selling weed, but he done upgraded what he's selling though. I like, I just need a nick. He like, I don't do nicks no more. It's either 3.5 or better. I miss my drug dealers. See, I smoke weed. I'm a weed smoker. I was living in L.A. And people think that buying weed in L.A. is fun. It's whack. You ever been to a dispensary? That shit is the worst place on earth because they do everything opposite that you do as a real nigga buying weed. They first off, you buying from white people. You go to a specific building, they got security, it's cameras. Nigga, you buying it on camera? You smile, you got to give them your card. Nigga, I ain't never bought weed with no card. I'm like, I don't wait for your receipt. Like, nah, you know what, just burn that. I like buying weed from niggas. I love buying weed from a nigga you don't know in the middle of the mall. You scared, he's scared. You can tell when a drug dealer's scared, they be like, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Why they do that with their hand? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. He start asking, who that? Nigga, we in the cafeteria. I don't know who is who. One nigga got samples, I think it's orange chicken, I don't know. I hate a scared drug dealer, they hold the process up. Hold on, hold on, you know, I can't be out here like that. But bitch, you out here like that. I had a nigga so scared one time he did some shit, I ain't never seen. He was like, hold on, hold on, I can't walk off, walk off, walk off. This is my first time, I ain't know what to do. I follow this nigga, I don't know where we going. Can we stop by Best Buy, I gotta get a game first. Just drop the weed nigga, I'm tired, just drop the weed. Probably by my weed from a nigga, I know I can guilt this nigga. Like come on bro, I'm tired, I know you was going to check right here. You just like your daddy boy, you be on it. This is where you strong too. This is where you had, you doing some shit you weren't supposed to do in public. Make you feel comfortable and you weren't supposed to be comfortable outside. I was so high a few weeks ago in the club, I ate one of my boogers in the middle of the club. It was a big booger too, I pulled it out like, you ever had a front be dry but the back be wet? That shit slap my lip, I licked it a little. I'm the only one eat that booger still. Everybody ain't eatin' ass and pussy and dick, but don't nobody eat their own boogers. You ever pull a booger out your nose so big you breathe different after? You taste the air, you like, oh it's gonna rain next Thursday, it's a wind chill coming from the Northeast region. I'm a weed smoker, weed smoker, I can't, they don't want me to don't smoke weed. Females don't smoke weed or the devil. You know I ain't lying, as soon as you like the blunt this bitch lungs collapse, like bitch we outside, relax. My ex used to get on my fuckin' nerve, I don't know why you gotta smoke so much cause bitch you talk so much. Don't talk shit about the weed, the weed make me like you more. When I get high, like the kids we can cuddle, you can talk, I listen. I mean really listen to like, damn so Keisha said well. See they don't appreciate you at their job, I told you that. My ex was religious too, super religious, I ain't like that. I don't like that, like I'm religious but I ain't, you know, I didn't get to pick my religion so I ain't too tired to it. I was a kid and I was taking the church. I didn't just like, oh let's go to church today, that wasn't me. Jesus said, God said. I appreciate the Lord but you ain't finna use him like a gun just to get you away. God said, you ain't supposed to do that. Why every time I want some pussy, God said something. God didn't say nothing about that pussy. I had a girl do that one time a few years ago, she was at my crib, I had licked the left titty and everything, so you know the left one, that's the freaky titty, I licked it and we was finna get, we was finna get going and she was like, you know what, I don't think I can do this. This ain't in the Bible, God didn't want us to do, I was like, I was like, all right, cool, I relax and she got up and walked towards the door and I sat on the couch on TV young and then she was like, she was like, you not gonna walk me to my car? I was like, God got you? You read the Bible, even though you shall walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you shall fear no evil. You gonna get to your car fine, it'd be my luck cause I'm a heathen, I walk you to your car and I get robbed on my way back. Come on now, walk how you talk, don't be trying to half way do it, now Jesus said, now he didn't. That's why me and my ex broke up cause when she wanna win an argument, now God said this, she wanna get married, I'm like, I do wanna get married at some point, she was like, well, and I'm like, my only thing is we gotta live together first. I'm not marrying somebody I ain't never lived with. Well, that sound crazy to say, in 2022, I'm not marrying nobody I ain't never lived with. Shit, that's not in the Bible, God don't want you shacking up. He's like, God never got married, who ain't married? Let's keep it a hundred, God, the first baby daddy. He came out and tore that man woman up and then left. Didn't he come to the baby shower or nothing? Everybody who's at the baby shower, nigga shower from all over the world, the Jesus baby shower, niggas from Jerusalem, Bethlehem, three niggas from Portsmouth. God was looking down his burberry sweater on like, damn, that shit look lit. I ain't Christian, I believe in it, but I also believe, I wouldn't have hung out with Jesus. I would not have hung out with Jesus. I say it again, because I know some of y'all, I can't believe you, I would not have hung out with Jesus. And how he gonna affect my life if he ain't around me? Don't nobody ever think about that? Oh, he was on Lord and Savior, he gonna keep you from, how if he ain't around? I know he don't wanna hang with me, I like hoes. I love, I wish I would have a room full of hoes and I go to the bathroom and come back and these bitches are like, you right Jesus, we need to get our shit to get. Jesus, let me talk to you in my office. Because I'm from the car, your father need to go and call you home because there's some bullshit. Went to church, vacation Bible school, all of that, I believe in the Bible. I also believe the Bible is very creative. It's a story, it go from here to there, it got songs, it got scriptures, poems. Who wrote the Bible? Don't nobody know. They might have been high, you don't know. You're not creative, you gotta be the right something like that. There's some of the stories, the character gotta be high or you gotta be high reading the story for the story to make sense. Most is in the burning bush. What other bush you set on fire and talk to other than we? Exactly, I almost quit my job one time the blunt start talking to me. I mean, I'm finna get the fuck up out of here. The blunt say, boy, if you leave, you can't, you can't buy no more of me. I'm like, damn. Let me go clock back in, let me go clock back in. How about no one to arc? Don't nobody ever talk about Noah. You telling me Noah built a whole arc with no Ikea instructions? And then he went in the jungle and got two with every type of animal. You know how high you gotta be to do inventory in the jungle? You telling me he called two lions, two tigers, two bears, two flavorflaves, come on man. You telling me Noah called two butterflies? Two butterflies, so now either Noah gotta be high or mentally handicapped because they the only people that can touch butterflies. Now if you ain't laughing, fuck you, your regular ass never caught no butterfly. So I was that kid in the neighborhood that bite other kids. He spent a round like this in the middle of the street. His hands be sweaty as hell. He done caught the butterfly and drowned the butterfly. He walk around drinking the shit. What the fuck is you drinking? It's butterfly juice. I know I said a buzzword, handicap. When you hear handicap, boy, it ain't nothing funny now. I got handicapped people all in my family. Something wrong with everybody in my family. I got an uncle that's handicapped. I got a cousin that's gay. I got another cousin that's mentally handicapped. I'm fat, nigga. It's something wrong with everybody in, feel bad for nobody. I know these motherfuckers. My cousin still be fuckin'. My uncle still, my uncle be gettin' pussy. And he got one of them little arms that people be talkin' about. They call it a chicken wing but I don't like that. Cause you can open a chicken wing. This nigga can't open this. I don't call it a chicken wing. I call it the coin slide. You ever had to do laundry? You put like a dollar fifth in it and then you push that slide in? That boy's slide stuck. This nigga, this nigga's supposed to be foldin' clothes but you got this shit. Still got a dollar fifth. We're for washin' dry. I got a pair of jeans I ain't seen in two years cause this nigga arm can't come back. I got a gay cousin. He been gay since we was kids. True story, that nigga consistent. I used to tell my uncle all the time, you know, you can't whip him. He like that. Don't nobody get a whip with their back arch. Come on now, like that's... Gay people nowadays so strong. We don't put them through so much bullshit. We don't went through so many phases with gay people. We really ain't shit for real, for real. Remember early 2000s, if you was gay, oh, he gay, get the kids, hide the kids. He gay. Didn't remember, we tried to trick him. Like, if you gay, it's okay. It's not really okay. We just saying that to see. We just saying that to see who gonna say they gay. Remember we said gay people was confused. Remember that? What's going on with cousin Tony? Tony just a little confused. He trying to figure shit. Tony like dick, he ain't confused. He liking so much, he skip about it. You know how much you gotta like something to skip? I tell you what's confusing, sex is what's confusing. At least how they teach it to us. We all learn about sex, the same dumb ass where they use a stupid ass analogy that don't make sense to nobody. The birds and the bees. When you ever seen a pregnant bird with a bee baby daddy, please tell me. Cause you know you'd have seen that episode of Mori. What? That episode of Mori? It started with the bird tripping. Roar. Mori. Stingers don't even run in my family, Mori. He got a stinger in the bee-bill. Like, zzzz, zzzz, zzzz, zzzz, zzzz, zzzz, zzzz. Yo Mori, I got to the bitch nest. It was mad pollen already there. Who pollen was that? Like, Mori be like, okay. In the case of three month old bumble bird. You are not the fuck. Yeah, I told y'all that bitch a dirty bird. She a falcon. I won't fuck with these crows. I got me a bad lil' blue jay at the crib right now. They is hard. Cause I'm fat and I'm cute. It be hard. It be cause I'm always the first fat boyfriend. I be having to teach them shit. Like how to make my plate. I remember I was at this girl's house one time and she brought me my plate and she was holding it regular like it was like, like that's not, that's, that ain't mine. You bring my plate, my plate. You supposed to have to balance that motherfucker. I know when my plate, she put it down and she didn't lick her thumb. You supposed to have to lick your thumb cause she was holding the baked beans on. You supposed to drop my plate and the other plates get scaled off. He got collard greens. These in shape yoga mat carrying motherfucker. Never wake up to shit cooking. Never wake up to bae. You ever been woken up to smell of food? Your stomach hard as hell. Ooh, your stomach like nigga get up. Get up nigga. Something going on. Huh? Huh? I wake up to a blender. Heeeey. Babe, come get a quinoa smoothie. Bitch, I'mma kill myself. Women want spontaneous shit. You gotta know yourself. This ain't a spontaneous body. Sometimes I need to know you want to fuck. I can wash these balls again. Cause I'mma do shit. You're gonna want to something. We're gonna go out. We're gonna have fun. We're gonna go shopping. I buy your son some shoes or something. Kid shoes, we 62 dollars. I do that in number the eighth. Ain't nothing but the eighth or some good shit. One time I was hanging out with this chick. She was like, you know, this how you know a chick wants you to spend some money. You were such a real nigga. Oh my God. So let's go to the bathroom. I wanna suck your dick. I was like, ahh. It's good as that sound. We've been walking around this mall for two hours. Baby, this dick stank. And anybody with balls in here know what I'm talking about. That motherfucker get the stank in. Do you ever go to the bathroom to pee? You pull your dick out. You're like, did I pull my dick on my ass? What the fuck? Cause the back of them balls, right where that thigh at. That little moist area. That little condensation. That little gook. You know what I'm talking about? That little salamander spit that be back there. That little salamander spit that be back there. You know what I'm talking about? That little salamander spit that be back there. Cause it ain't no regular liquid. You could do like this with sweat. That shit, you gotta find a brick somewhere. Come on. Let's go to the bathroom, baby. This dick lemon pepper wet right now. Yo blood pressure gonna go through the roof. Trying to date me. You wanna like somebody. I wanna like somebody. I want that old school, that peer, that third grade, fourth grade. I'll kill myself. You don't read my note like. Remember that elementary school, that middle school love me. You was like, I'll kill me. This bitch don't come to class today. I'm gonna kill myself. I know I ain't the only one. You be like, what kid's that? No, no. Miss Johnson called the kid's house. Miss Johnson, she all right. Cause I can't do the rest of this semester if she ain't gonna be here. You ever got, you ever write a note? Remember the notes? I never really did the check box. I did that one time. But I, it was like, do you like me? Yes. And that was it. Cause I ain't, I'm gonna give you an option to say no bitch. Yes. I like you. So that means you like me, mother. My notes was more lyrics. I'll write a bitch a song quick. What boy? Oh, I'm trying to tell you, Joe never let me down. You remember Joe, ball head Joe. Boy, my note, I wanna know, I wanna know what turns you on. I like to know. Well, but I used to write freaking notes too. I got caught one time, my teacher made me read a note and I told her all about, look, just gonna send me home. You don't want me to read this note. Class gonna be over if I read this note. She ain't less, you know, sometimes you like, I know that you ain't gonna be able to get in my fuckers calm down after this. She's like, no, you wanted to take your time to write that note. Come on up here and share what you wrote. I'm like, all right. Girl, give me that pussy. My homeboys in the back are like, oh, oh, oh, girl, give me, girl. She said, get out of the classroom. I said, you don't want to tell me to read the note, bitch. Told you didn't want me to read this. Worst day that, it wasn't even a bad day. It was just, she ain't let me know where we was going. I had a chick take me to the aquarium. Yeah, like what the fuck we had to the aquarium and you ain't saying we going to the aquarium. I'm in the parking lot thinking we finna get something to eat. I just smoked two blunts. I walk in, I see a big ass tank full of fish. In my mind, I'm like nigga, Hibachi. I'm all on the glad, do, do, do. Yeah, let me get the nigga with the scales. Yeah, we going to flambé him. My little sister dating. My little sister dating, she's 25. She just built her own house. Yeah, doing her thing, sucking dick. She built her own house. I mean, I've had to suck dick in her house and outside. Like some of y'all sisters, none of us plan. I met her boyfriend, her boyfriend like 6'2", 240, all muscle. That's how quiet I got when this nigga walked in the house. She had an ear to ask me, well, what would you do if he hit me? What would you do if he hit you? I'ma do whatever you do. You scream, I'ma scream. I ain't no punk. Oh, you know, I was raised right. You don't put your hands on a woman. And if you see something, you say something. They ain't say do nothing. I done did my part. Cause I done said something before and it almost fucked my life up. I used to open for Tony Rock. When I first started doing comedy, I used to open for Tony Rock. And we'd go out after shows. We in the club one night, we in Cleveland. I'll never forget. I'm drinking out of smoked a blunt and then dude just slapped this girl in the middle of the club. Boop! And I'm high. I had an out of body experience. Cause my body went over there, but my mind was like, nah, nigga, nah. My body went on the bottle over there, the bottle in the holes over here. I'ma, I gotta stop this. You ever try to, cause I'm tough, but like tough and then being aggressive is two different things. People never think about that. Yeah, you can defaculate, defend myself, but I don't want to scare. I'm not trying to scare nobody. Until it's time to scare somebody and you can't do it. You ever try to say something tough to somebody that is tough? And then they say something back and it's like, oh shit. I was in dude face. I really didn't know what to say. I ain't really had all together. I was like, hey, bro, you know you're not supposed to put your hands on these females like that. He said, no, I hit niggas too. I said, damn. I didn't know he was hitting everybody. They didn't tell me he was hitting everybody. They told me that the door was ladies' night. I thought he was only hitting women. Now I'm scared cause I'm a nigga, but I got titties too. I don't know if he gonna hit me twice. Is it carry over slaps? He hitting me and every woman. This nigga by slap tool. He went to school for this. He got a degree. He went to ICDC. He was on that commercial from here. You can go anywhere. Nigga had on a white tee with black forces. I knew he was up to no good. From Chesapeake. That's the career. I grew up in a Navy town. It's a Navy town, so it's like, I'll be understanding racism, but I don't get it cause I grew up around everybody. I got to do all my favorite shit with everybody. No matter what you do, black, white, Asian, Hispanic, other, whatever else there is. I don't even know the name for the name. I don't know all the races. Every day is a new race. I'm black a lot. I'll get you a lot. I'm black a lot. I learned a lot about white people fast just because I was around them. Black people grow up thinking shit about white people that ain't true. Black people really think that because you got white friends, they treat you better than your black friends and that's not true. The truth is, white people treat you like friends, black people treat you like family. I can prove it. You a white dude, right? You got to ask. You be like, no, I'm actually Puerto Rican. It's like, all right. I came over your house tonight. You probably make me a drink, right? I come over tomorrow. You probably make me a drink. All right. You come to my house tonight. I'm going to make you a drink. You come tomorrow. Motherfucker, you know what I'm saying. I don't mean no harm, but I don't work for you. Damn sure not in my house. You know what I mean? Little things that we think that ain't true. Like black kids grow up thinking white kids don't get whoopas. That's not true. Black kids don't get as many whoopas because they get mental beatings. I'm for real. That's why white kids be in therapy at nine. Why you late to school tanning? I had therapy this morning. How you went therapy at nine? Black folks, we just now thinking about mental health. You 30 just now like, man, maybe, maybe something wrong. Because every time he says, mama, I'm feeling, but take your ass to your room. Now you in your room talking to yourself, I should kill myself. Yeah, you should. That's why I'm here to bridge the gap. White kids get mental. I got a white friend named Tanner. I really hung out with Tanner. Tanner fucked up one day in school. I don't know what he did, but his daddy got to tripping. His daddy was tripping. He was like, you know what, Tanner? This is some real malarkey pal. He was like, you know what? Jesus, age Christ. I was like, nigga, Jesus got a middle name. He was like, you got everybody in the house. Everybody in the family's mad at you. I was like, damn, this is what he said. This is what he said, fuck me up. He was like, you know what, Tanner? You should go to your room. I don't even want to see your face. I said, ooh, he said, you know what, matter of fact, I want you to think about this. Your grandfather's probably turning over in this grave right now. I said, damn. Because I started thinking, what can you actually do for somebody to turn over in their grave for a nigga to be dead and be like, it's nigga here. God, damn. Because I started thinking, my great daddy got to fucked up here. So somebody got to dig this nigga up and flip him over. I might as well just get my shit together. But you don't know if you're not there. I was there. I was there for them sleepovers. You ever spend a night over somebody's white house? Yeah, it's nothing. Boy, that shit's amazing, ain't it? The whole head is, the white experience is different. Tanner House was different. First off, white parents just tough. I don't know. Do y'all not be stressed? Do y'all not? I know. White people live with no stress. Like, you're not white, nigga. Anyway, just shut your ass up. Let me get through this. Yeah, we stress. He's a nigga. He black, but he identify as a nigga. So how he don't even know where race he is. This nigga sleep. Yeah, we stress. Nigga, I know you stress. You black and got dressed. Nigga, you like your name Jamal. Nigga, I know. They I do you everywhere you go. The usher in church. Hold on, nigga. Hold on. We need to sing. Like I was saying. Because white, white parents be so spontaneous. Black parents not spontaneous. You got a plan to sleep over. You got had two good, two, three good progress reports. Your mama start asking you shit, my can I have sleepover? Did you clean my baseballs? Bitch, baseballs. Who the fuck clean the baseball? Anybody eating off the baseballs? The whole house. I got to walk around the whole house scrubbing the floor. White parents just be like, you know what, Tanner? We won the soccer game. Sleep over. Sleep over. Tell all your friends. Tanner be like, you want to stay the night? I'm like, yeah, I want to. Like go ask your mom. I'm like, I had some shit happening earlier today. We was in the grocery store. I touched some shit I wasn't supposed to touch. We got to let her let her simmer down. My daddy been fucking up to, you know, it's a family. Everything. It's a family decision. I got to hold on. Want me to go ask for you? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. She don't really... I try to cover with excuses why I can't go. I don't even got no clothes. You got a lawsuit found in my house. Why you like Tanner, I don't need to worry your size. I don't worry. It's a big end tall section. In the law some finding your house. White parents, coming there. Which, what we doing guys? My momma say the same shit. What y'all think she's doing in there? Y'all better quiet that down. For what start sending folks home. God. Dam. You suspended people from the house? My momma make you not even feel welcome. Ten a day, like, just send them. Now, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna take them home now. He come take a shower. We can feed them. My momma, the opposite, make sure you feed them before he come. We ain't got no extra rags. And your son don't really be, you know, they hurt. We be at school stinking a little bit. We need him to. You can make noise at ten a house all night. It's like, it's the matrix over there. Nobody work. Nobody got to go to work in the morning. They just over there. They just live there. It's three in the morning. We run out of house playing tag. I hear ten a day go, ten of what in Tarnation's? I'm like, what the fuck is Tarnation's? Ten of, like, my bad dad, we're just playing a game of tag. Dad was like, without me? He said, I got something for you, busters, because I meant one, two. They took off running. I froze. Honestly, I didn't know what to do, because I had never heard no black parent count up. No, but they will count down on your ass fast, won't they? My momma used to do the gangster chore count down. You ever had your momma count down from five and name some shit that better magically be done? She thought I was threatening the whole house. Like, y'all got five seconds to be in that bed, because if I got to get out of my bed, I'm whooping everybody ass. That's your ass, your daddy ass, your sister, the dog bed, not roof, roof, nothing. Five. And your clothes better be ironed for school in the morning, too. Four. And your teeth better be brushed. Three. And it better be some gas in my cock, for there ain't no motherfucking gas in my cock. I don't even pump gas, I'm in kindergarten. Got to go about my old job today. I had fun. Ain't nothing better than going about your old job. Yeah, you know, I don't work here no more. Yeah, yep, still ain't shit in here. I used to have fun, I used to have fun. I used to work at IHOP. I used to be a server at IHOP. You know how hard it is to smoke weed, be big, and take orders? Because I'd be shut your dumb ass up. God damn, and you got Tourette's or something? That boy came here with a suit shirt to say, no, yes, you all right? You good, what you drinking? You said you got abs? Well, I don't give a fuck. I like not having abs. I like when niggas like you girlfriend suck my dick and they head keep hitting my stomach. I can't stand my nigga. I'm like, yeah, I know. Oh, you slow, I'm sorry, my bad. Oh, he's slow. Why y'all put the slow nigga in the front? Yo, your man slow for real, bro. Like, he slow? What y'all was smoking? Because you high, but you quiet. This nigga high, this nigga. He got that Ray Charles lean. Georgia. You good? Nah, he's not. I didn't ask you nothing. I didn't ask that nigga, nothing. I swear, I came up with nothing to say nothing to nobody this nigga. Here with these little earthworm braids. I'll be trying. I got cameras in here, nigga, and you come to act the fool today. God damn. What nigga, what you what, what? That's why I don't like skinny niggas, but skinny niggas don't respect nothing. Oh, one plate eating ass, nigga, shut up. Nothing better nigga want to sit in the front and talk. Put the camera on this nigga. You want the camera on you? Is that what it is? You want some showtime? That's why you gotta make sure. Black fathers, stand your sons like. We need you in our community more than ever now. Because if you ain't home to teach your son not to say shit at the front show of a comedy show, that ain't coming here. Like, he work at the Cheesecake Factory outfit. That boy's supposed to bring some pasta in this motherfucker. Now I go back to what I said with my friends. If I had my white friend, I'd have sat right there. White friend would have been like, I'm sorry, go ahead, continue. You didn't even want to argue. You ever had to calm yourself down? Alright, hold on, let's relax. We had a good day. It was sunny today. You almost got some head, that count for some. You ever almost got some pussy, like, well I had a good day, almost. Almost. Her son kept calling, not almost. How your son calling? He three, he be on his tablet. This nigga is too advanced. This nigga calling while you suckin dick. You on a tablet? I been know how to pull up Instagram. This nigga on the tablet calling, people making orders. That single mama pussy be good. It be stressful sometimes. You ever try to help that? Like, I can't find a baby, so let me see who I know. No, I know somebody. My homeboy, he'll come over there while he going. Now he might serve a couple ounces out your crib. You know it's expensive, you don't know it. I don't know where it would be. I like cart. First off, I didn't know what that meant at first. I would eat and all that. First off, the steak was $12, but the size was $82. Why the fuck, it's like the more ingredients that come in the size, the more expensive it be. Like, you want spinach, it's $3. Cream spinach, nigga, $83. I'm like, why is everything is I like cart? I don't even know I like to be put that shit in my cart. I'm Christian. That's why I love blowing shit up, because y'all expensive than a motherfucker. You tired of this? I did too, real Christian, that shit was hitting. $3.34 for all four, y'all. Oh, yeah, y'all was in there eating. That's why that boy Belly looked like that. That boy sitting there, that boy linked back like a motherfucker. Hey, what y'all had? I liked the stuffed chicken. Lamb. You said lamb like that was the lamb. Yeah, see, it's people like you. See, you don't eat at IHOP though, do you? You love IHOP? What you get there though, regular shit, right? Just pancakes. Okay, that's breakfast though. IHOP got certain shit on the menu. First off, they got a full menu. It's four pages, it should just be one. Just pancakes. IHOP got certain shit on there that's just decoration, just filler. Yeah, they got T-bones, but if you don't got health insurance, nigga... One day it's how arrogant she acted that threw me off. She was like, um, yes. I would like the T-bone. When the workers go, hmm... Can you tell the chef I like it medium rare? The dude at the whole table was like, she say chef? I'm like, yeah, she tripping, hold on. I got this, I got this. Like, first off, you want your T-bone from IHOP? That's where this joke should end. I'm gonna need you to sign this health waiver. Because we ain't even get this meat off a truck. We gotta out the trunk of a 09 Honda Accord. And ain't no chef at IHOP. It's a nigga named Breon back there. He didn't study abroad? Nah, but he killed abroad. This nigga got an ankle bracelet on. You talking about chef? I used to work graveyard shift. That'd be like, right now, like 10 p.m., 6 a.m. But we don't never get, like, it's not an upscale spot. So we ain't getting people like y'all nice, well-dressed upscale. We getting, you know what I mean? We getting the Halloween costume looking motherfuckers. Goblins and ghouls and we getting all the stragglers. Y'all know stragglers, the bitches that didn't get chose at the club. I remember one time Chris Brown had a concert and I don't know if that was just giving out coupons to the big girls that was there. And I'm not trying to be funny. I'm big too. But it ain't nothing you want to see when you're the only server on the floor. You do not want to see Toyota Corolla's full of big girls pulling up. And while they always into a Toyota Corolla's what's the suspension be suspended on the motherfuckers? You can hear them hitting the curb, gink, gink, gink. I'm like, one, two, three, four. And they'll just be like regular, like nice, sweet, innocent. You know the big girl that be like, oh, I don't want to eat. It be the ghetto, you know the ghetto big girl, the fat girl. She got the shirt on, like Chris Brown's shirt, but the stop right here is the belly button, be the mouth of the shirt. You don't know what kind of fur that is. You don't know if it's chimpanzee skin or pit bull fur. Ghetto bitches. Now I'm going to be comfortable. These bitches just snatch the table off the wall. We're going to be comfortable. We're going to put their table together. We're going to be comfortable. We're going to have space. This little ragged ass. Why these booths so tight? We both can't sit there, baby. Just going to get up. Stack the tables together. They sitting down. I come to take their drink order. These bitches are already holding forks. I'm like, what the fuck is y'all angry? Hungry. Hungry. Two of the cooks walked out. They're like, I ain't going to deal with this bullshit. No. Then the leader walked in. Dacia walked in that motherfucker. Everybody know a big girl named Dacia. Her second in command stood up. Hear ye, hear ye. She started ordering. Pancakes, waffles, omelettes, steak tips. Chicken tenders. Pot roasts. The sandwich and the dinner plate. None of this go to go. Her friends, I'm going to turn up, bitch. I'm like, turn up. Didn't you just see them cooks quit? Y'all trying to bring them? Y'all got to come back here and help cook some of this shit. Motherfuckers, ate us out of napkins. How you eat us out of napkins? Napkins is when you done. How you eat us out of napkins? That audition for a lot of shit. That audition for a lot of shit. I auditioned to play a gay angel one time. A gay angel. I ain't get to part. I wasn't going to do the audition then first. Because you know, you want to feel like, I mean, I wouldn't sell out. I wouldn't, but nigga, the money they offer you is. I was going to be the gayest angel. You hear me? The gayest. Because at first I cussed my agent out. Man, fuck y'all. I can't believe y'all would send me this shit. The first line in the script was, Oh Heavens No. Oh my man. They were like, Leonard, we're sorry. It was just the quote that they gave us for you. You know, they wanted to give you 50,000 episodes. I don't give a fuck. They were like, it's 22 episodes. I don't think it's that bad. But by the time I got to the audition, I had my own lines. I was like, nigga, I'm going to win this. They were like, Leonard, have you read the script? I was like, I got something else. I said, just close your eyes. I got my own script. I said, all right. Imagine I'm on a cloud sucking dick and action. I said, you better not come on my wings. They were like, we think we've seen enough. I can do more. I can do more. I actually auditioned to play Batman too. This new Batman movie that came out. I'm for real. I auditioned to play Batman. I'm tired of seeing white Batman. I'm sorry. I ain't nothing against white people. Y'all had a hell of a run. Batman didn't even got the right imagination for Batman. White Batman always got to be sad. If Batman was black, he'd take that same story and be lit. What? You buy yourself, your parents dead, you a billionaire, and you got a mansion. That sound like House Party 17 to me. That man being so lit. This nigga pull up to fight crime. He got Rihanna in the passenger seat. Let me just put that cigarette out. Ella, Ella, Ella. I get it though. I get it. Batman got to be white. White men have an unfair advantage over black men. Because white men don't have lips, and that's half of Batman costume. And if you think I'm bullshitting, I can prove my point right now. I can take five white guys out of the crowd right now, stand them up on stage, and cover their face like this. I can't tell Peter Paul or Patrick. Batman can't show up to say today with no juicy ass lip. He can't show up like, stop. I'm Batman. You be like, nigga, that's Steve Harvey. I know Steve Harvey. Hey man, y'all been a lot of fun. I'm none of those. Thank y'all. Appreciate y'all for coming out. Y'all have a good one. I love to see it, man. 85, come and win them, man. Down in the funny ball legend. Great time. Appreciate y'all. Sit on my couch, pay it off, brother. Man, who's come over to kill that dude, you know what I'm saying? Nah, that's a great experience, man. You know what I'm saying? Right now, with everything going on in the world, we need that lab, man. So I was in the back. Coward lab, you know what I'm saying? Coward lab. Come on, L.O.