 You are about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business for the next hour and 30 minutes This program will present in person such bright stars as Oota Hagen Jack Haley Judy holiday Paul Kelly Robert Merrill Olson and Johnson Marty Woolley Meredith Wilson and my name darlings is to do the bank head The National Broadcasting Company presents the big show The big show 90 minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of NBC's all-star festival And here is your hostess the glamorous unpredictable to Lula Bankhead I've been waiting for this moment, so I could read you this wonderful fan letter I received this week the letter is unsigned But I simply adore the person who sent it because he understands what I'm up against now I'll read it to you. It says to Lula Bankhead National Broadcasting Company in New York a gentleman. I didn't notice that before Well, anyway, listen to the rest of it every week the announcer on the big show says and here she is The glamorous and undesirable to Lula Bankhead This read much better without my glasses But to continue with the letter a quote the first they build you up as Glampers and then they start describing you as something awful Now would it hurt them to say that you're young and pretty it's radio. Nobody can see you anyway How is it I Wonder who wrote this letter wrote this letter. It was so sweet of you I'm fatter than the star born yesterday would write me a fan letter I love getting fan letters no matter how busy I am with the show, you know I always find time to eat my fan meal while I spend half my nights just reading my mail Still single, huh? Now, Judy, let's not get started on that again Every time I see you you start in about my getting married right now. I don't want to get married What's the matter? There's a law against it I'm trying to tell you darling. I like the life. I leave there's a law against that Good holiday for the one that's got a worry not me or is it not I? It is not Well, if it's not me and not you worry about it and me and my friend Selma who is Selma a girl No fooling None whatever darling. Let's drop Selma drop some sort of psychiatrist too because you've got the same trouble She had all your problems could be summed up in one word. And what is that word? I don't like to say it Oh go ahead and say it. What's the word? I guess it's all right Who could be listening? It's a word that starts with S and ends with X Yes, you expect me to spend an hour out of my life every day lying on a psychiatrist couch My dear girl, he'd never believe it. I went to psychiatrist about well about three years ago Yeah, how'd it work out? Well, he's just beginning to take a little a solid food now To support you support me Why Judy my bet I have nothing to worry about I have a very large annuity that is going to mature in 10 years Who won't like when you're hungry and there's no food in the house And it's no outside and go down a delicate test and get your ham and Swiss cheese sandwich on right toast Not too brown with plenty of mustard Husband does that I suppose. Oh, but he thinks about it for one minute You probably don't even know what annuity is. Do you dear vaguely well annuity is money You lay away for the future you see it's money you save for rainy day and with annuity. I've got I've Let me get this trade. I'll be taken care of on plenty of rainy days How about tonight? I'll never want for an escort. I know many of an attractive male One thing I'll need no husband to support me. I'll be financially independent I'll be able to walk and to had iconic as caparelli's a bit of Goodman's and buy anything I want here But never into lane, right? Well, Judy Do you know what I think? I think we can stand a little music now And here is Meredith Wilson with his big show officer and chorus in the stirring arrangement of Military poker and you beloved veterans of all the wars some of your tunes are in here, too Would you come here a moment? Yes, Miss Bankhead Meredith darling, I've been meaning to speak to you for some weeks now about those revolting As you tell about that remote little hammered of yours in Mason City. Yes, you are Now look my darling I know that you're a wonderful musician and a fine composer and I simply adore you in a completely charming gentlemen But I would consider it a great personal favor to me if you will stop telling those boring Nostalgic vignettes and now I hope you will accept this in the spirit which it is given venomously Well, sir miss Bankhead and you say after all you are the boss man on this program Oh, no, I don't mean to be nasty about it, but but I can prove you. I'd dull It would be if I told stories about my hometown Gee would you miss Bankhead? Well, sir I remember once back in my hometown Montgomery Montgomery, Alabama When I was 15 years old one day I was riding No, I'd better not tell that I remember when I can tell it was when I was 10 years old Have to draw the line somewhere Mason Dixon that is oh Dear we always seem to get back to Mason again Meredith, I guess you're just a country boy at heart Which is rather an ingenious way ladies and gentlemen to blend in to distinguish start with theater Miss Uta Hargan and mr. Paul Kelly Miss Hargan and mr. Kelly are reigning favorites on Broadway this season starring in a new hit play by mr. Clifford Odette So darlings here is miss Hargan and mr. Kelly in scenes from the country girl country girl is a story of the theater It is the story of a once brilliant actor named Frank Elgin Who gets a chance to make comeback It's the story of his wife Georgie Who has tasted many a bitter moment with Frank in his journey down hill to failure But who somehow has kept the faith and who has not forgotten that when she married into the theater She was just a country girl I was seen opens in a furnished room occupied by the Elgins on 8th Avenue Frank after seven years without work has been given his chance to try out for the lead in new play As always when a decision needs to be made He turns to George I can't do it. Can I? Doesn't it seem strange for you to ask me that you're my wife Frank we've been through this before many times before I'm tired Frank What happened? Where did I get so mixed up? I was the best young leading man in the business not a slouch the scripts didn't come how I knew it then out on the coast I lost my nerve And then when we lost the money in 39 and after those lousy federal theater jobs This is the face that once turned down radio. Whatever happened. I don't know what But I'm good I'm still good baby because I see what they think is good Don't you think I'm good. I think I'm good Then take the part Make it your own responsibility not mine take the part Don't wiggle and caper Frank Can't you admit to yourself? You're a failure You'd die to save your face not to fail in public, but I'm your wife You have no face Try to be clear about this offer think I Didn't hear him say he'd star me. I have a message for you Frank take the part. Yes, but what will you do it? Leave me out take the part and do your level best. Well, what about that two weeks clothes? You yourself tried to do was get a better deal. You won't get perfect terms sure gave him a scrap Georgie, I'll tell you that two weeks close They can give me notice anytime But I can give them notice to they can let me out But I can walk out anytime I want to if I feel I'm breaking my neck you can quit Yeah, that's sort of what I mean. You see get it. Yes quite with this two weeks close I don't even have to come into New York. Do I know would say what's wrong with that? That's it To can play the same game Wait a minute wait a minute. I almost forgot a quarter or seven this morning. I had a dream I laughed so hard it woke me up green a big banner and I get this a big banner was stretched across the street Frank Elgin in I couldn't make out in what? Melancholy was in the dream lots of people feeling good That's a sign I'm gonna take that part Georgie now. You don't have to tell me not to drink haven't I been a good boy all summer? Early this morning. I got up that funny laughing dream, and I was thinking of our lives Everything and now this chance. I won't fail Georgie all those people in that dream They wish me luck, and that's what counts if the world is with you and your wife. I Don't have any appointments all winter. That's what counts. I can't fail this time. I feel like jack a million I'll let dad know I'll go up to the office in person, but my first stop was the barbershop I want the tonsorial works anything you want me to bring you back. No, then here's a kiss for you dear catch that The players opened in Boston the notices Affair New York seems a certainty But there are plenty of rough spots in script and performance these words They've been rehearsing all night It's almost two in the morning and Frank is changing in his dressing room as Georgie knits It's cold to pressy and there's plenty of tension and Nerves are beginning to frass Give me two more minutes dear. I'm almost dressed Frank yes Where's the other bottle? What other bottle? I'm tired Frank. Don't play peek-a-boo. You got another bottle that cough syrup No, I don't All right, give it to me, but I didn't buy another bottle dear. I wish you believed me once in a while All the time has been a clanging in my head. I don't know who's punishing who anymore I wish you'd take my word for something for a change. All right, never mind. I give up. I won't look Now, where's my knitting? Georgie, I I want to apologize That director had no right to take that attitude. He has the right to take any attitude He's the only friend you've had in 10 years accepting you dear and that's what I want dear the chance to show you how much I love how much you need me you mean now, please Georgie don't be mad at me I know I'm no don good I'm worried you tell that to the director think of what it means to me to walk out on that stage every night the whole Responsibility of the show is on my show that to the director. Maybe I'm ashamed. I don't know where to hide. I Don't know the old line Tomorrow I get a big new scene Now you say you're going back to New York. I Can't do this if you don't help me Didn't he come to me weren't you there? They don't appreciate putting on a post putting on a friend And you lie you lie what do you want me to do wine and complain you want me to make them hate Well, they'll adore you when you go up on a bend who says on a bend old waffle iron says the mop behind the door And this is how it ends That laughing dream you had a laughing dream Five weeks ago don't know anyone up here in Boston Are you going back to New York? I don't see why not you want to leave me. It's late Frank You're due don't I want to go to bed. I may have a happy dream. Oh, it's in New York. What pair of pants are you looking? I warn you. I'm gonna hit you with the first thing. I lay my hands on None of them like me not even Bernie the director How do I know he's gonna keep me on did he act like a friend tonight? They all want me to fail you want me to fail you don't love me Frank all I've got is my two hands I'll use them. It's after 2 a.m. You have a 1 o'clock call if you're in such a hurry There's the door I as a matter of fact may take myself a walk get myself a big dapple and some milk cold is getting worse Don't worry about it, and I told you what you can do. Oh, you want me to go is that what you want if you're in such a hurry Oh the devil with it just the devil with it. I'm going back to the hotel. You do what you want Sometimes I think you're playing out of your head clean out of your head Do what you want Your cold is getting worse That's right. Walk out. I get him alive That's typical sweet Country girl how much I enjoyed you just now. You're really both truly wonderful And I mean it and at the theater when I saw you the opening night. Thank you to the very kind Oh darling, will I ever forget that night that you've opened country girl? What a brilliant affair that turned out to be I was so happy for both of you. I was wearing my new black dress and my pearls Oh, it's not my real pearls. Oh, you understand my real ones in the vault So these them They are these days. It's just ridiculous But I did have the dress made for that opening the dress particularly made because I wanted so much for clifid Odessa to have another hit on his hands. I Appeared in the clifid Odessa play, you know that he wrote some years ago called Clash by Night with Joseph Shilcroft Joseph, you know, but that wonderful play the Green Bay Tree was just closed. That's the same play And now truly it's the same play that opened 15 years ago with Lawrence Olivier And I needn't tell you how wonderful. I think Larry is of course why they should have brought over his wife Vivian Lee from England to play Scarlett O'Hara When I was around all the time It's something I will never understand But who could have played Scarlett O'Hara better than this little Alabama country girl Oh, by the way, it's the play I started to tell you that you were so wonderful in darling She sure went around about way to get to that didn't she Paul? Well, you don't think they pay you on this program just for acting Let's go then. I'm just waiting around for my money. Oh, I had very good seats for your opening You know, I was sitting in the very first row. Do you see me? Yes. We heard you very well Well darlings the whole audience was discussing the play because it presents such a provocative problem I mean the story of a famous actor tried to make a comeback in the theater And when he found out he couldn't he took the drink. Isn't that it Paul? Something like that some actors when they find their failures and the theater take to drink others take to radio Well now in the country girl you play the part of a wife who's Stuck by her man for ten years while he's been drinking and then when he gets his chance to come back He doesn't take advantage of it. It seems to me that from a psychological standpoint I wouldn't put up with my husband drinking for ten years. I'd walk right out and leave him Look who's talking about leaving her husband Beauty I wish you'd stay out of this Excuse me, but first you gotta find a husband before you can leave him This happens to be a play with psychiatric undertones you wouldn't understand. I wouldn't understand psychiatric Who told you they'll stick to my story if a woman has stood by her husband Who's been drinking for ten years and ruining her life. She has a perfect right to walk out on him I think Uta should have walked out on Paul Who? Uta and Paul that's what we're talking about. Oh my dear, haven't you met Uta Hargan? Surely you've heard of this great actress in the theater. Oh, you tie the little the talk's kind of peculiar I didn't understand your name. I know the name of Uta Hagan as well as I know Tennessee Williams Judy they're in a play Paul drinks in a play the drinking we're talking about is hypothetical That's the worst kind Play Judy that Paul portrays a husband who drinks and Uta is the wife who continues to live with them Why shouldn't she but you wouldn't understand that you're not married You know Paul she has a point there. Yes, and it looks nice on her No, I mean Judy has a logical argument well Yes, a person who's not married would find it difficult to understand the problems involved between our husband and wife She's a single girl. Oh Nonsense Judy. There's certain things you feel. I don't have to sit on a hot stove to know that it'll burn me I'll sit on a hot stove sit here comes the springtime played by Meredith Wilson and the big show orchestra We'll be back in a moment with Judy and Uta and Paul and our other stars Jack Haley Olsen and Johnson Monty Woolley and Robert Merrill now. It's time for me to ring my times This darling is NBC the national broadcast This is the national broadcasting company stunned the extravaganza with the most simulating personalities in show business The big show the Sunday night feature of NBC's all-star festival is brought to you by Chesterfield The cigarette that has for you Mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste the cigarette that brings you Bing Crosby and bomb hope and by the makers of Anacin for fast relief from the pain of headache neuritis and uralgia and by RCA Victor We're a leader in radio first and recorded music first in television The big stars in this program are Uta Hagan, Jack Haley, Judy Holliday, Paul Kelly, Robert Merrill, Olsen and Johnson Monty Woolley, Meredith Wilson and his big show orchestra and chorus and every week your hostess the glamorous unpredictable Tallulah Bankhead That's an unpredictable. Why do they keep saying that? I am not Unpredictable the life. We understand where they got the idea in the first place I mean for instance rehearsals is it 10 o'clock I Show up at 10 o'clock. I am I to know there's a 10 o'clock in the morning, too And they say I'm unpredictable because I don't read the script exactly this written by that after not since I Read every line in the script. I even read between the lines Unpredictable indeed. I've been on the show for 16 weeks and I haven't missed a single performance Why even showed up one week when the audience wasn't even there Wasted a whole Monday Unpredictable my eye But now I want you to meet a gentleman who is never unpredictable because everything he's been in has been a success He's been in every phase of show business vaudeville musical comedy motion pictures radio television So well-known in New York Hollywood and Fort Knox Jack Haley Just a minute to Lula. What's with that Fort Knox? Well, darling, it's no secret. Everybody in show business knows you have a lot of Jack And everybody knows you got a lot of move to Lou Well, I would have darling the taxes weren't so hot taxes. Oh, I got a way to beat the taxes you have I'm not gonna pay him. I'll just go to prison for 10 years. Oh What a darling idea Wish I thought of that. I could have saved so much money. You pay a lot of taxes to Lula. Oh, it's that awful I mean, I'm still paying for 1947 That was the biggest you ever had in my income taxed loan came to five hundred and sixty thousand dollars Five hundred and sixty thousand. You made all that money in one year. Oh, I didn't make anything that year, darling I couldn't get a player anything. I laid off whole year But a bunch of us girls were sitting around the store club making out of income taxes and Helen Hayes and Katie Hepburn and then Fontaine and when I saw the salaries they were filling in well I wasn't gonna let them top me I put down one million seven hundred thousand fifty dollars. I wish you could have seen their faces Of course, it'll take me 20 years to pay the taxes But it was certainly worth it just to see their faces Well, that's one way to beat them. But my way is cheaper. Still, you know what they say to Lula money isn't everything Who says that? People with money Well, yes, Jack, I suppose you're right. I think health is more important than money. Oh, by the way, darling I did read in the papers last week that you'd been ill. Yeah, that's right. I hadn't been feeling very well for about six weeks It had me worried I stayed up until five o'clock every morning trying to figure out what was wrong with me and I finally figured it out What was it? I wasn't getting enough sleep Well, you feel better now, Jack. I mean, did you did you see a doctor? Sure. The doctor examined me. Well, what did you find? $500 He told me I have to drink a lot of water every day What? But I'm looking forward to a vacation this summer after I get through with my television series for the four dealers And I think I'll go out to california. I've got a little house out there on the beach Oh, that sounds right. Well last summer it wasn't so divine I was walking on the beach one day in a lobster bit one of my toes Really? What's one? I don't know. All those lobsters look alike to me Oh, I love the beach, Jack. We were out to hollywood just three weeks ago with the show, you know And it was warm enough to go to the beach every day. I created a sort of well mile sensation There with my three-piece bathing suit three-piece bathing suit. What's the third piece? Oh, that's the big piece The labels know what would be a wonderful relaxing thing for you to do jack Take an ocean board to Europe. I mean you can visit france or italy and oh, how about ireland? You're Irish, aren't you? Well, you must have lots of friends in ireland Well, my friends used to be there, but now it's all changed. I'll tell you about it You don't have to go to ireland. I'll visit there no more Too sad, but I'm not lonesome for the sight of errant shore For all my ireish playmates, all of my friends so good Have gone and got them settled in a place called hollywood I shook hands with Barry Fitzgerald and also Frank McHugh Had lunch with Vic McLaglin and Jimmy Cagney too When I got to the depot I never heard such din as the cries from all the collings when they saw rarrel fling I visited Pat O'Brien Stopped over to Gordon McRae and had a nip with William Gargan And one with Michael Shea At night there was a party And I was glad I went because I met the whole mishbooker at the home of Georgie Brent There was Margaret O'Brien, Virginia O'Brien and Edmund O'Brien with tall Robert Ryan and Leo McCary and Stephen McNally All gathered there for this gallery fair There was Rory Galhouni with young Mickey Rooney, Roddy McDowell with Alan O'Paul Freddie McMurray who left in a hurry to meet Dennis Morgan who couldn't be there George Murphy came in with the great Vic Chilaly, said was a gift from that dancey dandily Then Dennis O'Keefe made a speech who was greeted, said here comes a floor show to brighten the place There were songs by McCanta and jokes by O'Benny And toasts from McJessel who comes from Kilkenny The show had a topper, it was Heddo Hopper who wore a new hat made of shamrocks and lace Oh Sullivan and O'Hara, those lovely two marines Marie and Jeanette McDonald, two other sweet Paulines Phil Regan and Morton Downey joined voices in a song And everyone was dancing, even Cassidy Hopped along So now you know the reason I don't miss the Blonnie Stone For with all those irish movie stars I'll never be alone Here are two divine friends of mine from Hollywood who are off on the road to tobacco Bob, Hoke and Bing Crosby Say Bing, you got a minute? Oh sure, Bob, we got all the time in the world Don't tell me you own that too Ah, never mind that stuff, get to work, will you? Folks, better tasting Chesterfield is the only cigarette that combines for you mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste And you can prove that yourself Just make our mildness test Buy Chesterfields, then open them and enjoy that milder, mellow aroma Now light one up And you'll know Chesterfield's milder because it smokes milder And Chesterfield leaves no unpleasant aftertaste That fact has been confirmed by the country's first and only cigarette taste panel Yes, mildness and no unpleasant aftertaste are what you and I and every smoker want Hurry up, Dad, here comes the music Chesterfield, Chesterfield always takes first place That milder, milder tobacco never leaves an aftertaste So open a pack, give them a smell, then you'll smoke them I was talking a little while ago about being unpredictable and now I want you to meet a couple of gentlemen who really are unpredictable If you've ever seen them in a theater, in hell's a poppin and sons of fun and some of their other great hits, you'd know what unpredictable means I refer, of course, to Olson and Johnson, Olin Chick Can you get, come on fellas, up to the microphone We don't wanna Mean you don't wanna You're not gonna sit there all through the show and read a script You've gotta stand up if you want to give a performance Put your all into it Do what? Put your all into it We've got our all into it when we sat down Jake, what are you saying? That's no way to talk on this show Why don't you tell her why we're sitting here? I guess I'd better do it You see, Miss Bankhead I see Miss Bankhead How can you miss her? Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop that You know, this is a high-class show I beg your pardon I say this is a high-class show Yeah, I notice I notice they don't hold this grip on their bare fingers No, they use a fork and a knife Very funny indeed Fork and knife, that is why we expect our guests to give a sterling performance Sterling performance, you hear that? Sterling I don't get it You see, Tallulah, we came here prepared to do an act But we're, you know, we're in a kind of a jam here because Well, with the kind of an act we do, we're under kind of a handicap And no talent, darling Well, we wanted to start off even with our hostess You know, we came here wanting to do something But they didn't supplies with the necessary props Oh, yes, of course, I know, only in the theatre You're a big hit with plants growing out of flower pots People trying to get out of straight jackets And funny-looking costumes and things But this is radio Your comedy is visual, you know, of a sight What? I said your comedy is sight Yeah, you're a pretty funny sight yourself Now, Chick, that's no way to talk Now, apologize to Miss Bankhead, say you're sorry I'm sorry you're a sight, Miss Bankhead No, Chick A sorry sight? No A mess Now, wait a minute, will you stop? Miss Bankhead, I'd better explain what my partner means Well, if anyone can explain it, I guess you can How long have you two been partners? Thirty-five years Thirty-five years Yes, how long have you two been partners? Now, look here, Costello Hey, Chick, I'm warning you, you better stop it This isn't Milton Berle You can lick him But you see, Miss Bankhead, in the theatre We know exactly what kind of comedy you do Oh, I've seen your show many times, darlings And as I say, most of the things you do are visual Not for radio, I mean, they belong in that other medium The name of which for the moment escapes me She couldn't? Now, listen, but it's not all visual We have a sort of a loud rocker show with a lot of big noises Yes, well, I'm the only big noise around here But in the shows we've done on Broadway, we've been, you know, a big hit We kill the audiences How can you miss with all those guns you keep shooting off? Well, if you boys were to do your act, load up and out, pass out the earplugs No, but that's just it, they didn't give us any props Props? Sure, we need 50 automatics, 20 coles, a half a dozen machine guns And a dozen anti-aircraft guns for the balcony And 13 weeks of basic training, no doubt No, we'll need more stuff than that, Chick We'll need, let's see, two cases of seltzer, 25 coconut custard pies A hamburger A hamburger I'm hungry We'll need some pails of water, a wagon load of bricks, four swords, and a gorgeous blonde girl About 18 years old What on earth are you going to do with her? Oh, yes We'll think of something But why are you thinking, gentlemen, Ed Hurley has a word to say Every day you hear more and more about an incredibly fast way to relieve the pains of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia It's anison, A-N-A-C-I-N Now the reason anison is so wonderfully fast acting and effective is this Anison is like a doctor's prescription That is, anison contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven, active ingredients in easy to take tablet form Thousands of people have received envelopes containing anison tablets from their own dentist or physician And in this way discovered the incredibly fast relief Anison brings from pains of headache, neuritis, or neuralgia So the next time a headache strikes, take anison for this wonderfully fast relief That's anison, A-N-A-C-I-N Anison in handy boxes of 12 and 30 Economical family size bottles of 50 and 100 Ask for anison at any drug counter Well, Mrs. Olson and Johnson, did you think of anything you can do on our show? Well, not yet, Tallulah. We're still working on it Sure, we got something we could do. Wait a minute. What do you mean? Let's do the bit we did in Piori with June and check, you know Wait a minute. We can't do that here Sure, we can Ah, it's so messy. She won't stand for it Sure, she will I tell you no Now look, boys, suppose you let me decide what is it you want to do Oh, it's something from an old act of ours Chick used to sing a song Yes, with the right side of my mouth I sang Life is just a ball of cherries And with the left side of my mouth I used to sing In the shade of the old apple tree And the middle of your mouth just stands there and does nothing, I suppose With the middle of my mouth I spit out the pits The snake pits I'm sure that must be a nourishing and fluid display of talent But this is the big show Okay, I'll do it with watermelons Now, Chick, will you drop that idea? We'll think of something else, Tallulah Not so incongruous to the decorum and dignity of this talented melange Which is foregathered here on this podium That's what I said With the middle of my mouth I spit out the pits Okay, Applenock or Semiram Oh, do you mind if I go on with the rest of the show, darling? Oh, no, that's all right Oh, thank you, you're so sweet And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present Hey, Chick, you know she's pretty nice Oh, yes She's a good skater Oh, why shouldn't she be? They used to have a nice show here And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present She must be one of the figure eights that was left over She looks like she made the eighth the hard way Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present two fours I mean, I would like, uh, would you two gentlemen quietly keep quiet? I'm trying to announce the next act Oh, I'm sorry, Tallulah You don't worry us, go right ahead Ladies and gentlemen, I would like now to present The young man whose magnificent voice Is currently thrilling Metropolitan opera goers A man who graciously consented to rejoin us Two weeks earlier than he planned Because of the illness of Mr. James Melton We're honored to have Mr. Robert Merrill back on the big show Will you stop a chick? How do I know how much money she makes? Quiet, you two! Ladies and gentlemen, here he is Mr. Robert Merrill Oh, Bob, darling, I'm so glad you were able to be with us this week You're very kind, Tallulah You know, I sang in your hometown a few weeks ago In Montgomery, Alabama Oh, that's right, you did sing there I remember because I wrote some of my schoolmates And told them you'd be there Yes, I know, I met them all They're the nicest little old ladies Old ladies? You must have met the mothers of my schoolmates Oh no, these little old ladies were the children of your schoolmates If that's an insult, it's too involved for me to figure out But what did you sing for them, Robert? Well, the song they requested was Deep Provinza The Deep Provinza Oh, I'd give anything to have heard it Do you want me to sing it now? Would you, darling, would you sing it for me? I'd be glad to Oh, good Ladies and gentlemen, Robert Merrill is singing Deep Provinza from La Trivia Oh, for goodness sake, only wait a minute How do I know what picture it's from? I think it's from Confessions of the Nazi Spies Sing, you two Deep Paris, so, for us it must be your... Too much, you know Part you put into your singing I could stand here and listen to you all night Do you want me to sing another one? Over my dead body Come on, this show, too But tell me, Robert, I understand you now have a new harbor You collect antique automobiles, don't you? Oh, yes, Jimmy Melton started me on this I now have 40 antique models Oh, I love old cars What a long way automobiles have come since those early models Hey, Tallulah Yes, you done, what is it? Oh, Bob, you know Judy Holiday How do you do? How do you do? Hey, Tallulah, could I speak to you a minute privately? Well, certainly, excuse me I was just a moment, will you, Bob? What is it, Judy? What is it? What are you talking to him about old cars? Judy, you don't understand, darling Robert Merrick collects antique models So put in a plug for yourself I think that was mean of you, and that's an ad lib This is Bob's hobby, old cars Let's get off that subject Can I happen to be interested in cars? I like driving Don't talk about old cars If you talk to him about singing Well, I did talk to him about singing What do you want me to do? Sing something to him? Why not? Well, I know, give my regards Supper club chanteuses sing Things with the beautiful soft music And then breaks all the people's hearts Telling how she got did Judy, darling, what do you mean? I'll demonstrate Thank you As you rush over, you turn on the radio And there's a fountain ball You said that's not the word From RCA Victor It's been said that the entire history of the American people During the past 50 years can be summed up in one sentence The automobile took them out of the home And the television set brought them back And the set that does most of the bringing back is an RCA Victor And that's because RCA Victor television is owned most Proved most, in fact, it's million proof Almost two million families are happily enjoying RCA Victor television In their homes today If you want to see a set that turns Gannabouts into homebodies Look at the new RCA Victor Regency Console One of the 14 new RCA Victor models for 1951 It has a great big 17-inch television Clearer and more powerful than ever Framed in a luxurious cabinet of authentic Regency styling See the RCA Victor Regency Console And then bring your family happily homeward every day With America's favorite and best-looking television RCA Victor Well, darlings, we still have to hear from Monty Woolley And Judy and Jack Haley and Elton and Johnson and Robert Merrill Will be back in just a moment Along with Ute Hagen and Paul Kelly But first, we should give our station to break You're right, Tallulah And I want to say that this portion of the program Has been brought to you by Chesterfield The cigarette that has, for you, mildness With no unpleasant aftertaste The best cigarette for you to smoke By the makers of Anison For fast relief from the pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia And by RCA Victor, world leader in radio First in recorded music, first in television Now if you'll ring your charming chimes, Tallulah Thank you, sweet, you're sweet And this is NBC, the national broadcasting company This is The Bake Show And here is Tallulah with another guest Ladies and gentlemen, what more need I say? Mr. Monty Woolley What sort of an introduction was that? Need you say more? You certainly need say more And you will say it exactly as I wrote it for you this morning In my fine Spen-Syrian hand Uh, Woolley, I warn you I will not tolerate any of your tempestuous outbursts My dear woman, I have been sitting here for more than an hour Trying not to listen to this array of minor buffoons You have somehow managed to assemble here Including the antics of Olson, Jackson and Durante And that used car salesman Whose hobby is a monstrous catawalli which you call singing And that hibernian gentleman Who brought over his relatives from Ireland and set them up in Hollywood And shat his with swimming pools To say nothing of the whining mullings of that infantile blonde Judith Holliday And now you dare dismiss me with a one-line introduction Monty, darling, I won't lose my temper because you've lost yours But you see, this is radio, every moment counts Are you going to presume to tell me about radio? I have a radio program of my own Really, darling, I didn't know what sort of program is it 30 minutes of sparkling adult comedy every week 30 minutes Why, darling, my program is 90 minutes So I understand But if you've gathered up a few of your dangling participles And made a few of your split infinitives You could do this program in 30 minutes And you can find yourself to using the single negative Instead of the double negative You could cut this program down to 15 minutes Which itself is twice as much Tallulah as anyone should be asked to bear Now, just a minute, Buster Relax, loosen your beard I was wondering how long it would be before you resorted to that Obviously, you would use a barb like that Obviously you could use a barb My problems are tonsorial Yours are tonsillectomy No, my dear, you're so gross I was just trying to imagine you as a member of that aftershave club But I was nominated for membership And I declined when I heard that you were a member Why, you pale imitation of Gabby Hayes Gabby Hayes, you dare compare an artist of my study with Gabby Hayes Gabby Hayes is every inch the actor you are And he rides a horse besides Tallulah, if you are not familiar with accepted rules of etiquette On how to treat a guest You can at least have a little respect for aliens Oh, Marty, that's the nicest, sweetest thing that's been said to me on this program I mean, you're a... Get easy, Marty I remember you when you were only a moustache Compared to me and Gabby Hayes, you forget, woman, that I have seen you in the theater And? Well, I suppose you are an actress of sorts Of sorts? A stylist, perhaps Stylist? May I remind you that I'm renowned for my dramatic perception My comedy timing critics everywhere have agreed that my timing is second to none Yeah, the timing of the shrew Well, this for a man whose only claim to fame is that he is known as the male Tallulah bankhead Well, that's for me. I always thought you were You kill me It'll be a pleasure Oli, Oli, why do you keep saying he's not her father? I told you, chick, nobody can be that old and still be alive What makes you think he's alive, darlings? Well, well, whom have we here? Hamaker and Slammer? See, excuse me, these are Olson and Johnson who have been sitting here trying to think of an act they can do Have you thought of anything yet, boys? No, have you? What do you mean? Well, I notice you don't have an act either All you've done is stand up there and insult that nice gray-haired old gentleman From the funny part of it, he doesn't have an act either I laugh. Tallulah, I'll be in my dressing room shaving. If I'm fortunate, I may cut my throat from ear to ear Oh, Marty, stop losing your head, darling Now look here, Olson and you two, Johnson, I do have an act and if Marty will join me We can do a scene from one of his greatest Broadway and Hollywood successes George Kaufman and Moss Hart, the man who came for dinner Marty, will you join me, darling? Would my contract permitted me to say no? Oh, what's the scene about, Tallulah? Well, if you remember, the man who came to dinner is the story of Sheldon Whiteside, the noted writer and lecturer Who breaks his legs, he is about to leave the home of his dinner host And is confined to their home for several hilarious weeks As part of the plot, he calls upon an actress friend of his in London, Lorraine Sheldon to come to his aid Lorraine is beautiful, chic, worldly, sophisticated, glamorous And unpredictable Which part do you play, Tallulah? She refuses to answer on the grounds that it might incriminate her Now come on, Tallulah, now with this asinine mummery, we're going to do this bit, let's get it over This will show you whether I can act or not I will act at all of you with my talents as an actress and in my magnetic personality He guards double jeopardy The merit is, darling, some man who came to dinner music, if you please, sir Lorraine enters the presence of the great Sheldon Whiteside Look at that poor sweet tortured face Ah, let me kiss it, poor darling Your eyes have a gallant compassion How drawn you are Oh, Sherry, my sweet, I want to cry All right, you've made a very nice entrance, my dear Now relax No, but Sherry, darling, I've been so worried and now I'm seeing you in that chair This chair fits my fanny as nothing else ever had I feel better than I have in years and my only concern is due to the outside world So take off that skunk, dear, and tell me all about how are you, my dear Oh, darling, I'm so relieved that you look perfect Wonderful, I never saw you look better Oh, my dear, do I look correct? I just dashed through New York Didn't do a thing about Christmas Dropped into the furries, of course, then had my hair done, got right on the train And the Queen Mary coming back was simply hectic Fun, you know, but something exhausting I mean, Jack Whitney and Carrie Grant and Darcy Frasso Fun, you know, but do it sourcing, darling Of course, darling, before that was something magnificent, my dear But I simply never got to bed at all Oh, darling, I've so much to tell you that I don't know where to start We'll start with the dead, first, dear, that's what I want to hear Well, now let me see, uh, Sybil Cartwright was thrown right out of Syros, you know She was wearing one of those new cellophane dresses, you know And, uh, Harry Montrose, the painter, is suing his mother for a disorderly conduct Well, it just shocked everyone to death Oh, and before I forget, Anthony Eden told me he's going to be on New York's broadcast, Harry And he said, for heaven's sake, not to introduce him as the English Grover Whelan Oh, and Beatrizilly gave me a message for you She says, for you to take off 25 pounds right away and send them to her by parcel post She needs them I'll pack them on ice Now come, dear, what about you? What about your love life, if you'll pardon the expression Oh, sherry, dear, you're so nosy Well, what about that splendid bit of English mutton, Lord Bottomley? Haven't you hooked him yet? Sherry, please, uh, say, Rick, he's a dear friend of Mark Oh, da, bless him, girl, this is sherry Don't try to kid me, don't tell me you wouldn't like to be Lady Bottomley with 100,000 pounds a year and 12 castles And by the way, has he had his teeth fixed yet? Every time I order a rope for cheese, I think of those teeth Sherry, you really are too nosh, Shadings He may be not brilliant, but he's rather sweet, poor lamb And he really is deeply fond of me And he does represent a kind of English way of living that I like I mean, sorry, in London of the Season Shooting Bucks and Scotsman at lovely old Castle in Wales Well, you were there, sherry, you know what I mean Oh, and do we indeed? Oh, really, sherry, why not? I mean, if I marry a Cedric, I don't know why I shouldn't Oh, shall I tell you something, sherry? I think, I think from something he said just before I sailed That he's finally coming around to it Oh, it wasn't definite, mind you But don't be surprised if I am Lady Bottomley before very long Lady Bottomley, won't Kansas City be surprised? Oh, I shall be a flower girl and give the groom an iron toothpick as a wedding present Come on now, head Come on, blossom, let's hear some more of your Skull Duggery No, but sherry, what about this play after all? I've come all the way from New York, even on Christmas Eve Oh, I've been so excited ever since your phone call Where is it? I mean, who can I read it? Well, here's the situation This young author, his name is Bert Jeffers Brought me the play with the understanding that I said it to Kit Cornell It's a magnificent part and the Lord knows I feel disloyal to Kit Oh, sherry There you are, there you are Now, I've done this much, the rest is up to you He's young and attractive No, I don't know Now, just how you'll go about persuading him I'm sure you know more of us than I do, my dear Darling, how can I ever thank you? As you know I'm coming, I mean this beautiful young man No, no, no, no, no, you're just out here visiting me You'll meet him and that's that Get him to take you out to dinner and work around to the play Good heavens, I don't have to tell you how to do these things How'd you get all those other parts? Sherry, please Well, I'll go back to the hotel, darling, and get into something more attractive I just dump my bags and rush right over here, darling Oh, you're wonderful All right, all right, I'll run along and get into your working clothes And come right back here to spend Christmas Eve with Sherry And I'll have that beautiful young man on tap And by the way, I've got a little surprise for you Who do you think's paid me a flying visit tonight? None other than your old friend and co-star Beverly Carlton Oh, really? Beverly? I thought he was being glamorous again on a tramp steamer Oh, come, come, dear, it mustn't be bitter just because he got better notices than you did No, silly Sherry, I never read notices I simply wouldn't care to act with him again, that's all Well, he's not staying here, is he? I should hope not Temper, temper, temper, now he's nice Where'd you get that diamond clip, dear? That's a new bit of loot, isn't it? Oh, haven't you seen this before? Well, Cedric gave it to me for his mother's birthday And she was simply furious Oh, look, darling, I've got a taxi outside If I'm going to get back here, I must fly Oh, well, fly away, blossom, but don't fly too high If you drop any of that loot you're carrying, you're up to brain somebody Hey, uh, Chalula Yes, Jack, darling, what is it? I'd like to take a crack at that man who came to dinner Oh, there he is, darling, take a crack at him No, I mean, I'd like to act that part in the play Well, go right ahead, Jack Oh, would you like me to play the part opposite you? Oh, no, I've got a leading lady Oh, really? Me, that's who Oh, it's surely holiday, go right ahead, my sweet Set the scene, Jack Okay As the curtain rises, we find Sheridan Haley Sitting in a wheelchair with his leg in a cast That's the original cast, of course The door opens and his girlfriend comes to visit him Oh, it's still broken And your nose? It's broken I'm all broken up over you I'll cut you a chalk under the taxi driver What have you got in the package? I've rung you some fruit Gee, thanks Well, what's to do it? That's what I want to hear With the Bronx from Flatbush, in the crowded assembly, it was simply exhausting Some ravioli Some kaloochi That sounds like it might be exhausting It's been fun, have another banana Thanks I don't like you running around with other fellas When I'm sitting here with a broken leg For a broken leg, should I sit around the hot house broken? Besides, we're engaged Well, you broke everything else He's holding out on you, he weighs 290 Sure, he wants to get an encyclopedia I don't know why you won't wait for me We'd be very happy We'd get married, buy a house, settle down, and have five or six children And if that doesn't work out, we'll try something else Fun, but exhausting Hamburgers Here's a chance to do our act There's an actor with two broken legs Well, what are we waiting for? Just about brings us to our good night Night, Tallulah Oh, Bob Merrill, thanks so much for dropping in, sweetie You're really divine Oh, by the way, Bob, if you're dining alone tonight, I just don't happen to have anyone that I... Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Tallulah But I do have a previous dinner date I made about 30 months ago And 30 months, how previous can you get? Well, good night, Bob Oh, oh, Jack, Jack Haley Good night, Tallulah Oh, Jack, darling, it's been so nice Are you having dinner anywhere quickly? I just happen to be lonely No, I'm just going back to my hotel room and have something light You see, I'm on a bland diet Sorry A blonde, uh, yeah Well, good night, Jack Good night, Tallulah Oh, good night, chicken You too, Ollie But it was fun, wasn't it, fellas? Shall the three of us go out and celebrate? Well, we have a date, Tallulah And here she is, Uta Hagan Oh, Uta, you look charming, my sweet I haven't seen you since you and Paul Kelly appeared in our first act Going out with the boys now? Yes, why don't you come along, Tallulah? I think with these two wild men, I'll need a chaperone Chaperone, indeed Good night, darling Oh, that's Paul Kelly, Paul If you wait a moment, I'll go along with you I don't think you're better, Tallulah I'm going over to the Luxor Bads Good night, Paul Good night, Tallulah, there's one more I know, Judy, but oh, well, what can I do? Marty Woolly What are you doing for tonight, for dinner? Eating If she'll eat with me Come, child, your English is atrocious Maybe I can help you You will be my galatea And I will be your pigmalion I never knew I could empty a theater that quickly I'm just doing great Well, how glamorous can you be? I'll get even with them all I won't eat in the dinner Nobody seems to want me Oh, Tallulah, don't say that Oh, well, darling, my big show, chorus All the men who run the 180 NBC stations want you They just voted you and this program The most progressive step in radio in many a year Really, Tallulah? And as for us, Tallulah What? Next Sunday, we have another star study list of guests Including Fred Allen, Clive Brooke, Portland Huffer, Frankie Lane, Ethel Merman, Herb Shreiner, Margaret Truman, and others And, of course, our very own Meredith Wilson And the big show, Oxford and Chorus And until then, may the good Lord bless and keep you For the near and far away Judy? And your future ten May you walk with sunlight And a bluebird Good night, darlings And guard speed to our armed forces Who hear these broadcasts each week all over the world The big show next Sunday at this time When our guests will be Fred Allen, Clive Brooke, Portland Huffer, Frankie Lane, Ethel Merman, Herb Shreiner, Margaret Truman, and others Meredith Wilson and the big show, Oxford and Chorus And, of course, every week your host is the glamorous, unpredictable, Tallulah Bankhead The big show is produced and directed by D. Engelbach And written by Goodman Ace, Selma Diamond, George Foster, Mort Green, and Frank Wilson This is Ed Hurley, he's speaking