 DBS presents Our Miss Brooks starring Eve Arden. Our Miss Brooks is a schoolteacher. To be specific, she teaches English at Madison High. Connie Brooks is pretty enthusiastic about her work, too, in fact, in her own words. Although teaching isn't the most profitable career in the world, you must admit the hours are appalling. But there's always my secret heartthrob, Mr. Boynton. He's the biology teacher at school, and a sweeter, more intelligent scientist never brushed off an English teacher to play footsie with a frog. But he'll come around. Even a biology teacher must sooner or later get a little biological. Meanwhile, I can dream, can't I? Yes, Connie Brooks can dream. Even now, she's in the middle of the sweetest dream of them all. The one that comes right before 7 a.m. Hold me closer, Mr. Boynton. There. Now kiss me. Oh. How does that make you feel? That's what it does to me, too. Oh, shut it off. Miss Brooks, you'll be late. Kiss me again, Mr. Boynton. Miss Brooks, you have to go to school. For this, I don't have to go to school. Oh. Oh. Good morning. Well, if it isn't my favorite landlady. Oh, good morning, Mrs. Davis. What in the world are you dreaming about? Oh, nothing much. Just a school. I was giving an English lesson. Well, from the way your lips were puckered, I thought you were taking a bugle lesson. Better get up here. Today's the day you're supposed to find out about that new job as head of the English department from your new principal. Oh, that's right, Mrs. Davis. For three years I've been waiting for that job. Three years of scrimping and scraping to get along. Now it's all going to be different. With this raise, I'll be able to run down to Miami once in a while, and after I've had the job a while, I might even go abroad. Paris. The Riviera. Beerits in the spring. The Casino at Monte Carlo. Just how much more money does this new job pay, Miss Brooks? $6 a month. You better watch your step at Monte Carlo. Money goes pretty fast down there. Money goes fast anywhere. I haven't been able to catch any for years. Now hurry and get dressed, dear. I have a lovely surprise for your breakfast. Another one of your surprise recipes, Mrs. Davis? I hope it's not clam fritters again. You see, dear, come along. Dear, here's your surprise. Armenian pancakes. They've been setting for five days. What else could they do? I mean in goat's milk. It takes five days for it to get good and sour. Sour goat's milk? Here, try a bite off this fork. Don't pay any attention to the smell. Oh, please, Mrs. Davis, no. Well, just one bite. Tell the truth now. Aren't they delicious? I don't want to hurt your feelings, Mrs. Davis, but if I were the goat responsible for this concoction, I would hang myself by my own beard. If you don't mind, I'll have to pass out the pancakes. But, Miss Brooks, it's a crime to throw out these pancakes. What's the crime? Carrying concealed weapons? You've got to have some breakfast. Could I squeeze you a persimmon or two? No, thanks. I'll grab a kumquat on my way to work. Hey, it's funny Walter Denton isn't here yet. He knows I wanted to get to school a little early this morning and meet the new principal. Rather convenient to have one of your pupils drive you around. Yes, my Chevy's still in the shop. I had a little accident Saturday. I ran into a parked car. Oh, that's too bad. I hope you reported it to the police. I didn't have to. They were sitting in the car. Oh, that's good. I'll get it. Oh, Miss Brooks. Come in, Walter. Well, Walter Denton, how have you shot up since I saw you last? You saw me yesterday, Mrs. Davis. My, how time flies. Come on, Walter, I've got to get down early. The new principal takes over today. What's his name, dear? Mr. Conklin, Osgood Conklin. Osgood Conklin? Well, I've known him for years. We went to school together. Really, Mrs. Davis? What kind of a man is he, anyway? Well, the other children used to call him Stoneface because he never laughed. Oh, fine. Well, I shouldn't say never. I did hand him a laugh one time when we were out ice skating. He was practically in hysterics. What happened? I broke my leg. He sounds about as friendly as a subpoena. Correct any nonsense of this new school, Martha. Or my name isn't Osgood Conklin. I've heard all about their lack of principal and discipline, and I won't have it. Do you hear? No one is going to interfere with my making Madison High a well-run school. No one. If anyone gets in my way, I'll crush them. Step on them like so many ants. Squash them. That's nice. Pass the marmalade, dear. And help yourself with some more toast. I hate toast. As I was saying, Martha, I'm sure that the faculty at Madison High is totally incompetent. Oh, please, Osgood, you mustn't let it irk you. Irk? Irk? Drink a little water, dear. It'll go away. No understanding, no cooperation. Nobody knows what a difficult job I'm faced with. It's awful. Awful. Please, Osgood, can't you talk without barking? Honestly, sometimes I think Prince is the only one who can really understand you. Prince? Don't mention that lazy mutt to me. Look at him over there. Dead to the world. Well, it's getting late. Now where's my hat? Confound it, where's my hat? Please, dear, don't bark. I'm not barking, Martha. Once and for all, I don't bark. I understand you. Now be sure to drive carefully on your way to school. Oh, don't tell me how to drive the car. I'm not, dear. It's just that after all the work you put in, polishing it on Sunday, I'd hate to see this. Stop worrying. I did the work, didn't I? Ah, look at her out there. Nothing takes a wax polish like a black touring car. Well, Osgood, you better get started. You don't want to set a bad example for your new teacher. I'll show them a thing or two. I'll show them. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Oh, shut up, Prince. Goodbye, Martha. Before we get to school, Miss Brooks, there's something I'd like to talk to you about. It's a girl. Naturally. Who is it this time, Walter? Well, she's the baker's daughter, Penelope Miller. When I kissed her for the first time the other night, I knew she was different. But, Walter, you've kissed a lot of girls. What's so different about Penelope Miller? She tastes like caraway seeds. Oh, brand. She's probably built like a pumpernickel. Now, look, Walter, I've got a lot on my mind today, what with trying to make a good impression on the new principal. Well, all I want you to do is help me write her a letter, Miss Brooks. You see, she doesn't think that I'm mental enough. I can't understand it. And I figured you being an English teacher, as well as a woman, well, you'd know how to make her think I was brainy. You know, intelligent. I hate to trade on just my sheer animal magnetism. You know what I mean? Well, you are a little beastly in spots, Walter. Don't blame yourself. Penelope just doesn't appreciate yet that a man is the thing to be treasured. Well, will she appreciate it? When she gets to be my age. Oh, I couldn't wait that long, Miss Brooks. What? Well, I'm sorry, Miss Brooks. I guess I'm not very mental at that, but you will help me out, won't you? I'll come over to Mrs. Davis' tonight and we'll write a letter together. What do you say? Well, I don't know, Walter. Walter, look out. That car. What car? That big black touring car. Big black touring car? Not quite as big as it was. Why don't you watch where you're? My fenders. My shining fenders lying in the gutter. Walter, put the man's fenders back on. Oh gee, Mr. I didn't mean to... You didn't mean? Why didn't you look where you were going? Well, gosh, it takes two to make an accident. A brilliant observation. But it just happens that I was only going 15 miles an hour. You should have been going 30. We'd have missed you by a block. Now, see here you red-haired joy rider. It was probably your fault. My fault? Why don't you learn how to drive that hopped-up hearse of yours? Hopped-up hearse? Now listen here, young woman. I've tried to control my temper. But if you want to play rough, I can get plenty rough. Walter, I've got to run along. I'll leave you to straighten out barking boy. Barking boy? That's the second time today I've been accused of barking. Young woman, I'll have you know I do not bark. Who's your friend? Go home, Prince. No classes haven't started yet. Let me see. Pick up my mail first and then... Oh, hello, Mr. Boynton. Hello, Miss Brooks. Isn't it a coincidence that we're in the same mailbox? Not an overwhelming coincidence. You see, your last name begins with the same letter mine does. Well, that's a start. You have such a quick mind, Mr. Boynton. Well, it is thorough. Personally, I think you tax it too much. Don't you think you need more recreation if you know what I mean? Well, carrying on my biology experiments is recreation enough. You don't know what I mean. Of course I also collect stamps. Oh, that sounds exciting. There's no end to the possibilities. Have you ever tried your hand at beadwork? No, I don't believe I have. Is it fun? Fun? Why, it makes you just tingle all over. Well, we must string a few together sometime. And basket weaving can be thrilling, too. Really? Yes, if we're both in the same basket. So much for the world of sports. Miss Brooks, if you don't mind my changing the subject, are you going to be busy tonight? Busy? Me? Mr. Boynton, I couldn't be unbusier. Well, I'd like to come over after dinner, that is, if we can be alone. Alone will be absolutely isolated. I hope you don't think I'm too forward, Mr. Boynton, but I've anticipated this moment for quite a while. Remember the day about five years ago when I first came to Madison High, rounded a turn in the corridor, and bumped smack into you? Oh, yes, I was teaching chemistry then. You put quite a dent in my Bunsen burner. Yeah. Well, you know, that was the day I first suspected that we'd be more to each other than just fellow faculty members. And when were your suspicions confirmed, Miss Brooks? On our very next date, when you took me to lunch. Two years later. Gad, you were a fast worker. I don't blame you for kidding me, Miss Brooks. I guess I'm not much of a whirlwind romantically. Then most scientific people aren't. You see, the study of evolution alone tends to slow down any of the mere intemperate reflexes. You must realize that a tremendous period of time was involved before the single cell divided itself in the sea and adapted itself to the land and the air. Countless centuries passed before lower forms of life and new shapes and generations before the mammal family produced the ape family and before the ape family produced the human family. What have you been waiting for me to do? Slip back a notch? Well, what time do you think you'll be able to come over tonight, Mr. Bunsen? Mr. Bunsen, Miss Brooks, let us not tarry. Your new principal, Mr. Conklin, is due at any moment. Oh, we'll be sorry to see you go, Mr. Darwell. Yes, you've been a wonderful principal, Mr. Darwell. Why did the Board of Education decide to have you transferred? Ours not to reason why. Ours but to teach and dive. As the great Socrates so aptly phrased it, if you've got to go, you've got to go. Of course, I am genuinely sorry to leave all medicine high, but then, with teachers and teachers can't afford sentiment. We can't afford anything. As the great Professor Einstein so aptly phrased it, murder, ain't it? You know, I still hope I can land that job as head of the English department, don't I? Well, that will depend upon the impression you make on Mr. Conklin. I'm taking him on a tour of inspection as soon as he arrives, Miss Brooks. Your class will be the first one visited. Oh, the first class visited? Oh, gosh, Mr. Boynton, if I'm to impress Conklin, I'll have to hurry and get things in order. I'd better go in and erase the children and see that the blackboards aren't throwing spitballs. Oh, Miss Brooks, you're a bundle of nerves. You look sort of faint here. I'll put my arms around you until you study yourself. Oh, no, you won't, Mr. Boynton. Just because you happened to catch me at a weak moment, I'm not letting you put your arms around me. My father told me about men like you. And why are you putting your arms around me? My mother told me about men like you, too. All right, now, class, please let me have your attention. As many of you know, our new principal, Mr. Osgood Conklin, takes over his duties today. So if he should drop in here at any time, there's no reason for any of us to be nervous, self-conscious, or head of the English department. I mean, we'll just go on in our normal manner. Now, to take up where we left off yesterday... Pardon me, Miss Brooks, but Mr. Conklin and I just happened to be passing by. Oh, I come right in, Mr. Darwell. This way, Mr. Conklin. Mr. Conklin, this is our Miss Brooks. How do you do, Miss Brooks? Glad to make your equatum in it. Oh, thanks, Mr. Conklin. Glad to make your equatum in it, too. Oh, you two have met. We sort of ran into each other this morning. Darwell, this is the young lady in the accident I told you about. Oh, Mr. Conklin, I have an idea. Why don't we skip English and drop in on the... Now that I know just who Miss Brooks is, I'm particularly interested in watching her conduct her class. Go right on, Miss Brooks. Well, all right, Mr. Conklin. Now, class, I'm going to read some lines to you, which I'd like you to... I mean, that I'd like you to... Well, I want you to tell me whom. No, who? I'd like the name of the author of the following stuff. It's Romans countrymen, lend me your ears. I come to bury Conklin, not to praise him. That is to bury Caesar. Hand, please. You've all got them, you know. Just look at the ends of your sleeves. Winona, I can always depend on Winona. Who wrote those lines, Winona? I don't know. I just want to leave the room. Never mind the blindfold, Captain. Just give me a cigarette. Come in, Miss Brooks. How is everything? Well, frankly, Mr. Boynton, I'm a little tired. I just lost two out of three falls to Mr. Conklin. You've met the new principal. What's he like? He looks like he was weaned on a vinegar popsicle. Mr. Boynton, I just dropped by to see what time you're coming over tonight. Tonight? Yes, one of my students is stopping by for a few minutes. I've promised to write an intellectual letter for him to a girlfriend he's trying to impress. Penelope Miller. Penelope Miller? Yes, she tastes like caraway seeds. If you could just let me know what time you're coming over. Well, I'm not sure about tonight at all right now. I'm quite worried about Violet. Violet? Yes, the white mouse I use in some of my experiments. Steady, Violet, dear. Steady, dear. I'm just going to hold you for a minute. Mr. Boynton, if you could just... You know, I don't like the feel of her stomach. Mr. Boynton... It's lumpy. Well, Mr. Boynton, you told me this morning... Well, frankly, Miss Brooks, at that time, I didn't know about Violet's condition. You understand. I have to... I know. You have to sit up with a lumpy mouse. Well, she's terribly peeked lately. I don't know what it is. I think I'd better have a look at her cage. Hold on a minute. Will you hear? Miss Brooks, you dropped! Just stop that screaming! And let go of your studs! And this, Mr. Compton, is our biology laboratory. Why, Miss Brooks, what are you doing on that desk? And where is Mr. Boynton? He's under the table with Violet. Violet? So that's what goes on in the biology laboratory of Madison High. Oh, but Mr. Conklin, I'm sure... So am I very sure. Come, Mr. Darwell, I'll be back when Violet is out from under the table. Oh... Got it, Miss Brooks. Poor thing was scared to death. Here. And look at her, isn't she sweet? Isn't Violet a beauty? She's ravishing. And may I tell you something else, Mr. Boynton? What's that? You make a lovely couple. Principal's office, Osgoode Conklin speaking. Who's calling, please? Mrs. Davis. Margaret Davis? Oh, yes, the girl I used to go ice skating with. How's your leg? Do you want me to come over to dinner? Well, I'm afraid I... Say there's a teacher living with you that you want me to meet. Miss Brooks. Well, I'd like... Miss Brooks! Now look here, Margaret. I've already met that redhead. Mr. Conklin. Hold the phone, Margaret. Yes? I'm Matilda Denton at the school board. I have reason to suspect that my boy, Walter, a pupil at this institution, has fallen into the clutches of one of your female teachers. What? Yes. He told me that he had a date with the woman tonight at her home. And here, this note fell out of his pocket when he came home from school. Let me read that, please. At last, I've got what I want. Red hair and a tough, sturdy body. Red hair. Good heavens! Well, Mr. Conklin, have you any idea who this nefarious woman might be? Yes, I have, Mrs. Denton. Pardon me. Hello, are you still there, Mrs. Davis? Well, I haven't been to a Turkish bath. No. No, I haven't been to a Turkish bath. Now listen, I have reconsidered. I shall be delighted to dine this evening with you and Miss Brooks. Mr. Conklin, I'll give you just 24 hours to find out who my boy is traipsing around with. Listen, Mrs. Denton! Listen, Mrs. Davis! You'll get to the bottom of this matter quickly, or there'll be a new principal here at Madison High. Quiet, both of you! Don't you bark at me! I'm not barking! Do you like your dinner? Very interesting, Mrs. Davis. I've never tasted this kind of meat before. Just what is it? It's our usual Monday night supper. Seal burgers. I dig these dishes into the kitchen and see about the coffee. I make Bulgarian coffee, you know. It's strained through a grapefruit rind. Now then, Miss Brooks, let's get right to the point, huh? What would you think of a teacher who would allow a student to become infatuated with her and then lead him on? I think she was pretty terrible, Mr. Conklin. Who's the teacher? Well, we haven't any positive proof, but the boy's name is Walter Denton. Well, I think they both ought to be arrest... Walter Denton? Yes, Miss Brooks. You can't deny that you were in the car with young Denton this morning. But he was just giving me a lift until my car is fixed. I never see the boy at any other time. Are you sure about that, Miss Brooks? Oh, I'm positive, Mr. Conklin. Must be my laundry. Your laundry at 8 p.m.? I deal with the owl laundry. They only come out at night. Excuse me, Mr. Conklin. I'll be back in a minute. All right, Miss Brooks. Hi, Miss Brooks. I keep you waiting. Yes, but not long enough. Look, Walter, would you come back some other time? Come on, let's get into the living room. No, Walter, no. I'm anxious to get that letter started. You're not so loud, Walter. Mr. Conklin is in the dining room. Oh, the new principal? Yes, and if he finds you here tonight, we'll both be out of here. Well, no, it's good. We'll have our coffee in the living room. I'm not great. Quick, Walter, hide. Get behind those curtains behind the window. Oh, yeah? Just a minute later. Get in back of them. Who was it that rang, dear? Oh, it was just a wrong number, Mrs. Davis. On the doorbell? I mean, the wrong house number. You seem quite nervous, dear. Oh, I'm all right. Come and get some coffee. It'll calm you down. Thank you. The Bulgarians drink it flat on their back, you know. I'll be flat on my back any minute, and I wish I was in Bulgaria. Why, you're trembling like a leaf, Miss Brooks, and you're all flush. Well, it is rather warm in here, don't you think? If it isn't too much trouble our good, would you mind pulling back those curtains and opening the window? Oh, no, not the curtains. No trouble at all. I'd be only too happy to open the window. And I'll be only too happy to jump out of it. There we are. Well, where is he? What's become of him? What's become of who? Bobby Breen. He used to send me. Come on over to the couch, Connie. You're still overwrought. Well, thank you. I'll lay right down here. Oh, no, thank you. I'll get you a pillow. You know, I keep pillows in the window seat just for emergencies. I always say you never know when you need them. By hello, Walter. Here you are, Miss Brooks. Just make yourself... Ow! Margaret, Margaret, what's the matter? Walter, get... Just as I thought. Miss Brooks, where are you going? I thought I'd run down to the Belgian Congo for the weekend. Sit down, Miss Brooks. Young man, what were you doing in that window seat? If you'll only give me a chance, Mr. Conklin, I can explain. Go ahead. What were you doing in there? Hiding. Walter, tell them just why you came here tonight. Well, I came here to see Miss Brooks. I thought we'd be alone. Oh-ho! Oh, no! I thought she was only going to help me write a letter to my girlfriend. I see. Now, let's hear you explain this, Miss Brooks. Here, read this page from Walter's diary. Mine? What is this? At last, I've got what I want. Red hair and what a tough, sturdy body. Walter! I wish everybody would stop saying Walter. Look, this isn't even my writing. Here, look at the other side. See, that's my biology notes from yesterday. I asked Mr. Boynton to loan me a piece of paper. Mr. Boynton wrote that? Miss Brooks, don't you get it? Get what? Red hair. It's you he's writing about. Mr. Boynton? Me? Just what he wanted? Tough and sturdy body. Well, I am strong. Surely you're not pleased, Miss Brooks. I'm not? I mean, I'm not. Oh, Mr. Boynton. Mr. Boynton. I thought you said we were going to be alone, Miss Brooks. You too. What's happening around here? Haven't you heard? I've been made queen for a day. Boynton, I'd like to know whether you wrote this or not. Let me see it, sir. Yes, I wrote it. I was supposed to go into my diary. What's wrong with it anyway? She is strong and I did work hard to get her. Oh, Mr. Boynton, please, not in front of everybody. It took 23 generations of crossbreeding to get a red-backed mouse like that. Red-backed mouse? Mouse? Amazing. Miss Brooks, I'm afraid I've done you a grave injustice. You most certainly have, Mr. Conklin. You've placed your own meaning on an unfortunate incident. But I... You've accused me of misconduct with no proof whatsoever, and you've acted in general like a narrow, bigoted, unfair person. But, Miss Brooks... Mr. Conklin, I never want to see or talk to you again as long as I live. Not even about the job as head of the English department? Mr. Conklin, I've done you a grave injustice. Let's sit down on the love seat and talk this thing over. Well, we'll take it up first thing in the morning, Miss Brooks. I've got to be getting home now. Come on, Walter, we'll take the bus together. Oh, we don't have to take the bus, Mr. Conklin. I've got my car outside. Your car? After our collision this morning? Oh, after I left you, I hit another car and everything snapped back into place. Well, good night, all. Good night, Walter. Good night, Mr. Conklin. Good night, Mr. Conklin. Well, now there's just the three of us, Mr. Boynton. Mrs. Davis and you and I. T, it's a beautiful night. Look at that moonlight streaming through the windows. If one would take a hint, there'd just be two of us. Two of us and one sofa. I said if one would take a hint, there'd just be two of us. Well, here we are, just the two of us. Good. How about a little gin rummy? Mrs. Davis three across, but I'd rather have lost to Mr. Boynton. He's certainly naive, my little biology boy. But though he's shy, he's glad of I, and I'm sure he'll soon realize that the greatest thing he'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. How often have you picked up a newspaper and read about an automobile accident? Chances are you think of accidents like that as always happening to someone else. If you could count on that, there'd be nothing for you to worry about, but chances are also that those very people you read about had the same feeling until something actually did happen to them. All it takes is that one brief moment of carelessness, but it can cause a lifetime of anguish. In almost every automobile accident, there are one or more violations of the law, yet those laws are made specifically for the purpose of preventing accidents. Our Miss Brooke, starring Eve Arden, is produced and directed by Larry Burns. The script was written by Al Lewis with music by Wilbur Hatch. Next week at the same time, Columbia Will Gunn presents another adventure in the far from grassed life of our Miss Brooke, starring Eve Arden. Bob Stephenson speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.