 The Jell-O program coming to you from the stage of the Ritz Theater in New York City starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with I Hear Bluebirds. You know, friends, it used to be common kitchen practice to measure ingredients by a pinch of this or a little dab of that. But that was long ago before this modern scientific day of level teaspoons and exact oven temperatures. Nowadays, the wise housewife makes it a habit to be strictly accurate, not only in cooking and preparing recipes, but in buying the foods that go into those recipes. For example, women today don't ask their grocers for just a gelatin dessert. No, sir, they're much smarter than that. They ask for Jell-O. And in that way, ladies and gentlemen, they make sure every time of getting that rich distinctive quality and flavor, which is made Jell-O famous the world over. So protect your plagiar and your pocketbook as well by always asking for Jell-O by name. Look for those big red letters on the box. They tell you that here is America's favorite gelatin dessert, Jell-O. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the latest and greatest of Western heroes, a rugged two-fisted cowboy who rides like Roy Rogers, hoots like Hoot Gibson, hops like Hopalong Cassidy, and skips like Allison Skipworth, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you. Yippy again, folks. This is two-gun Benny talking. Bang, bang. And, Don, I gather from your introduction that you've seen Buck Benny rides again at the Paramount this week. Tell me, how did you like it? Well, Jack, I'm not saying this just because I'm a friend of yours, but the picture was swell and you were great in it. Really? But I thought you told me it was going to be in Technicolor. We tried Technicolor, but it didn't work out. You see, Don, due to a peculiar pigment in my skin, I photograph plaid. In fact, you couldn't tell where my suit left off and my face began. Tell me, Don, how did the picture go over? Did the audience seem to enjoy it? Well, Jack, you mean to tell me that you haven't seen your old picture yet? Well, I've been meaning to, Don, but it slipped my mind. I must drop in there one of these days. Why, Jack Benny, what are you talking about? Mary, I'm speaking to Don. The idea of telling him a big fib like that. What do you mean, Mary? Well, never mind. Jack got a job as an usher at the Paramount so he could see his picture six times a day. Now, wait a minute, Mary. That wasn't me at all. That was my cousin Boo Boo. We look exactly alike in a uniform. Well, all I know is I said, hello, Jack, the cousin Boo Boo, and you turned plaid. Mary, that wasn't me ushering. How many times do I have to tell you that it wasn't me? Well, Jack. Stubbs, please? I mean, what is it, Don? See, Mary, you got me all confused. What do you want, Don? I can't imagine you're taking a job as an usher while you can go in and see your picture anytime you want to. For heaven's sake, Don, are you going to fall for everything Mary says? I told you it was my cousin Boo Boo. We resemble each other except that he has a mole on his chest. What are you laughing at? You got a hula dancer with a mole on yours. Now, Mary, for the last time, will you lay off? Lay off a lalani. And if it's all right with you, I'd like to go back to where we were before you came in. Say, Don, did you see the reviews on the picture? They were swell, weren't they? Yes, they were, Jack, especially the one in weekly variety. Oh, I missed that. What did it say? It said, uh, Buck Bunny is very good entertainment. Well... And that Mark Sandridge, the director, had again exercised his hypnotic influence over you. Well, that's the hypnotic influence. What do they mean by that? Well, I suppose it means that you're just a fair actor, but that Mr. Sandridge hypnotized you into being a great one. Hypnotize me? That's a lot of baloney. I wasn't hypnotized at all. Then why were you laying in that department store window for a week? Oh, my goodness, I hope I was decent. Wait till I see Mark Sandridge. Take it easy, Trilby. Well, if you think I'm going to stand for that... Oh, hello, Phil. Hiya, Jackson. What are you burned up about? I just found out something. Were you ever hypnotized, Phil? What do you mean? You know, where everything goes blank and you don't know where you are. Yeah. Boy, was I hypnotized last night. Phil, there's a difference between hypnotized and paralyzed. So you were out celebrating, eh? Why not? Did you see the swell notices I got on our picture? What notices? Here's one right here. Get a load of this in yesterday's paper. It says Phil Harris definitely scores both as a comedian and a dramatic actor. Let's have more of this sterling artist in pictures. Let's see that. Hey, wait a minute. That's not a movie review. That's in the letters to the editor column. Well, what about it? The public writes them, don't they? Public nothing. This letter is signed F. Remley. And Frank Remley is your guitar player. Of all the nerve. Take it easy, Jackson. Just because Franky works for me don't mean he ain't sincere. Look, Phil, that's silly. All your friends know that you two are always together. Why didn't he sign the letter anonymous? That's it, Franky. That's the word we were trying to think of. Yeah. Oh, brother, Phil Harris definitely scores. Look how he spells definitely, D-E-A-F. You know, Phil, I hate to ask a sterling artist like you to play a band number right now, but we're about due for one, so get going. Say, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Dennis. I didn't see you. What do you want? I just want to tell you how much I enjoyed your picture the other night. Well, that's very nice of you, Dennis. And I want to thank you for showing me to that swell seat down in front. Dennis! Now forget it. Go ahead, Phil. Showing him to a seat? Hey, what is this? Jack's working his way through the Paramount this week. All right, now, fellas, I've had just about enough of this. I haven't been working at the Paramount. I'm not an usher there, and I'm still running this program. Now go ahead, Phil, play something. Okay. You want a hot tune like Benny Goodman or a sweet tune like Guy Lombardo? Just play a blow the roof off tune as only you can do it. Soft tune like Guy Lombardo, yes. Hit it. Hold it a minute. Answer the phone, Mary. Okay. You know, Phil, no matter what you play, it always sounds like... Hello? Yes, he's here. It's for you, Jack, Mr. Whitman calling. Mr. Whitman? He says he's the manager of the Paramount Theater. Oh, yes. I better talk to him out in the hall. What's the matter with this phone? It's none of your business. I'll be right back, fellas. That's what he wants. Hello? Oh, hello, Mr. Whitman. Yes? Yes, this is number 32. What's that? Isle 4 is in an uproar? Well, I can't help that. I'm a balcony man, myself. I know, but Mr. Whitman... But... Hurry up, Jack. I'll be there in a minute, Mary. But now, wait a minute, Mr. Whitman. I don't care if I did make a mistake. You're not going to transfer me to Flatbush. All right, I'll be over in a little while. Goodbye. Oh, gone more complications. I knew I should have got someone to do my broadcast for me today. All right, Phil, go ahead with your number. What did the manager of the Paramount want to talk to you about? Mary got it wrong. It was the Paramount Clothing Company. They're making a suit for me. And they're sending the coat right over. But the pants are going to Flatbush. Now, Mary, I told you to lay off. Okay, 32. What's she talking about? Play, Phil. Mary, 32 is my waist measurement. That was Woodpecker's song played by Phil Harris and is Peter Van Steedon's Stooges. You know, Phil, I like these boys you borrowed from Van Steedon better than your own band. You do? Sure, they're real musicians. You notice how they keep their eyes on you when you're directing a number? Yeah, why do they do that? It makes me feel self-conscious. Well, it is a new experience for you. But, Phil, I notice when the boys play just now, the fellow with the flute seemed to be way off. He sounded pretty bad. Next, Jackson, that's Van Steedon himself. Van Steedon? Sure. Come on over here, Pete. I want you to meet Jack Benny. Nuts to him! Nuts to you too! Come on over here. You've got a nice reception there. How are you, Mr. Van Steedon? I feel like a piano. Grand. Not bad for a starter. He's from the Allen program, all right. Hey, lay off of him, Jackson. Van Steedon's got a terrific sense of humor. Thanks, Deb. Okay, Zeke. What a team. Zeb and Zeke. They make me seek. You said it. Hey, Van Steedon, this is Mary Livingston. Well, glad to meet you. How about stepping out tonight, Livvy? You should Livvy so long. Mary, don't be crudy. He's Mr. Harris' guest. Well, he's got a lot of nerve. I just met him, and right away he wants me to have dinner with him in the El Morocco. Mary, he didn't say a word about the El Morocco. Well, that's where we're going. Oh, you got it all settled. You hear that, Pete? You and Mary are going to the El Morocco. I ain't no Arab. Get it, Phil. Oh, yeah. Hey, Jackson. What? Did you hear him and I on us the people the other night? What? What was that, Phil? I said, did you hear him and I on us the people? That's we, the people. I don't know how a pair like you could ever do a guest shot on an intelligent program. Oh, you don't, huh? Well, get a load of this. They've even asked us to go on another big program Tuesday night. Imitation, please. Imitation, please. He means inflation, please. That's information, please. You two guys couldn't get on that program if Max C. Rosenblum asked the question. And that went better even than Abe Leimann. Believe me. Listen, brother. What? Brother, you wouldn't be so hot on that program yourself. No, I wouldn't, eh? Well, here's some news for you, Phil. I was invited to go on information, please, only last week, but I didn't accept the offer. Why not? You didn't know anything. I knew enough not to go on, didn't I? Say, Pete, let me ask you something. How long have you been band leader on the Fred Allen program? Oh, about five years. Five years with Allen? Oh, my goodness. How can you stand it? It doesn't bother me at all. I understand, huh? I get it, kid. Well, Peter, you can go back to your band Sedona. We've got to continue with our program. Okay, Jackson. Yes, sir. Now, let's see. Oh, Dennis. Yes, please? It's about time for your song. What's it gonna be tonight? I'm gonna sing Say It from your new picture, and I dedicate it to my girlfriend, Miss Fifi LaRose. Dennis, we had that all thrashed out. I told you, Fifi's my girl, so forget about her. Oh, Jack, I think it's a crime. Dennis gets a girl, and you take her away from him. Well, she's a gold digger, and I don't want Dennis going out with her. But, Jack, you're hardly the type of fella that would go out with a gold digger. Don't worry about me, Don. I can handle him. I'll say you can. Tell down what you pulled last night. Never mind. Wasn't very. Fifi wanted to go to the store club, and Jack told her it was a maternity hospital. Well, it worked. Anyway, we saw a wonderful movie instead. I was Rochester in it. Shut up! Now, Dennis, as long as you're standing there with your mouth open, you might as well go into your song. I never saw such a hectic... Hold it a minute. Come in. Hello. Am I intruding? Well, we are right in the middle of a program. Well, look, could I say hello to Don Wilson? My wife and I are his most ardent fans. Don Wilson, word. There he is. Say, aren't you the same... Oh, how do you do, Mr. Wilson? Well, how do you do? I'm so glad to know that you're such a loyal fan of mine. Oh, I'm a regular pest around my neighborhood. Everybody says to me, oh, you and your big fat Don Wilson. I know I've seen that fella before. I know it. Thank you. Thank you very much, Mr... Mr... Jerk Finkel. I knew it! The name is Logan Jerk Finkel. I knew it? Now, look here, Logan. What's the big idea? Last week you came up here and said that I was your favorite. I switched. Well, frankly, Jerk Finkel, I'm... I'm disappointed in you. Oh, stop, Jack. You're a bigger Finkel than he is. Well, thanks, but I can't understand the guy. Last Sunday, he said that I was his number one entertainer. Well, look, Mr. Benny, comedy is all right, but when Don Wilson talks about jello, it just makes me forget everything. Oh, well, thank you, Mr. Jerk Finkel. Now, Mr. Wilson, I hope I'm not imposing, but would you mind saying a few words right now about my favorite dessert? Oh, I'll be glad to, Logan. Ladies and gentlemen, whenever you're in the mood for attempting an appetizing dessert, run down to your neighborhood grocer and ask him for a package of jello. Sing it, kid. You will find that jello is not only economical and easy to make, but that it comes in six delicious flavors. You tell him, chubby. So remember, ladies and gentlemen, always be sure to insist on genuine jello. And look for the big red letters in the box. I just couldn't wait. Well, you heard what you wanted, Logan, so will you please go home? We've got to finish our program with Mr. Wilson from Laughing. All right. Where's the door? It's that thing with the knob on it. Goodbye. All right, goodbye. Hope he doesn't follow us to Hollywood. Sing, Logan, or Dennis. Just like an old Valentine. Yet by Frank Lesser and Jimmy McHugh, sung by Dennis Day and accompanied by Phil Harris's orchestra, which is really Peter Van Steedens, except Frank Remley, the guitar player who still thinks he's in Hollywood. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce that we are going to do an additional broadcast from New York City. Next Sunday, for our feature attraction, we are going to offer our version of one of radio's outstanding clam bakes. The program we are going to satirize comes to you every Wednesday night and is headed by a guy who eats cracker jack all year so he'll have Christmas presents for his friends. This ex-juggler also killed vaudeville. Say, Jack, if you're referring to Fred Allen, you've got a lot of nerve to say that he killed vaudeville. Well, he did kill vaudeville. He sent power's elephants back to India. And you back to ushering. Now, cut that out, Mary. Cut that out lest you do a guest appearance in Gimbal's basement. Anyway, folks, be sure and tune in next Sunday for our version of Town Hall tonight. Say, Jack, while we're on the subject of Fred Allen, wasn't Rochester swallowing his program Wednesday night? What? What'd you say? Rochester was on the Fred Allen show. Sure. Didn't you hear him, Jackson? Of course not. He sure spilled the beans on you, Mr. Benny. You mean he had the nerve to go on Allen's program and discuss my private life? Yeah. Rochester said he had to snap water wings on you before you got in the bathtub. That's a lie. I don't even wear him in my swimming pool anymore. I got it right this time. I think that my ballot would be so disloyal. It ain't his fault. Allen asked him questions and Rochester just answered them. Well, that's the most embarrassing thing I ever heard of. The idea of telling Allen I hide money in my mattress. He never mentioned that. Oh. Why don't I keep my mouth shut? Mary, get me Rochester on the phone. What's his number? It's the Teresa Hotel up in Harlem. I've got the number right here. It's Lennox 888-CUM-7. And hurry. Okay. I'll fix him. Now, Jack, don't be too harsh. Remember, they're putting on a tremendous celebration for him up there. I'll say they are. Why do you know I passed the Teresa Hotel the other day and there was a big banner clear across the front of it saying Rochester's headquarters? That burns me up. Burned you up? Why? Why? Because at my hotel in Sherry, Netherlands, all I did was hang a little handkerchief out of the window to dry and they made me take it in. That's why. Hello, Teresa Hotel. I'd like to speak to Rochester Van Jones, please. Give me that phone. Hello? Hello. Rochester? Yeah, just a minute. I'll see if he's unpreoccupied. Unpreoccupied or not, I want to talk to him. Who shall I say is calling, please? In other words, who is you? Who is I? Who is you? I'm Mr. Van Jones' secretary, Mr. D. Witt. Well, I'm Mr. Benny, Rochester's boy. So put him on. Yeah, okay, Mr. Benny, okay. Get all these laps if he's wanted on the phone. I'll find out what's going on. Hello? Is this who I think it is? Bingo! Yes, Rochester, this is Mr. Benny. And I'm awfully sorry to disturb you, but there are a few questions I'd like to ask. In the first place, how can you afford to have a secretary? That makes three of us worried about the same thing. Well, you should worry. Now, Rochester, getting down to business and I want the truth. Were you on Mr. Allen's program last Wednesday? Which Mr. Allen? Mr. Fred Allen. Were you on his program? Let me check on that. Oh, D. Witt? Never mind that. Now, let me ask you something, Rochester. Who gave you permission to appear on Mr. Allen's program? Mr. Allen? Oh, he did. Well, listen, who do you get paid by, Mr. Allen or me? I had a little trouble with both of you. Well, I could have told you that I had trouble with him. What do you give you for appearing there? Toothpaste, alipatica, a smile of beauty and a very little cash. I thought so. I thought so. Say, boss, I don't know whether or to tell you this, but Mr. Allen made me an offer. He wants me to be his valet. I don't know what he wants with a valet. He's only got one suit. Well, it needs prison. You said it. Now, Rochester, what did you do about this offer? I turned him down, boss. Well, thanks, Rochester. I couldn't leave you. Well, thanks. I'm in too deep. Rochester, if you're referring to the back salary I owe you, I'm saving it for you. Later on, I'm going to give it to you in a lump. I'd rather have you dribble it now. Look, Rochester, I didn't call you up to talk finance. I just wanted to understand that you're not to appear on Mr. Allen's program again without my permission. Okay, boss. Make a note of that if you wish. And another thing, you can fire that secretary. That wouldn't do no good. He's a relative. I don't care what he is. Now, goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, Mr. Benny. What? Is it true we're going to stay here one more week? Yes, we are. I'll never make it. So long, boss. Guy, I call up to boil him out. Nothing happened. Say, Jack, are you really saving Rochester's money for him? I certainly am, Don. Someday he'll thank me for it. Hey, Mary? Well, personally, I... Oh, look what time it is. Play, Phil. You'll have to hold that for next week, Mary. And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's all swing into spring with one of the grandest salads of the season. Yes, I'm talking about Jellipimento salad, a gay, brilliant combination of bright red pimento, juicy sweet pickles, and the tart refreshing flavor of rich lemon jello. Now, here's a wonderful treat, and there's no trick at all to making it. All you have to do is first make up a package of lemon jello, next take four individual moles, and to each one put one teaspoon of chopped pimento and two teaspoons of chopped sweet pickle. Then pour in the jello and chill until firm. When it's all ready, serve it on crisp lettuce with mayonnaise and watch the family take up where you left off. Tomorrow, order some lemon jello from the grocer, blend it with crimson pimento and delicious sweet pickle, and decorate the dinner table with this new jello treat, jello pimento salad. Good night, Johnny. Be a good girl, and this is the last number of the 30th program in the current jello series. And we'll be with you again next Sunday night at the same time broadcasting from New York City. Hey, Jackson, Marty Lewis of the movie and radio guide is here, and he'd like to make an announcement. Oh, hello, Marty. Hello, Jack. Ladies and gentlemen, in the last few weeks, our magazine has been conducting its seventh annual Star of Stars poll, and I am very happy to tell you that Jack Benny was again voted the most popular comedian on the air. So congratulations to you, Jack. Thank you. And on behalf of movie and radio guide magazine and the millions of radio listeners, it gives me great pleasure to present to you this trophy. Well, thank you, Marty. Thanks very much. You're welcome, Jack, and I also want to announce that Don Wilson has again been selected as radio's outstanding announcer. Thank you, Marty. Thanks a lot. Well, gee, a trophy and everything. I know just where I'm going to put this in my living room. Hey, Jack. What? The manager of the Paramount just called up and said you better get over there right away or else. Oh, yes, I must hurry. Luckily, I got my uniform on during my... under my suit. Good night. This is the National Broadcasting Company.