 It's time to smile. Peter van Steeden and the iPanet Rubidore is playing I'm Nobody's Baby. Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we take you to Madam Lasonga's School of Dance, where manager Bud Abbott is trying to make an easy mark of Lou Costello. And here they are, the stars of our show, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Step right in folks, Madam Lasonga's School of Dance. Six easy lessons, 50 beautiful horses, and say it there, neighbor, how would you like to dance with a pretty girl? Oh, now, me, kid, I just had a terrible accident. No. Yeah, my car's set. If I don't turn it over, my wife is gonna be mad at me. Well, why don't you dance with a pretty girl's first? Then you can turn your car over. Oh, no, I gotta do it now, or my wife won't like it. Well, I'll explain it to your wife. Where is she? She's under the car. Oh, my goodness, where did the accident happen? Hey, see that car across the street? Right across the street? Yeah. See that wreck over there? Yes. Is that your car? No, that's my wife. Hey, your wife? Yeah, the car is the one with my wife's dress wrapped around it. Oh, I see. It's perfectly done, isn't it? Look, wait a minute. If you had an accident, why didn't you call a police? Why didn't I call a police? Yeah. Because I hit one. Yeah, yeah, you mean you hit a policeman in uniform? No, I hit him in a patrol car. Wait a minute. Did he recognize you? Well, what'd you say? Could he swear to you? Yeah, he could swear to me. And I swear to right back out here. Well, you shouldn't have done that. You should speak softly to a policeman. I did, but he hired me. Quiet now. All right, I'll tell you what to do. Step right in and meet Madam Mazunga. But be careful how you talk. She's very hoity-toity. Hey, is that her over there? That's her. She may be hoity, but she'll never say toity again. Ah, Madam Mazunga, I kiss your hand. Oh, such a warranty. Why does it burn me so? I forgot to take a cigar out of my mouth. Ah, Madam, you have beautiful hands. Beautiful hands. God, just be on a just-like peddle. Rose peddle? Nah, bicycle peddle. All right, I'll kiss it. Now, Madam is ready to teach you la conga. Yes, come let me put my arm around your waist like these. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Now, wait a minute, neighbor. Wait a minute. Are you getting a trifle emotional? Emotional nothing. She's standing on my foot. Get off. I'll tell you something. She could do the la conga. Certainly, but usually when I do la conga, I wear a naked fashion around my waist. Size 48, ain't it? Yeah, how did you know? I used to put the saddle on war radars. Nah, nah, nah. Come here. She's pee. I know, look, no. These lessons are 10 cents each or three for a dollar. How about it? Three for a dollar. Okay. All right. Well, I'm no sucker. Come on. I'll treat you three for a dollar. Give me the dollar. I'll treat you. There you are. You're all set. All set for the first lesson. Are you ready? Right. Position. Music. Lessons over. Final lesson was that. Now, don't get excited. Now, lesson number two. Are you ready? Position. Music. Bella, you don't be violent. I'm not even out of the front line. I'm not even out of the first position yet. I danced divinely. You heard the lady. You should see me when I get a chance to use my yadda push. All right. Look, neighbor, what do you want to do? Tire yourself out. Who's getting tired? Come on, will you? I want to do some dancing or something. I know, but you shouldn't get tired of these things. You said like this. You said music. The band went ta ta ta, ka plump, over. I hate you inventing. All right, the band went ta ta ta. I heard it. Well, that'll be a dollar extra. For what? For listening to the music. Oh! Look, what do you want me to do? You want me to pay for the guy's union card? Now, wait a minute. That's a fine remark to make. You come to my dancing school. I furnish a wonderful orchestra. I give you the benefit of Madam Lozonga's time and talent. And when it's all over, you can't even lift a foot off the floor. Oh, I'm a wallflower. Now you're telling me. I'm a bad boy. Well, why don't you do something about it? I did. I just wrote myself a nasty letter. What did you say in it? I won't know till I get it tomorrow. Well, you should be spanked to impress your mistakes on your mind. Don't you think that's going about it in a roundabout way? Come on. What's the use of talking to you? You're dizzy. I think I am. Yeah, I know it. I don't know what's happening to me lately. I wonder. I'm getting more dizzy. What do you mean? I'm getting spells. Spells? Just the other day, I walked into the World's Fair. I went in the place and everything swam before my eyes. Where did this happen? At the aqua cave. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Benet. Benet Vanuda, before you sing your first song, would you come over here a minute, please? Certainly, Harry. What for? Well, I just thought that since none of our listeners can see how lovely you are, if I could just tell them what you look like, then when you sang. Yeah, they could quick hide the children so they wouldn't be frightened out of a night, please. Oh, no, no, wait. Don't you go getting modest on my hands, Benet. Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Vanuda's attractive figure tonight is sporting a very nice looking outfit. Harry, it's not worth talking about. Oh, yes it is. Well, then it's thanks to my dressmaker. Yeah, all right. The Benet also has a very, well, very cute hairdo. Thanks to my hairdresser. And she has a very attractive smile. Thanks to Ipana toothpaste and massage. And Harry, that's something really worth talking about. Yes, well, enough people are talking about Ipana Benet and using it to make it the largest selling toothpaste in America today. And the reason for that popularity, ladies and gentlemen, is just as plain as the nose on my face. A winning smile, the kind of a smile we all want, depends not only upon sparkling teeth, but upon firm, healthy guns as well. And the creamy, well-cooked foods we eat nowadays do not give our guns the work they need to keep them firm and healthy. So they often become soft and more susceptible to trouble. That's why so many dentists suggest massage with Ipana toothpaste. Just follow this easy modern routine. Every time you brush your teeth with Ipana toothpaste, put a little extra Ipana on your brush or your fingertip and massage it on your gums. In that way, you help promote firm, healthy gums as well as sparkling, lustrous teeth. And you do it with the toothpaste so many dentists use themselves. For in the 1940 National Survey, it was found that Ipana is personally used by twice as many dentists as any other dental preparation, paste, powder, or liquid. Now make their choice your choice. Start massaging with Ipana toothpaste tomorrow. Our lovely singing star, Benavenuta, steps to the microphone to give us her own interpretation of St. Louis Blues. My baby, he's left this town. And last week, Abbot and Costello formed the Wackyville Film Company and presented their first effort, The Life of Daniel Boone. Tonight, we present their second colossal flop, the swashbuckling saga of the high seas entitled Christopher Columbus. With Lou Costello as Christopher Columbus, Bud Abbot as Vespucious, Benavenuta will play the queen, I will play the king, and Peter Van Steeden will play the ace. We need hearty sailors to make this pearl voyage to America. Seaman, seaman, step forward and state your experience. King's fleet, naval base. Captain, kids, pirates, Marine base. A Brooklyn Dodger, third base. All right. Columbus, Columbus, stop fooling. Now, if you're going to discover America, we've got to get started. Did you get any information from the Bureau of Navigation? No, sir. I kept asking the guys, what kind of weather we was going to have for sailing? And all the guys kept saying, hello. We're not a guy that wasn't even there. What are you talking about? He kept saying, hi, a tide. You notice nobody around named Tide? Oh, no, no, no. The man meant Tide was high. All right, so Tide was high. The guy all sober up in the morning. Look, I'm trying to find out about weather conditions. Suppose you're 200 miles out the sea. What happens if you run into a squall? Suppose we're 200 miles out of sea, and we run into a squall. Yes. How are you going to run into an Indian's wife in the middle of the ocean? No, no, no. You don't understand. You know what I'm worried about? Why? Octopus. Octopus? Yes, that's a fish with a face. How do you figure that out? Well, octo is eight. Yes. And a push is a push. Oh, come on, please. That's enough, Castella. I mean Columbus. It's the king. It's the king. It's the king. Uh-uh, I better hide. Last night I sneaked into the king's castle before the draw-bidges was up, and the king's mad about it. Why, why should he be mad? I caught him with his bridges down. All right. Quiet. Quiet, Castella. I mean Columbus. Uh, here's the king. Huh? So you're Columbus? Yes, sir. I'm worried about you. You're in love with my wife. Every night you've been coming to my queen and asking her to let you press your suit. That's going to wash a couple of my shirts. Wait a minute. You asked the queen to wash your shirts? Yes. Queen is a beller of Castile? Yes, sir. What happened? No soap. That's you. That's you. Here, Ricardo. Never the less, Christopher Columbus. As captain of the Castilian Navy, I'm going to make you my first mate. You're going to make me your first mate? I am, yes. Oh, Kingie, I'm going to be your first mate. Are you sure you won't get tired of me? Bosh. I thought I was doing much better. We'd all thought so. Well, I must be getting back to my palace to look over an important paper. But your majesty, why are you so anxious to look over some paper? I've got to see how Dick Tracy's coming out with the Yogi armor. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the queen. The queen. They have a truly a rock. Quiet. That's the queen. What a beautiful voice. She sings like a bird. What kind of a bird? A stool pigeon. Well, you listen. That's me. Hey, Queen Izzy, come here. Ah, tonight, Queen Izzy, you are glamorous. What makes you so beautiful? Every day I bathe in milk. You mind if I ask you something personal? What? How do you get in a bottle? Oh, Christopher, I brought you my jewels. Here's my platinum carnet. My diamond rings. My sapphire brooch. My emerald bracelets. My pearl necklace. Ah, gee whish. Ah, what's that? Christopher, Christopher, why are you crying? I want a Mickey Mouse wristwatch. Well, Christopher, don't cry. I want to remember you as a gay, brave adventurer. Before you go, let us have one last dance. OK, sir. Ah. Columbus, behave yourself. Columbus, if you're going to discover America, we'd better hurry. The barometer's falling. Well, pick it up and let's get going. All right, come on. Pull up that anchor. OK. Wait a minute. Hey, and stop throwing your clothes through that porthole. Porthole? Yeah. I thought it was a little clasp. No, no, no. What? What are all those guys over there doing? Vastitious. Oh, vestitious? Yeah. What are all those guys over there working on in that shipyard? That's a hull of a boat. You're telling me? What are you guys working on? Four days later. Columbus. Four days out and we're making wonderful time. I haven't. How many miles an hour does this boat go? She doesn't go miles. She goes knots. How do you like that? Of all the boats I got to discover America, I've got to pick one that goes knots. No, no, no, no. No, knots, knots are nautical miles. If you ask a sailor how fast the boat is going, he won't tell you miles. He'll say knots. And I'll say knots right back there. No, no, no, no. Was he a fresh guy? No, keep quiet. This is a wonderful boat. It has nice sleeping quarters. A fine dining room in it. Did you get a look at the officer's mess? No, I didn't see anybody's wife on board. No. Maybe she's in the front of the boat. Columbus, you mean forward. Forward is in the front of the boat. After's in the back. The starboard is on the side. Now where's the port? In a bottle. In the icebox. You're a fine sailor to send out to discover America. What would you do if you woke up in the middle of the night and found the boat leaking? What would I do if I found the boat leaking in the middle of the night? Yeah. I'd put a pen under it and go back to bed. No, no, no, no. Here. Let's put it this way. I suppose there's a hole in the side of the boat. A hole in the side of the boat. Now get it right. And the water's rushing in. What would you do? I'd pour a hole in the other side and let it rush out. October 12th, 1492. The intrepid navigator, Columbus, lands in America, where he is greeted by the Indians. Hello, Chief. I'm Vastucious. I want to buy, uh, I want to buy some land. Hey, Abbott. What? I wish you don't buy any of this dirt around here. Why? It's no good. What do you mean it's no good? Oh, come on. Talk since we're overheating it, land. Okay, Chief. Tell me what I want to do. I want to buy Manhattan Isle. How much? Is that your land? Oh, excuse me. Okay. I'll pay you 24 dollars. So? I'll also give you a bottle of rum. What is bottle of rum for? Brooklyn. Peter van Steeden and the I-Paneture of the Doors bring us the title song from the Broadway success Louisiana Fertile War. Presenting the Whack of the Week. Once again, we come to that part of the program where investors Abbott and Costello interview the metal giants of our time. Each week, we bring to our listeners a unique personality, someone whose creative ideas are richly deserving of public acclaim. Tonight's genius is a woman, a style creator, whose radical ideas on women's clothes threaten to revolutionize the world of fashion. She is the author of the book, Fui on Fashion. And here she is, Miss Nancy Barton. Good evening, Miss Barton. You know, Mr. Costello has told me that your book, your very book is very helpful. Oh, really? But Mr. Costello, my book is for women. How could it possibly be helpful to you? Well, I've got a short leg on my kitchen table and your book just fits under it. All right, now, quiet. What am I going to make first? Now, never mind that, Miss Barton. Would you mind telling us some of your ideas on women's clothes? Well, no, not at all, not at all. Too many women are like sheep. They copy dresses of debutantes and other celebrities without regard to their own personality. Now, this fails to express individuality and frequently resulted in poor color harmony. Color harmony? What's that? It's very simple, Mr. Costello. And if you were carrying a pink handbag, you wouldn't wear a green dress now, would you? Oh, I wouldn't dare. Heaven forbid. What would the neighbor say? Why, I'd be the laughing stock of my sewing circle. Mr. Costello. You mean you belonged to a sewing circle? Oh, yes. I just whipped up a swell dress for my wife. Now, Costello, you made the dress yourself without having your wife with you. How did you guess her size? Oh, I tried it on a beer bottle. Yes, I did. And then I took it home and I put on my wife. Yes, and how did it look? It looked better on the beer bottle. Well, what kind of a dress was it? I mean, was it satin? Satin. It looked like somebody's slapping it. Well, from what you say, I take it Mrs. Costello is just a little overweight. A little overweight? Listen, whenever it gets on a scale, it says 135. When I get on a scale, it says 189. When my wife gets on a scale, it says one at a time. Why at a time? Tell me, Mr. Costello, where does she have all this extra weight? Well, if the bustle ever comes back, she won't have to buy one. Well, I'm very sorry. I'm very sorry, Mr. Costello, but I'm afraid your wife wouldn't look good in any kind of a dress. Oh, I wouldn't say that, Red. Why, when she wears... when she wears a sleeveless gown, people admire her. They stand up and cheer. Now that's ridiculous. Why should people stand up and cheer when they see your wife in a sleeveless gown? She's got an American flag tattooed on her arm. All right. Oh, Mr. Costello, your wife must be very patriotic. I'll say she is. She's got another tattoo on her back. A map of North America. Every time she takes a deep breath, Mexico joins the Union. Yeah, I love it. Forget your wife. Miss Barton, I understand that you recently designed a sensational costume called Futuristic Fantasy, which is to be exhibited at the World's Farmer, right? Yes, you're quite right. It throws all convention to the wind. You see, I took one of my models and I covered her with a veritable splurge of color. One dress and half are rainbowed color. Now, once she is blue and the other is yellow, the left side of her hair is dyed green, while the right side is purple. It's remarkable. Have you ever seen anything like that, Costello? Not since I gave up drinking. Oh, no, no, no. It doesn't look as bad as it sounds. It's really a dream. A dream? Don't kid me, lady. That's a nightmare. Infection of color. Now, furthermore, the hat is quite chic. It has three roses with a ribbon on the side. Could you think of anything more attractive? Yeah, four roses with a chaser on the side. That's even more attractive for men, especially if he's a musician, especially if he's in Van Gogh's band, especially if he's Van Gogh's band, especially if he's Van Gogh's band, especially if, especially if. All right, I ain't got any more. All right, well, keep quiet. We're supposed to be discussing clothes. Okay. Ms. Barton, what do you think I ought to wear at a dinner party tomorrow night? Well, now, that depends. Is it a catered affair? I mean, is it being arranged by a caterer? Well, a what? Uh, caterer. Look, when we had that party at my house last week, who supplied the food? Salvation Army. Mr. Costello, this party you're going to is informal. You can wear your tweed. By sure. I can wear my what? Your tweed, Costello. Your tweed. I think your tweed, too. Dollars. Kiss me. No, never mind that. Now, let's get back to Ms. Barton. Oh, thank you. Uh, you know, Mr. Abbott, there are other things besides clothes that contribute to the charm of a woman. For instance, my lady must be careful to choose a perfume in keeping with her personality. Uh, Mr. Costello, there's your white light thing scented. No, she just has some wrapped up. Carry some home or something. I am talking about perfume, shorty. Every woman has a favorite brand. You think your wife would care for my sin? No, ma'am, she don't care what you do. No, no, no. My sin is perfume. All right. Some people just drinking, some are gambling, so your sin is perfume. Ah, no, no. If I was you, I wouldn't go around bragging about it. Of course, Aunt Fleet. My sin is an expensive perfume. But my wife likes Cody's sheep. What a coincidence. My wife likes McGarrett's goat. McGarrett's goat? Oh, I have never been so insulted. As far as I'm concerned, this interview is at an end. Yes, ma'am. Good night. There you are. There you are, you see? Ms. Barton walked out on it. And there are thousands of women listening in who expected to get stale. Intermission on stale. That's all right, that's all right. From now on, I'll take care of it. I'm going to tell the women all over the nation what to wear. You better. Ladies, dear, dear ladies, have you more sure on... Is your husband called to you because you have no allure? He is? The rat. But I'll tell you what to do. Go out and buy yourself a bleary flurro and a cheek little hatchery with panting, petunias, and drooping daisies. Next, put a dab of perfume behind each ear. Personally, I prefer canal number five. And after that, have your nails done over in the latest color. A gruesome green. Then when you're looking your best and you're just adorable and fascinating for me. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if I may, I'd like to ask a question. Oh, no, you don't. If you don't ask me any questions. Oh, thank you, pardon. Who are you, sir? I am a victim. That's what I am. A victim of quiz programs. Every time I go to see a radio show, somebody shoves a microphone under my nose and starts asking me questions. What's your name? What do you do? All I do is answer. I'm tired of it. The night I'm going to ask a few questions. What's your name? Harry von Zell. What do you do? Well, I try to make people understand how much Sal Hepatica will help them when what's Sal Hepatica? It's a famous sparkling saline you should take any time and every time you need a laxative. Why? Well, simply because it helps you feel better faster. You see, Sal Hepatica is a quick-acting laxative, yet it's very gentle. And besides, it also helps counteract excess gastric acidity. Chases that sickish feeling fast. Well, I guess you've answered all my questions. Yes, and you'll find that Sal Hepatica will ideally answer almost everyone's question as to what laxative to take. So get a bottle of Sal Hepatica from your druggist and see how much faster you feel better when you take gentle, quick-acting Sal Hepatica. Hey, young fellow, with that power-looking foot? No, please don't pick on me, Bene. Well, I'm married, but must you stand there with that power-looking foot? Well, I have had an awful day. Well, what happened? Well, I wrecked my car this morning. The coffee burnt my tongue. The bank called me for money, and my nerves are all unstrung. Salon be ruined, my palm be stewed, a neighbor stole my bumbers, shielding and rain. It rains! It rains! It rains! Oh, Harry, stop hiding behind a pillow, whenever the dawn looks gray. Get up, get up, and meet the sun halfway. There may be a fortune waiting, or maybe an aches to play. Get up, get up, and meet the sun halfway. Get in, to begin to rub and scrub you out with your version of the road. Don't ever expect the bright side. Here's a few on a tray. Get up, get up, and meet the sun halfway. Stop hiding behind a pillow, don't look gray. Get up, get up, and meet the sun halfway. Get up, get up, get up, and meet the sun halfway. Meet the sun. Please, so join us next week, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.