 Nothing gets any hotter than a tossed smart water Toward socks, poor box, unused tampon You lose your grip and surely slip while wearing just one crampon I'll get hot on this quarterly if I'm caught by some orderly And a way to the not-hatch he lugs me A bear in my cell of muttering yell Hey! Litterbugs, glitter still bugs me What a gum, what a bum Such a scum to drop it Blow me up a cobble button I would gladly pop it Dog collar fruit baller Or dried up Sharpie Junk like all I hoot and holler Like a snarky Carpy Harpy As I sit in my gloom In a square padded room A poster with vintage shag rug seat Through it all in my paw I will scrawl on the wall Crimes, litterbugs, litter still bugs me Tic-tac, Kit Kat Broken chair and underwear Sure, there's more to find But I just don't wish to look under there Razor blade, window shake And paddle gear and shoe tin Drives me slightly crazier Than Vladimir Putin It will stay in my head Till the day that I'm dead Until my family unplugged me Through the oxygen mask As I cough and I gasp I'll say, litterbugs, litter still bugs me Wind shield wiper, dirty diaper Pink packing peanuts Scented a sniper or a viper They are driving peanuts Sanitary napkin Hypodermic needle Makes me want to curl up In the old position field Till this sick iniquity Results in illiquity And from a jug the cruel world chugs and glugs me I'll pick the same bone While I bone and I roam Oh, litterbugs, litter still bugs me Nine-hold, six-fold, D.C. Double-A and triple I'll squat a lot at every spot And soon I'll be a cripple Pop a can of Trump again To burn her bone and floss stick Curse the heavens above me But though I'm agnostic I try not to cry I wish they would die Yet until this mortal coil shrugs me I'll ever rightly say Each night and each day And litterbugs, litter still bugs me God, it still bugs me I always have humans up Who is legitimately illegitimate A bastard I got a video on how to silence And when I lied about the less than perfect grade My father reminded me that my teacher Was of a Catholic fraternity And he said, Then send me your audience, son Hi, I'm Rick Ains You may have heard that my act is well Toilet Kimber Now that's just not true That's from comedy perhaps But I'm not going to make a single joke about the toilet That's easy That's something any John can do Although some of my best thinking Occurs when I'm resting in the restroom While I'm making water and water closets On occasion I've jaunted down ideas And they're on all-purpose paper Especially when I'm on a roll So why not tell a lavatory story Write a latrine routine But then my loyal fan base doesn't necessarily Want to hear me plumb and plunge The bowels of my brain Scrub the basin of my creativity Sink to tap that level Neither shower them with legarity Nor drain them or make them flush Such a bunch of crap might seem A real pisser to some old fart But it would likely tank A wasted product And create a void in the audience So I'll leave it at that And explore the multiple other rooms That is my mind and soul However, if you're interested in my blue Blue material, be sure to catch my show G. Richard Ames as a dirty old man To be produced somewhere other than Quarry Works 30 years from now After my most devoted fans My parents are gone Until then I'm only going to perform Shit that they would like to see Hope for my birthday by a guard Really shakes, popped into my head In the shower one day I'm sure this limits to the Freaky Drippin' Titty Gravity is the soul of it Count a jump with a brief bit of levity And make that the whole of it Keep each verse, fairly terse Each retort, very short Don't let a gag drag On my dear, I fear you'll lose the troll Tensilizing promises of an infomercial The only one I ever dated into Was for tag away Guaranteed to get rid of skin tags If you notice as I changed shirts It was not at all successful But I've come up with a product That nobody will be able to refuse Let me tell you all about it Remember when your fancy fanny That desirable rump Was to quote the colloquialism As smooth as a baby's bottom You could bounce a core profit But nowadays it's where you fist Will lose chain to the vending machine Are there so many creases you have To guess which is actually the crack Is there a sharp pay in your undies How the ear's been unkind to your behind It's your derriere, very square Do you have a loose camoose A mushy tushy Okay, now I'm just being cheeky You get it Well, worry no more It's time to reboony that, the donkey-donk Straighten out your wrinkly old nest with Buttocks Why not put a shot of botulism in your bum After all, it's already a bad piece of pork Am I right? Buttocks comes in handy Disposable hypothermic doses Or if you're a virtual prick in the rear There's also a convenient Suppository option So don't wait a second longer Operators are sitting by Call 1-888-B-U-T-T-T-O-X Buttocks, it's just the kick of the pants You've been waiting for Buttocks may cause extreme swelling Of the posterior as well as tighten Your back door so much as to create A lack of expression The next song was written in early 1994 Terminology may have changed in the new millennium But the message remains the same We'll be accepting of people who are different from you And if they are not hurting you There's no reason for you to disparage them Embrace the differences While observing the bomb we all share As members of one human family Please, whichever you may be Please make a choice To never judge a person I'm sound of their voice It's something that we're born with And not a thing we choose As long as we're nice to everyone We'll never ever loathe They're all just as equal This woman is the man So never hate a person For the color of their face They're all just as equal This woman is the man For the color of their face They're all thin, short, or tall Human days come So know it is abnormal Cause they're hard to ignore It's something that we're born with And not a thing we choose As long as we're nice to everyone We'll never ever loathe Jack and Jill, Todd and Tim Jack and Jill, Todd and Tim Jack and Jill, Todd and Tim Whichever we prefer Whichever we prefer No one is to blame Cause some like the opposite And some like the same It's something that we're born with And not a thing we choose As long as we're nice to everyone We'll never ever loathe They're all just as equal This woman is the man So never hate a person For the color of their face They're all just as equal This woman is the man And this whimsical Parisian too Since I was barely sentient I've always had a tension For those who pay attention To what I've got to say It's my one true intention To ease the world by tension It is my work and tension That I'm here to pay the way Never fear, we'll stay the day So listen up You silly pop heart Make a note, you billy goat And if I forgot to mention Pay attention Your brain will gain rich tension Your fate will break convention Your soul will attain ascension If you'll only do the deed They say lack of attention Is the mother of invention But if you pay attention You'll invent with greater speed When your pent-up angst is freed So think of that You kitty cat Yow, you're the word You bini bird tweet Are you sitting in detention Pay attention Your life will be more entrenched Your wife will drown for tension No strife, no apprehension True avoidance of all wrath Your back will spout its wrenching Your twinkers will cease its clenching Your legs will feel extension If you walk the righteous path Cause the only choice they'll have So near as now You're daring how to move Pay attention So near as now You're daring how to move Pay some heed, you've never seen any If you want to add dimension Pay attention We laughed and cried and rejoiced In the wonder that he was I often thought of going into youth programming Here's a stab I took at it I'm not quite sure why PBS And the Children's Television Network Didn't pick it up Hi kids, welcome back To this week's edition of Why Things Look The Way They Do With me today is Jenny Hi Jenny And what's your question today? Well say Andy Why does a basketball look like that? I mean it's orange And it's got all those lines on it And why is it so big you can't even Pick it up with one hand Well Jenny, if you look at a basketball And you think about Halloween You'll notice that a basketball looks An awful lot like a bag of candy No Jenny, not a bag of candy A basketball looks very much like A pumpkin, don't you think? Oh my God, you're right Andy A basketball does look like a pumpkin Now Why is that? That's because the people who originated The game of basketball were an order Of Tibetan monks Who would climb into the tall Tibetan pumpkin trees To gather pumpkins, their main source Of nutrition They would climb each tree and shake The limbs of that tree while other dozens Of other monks ran around the ground Trying to catch the pumpkins in baskets They always caught almost every pumpkin And the monk who let one smash on the ground Was flagellated by the others Back at the monk house Really Andy, really Jenny Well let me finish, all right One day during a bad storm One of the pumpkin trees was struck by lightning Instead of burning to the ground It retained the electrical charge With its glow Soon the pumpkins on the glowing tree Were very large Before they had only been the size of bowling balls They became much larger When the monk shook the limbs of that tree The pumpkins fell hard And ripped right through the baskets Exploding on the ground and sending pumpkin guts All over their fancy robes All the monks expected flagellation Some of them looked forward to it But the head monk Who just sat eating pumpkin seeds And drinking pumpkin wine while the others did all the work Declared it a sign from on high And the reenactment Of dropping heavy pumpkins into weaker wicker Became a weekly witchcraft Really? It's true But in 1623 When the head monk died A new head monk who would never like the old head monk Devalued this ritual By turning it into a game Instead of running around trying to catch the following pumpkin The basket soared to break The basket was placed stationary About 8 feet off the ground And it was made bottomless So they could start recycling The monks Would throw the pumpkin To each other or pass it And then one monk would try to Get it into the basket And if he did get it into the basket It was caught by an adolescent monk Named a punky-dunky monkey Or it was returned to play This game This game because Pumpkins were still the primary dietary staple This game eventually led competing Jesuit priests To coin the phrase Don't play with your food But what about dribbling And why don't they use pumpkins anymore I'm getting to that Jenny Children should be seen and not heard So In the early 1900s when unions were getting stronger The punky-dunky monkeys Demanded more money Well money at all actually Made nothing cry The monks having taken a vow of side-up poverty Could not afford to pay them And refuse The punky-dunky monkeys left Changed their name to ball boys And went into the tennis round Without the punky-dunky monkeys Basketballs were being shattered Left and right Wasn't called basketball yet Pumpkins were being shattered left and right Which caused the great pumpkin famine Of 1923 The monks, after much thought, developed a rubber Air-filled pumpkin Which they neglected to patent The Goodyear company stole the idea Removed the rubber stem Thereby allowing the ball to now be dribbled And founded the NBA In the early 1940s The monks took Goodyear and the NBA to court For infringement of intellectual property But as they had taken vows of silence They could not make a strong case Remember And that, my good friend Is why you may see silently angry Tibetan monks in the nosebleed section At a labor's game Wow, Andy, is all that really true? Really, Jenny? Every word Tune in next week, kids When I tell Tommy why a Georgia O'Keefe painting Looks like that Hi, everybody As a child, I was not a fan of cats As those I met scratched me and hissed at me Even though I was a gentle child Only wishing to give them love When I was nearly 29 A friend on whom I was crushing Asked me to take care of two Burlington cats Until a place where they could live in Manhattan Could be fun That friend never came back with a cat And one of them died suddenly Five weeks after I took them in But the other lived with me for many years And made me a cat lover This is the second song I wrote about him He's got some jowls Near his bowels They wriggle when he howls They jiggle when he prowls round town But when the day has beat me He's always there to greet me To turn my every frown right upside down Oh, he's absolutely divine That cat at minus five He will wind me out of pouts Till I finally let him out Then from home he'll roam about our middle hood Jan will crap But never scrap And if I should make a lap Get some plod in a snap Just like a good boy should Want to pet him, get in line That cat at minus five Every claw stipples and cripples My knees, and he's got nipples Overhidden under ripples of hair He is bald below his ears From all that rubbing all these ears When he's not tearing apart my favorite chair Years we've known each other Nine, that cat at minus five He's got eyes that get all gloopy But his poop is never soupy Even though he gets that wet food Every day No curmudgeon nor a racist Wouldn't judge upon that basis Doesn't even give a hoot that I'm gay Or more can I say In ninety-nine bugging a sign That cat at minus five And as I was at that time Trying to reopen the theater And the neighboring chapel To do charitable works there Was a bit of a Christ complex Unlike Jesus' mom, however Mine was not an inagulate concession In fact, my own mother, being witness To my teenage father, whenever Even today, described me as inagulate What follows is the true story Of my harrowing and treating into existence Enjoy Contrary to popular accounts My birth by C-section was not due To this enormous mountain atop my neck My mother's inability to squeeze it out In a normal way. In fact, it was because Of the placenta previa baby They didn't yet know my gender They're still not sure, but they could tell That the placenta, which would in later years Become globally acknowledged as a culinary delicacy Best served with Chianti and Sampapa beans Wasn't obstructing my escape from the womb At that time, only ten percent of the placenta Previa babies survived the vaginal delivery Consequently, an alternate route Was suggested, Caesarean It was planned around my due date In early July, but when mine That was my interview or a name for her Went to the dock for periodic checkup The obstreperous obstetrician Clumsily broke her water, whoops And my due date was moved up to a Must-do date Thus, six weeks early I was from my mother's womb Untimely rate, a bouncing Boney baby boy Nineteen inches, five pounds, and fourteen ounces Imagine my status by kind of full term Well, I was two weeks So for two weeks had to be incubated Though Concord is New Hampshire's capital city It is still fairly small And in 1970, its hospital Shared an incubator with a neighboring Chicken farm As I was jaundiced with a little Fuzz on my head, I was placed in With the unhatched chicks To help you blend in They placed next to me a Oregon Lake's Hanty Oze This one At first I was afraid to make a pee But soon rose to the top of the Pegging order While I flew the coop with that poultry Existence to the free range of my parents' home I never forgot my hornethological origins Months later, my first words were Mawk, and gawk And my first full sentence Cock-a-doodle-doo Cock-a-doodle-doo I can still talk to hands and roosters today Yes, I ate many of my Wigan family But at age twenty-five Overwhelmed with gustatory guilt I became a vegetarian To honor my fallen boyfriend Who was shown such plump These days, now when I'm cock-a-doodle-doo If someone calls me yellow or chicken I say, I say, Flock you! I'm sorry, you're offended by My foul sense of humor It was not my attempt to ruffle feathers I do a lot of thinking while driving Back and forth between Burlington and Adams and Burlington and Concord Where the family is It's where a lot of my songs are born In whatever old car, my own Or borrowed vehicle of a friend or family I'm driving Years ago, I pulled over and scribbled down lyrics On whatever paper it was within reach Since I've had cell phones, I now make voice memos And eventually transcribe the lyrics And finish the songs And of course thank my amazing arrangers To write yet more accompaniments for me You know how that makes me feel I wait, my life's full And I'm grateful Seems I'm faking to be sated With a whole plate full God has slated things to be Waited in my favor So I'll savor every flavor I'll never waver, neither be hateful When I rise, open my eyes I'm always thankful I don't pass, life is a gas It's a whole tank full As I travel down this road Of life, I will hit those feet bumps And won't jam night full Because it's like a deposit It's a big bank full Some can cope at the end of their road But I never waffle To lose hope, I'd be a dope To do something awful I'm too thoughtful To act unlawful Or any such platter I much rather take a hot lather Than eat a full awful Take my advice I gown and head on downtown Until you feel nice Stick your chin out Keep that grin out And it's more than sure That you'll win out Over the words you see Any adversity, I'll say it twice Make yourself pretty Then hit the city, try to be witty Sing this here, diddy That any pretty that seems so shit You'll fly, also advice It gets incrementally better I wrote this piece in frustration And society's inability to understand To accept, to tolerate What has no effect on their lives Once-a-whatever You're wrong, it's not a choice If it were, do you honestly think I would choose the socially unacceptable option? Would I choose to be ostracized, hated, attacked When I could just as easily be Accepted, well-liked, safe? Come on, use your head Did you choose to be straight? And if so, could you change your mind At any moment and go the other way? I don't think so If I made any choice It was to deal with this inescapable truth About myself You think it's a choice because you know I've gone the other way in the past Well, I tried to make myself choose that way But I was lying To me, to you, to the world People's lives are full of choices But this is not one I was amazed during the recent Quarryworks production of Peter Pan To discover in chit chat that one of our performers Mary Beth LeFever was one of my Second grade classmates in Springfield, Vermont Just over 40 years ago Our mini reunion led to a Facebook Flurry of foreign viewers' friendship Rebirthed, and now we have East School reunion planned for The end of October When folks ask how we made this amazing Long overdue connection, I merely say It's elementary With Mrs. Davenon as our teacher Who now tells us from the reunion We can call her Kathy Mrs. Davenon would twitch her fingers And turn into the wick of witch One day she wouldn't let us Go to the bathroom after storytime started And I ended up peeing in my snow suit Outside waiting for the bus Lori and Colleen and Anna Paul And Timmy who had a bigger head than I did If that's possible Randy Goslin, before that Luia Christmas Story came out where the kid sticks And I remember seeing a bit of his tongue Left on it, my friend Jeff There I am, looking at a bug Or very old son Kiki Norris, brought in a Santa Claude coloring book At the hospital when I was having my tonsils Out because it was Christmas time And it was her thing to give me a present Amy Street and I were at the bus stop together And we were great friends, but we were throwing snowballs And she said, that was an ice ball And she ran home to her aunt And I got on the bus when it came And I was about to take off And I just swung down on my seat in the back of the bus And the kid next to me said, there he is Thanks a lot kid And Jason Young was my best friend at the time He's the smileiest kid in class And that's another Jason I think I knew seven Jason's then Very popular name in the 70's That's Johanna Hunter This was 1975 and 76 East school in Springfield Vermont Which is now being turned into somebody's private residence And we will not be able to visit it But we're still going to sneak onto the front lawn This is Allison and her assistant This is LaBombard who it looks like maybe goosing me Otherwise I don't know what that expression on my face is This is Allison cast us In Peter Rabbit The first show I ever did I was Peter Rabbit Jason My best friend was Mr. McGregor And Courtney McGilfrey was my mother But in real life she was my girlfriend And we were held in hands Very arithmetic class And don't you love that dress? I would love that But anyway, this is Allison Until recess and all the other kids said Gary, Courtney, kiss, kiss, kiss And then we kissed for their entertainment And many, many times And there was Randy Goslin Part of his time he drove back at that point Jason's still very smiley, Tyler Dana Brought one of those pants at elementary school Where they had the lady and the bikini on it And you turn it upside down and it disappears And there's Georgie Porgy Who kissed the girls and made them cry I just kissed the girls and made everybody watch And there's Timmy still In my head And this is a lot harder than our streets What else can I say? Oh, after the Pledge of Allegiance Mrs. Allison played on her orange upright piano My country, Tissapie And we all sang along And first grade was really something special When I got my coat caught In Farmer McGregor's net The third grade was last And that's when I knew that acting was for me So pretty soon we'll go to second grade With Mrs. Colito, these are on a timer So if you have an error, it doesn't do anything up there right now Mrs. Colito, come on Mrs. Colito I really have more There we are, second grade Mrs. Colito retired after she had me I don't know if it had to do with me or not Where am I now? I'm in the front row And Amy and I are made up after the Ice ball incident of kindergarten These are the biome twins, Laura and Joel And they were like the toe-headed Campbell suitcase Good Dana Blinkborn before we were ever in school I kissed her and told my mom That she was going to have a baby And I tried to kiss her so we Moved in with her parents Mary, Mary Beth LaFever Was the woman who I met here And she, I kissed her in the basement For a cookie And it was an ice cookie Does that make me a prostitute? And Jennifer was my girlfriend at the time So I kissed her an awful lot too In fact she was a girl I kissed most In my life until I met Elizabeth Wilcox Here at Florida That gave me a go And her name was Rihanna We went by Rihanna, the singer Was even born That stuck to Chowsky Apparently his great aunt was Julia Child Probably still is And that's Paul We're going to see some of these people at the reunion And Mary Burchy Had the bus stop later on And for the fifth grade was at her house And at one point Her house was painted black and white And it looked kind of like a stump She's aware of that I'm not telling the story behind her bed So second grade Oh and after recess we used to hide in the class In very unsafe places like in the oven And Mrs. Sledo would come in and say Where's my class? And we'd all jump out and surprise her Now I don't really know if she really thought We were honest or we believed her This is Mr. Spinner He was a third grade teacher and a principal One of two third grade teachers He had a paddle And the next time my mother would written it out And say Gary doesn't misbehave and he concurred So the next time he said the whole class Is staying after school except Gary ain't That's no problem Biggest Smilers There's Jason Young and Margaret Polaro Biggest Smilers We actually had Smiling lessons back in the 70s Do you remember those? Smiling lessons There I am And with my new neighbor Jessica Crowley who moved into the neighborhood Kiss, kiss, kiss You know, don't be But you know, to be fair All the kisses I had With Jen and her were closed mouth kisses Jesse Buchanan And we Squared X to this year We didn't do anything in second grade show wise In kindergarten we sang that carpenter's famous song Or the one they made in the same And in second grade we didn't do anything First grade we did Peter Rabbit Class of Squared X together So I got to Squared X with every girl I ever kissed That was great Although there was no kissing in the doce though It wasn't like doce though and kiss your partner So then we go to East To Park Street School Which was the high school When we went there it was 4th and 5th grade Mr. Garrett was my heavy teacher Who brought in his guitar People think I inherited his wardrobe He cast us in The Wish of Oz I played the Tin Man And I was the Wicked Rich And Heather Young Jason's cousin was Dorothy But she didn't like boys in that way yet So instead of hugging us all goodbye When she let Dawes She shook our hands And Scott Shattuck was the Scarecrow And Betsy, who I don't think is in this picture Was the Cowardly Tiger Because we couldn't get a Cowardly Lion costume There I am Jason Chadborne was my best friend at the time Other Jason He punched out my tooth At the locker But I think I was picking on him And I caught up with him recently for an hour and 40 minutes On the phone and he was so unhappy to think that he had bullied me And I said, you know what? I probably shouldn't find out that she hit it But I had recessed He and McDuff, I was no longer kissing girls in recess They used to just punch me in the shoulder All recessed long For some reason And Scott Shattuck I kind of wanted to kiss But I wasn't quite there yet I'm not kissing her anymore So that was 4th grade And then in 5th grade Mrs. Metcalf was the teacher But she didn't come the whole year maybe because she heard I was in the class She had back problems And Johanna Hunter's mother, Janice Hunter Came in and was our long-term substitute I was there for three quarters of the year until I moved to Delaware And we'll get to that picture there we go And before I moved to Delaware I was on a team for the school for the spelling bee And when we were looking at houses in Delaware I was learning those 50 words And then we moved away And I couldn't be in the spelling bee And an alternate kid they put in for my place Lost from school on the word connoisseur And I knew how to spell the word connoisseur O-I-S-S-E-U-R I knew all of those 50s So I could have been the script spelling bee champion There's a twin still looking smug and pretty And let's see who else is here Well, it was a pretty good year So, and Jill Thomas She's a lovely Native American young lady Who my girlfriend Jennifer was trying to convince me That I was into So it sort of saw to the blow that she didn't want to Have a long-distance relationship with me At age 11 But I did, and I missed her horribly And yeah, so that was my elementary school And I had a great time Kids would continue to grow up there You know, last spring for the Vermont kind of had a decline She was a prisoner now All the factories kind of closed down And so they didn't enjoy it so much And I love it And I'm going back here in October And it's going to be amazing So thank you for going down memory lane with me Produced by Save Forward Productions As a fundraiser for the Turning Point Center in Burlington Though I never use their services I am glad to know they are here for those who need them I have several friends who have benefited From what they have to offer And was pleased to write this for their cause And to have another story to tell Gary the fairy That's what my friend Darius Called me in the eighth grade It's a wonder that Monica hadn't been applied before then It never occurred to me to call him Darius the Fairies in return I lied to myself that the slur was due to the fact That a splint on my broken right ring finger Made my pinky stick up More likely it was because he saw me Looking at him and other boys in the locker room During gym class I was allowed to participate in gym Because of my broken finger I had to go to the gym anyway And do my homework Watch the girls play tick ball Or just hang out waiting for the bell to ring Talk about emasculation And at that point for the first time in my life I wanted to be someone else I was given the chance within a year When my parents decided to move from Delaware Back to New Hampshire where they'd grown up As the only people there who knew me were relatives I vowed to train my family To call me Rick The nickname of my middle name Gary the Fairy far behind At the same time I began the extracurricular Activity of repeatedly becoming someone else On stage I performed a few times as a child In pre-teen, but it was in high school As Rick, but I truly became enamored Of portraying characters Hi, Diddley D, the actor's life for me But like Pinocchio Who sang that song in the Disney film I was lying to more than my audiences My high school theater director Gave me great roles Which garnered me state awards But she also throttled my neck Historically to order me to Muster more energy in my performance At the State Drama Festival When I was 16, the night before we performed Friends got me to drink a Mountain Dew At first Which stayed goes to the no-nose Caffeine Pills The energy I experienced and exhibited Convinced me to start taking them regularly Within weeks I was handing out Three brands of caffeine pills And continuing to take them myself Aside from the Kodi night banal Briefly after my finger surgery A couple years prior, that was my first Regular chemical habit A year later en route to the New England Theater Festival to represent our states It was my birthday and friends Gave me a Soho soda bottle filled With Captain Morgan's spiced rum Though I'd sit the bit of Blackberry Brandy as a child to help with the bad cold And snuck one of my uncle's wine colders My 17th birthday was my first time Being drunk I was nauseous the next morning and afternoon But still gave a great performance My then I'd kick the pills But fell head over heels in love At first sight with booze Not long after that I confessed to my family That I wanted to be an actor My father said You'll never make a living of that son His mother told me There are a lot of homosexuals in the theater, Gary It's Rick, Nanny Rick I hope my dad was wrong and deep down I hope my grandmother was right During senior year I only attended Two parties in the homes of classmates Whose parents were away Though they were abiding as well Friends mentioned that I had a drinking problem Already, I fell for the only alcohol in our house Which was in several half empty bottles In a basement workshop In a cabinet with shellac and turpentine Some had been brought by my grandparents And some were remnants of my gay alcoholic uncle Who would OD on drugs Some 15 years earlier I didn't have the opportunity to drink often So maybe that's why when I was able to drink I did so to excess Or perhaps it was due to the alcoholism On both sides of my family Once friendly young tibblers Who with metabolism had changed Transforming them into older, angry Knocked-down, drag out fighting thoughts When I was 18 I wound up with drunk driving charges After falling asleep and or passing out Driving off the highway and into a tree I towed with my car I paid $975 to get off those charges And consequently Never learned my lesson I continued to drink and drive for nearly five years Until I finally wised up In a fall semester of junior year At St. Michael's College I graduated with low honors But the smartest thing I did while there Was to quit drinking I lost weight, gained respect And never again blacked out I realized If I didn't come out to some friends as gay At least I was going to start drinking again So I came out to a lot of people at college In 1993 But didn't come out to most people in my life until about a decade later I continued to escape To the roles I played on stage And in short films Yet I persisted in the use of mind-altering chemicals Free of booze My marijuana use blossomed I was occasionally accompanied by mescaline Or LSD In the ensuing years, I experimented sporadically With pharmaceuticals, cocaine Mushrooms, ecstasy And DNA And once, crystal meth Whenever I used those harder drugs I always had a good amount of weed on hand To keep me mellow when things got too free I was never to circle and use intravenous drugs So I didn't fall into that pool of substance abuse As I slowly matured I stopped doing the craziest things But was still a daily puffer As a social toker, I smoked alone a lot as well At last, on April 1st, 2016 I made the tough decision To give up marijuana Something I'd only had a break from for just under 8 weeks In 2005 The next morning I sang a song I'd written for my cousin Kimberly A kid who might care for her as a baby I sang it at her funeral service As she had overdosed on heroin Just over a week before For the next 3 weeks I was driving me crazy When I went to the community health center They brought in a counselor Who recommended a psych evaluation And said I was suffering from cannabis withdrawal No I'm not I barked But as the withdrawal subsided I realized that's exactly what it had been 4 weeks after being camp free I tripped in a crosswalk And fell to all fours Causing an open fracture of both bones in my left forearm I was wearing this life new Thrift store shirt For the first time I had surgery that night And the following night was back on stage For 10 more performances over 2 weeks Of the musical hair school Albeit on 2 types of narcotics for the pain Once the pain had faded though I dropped the narcotics And never looked back Whether caffeine, alcohol, marijuana Or other habit forming toxins We can only fully realize The extent of an addiction When we have stopped And had time to at least partially detox We dream a lot But if we are strong we will We don't do it again We must understand the reasons why we do things In order to stop doing those things A late elder friend Who escaped 3 concentration camps As a Polish youth to fight with the British Told me they drank during World War II So they wouldn't smell the dead bodies And that's a reason to drink One that makes my reason seem Quite insignificant Now that I am fully out and fully sober I still go by my middle name But my first name has been public college For over 25 years And I am not ashamed When I think about it I may never have it A fruit A fairy Well fruits are sweet Delicious and nutritious And fairies are helpful Beautiful Imagine This fairy congress deems Good has prevailed over bad I am happy and proud to be Gary the Fair From my co-40th birthday party Was ran for a common I was feeling broken up and broken down Though I now realize that age is Merely a state of mind It's still a fun, products and lyric And I am fortunate that my brother married well To the Anne and her Honest Millie Sweet Band Carly and Agnes Created an artful arrangement As have all my amazing composer friends For other songs in this show So there's some bursitis I like to try this Doc says that there's Some strange sort of obstruction And that it's time To do some pre-instruction Upon her wise instruction It can be a tax deduction Hell, even my taint Ain't safe from destruction Doc said there's a soft spot On my skullcap I told him that's an awful Lot of bullcrap He cast me some bull-tap Even though he said that burs Would make my whole snap A dancer has to answer To his shin splits Tightly sneezed me since My life is rounded with a sleep My life seems to be like Perjunction a hundred years ago With ten tracks on which a hundred trains Come through daily The whistles continue to blow throughout the night I'm not so sure how much deep sleep I achieve, but my dreams have always Been extremely action-packed And compelling, and I wish I could record them To turn them into feature films Imaginative type that I was My hyper mentality was influenced By many factors, including television Comic books and other literature And my colorful family on both sides I do not have recurring dreams Much as an adult, but there were four I had As a child living in Springfield, Vermont I wonder what the energy in that house All four dreams began In the second story bedroom that I share With my little brother He on the truncle bed that Daddy goes With me above him holding hands As we slept Awake, I was entirely fond Of watching out in west in Burt Ward As Batman and Robin And I reveled in their escapades Rooting for them against the likes of the Joker The Riddler, the Penguin, Catwoman And all the rest I even reenacted their adventures With my friend Jason Young on the playground Though we did not let Margaret Ann Plerrow Play that girl, as she wished I've only ever needed a lie Super fine and frost-grained In order to fall asleep in the blink of an eye My pulse in the pillow Against my ear, my pulse in my ear Against the pillow, rather Became the fatal footfalls Of a dastardly deadly dynamic duo Determined to climb from the depths of the cellar The scarier place for most children Through the kitchen and dining room And up the stairs to kill me And my little brother I dreamt that often Other nights I dreamt that I was a superhero Myself, either the six million dollar man Or Wonder Woman Or perhaps a combination of the two On TV, both that From and to great heights In slow motion with a Sound You all remember, right? So in the dream I rose from my bed And I walked to the acme of the stairs And I left So high up, just like then Went up the ceiling over the stairway That existed in reality Landing at the bottom, perfectly Each night I had this dream My parents found me asleep at the top of the stairs With my baby blanket, my cape This pattern provoked them to install a safety gate In case some night I should actually Take flight. Then there was Mommy's twin sister Who was a witch and slept on the felled out couch Either she represented My mom's actual sister Who she was sometimes mistaken for And who likely slept on a convertible furniture When she visited Or perhaps Mommy herself slept there When Daddy's teasing and too much chocolate Made her witchy. Regardless, though the me having the dream Saw her get up and walk up into the bathroom Upstairs and knew it was not Mommy Dream Gary was clueless He got up in the bed and walked Across the hall and knocked on the door Imagining she was in there saving her leg Of some other motherly task And he heard, come in And he opened the door and she was right There next to the door and she grabbed And she carried it, struggling over to the Toilet and she sat down and she Tickled it Until I woke up from the river each night I theorized that Mommy was using A different pattern software at the time And I was just itchy Inchy? Oh, yeah, I almost forgot Daddy on a rare occasion when he was Home from his job on the road Found it amusing to dangle us by Our leg over the toilet and depress The handle while he never ducked Us and then to not scare us While it was happening I did have several dreams about disappearing In a swirling pool of water I always woke from that when quite flushed I know I used that pun already Someone called it repetitive I consider it a comic combat How the fifth dream Was the abduction scenario Where a strange man Was faced years later I was recognized in a guest actor Of different strokes and in my First door to the dentist Climbed in through the second story window And took me away He took me to a house that looked Like my house but it was a cross-section Like an open doll house Where who looked like my family But I knew they weren't And when I tried to shout No sound came out This dream day had begun when I was rehearsing To play Peter Rabbit first grade It seemed like a primitive actor's nightmare A house that is not your house A family who is not your family And an inability to say your lines I've had variations on this dream Theme over five decades of performing Just had a dream about that two weeks ago A friend of mine Quieted us while talking I'm watching quarters I replied that as it was being watched On demand it could be paused Even rebound and perhaps the friend Was hoarding episodes of a show about hoarding This same friend has been concerned Over the years that I could turn into a hoarder As I am definitely a collector Of kitsch, of friends, of memories But I have more than narrow Isles and paths within my code And there are no missing paths Nor pestering pestilence Once I use these things I find on stage It gives validity to my attainment And say I need correction But it's harmless and not charmless It does not require protection Should you wish to lighten your load Leave it down by the side of the road Add a trinket to my stockpile Those folks think it's just a schmock pile Or a yard sale The water buried from the market No, or better free Give that heap of junk to me Each antique is merely an ending I'm a freak and makes them frantic They say Stop your shopping Your store hopping I'm just cropping No, you're flopping I wheel it I need I holler and squeal It is just I must amass Though it may yield from the rants Say they Grief hold For what my life's purposes To stand for peace On weekdays from 5 to 5.30 For the next few years I joined fellow peace seekers in assignment protest And in 2003 I was part of the peace march in New York City The disdain we experienced For our ideals there and at home Was disappointing Someone told me then that the human race Was not involved enough for peace I countered that I was And if the rest of us didn't catch up soon We'd be worried about it I was at the UU At a vigil for peace While on us there flew several B forms of geese Cars and trucks passed us by Some with smiles, others frowns As they drove home from work To their various towns But from one of those trucks There came a loud shout They killed our kids, we'll kill their kids Was yelled at us I noticed the man who had screamed it and said Hey, that is the guy who sometimes sells me bread And pizza, that is In the store in the hall of the downstairs part Of the downtown mall If you still won't have to guess where I mean Oh, just put an apostrophe S after Dino Well, I guess he was right For that's just what we're doing In a gesture of life Which will ever be ruined Now I'm sure that our most intelligent leaders Had had the bad thought Hey, let's kill their readers By killing their youth via bombs Or starvation Or mass depleting their nation We'll issue a draft Tell our boys they're dependable Though it's really the shaft And it means they're expendable And when every last person is dead On their soil, we'll go in and take over And take all their oil And along with almost every last politician Corporate Americans made this its mission So before you spend, no Though absurd and bewildering The man with the dough Favors murder of children Was at the Fesson Lane Mall In December of 1980's My high school theater director, Donna Baker Got me a job scaring people As the ghost of Christmas Future And I made $35 for an hour of that Years later, out of work in late 2001 A friend approached me with a Performing opportunity that paid $10 an hour The audience was literally in my lap And some of them were real dollars I did this yours and I'm dating four times And wrote this song about it Just before my last season began Y'all got talkin' as strangers You're concerned about SIDS and other toddler dangers And you suddenly change a tune About all that crap You say go, why not do that train go fat man And sit on his lap I also bring fears And do many, many tears I can't do it anymore I won't be a Christmas poor That I like to take a sad, suing shot And it's terribly disguise When you control your tiny children Mother tells her kids There'll be no gifts without the pictures I'll have to fight my hands upon her In a train deal constrictor I hear flags, I see smiles They go on for miles But I also see frowns Of any kids from any town So if your talk says No, don't make them go Don't like causing trouble Can't do it for the dough It wasn't nearly us They're still amazing Their attitudes are boring But the ball is like a sewer Many parents are annoying I should be good and I would If I could If I could But I can't be good Cause I've always been a hood Misrepresented and misunderstood Oh, I know I should be Oh, so good And I also would if I oh so could I wrote three songs about my wonderful feline His love and affection Opened me up to get to know other neighborhood cats Who I've also written about and saw Jan's full name was Janice So named by his original owners After Janice Joplin As they thought he was a girl I called him Jan the man Though he had been responsibly new to her, of course He was a friend to all who knew him Though he wasn't keen on visiting dogs He put up with them And while he had his claws He never used them aggressively Except for the occasional mold He'd leave you on the back porch For a means of nearly step off with my bare feet And your man And you are my Joel You're such a cool cat An eternal good move You never get fat Though you eat plenty of food Your hair is gray And you still like to play In the sun or the cold Oh Oh Jan My friend Oh man You'll be my friend To the end You walk off my men To make me wake up You circle my head Till I fill up Your cup When I go away You might have a snack Then you sleep through the day Till the time I come back Oh Oh Jan My son We've done all we can To make our lives fun When I finally relax From a long day of crap And I sit In my slacks You know I sit In my slacks You have to climb on my lap Each time that you roam Always ends just the same You finally come home When I call out your name Oh Oh Jan My guy Oh Goodbye Oh I was your friend You were my Joe Game show No, it's not the prices, right? It's even more cacophonous. It's Automata Pia! The game where we get the crowd to make some noise! And now, here's your handsome host Buzz For those of you tuning in for the first time Let's review the rules. I'll ask audience members to speak using only Automata Pia in response to live questions. If you're correct, I'll yell Ding ding! Yes, I'd like to hear the sound of my own voice Yelling my own name repeatedly I'm incredibly vain But enough about me for now Let's start the game! If you'd like to play Please raise your hands or don't raise your hands You're all gonna play! Let's begin! Oh, right in the front row Oh, lucky you! You know what I'm about to be, is right, man? I want to sit in the game already, please Bam! Okay, that was fun Okay, so here we go When you dive in a pool Buzz, I'm sorry We were looking for a sploosh It's a very wide line But you lose Yes, sorry Sir, if you fall like a fool Be good on the mic, sir If you fall like a fool Like if you fell like Elizabeth I have no idea Buzz, we were looking for Slap, Thud, or Clunk By the way Before we get going Way further, I want to mention That the grand prize for this episode is Are you ready? Two season tickets For the 2019 season of Borders Absolutely free, folks Absolutely free So keep that in mind while we're playing We're gonna work out way around the room here We're now onto the Winds of War Sort of the sound of a Tommy gun Buzz, I'm sorry We were looking for aaaah Very close, so very close I mean it's all in your vernacular Where you grew up and everything But you're wrong Sort of the sound of a bomb going off Boom Oh Buzz, I'm sorry We can't accept plane boom or pow We wanted kaboom or cup out All we start with a K If you can, it's just funny Everybody knows a K is the funniest letter in the album Right? But good try What did I just say about K? All right, so we're on Planes, Trains and Automobiles This is the lady who came first To Cory Brooks this summer and came Free time to Superman, once her dogs four Once her two dogs were in the dressing room With me during the show It was great, planes, trains and automobiles Is it Diane? Alright, I knew it, alright I promise that forever The sound of a plane taking off Buzz, we're looking for whoosh Zoom, boy, you people are really tanky It gets easier Harder and then easier A locomotive Ding-Ding, that's exactly And for extra credit, it's horn Buzz, we're looking for Whoosh Horns Sort of the horn on a plane A horn on a bottle of tea Ooga, ooga Ding-Ding, that's correct A horn on a BW beetle A BW beetle is a little less masculine Than a model T A Chrysler town car It's come up with something At least try, like your mother said At least try before we leave the house Buzz We were looking for Honk There's a lot of honking in this room I would have thought somebody would come up with that A steamboat whistle Ooh Buzz, we're looking for toot toot It's an easier question for these people Ah, Joan A Pogo stick What sound does a Pogo stick make? Buzz, we were looking for Everybody here knows We want Pogo sticks We'll go do it in the park We're working our way Oh, the animal kingdom Cats? A Pomeranian We'll count that as a German Shepherd, Tony Yes, whoa That's correct Buzz, we were looking for Art Now we're on to other animals, other than dogs We were looking for cluck, remember the K Remember the K Turkey? We all know a turkey There's one on the front row over there No, I'm just kidding She's been my chronic coil for years, folks We're like Adam Costell on the two of us Where are we now? Crow Ah, that's correct, ding ding canary These mutes We'll give them the benefit of the death We shouldn't pick on people with differently abled people Mouse That was pretty good, but we were looking for squeak and had a K A pig Yeah, the K gets it every time Horse Why do you always have to contradict me saying name like that Ding ding Mule, that's exactly correct Now we're all the right age, we all saw some He-Haw in television back in the day I'm going to work my way around here I'm just getting the old guy here before he falls asleep Cow Oh, he grew up on a farm Very good, ding ding Sue, sheep Oh, that was great Miss G A goat That's almost like a sheep They're very similar, very similar dialect Todd, Lion Roar Lynn B Buzz, that's my name, ding ding Everybody, frog Ribbit, ribbit Oh, listen to the people We're snakes You're a cold night's name Okay, I'm not going to recall that Time waits for no man Anybody raise your hand There's clock pendulum swinging Elizabeth, I'm going to give you another chance A grandfather clock pendulum swinging Okay That's like a sound effect And we went on about it Yes, thank you, ding ding Maybe we need to define it Okay, everybody A cuckoo clock shining the hour That was easy wasn't it Okay, but now a cuckoo clock shining midnight I was able to get two ladies inside Putting the frying pan Sorry, we were looking for a crackle Okay, come on folks I do not want to know that again Okay, these are the hard ones So I need to raise my hand And you need to really know what you're doing So think hard Alliteration station These multiple answers differ only in their vowels So there's more than one word for these clues And they differ only in their vowels Like I'm a bumbling boob That's an alliteration A rock dropped in a potion A rock dropped in the ocean Is this thing on? Anybody? Well, a pebble dropped in a potion Plunk? Plunk? Think of K, they got K's in the lanes Plunk? Oh, well it was plink plunk A pebble dropped in a potion goes plink A rock dropped in the ocean goes plunk Apparently, that's what the producers tell us A coin dropped on the floor Closing prison door A blow to make you sore Plink plunk Plink plunk, yes, very good We're going to have it here This is okay, well we're done with that The sound of an incoming rotary phone call? Ring ring ring I'm sorry, we were looking for a ding-a-ling Ding dong Sorry, or ting-a-ling Or, it's one ring-y ding-y Two ring-y ding-y I know you're all right, I should know that too Ding-a-ling Ah, buzz, we were looking for a ding-bong It's all the mirror you grew up in, folks I think too many of you have come to New Jersey or something Okay, the sounds of music A tuba Oop, oop, oop, oop Ding-ding, a trumpet A sad trumpet Oop, oop, oop Wah, wah, wah, wah Thank you, Ms. Wiesbauer Just for the record before I was confused and always between alliteration and onomatopoeia Otherwise, I would have been able to hear from you That's it Now I hope you know the difference Alright, enough chit-chat from the No, I appreciate it Mark is one of my arrangers He's got some wonderful music coming tonight Bonus points Let's see How do you spell onomatopoeia? O-M-O-M-O-T-A-T-O-N-I-A Ding-ding-ding, you're the first one to look at the program Thanks for joining us See ya, what do you want to be? Thanks for playing onomatopoeia Here's another hastily created tune Ruminating about mortality Why does anyone have to go anyway? Oh, I guess we didn't Given birth rates without death rates We'd be trampling each other today So we'll die Though we'll cry At least we'll know why Cause there'd be no more room If we all skipped the tune Why does everyone have to die anyhow? We have used our resources And all out of forces We've been eating each other by now Oh, we'll croak The populace would choke From all of the toxins then All out of oxygen Disable The license plate alphabet search game Tried to figure out what specialized plates meant And even commented about numeric only plates Which looked like great privilege hands This was our parents' subtle way Of training us to remember identifying information Should we ever be victims of a hidden crime? Here are some other thoughts I've had On these present produced fighters Dads told me that in the late 1960s When he was dating Mom She wanted him to get vanity plates With their initials on them But he refused Too many of his buddies had done so And then their gals dumped them Leaving them to drive around For the rest of the year With sad reminders of what was no more However, once they were engaged And Dad was away in the Navy Mom snatched up the vanity plate option And when they moved from New Hampshire To Vermont in 1970 With their adorable infant son She got the same place Their married initials With an ampersand to Twix D.A. and J.A. These were more to me Than my parents' initials They were also Da und Ja Yes In German and Swedish While I am to my knowledge No part German My mother's name and name is Svensson So I am a quarter Swedish You've got to accentuate Positive, eliminated the negative Latched out of the affirmative Became my mantra Due in part to these plates As well Yes And yes Were often heard from my parents' bedroom When I was trying to sleep And they were trying to make my little brother Years later, another place That gave me a puzzle Was this one The New Hampshire plate With the wheelchair emoji Followed by Sema That was my grandparents plate My mother and I Theorized that it was the singular Of Sema And thought my grandparents To be fairly proud It was only years later We realized that it was Aims spelled backwards Sema I don't know When I graduated high school In 1988 I decided to get a family plate My parents put a thousand dollars down On a car for me As a graduation present A used car Which was only a five-year-old car These days I drive A 26-year-old car It's a classic I tell you Well I could have gone to Ireland Instead With my English teacher And some other students But as my English teacher Never gave back my assignments I wasn't sure if she would Actually bring me back from Ireland So I got the car A Dodge Lancer And the plates were free When my parents were young But now it costs Twenty-six dollars For a year In 1988 I'm told it costs Over a hundred dollars a year Now my friend Who has a family plate But that was fifty cents a week And so if I just gave up My big leg too Had it I could afford it So I got it But I couldn't get This was my nickname In high school I went from Gary the fairy to Slick Rick But I couldn't get Just slick Because it was already taken So I had to get the dash Or maybe it was a negative sign Six months after Getting that plate On my new car New to me car In December 23rd 1988 At 2.30 in the morning In slick conditions My voice Slick with alcohol My throat, rather Slick with alcohol I drove off interstate 93 Into the median Down into the gully And slain into a tree Totalling my car I wasn't wearing my seatbelt I was thrown into the passenger side Of the windshield And broke my nose And bled on me onto An open box of tissues And I survived Where I should have perished Slick, real slick I had great youth And Santa Claus Brought me many of the things I asked for Though it was an actual motorcycle I requested at age four Not a big wheel And he did Bring me the little brother I wanted He left that up to my parents Just before Y2K I wondered What another kid Not as fortunate as I was Might think About the jolly old elf To my house anymore Dad left us He's a bum Down among an iron ore And every cent We had his sense Of food and drink I'm starting to think That Christmas really stays Other girls and boys Will pong their heads to hear Of other children's toys While I'll just shed a tear For I will not regale And with some tail I tell Oh, go to hell You jingle bell, Noel I don't like this time Of year It doesn't bring me any cheer It is winter And I'm cold I am only eight years old And Santa doesn't come To my house anymore My daddy is a crumb He walked right out our door With great neglect And no respect for me His boy For this I'll miss The bliss of Christmas joy One look inside my head And there would Santa see A brand new big boy fed Cause that's my fantasy No presents will bring Pleasant thrill to me this year I gloss, I fear I'll trace a Christmas cheer There was a time when When daddy liked his only son And though my mom is really great It's hard to put food on the plate Eddie down the block And Jane across the street Have nothing left to hide And little left to eat Jane stands become a thief And Eddie's mom a whore And they're not sure Of Santa anymore Christmas can be so nice But here's the major hitch It's only snow and ice Unless you're among the rich And day by day this holiday Means less to me I'm not impressed to see Some Christmas tree Though it's not this holiday With all my troubles still I hope if I am hit someday That Santa Claus will come too late Are my theater parents And they ran the St. Michael's College drama departments And St. Michael's Playhouse for about 35 years Before I met them She was diagnosed with breast cancer She had a double mastectomy And survived for nine years Until a metastasized and took her from us Throughout her struggle She fought for research To establish a Vermont nanogram registry In our state When a patient checks in with me At my job for a breast MRI And I hand her the BMR form to fill out I'm reminded of Mrs. R She taught me not only to act But to take action For funeral spaces frozen frowns Tell trickling tears to trail to tongues So sits some sadly silent slew Upon pine pews pale people pray Huge hall holds hundreds heavy hearts Filled full from flowers, family, friends Jakob Joann just genuine joy Sad service starts Some sweet song sung Most mourners march Meet mossy mound Dug ditch delves deep down damp dark dirt West wind wicks wilds We wail with woe Proud priest takes proper parting prose Could countless colleagues carrying cries Might make my much-mourned mother move Great God, grant gary Give good grace Let love life lost Let's love life less Years ago I wrote a poem called The Cancer that is New Hampshire Years later I wrote the song I sang last year Here or there About realizing that there are great reasons To live in both Vermont and New Hampshire This song was another of the pieces I wrote When I was less than enchanted with my birth-states However, it's really just a humorous take On rural life anywhere And should be taken in the vein in which it was meant It is Joe Bob Johnson, and I am I spent my years of milk and cows And poskin ears and caw I share the sheep, woe, woe, you see And mate it in the yarn My girl lost her virginity And I come from Hicksville Where the gossip is a buzzin' Yes, I come from Hicksville Where every guy gals your cousin We told them to knee up her bow You'd better find another Reggie and trucks around our little town And if we see old Dan Caddox We're surely shootin' down All homosexuals we oppose And also vegetarians In fact, we only favor those Straight, beefy areas Yes, I come from Hicksville Where we can't say the fairies I talk Yes, I come from Hicksville Where it's fine to marry livestock Oh, to be sure their son-in-law Would like to be quite messy Oh, you'll adore lots of men Oh, whites and cowl ain't messy And kids that say the darkest things My nephews have definitely Given me proof of that adage I give them full credit for anything You find in using in these excerpts From their young lives Casey just turned 12 last week Charlie turned 8 in June And they are both ahead Little So Casey, yes, Papa Now that you're four You know who you're gonna marry? No, Papa Well, can Papa come to your wedding? You'll be dead by then Well, maybe if I grow up really fast You can come to my wedding Maybe But if I grow up really fast I won't have a child who had much of one anyway Why don't you just grow up with a regular speed, Casey And we'll see about the wedding, okay? Okay, Papa, I love you Is it your diabolical nerve pain? Diabetic nerve pain, Charlie No, there's a saying that if you step on a crack You break your mother's back Your mother's been dead for years Mommy? Yes, Casey? How are babies made? Well, you're nine, almost 10 I guess if you want to know, I can tell you Okay When a woman loves a man Yes, yes So what do you think? That is so wrong Mommy? Yes, Casey? I'm sorry Why, Casey? I begged you and Daddy for a little brother And you had to do that twice That's right, just twice This was my entry in the second year of the Orca Media Case Songwriting Contest in my period I understand that there have been and will perhaps again be unnecessary war but it is my individual opinion that there is no such thing as a good war As long as there is money to be made from war it will persist How can the Judeo-Christian tradition support war when the sixth of the Ten Commandments says, thou shalt not kill? The assignment with refinement was a song of pacifism but the duality between reality and peace was quite a schism didn't want to write a poem didn't need to see the song to make the world know what it does already War is wrong War is wrong, it's a scam and it isn't worth a damn of money-making and life-taking spirit-breaking sham From high-five up to high-five we've got every sweet amenity that modern life could offer set for that sweet amenity that same life's hand in one direction's birth which we inhabit from each dark ball the each smart bomb the ruin it dangneves War is wrong, it's a con where the very healthy so their riches move they're scared of peace I know just what they mean it's hard not to be scared of things that you have never seen although I'm not known it for real, I've seen peace in my dreams at night the light within me brilliantly screams War is wrong, war's insane anyone with half a brain those that paint and bots and bullets sure will bring us down to the drain a truth that's true we just can't preach we'll never know we're the unity lest we stop allowing governments to slaughter within unity the solution, revolution common seems quite insurmountable but we must try to be just and hold those warlockers accountable War is wrong, it's a hoax that our leaders try to coax we the grieving to be leaving is the face for broken folks if we worked to help each other after Jesus we were styled we'd instill a children will to each woman, man and child and we took it even further made all nations understand think what blistered columnists every borrow for a man War is wrong, war is crap a dehumanizing trap it's important, it's important we address it, make a flap a happy thought that were it not for some dumb presidents, myopia his breeze, his knees nefarious deeds we might achieve utopia so now go and be benevolent then by simply spreading empathy stop the prevalence of malevolence and avoid global war is wrong war is from the strong to suppress oppressed depressed the weakies we've been all year long extended family and the friends I've collected as my mom is the middle of 11 children and I have 30 cousins on her side my extended family is huge and so many wonderful people exist from my unfortunate to call friend to show them all would mean they flash by so fast you wouldn't be able to make any of them out so I'll leave the pictures of my parents my brother, sister-in-law and nephews that were taken a few years ago as representative for the whole song I hope you feel the same way about your family and friends immediate family is called immediate cause they're always there in flash with emotional support a hilarious retort and let's face it on occasion a little bit of cash now excuse me as I do cheer about them I just wouldn't be standing here without them they taught me how to act so heavily how I love my immediate family extended family is called extended cause they go to extend just to reach you on her uncle when your parents are to be another parent's listen up you're silly but they've got many things to teach you oh, forgive me if I should grave about them my life would be oh so very grave without them they might shake hands a little planally still I love my extended family a network of friends is called a network cause you cast a net and try to make it work be real nice and job and play just be happy and be gay otherwise the other guys and gals will think that you're a jerk well please pardon while I just brag about them my days and days like it would be a drag without them even though it's very hard to get work it's great to have an awesome social network extended and all of the lovely folks I befriended my spirits you do elevate thanks for coming my way today to celebrate an emergency beds facility for troubled youth at 8am a client's mother came in with my morning relief pulled a pistol which she planned to use to kill her son's stepmother and then herself and held us with it for several hours during the time we and the police resolved the situation without gunfire the experience will be interpreted as part of next year's show in the one act play The Remaining Hostage but this song about it didn't seem to fit within the constructs of that piece take this proper avenue and address your claims with the authorities rather than to love him say right here you love him daddy please consider your the lies you'll take are hers and yours but the life in state is through those doors a big mistake to settle scores with violence for though your soul will carry on their vehicle when you are gone instead of laughing and suffer suffocating silence what a frank confession of a frank transgression convince you to allow her then to live if she gave apology could you brave theology convince somehow you proceed to forgive your trader please don't pull it if you release one bullet I worry what may transpire from nearby some police will see the glory after the cover story is out to open fire and will die so put it down and let's just talk we've been surrounded since kind of block and what more can I say it's nearly two the kids are gone, they've got about there's nothing left to shout about it's all come down to merely me and you here hon, take a tissue you can take your issue further you'll have time to think in jail that you'll learn to live through people will forgive you maybe you'll even get out of a bail so tell the officer on the line you'll take her offer to just resign and then the shoe will come to act this way run, your plan is lost give up your gun and then make a cost come on dear Debbie let's call it a day okay what do you say this show like manner with a song I wrote for their 50th anniversary last year I've been a solitary sort of guy romantically for most of my life well after kissing all curves in elementary school and a couple of years ago mom ended a phone call with I love you honey I thought to myself 30 years from now when she's gone who's gonna call me honey and that's how this song began and begins call me honey who's gonna say you're funny sunny who's gonna let me buddy when you're done want to go yo bro don't no whoa how will I ever live without you now and forever never forget about you still you're funny honey sunny we'll have to find a way to go on go on kiss you too let me kiss you too you may everything I do I do it like you do talk me too yes I call my life to the two of you you withstood the come and see my play this showing who made me growing and don't you talk me to love and talk me to live huge words as you have to do to you it's possible if I took your knowledge and for its possible I could follow your example it's you who showed me to stand oh god I'm above and talk me to you to you I will see you again I will leave that way that sweet green door and we'll have I know I owe it to the two of you who's not making dinner who's not asking if I'm getting thinner who's gonna stand smile give me that hug and sit here audience be safe and be smart you started me out I'm painting and joking years ago now I'm bringing in smoking cigarettes and more recently toking now your great love is my only drug my drug but I won't be in that rock for it I'll take a sip you feed my soul you fill my plate and make me whole like thirsty saints oh you're both so freaking great I'll say it once more I have come so far thanks to the two of you yes I owe my life to a husband that likes who have kept me free from shock to tell me what we've got to do I made it through because of the two of you