 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic do this when he pulls away or act distant. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Also, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions. By no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion. So all I ask is you give it a little bit of a chance and even try it out to see if it works for you. All right, let's jump into do this when he acts distant or he pulls away or acts distant. So I'm gonna assume, I'm actually not gonna assume, I'm gonna say this from a state of fact, that whether you're a man or woman and you've invested a bit of time with someone, maybe you've been dating them for a few weeks, a few months, maybe even a little bit longer, and all of a sudden they start to emotionally pull away from the relationship or they might start to physically pull away from the relationship or they begin to act distant, that it can be very, I don't wanna say the word hurtful, but it can certainly can wear on our emotional wellbeing. Because if you've invested time with someone and you've invested your heart with someone and all of a sudden they start to pull away or act distant, it can be that rather frustrating and even feel rather painful. Now I think one of the common misconceptions in the dating realm is that chemistry leads to relationship attraction. Let me repeat that, chemistry leads to relationship attraction. In fact, most folks hyper focus on chemistry rather than compatibility. And the reason why I bring this up because you might be scratching your head wondering, wow, I have this great chemistry with this person. We must have so much in common, we must have so much aligned because we have this great, amazing chemistry and then all of a sudden they start to pull away or act distant and it's got to be frustrating when that happens, when you have this belief and you even begin to have feelings for another human being and whether this is true of men and women alike, it's got to hurt deeply. Now, I often say that dating triggers the number one emotional health issue we're all facing. I'm gonna repeat that, dating triggers the number one emotional health issue we're all faced with and that is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable and nothing triggers that more than when you're with somebody starts to pull away or act distant in the relationship especially when you've given your heart to this person especially when you've started to move forward or started to move closer with a person and you've even began a level of intimacy and I don't mean physical intimacy, I mean emotional intimacy. And if you're not familiar with the word intimacy, let me just make it simple for you. Intimacy means into me you see, into me you see. That means you're starting to open your heart to someone and this is why I wanna draw attention to some of the causes of why someone might pull away because men have a habit when they hit a wall that they go inward. Let me repeat that, men go inward whereas women kind of go outward when they hit a wall, they hit up a point of frustration in their life. They tend to, I'm not saying always, reach out to their friends for love and support whereas men become very stoic, okay? So what I wanna share with you today are five of the common reasons why this happens and then I'm gonna share what to do about this to avoid this in the future so you can actually start attracting a juicy, delicious, healthy relationship in your life. I'm gonna repeat that, you can attract a juicy, delicious, healthy relationship in your life. So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses, I pulled up my notes if you're seeing my notes right there and so what I wanna lean into today for a few minutes is some of the examples of what causes a guy to go distant or pull away and go distant which will help you get a better understanding of men because if you have a better understanding of men or actually have a better understanding of human beings because this is true of men and women alike, you can start to predict behavior. I'm gonna repeat that, so when you start to have an understanding of something you can predict behavior and when you can predict behavior you can start making better choices because this is all about you making a better choice in your life because oftentimes in particular women give their power away to men. I'm gonna repeat that, women give their power away to men. In other words, your whole happiness not always but many times is all predicated on whether or not a man is loving you. This is why I say frequently that human beings are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. And when we can actually start to feel better about ourselves before needing someone then we can navigate these five things I'm about to share with a lot more grace and ease. And remember I said a moment ago, dating triggers the number one emotional health issue that I'm not good enough. This is why I highly encourage everybody to check out my book. What the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? It's a journey of personal development, self health and spiritual work so you can actually shore up that place inside of you that when you experience these things that are happening, you're gonna be in a better position to navigate it than those that don't. And by the way, there's a link below to my books recommended books and my book self love the book.com Write that down self love the book.com. All right, as I shared before we're gonna put on my trustee glasses. So one of the common reasons why a man goes distant or pulls away is that he has a contentious relationship with an ex partner or he's still in love with his ex partner. I'm gonna repeat that. He has a contentious relationship with an ex partner or he is still in love with his ex partner. Oftentimes men are still in love with their ex partner when the woman did the breaking up in the relationship. I'm gonna repeat that the woman did the breaking up in the relationship. When the man does the breaking up in a relationship he oftentimes has a contentious relationship with his ex partner. And by the way, this could be an ex spouse as well. Now, there's this old saying hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn so hence why the contentious relationship and certainly when a woman ends the relationship with a man oftentimes if he was blindsided by it he might still be in love with her. So this is why it is so important to ask better questions in the early stages of dating, mating or relating. I'm gonna repeat that ask better questions. Okay, number two, this is something you can pay attention to very early on is does he have chaos going on in his professional life? I'm gonna repeat that does he have a level of chaos going on in his professional life? Whether you're a man or woman if your professional life is in chaos and think about your professional life is how you pay your bills, how you support yourself how you support those people around you. If there's chaos going on in someone's life the ground underneath them doesn't feel solid to actually support a healthy happy relationship. I'm gonna repeat that the ground underneath them doesn't feel solid to support a healthy happy relationship. This is why it's so important to pay attention to listen when someone is communicating do they have a happy and blessed professional life or do they have a life where they complain professional life where they complain and it's often or maybe even going through some contention with his coworkers or even his bosses or whatnot. And this is true of even if he's self-employed as well. Okay, number three, his effort is minimal in relationship to your effort. I'm gonna repeat that his effort is minimal to the relationship of your effort. Women have a propensity, not all women but many women have a propensity is once they've given heart to a man, their heart to a man, they start putting in more effort. And what that does is that puts pressure on a guy who's not ready for a serious committed relationship. I'm gonna put that that puts pressure on a guy who's not ready for a serious committed relationship. And so the minute there's an imbalance in other words, your effort is greater than his. So his effort is here, your effort is here. He's gonna start to pull away to create even more he's gonna create more space because that space in between deals like pressure to him. So if you start to notice that your effort begins to be more than his, then you might be witnessing somebody that's getting ready to pull away or go distant on you. And even worse, they ghost or disappear on you. And I know there's nothing worse than experiencing that. I've had that happen to me. And I know that's probably happened to you as well. So these are some of the reasons why this happened. By the way, my coffee mug says I make the world go around, what do you do? This was a gift. Somebody knows I'm a Leo. So we Leo's do kind of tend to think the world revolves around us. And I say that a big tongue in cheek, okay? While there might be some truth to that, I'm also aware that there's a vast population of people that also not only feel of that same way about themselves, but the world doesn't revolve around me. But sometimes I might feel that way. All right, let's get into number four. He says he's always busy with his family and friends. He says he's always busy with his family and friends. This is especially true for men who have younger children. This is especially true if they've gone through a divorce and they feel a level of guilt with respects to their children or maybe they have family members that are going through contentious, maybe they're going through health issues or whatnot. When he starts to say I'm busy with family and or friends and a lot of men choose their friends over you. And I want you to think about this for a second. If you're relatively new to his life and let's say he's 40, 50 or 60, he's had 40 plus years of having a life without you. He's had a life without you. He becomes men and women actually by the time they hit 50, I notice they become very set in their ways. And so if they spend a lot of time with family and friends, they may not be in the capacity to actually invest, fully invest in a relationship, but beyond that chemistry piece I talked about in the beginning. And remember I said this, chemistry is very deceptive. We all think that chemistry leads to relationship success and that's the furthest thing from the truth. I'm gonna talk about that in a second. And number five, and this is the most important piece that leads to how what you can do when this happens is he doesn't have a plan for commitment nor is he ready to take care of someone. I'm gonna repeat that. He doesn't have a plan for commitment nor is he ready to take care of someone. Folks, let's think about wedding vows. Rich or poor, sickness and health, thick and thin till death do us part. What that's basically saying is we can all appreciate the good times and at the same time a fully committed relationship is about being there through the tough times and ultimately a man or woman has to reach a place with inside of themselves to say, I want to take care of someone. I wanna take care of someone. If they haven't reached that before they begin the dating process then it's gonna make it very problematic because as I shared in a video this morning, men chase sex hoping for love. So in other words, this whole deception of chemistry plays into the narrative that most men play to most men experience is that we think if we have great chemistry with someone will fall in love with them but we can't fall in love until we're actually ready to take care of someone. It's kind of like the phrase, I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it. I prefer to operate from the premise when I believe it, I will see it. When I believe it, I will see it. In other words, when I believe I can take care of someone, the right person will show up in my life. And I say this is true for men and women alike when you're actually ready to take care of someone. And men don't have a plan towards commitment. This is why ladies, I know you're fantasizing about just sitting in your feminine energy and the guy will cram you. Must be tiring hearing me say this over and over and over again. But I say this narrative over and over again because it's a fantasy this guy's gonna claim you. Folks, a relationship is built on a two lane street. You're going to have to make effort, commensurate to his effort because guys need the push as well. And if they're not making effort, commensurate to your effort or you're not making effort, commensurate to his effort, the relationship will fall apart. And this begins on the very first date. This is why I recommend everybody reading the book if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated because it takes out the bullshit gender narrative that we've been all sold, sold too, sold. We've all been sold on the idea that it's a, this traditional narrative works. Here's the thing, we no longer live in that traditional world where it's a one up, one down the men are the misogynist patriarch types and you're the subservient type. You have an equal say in your relationship destiny. And by the way, given that the number one search term for women is why are men commitment phobic? Why do they disappear? Why do they ghost? Why do you wanna give your relationship destiny to the guy? You are in charge of your relationship destiny. And quite frankly, you're even in charge of the emotional aspects of the relationship that intimacy aspect because men are rather clueless and they're winging it. They're winging it. So what do you do with this knowledge? Well, I said before, when you can understand something you can predict behavior. This is why coming back to, if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, I want you to check this out. It says the word attraction above the waterline. You could see the tip of the iceberg says chemistry but below the waterline is compatibility. And you can see here shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. That's the more important piece to understand and quite frankly, the quintessential piece is emotional maturity. And if you're not familiar with my emotional maturity relationship skills chart, by the way, I want you to notice that it says here, this is not a fact, it's an opinion. But I believe, and by the way, this doesn't mean people can't be in relationship. This just gives you an idea of, I believe the vast majority of the population has weak emotional skills at best. And so 20% of the population has clinical issues. Their borderline, their bipolar, their narcissistic, their sociopath. Now, I'm making up this number for this illustration. As I said, this isn't a fact but a significant percentage of people have real clinical issues. And if they're not addressing them it's gonna be very problematic. And then over here it says about 20% of the population is healthy. I'm being ridiculously generous when I say 20% of the population is emotionally healthy because I believe the vast majority of people fall into the dysfunctional category because they've spent little or no time actually learning the skills on how to be in a healthy happy relationship. This is why ladies, if you follow my narrative, you know, before the penis goes inside the vagina you wanna get two copies of the book, eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman, eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman. So you can understand the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship because when he pulls away or goes distant, chances are he wasn't the right guy for you anyway because here's the thing, the right guy doesn't fold unless he is going through a lot of emotional chaos in his life, he's going through a lot of physical chaos in his life. He's not going, those men are the ones are going to fold and especially those guys with weak emotional skills. This is why it's imperative, right from the very beginning to be radically honest and ask better questions right from the get-go in dating. And if you need some support with that, check out the link to a free discovery call with me. My whole coaching program is designed to help you understand compatibility and design specific questions based on your personality. So when you're out in the dating realm you can ask these questions to determine his emotional health and to determine if he's actually ready for a serious committed relationship. And by the way, giving the statistics here eight out of 10 guys and women, this is by the way, men and women alike, they're really not good candidates to be in relationship with. So if you're not asking better questions you could be setting yourself up for relationship failure. And I want to set you up for relationship success. Do you agree with me? Can I get an amen? All right. So just a reminder, when he goes distant or starts to pull away, what's better, what is a better approach is understanding the mechanics of a healthy, happy relationship, understanding which questions you should be asking so you don't end up with somebody who starts to go distant or pull away. I hope that makes sense and I hope you're on board. And if you are, give me a thumbs up right now. All right. Well, this ends our content portion of our live stream. Now we're going to go into the Q and A portion. And if you're actually on live right now there's a chat box on YouTube and you can post a question of me. This is the Q and A portion of it. Write the word question and then post the question thereafter or purchase a super sticker, super chat. All of the funds for the super sticker, super chat which there's a little dollar sign in the box goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley. There's a picture of Connor right there. My all-time favorite picture of him. One of my all-time favorites of him. He's my son who passed away a few years ago and in his honor, I've started a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development for those that need support. So again, purchase a super sticker, super chat as a way to honor Connor or is it a way to say thank you for the content I provide? And if you're listening to the audio portion of this you won't be able to see any of this. All right, let's jump into the Q and A right now. And I wanna thank Sherry and Carolyn for being on board right now. Let's see what we've got. Let's see, we've got Sista that says amen. We've got Wisteria says amen. Thank you so much. Let's see, what do we have? Let's go swimming. If you have a question, post the word question and then write the question there after it makes it easier for me to find. All right, it looks like question. Randy, it says you posted your question. You're gonna have to write again. I can't find it. By the way, folks, if you posted a question earlier just cut and paste it and put it back and makes it easier for me to find. Thank you so much. All right. Clarissa or Elaine says unpredictable guys will not tell you anything. Actually, men will actually reveal themselves if you learn how to listen, you learn how to elicit and you ask better questions. Most men are not sophisticated enough to actually fool you. Actually, most men are dying to vomit their feelings just as well as women vomit their feelings. Men are dying to vomit their feelings as well. In fact, one thing I'd notice is a lot of men use women as their therapist. Online dating, here's the thing. Online dating has actually turned into therapy sessions for so many men and women, especially those that are engaging in long distance relationships. Let me repeat that, especially those that are engaging in long distance. And I mean long distance like more than 10 or 15 miles when you can't just jump in a car and see them in five or 10 minutes. A lot of people are engaging in tons and tons and tons of telephone calls. Hours upon hours upon hours of telephone calls, which is actually replacing therapy for a lot of men. In fact, my Pilates instructor in the complex I live in, we've been talking about that. She calls this guy that she had over 10 hours of conversation, she nicknamed him AT&T because it was on the telephone. And my reason for sharing this with you is all it was was therapy for him. All he did was share his problems and she shared her own and they commiserated there. But I mean it was just, it was a clusterfuck because he wasn't really ready for a serious relationship. He just wanted someone to talk to. Now he doesn't know this. This is not his conscious self thinking this. This is his subconscious screaming out for help. And oftentimes they're not ready for a therapist, but I gotta tell you online dating has become the new form of therapy. I'm gonna beat that off. Does anyone agree with me on this? Have you ever experienced guys who just basically are treating you like a therapist? And by the way, if you're engaging with these guys, you're just as guilty of it as well. You're guilty of being the therapist. And when I'm used the word guilty, I mean you're a participant in this. So I'm just here to draw attention to this happens frequently. All right, so I'm here to say, if you learn how to listen better, you can pick up the clues and when you learn how to ask better questions. All right, okay, Renee says, question, I've been on a few first meets and one date with a few men I've met on sites. They ask if I'm speaking, if I'm speaking or I've been on dates with others, why do they have this issue with that? Especially if honest. Oh, I love this question. So why would, first off, a guy's going to make an investment in you. It's traditional that men pay for dates, although I'm a big proponent of it being a two lane street where you're both equally investing in each other, but traditionally men pay for dates. So right off the bat, there's a financial investment in you. And why would a man want to invest financially in you if you're dating multiple people they're all investing in you. In fact, I invite you to kind of look at that if this is happening, because you're getting the benefit, I'm not suggesting this and while I am suggesting it, I'm not suggesting about you particularly, but you're getting the benefit of a lot of free meals. So a man might want to say, you know what, I'm not going to invest in someone who's dating multiple people, number one. Number two, as I said, men are territorial. So men, if they're going to invest in you, they want to covet you to some degree. They don't want to necessarily have you dating other people while they're investing in you. And by the way, do you really want him dating other people? If you start to give your heart to a guy, would you really want to give your heart to a guy who's dating multiple people? I'm a big proponent of investing a short bit of time with one person at a time to see if it makes sense to explore getting to know each other at a deeper level. That's how I operate. I like to only flirt and date with one person at a time. By the way, so what if two or three weeks goes by and it doesn't work out? Did I miss out on the universe of all these people? I mean, guys, we can swipe 1,000 people inside of 10 seconds. So why not take a little bit of, now I'm not suggesting being exclusive or anything like this. I'm saying take a break from the noise of dating multiple people, take a break from the noise of dating multiple people and give one person a chance to get to know them. I want you to think about this. Up until about 30 years ago, most people used to date one at a time. It's only since the internet, there were dating multiple, multiple people or meeting multiple, multiple people at the same time. So in this sense, maybe we should go back to a traditional way because you weren't barraged with so many options. And by the way, there's studies now that says there's something called the paradox of choice, the paradox of choice and what that means is, what that means, I'm getting hot by the way, what that means is when we have so many choices, we can't make a choice. This is why I'm not a big proponent of dating multiple people at the same time and flirting with multiple people. Listen, before you meet someone, flirt with 100 people. When you narrowed it down to one and you're going to see them more than once, then take a little break. That's at least my suggestion. So why do guys do this? Listen, I don't like investing in a woman who's dating multiple people. In fact, I've often said to a woman, if she's dating multiple people, then you go figure out your life with these guys, I'm going to go focus on someone who wants to get to know me individually. That's just how I operate. I invite everybody to look at this for themselves in their own capacity. Does this make sense? Let me know. All right, I really appreciate that question. Renee, thank you so much. It was really a great question. All right, SINSTAR. I see a part two, but I don't see a part one. Oh, let's go swimming. Oh, here we go. SINSTAR says, why would a guy break up with someone to return to a chaotic situation with an ex? Unresolved childhood trauma and familiarity? Great question. Exactly, unresolved childhood trauma. So if you're not familiar with the book, the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process, this is about healing childhood wounds and traumas that cause negative patterns limiting beliefs in our lives. Highly recommend checking this book out for yourself. Now, why do men go back to some patterns and women do this as well? If you're not familiar with the Amago, the Amago, I highly recommend checking out the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harbell Hendricks and Helen Hunt. This is a great book to understand why we choose the wrong people over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, expecting different results. I don't have enough time to go into the complexity of this book, but I highly recommend checking out this book so you can understand that question for yourself. So SINSTAR, that was a great question and I definitely recommend, and by the way, you are correct. It is unresolved childhood wounds and familiarity with someone else. It's exactly it. All right. Question. Suzette says, question, can you tell if a guy is seeing other gals and why do I care after one or two dates? You know, when I'm thinking about myself, when I actually go on a first date with someone and I like them, I like saying the words I like you and I'd like to see you again. And usually I try to plan a second or third date very quickly because as I said earlier, I'm a bit territorial. I want to kind of covet them sooner rather than later. So a man who genuinely likes you, he's going to wanna spend time with you. He's going to wanna introduce you to family and friends. He's gonna wanna do social activities with you beyond the surface type of things. He's gonna wanna have sex with you. So it is sometimes hard. By the way, usually when someone is unavailable on a consistent basis or they live far away, that's usually when they might be dating multiple people or engaging in multiple connections with other people. But usually when a guy genuinely likes you, he's gonna wanna kind of, I use the word covet, not in the negative connotation, but in that connotation, he's territorial. He wants to covet you. In other words, he wants you all for himself. That's not a bad thing, folks. That's actually a good thing. You want that. You want to feel coveted. You want to feel cherished. You want to feel desired in those ways. So those are all good things. And by the way, I invite you to do the same for a guy. Ladies, it used to be women used to drop the hanky to get a guy's attention. Now you can't just drop the hanky. You have to continually drop the hanky because as we men age, we're riddled with just as many insecurities as you are. And as I said before, dating triggers the number one emotional health issue within everybody that I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. So men and women alike should be both continually dropping the hanky. And what I mean is, Matthew Hussie, I like what he says. He says, invest and test, invest and test, invest and test, invest and test. In other words, keep investing and see if they invest in you. And if they invest in you, then you invest in them. And that's why I always say dating and relationships are like a two lane street, like a two lane street. And this is why I invite you to make effort, commensurate to their effort. Don't ever make more effort than theirs because when each other is constantly dropping the hanky with one another, making effort, you have a greater chance of relationship success. And by the way, it's not dropping the hanky once it's continually encouraging him and he should be doing the same for you. All right, so coming back to that question, Suzette, how can I tell? You know what? You can tell when a guy is seeing someone else when he doesn't make time for you. That's how you can tell. All right, Suzette, thank you so much. Hey folks, I wanna be candid with you. I wore this mock turtleneck because it's cold outside and I'm actually burning up wearing this. So I'm gonna cut this live stream short today. We're gonna be back on in two days, as I always am. I'm usually on a Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays. Today I'm feeling rather hot in this because I have my lighting there too. So I'll think twice before wearing this. And as I said, it was cold outside. I wanna thank you all for these great questions and I wanna remind you when a guy goes distant or pulls away, if you can understand the mechanics, you can better predict behavior. And when you can better predict behavior, you can make better choices in your life. So my invitation for you all is to study all of the books I talk about, study the material I talk about. Because this bullshit narrative, many of you might be listening to out on the dating realm and I gotta tell you, there's a lot of crappy dating advice that's all based on unhealthy, attraction-based advice that's only temporarily works. The playing games doesn't work long-term. What works long-term is when you can love yourself and be vulnerable, authentic and transparent. I call it that. One of the gals here calls it ATV. I call it that, vulnerable, authentic and transparent. And by the way, I don't mean to open yourself up to being hurt by someone. I just mean, you know what? When we can start to be radically honest with one another, we can actually have greater relationship success. And that's my invitation. If we can ask better questions in the early stages, you're actually is going to improve your intuition. So check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you, check out my membership group, check out the books I recommend, check out my podcast as well. There are all the links below. And join me on Instagram as well. And if you wanna connect with me, go to Instagram and send me a message. All right, this would be a great place to wrap up today. As always, I wanna thank you for being on live or listening to the recording. I'm gonna give myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug right now. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. All right, thank you so much and wishing you a fabulous evening. Bye now, bye. I wanna say goodbye to Sherry, to Renee, to Kim, to Wisteria, but Carol and Jennifer, thank you, Suzette. Sin start, Elaine, thank you so much, Jennifer. Have a great evening, bye now.