 I didn't ask because he took a day off. It's a priority. I hate to burst your bubble, but how did I? I love you. I quit my job, alright? I have a question I ask you to relate to. I'm sure that it will work. So my question is, I've been meditating for 35 years and I'm a Transcendental Meditation Instructor. And that's not for the ego. I'm just saying what the knowledge I have down there. And so when I was a young person, Marie told us that there would be Transcendental Consciousness, CC, GC, unit. And so the description of CC was Transcendental was, you know, non-martial, non-thoughts, the self, the self without an object of perception. Cosmic consciousness was witnessing what you were talking about last night, witnessing waking, dreaming, and sleeping. It was along with waking and dreaming and sleeping. God consciousness was seeing the finest particle structure of creation, the sap in the trees, the aura of the light, seeing everything in this devotion, like how can I serve you? How can I be better? Being completely devoted to service. And then unity was just a thread called Laysha Vidya, holding on to the planet, which is maybe your experience, where you're not a body, you're one. Like I am that, I work that, and this is nothing but that. And the only reason you're still even incarnated is that it is your choice. And then you go home and rest. Because you're just not with everything. There's no differentiation. So, he told us that he thought you would get there in five years. That was so funny. He was so disappointed. He said, you Westerners, I don't know why you've done to your Western systems. So, I come from this background of thought and study for 25 years of all the sacred texts, the Kabbalah, the Yudhishtha, Tiam Buddha, and blah, blah, blah. And I need to unlearn it all is what you're saying. I just need to let it go and not be on it. If I do this, I'll help out and just surrender it all. All of my work. You have to empty your mind of everything and my other message is it's fun. It's fun to let go of it all. Oh, it's fun to empty, to be empty of all these concepts and thoughts, even the so-called spiritual ones. It's their kind of trapping because I always would feel bad that I wasn't in CC or unity and I've had experiences for three weeks at a time where I could see the finest article structure of creation and that was trippy, but it didn't last and it didn't bring a difference. It was just that I know we're not what we appear to be and so that's a great thing but it doesn't make me happy all the time. You know what I mean? Yeah. So then I came to the course and I thought, okay, where is this going to put more Rishi stuff because I thought that we would just get Cruz into God's consciousness immunity and so it's saying no, you need to make a choice. You need to choose to surrender and plug into God's way and his story and ask the Holy Spirit to take all the stuff between you if it stops you. Okay. One more question. Which brings up the layer of the guilt and the sorrow. I don't know about anybody else but when things happen to me and I might cry so I hope everybody's okay with crying but when when I was a little girl when I was 9, my dad died in front of me of a heart attack and this is just a story like you said, your story of you and you said, so my story is I really missed him and my mother was by the tyrant and she we're okay now but at that time there was a lot of physical abuse from when I was 9 to 14, big time so I knew when my dad left I wasn't safe and that's what I told myself the decision. So I think the whole rest of my life I've been looking for a daddy or a man to keep me safe because I didn't feel safe when he left so as a result of that every time somebody leaves it seems like there's this ancient wound that there's so much pain comes up and it doesn't go away and it doesn't seem like it's just what happened it doesn't seem in proportion to the event, you know what I mean but every time somebody leaves whether it's a boyfriend or my son's incarcerated and I'm bleeding through Alzheimer's and dementia and my boyfriend is 6 years left and when I lose myself I forget I forget my changed lessons and then I work really hard to do the course but then I forget and so I'm just wondering if all this hooting is just a guilt and the ego put that looks like hurt because I'm projecting and I make it about them and it's not about that, right? It's a very deep it's a deep, deep, deep belief in abandonment and it actually goes back to God even though it's projected out and many people seem to leave us parents, you know, either leave or through death or divorce partners leave, children leave you know, there's this it's a sense of loss too, loss and abandonment is what we're really looking at and the deeper belief is it's such so buried over with this world but it's the belief that you could actually leave God or that God could leave you and it gets projected in many different ways Helen Chuckman who was described as a course wrote a lot of poetry and she titled it The Gifts of God and she was had the same feelings you're talking about not so much with a biological father or in relationships but with Jesus, this deep thing like how could you leave us here you know, how could you go ascend to the right end of the father and say I am with you always and then you're gone maybe like the apostles felt after it was a three years of a rocky ride hanging on with this guy and everything he was talking about but then their writings even in the New Testament had some bitterness and anger in there because their master he could strung up on the cross and then come back briefly low I am with you always even until the end of time but still, not to the body there's a teacher Yogananda when he sat down with his disciples there at that supper and everything and it's been great everything there's a body here gasp a gasp as the body remained in a state of non decay but there was no animated Yogananda figure there so what you're tapping into Argo is this very very deep seated sense of abandonment and loss that really goes back to the belief that you could separate from God and then as soon as that belief seems to have taken effect as soon as you believe you actually accomplished the impossible the ego's God an anthropomorphic God a God with human emotions and also did you define anthropomorphic is ascribing human attributes to God for non-human for non-human entity so what's anthropomorphic can you break it down for me? I just know the meaning of it sorry egos is where I was at yeah sentient sentient no I get the gist of it so basically the ego has projected all this on to God and of course the Old Testament of the Bible is loaded with it God zapping tribes and playing favorites left and right even though there is a line in the Old Testament that God has no favorites but most of the stories actually look like he's got a lot of favorites and what Jesus really came to say was God is the God of love God loves you unconditionally the hypothetical son's story that was repeated over and over was that no matter what you think you've done about throwing away your inheritance or ruining your family name or blowing it God loves you no matter what and God will come rushing down the road to meet you if you even make a turn towards God and go back towards this beautiful loving spirit so this abandonment thing just has been played out for centuries and centuries and millennia in the sense that in other realms and on and on of this belief that the separation which is really a mind thing is being inactive in form in people and it's so boring boring we change this table you can see the pattern it just feels like the tape it's just like come on I need this to stop so what if you explored that if you went into that so that you could instead of denying it and saying I should be past this I've dealt with this before that was my next question because Sarah's always saying and Pat's really good at it but I don't know how to do it it's really my toy spirit and I'm like oh my God my partner because it's just like there's this presence this shadow, it's like a limb the limb is still here but he's not here so then do I say tell me how to say then do I sit down with my eyes open or sit down with my eyes closed and say Holy Spirit I'm noticing that I'm grieving I give this to you I'm noticing I'm sad and lonely I'm telling myself stories how do I give it to him how do I say what's in my heart all the illusion of the ego well what she's saying too about go into it is when the emotions come up the important thing is not to stuff them back down not to repress them and then also the temptation as soon as they seem to come up is the ego immediately wants to project it out to a cause and form Chris left I miss him I feel abandoned I feel a sense of loss I feel a sense of grief an ego wants to tie that feeling into some event in the world but it's not in fact you can't feel loss unless you believe in loss loss is a belief of the ego of course there's no loss in the Holy Spirit but the ego believes in loss so this is where the emotions come up really when we say turn it over to the Holy Spirit it's not like there's a catchphrase or if I could just say it the right way or I'm in the right posture or whatever I try this usually I'm not really ashamed that has inspired these people really is every day is a full plate of these emotions coming up and the Course is saying you don't have to go on a witch hunt for them just daily life they're there they're right there and the key is to not try to protect them or guard them or hold them in that's why it's okay to cry it's okay to let those emotions pour out I have a question in relation to what Margot is asking I remember when I went through what she was going through and I was just learning the Course and it seemed like I was going doing the work yet the pain remained really constant and one of my counselors introduced me to the Course when in deep waters become a diver like be with it so I kept being with it but I cried for six months the pain was so excruciating like I mean I want to death compared to the pain but I truly was with the pain I don't know maybe at some level but I didn't seem to get that immediate relief a couple of times when I was talking to David Ott the guy got me into the Course he transcended something where I had from absolute pain to absolute peace I maintained that peace for three or four hours so I had a proof that whatever he's talking about at that time which I had no clue was working so it gave me enough faith to keep at it I sometimes get wonder if it's just not the time heals all wounds where it's become kind of my ego's board with all this pain stuff and it's time to move on and it's been a couple of years now you know to say that would be kind of a downplaying the Course and all the results I've gotten from it but I just remember where Margot was and that there's a song that goes when you're in the storm tie yourself to the mass my friend in the storm will end kind of like ride it out kind of an attitude so basically all I ended up doing was just keep working the Course keep working the Course now it's become very easy but I'm not in that place of desperation so disparate and desperate at the same time just anything nothing was enough I'd cry myself to sleep I hadn't slept in three days then I'd wake up from a bad dream it was just completely violent and cruel so when someone's in that state it's a state of insanity do you have a suggestion or maybe a piece of advice that if I'm ever faced with someone who needs that kind of counseling what piece of advice may I offer on besides time will do its thing and just hang in there last time I was here I brought out this thing called instrument for peace which is a 12 step thing to work through process to work through and it's online I don't know if we have any of those with us but anyway that was the stepping thing to start off with what you were perceiving your emotions and really getting it out on paper and I designed it to literally guide the mind through the steps of bringing it in and releasing it and I was able to squeeze it down into 12 steps and then a lot of times people would use that and practice it with anything anytime you're upset in fact I even went so far as I don't know that we even make these anymore but years ago the Course teaches that pain are the same the two sides of the same coin and Jesus says at one point it's impossible to seek for pleasure without finding pain so the ego never wants that raised to awareness it wants you to keep getting chasing the fool's gold getting disappointed and then going back and chasing some more fool's gold so you'll stay stuck in the guilt and it'll stay in business so to speak so I even had one called pleasure I had a group of flock of students following around and I said you want to do a workshop that will really be lightly attended healing with pleasure going to one of these metaphysical churches healing with pleasure but I had a whole sheet designed aimed at pleasure when I feel this pleasure it's just a distraction again from coming to peace and judgment so another thing I talked about last night was rules for decision which is basically the only value of allowing those intense emotions to come into awareness is that you have an impetus to change your mind they don't feel good and anybody who says just let them come in and be with them and if you end up with them for weeks or months or six years it's a little bit of sacrifice and suffering like martyrdom like woe is me not being with this pain I've been with it for six years the Course is not asking you to suffer it's truly optional but at the beginning the Holy Spirit knows that you're so invested in suffering that the contrast you get it's not why we're here we're all one everything is perfect harmony and peace with God that's what's real why are we here why are we in this you know it's a dream of incarnation why are we in this dream it's a dream of believing that you can be a divine mind and go wandering off into time and space is that the dream the dream is that we are in this dream but the real dream is to be a divine with a divine mind well I would say that the divine mind is purely abstract so it has nothing to do with dreaming what you're doing here is going from being a dream figure or being on the screen like if you watch a movie and you've got Richard Gere over there and Julia Roberts and whatever you're going from being a dream figure first to being the dreamer of the dream very empowering if you're the dreamer of the dream it doesn't matter what's going on in that dream because you know that it's a dream you're very happy you're a happy dreamer of course as the Holy Spirit needs happy learners you're a happy learner when you're back as a dreamer and then poof God takes the final step the dream you wake up from the dream it goes from being a nightmare of suffering I have a lot of it's a real stumbling block for me to read that you know it never says in that book of Genesis or whatever that Adam woke up so we're still in this dream when Jesus put him to our God put him to sleep I didn't put it well no it says he went to sleep he fell asleep and it never says anywhere that he woke up that's the fall from grace but there is a wake up call in the New Testament I am the father of one before Abraham was I am this is a mind of wake we could say at the most or at the very least aware that it's a dream and be of good cheer I've overcome the world be of good cheer I'm not a dream figure anymore I'm the dreamer good news everyone this is a dream what I've done you shall do as well seemingly Jesus was just the first to reach the point of being the dreamer and at that point forgive them for they know not what they do it doesn't matter stick spikes in the body do whatever you want whip it tear it up of course if you've seen the passion of the Christ how bloody can a body get it doesn't matter though if you're the dreamer of a dream and it's a dream because you're not the body that's why he didn't suffer no no no no suffering it's not about suffering it's about joy happiness it was backed up so far it's like whatever this is not going away like you said the body appears to be going to Edmonton the body appears to be traveling over the world the parable of David it's just a parable but I am not that so when he says forgive them for they know not what they do it's not even about that it's not even about forgive them for they know not what they do well we translated we have a patism from last night we translated that very line into forgive them for they didn't do anything there we go they just had fun with some carpentry and nails I've never read the Bible because any time I've made an attempt which isn't very often it's been so ridiculous to me and all this stuff but I'm curious about the early days of Adam and Eve and that history and how people lived through these 600 and 900 what's that really about for the early man like you get early ancient times in the Bible the history of the evolution of man to science who is the reporter writing it all down if there's only two an inspired person Adam and Eve are as fictitious as David or Pat all the persons throughout all the time billions and billions and billions that have come and gone are all part of the fiction so it's not who is real and who wasn't and really the real question comes with any parable then does it inspire does it bring illumination does it help you remember that you're a divine mind a divine being I can understand that story of Adam and Eve but I'm referring more to the ancients there's a whole lineage in the Bible the body is a projection of the ego the five senses are all tied in the ego everything just like that old book that people told me about something like John gets your gun or something where he seems to be wounded in some war and so the whole book is him discovering as he goes through the whole book that he's blind he can't see and he can't hear and he can't feel and he realizes that he's he's got none of his five senses not one but he still exists exactly exactly and so and you get to the course and you start doing that workbook and Jesus says the body's eyes were made not to see the body's ears were made not to hear ah this is interesting stuff everyone's so concerned about losing their senses yeah you can't lose them because they never were you in the first place it's long enough that she said that she still perceives differently because she doesn't see it's beautiful when you really start to feel the joy welling up you know maybe the body's eyes can't seem to see we had a great hug that hug was coming from eternity you could feel the joy of eternity they're expressing because it even goes beyond the hug it's right in the heart and that's the beauty of this whole journey is it takes you into the core of your very being and that core was never born and could never die that core doesn't really have anything to do with time that the Holy Spirit uses time to teach that there is no time it's not really a paradox but it seems to be one but it's like you feel these timeless moments you know we've all had those experiences where you're so in joy so in love that you lose track of time you aren't aware of the passage of time how glorious