 Section 51 of the Expedition of Humphrey-Clinker. The Expedition of Humphrey-Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 51. Two Swatkin Phillips Baronet of Jesus College Oxford. Dear Watt, we made a precipitate retreat from Scarborough owing to the excessive delicacy of our squire, who cannot bear the thoughts of being praitereuntium digitum monstratus. One morning, while he was bathing in the sea, his man, Clinker, tugged into his head that his master was in danger of drowning. And in this conceit, plunging into the water, he lugged him out naked on the beach, and almost pulled off his ear in the operation. You may guess how this achievement was relished by Mr. Bramble, who is impatient, irascible, and has the most extravagant ideas of decency and decorum in the economy of his own person. In the first ebullition of his collar, he knocked Clinker down with his fist. But he afterwards made him immense for his outrage, and in order to avoid further notice of the people, among whom this incident had made him remarkable, he resolved to leave Scarborough next day. We set out accordingly over the moors by way of Whitby, and began our journey betimes in hopes of reaching Stockton that night, but in this hope we were disappointed. In the afternoon, crossing a deep gutter made by a torrent, the coach was so hard strained that one of the irons, which connect the frame, snapped, and the leather sling on the same side cracked in the middle. The shock was so great that my sister Liddy struck her head against Mistress Tabitha's nose with such violence that the blood flowed. And when Jenkins was darted through a small window in that part of the carriage next to the horses, where she stuck like a board in the pillory, till she was released by the hand of Mr. Bramble. We were eight miles distant from any place where we could be supplied with chases, and it was impossible to proceed with the coach until the damage should be repaired. In this dilemma we discovered a blacksmith's forge on the edge of a small common, about half a mile from the scene of our disaster, and thither the postilians made shift to draw the carriage slowly, while the company walked afoot. But we found the blacksmith had been dead some days, and his wife, who had been lately delivered, was deprived of her senses, under the care of a nurse hired by the parish. We were exceedingly mortified at this disappointment, which, however, was surmounted by the help of Humphrey Clinker, who is a surprising compound of genius and simplicity. Finding the tools of the defunct, together with some coals in the smithy, he unscrewed the damaged iron in a twinkling, and kindling a fire, united the broken pieces with equal dexterity and dispatch. While he was at work upon this operation, the poor woman in the straw, struck with the well-known sound of the hammer and anvil, started up, and notwithstanding all the nurse's efforts, came running into the smithy, where, throwing her arms about Clinker's neck, ah, Jacob! cried she, how could you leave me in such a condition? This incident was too pathetic to occasion mirth. It brought tears into the eyes of all present. The poor widow was put to bed again, and we did not leave the village without doing something per her benefit. Even Tabitha's charity was awakened on this occasion. As for the tender-hearted Humphrey Clinker, he hammered the iron and wept at the same time. But his ingenuity was not confined to his own province of Farrier and Blacksmith. It was necessary to join the leather sling which had been broke, and this service he likewise performed by means of a broken awl which he knew pointed and ground, a little hemp which he spun into lingels, and a few tacks which he made for the purpose. Upon the whole we were in a condition to proceed in little more than an hour. But even this delay obliged us to pass the night at Geisbrough. Next day we crossed the tees at Stockton, which is a neat, agreeable town, and there we resolved to dine, with purpose to lie at Durham. Whom should we meet in the yard when we are lighted? But Martin, the adventurer! Having handed out the ladies and conducted them into an apartment where he paid his compliments to Mistress Tabith, with his usual address, he begged leave to speak to my uncle in another room, and there in some confusion he made an apology for having taken the liberty to trouble him with a letter at Stephenidge. He expressed his hope that Mr. Bramble had bestowed some consideration on his unhappy case, and repeated his desire of being taken into his service. My uncle, calling me into the room, told him that we were both very well inclined to rescue him from a way of life that was equally dangerous and dishonourable, and that he should have no scruples in trusting to his gratitude and fidelity if he had any employment for him, which he thought would suit his qualifications and his circumstances. Note that all the departments he had mentioned in his letter were filled up by persons of whose conduct he had no reason to complain. Of consequence he could not, without injustice, deprive any one of them of his bread. Nevertheless, he declared himself ready to assist him in any feasible project, either with his purse or credit. Stephen seemed deeply touched at this declaration. The tear started in his eye while he said in a faltering accent, Worthy sir, your generosity oppresses me. I never dreamed of troubling you for any pecuniary assistance. Indeed I have no occasion. I have been so lucky at billions and betting in different places at Buxton, Harrogate, Scarborough, and Newcastle races that my stock in ready money amounts to three hundred pounds, which I would willingly employ in prosecuting some honest scheme of life. But my friend Justice Buzzard has set so many springs for my life that I am under the necessity of either retiring immediately to a remote part of the country, where I can enjoy the protection of some generous patron, or of quitting the kingdom altogether. It is upon this alternative that I now beg leave to ask your advice. I have had information of all your route, since I had the honour to see you at Stephenage, and supposing you would come this way from Scarborough, I came hither last night from Darlington to pay you my respects. It would be no difficult matter to provide you with an asylum in the country," replied my uncle. But a life of indolence and obscurity would not suit with your active and enterprising disposition. I would therefore advise you to try your fortune in the East Indies. I will give you a letter to a friend in London who will recommend you to the direction for a commission in the company's service. And if that cannot be obtained, you will at least be received as a volunteer. In which case you may pay for your passage, and I shall undertake to procure you such credentials that you will not be long without a commission. Martin embraced the proposal with great eagerness. It was therefore resolved that he should sell his horse and take a passage by sea for London to execute the project without delay. In the meantime he accompanied us to Durham, where we took up our quarters for the night. Here being furnished with letters from my uncle, he took his leave of us, with strong symptoms of gratitude and detachment, and set out for Sunderland in order to embark in the first collier bound for the River Thames. He had not been gone half an hour when we were joined by another character which promised something extraordinary. A tall meager figure, answering with his horse the description of Don Quixote, mounted on Rosinante, appeared in the twilight at the indoor, while my aunt and Liddy stood at a window in the dining-room. He wore a coat, the cloth of which had once been scarlet, trimmed with Brandenburgs, now totally deprived of their metal, and he had holster caps and housing of the same stuff and same antiquity. Perceiving ladies at the window above, he endeavoured to dismount with the most graceful air he could assume, but the Ostler neglecting to hold the stirrup when he wheeled off his right foot and stood with his whole weight on the other, the girth unfortunately gave way. The saddle turned, down came the cavalier to the ground, and his hat and periwig falling off displayed a headpiece of various colours, patched and plastered in a woeful condition. The ladies at the window above shrieked with a fright, on the supposition that the stranger had received some notable damages in his fall, but the greatest injury he had sustained arose from the dishonour of his descent, aggravated by the disgrace of exposing the condition of his cranium. For certain plebeians that were about the door laughed aloud in the belief that the captain had either got a scald head or a broken head, both equally approbrious. He forthwith leapt up in a fury, and snatching one of his pistols threatened to put the Ostler to death, when another squall from the women checked his resentment. He then bowed to the window while he kissed the butt end of his pistol, which he replaced, at his wig in great confusion, and led his horse into the stable. By this time I had come to the door, and could not help gazing at the strange figure that presented itself to my view. He would have measured above six feet in height had he stood upright, but he stooped very much, was very narrow in the shoulders, and very thick in the calves of his legs, which were cased in black spatterdashes. As for his thighs, they were long and slender, like those of a grass-hopper. His face was at least half a yard in length, brown and shriveled, with projecting cheek-bones, little grey eyes on the greenish hue, a large hook-nose, a pointed chin, a mouth from ear to ear, very ill-furnished with teeth, and a high, narrow forehead, well thoroughed with wrinkles. His horse was exactly in the style of its rider, a resurrection of dry bones, which, as we afterwards learned, he valued exceedingly, as the only present he had ever received in his life. Having seen this favourite steed properly accommodated in the stable, he sent up his compliments to the ladies, begging permission to thank them in person for the marks of concern they had shown at his disaster in the courtyard. As the squire said they could not decently decline his visit, he was shown upstairs, and paid his respects in the Scotch dialect, with much formality. Ladies, said he, perhaps you may be scander-leased at the appearance of my head-made when it was uncovered by accident, but I can assure you the condition you saw it in is neither the effects of diseases nor of drunkenness, but an honest scar received in the service of my country. He then gave us to understand that having been wounded at Ticonderoga in America, a party of Indians rifled him, scalped him, broke his skull with the blow of a tomahawk, and left him for dead on the field of battle. But that being afterwards found with signs of life, he had been cured in the French hospital, though the loss of substance could not be repaired, so that the skull was left naked in several places, and these he covered with patches. There is no hold by which an Englishman is sooner taken than that of compassion. We were immediately interested in behalf of this veteran. Even Tabithart was melted, but our pity was warmed with indignation, when we learned that in the course of two sanguinary wars he had been wounded, maimed, mutilated, taken, and enslaved, without ever having attained a higher rank than that of lieutenant. My uncle's eyes gleamed, and his nether lip quivered, while he exclaimed, I vow to God, sir, your case is a reproach to the service. The injustice you have met with is so flagrant. I must crave your pardon, sir," cried the other, interrupting him. I complain of no injustice. I purchased an insency thirty years ago, and in the course of service rose to a lieutenant, according to my seniority. But in such a length of time, resumed the squire, you must have seen a great many young officers put over your head. Nevertheless, said he, I have no cause to murmur. They bought their preferment with their money. I had no money to carry to market. That was my misfortune, but nobody was to blame. What, no friend to advance the sum of money, said Mr. Bramble. Perhaps I might have borrowed money for the purchase of a company," answered the other. But that loan must have been refunded, and I did not choose to encumber myself with a debt of a thousand pounds to be paid from an income of ten shillings a day. So you have spent the best part of your life," cried Mr. Bramble, your youth, your blood, and your constitution amidst the dangers, the difficulties, the horrors and hardships of a war, for the consideration of three or four shillings a day. A consideration, sir," replied the scot with great warmth, you are the man, but does me injustice, if you see or think I have been activated by any such paltry consideration. I am a gentleman, and enter the service as other gentlemen do, with such hopes and sentiments, as honourable ambition inspires. If I have not been lucky in the lottery of life, so neither do I think myself unfortunate. I ought a no man of farthing. I can always command a clean shirt, a mutton chop, and a truss of straw, and when I die I shall leave effect sufficient to defree the expense of my burial. My uncle assured him he had no intention to give him the least offence by the observations he had made, but on the contrary spoke from a sentiment of friendly regard to his interest. The lieutenant thanked him with a stiffness of civility, which netdled our old gentleman who perceived that his moderation was all affected, for whatever his tongue might declare, his whole appearance denoted dissatisfaction. In short, without pretending to judge of his military merit, I think I may affirm that this Caledonian is a self-conceited pedant, awkward, rude, and disputatious. He has had the benefit of a school education, seems to have read a good number of books, his memory is tenacious, and he pretends to speak several different languages, but he is so addicted to wrangling that he will cavill at the clearest truths, and in the pride of argumentation attempt to reconcile contradictions. Whether his address and qualifications are really of that stamp which is agreeable to the taste of our aunt, Mistress Tabitha, or that indefatigable maiden is determined to shoot at every sort of game, certain it is she has begun to practice upon the heart of the lieutenant, who favoured us with his company to supper. I have many other things to say of this man of war, which I shall communicate in a post or two. Meanwhile it is but reasonable that you should be indulged with some respite from those weary lucubrations of yours, J. Malford. Newcastle upon Tine, July 10th, end of Section 51 Section 52 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording, or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Geeson. The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 52 to Sir Watkin Phillips Baronet of Jesus College Oxford Dear Phillips, in my last I treated you with a high-flavoured dish in the character of the Scotch Lieutenant, and I must present him once more for your entertainment. It was our fortune to feed upon him the best part of three days, and I do not doubt that he will start again in our way before we shall have finished our northern excursion. The day after our meeting with him at Durham proved so tempestuous that we did not choose to proceed on our journey, and my uncle persuaded him to stay till the weather should clear up, giving him at the same time a general invitation to our mess. The man has certainly gathered a whole budget of shrewd observations, but he brings them forth in such an ungracious manner as would be extremely disgusting if it was not marked by that characteristic oddity which never fails to attract the attention. He and Mr. Bramble discoursed, and even disputed, on different subjects in war, policy, the bellettre, law, and metaphysics, and sometimes they were warmed into such altercation as seemed to threaten an abrupt dissolution of their society. But Mr. Bramble set a guard over his own irascibility the more vigilantly as the officer was his guest, and when in spite of all his efforts he began to wax warm, the other prudently cooled in the same proportion. Mistress Tabitha, chancing to accost her brother by the familiar diminutive of Matt, Présar, said the lieutenant, is your name Matthias. You must know that it is one of our uncle's foibles to be ashamed of his name Matthew, because it is puritanical, and this question chagrined him so much that he answered, No, by God, in a very abrupt tone of displeasure. The scot took umbrage at the manner of his reply and bristling up. If I had known, said he, that you did not care to tell your name, I should not have asked the question. The lady called you Matt, and I naturally thought it was Matthias. Perhaps it may be Mathusola, or Metrodorus, or Metellus, or Mathurinus, or Malthinus, or Matamorus, or— No, cried my uncle, laughing, it is neither of those, Captain. My name is Matthew Bramble, at your service. The truth is, I have a foolish peek at the name of Matthew, because it favours of those canting hypocrites, who in Cromwell's time christened all their children by names taken from the scripture. A foolish peek indeed, cried Mistress Tabby, and even sinful to fall out with your name, because it is taken from Holy Ridd. I would have you to know, you was called after great Uncle Matthew Ap Maddock, Ap Meredith Esquire, of Llanwistin in Montgomeryshire. Justice of the quorum and crusty rattleorum, a gentleman of great worth and property, descended in a straight line by the female side from Llewellyn, Prince of Wales. This genealogical anecdote seemed to make some impression upon the North Britain, who bowed very low to the descendant of Llewellyn, and observed that he himself had the honour of a scriptural nomination. The lady expressing a desire of knowing his address, he said, he designed himself, Lieutenant Obediah Liz Mahago, and in order to assist her memory, he presented her with a slip of paper inscribed with these three words, which she repeated with great emphasis, declaring it was one of the most noble and sonorous names she had ever heard. He observed that Obediah was an adventitious appellation derived from his great-grandfather, who had been one of the original covenanters. But Liz Mahago was the family's surname, taken from a place in Scotland, so called. He likewise dropped some hints about the antiquity of his pedigree, adding with a smile of self-denial, which quotation he explained in deference to the ladies, and Mistress Tabitha did not fail to compliment him on his modesty in waving the merit of his ancestry, adding that it was the less necessary to him as he had such a considerable fund of his own. She now began to glue herself to his favour with the grossest adulation. She expatiated upon the antiquity and virtues of the Scottish nation, upon their valour, probity, learning, and politeness. She even descended to encomiums on his own personal address, his gallantry, good sense, and erudition. She appealed to her brother whether the captain was not the very image of our cousin Governor Griffith. She discovered a surprising eagerness to know the particulars of his life, and asked a thousand questions concerning his achievements in war, all which Mr. Liz Mahago answered with a sort of Jesuitical reserve, effecting a reluctance to satisfy her curiosity on a subject that concerned his own exploits. By dint of her interrogations, however, we learned that he and Ensign Murphy had made their escape from the French hospital at Montreal, and taken to the woods in hope of reaching some English settlement. But mistaking their route, they fell in with a party of miamis who carried them away in captivity. The intention of these Indians was to give one of them as an adopted son to a venerable sachem, who had lost his own in the course of the war, and to sacrifice the other according to the custom of the country. Murphy, as being the younger and handsomer of the two, was designed to fill the place of the deceased, not only as the son of the sachem, but as the spouse of a beautiful squaw, to whom his predecessor had been betrothed. But in passing through the different wigwams or villages of the miamis, poor Murphy was so mangled by the women and children who had the privilege of torturing all prisoners in their passage, that by the time they arrived at the place of the sachem's residence, he was rendered altogether unfit for the purposes of marriage. It was determined, therefore, in the assembly of the warriors, that Ensign Murphy should be brought to the stake, and that the lady should be given to Lieutenant Lisma Hago, who had likewise received his share of torments, though they had not produced emasculation. A joint of one finger had been cut or rather sawed off with a rusty knife. One of his great toes was crushed into a mash betwixt two stones. Some of his teeth were drawn, or dug out with a crooked nail. Splintered reeds had been thrust up his nostrils and other tender parts, and the calves of his legs had been blown up with mines of gunpowder dug in the flesh with the sharp point of the tomahawk. The Indians themselves allowed that Murphy died with great heroism, singing as his death song The Drim and Dew, in concert with Mr Lisma Hago, who was present at the solemnity. After the warriors and the matrons had made a hearty meal upon the muscular flesh which they paired from the victim, and had applied a great variety of tortures which he bore without flinching. An old lady with a sharp knife scooped out one of his eyes and put a burning coal in the socket. The pain of this operation was so exquisite that he could not help bellowing, upon which the audience raised a shout of exultation, and one of the warriors stealing behind him gave him the kudokras with a hatchet. Lisma Hago's bride, the scour, Swinkinacusta, distinguished herself on this occasion. She showed a great superiority of genius in the tortures which she contrived and executed with her own hands. She vied with the stoutest warrior in eating the flesh of the sacrifice, and after all the other females were fuddled with drum-drinking. She was not so intoxicated, but that she was able to play the game of the platter with the conjuring sachem, and afterwards go through the ceremony of her own wedding, which was consummated that same evening. The captain had lived very happily with this accomplished score for two years, during which she bore him a son, who is now the representative of his mother's tribe. But at length to his unspeakable grief, she had died of a fever, occasioned by eating too much raw bear, which they had killed in a hunting excursion. By this time, Mr. Lisma Hago was elected sachem, acknowledged first warrior of the Badger tribe, and dignified with the name or epithet of Occacanasta Ogarora, which signifies nimble as a weasel. But all these advantages and honours he was obliged to resign, in consequence of being exchanged for the orator of the community who had been taken prisoner by the Indians that were in alliance with the English. At the peace he had sold out upon half-pay, and was returned to Britain, with a view to pass the rest of his life in his own country, where he hoped to find some retreat where his slender finances would afford him a decent subsistence. Such are the outlines of Mr. Lisma Hago's history, to which Tabitha did seriously incline her ear. Indeed, she seemed to be taken with the same charms that captivated the heart of Desdemona, who loved the more for the dangers he had passed. The description of poor Murphy's sufferings, which threw my sister Liddy into a swoon, extracted some sighs from the breast of Mistress Tabitha. When she understood that he had been rendered unfit for marriage, she began to spit and ejaculate it. Jesus, what cruel barbarians! And she made rye faces at the lady's nuptial repast. But she was eagerly curious to know the particulars of her marriage dress, whether she wore high-breasted stays or bodice, a robe of silk or velvet, and laces of mechelin or mignonette. She supposed, as they were connected with the French, she used rouge, and had her hair dressed in the Parisian fashion. The captain would have declined giving a categorical explanation of all these particulars, observing in general that the Indians were too tenacious of their own customs to adopt the modes of any nation whatsoever. He said, moreover, that neither the simplicity of their manners nor the commerce of their country would admit of these articles of luxury which are deemed magnificence in Europe, and that they were too virtuous and sensible to encourage the introduction of any fashion which might help to render them corrupt and effeminate. These observations served only to inflame her desire of knowing the particulars about which she had inquired, and with all his evasion he could not help discovering the following circumstances. That his princess had neither shoes, stockings, shift, nor any kind of linen, that her bridal vest consisted of a petticoat of red bays, and a fringed blanket fastened about her shoulders with a copper skewer. But of ornaments she had great plenty. Her hair was curiously plaited and interwoven with bobbins of human bone. One eyelid was painted green, and the other yellow. Her cheeks were blue, the lips white, the teeth red, and there was a black list drawn down the middle of the forehead as far as the tip of the nose. A couple of gaudy parrots feathers were stuck through the division of the nostrils. There was a blue stone set in the chin. Her earrings consisted of two pieces of hickory of the size and shape of drumsticks. Her arms and legs were adorned with bracelets of wampum. Her breast glittered with numerous strings of glass beads. She wore a curious pouch, a pocket of woven grass, elegantly painted with various colours. About her neck was hung the fresh scalp of a mohawk warrior, whom her deceased lover had lately slain in battle. And finally she was anointed from head to foot with bears' grease, which sent forth the most agreeable odour. One would imagine that these paraphernalia would not have been much admired by a modern fine lady. But Mistress Tabitha was resolved to approve of all of the captain's connections. She wished indeed the squaw had been better provided with linen, but she owned there was much taste and fancy in her ornaments. She made no doubt, therefore, that Madame Swinkinacusta was a young lady of good sense and rare accomplishments, and a good Christian at bottom. Then she asked whether his consort had been high church or low church, Presbyterian or Anabaptist, or had been favoured with any glimmering of the new light of the gospel. When he confessed that she and her whole nation were utter strangers to the Christian faith, she gazed at him with signs of astonishment, and Humphrey Clinker, who chanced to be in the room, uttered a hollow groan. After some pause, In the name of God, Captain Lysma Hago, cried she, What religion do they profess? As to religion, Madame, answered the lieutenant, it is among those Indians a matter of great simplicity. They never heard of any alliance between church and state. They, in general, worshiped two contending principles, one the fountain of all good, the other the source of all evil. The common people there, as in other countries, run into the absurdities of superstition, but sensible men pay adoration to a supreme being who created and sustains the universe. Oh, what pity! exclaimed the pious tabby, that some holy man has not been inspired to go and convert these poor heathens. The lieutenant told her that while he resided among them, two French missionaries arrived in order to convert them to the Catholic religion. But when they talked of mysteries and revelations which they could neither explain nor authenticate, and called in the evidence of miracles which they believed upon hearsay, when they taught that the supreme creator of heaven and earth had allowed his only son, his own equal in power and glory, to enter the bowels of a woman, to be born as a human creature, to be insulted, flagellated, and even executed as a malefactor, when they pretended to create God himself, to swallow, digest, revive, and multiply him an infinitum, by the help of a little flour and water, the Indians were shocked at the impiety of their presumption. They were examined by the assembly of the sages, who desired them to prove the divinity of their mission by some miracle. They answered that it was not in their power. If you were really sent by heaven for our conversion, said one of the sages, you would certainly have some supernatural endowments. At least you would have the gift of tongues in order to explain your doctrine to the different nations among which you are employed, but you are so ignorant of our language that you cannot express yourself even on the most trifling subjects. In a word the assembly were convinced of their being cheats, and even suspected them of being spies. They ordered them a bag of Indian corn apiece, and appointed a guide to conduct them to the frontiers. But the missionaries having more zeal than discretion refused to quit the vineyard. They persisted in saying mass, in preaching, baptising, and squabbling with the conjurers or priests of the country, till they had thrown the whole community into confusion. Then the assembly proceeded to try them as impious imposters, who represented the Almighty as a trifling, weak, capricious being, and pretended to make, unmake, and reproduce him at pleasure. They were therefore convicted of blasphemy and sedition, and condemned to the stake, where they died singing salveregina in a rapture of joy for the crown of martyrdom which they had thus obtained. In the course of this conversation, Lieutenant Lismahego dropped some hints by which it appeared he himself was a free thinker. Our aunt seemed to be startled at certain sarcasms he threw out against the creed of Saint Athanasius. He dwelt much upon the words reason, philosophy, and contradiction in terms. He bid defiance to the eternity of Hellfire, and even through such squibs at the immortality of the soul, as singed a little the whiskers of Mistress Tabitha's faith. For by this time she began to look upon Lismahego as a prodigy of learning and sagacity. In short he could be no longer insensible to the advances she made towards his affection, and although there was something repulsive in his nature he overcame it so far as to make some return to her civilities. Perhaps he thought it would be no bad scheme in a superannuated lieutenant on half pay to effect a conjunction with an old maid, who in all probability had fortune enough to keep him easy and comfortable in the fag end of his days. An ogling correspondence forthwith commenced between this amiable pair of originals. He began to sweeten the natural acidity of his discourse with the treacle of compliment and commendation. He from time to time offered her snuff, of which he himself took great quantities, and even made her a present of a purse of silk-grass woven by the hands of the amiable squink in Acusta, who had used it as a shot-pouch in her hunting expeditions. From Doncaster northwards all the windows of all the inns are scrawled with doggerel rhymes in abuse of the Scotch nation, and what surprised me very much I did not perceive one line written in the way of recrimination. Curious to hear what Lizmahagor would say on this subject, I pointed out to him a very scurrilous epigram against his countryman, which was engraved on one of the windows of the parlour where we sat. He read it with the most starched composure, and when I asked his opinion of the poetry, it is very terse and very poignant, said he, but with the help of a wet dish-clout it might be rendered more clear and perspicuous. I marvel much that some modern wit has not published a collection of these essays under the title of the Gleasier's triumph over Sonny the Scotch. I'm persuaded it would be a very agreeable offering to the patriots of London and Westminster. When I expressed some surprise that the natives of Scotland who travelled this way had not broke all the windows upon the road, with submission, replied the lieutenant, that were but shallow policy. It would only serve to make the satire more cutting and severe. I think it is much better to let it stand in the window than have it presented in the reckoning. My uncle's jaws began to quiver with indignation. He said the scribblers of such infamous stuff deserved to be scourged at the cart's tail for disgracing their country with such monuments of malice and stupidity. These vermin, he said, do not consider that they are affording their fellow subjects whom they abuse, continual matter of self-gradulation, as well as the means of executing the most manly vengeance that can be taken for such low illiberal attacks. For my part I admire the philosophic forbearance of the Scots, as much as I despise the insolence of those wretched libelous, which is akin to the arrogance of the village cock, who never crows but upon his own dung-hill. The captain with an affectation of candour observed that men of illiberal minds were produced in every soil, and that in supposing those were the sentiments of the English in general he should pay to greater compliment to his own country, which was not of consequence enough to attract the envy of such a flourishing and powerful people. Mistress Tabby broke forth again in praise of his moderation, and declared that Scotland was the soil which produced every virtue under heaven. When Liz Mahago took his leave for the night, she asked her brother if the captain were not the prettiest gentleman he had ever seen, and whether there was not something wonderfully engaging in his aspect. Mr. Bramble, having eyed her some time in silence, sister, said he, the lieutenant is, for ought I know, an honest man and a good officer. He has a considerable share of understanding and a title to more encouragement than he seems to have met with in life, but I cannot with a safe conscience affirm that he is the prettiest gentleman I ever saw. Neither can I discern any engaging charm in his countenance, which I vow to God, is on the contrary, very hard-favoured and forbidding. I have endeavoured to ingratiate myself with this North Britain, who is really a curiosity, but he has been very shy of my conversation ever since I laughed at his asserting that the English tongue was spoke with more propriety at Edinburgh than at London. Looking at me with a double squeeze of souring in his aspect, if the old definition be true, said he, that resability as the distinguishing characteristic of a rational creature, the English are the most distinguished for rationality of any people I ever knew. I owned that the English were easily struck with anything that appeared ludicrous and apt to laugh accordingly, but it did not follow that because they were more given to laughter, they had more rationality than their neighbours. I said such an inference would be an injury to the Scots, who were by no means defective in rationality, though generally supposed little subject to the impressions of humour. The captain answered that this supposition must have been deduced either from their conversation or their compositions, of which the English could not possibly judge with precision, as they did not understand the dialect used by the Scots in common discourse, as well as in their works of humour. When I desired to know what those works of humour were, he mentioned a considerable number of pieces, which he insisted were equal in point of humour to anything extant in any language dead or living. He in particular recommended a collection of detached poems in two small volumes, entitled The Evergreen and the works of Alan Ramsay, whom I intend to provide myself with at Edinburgh. He observed that a North Britain is seen to a disadvantage in an English company, because he speaks in a dialect that they can't relish, and in a phraseology which they don't understand. He therefore finds himself under a restraint which is a great enemy to wit and humour. These are faculties which never appear in full luster, but when the mind is perfectly at ease, and as an excellent writer says, enjoys her elbow-room. He proceeded to explain his assertion that the English language was spoken with greater propriety at Edinburgh than in London. He said what we generally called the Scottish dialect was in fact true, genuine old English, with a mixture of some French terms and idioms adopted in a long intercourse betwixt the French and Scottish nations. That the modern English, from affectation and false refinement, had weakened and even corrupted their language by throwing out the guttural sounds, altering the pronunciation and the quantity, and disusing many words and terms of great significance. In consequence of these innovations, the works of our best poets, such as Chaucer, Spenser, and even Shakespeare, where become in many parts unintelligible to the natives of South Britain, whereas the Scots, who retain the ancient language, understand them without the help of a glossary. For instance, said he, how have your commentators been puzzled by the following expression in the tempest? He's gentle and not fearful, as if it was a parallelogism to say that being gentle he must of course be courageous. But the truth is, one of the original meanings, if not the sole meaning of that word, was noble, high-minded, and to this day a scotch woman in the situation of the young lady in the tempest would express herself nearly in the same terms. Don't provoke him, for being gentle, that is high-spirited, he won't tamely bear an insult. Spenser, in the very first stanza of his fairy queen, says a gentle night was precking on the plain, which night, far from being tame and fearful, was so stout that nothing did he dread but ever was idrade. To prove that we had impaired the energy of our language by false refinement he mentioned the following words, which though widely different in signification are pronounced exactly in the same manner. Right, W-R-I-G-H-T, right, W-R-I-T-E, right, R-I-G-H-T, right, R-I-T-E. But among the scots these words are as different in pronunciation as they are in meaning and orthography, and this is the case with many others which he mentioned by way of illustration. He, moreover, took notice that we had, for what reason he could never learn, altered the sound of our vowels from that which is retained by all the nations in Europe, an alteration which rendered the language extremely difficult to foreigners, and made it almost impracticable to lay down general rules for orthography and pronunciation. Besides, the vowels were no longer simple sounds in the mouth of an Englishman, who pronounced both I and you as diphthongs. Finally he affirmed that we mumbled our speech with our lips and teeth, and ran the words together without pause or distinction in such a manner that a foreigner, though he understood English tolerably well, was often obliged to have recourse to a Scotchman to explain what a native of England had said in his own language. The truth of this remark was confirmed by Mr. Bramble from his own experience, but he accounted for it on another principle. He said the same observation would hold in all languages that a Swiss talking French was more easily understood than a Parisian, by a foreigner who had not made himself master of the language, because every language had its peculiar recitative, and it would always require more pains, attention and practice to acquire both the words and the music than to learn the words only. And yet nobody would deny that the one was imperfect without the other. He therefore apprehended that the Scotchmen and the Swiss were better understood by learners, because they spoke the words only without the music, which they could not rehearse. One would imagine this Czech might have damped the North Britain, but it served only to agitate his humour for disputation. He said if every nation had its own recitative or music the Scots had theirs, and the Scotsmen who had not yet acquired the cadence of the English would naturally use his own in speaking their language. Therefore, if he was better understood than the native, his recitative must be more intelligible than that of the English. Of consequence the dialect of the Scots had an advantage over that of their fellow subjects, and this was another strong presumption that the modern English had corrupted their language in the article of pronunciation. The Lieutenant was, by this time, become so polemical that every time he opened his mouth out flew a paradox which he maintained with all the enthusiasm of altercation, but all his paradoxes favoured strong of a partiality for his own country. He undertook to prove that poverty was a blessing to a nation, that oatmeal was preferable to wheat flour, and that the worship of cloakina in temples which admitted both sexes and every rank of votaries promiscuously was a filthy species of idolatry that outraged every idea of delicacy and decorum. I did not so much wonder at his broaching these doctrines as at the arguments equally whimsical and ingenious which he adduced in support of them. In fine, Lieutenant Liz Mahago is a curiosity which I have not yet sufficiently perused, and therefore I shall be sorry when we lose his company, though God knows there is nothing very amiable in his manner or disposition. As he goes directly to the south-west division of Scotland, and we proceed in the road to Berwick, we shall part tomorrow at a place called Felton Bridge, and I dare say this separation will be very grievous to our aunt Mistress Tabitha, unless she has received some flattering assurance of his meeting her again. If I fail in my purpose of entertaining you with these unimportant occurrences, they will at least serve as exercises of patience, for which you are indebted to yours always, J. Melford. Morpeth, July 13th. To Dr. Lewis. Dear Doctor, I have now reached the northern extremity of England and see close to my chamber window the tweed gliding through the arches of that bridge which connects this suburb to the town of Berwick. Yorkshire you have seen, and therefore I shall say nothing of that opulent province, the city of Durham appears like a confused heap of stones and brick accumulated so as to cover a mountain round which a river winds its brawling course. The streets are generally narrow, dark, and unpleasant, and many of them almost impassable in consequence of their declivity. The cathedral is a huge gloomy pile, but the clergy are well lodged. The bishop lives in a princely manner, the golden prevens keep plentiful tables, and I am told there is some good sociable company in the place, but the country, when viewed from the top of Gateshead fell, which extends to Newcastle, exhibits the highest scene of cultivation that ever I beheld. As for Newcastle, it lies mostly in a bottom on the banks of the Tine, and makes an appearance still more disagreeable than that of Durham. But it is rendered populous and rich by industry and commerce, and the country lying on both sides of the river above the town yields a delightful prospect of agriculture and plantation. Morpeth and Olmwick are neat, pretty towns, and this last is famous for the castle, which has belonged to so many ages to the noble house of Piercy, Earl's of Northumberland. It is doubtless a large edifice containing a great number of apartments and stands in a commanding situation, but the strength of it seems to have consisted not so much in its sight or the manner in which it is fortified as in the valor of its defendants. Our adventures since we left Scarborough are scarce worth reciting, and yet I must make you acquainted with my sister Tabby's progress in husband hunting after her disappointments at Bath in London. She had actually begun to practice upon a certain adventurer, who was in fact a high woman by profession, but he had been used to snare as much more dangerous than any she could lay and escaped accordingly. Then she opened her batteries upon an old weather-beaten Scotch Lieutenant called this mahogle who joined us at Durham and is, I think, one of the most singular personages I ever encountered. His manner is as harsh as his countenance, but his peculiar turn of thinking and his pack of knowledge made up of the remnants of rarities rendered his conversation desirable in spite of his pedantry and ungracious address. I have often met with a crab-apple in the heads which I have been tempted to eat for its flavor even while I was disgusted by its austerity. The spirit of contradiction is naturally so strong in this mahogle that I believe in my conscience he has rummaged and read and studied with indefatigable attention in order to qualify himself to refute established maxims and thus raise trophies for the gratification of polemical pride, such as the asperity of his self-conceit that he will not even acquiesce in a transient compliment made to his own individual in particular or to his country in general. When I observed that he must have read a vast number of books to be able to discourse on such a variety of subjects, he declared he had read little or nothing and asked how he should find books among the woods of America where he had spent the greatest part of his life. My nephew remarking that the Scots in general were famous for their learning, he denied the imputation and defied him to prove it from their works. The Scots said he have a slight tincture of letters with which they make a parade among people who are more illiterate than themselves, but they may be said to float on the surface of science and they have made very small advances in the useful arts. At least, cried Tabby, all the world allows that the Scots behave gloriously in fighting and conquering the savages of America. I can assure you, madam, you have been misinformed, replied the lieutenant. In that continent the Scots did nothing more than their duty, nor was there one corps in his majesty's service that distinguished itself more than another. Those who affected to extol the Scots for superior merit were no friends to that nation. Though he himself made free with his countrymen, he would not suffer any other person to glance a sarcasm at them with impunity. One of the company, chanceing to mention Lord Bees in glorious peace, the lieutenant immediately took up the cudgels in his lordship's favor and argued very strenuously to prove that it was the most honorable and advantageous piece that England had ever made since the foundation of the monarchy. Nay, between friends, he offered such reasons on this subject that I was really confounded, if not convinced. He would not allow that the Scots abounded above their proportion in the army and navy of Great Britain, or that the English had any reason to say his countrymen had met with extraordinary encouragement in the service. When a south and north Britain said he are competitors for a place or commission, which is in the disposal of an English minister or an English general, it would be absurd to suppose that the preference will not be given to the native of England who has so many advantages over his rival. First and foremost, he has in his favor that laudable partiality which, Mr. Addison says, never fails to cleave to the heart of an Englishman. Secondly, he has more powerful connections and a greater share of parliamentary interest, by which those contests are generally decided. And lastly, he has a greater command of money to smooth the way to his success. For my own part, said he, I know no Scots officer who has risen in the army above the rank of a subaltern without purchasing every degree of preferment, either with money or recruits. But I know many gentlemen of that country who, for want of money and interest, have grown gray in the rank of lieutenants, whereas very few instances of this ill fortune are to be found among the natives of south Britain. Not that I would insinuate that my countrymen have the least reason to complain. Preferment in the service, like success in any other branch of traffic, will naturally favor those who have the greatest stock of cash and credit, merit and capacity being supposed equal on all sides. But the most hearty of all this originals positions were these. The commerce would sooner or later prove the ruin of every nation where it flourishes to any extent. That the parliament was the rotten part of the British constitution, that the liberty of the press was a national evil, and that the boasted institution of juries, as managed in England, was productive of shameful perjury and flagrant injustice. He observed that traffic was an enemy to all the liberal passions of the soul, founded on the thirst of lucre, assorted disposition to take advantage of the necessities of our fellow creatures. He affirmed the nature of commerce was such that it could not be fixed or perpetuated, but having flowed to a certain height would immediately begin to ebb, and so continue till the channels should be left almost dry. But there was no instance of the tides rising a second time to any considerable influx in the same nation. Meanwhile, the sudden affluence occasioned by trade forced to open all the sleuces of luxury and overflowed the land with every species of proflicacy and corruption. A total poverty of manners would ensue, and this must be attended with bankruptcy and ruin. He observed at the parliament that the practice of buying burrows and canvassing for votes was an avowed system of finality already established on the ruins of principle, integrity, faith, and good order, in consequence of which the elected and the elector, and in short the whole body of the people, were equally and universally contaminated and corrupted. He affirmed that of a parliament thus constituted, the crown would always have influence enough to secure a great majority in its dependence, from the great number of posts, places, and pensions it had to bestow. That such a parliament would, as it had already done, lengthen the term of its sitting and authority, whenever the prince should think it for his interest to continue the representatives, for without doubt they had the same right to protect their authority at infinitum, as they had to extend it from three to seven years. With a parliament therefore dependent upon the crown, devoted to the prince and supported by a standing army, garbled and modeled for the purpose, any king of England may, and probably some ambitious sovereign will, totally overthrow all the bulwarks of the constitution. For it is not to be supposed that a prince of high spirit will tamely submit to be thwarted in all his measures, abused and insulted by a populace of unbridled ferocity, when he has it in his power to crush all opposition under his feet with the concurrence of the legislature. He said he should always consider the liberty of the press as a national evil, while it enabled the vilest reptile to soil the luster of the most shining merit, and furnish the most infamous incendiary with the means of disturbing the peace and destroying the good order of the community. He owned, however, that under due restrictions it would be a valuable privilege, but affirmed that at present there was no law in England sufficient to restrain it within proper bounds. With respect to juries, he expressed himself to this effect. Juries are generally composed of illiterate plebeians, act to be mistaken, easily misled and open to sinister influence. For if either of the parties to be tried can gain over one of the twelve jurors, he has secured the verdict in his favor. The jurymen, thus brought over will, in despite of all evidence and conviction, generally hold out till his fellows are fatigued and harassed and starved into concurrence. In which case the verdict is unjust and the jurors are all perjured. But cases will often occur when the jurors are really divided in opinion, and each side is convinced in opposition to the other. But no verdict will be received unless they are unanimous, and they are all bound, not only in conscience, but by oath, to judge and declare according to their conviction. What then will be the consequence? They must either starve in company, or one side must sacrifice their conscience to their convenience and join in a verdict which they believe to be false. This absurdity is avoided in Sweden where a bare majority is sufficient, and in Scotland where two-thirds of the jury are required to concur in the verdict. You must not imagine that all these deductions were made on his part without contradictions on mine. No, the truth is, I found myself peaked in point of honor at his pretending to be so much wiser than his neighbors. I questioned all his assertions, started innumerable objections, argued and wrangled with uncommon perseverance, and grew very warm and even violent in the debate. Sometimes it was puzzled, and once or twice I think fairly refuted. But from those falls he rose again like anteus with redoubled vigor, till at length I was tired, exhausted, and really did not know how to proceed, when, luckily, he dropped a hint by which he discovered he had been bred to the law. A confession which enabled me to retire from the dispute with a good grace, as it could not be supposed that a man like me who had been bred to nothing should be able to cope with a veteran in his own profession. I believe, however, that I shall for some time continue to chew the cut of reflection upon many observations which this original discharged. Whether our sister Tabby was really struck with this conversation, or is resolved to throw at everything she meets in the shape of a man, till she can fasten the matrimonial noose, certain it is she has taken desperate strides toward the affection of Lishmahago, who cannot be said to have met her halfway, though he does not seem altogether insensible to her civilities. She insinuated, more than once, how happy we should be to have his company through that part of Scotland which we propose to visit, till at length he plainly told us that his road was totally different from that which we intended to take. That for his part, his company would be a very little service to us in our progress, as he was utterly unequated with the country which he had left in his early youth. Consequently, he could neither direct us in our enquiries, nor introduce us to any family of distinction. He said he was stimulated by an irresistible impulse to revisit the patroness Lara, or patriot Domus, though he expected little satisfaction in as much as he understood that his nephew, the present possessor, was but ill-qualified to support the honor of the family. He assured us, however, as we designed to return by the west road, that he will watch our motions and endeavor to pay his respects to us at Dumfries. Accordingly, he took his leave of us at a place halfway betwixt Morpeth and Alnwick, and pranced away in great state, mounted on a tall, meager, raw-boned, shambling gray-gelding, without air or tooth in his head, the very counterpart of the rider, and indeed the appearance of the two was so picturesque that I would give twenty guineas to have them tolerably presented on canvas. Northumberland is a fine county, extending to the tweed, which is a pleasant pastoral stream, but you will be surprised when I tell you that the English side of the river is neither so well cultivated nor so populous as the other. The farms are thinly scattered, the lands unenclosed, and scarce a gentleman's seat is to be seen in some miles from the tweed, whereas the Scots are advanced in crowds to the very brink of the river, so that you may reckon above thirty good houses in the compass of a few miles, belonging to proprietors whose ancestors had fortified castles in the same situations. A circumstance that shoes what dangerous neighbors the Scots must have formerly been to the northern counties of England. Our domestic economy continues on the old footing. My sister Tavie still adheres to Methodism and had the benefit of a sermon at Wesley's meeting in Newcastle, but I believe the passion of love has, in some measure, abated the fervor of devotion both in her and her woman, Mrs. Jenkins, about whose good grace as there has been a violent contest betwixt my nephew's valet, Mr. Dutton, and my man, Humphrey Clinker. Jerry has been obliged to interpose his authority to keep the peace, and to him I have left the discussion of that important affair which had like to have kindled the flames of discord and the family of, yours always, Matt Bramble, Tweedmouth, July 15. End of Section 53 Section 54 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Giesen The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett Section 54 To Sir Watkin Phillips Baronet at Oxford Dear Wat, in my two last you had so much of Lismahego that I suppose you are glad he has gone off the stage for the present. I must now descend to domestic occurrences. Love, it seems, is resolved to assert his dominion over all the females of our family. After having practised upon poor Lydia's heart, and played strange vagaries with our Aunt Mistress Tabitha, he began to run riot in the affections of her woman, Mistress Winifred Jenkins, whom I have had occasion to mention more than once in the course of our memoirs. Nature intended Jenkins for something very different from the character of her mistress. Yet custom and habit have affected a wonderful resemblance betwixt them in many particulars. Win, to be sure, is much younger and more agreeable in her person. She is likewise tender-hearted and benevolent, qualities for which her mistress is by no means remarkable. No more than she is for being of a timorous disposition, and much subject to fits of the mother, which are the infirmities of Win's constitution. But then she seems to have adopted Mistress Tabitha's manner with her cast-clothes. She dresses and endeavours to look like her mistress, although her own looks are much more engaging. She enters into her scheme of economy, learns her phrases, repeats her remarks, imitates her style in scolding the inferior servants, and finally subscribes implicitly to her system of devotion. This indeed she found the more agreeable, as it was in a great measure introduced and confirmed by the Ministry of Klinka, with whose personal merit she seems to have been struck ever since he exhibited the pattern of his naked skin at Maubra. Nevertheless, though Humphrey has this double hank upon her inclinations, and exerted all his power to maintain the conquest he had made, he found it impossible to guard it on the side of vanity, where poor Win was as frail as any female in the kingdom. In short, my rascal Dutton professed himself her admirer, and by dint of his outlandish qualifications threw his rival Klinka out of the saddle of her heart. Humphrey may be compared to an English pudding composed of good wholesome flour and sweet, and Dutton to a syllabub or iced froth, which though agreeable to the taste, has nothing solid or substantial. The traitor not only dazzled her with his second-hand finery, but he formed and flattered and cringed. He taught her to take rapy, and presented her with a snuff-box of papier-mâché. He supplied her with a powder for her teeth. He mended her complexion, and he dressed her hair in the Paris fashion. He undertook to be her French master and her dancing master, as well as Friseur, and thus imperceptibly wound himself into her good graces. Klinka perceived the progress he had made, and repined in secret. He attempted to open her eyes in the way of exhortation, and finding it produced no effect, had recourse to prayer. At Newcastle, while he attended Mistress Tabby to the Methodist meeting, his rival accompanied Mistress Jenkins to the play. He was dressed in a silk coat made at Paris for his former master, with a tawdry waistcoat of tarnished brocade. He wore his hair in a great bag with a huge solitaire, and a longsword dangled from his thigh. The lady was all of a flutter with faded loot-string, washed gauze, and ribbons three times refreshed. But she was most remarkable for the Friseur of her head, which rose like a pyramid, seven inches above the scalp, and her face was primed and patched from the chin up to the eyes. Nay, the gallant himself had spared neither red nor white in improving the nature of his own complexion. In this attire they walked together through the high street to the theatre, and as they passed for players ready-dressed for acting they reached it unmolested. But as it was still light when they returned, and by that time the people had got information of their real character and condition, they hissed and hooted all the way, and Mistress Jenkins was all bespattered with dirt, as well as insulted with the approprious name of painted Jezebel, so that her fright and mortification threw her into an hysteric fit the moment she came home. Klinker was so incensed at Dutton, whom he considered as the cause of her disgrace, that he upbraided him severely for having turned the poor woman's brain. The other affected to treat him with contempt, and mistaking his fullbearance for want of courage threatened to horse-whip him into good manners. Humphrey then came to me, humbly begging I would give him leave to chastise my servant for his insolence. He has challenged me to fight him at sword's point, said he, but I might as well challenge him to make a horseshoe or a plow-iron, for I know no more of the one than he does of the other. Besides, it does not become servants to use those weapons or to claim the privilege of gentlemen to kill one another when they fall out. Moreover, I would not have his blood upon my conscience for ten thousand times the profit or satisfaction I should get by his death. But if your honour won't be angry, I'll engage the guian a good drubbing, that Mayhap will do in service, and I'll take care it shall do in no harm. I said I had no objection to what he proposed, provided he could manage matters so as not to be found the aggressor, in case Dutton should prosecute him for an assault and battery. Thus licensed he retired, and that same evening easily provoked his rival to strike the first blow, which Klinker returned with such interest that he was obliged to call for quarter, declaring at the same time that he would exact severe and bloody satisfaction the moment we should pass the border, when he could run him through the body without fear of the consequence. This scene passed in the presence of Lieutenant Lismahaggo, who encouraged Klinker to hazard a thrust of cold iron with his antagonist. "'Cold iron,' cried Humphrey, I shall never use against the life of any human creature, but I am so far from being afraid of his cold iron, that I shall use nothing in my defence but a good cudgel, which shall always be at his service.' In the meantime the fair cause of this contest, Mistress Winifred Jenkins, seemed overwhelmed with affliction, and Mr. Klinker acted much on the reserve, though he did not presume to find fault with her conduct. The dispute between the two rivals was soon brought to a very unexpected issue. Among our fellow lodgers at Berwick was a couple from London bound to Edinburgh on the voyage of Matrimony. The female was the daughter and heiress of a pawnbroker deceased, who had given her guardians the slip, and put herself under the tuition of a tall hibernian, who had conducted her thus far in quest of a clergyman to unite them in marriage, without the formalities required by the law of England. I knew not how the lover had behaved on the road, so as to decline in the favour of his enamorata. But in all probability, Dutton perceived a coldness on her side, which encouraged him to whisper, it was a pity she should have cast affections upon a tailor, which he affirmed the Irishman to be. This discovery completed her disgust, of which my man, taking the advantage, began to recommend himself to her good graces, and the smooth-tongued rascal found no difficulty to insinuate himself into the place of her heart, from which the other had been discarded. Their resolution was immediately taken. In the morning, before day, while poor Teague lay snoring a bed, his indefatigable rival ordered a post-shares and set out with the lady for cold-stream, a few miles up the tweed, where there was a parson who dealt in this branch of commerce, and there they were noosed before the Irishman ever dreamt of the matter. But when he got up at six o'clock and found the bird was flown, he made such a noise as alarmed the whole house. One of the first persons he encountered was the postillian returned from cold-stream, where he had been witness to the marriage, and over an above and handsome gratuity had received a bride's favour which he now wore in his cap. When the forsaken lover understood they were actually married and set out for London, and that Dutton had discovered to the lady that he, the hibernian, was a tailor, he had liked to have run distracted. He tore the ribbon from the fellow's cap and beat it about his ears. He swore he would pursue him to the gates of hell, and ordered a post-shares and four to be got ready as soon as possible. But recollecting that his finances would not admit of this way of travelling, he was obliged to countermand this order. For my part I knew nothing at all of what had happened, till the postillian brought me the keys of my trunk and portmanteau, which he had received from Dutton, who sent me his respects, hoping I would excuse him for his abrupt departure, as it was a step upon which his fortune depended. Before I had time to make my uncle acquainted with this event, the Irishman burst into my chamber, without any introduction, exclaiming, Boy, my soul, your servant has robbed me of five thousand pounds, and I'll have satisfaction if I should be hanged to Mora. When I asked him who he was, my name, said he, is Master Maclochlan, but it should be Lechlin O'Neol, for I am come from Tyrone the Great, and so I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland. And that rogue, your servant, said I was a tailor, which is as big a lie as if he had called me the Pope. I'm a man of fortune, and have spent all I had, and so being in distress, Mr. Coshgrave, the fashioner in Shuffock Street, took me out, and made me his own private secretary. By the same token, I was the last he bailed, for his friends obliged him to tie himself up, that he would bail no more above ten pounds. For why, because is how, he could not refuse any body that asked, and therefore in time, would have robbed himself of his whole fortune, and if he had lived longer that rate, must have died bankrupt very soon. And so I made my addresses to Miss Skinner, a young lady of five thousand pounds fortune, who agreed to take me for better nor worse, and to be sure this day would have put me in possession, if it had not been for that rogue, your servant, who came like a thief, and stole away my property, and made her believe I was a tailor, that she was going to marry the ninth part of a man. But the devil borne my soul, if ever I catch him on the mountains of Tulloch o' Bagley, if I don't show him that I'm nine times as good a man as he, or ere a bug of his country. When he had wrung out his first alarm, I told him I was sorry he had allowed himself to be so chocked, but it was no business of mine, and that the fellow who robbed him of his bride had likewise robbed me of my servant. Didn't I tell you then? cried he, that rogue was his true Christian name. O if I had but one fair trust with him upon the sort, I'd give him live to brag all the rest of his life. My uncle hearing the noise came in, and being informed of this adventure, began to comfort Mr. O'Neill for the lady's elopement, observing that he seemed to have had a lucky escape, that it was better she should elope before than after marriage. The hibernian was of a very different opinion. He said, if he had been once married, she might have eloped as soon as she pleased. He would have taken care that she should not have carried her fortune along with her. Ah, said he, she's a Judas Iscariot, and has betrayed me with a kiss, and like Judas she carried the bag, and has not left me money enough to bear my expenses back to London. And so I've come to this pass, and the rogue that was the occasion of it has left you without a servant, and you may put me in his place, and by Jesus it is the best thing you can do. I begged to be excused, declaring I could put up with any inconvenience, rather than treat as a footman the descendant of Tyrone the Great. I advised him to return to his friend Mr. Cosgrave, and take his passage from Newcastle by sea, towards which I made him a small present, and he retired, seemingly resigned to his evil fortune. I have taken upon trial a Scotchman called Archie Macalpin, an old soldier, whose last master, a colonel, lately died at Berwick. The fellow is old and withered, but he has been recommended to me for his fidelity by Mrs. Humphries, a very good sort of a woman who keeps the inn at Tweedmouth, and is much respected by all the travellers on this road. Plinker, without doubt, thinks himself happy in the removal of a dangerous rival, and he is too good a Christian to repine at Dutton's success. Even Mistress Jenkins will have reason to congratulate herself upon this event, when she coolly reflects upon the matter. For, howsoever, she was forced from her poise for a season by snares laid for her vanity. Humphries is certainly the North Star to which the needle of her affection would have pointed at the long run. At present the same vanity is exceedingly mortified upon finding herself abandoned by her new admirer in favour of another in Amorata. She received the news with a violent burst of laughter, which soon brought on a fit of crying, and this gave the finishing blow to the patience of her mistress, which had held out beyond all expectation. She now opened all those floodgates of reprehension which had been shut so long. She not only reproached her with her levity and indiscretion, but attacked her on the score of religion, declaring roundly that she was in a state of apostasy and reprobation, and finally threatened to send her a packing at this extremity of the kingdom. All the family interceded for poor Winifred, not even accepting her slighted swain, Mr. Clinker, who on his knees implored and obtained her pardon. There was, however, another consideration that gave Mistress Tabitha some disturbance. At Newcastle the servants had been informed by some wag that there was nothing to eat in Scotland but oatmeal and sheep's heads, and Lieutenant Lismehaego being consulted what he said served rather to confirm than to refute the report. Our aunt, being apprised of this circumstance, very gravely advised her brother to provide a sump to horse with store of hams, tongues, bread, biscuit, and other articles for our subsistence in the course of our peregrination, and Mr. Bramble as gravely replied that he would take the hint into consideration. But finding no such provision was made, she now revived the proposal, observing that there was a tolerable market at Berwick where we might be supplied, and that my man's horse would serve as a beast of burden. The squire shrugging his shoulders eyed her escance with a look of ineffable contempt, and after some pause, Sister, said he, I can hardly persuade myself you are serious. She was so little acquainted with the geography of the island that she imagined we could not go to Scotland but by sea, and after we had passed through the town of Berwick, when we told her we were upon Scottish ground, she could hardly believe the assertion. If the truth must be told, the South Britons in general are woefully ignorant in this particular. What between want of curiosity and traditional sarcasms, the effect of ancient animosity, the people at the other end of the island know as little of Scotland as of Japan. If I had never been in Wales, I should have been more struck with the manifest difference in appearance betwixt the peasants and commonality on different sides of the tweed. The boers of Northumberland are lusty fellows, fresh complexion, cleanly and well clothed. But the labourers in Scotland are generally lank, lean, hard-featured, sallow, soiled and shabby, and their little pinched blue caps have a beggly effect. The cattle are much in the same style with their drivers, meagre, stunted and ill-equipped. When I talked to my uncle on this subject, he said, though all the Scottish Heinz would not bear to be compared with those of the rich counties of South Britain, they would stand very well in competition with the peasants of France, Italy and Savoy, not to mention the mountaineers of Wales and the red shanks of Ireland. We entered Scotland by a frightful moor of sixteen miles, which promises very little for the interior parts of the kingdom, but the prospect mended as we advanced. Passing through Dunbar, which is a neat little town situated on the seaside, we lay at a country in, where our entertainment far exceeded our expectation. But for this we cannot give the Scots credit, as the landlord is a native of England. Yesterday we dined at Haddington, which has been a place of some consideration, but is now gone to decay. And in the evening arrived at this metropolis, of which I can say very little. It is very romantic, from its situation on the declivity of a hill, having a fortified castle at the top, and a royal palace at the bottom. The first thing that strikes the nose of a stranger shall be nameless. But what first strikes the eye is the unconscionable height of the houses, which generally rise to five, six, seven and eight stories, and in some places, as I am assured, to twelve. This manner of building, attended with numberless inconveniences, must have been originally owing to want of room. Certain it is, the town seems to be full of people, but their looks, their language, their customs, are so different from ours that I can hardly believe myself in Great Britain. The inn at which we put up, if it may be so called, was so filthy and disagreeable in all respects, that my uncle began to fret, and his gouty symptoms to recur. Recollecting, however, that he had a letter of recommendation to one Mr. Michelson, a lawyer, he sent it by his servant, with a compliment, importing that we would wait upon him next day in person. But that gentleman visited us immediately, and insisted upon our going to his own house, until he could provide lodgings for our accommodation. We gladly accepted of his invitation, and repaired to his house, where we were treated with equal elegance and hospitality, to the utter confusion of our aunt, whose prejudices, though beginning to give way, were not yet entirely removed. Today, by the assistance of our friend, we are settled in convenient lodgings. Up four pairs of stairs in the High Street, the fourth story being in this city, reckoned more genteel than the first. The air is, in all probability, the better, but it requires good lungs to breathe it at this distance above the surface of the earth. While I do remain above it, whether higher or lower, provided I breathe at all, I shall ever be, dear Phillips, yours, J. Melford. July 18. End of Section 54. Section 55 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. According by Deborah Lynn, the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett, Section 55, to Dr. Lewis. Dear Lewis, that part of Scotland contiguous to Burke, nature seems to have intended as a barrier between two hostile nations. It is a brown desert of considerable extent that produces nothing but heath and fern, and what rendered it the more dreary when we passed. There was a thick fog that hindered us from seeing above twenty yards from the carriage. My sister began to make rye faces and use her smelling bottle. Liddy looked blank, and Mrs. Jenkins dejected. But in a few hours these clouds were dissipated, the sea appeared upon our right, and on the left the mountains retired a little, leaving an agreeable plain betwixt them and the beach. But what surprised us all, this plain, to the extent of several miles, was covered with as fine wheat as ever I saw in the most fertile parts of South Britain. This plentiful crop is raised in the open field without any enclosure or other manure than the algae marina or seaweed which abounds on this coast. A circumstance which shows that the soil and climate are favourable, but that agriculture in this country is not yet brought to that perfection which it has attained in England. Enclosures would not only keep the grounds warm and the several fields distinct, but would also protect the crop from the high winds which are so frequent in this part of the island. Dunbar is well situated for trade and has a curious basin where ships of small burden may be perfectly secure, but there is little appearance of business in the place. From thence all the way to Edinburgh there is a continual succession of fine seats belonging to noblemen and gentlemen, and as each is surrounded by its own parks and plantation, they produce a very pleasing effect in a country which lies otherwise open and exposed. At Dunbar there is a noble park with a lodge belonging to the Duke of Roxburgh where Oliver Cromwell had his headquarters when Leslie, at the head of a Scotch army, took possession of the mountains in the neighborhood and hampered him in such a manner that he would have been obliged to embark and get away by sea had not the fanaticism of the enemy forfeited the advantage which they had obtained by their generals' conduct. Their ministers by exhortation, prayer, assurance, and prophecy instigated them to go down and slay the Philistines in Gogol, and they quitted their ground accordingly, notwithstanding all that Leslie could do to restrain the madness of their enthusiasm. When Oliver saw them in motion, he exclaimed, Praised be the Lord, he hath delivered them into the hands of his servant, and ordered his troops to sing a psalm of thanksgiving, while they advanced in order to the plain where the Scots were routed with great slaughter. In the neighborhood of Haddington there is a gentleman's house, in the building of which, and the improvements about it, he is said to have expended forty thousand pounds, but I cannot say I was much pleased with either the architecture or the situation, though it has in front a pastoral stream, the banks of which are laid out in a very agreeable manner. I intended to pay my respects to Lord Ella Bank, whom I had the honor to know at London many years ago. He lives in this part of Lothian, but was gone to the North on a visit. You have often heard me mention this nobleman, whom I have long revered for his humanity and universal intelligence, over and above the entertainment arising from originality of his character. At Musselborough, however, I had the good fortune to drink tea with my old friend, Mr. Cardnell, and at his house I met with Dr. C., the parson of the parish, whose humor and conversation inflamed me with the desire of being better acquainted with his person. I am not at all surprised that these Scots make their way in every quarter of the globe. This place is but four miles from Edinburgh, towards which we proceeded along the seashore, upon a firm bottom of smooth sand, which the tide had left uncovered in its retreat. Edinburgh, from this avenue, is not seen to much advantage. We had only an imperfect view of the castle and upper parts of the town, which varied incessantly according to the inflections of the road, and exhibited the appearance of detached spires and turrets belonging to some magnificent edifice and ruins. The Palace of Holy Roode House stands on the left as you enter the cannon gate. This is a street continued from hence to the gate called Nether Bowl, which is now taken away so that there is no interruption for a long mile, from the bottom to the top of the hill on which the castle stands in a most imperial situation. Considering its fine pavement, its width, and the lofty houses on each side, this would undoubtedly be one of the noblest streets in Europe if an ugly mass of mean buildings called the Luckin Booths had not thrust itself, but what accident I know not, into the middle of the way, like Middle Row and Holburn. The city stands upon two hills and the bottom between them, and with all its defects may very well pass for the capital of a moderate kingdom. It is full of people, and continually resounds with the noise of coaches and other carriages, for luxury as well as commerce. As far as I can perceive, here is no want of provisions. The beef and mutton are as delicate here as in Wales. The sea affords plenty of good fish, the bread is remarkably fine, and the water is excellent, though I am afraid not, in sufficient quantity, to answer all the purposes of cleanliness and convenience. Articles in which, it must be allowed, our fellow subjects are a little defective. The water is brought in leaden pipes from a mountain in the neighborhood to a cistern on the Castle Hill from once it is distributed to public conduits in different parts of the city. From these, it is carried in barrels on the backs of male and female porters, up two, three, four, five, six, seven, and eight pairs of stairs for the use of particular families. Every story is a complete house, occupied by a separate family, and the stair being common to them all is generally left in a very filthy condition. A man must tread with great circumspection to get safe housed with unpolluted shoes. Nothing can form a stronger contrast than the difference betwixt the outside and inside of the door. For the good women of this metropolis are remarkably nice in the ornaments and propriety of their apartments, as if they were resolved to transfer the imputation from the individual to the public. You are no stranger to their method of discharging all their impurities from their windows at a certain hour of the night, as the custom is in Spain, Portugal, and some parts of France and Italy. A practice to which I can by no means be reconciled, for notwithstanding all the care that is taken by their scavengers to remove this nuisance every morning by break of day, enough still remains to offend the eyes as well as other organs of those whom use is not hardened against all delicacy of sensation. The inhabitants seem insensible to these impressions, and are apt to imagine the disgust that we avow is little better than affectation. But they ought to have some compassion for strangers who have not been used to this kind of sufferance and consider whether it may not be worthwhile to take some pains to vindicate themselves from the reproach that on this account they bear among their neighbors. As to the surprising height of their houses, it is absurd in many respects, but in one particular light I cannot view it without horror. That is, the dreadful situation of all the families above, in case the common staircase should be rendered impassable by a fire in the lower stories. In order to prevent the shocking consequences that must attend such an accident, it would be a right measure to open doors of communication from one house to another on every story, by which the people might fly from such a terrible visitation. In all parts of the world we see the force of habit prevailing over all the dictates of convenience and sagacity. All the people of business at Edinburgh, and even the Gentile Company, may be seen standing in crowds every day from one to two in the afternoon in the open street, at a place where formerly stood a market cross, which by the by was a curious piece of Gothic architecture still to be seen in Lord Somerville's garden in this neighborhood. I say the people stand in the open street from the force of custom, rather than move a few yards to an exchange that stands empty on one side, or to the parliament close on the other, which is a noble square adorned with a fine equestrian statue of King Charles II. The company thus assembled are entertained with a variety of tunes played upon a set of bells fixed in a steeple hard by. As these bells are well toned, and the musician who has a salary from the city for playing upon them with keys is no bad performer, the entertainment is really agreeable and very striking to the ears of a stranger. The public inns of Edinburgh are still worse than those of London, but by means of a worthy gentleman, to whom I was recommended, we have got decent lodgings in the house of a widow gentlewoman of the name of Lockhart. And here I shall stay until I have seen everything that is remarkable in and about this capital. I now begin to feel the good effects of exercise. I eat like a farmer, sleep from midnight till eight in the morning without interruption, and enjoy a constant tide of spirits, equally distant from intonation and excess. But whatever ebbs or flows my constitution may undergo, my heart will still declare that I am, dear Louis, your affectionate friend and servant, Matt Bramble, EDR, July 18. End of Section 55. Section 56 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 56. To Mrs. Mary Jones at Brambleton Hall. Dear Mary, the squire has been so kind as to wrap my bit of nonsense under the kiver of his own sheet. Oh, Mary Jones, Mary Jones, I have had trials and trembulation. God help me. I have been a vixen and a griffin these many days. Satan has had power to tempt me in the shape of Van Diden, the young squire's Wally de Chambel. But by God's grace he did not prevail. I thought as how there was no arm in going to a play at Newcastle, with my hair dressed in the parish fashion. And as for the trifle of paint, he said as how my complexion wanted touch, and so I let him put it on with a little Spanish owl. But a mischievous mob of colliers and such promiscuous ribble-rabble that could bear no smut but their own attacked us in the street, and called me a whore and painted Isabelle, and splashed my clothes, and spoiled me a complete set of blonde lace triple ruffles, not a pin the worse for the wear. They cost me good seven sillings to Lady Grisken's woman at London. When I asked Mr. Clinker what they meant by calling me Isabelle, he put the Bible into my hand, and I read of Van Isabelle a painted harlot that was thrown out of a vindor, and the dogs came and licked her blood. But I am no harlot, and, with God's blessing, no dog shall have my poor blood to lick. Mary, heaven forbid, amen. As for Ditten, after all his courting and his compliment, he stole away in Irishman's bride, and took a French leave of me and his master. But I valley not his going a farting, but I have had hanger on his account. Mistress scolded like mad, though I have the comfort that all the family took my part, and even Mr. Clinker pleaded for me on his bended knee. Though, God, he knows, he had raisins enough to complain, but he is a good soul abounding with Christian meekness, and one day we'll meet with his reward. And now, dear Mary, we have got to Haddingborough, among the Scots, who are civil enough for our money, though if I don't speak their lingo. But they should not go for to impose upon foreigners. For the bills in their houses, say, they have different easements to let. And behold, there is neurogeeks in the whole kingdom, nor anything for poor servants, but a barrel with a pair of tongues thrown across. And all the chairs in the family are emptied into this here barrel once a day, and at ten o'clock at night the whole cargo is flung out of a back window that looks into some street or lane, and the maids calls Gardie Lou to the passengers, which signifies Lord have mercy upon you. And this is done every night in every house in Haddingborough. So you may guess, Mary Jones, what a sweet saver comes from such a number of profuming pans. But they say it is wholesome, and truly I believe it is, for being in the vapors and thinking of Isabel and Mr. Clinker. I was going into a fit of asterisks, when this fifth, saving your presence, took me by the nose so powerfully that I sneezed three times and found myself wonderfully refreshed. And this, to be sure, is the reason why there are no fits in Haddingborough. I was likewise made believe that there was nothing to be had but oatmeal and seep's heads. But if I hadn't been a fool, I might have known there could be no heads without curcuses. This very blessed day I dined upon a delicate leg of Welsh mutton and cauliflower. And as for the oatmeal, I leave that to the servants of the country, which are poor drudges, many of them without shoes or stockings. Mr. Clinker tells me here is a great call of the Gospel, but I wish, I wish some of our family be not fallen off from the right way. Oh, if I was given to tail-bearing, I have my own secrets to discover. There has been a deal of huggling and flirtation betwixt mistress and an old scotch officer called Kiss-my-cago. He looks for all the world like a scarecrow that our gardener has set up to fright away the sparrows, and what will come of it, the Lord knows. But come what will, it shall never be said that I mentioned a syllabub of the matter. Remember me kindly to Saul and the kitten. I hope they got the hornbuck and will put it to good use, which is the constant prayer of, Dear Molly, your loving friend, Wyn Jenkins, Addingborough, July 18.