 Most people know, if we're honest with ourselves, most people know within the first few interactions, if they're talking to someone who's worth dealing with or not. It's just about whether or not you choose to ignore it. Listen, it's the message right here. Black boy tell me how you really feel. Cause I just want to build with you. Black girl tell me how you really feel. I want to keep it real with you. I want to live better, eat better. I want to love better, sleep better. Yeah, I want to feel so aligned. Alternate universe. You woke up tomorrow, you were mad. What kind of man would you be? And then give me as much detail as you can. I'd probably be a square, honestly. I'd be like, super nice and kind. I'd probably read Harry Potter. I feel like I'd be like a guy version of me, but with guy, with man conditioning. What does that look like? It looks like, I feel like I'd be like a gentleman kind. I'd be the one that's like opening doors. And I'd be the one that's probably, the average person wouldn't look at me and think that I was like a masculine man because I don't think that I'd be like aggressive or whatever. But I still think that I'd be like a protector type. But yeah, I think I'd be like a nerd boy mixed with like athlete, mixed with like the Sweetie Pie family person kind of situation. So right now a lot of, I talk to younger boys and they say that that archetype of dude does not have success with girls. He doesn't necessarily win unless he's like super duper attractive. So like, why is the version of man that some women often describe not what they gravitate to most of the time? So I know for me, it took me a lot of growing and learning before I started gravitating towards that kind of dude because I was used to, my dad, this is maybe going to be really bad, but he's probably never going to watch this. So my dad is kind of like that, like center of attention, life of the party, super charismatic, like can pull any girl he wants kind of dude. And I think that's just what I was attracted to because that's who my dad was. And that's how I thought that men were supposed to be. And I got older and I started learning that my dad was really not the kind of man that I wanted to date at all. I really wouldn't recommend anybody dating him, but he is married currently, so I hope they are doing well. But so I started trying to, I started figuring out what mindset changes I really need to make in order to have the kind of relationship I actually desire to have. So, you know, we've had conversations about the rift in the black community between black men and black women. First of all, do you think there is a rift? Do you think there's a communication divide? There is a gap, there's a chasm, whatever the case may be. And like what is your take? How do you think about it? Yes, I do think there is a rift. When you say what's my take, what do I think about it? What do you mean? What do you think is the beginning? How do you think we should be having the conversation? Do you think we're doing it wrong? Do you think we're missing something? Do you think we're framing it the wrong way? Like what is your overall philosophy on that? Empathy. Same more. I think if as much as we can in conversations with each other, our goal is to empathize with and understand the other person and to not take it personally as we're listening, that will go a long way in terms of our communication because I think that, one, it's hard to understand the other opposite sex's experience, especially when you understand your experience and how the opposite sex has impacted your experience. And two, it's hard not to be triggered when someone's talking about their experience with the opposite sex. So when I know that I've been through a bunch of shit with black men and then here's a black man telling me the things that they've been through with black women, well, if I'm not being empathetic and if I'm not making sure not to take things personally, then my automatic reflex is to defend. And I don't think that that's productive in these conversations. What is one thing, a few things you think black men are missing when we enter into conversation with black women? One thing you're missing. Or doing wrong. Or approaching, is there an approach that we are taking that is ineffective? What is one thing you wish we knew or understood? One thing that I wish y'all knew or understood, I would say, this is maybe going to sound weird, but I would say I wish that y'all understood from the beginning of the conversation that we love y'all and we want y'all and we do need y'all and we know that we need y'all but we're scared to love and want and need y'all. And so a lot of times I feel like the response that we have is one of fear. It's one of like, to some degree, trying to maintain distance so that we're not hurt again. And I feel like if y'all understood that a lot of times we're coming from a place of being hurt and wounded, then you might take certain things less personal as well and understand that it's not that we want to be against you. It's that figuring, it's that we're scared. It's that we're scared to be on the same page and to be on the same team for fear of, I would say getting hurt again. Because a lot of black women have gotten hurt by black men. And I think that the same is true, the other way around a lot of black men have gotten hurt by black women. And I feel like there's a lot of pain and fear on both sides. How do, as black men are entering into dialogue with black women with our own pain, how do we navigate that? Like in your opinion, what is the best way for, and so like now I understand that you are afraid to want me because you're afraid I might let you down, right? How do I navigate that with my own baggage and my own trauma in 09 to bridge that gap and get through that hard layer of, you know, I don't need nobody. Yeah, honestly, with certain women there's going to be nothing that you can do. I think that both parties need to heal as much as they can on their own. And then when those conversations are had, if we can have them in love, like have them with love, assume positive intent, again, not to take things personally, have empathy. I think there are going to be some conversations where this is a conversation that we're having about black men and their experiences. And so we're going to focus on black men and their experiences and we're not going to bring up black women in our experiences right now because this is what this focus is currently. And then I think there are other conversations where it's like this is a conversation that's focused on black women. We're not going to bring up the struggles of black men right now because this conversation is focused on black women. And I think that gives each party an opportunity to feel listened to and understood while also giving them an opportunity to listen and understand. I think a lot of times what I see is that men are trying to share their experiences and women are trying to share their experiences as well. Like we're both trying to share our experiences over top of each other and it's like oppression Olympics. Like, oh, will you experience this? Well, I experienced that. Will you experience that? Well, I experienced that and it's like, okay, it's not really productive conversation. No one's feeling like they're being heard and understood. And until people feel like they're being heard and understood, they can't really hear or understand anybody else. In the beginning you mentioned some people are just like not going to be receptive and it doesn't. It's not going to work. How do you make that distinction? What do you think are some telltale signs maybe that you view as even in friendships, right? To distinguish the type of person who is, they might still have like an outer shell, but they are willing to, they are hungry for a breakthrough, pun intended. So you're asking how do you figure out if someone is worth the investment? How do you figure out if someone is worth the investment? I feel like you pay attention. Most people know if we're honest with ourselves, most people know within the first few interactions if they're talking to someone who's worth dealing with or not. It's just about whether or not you choose to ignore it. People's intuition is strong. Like, I can say every person that I've dated where it ended up not working out for ABC XYZ reason, I could point back to stuff in the beginning that where they showed me who they were, I just didn't choose to believe them essentially. So I feel like having conversations, having actual conversations, you know, so you can start to understand another person's mindset and pay attention in those conversations. Ask hard questions and ask important questions. Ask things that matter to you. See if you're on the same page to see how they respond, to see if they get triggered by certain things and how they handle being triggered. When they're triggered, do they lash out or when they're triggered do they have a conversation about it so that you can understand their trigger and y'all can work through that or whatever. Because triggers could be a moment of destruction or it could be a moment where you come together. So I think that conversations are really important. And that's why I think things like dates are important, like having different experiences with people are important, seeing how they interact with other people and in other spaces. I think it's just about being patient and observing the person that you are saying that you want to get to know. Part of what happens sometimes, and I'm pretty critical of it, some guys have a Superman mindset. They want to save. They want to rescue the damsel in distress. And those end up being the most damaged and hurt men in the end because they're the ones who get screwed over badly. What is your perspective on that men who... Will Smith. Men who might have seen the signs in the beginning, but there is a sense of because of me, she could be better. There is a beautiful person inside of her and hopefully through my positive example, hopefully through me modeling the version of men that she never saw, she would become the best version of her. What would you say to those men? I would say that's beautiful and I would say be realistic about it. I think that could happen. And I think that it does happen relatively often. People get into relationships with each other and they make each other better. The other person has to want to be better for one. The other person has to be working with you to be better. So if you see the sun, the moon and the stars in them and they can't even see a light bulb in themselves, then there's not. There's only so much that you're going to be able to do and I feel like you're going to deplete yourself doing it and you're going to come out of that relationship with a more broken person. And it's tough but sometimes the best thing and the most loving thing that you can do for another person and for yourself is to step away from that kind of situation even when you really care about them. Again, you can do it with love. It's going to suck for everybody involved but sometimes that is what it has to be. And some of it is just you're going to have to determine on your own who's worth the sacrifice because every relationship is going to come with sacrifices but there are some times where you can't... It's not your responsibility to make someone into the greatest version of themselves especially if they're not working to do it themselves. It's your responsibility to hold space for them as they're working through it. It's your responsibility to be there to be supportive of their journey to be a hug when they need it. You're there in a supporting role. You should not be the leading role in their healing journey. So I guess maybe that would be the biggest way to kind of determine do you stay or do you go. And if you're with someone and it is hurting you it is to your detriment. It is causing you pain. It is okay to walk away. I recommend it. In the vetting process, I feel like it's just that. It's vetting. I don't think that it should be this like grueling, painful thing when you're dating someone. Yeah, once you're in a long committed relationship, maybe you're married. That's when the challenges are going to come inevitably. Shit's going to get hard. But at that person, you have confidence in the person that you chose to be your partner because you've vetted them on the front end. So it's like vet people on the front end. Be a little bit of an asshole about it. Don't be an asshole to them. But don't compromise your standards and your boundaries for someone, especially you're not married to them yet. Why would you do that? Don't do that. Sometimes the best thing to do is just to leave. That's men and women, I would say.