 And going through life sort of being dismissed because of the way that your brain is the way that you operate and perceive things. You kind of get used to the fact that people are going to treat you negatively. And it's you sort of build up this this wall you you learn from you learn how to interact with people through these negative interactions. And I think a really important sort of step in my life was realizing that, hey, maybe this experience in teenagehood, this isn't representative of the entire human race, which sounds funny me saying this. But if you have been surrounded by these experiences and not really feeling that you fit in, you have this sort of warped view of what people are generally like. And so the first step to me, you know, realizing that I had these quite negative and defensive sort of personality traits was because I had a bias towards negative experiences, negative social experiences. And the point at which I was like, hmm, I don't know about this, but let me gather some more data. That's when I started to talk to more people. I started to actually like, yeah, exactly, they're going to approach it in the logical fashion. But I found I found some some assholes as as I expected, some people like people that I was with at school. But then also I found people like me. I also find the autistic community. I found people who are just genuinely nice, lovely people who wanted drama free, happy kind of friendship, connection, emotional connection that I really wanted. And if I wasn't able to look inside myself and notice that there was this bias, I wouldn't be able to do it. People come up, you know, people say a lot like, I hate neurotypicals, like why? Why do you hate neurotypicals? And it's it's usually because of that bias that they have such a bias and they build up these walls and these walls protect them. And they've they they act and they convince us that everyone's out to get us and that we're always a step away from having a hurtful comment or abuse or negative experiences. And really, we just need those. We need to balance out that bias with with reality. I tell you what, two of the biggest challenges I've faced in my life because of my autism. So the two that I would say were the first thing is, is that as neurodiverse people, we have this sort of obsession to justice of fairness and truth in particular, that thing truth. And I think looking back, had I have not held on to my principles as much and probably just let maybe some things go, I probably could have had an easier life. But it's I think it's an experience that's common to a lot of us. If something's not fair, like we will hold on to it forever until death. I think the biggest problem, the biggest challenge I've ever had was that as neurodiverse people, we are driven by truth of facts and evidence, right? Neurotypicals are driven by emotions and perceptions. And those emotions might be totally detached from reality. But however, they're true for them. That would frustrate me no end because I'm like, it's objectively true. Like I can show you, it's right there, it's in black and white. Why can't you see it? You can tell them the sky is blue and they'll still say it's green. And it was that theory of mind and just saying, OK, well, it might not be true in reality, but it's true for them. For example, in the work that I do, people come with all sorts of preconceptions and ideas on what they think is happening or whatever. And I think if you just if you use truth in an injurious way, you just kind of smash people with it. Yeah, you might win an argument, but you're not going to get them on side. You see this a lot in general media. So much like online spaces. Like, why can't they understand that rule? Stupid. I'm not doing it. And I'm like, yeah, well, you've got to get through the next five years of school. Maybe it might be worthwhile just taking the people used to say to me all the time I was a kid, take the path of least resistance. I could never understand what they mean, but now I get it. So pick your battles. So, for example, people, you know, will come and they believe this is happening. And it's kind of it's an art form being able to give them some facts in a way that's digestible for them and doesn't. Yeah. Scar there doesn't hurt their feelings. And they they still be on side. They'll still trust you enough to follow the advice that you give them. And I think that really is if I if I was to say in my profession, that is the know the master skill. I would say it's that being able to communicate and win people's trusts without, yeah, totally demolishing them with facts and truth. I think that there's there's a really important point there because for most people going through life, you know, that their perceptions are that their behaviors can be easily translatable to other people. Like if they if they cry, they're feeling a certain way. If they raise their voice, they're feeling a certain way. If they change their tone, they're feeling a certain way. But when you when you different when you when you have a neurodiversity, your perceptions, your thoughts, your feelings, they're different. And so in some ways, you know, when I was younger, if someone wronged me, you know, perhaps they weren't actually in tending to wrong me. They would they just had a different idea of what was going on. And I think a really constructive thing for me was kind of going past. Because most of the time, if someone, if I felt someone was being disingenuous with me or they're being nasty, you know, and they were sort of stating things that just didn't make any sense. I would go, you know, you're just trying to be an asshole and you're just being bad and goodbye and close doors and shut down. Whereas, you know, as I'm getting older and understanding the differences between myself and someone who isn't autistic. It kind of kind of allowed me to to view the situation as just a crossed wires, like a situation where both people had good intentions, completely different conclusions were made just because of the differences that we have. And just just realizing the ways that, you know, I perhaps might have been biased and towards a certain feeling or thought in that situation, especially when it's an emotional issue and how they might be. And, you know, realizing the fact that, hey, actually, I didn't know much about their experience and what they were doing and how they were thinking. And likewise, they didn't as well. So it was kind of, it was a really sort of transformative thing for me to kind of go for and go like, actually, hey, look, I'm actually getting this wrong. And, you know, bridges that I burned, people that I shut down, people that I went away from, I got back in contact and some of them were, you know, rightfully so assholes. But other people, quite a large majority of people, they just got a different interpretation of the situation. They didn't understand how I sort of experienced life in terms of my emotions, my perceptions and my thoughts. And I didn't know how they did either. Good day, viewers and listeners. Apologies for my very rude introduction to our regularly scheduled broadcast. I just want to remind you that if you have enjoyed the podcast this far, please make sure to rate, subscribe, like, comment and share. All of these actions are pretty much the lifeblood of a small independent creator like myself. And it will help me get most of my work, more of my work, to people who really need it. If you want to stay up to date with my life, get behind the scenes content, check out my daily blogs, head over to the Instagram at Thomas Henley UK. You'll find a link to that down in the description alongside my range of neurodiversity clothing, just like this strong, powerful autistic hoodie that I love so much. And my website, of course, where you can find a contact email to book me for one-to-one autism coaching, interviews, workplace training and speaking. So thank you very much for listening to this very annoying self advert. And I hope you enjoy the rest of the show. Understanding and unpicking those strands where things sort of became miscommunicated was really important for me. Developing a sense that actually people aren't really much out to get me. I'm not just inherently pushed to the side and ignored. It's just I didn't really have any way of explaining my point in a way that they understood it. So you have that situation for a lot of people, especially if you don't have any autistic friends, autistic connections to kind of talk things through and really sort of understand those situations. But bridging those gaps and understanding that life isn't the same for me as it is for them and trying to figure out the points at which that is the differences are and trying to find some way to relate to each other about that. That was so important because I went from viewing everyone as hating me and I was lonely and nobody understood me to understanding, hey, there's been some issues here and it probably could have been addressed with a little bit more information from the people around me and also myself and sort of learning about it. And perhaps even them to understanding a bit more about how autistic people are and how they work. One of the best sayings I've ever heard is that the map doesn't match the territory. I know they mean that everybody has their own internal map of the world the way that they think it is and different people's maps don't always match up and it's having the skills to be able to meet halfway and find common ground. And I think you're very introspective and I think that's unusual. A lot of people who I mean they look at their behaviour and they'll make some justification for it or they'll look at it in a way as that they were wrong and I was right. I think you're honest and you look back at yourself and you look at what you could have done better and what you could have done worse. And life's a learning curve. It's important not to beat yourself up. You just did the best you could at that time and now you're in a different point and that's alright. It's just having that acceptance that we do the best we can. And I think also as well I think it's important not to throw the baby out with the bathwater because some people do have malevolent intentions towards you. It's absolutely true and it's naive not to think so. We live in a free market society where individualism and selfishness is rewarded. I think I've worked all over the world and particularly last year I was working and some of the norms and the way people treat each other I wasn't quite prepared for. It was different. And some of the things you come across they are they can be rude and it can be a power game. So I think it's important to be able to decipher between instances where somebody may have done something unintentionally which is 99% of the time. But then there are those instances where people do mean to it's a power game. And I think for autistic people in my experience in those instances it's best to check out because it will have a detrimental effect on your mental health and you know it's not good for us those kind of environments. So if you feel like you're in the presence of you know somebody that means you you know hasn't got the best intentions towards you just check out that. I think that's always better in my opinion. I had a great view. I went the opposite way as well. I thought that everyone was great and everyone had the best intentions. And that led me into some very precarious long-term damaging situations. So it's really you know I kind of had a the switch pull then I was like okay everything's not negative everyone's great. But also that was a really bad sort of mindset to have about it because you know the best results that I've had with people with life is to approach things with the best intentions and make it very clear to people why what intentions I have and how I am and be open with them. But then if they take advantage of something I try and understand it better. And if they're not amenable to also trying to understand it better you know what can you really do about that. And it happens multiple times and it keeps happening multiple times. That's not miscommunication. They understand you've explained yourself. So it's you are only responsible for your 50 percent Thomas. And I think that you're only responsible for what you do and what you don't do. And if you've come to a situation with the best of intentions and you've been honest and you've not concealed anything you've done your bit. I think one thing that I've noticed it's previously in myself but in some of my friends who are neurodiverse. There can be a social naivety inherent with us. And we think that everyone's our friend. And I've seen that play out that dynamic whereby you know I'm trying to explain some listen. So you get bullied. This this this and this is going on. And you kind of can't see it. And they still refuse to see that. And that can be tragic tragic sometimes. So I think it's just you know just approach everything with the best of intentions. But when you're in the presence of someone that might not have reciprocated his feelings towards you. It's just knowing when to check out to say God your own kind of mental health. I think it's all this was a lot of mileage in that. I think one common theme for for our talk is that everything's great. Yeah. We like to think that we can develop this way of being way of living that's going to be applicable to every situation. And really in a lot of cases it's not. And it's very individual. And everyone's very different. And it's it's just about as you said doing your 50%. And giving people giving people chances but also knowing at what point you know the things are not going to change. And it's it's still going to be like that. And they're aware and if you've tried to explain multiple times. And really it's just about you know as you said stepping back.