 The Jack Benny program with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and your surely Don Wilson. And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I present to you our master of ceremonies, that dignified star of stage, screen, and radio, John Benny. Thank you, thank you very much. Hello again, this is John Benny talking, and John, that introduction was just what I wanted. Thanks for your cooperation. You're perfectly welcome, but why after all these years do you want to change your name from Jack to John? Well, because I feel that the name John is much more dignified for a dramatic actor. Dramatic actor? Certainly, Mary. Last week on my program, I starred in I Stand Condemned. The week before that, I did a dramatic part with a screen-gilled player. Oh, yes, I heard that. What did you think of my acting? You Stand Condemned. Well, that's a natural reaction from one whose talent springs from the stocking counter at the May counter. Anyway, but I agree with John. There's no reason for changing your name. Mary, I like the name John because it'll keep people from calling me Jackson and Jackie Boy. Imagine them calling me Jackie Boy. I'm not a kid anymore. You know, I'm nearing 37. Coming around again, eh? Yes, I was born in the Studebaker. That's why I wear glasses on the back of my head, too. Anyway, remember, kids, the name is John and that settles it. Well, I think the whole thing is silly, whether it's John Benny or Jack Benny. I don't see any difference because, after all, Jack is the nickname for John. That's exactly what I'm getting at. Nicknames have no dignity. For instance, how would a sound of Charles Boye made passionate love to a girl like this? Come with me to the keg bar. Peace me. It is your lover, Chuck. Chuck. I mean, what girl would kiss Boye if his name was Chuck? I'd kiss him if his name was Coffinfeffer. All right, all right. Say Don. I'd kiss him if his name was Handelmeyer. Mary. Say Don. I'd kiss him if his name was Picklewinner. Mary, put Don on that telephone board. Why do you always have... Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, oh, by the way, Dennis, from now on, you'll notice that all of your checks will be signed John Benny. Who's he? Me. That's right, Dennis. Jack changes his name to John because it makes him feel more important. And I also told Phil to stop calling me Jack. Say, Mr. Benny, now that I have two shows, maybe I should change my name. Well, possibly. I think when a man reaches a certain point in show business, he should acquire a new name and it should be dignified. Gee, that sounds good. What? Dennis, dignified day. No, no, Dennis, look, your last name day is all right, but it's your first name that's important. Oh. It could be either dignified or at least something that commands respect. Mother's day? No, no, no, forget it. Now, kid, I want everybody... How about Groundhog Day? No. I don't care what name you take just so you call me John. Now, kid, I want everybody's attention. For tonight's dramatic offering, we're going to do our version of that popular motion picture marching. And since we need as many actors as possible, I ask Rochester to come down and help us out. So as soon as he gets... Oh, look, kid, sorry I'm late, but I was all up in traffic. Oh, hello, Phil. Hiya, Johnson. Johnson? Well, that's what you wanted, Dennis. You wanted to get yourself a hunk of dignity, so I'm digging you, Johnson. Phil, Phil, by dignity... Look, maestro, look, by dignity... Phil, by dignity, I meant a name that has class. What's wrong with Johnson? Well, Johnson has no poly. What's River McGee and Molly selling hotcakes? Oh, boy, am I sorry I started this. No, no, Johnson. No, Johnson. No, I think you got something there. What? Well, I don't like my first name either, Phil Harris. It ain't got no class. What are you going to change it to? McGregor Harris. McGregor? That's a Scotch name. Phil, you haven't gotten any Scotch in. Oh, yes, yes. How stupid of me. You're four-fifth Scotch and one-fifth Chaser. Your name should be Paul Harris. Anyway, kids, I'm going to have dignity on this program. If I have... Hello? Hello, Mr. Mayer, this is Port Jester. Well, you've been listening to the program. A Rochester, why aren't you at the studio? You're going to be in the sketch. Well, while I was driving down, I got hungry, so I put the car in the parking lot. Uh-huh. And when I got back, the man wanted to buy the car. Oh. Well, I hope you told him my price was $1,000. Uh-huh, but he told me that the used car wanted to stop some of the last few days. Oh. Well, what did he offer you? $7.50. Well, that... that isn't so bad. You ought to see where the decimal point is. What? $7.50 for my car? Rabbit fast, boss. I'm coming to the Irishman, and he ain't smiling. Well, I don't care if he's smiling or not. Offering $7.50 for my car. Why, the steering wheel is worth more than that. We ain't got one. No steering wheel, and how'd you get the car downtown? Same old way. Last through the sunset bus. Now, stop that. And listen, Rochester, I want to get a good price for that car. It has a wonderful motor. Oh, come now, boss. That motor was old, and you took it out of the washing machine. What's the difference? It runs, doesn't it? Yeah, but when you put it in reverse, it exhausts my spit buttons. Well, look, Rochester, do you tell this fellow that if he wants to buy my car, he can have it for $1,000 and not a cent less? Okay, just a minute. Hmm. Imagine offering me $7.50 for my car. It's in a wonderful condition. Still has the original rubber on the windshield wiper. I wouldn't sell that far. Oh, far? The man said he'll give you $9.00 for the car and you'll throw in the last shoe. What? $10.50 if you'll teach him how to use it. Rochester, sir, I'm not giving last shoe lessons, and the idea of that man offering me $9.00 for that car. He must be crazy. Well, let's take advantage of it. I'm not selling it for that kind of money. Now, hurry over to the studio. Okay. Now, come on, Dennis, let's have your song. What are you going to sing? Well, I'm going to introduce a brand new song that's never been done before. It's called Falling in Love is Easy. Well, that's the catchy title. It was written by two members of your staff, Robert Ballin and Sam Tern. Well, what do you know about that? Say, Dennis, if you sing this, what do you get out of it? What do I get out of it? They already gave me a check for 50,000 Pallardos. Pallardos? Dennis, we don't have any money like that in this country. I know, but if we ever do, I'll be rich. I knew you'd put it over on them. Come on, let's hear it. What the falling out? Yes, sir. Leave the pain where you're hot Than a cloud here the moon Because I thought of something Ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we're going to offer our version of Darrell Alexander's 20th Century Fox nostalgia production, Marge. Now, Mary, you're going to be Marge and I'm going to be your school teacher, the man you fell in love with and eventually marry. I can hardly wait. The time is the present and the happening scene is where Marge and her husband, her former school teacher, are at home looking over the family album. My name is Amarge. I'm always thinking of you, Marge. I'll tell the world I love you. Don't forget your promise to me. I have... Marge? Oh Marge, what are you doing? I'm just looking over some of these old pictures in my album. Most of these were taken way back when I was in high school. Oh, yes. Say, I never saw that picture before. Who's this young fella? Oh, him. He was my first steady boyfriend. His name was Tommy Manville. Tommy Manville? How come you broke up? Tommy wasn't a marrying kind. Oh. Say, look at this picture. He was taken at the senior class picnic at Lake Wanapahuka Makapuka in the Pines. Dogs gone always have a tough time pronouncing pines. Gosh, I'll never forget that picnic. That was the day you fell into the lake and I rescued you. And that led to my proposing to you, Marge. Yeah. You know, Tom, I have a confession to make. I really didn't fall in the lake. I jumped in on purpose. Well, I have a confession to make, too. I didn't jump in after you. Somebody pushed me. Say, more. More. Here comes our son, Donald. Yes. You know, Tom, he's grown up and will be leaving here soon. And I think it's time he had a man-to-man talk with him. I think you're right, more. Come here, son. Yes, daddy. You know, son, Mo and I were just looking through the family album. Here's a picture of you when you were a baby. Three weeks old. Gee, I was cute, wasn't I? Yeah. The only way to 160 pounds, then. And just look at you laying there on that bare-skinned rug. You killed the bear when you laid on it. That's right. Say, daddy, when did you and Mommy fall in love with each other? Well, I was a school teacher and she was one of my pupils. That's right, son. I guess I first realized I was in love with your father just before I graduated from high school. I was born in a school with my best friend, Sarah Sauerbrotten. What is it, Sarah? What do you think of our new teacher? Oh, I think he forgot to jam it. Really? Yeah. He has the most beautiful blue eyes. Well, how do you know his eyes are blue? The other day, I caught him and he was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm afraid that it might louse up my singing. Yeah. St. Margie, are you really in love with the teacher? Uh-huh. Yesterday he made me stay after school. Why? Well, while he was out of the room, I drew a picture of him on the blackboard. Gosh, I made him look handsome. Well, why'd he get so on? Well, while I was drawing the picture, I didn't know where to draw his hand, so I put it on his hips. You know, Sarah. Oh, there's the balance time. School day, school week, reading, inviting, and rest my text. Smart children, too, love, I think, treat it. You and my queen, you tell it all. I will go back to school barefoot, oh. You wrote on my plate. I love you, Joe. When we were a couple of years. Good morning, children. Good morning. Good morning, children. All right, children, be seated. And now, children, now, children, I shall call the roll. Dennis Day, here, Margie Livingson. Shazen. Betty Sullivan. Here, teacher. Phillip Harris. Here, teacher, and I brought you a ham hock. Thank you. Sarah Powerbrotten. Here, teacher. Humphrey Bogart. You missed me and sit down. Freddie Allen. Well, I'm here, teacher. Forty teachers in this school. He has to be in my class. Titus Moody. Howdy, Bob. Sammy Kitzel. Is Sammy Kitzel present? Oh, who am I present? I think so. The sportsman, brother. Melvin Blank. Agaboo, agaboo, aga. Melvin, are you present? Yes, teacher, I'm here. Very well, very well, very well. Frankie Nelson. Yes. Well, I'm happy to see all your bright and spotting faces. Now, Dennis Day, you may erase the blackboard. Yes, teacher. I will start off with our geography lesson, children. The first lesson will be Dennis. Stop erasing the blackboard with that and put it back on my head. I'm sorry, teacher, I found it on the floor. Now, let's get on with the geography lesson. Freddie Allen, where's Portland? Home with her mother. Portland's in Oregon. So is her mother. Now, the next question is, the next question is, where is Amsterdam? Ooh, what he said. Dennis Day, don't be silly. I'll ask another question. Where's Helsinki? That's even worse. Dennis Day, be quiet. I'm trying to teach you something. Does anyone know where the House of Parliament is? I would like to take a chance, teacher. Oh, the little kidsle boy. Yes. All right, Sammy. Tell the class. Where is the House of Parliament? In London. That's right. We depict the building in the middle and the big ben on top. Very good, very good. Now, Philip Harris, where is Bally-Bally? Right below your chesty-chesty. Oh, never mind that. Now, children, let's go to our history lesson. Frankie Nelson. Yes. Frankie, why did George Washington throw a dollar across the Potomac? I knew that would aggravate you. Frankie Nelson, you come here and stand up in front of my desk. I want to talk to you. Now, the next time I ask you a question, I don't want any more of that smart Alec talk. And if you do that again, I'm going to... I'm breathing on my jump cap. Go sit down. Now to continue with our... Quiet. Quiet. What's all that giggling about? I saw them, teacher. Philip Harris was pinching Sarah Sauerbrotten. Philip Harris was pinching Sarah Sauerbrotten. Pinching. Philip, you must stop annoying Sarah. Now back to our history lesson. In medieval times, they used to have many tortures. Can anyone describe some of them? Dennis had his hand up first. The worst torture of all was the rack. That's correct. Now, can you describe how the rack works? Yes, teacher. The rack was a big wheel and they put a man on it and tie his hands at one end and his feet at the other. Uh-huh. And then they turn the rack and it stretches fine and stretch it and stretch it till finally... BOOING! That's a rather odd way of describing it, but you're right. Now, children, it's time for the pre-graduation debate. The subject will be resolved that the salary of the President of the United States should not be increased. Margie Livingston will take the affirmative. Dennis Day, the negative. Margie will speak first. Learned teacher, fellow students, and my most worthy opponent, I contend that the President should not receive any greater compensation for the following reasons. The presidency of the United States is the highest elective office in the world. And since the office is one of honor, dignity, and prestige, it should not be contaminated by anything so mundane as money. Is that right, teacher? Well... I thank you. And now, for Appoint Dennis Day. Learned teacher, fellow students, and my worthy opponent, Margie. WHISTLE BLOWS Dennis, I believe that the President's salary should be increased. Wouldn't it be a fine state of affairs if the President didn't have enough money to pay his rent and he was evicted? I can just see the poor man standing on the steps of the White House yelling, Open the door, Richard! Door, door! All the bills he contracts while in the White House. Yes, fellow students, remember the means! What? And in conclusion, I want to repeat those famous words of Kilroy, children, children, school is over. Everybody can go home, but Margie. Margie, I kept you after school because it gives me great pleasure to tell you that you won the debate and you win first prize. Oh, that's wonderful, teacher. What is the first prize? Me. Come on, Margie. I'll walk home with you. My little Margie, I'm always thinking of you, Margie. Yes, son, that's how your mother and I got married. What are you laughing at, Mommy? Son, you wouldn't have been here if Dennis had won that debate. That's right, son. Gonna be mellows and I'll dance near me. Happy as a Christmas tree, heading for the one I love. I'm gonna popper the question, that question. Do it, darling, do you do? It'll be a thing if I can only find those flowers from a virgin's home into the one I love. Don Wilson speaking. The Jack Benny program has come to you through the worldwide facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. The voice of information and education.