 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show! The all enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, transcribed by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Ruse and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First, a word from RCA Victor. Is your radio giving you the kind of performance it was built to deliver? If not, you may need a new tube. Here's how to tell. Listen a moment. Does your radio sound like this? Does the volume rise and fall unexpectedly? Is there an annoying hum in the background? If your radio has any of these common symptoms, the trouble may be no more than a weak or worn out tube. So let your local radio service man give your set a complete checkup. If the trouble is due to the tubes, he'll be glad to install new RCA radio tubes. Experts will tell you, RCA tubes are made better, yet cost no more than ordinary tubes. Always look for RCA radio tubes in the red, white and black cartons. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris! Ladies and gentlemen, today most of us are living what one could call a full life. And in one sense it is. This modern age is full of tension, worry, strain and anxiety. Phil Harris is one of the victims of this high velocity living. Lately, his nerves have been getting so jumpy, he finds it almost impossible to relax. Here he is at the medicine cabinet. I hope this new batch of stuff Dr. Rando gave me will help my nerves. Now let's see what the druggist wrote here on the bottle. Take one red pill. If you don't feel better immediately, take one blue pill. Wait ten seconds and take one green pill and one purple pill. All this may not make you feel better, but you'll have a beautiful plaid stomach. A cute druggist always trying to get a laugh. I'm so shaky, I don't know what I'm doing. This morning I put lather on my face and shaved the mirror. Well, I better take a couple of these pills. There. Now I'm going into the living room and lie down on the sofa and try to relax. That's a little more like it. Now if I could just grab 40 winks. Daddy, do you mind if we turn on the television set? Well, Phyllis, I was figuring on taking a little nap. But Dad, we just wanted to listen to one little program. Well, okay girls, go ahead, maybe it might soothe me. Thank you, Dad. I told you I was going to get you, you dirty rat. You'll never get me your double cross and dame. What was the name of that program? Somebody must ask for a second cup of coffee. Girls, will you get something else? I'm trying to relax. Okay, Phyllis, let's get that other show we like so well. Oh yeah, that's on this channel. This is the city, as big as you ever believe. The sun shines 362 days of the year. I'm a cop, my name is Thursday. I have a brother named Friday. Most women have a bridge club on Friday. My mother had Friday at the bridge club. But just doing my job, that's all, just doing my job. Oh, kids, for Pete's sake, I'm trying to get some rest here. All right, Dad, we'll change the channel. Phyllis, get mobile with Malaya. Oh yeah, that jungle program. This is the jungle, bigger than you'd ever believe. The sun shines 362 days of the year. I'm a cannibal. I best do my job, that's all, just doing my job. Look, kids, don't you want your dear old dad to have a little peace and quiet? Gee, aren't there any programs at this time of day for girls? Oh, sure, Dad. Do you care if we listen to the cooking school? Well, cooking school, that's more like it. I don't mind a little disturbance as long as you're learning something. Okay, then we'll get Aunt Molly's kitchen hour. Maybe we can get a recipe from Aunt Molly that'll surprise Mother. Yeah, I'll turn the dial. This is a bottle of ketchup. My name is Aunt Molly. All right! That doesn't. Now come on, kids, I love you, but I've had it. You hear me? I had it. Now, please find something else to do in another part of the house. Okay, Dad, we're sorry. We didn't know you were so tired. See you later. Oh, there you are, Phyll. Do you feel any better? Yeah, yeah, I feel a little better, Alan. Well, you stay right there on the sofa, honey. I won't disturb you a bit. I'll just run the vacuum around you. Okay. Stop! Stop! What's the matter? Does the vacuum bother you? No, I just wanted to be sure you're wearing goggles and your safety belt. Honey, will you try and run that thing a little softer? I'm trying to get some rest. Sorry, I'm sorry, dear. I'll try. Thanks. Well, let's see now. What was that thing I used to do when I couldn't go to sleep? I didn't count sheep. I didn't drink warm milk. I didn't chin myself on Daryl Zanik. Hi, everybody. Hi, Alice. Hello, Elliot. Well, what have we here? Now, look, Elliot Phil doesn't feel very well because he... What'd you say, Alice? No, because he's bottle-grinding and running in the fire mode. Did you say bottle-grinding and running in the fire mode? We're stopping already! Stopping! Not stopping! Matt, I feel like we're making a little too much noise. A little too much noise? It sounded like the last call for drinks at a Polish wedding. Matt, Curly, you look all upset. Who wouldn't be upset? You can't relax nowadays. Everything moves so fast. Speed, speed, speed, speed. That's all they want. Motor cars go in 100 miles an hour. Then on top of that, they build freeways so you can go 110. What's the matter with freeways, Curly? What's the matter with them? They're all right if you're going straight, but just make a wrong turn someplace. And where are you? Vist and your relatives in Seattle. Gee, I kind of like that Hollywood freeway. I drove over it last night. Man with crazy air pockets. Are they going to put them bridges in any day now? You've just got to calm down. That's all there is to it. Yeah, you're right, Alice. We all ought to slow down. Personally, I'd settle for the good old days. Look at milk nowadays, for instance. It's sterilized, pasteurized, homogenized, calciumized, and penicillinized. In the old days, the cow gave you whatever she happened to have on tap at the time. Yeah, and if you wanted some chocolate milk, you just fed the cow a few Hershey bars. But you had to be careful. I'll say, one day I gave our cow a Hershey bar with nuts in it. I got the milk out of her all right, but it was uphill all the way. I had to take some of the pressure off. If we can spend an evening without watching a who-done-it on the television set, I... Hey, Curly, I got a wonderful idea. Why don't we have an old-fashioned evening at home? You know, the kind like your grandmother and grandfather used to have. That is a good idea, Phil. Remember the time we went to your grandfather's house? There was no tension around that place. Well, you said it because they knew how to live. Remember right after dinner, we all sat around that pot-bellied stove with cold apple cider and doughnuts? Then Grandma got out her old guitar, and then she'd go into this. They want me when you kiss me. Your love would ricochet. Your lips would find another, and your heart would go astray. I thought that I could hold... But then one day you ricocheted to someone else's arms. And, baby, I don't want a ricochet romance. I don't want a ricochet love. If you're careless with your kisses, find another turtle love. I can't live on ricochet romance. No, no, not me. If you're gonna ricochet, baby, I'm gonna set you free. I knew the day I met you. You had a roving eye. I thought that I could hold you. What a fool I was to try. You promised you'd be faithful, and you would never stray. Then like a rifle bullet, you began to ricochet. And, baby, I don't want a ricochet romance. I don't want a ricochet love. If you're careless with your kisses, find another turtle love. I can't live on ricochet romance. No, no, not me. If you're gonna ricochet, baby, I'm gonna set you free. He announced a wedding. You made me mighty proud. I whispered to his company, but you preferred a cry. You buzzed around the other girls, just like a busy bee. You finished buzzin' cousin. You buzzed right back at me. And, baby, I don't want a ricochet romance. I don't want a ricochet love. If you're careless with your kisses, find another turtle love. I can't live on ricochet romance. No, no, not me. If you're gonna ricochet, baby, I'm gonna set you free. Hey, that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna have one of those real old-fashioned evenings right here at home. We'll have some candied apples, popcorn balls, and we'll play some of those good old games like Domino's, Little Cassina, and Old Maid. Hey, that Old Maid is a great card game. Yeah, but it's more fun if you play with real Old Maid. That's pretty funny, huh, Curly? Oh, was it? Well, shut me in the cloak room till recess. Look, Alice, you get the molasses and the popcorn ready. I'm gonna see if I can locate the game of part cheesy we used to have. Boy, are the kids gonna get a kick out of an evening at home like this. Hey, Elliot, how are those popcorn balls coming? Fine, I'm working on the last two right now. The donuts that Alice made are gonna be terrific. Hey, by the way, Elliot, when I sent you after that cider, what took you so long getting back with it? Well, you know, old Dad Datisman, the guy that makes it, well, he's got four kinds of cider. Soft, hard, double hard, and where's Rocky Marciano? Well, hey, Elliot, no kidding. Is that stuff really as hard as they tell me? Hard. One drink and you just sit there, your eyes staring. Three drinks and your eyes just sit there staring, but you are gone. But for an evening such as this, I naturally procured the soft variety. Well, you did the right thing, Elliot, and I've got the part cheesy and the domino game all set up, and not only that, I've got the whole evening planned. Now, we'll start off with some old-fashioned conversation. Yeah, there's a lost art, just plain conversation. I tell you, Curly, it's one... Anybody home? Oh, hiya, Julius. I love monster cider and all that. Yeah, well, it's kind of a whimsical idea we had. You see, we're trying to recreate an evening like the old folks used to spend back in 1890. We're going to do all the things people used to do way back in 1890. Hey, doesn't that sound like fun? I don't know. What did you do? This guy, you're always making them cracks. Why are you always bugging me about my age? Well, let's face it, Mr. Harris, you don't have to pretend with me. The empty jars from the beauty age you used. Mother Moncrease, Mississippi mud fish in every jar. Now, in my grandfather's and my grandmother's day, people minded their own business. Hey, what's that junk he got over here on his platter? Those are our derbs. Here's an item from an old-fashioned Southern recipe. What are they? French-fried possum livers? Very ridiculous. They're fricasseed catfish cheeks. Yeah, I bet he does. Always some relative to yours that I should have hired. Well, you should have. He sized the garlic potatoes with a side order of garlic possum. I suppose he puts garlic in the ice cream, too. I'm sure your Uncle Pasquale could do a wonderful catering job, but that kind of stuff just don't fit with what we have planned for this evening. Wides! Wides! Empty wides! Oh, did he just get here from Italy? Yeah, took him seven weeks to come over. Seven weeks? What'd he do, come on one of those slope freighters? No, he's a wetback. Hey, kitty, look at me. At the risk of leaving myself wide open, I'd like to ask a question. Now, you mean your Uncle Pasquale swam all the way from Italy, and it took him seven weeks? Oh, he could have every so often and fed water while he cooked the pizza. Who is he? Look, that's just what we don't want, Julius. I want my children to learn what a nice quiet evening at home means. I have two nice sensible young daughters, and I want to keep them that way. We're just going to sit around quietly and play a few hands of all made. Oh, what? Hey, Julius, and Phyllis and I ride in your truck as far as the Pulva de Boulevard? Wait a minute, girls, wait a minute. I have an evening all planned here at home for everybody. But, Dad, you told us a month ago we could go and watch the hot rod contest tonight. The devil drivers are going to do their stuff. Oh, I read about that in the paper. Yeah, the hot rods are going to play high speed leapfrogs, and then cannonball cleaver is going to drive a silver bullet racer up to the top of the mountain, standing on his head and staring with his feet blindfolded at 90 miles an hour. Doesn't cannonball cleaver sound simply dangerous? Yeah. And he's the one who's yellow. What do you have planned for us? Well, mine's a game, but it's really exciting, too. You see, everybody gets five cards, and then you keep putting them down on the table and other people pick them up, and pretty soon there's no cards left and whoever gets stuck with the two of clubs is all made, and everybody makes fun of them. Yeah, yeah, and then I... Even if the girls won't be here, we don't have to change our plans. Certainly not, just because the children went out doesn't mean that we can't go ahead and... 90 miles an hour blindfolded? Well, let's settle down and have a real old-fashioned evening. I wish we had a couple of those old-time kerosene lamps or something to sort of get us into an 1890 mood. Shall I put on my linen duster and sing Pony Boy? No, no, no. Just hand me one of those popcorn balls and let's get started. Started with what? The law start of conversation, like we said. It's part of the idea, isn't it? Now go ahead. Somebody start talking. Who? Well, anybody, honey. You go ahead, Alice. What'll I talk about? Just anything. Anything that interests you. Oh, all right. Well, let's see. Well, I was in Nancy's beauty shop today and she's got a new cold wave permanent. The curls last for five months. But, Alice, I swim a lot. Oh, no, you don't. You two can't leave me out of the conversation. Now, if you're not getting the spirit of this thing at all... Well, why don't you let me start it out? When I was stationed in Tokyo, I took a course in personality and conversation. This will be a great chance to try it out. Well, wonderful. Go ahead. Okay. Let me see. Oh, yeah. Oh, good morning, Madam Suzuki. How beautiful you look with the sun shining down on your exalted pagoda. The course was in Japanese. Well, Tokyo rose, tell us more. I'd be glad to. There were some other very brilliant phrases guaranteed to make you popular at any gathering. For instance, you're combounding into a gay party wearing a fried rice beret, then you dash up to a gorgeous geisha girl and you say, What does that mean? The only way I can translate it is to bite you on the neck. I also have quite a selection of venerable Japanese love songs. No, thank you. They're very pretty. Even so, I just want to settle down and have some nice old-fashioned conversation. Those oriental songs are awfully romantic. I know, I know. Especially those in a musical comedy I saw in Yokohama. You see, the boy Yamaguchi and his girl Lotus Blossom are sitting in the middle of a bar and they're sitting in the middle of a bar and they're sitting in the middle of a bar and they're sitting in the middle of a bar and they're sitting in the middle of a bar and Pearl Blossom are sitting in the tea house of the August moon and she drinks 30 cups of tea. Oh, good heavens, not 30 cups? Oh yeah, that's where they get the theme song, sloshing my baby back home. It's a wolf. Yes, I know, I know, I know. Just trying to liven up the evening. Well, I don't want the evening livened up. We're here for a nice old-fashioned quiet conversation and that's what we're gonna have. quiet, relaxed conversation like grandpa used to have. Sounds like grandpa needs a rabies shot. Okay, I surrender. I should know better. What's the use of trying to have an 1890 evening in 1954? Gee, I'm glad to hear you say that, Curly, because there's a brand new movie on television tonight at 9 o'clock. Yes, I saw it advertised in the paperfield, but I didn't want to say anything. It's called Beneath the Pavement. Well, it sounds great. What are we waiting for? Look, it's just that time now. Turn on the set and let's get with it. Elliot, drag your chair over here. And, Alice, I'll sit in this big chair here. Okay, Curly, I'll get the refreshments and put them right here on this table. All right, turn the set on, will you, honey? I sure will. Yeah, that's it now. You come over here and sit with me, huh? There. You comfy? Yes, it's happy movie time again, and tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we have a real treat for you because our movie tonight has never been shown on television before. The director who gave you Manhattan at night and that great picture, the shadows of 42nd Street now presents his latest triumph beneath the pavement. And here it is, Beneath the Pavement. This is the sewer. Bigger than you've ever believed possible. I'm just doing my job. That's all just doing my job. Why didn't we think of this before? This is what I call real living past the cider, Clyde. Hey, Elliot, why the long face? Well, Curly, remember you told me that 80 million people have television nowadays? Yeah. Well, 80 million is half the people in the whole country. Well, what's so sad about that? Thanks to TV, all those people can see movies, sport events, comedies, and drama right at home. Well, that's it, Curly. Half the country can. What about the other half? The 50% who don't own a TV set? Think of all they're missing. Whoa, whoa, man. Whoa. I'm overdone it. You're the first ham I've seen so overdone since my barbecue party. Hey, wait a minute. I got it figured, Elliot. Yeah? Listen, if anyone doesn't own TV, there's only one reason. He ain't heard about RCA Victor's terrific Master 21 television. Let's tell him. Let's let Bill Foreman tell him. Thanks, Phil. The Master 21 model is the greatest television value ever offered by RCA Victor. For only $199.95, you get every advance that has made RCA Victor the highest rated picture in 21-inch TV, the magic monitor, golden throat, fidelity sound, and automatic tuning. See the new Master 21, RCA Victor 21-inch quality TV for as little as $199.95. Another reason why every year more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. This is Phil again. Radio Free Europe is the independent American enterprise that beams the truth to captive peoples behind the iron curtain. Makes further aggression tougher for the communist. If you and every other American support Radio Free Europe, you can help stop another world war before it ever gets started. The dollars Americans give to the Crusade for Freedom help Radio Free Europe to do the job that's so important for all of us. Mail your dollars to Crusade for Freedom in care of your local postmaster. Thanks so much and good night. Good night, everybody. Included in this program, transcribed were Julie Bennett and Peter Lee. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC radio network presentation. This music is from one of the most beloved, most played symphonies of all time. Tchaikovsky's Fifth. Now the full splendor of this magnificent work under the baton of Leopold Stakovsky is completely captured for you on RCA Victor new orthophonic high fidelity records. Listen to Tchaikovsky's Fifth Symphony at your RCA Victor dealers now. This is the NBC radio network.