 Ladies and gentlemen, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy USA. The last class of the day has been dismissed and both students and faculty are relaxing. In the home of Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, President of Ivy and his wife, formerly a shining light at the London stage, Dr. Hall is lying on the couch and Mrs. Hall is sitting on the floor beside him going over the afternoon mail which arrived a few minutes ago. Well, here's the last of the lot. It's an invitation to tea. What reply shall I make? What is it saying? On Saturday the 16th Mrs. Millicent Foster will be at home between four and six. Dr. William Hall likewise. It's rather a crisp refusal, don't you think? I mean that someone as rich as Mrs. Foster. What happens to a college president who misses a chance of wangle and endowment? The established procedure, I believe, calls for his Board of Governors to form a hollow square, snip off his buttons and drum him out of the service. Unless, of course, he can prove it was not his fault. If he can do that, then the Board naturally takes that into consideration. What do they do then? They form a hollow square, snip off his buttons and drum him out of the service. And he and his wife are never, just rub my back a little. No, no, a bit to the left. That's it. And he and his wife are never again seen in academic circles. They become flotsam and jetsam on the stream of life. You know, I think you ought to accept Mrs. Foster's invitation. She's apt to be very receptive to your ideas about building IP. Why should she be? I've never even met her. Have you forgotten what that magazine article said about you last week? Toddy, your cheesecake. Well, I'm Victorian now. What was that line? Um, no ineffectual, intellectual he. I'm Victorian. And that caption beneath the photograph. Sexy Brexit. Victoria, please. The tone of that article was entirely incommensurate. The article contained a great deal of truth. But the tone of that article was entirely... Toddy, face it. You're an attractive human being. The tone of the... Well, anyway, it's nice to have you think so. Well, I'm sure I'm not the only one. Girls must always have found you attractive. Tell me that before you met me, you never dilly-dallyed. A dilly-d perhaps, Victoria, but I never dallyed. I think we might bring this discussion of my personal charms to a close by accepting Mrs. Foster's invitation to tea. Yes. One moment while I note it down. There. No hollow square for you. Your regimental buttons are quite safe. As far as we know, however, I think they... Oh, answer the phone. Will you, Victorian? Certainly, if I can find it. Oh, this happens every time. That phone is never twice in the same place. Oh, now, Toddy, it'll turn up sooner or later. There is only a strike for one moment and off its campus on a frolic of its own. It's not under the coffee table. Then, never mind, Victoria, I see it... Where? On the telephone table of all places. Dr. Hall speaking. Oh, yes, good afternoon, Mr. Merryweather. This is an unexpected play. With whom? No, I've never met him, but of course, his reputation. Oh, yes, by all means, do. Goodbye. Mr. Merryweather, he's on his way over. Oh, good. I adore Mr. Merryweather. I wish all the members of the Board of Governors were like him. Did I tell you what he said to me last time he visited? He was leaving. He pinched my cheek, looked deeply into my eye, and then said, God, ma'am, what I wouldn't give to be 70 again. Chester Bromley is with him. Chester Bromley? How do you think I know him? Well, he's perhaps the greatest authority on Shakespeare since Skidridge of Harvard, and one of the finest pedagogues this country has ever produced. I wonder what Merryweather has on his mind. Do you suppose the Board is displeased about something? Oh, no point fretting, Toddy. Think about something else. Tell me more about Dr. Bromley. He's the best kind of academician. He has real love for his subject and what is even more admirable, he can communicate his enthusiasm and fire to his students. He may want to reopen the whole matter of breakage in the physics lab. Dr. Bromley? No, Mr. Merryweather, he can't seem to understand that with the increased emphasis on the sciences, expenses are bound to mount. I wish we could have him here at Ivy permanently. Mr. Merryweather? No, darling, Dr. Bromley, he's unearthed more truth about his subject matter than any other researcher in the field. I don't suppose you know, there's no foundation whatsoever to the story that he was horse-whipped for poaching deer when a boy... Dr. Bromley or Mr. Merryweather? William Shakespeare. He's on third. Who's on third? Who's on first? I'm gonna use a cup of tea. Very confusing the whole thing. You know, it's only recently that Bromley has received the recognition he deserves. Most of his life, he taught at third-rate schools throughout the country. Not until Oxford invited him to lecture did the academic world realize what a great man he really is. Did you call, Mum? Yes, I'd be four for tea. Awesome. Oh, one moment, Penny. Toddy, did you know Penny was born and bred in Shakespeare's hometown? Really? Stratford-on-Avon? You must know quite a good deal about him. Oh, yes. Couldn't help but learn what he'd been raised there. I could tell you ever so many things. Look, go ahead. I'm very interested. Well, for one thing, he was English. Yes, I have heard some such rumour. And he wrote plays. You did keep your ears open, didn't you? I hadn't read any of the plays, of course, but an uncle of mine did, and he spoke very highly of them. Penny, Shakespeare was one of the greatest masters of the English language, whoever lived. Well, I can understand you're being impressed by that being a yank. But I've been speaking the English language all my life. You certainly have. And, oh, let me see. Oh, yes. He's dead. Oh, that's too bad. Well, thank you very much, Penny. Oh, don't mention it, sir, any time at all. Oh, excuse me, sir, the door. Sorry, dear. I'm afraid Penny didn't help much. No, I wouldn't say that she had made my regimental buttons any more secure, but it was a good try, Vicki. Toddy, quick, before Dr. Bromley comes in, tell me more about him so I can talk to him. Well, one of the things he did was to clear up the mystery of the second best bed. The second best bed? Yes, you see, Shakespeare was quite wealthy when he died, and yet in his will he left his wife only his second best bed. Scholars speculated for years about that. Yeah, I bet the neighbors did, too. Yes, very, very well. Mr. Merryweather, sir. Oh, thank you, Penny. Good afternoon, Mr. Merryweather. Hello, hall. Good to see you again. More than good to see you, ma'am. Oh, thank you, Mr. Merryweather. You're looking very fit. Ah, feeling very fit. Winked at a pretty girl this morning, she winked right back. Thing like that's a tonic to a man by age. Well, isn't Dr. Bromley with you? Oh, he'll be here later. He's inspecting the library. I couldn't wait to have a business appointment a little later. Dr. Hall, I have good news. I've got Bromley on the verge of joining our faculty. No. Yes, I was introduced to him. After that opening in the English department, decided he was the one to fill it. Oh, that's wonderful. How in the world did you manage? I've heard he's turned down scores of offers. Well, simply reason with the man. Look here, I said, and so on and so on and so on. Yes, he answered, but what about this and that? Well, it's all very good, I said, but it carries no weight whatsoever when you take such and such into consideration. And I clenched it. Frank, I can see where it would. It's a very potent argument. Anyway, I persuaded him to visit Ivy for a few hours, and all you have to do is wind up the deal. I still don't understand. Surely some of the positions he's rejected carry much larger salaries than anything we can offer? Well, he mentioned that, but he added it with no criteria, and seems to place all the weight on the fact that not one of the college presidents with whom he's spoken since his return from Oxford could answer a very simple question. Not one. It's shocking, don't you think? I should be very interested in knowing what the question is. Well, what was it again? Oh, yes. What was William Shakespeare like personally? Telling that in these hours. Mr. Merriweather, let me assure you that is not a simple question. I have no idea why Dr. Bromley would accept or reject a post on such a fantastic basis, but no one has ever answered that question to anyone else's satisfaction. We have no way of knowing what Shakespeare thought or felt about anything. Oh, I don't agree. Now, what about that line in, and I forget which play, where, what's his name? It says, oh, oh, and so on. Yes, well, that line, notwithstanding, one cannot deduce the Bard's personality from his work any more than one can tell what sort of a man Henry Ford was by examining a model T. Well, I'm stunned by what you tell me, Hall. I'm only a layman, but even I know something about him. He was an excellent businessman, a shrewd market manipulator. Now, from which of his plays did you get that information, Mr. Merriweather? Mrs. Hall, I appeal to you. Oh, please, doge. I don't know anything about him. Never even had a walk on in one of his plays. He wrote in so few dance routines. I don't know what to say. I've already telegraphed other members of the board. We'd signed up, Brownlee. Wasn't that a tribal hasty, Mr. Merriweather? Well, I suppose it was, but I've always had such confidence in your ability. Till now? Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but under the circumstances, it's unavoidable. I suppose so. I'll try to make that very clear to the rest of the board. What's he going? I'll inform you of Brownlee's decision as soon as I talk to him. It's not worth the trouble, is it? Oh, good afternoon, ma'am. Good afternoon. Oh, one moment, doctor. What is it? Your sleeve, allow me. One of your buttons, hanging by a thread. Good day. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. We'll return to the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman in just a moment. But first, let's hear the story of a lonely traveler and how he made an acquaintance who turned out to be the mutual friend of a club car full of strangers. Well, I was traveling alone, and I came into the club car late. The earlier arrivals had already formed the quick-fleeting friendships of travel. The sales manager from Omaha and the newspaper man from St. Louis were playing canasta like lifelong buddies. The founder man from Michigan was talking politics with a department store buyer from Pittsburgh, and so it was all over the car. Being a research man who works alone a lot, I don't find it too easy to meet people. So I was feeling like the odd man at a family dinner party when the waiter asked me, what will you have, sir? Well, while I'd been studying my traveling companions, I'd noticed how many of them had bottles of Schlitz beer in front of them. I'd noticed too how inviting the beer looked in the glass and the satisfied look on the faces of those who were drinking it. Honestly, they could have been in a Schlitz magazine ad. So I said, Schlitz, please. I figured a beer must be something special to have that many close friends in one club car. When the waiter came back, I found out I was right. I took a deep swallow of that Schlitz beer. I guess the same satisfied look I'd seen on the others must have come over my face. All I know is the man across from me grinned and said, I know what you're thinking and I agree with you. It's no wonder they call Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. That's the wrong to do. To be or not to be ready to answer Dr. Brownlee's question. That's what's troubling Dr. Hall, as he says. Oh, the devil, should I know what Shakespeare is like personally? Many whether there's no reason to expect I should. If at my age I must be a quiz kid, at least let the questions be something. Yes, what is it, Penny? Nothing, sir. I've only brought the tea. You did say tea for four, didn't you, Miss? Yes, I did, but of course I was wondering whether there's enough hot water. There is indeed plenty of hot water, plenty. Professor All? Yes. Regarding what we was talking about before, Shakespeare, I've remembered something else. They referred to him as the bird of Avon. They may shortly refer to me as the dead pigeon of Ivory. Thank you, Penny, that'll be all. Yes, sir. Would you like some tea now, Toddy? Oh, I think we'd better wait for Brownlee. He's certainly taking his time about it, isn't he? Well, after all, life around at college is always leisurely. Yes, it is. Are you ever sorry you're married into such a life? Don't you sometimes find it boring? Toddy, let me tell you something. Before we met, I'd been proposed to by a big game hunter, a test pilot, and a chemist doing research in high explosives. And frankly, compared to the pickles in which you find yourself, I suspect any of them would have been good and dull. I don't think I'm in such a bad predicament this time, Victoria. It's only that it may be one of the straws piling up to the one that breaks the camel's back. I never know when the members of the board may start sharpening their snippers and licking their chops with eagerness. You're getting very careless with your similes, Toddy. Or are they metaphors? Metaphors. But that little touch about licking their chops, masterly, I call that. Oh, it was nothing religious came to me. Well, I say there's little to worry about. Let them fire you if they like. A less cavalier approach to the matter, Vicki, if you don't mind. No, I mean it. Let them. I know who'll regret it first. So do I. It's a buyer's market in college, presidents. I have no desire to glut it. But over and above that, sentimental, though it may sound, I love Ivy. And I'm very keen on my job. My father went to Ivy. His father went to Ivy. My great-grandfather went to Harvard. Well, thank you, son, to Ivy. Well, you know how it is. A man always wants his children to have the good things in life he himself has missed. The devil is brumly. Are you any idea what you'll say to him when he does arrive? About Shakespeare, I mean. Well, I shall have to answer his question in some fashion if he asks it. Of course, I've always had a conception of Shakespeare. I've thought of him as someone who was very happy in his work, extremely interested in people, and a man who might have dedicated his life to a cause worthy of his efforts. It is so really important that Ivy get this Professor Bromley. I mean, is it worth all this fuss? If he were just another run-of-the-class Professor, my dear, I'd say no. But this man is one of the torch bearers of learning. One of the inspired teachers. A man with a gift of communication. Men like him, who shamefully underpaid and unrecognized beyond their own academic horizons, are still the glory of those colleges lucky enough to happen. They're the ones who are remembered down the years with affection and gratitude by the students. And if he's that kind, I hope we snag him. Oh, you decide you want him, dear. I'm sure you will. I know, but it's a little late in the day to lay out any involved strategy. Well, you're not much of a campaigner, anyway, Toddy. I always think of you more as, um, spur of the moment, man. Oh, you're quite wrong, my darling. Don't let my apparent impulsiveness deceive you. Compared to me, Niccolò Machiavelli was a witless blunderer. Do you remember the first time I kissed you? But you didn't kiss me. I kissed you. Oh, no, you're wrong. I remember very clearly because it was the culmination of a campaign, the like of which for planning and preparation had not been seen since Austerlitz. That picnic we had on the river near Pangbourne. Remember? The major tactical problem was how to get you in my arms. But we never seemed to be alone long enough in London, so I invited you to a picnic. And no sooner had we gotten out of the car and strolled down to the river through a herd of cows to feed the swans. Do you remember to bring the crumbs for the swans? Three bags full. Now, it's rather rocky here, but be careful. Oh, I'm careful. Oh, dear. What happened? Twist your ankle? Yes. I'm afraid I have a bit. See if you can stand on it. No, I can't. But sit down here on this tumble. No, I have a show to do tonight. I will look at it as soon as possible. Would you mind terribly if we went back to town? You mean right now? Yes. No. No, of course I don't mind. Well, let me lean on you. I'll hop. Don't be silly. I'll carry you. Like this. Don't you think I'll be too heavy? Not in the least. You think I'm a weakling? Oh, no. This is delightful. You're sure I'm not too heavy. I can feel your heart beating. Not because you're too heavy, believe me. I've... I've never been this close to you before. What's that scent you're wearing? It's wonderfully heady. Just me? I've never heard of it. Oh, you mean it's you? Don't you want me to put me down and take a breather? No, your light is a feather, really. I'm enjoying this enormously. Funny, I never noticed that spray of freckles across your nose. Do you like it? The freckles or the nose? Oh, a combination. Very much. And the face that goes with it. Nice coloring all over it. I think your coloring is getting a trifle high. You'd better put me... You know, it's only a few steps more to the car. You stand very relieved. But I'm not. I would like this to go on forever. It may not get a chance to hold you again. You may not live to do it unless you put me down. For that all. Or please, put me down. Very well. If you prefer... there. And the heavens say sit down beside me. Thank you. Believe me, I... will. This is all. You're a knight in shining armor, but you don't have to kill yourself to prove it. I can't be happy. I wish you could see your face. Funny. The way things work out. I plan a picnic. And it's over in five minutes. I attempt gallantry and lose my wind. And just as you were about to kiss me, weren't you? Now, I'm off with a kiss, and you can't catch my breath. Oh, my, in Professor Hall, I'll wait. I'll wait until the cows come home. Ah, what a lovely sound. I'm surprised no one has written a symphony around the cowbell. That isn't a cowbell, Toddy. That's the doorbell. Well, why should a cow ring a ring? Yes, I must have been daydreaming again. And didn't quite finish it. You owe me a kiss. I do, sir. Me, Penny. Oh, excuse me. Dr. Bromley could see you, sir. Oh, yes. Yes. Won't you come in, doctor? How do you do? Victoria. May I introduce Dr. Bromley? Dr. Bromley, my wife. How do you do, Mrs. Hall? It's so nice of you to call a penny the gentleman's coat and hat. No, please. I've a taxi waiting outside. I can only spend a few minutes. Oh, that's too bad. I'd hoped you might stay longer. Much, much longer. Several years, perhaps? Yes. I don't mind telling you it would be quite a feather in Ivy's cap to have you on the faculty. Thank you. And I don't mind telling you I agree wholeheartedly. I trust I don't appear immodest. I agree that I've recently acquired a fair idea of my own worth. You see, the past few months I've received 53 offers to decorate some school's bonnet. Or to be foolish to pretend ignorance of the fact that you're greatly in demand. Only recently, for 31 years of my career, the shoe was on the other foot. Dr. Hall, you know the tons of application papers an unknown professor fills out in 31 years of job hunting. State name, age, degrees, colleges, degrees, positions, salary, academic honors, administrative abilities. Well, we can't expect to be taken on when they don't know anything about us. Oh, that's very true. I appreciate that. But you can't expect me not to enjoy the turning of the tables now that I've acquired the statue that permits me to ask the questions. Yeah, I'm beginning to understand. What was Shakespeare like personally, eh? Mr. Meriwether told you that today? Well, can you answer it? Um... Tell Dr. Bromley what you've always said, William. That Shakespeare was a man who felt he'd never received the honors due to one who stood at the top of his profession. This colored his entire life. And Victorian, I... How in the world did you know? Dr. Hall, that's precisely the conclusion I've reached after half a lifetime of intense study. How in the world did you know? You mean, you... Why... It's obvious. You take my breath away. I should like to discuss this matter further with you. How about letting me stay for dinner tonight? Oh, but of course, please do. Just let me go outside and dismiss my taxi. I'll be right back. Don't go away. Excuse me, Toddy. I want to tell Penny there'll be three for dinner. No, no, wait, wait, Victoria. How the devil did you know the answer? What do you know about Shakespeare? All I know about Shakespeare, Toddy, is that Sir Lawrence Olivier did a lovely job with Hamlet. Yes, I know. But you see, I do know a little about people. When I heard Mr. Merriweather describe him as a businessman, which Mr. Merriweather is, and you describe him as a man who loved his work, which you do, it occurred to me that Dr. Bromley might also see him as a man very like himself. That's all. Excuse me. I simply must tell you... No, no, no, one minute, Vicki. I want you to say all that again. Why don't you phone and see if you can reach Mr. Merriweather with a good news? I will. I'll be back with you in a few minutes. Hello, Mr. Merriweather. This is Dr. Hall. I wanted you to know that through your initiative and Mrs. Hall's great knowledge of the classics, Dr. Bromley has decided to join our faculty. Yes, yes, I'm extremely gratified. Anything I have done is, as my students would say, strictly off the cuff. Which reminds me, Mr. Merriweather, remember that loose button on my cuff? I fixed it. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. I'm Mr. Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Darling, you signed him up. I knew you'd do it. My dear girl, like most men, I am capable of some amazing self-delusions, but not on this score. I know who gave Bromley the answer which convinced him that Ivy was his spiritual home. Isn't it awful the way I keep batting in? Was it Shakespeare or Dr. Hall who said, a man proposes, but woman disposes? I'm sure I don't know. Why? Oh, I was just thinking that since I proposed to you, my darling, my life has been so well-disposed. Well done. Thank you, dear. You're not at all, darling. Good night, everyone. Good night. Let's break at this time at the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The other players were Leonard Waterman, Gloria Gordon, and William Johnstone. Tonight's script was written by Walter Brown Newman and Don Quinn. The music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Nat Wolfe, and presented by the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ken Carpenter speaking. Oh, we love the hall that's around us here today.