 Miss Brooks. Starring Eve Arden. For some time now, our Miss Brooks and Miss Daisy Enright, both English teachers at Madison High, have competed for the affections of Mr. Boynton, Madison's biology instructor. Their rivalry may be compared to the spectacle of two fine boxers, skillfully sparring for an opening, or two master chess players, carefully planning each move, or two great generals planning attack and counter attack. Or a couple of dead-end kids armed with broken milk bottles and brass knuckles. Several weeks ago, I finally conceived a plan of attack that was certain to eliminate Miss Enright forever more as a rival for Mr. Boynton. The first part of the master plan called for my going on an intensive diet, and after living for weeks on carrots, dried fruits, and leachy nuts, the supreme moment arrived when I could say, Mrs. Davis. Yes, Connie. I'm ready now to sit for my portrait. Oh, I'm glad, dear, because I'm too weak to stand. Well, that day, I sat for our town's newest portrait photographer, Laverne of Hollywood, on Walter Denton's special recommendation. And if I do say so myself, when Laverne snapped that shutter, I looked like a living doll. The following morning, Mrs. Davis couldn't restrain her curiosity any longer. Connie, please tell me, why did we have to go through all that for just one portrait? Well, Mrs. Davis, you've been so wonderful, I'm going to let you in on my secret. That portrait of me by Laverne is going to be a surprise gift to Mr. Boynton as a reward for the great honor that's just been conferred on him. Oh, of course. You mean his being appointed head scout master of Eager Beaver Troop 32 of the Boy Scouts? Yes, that's it. Mr. Boynton is the head, but probably least eager of the beavers. Well, Mrs. Davis, what do you think of my idea? I mean, presenting Mr. Boynton with a framed photograph of myself. Oh, it'll make a lovely gift, dear. Will it be a four by five or a five by seven? A 16 by 24. The idea is for Mr. Boynton to see a great deal of me. Oh, of course. And 16 by 24 is the largest size. Is that it? Outside of wallpaper, yes. Madison's most beauty is faculty member. Oh, hello, kids. Miss Brooks, how did you like that photographer Walter sent you to? Isn't Laverne of Hollywood the most? Well, his prices certainly are. Still, I'm not complaining, and I'm thankful to you, Walter, for sending me to him. But do me a big favor, will you? Don't under any circumstances tell anyone about the gift I'm giving Mr. Boynton. Also, let's keep your Mr. Laverne strictly to ourselves. Don't tell a soul, not a female soul. Oh, I get it. And fear not, Miss Brooks, your secret is sealed up in the chambers of my mind where it will remain solidly entombed, like, like... Like the answers to my last English quiz. Just don't tell anybody. Oh, don't worry, Miss Brooks, I wouldn't dream of... Yeah, don't look now, but I think I see Miss Enright approaching on your starboard bow. Well, batten down my hatches and prepare to abandon ship. I wonder what she wants. Well, besides Mr. Boynton, I haven't the faintest idea. Ah, you'll soon find out. Yeah, come on, Harriet, we've got to get to class. All right, Walter, see you later, Miss Brooks. Bye, Harriet. Well, good morning, Miss Brooks. And how is my dear friend this morning? If I can find one, I'll ask her. You have such a charming sense of humor. Gay, effervescent, bubbling, like a slightly moss-covered fountain. Well, it's been nice chatting with you, but I must be on my way to class. Oh, well, just a moment, Miss Brooks, I stopped you for a reason. It concerns Mr. Boynton. But Mr. Boynton? Yes. You see, I have a delightful surprise for him as a reward for the honor he's just won. Really? Now, Miss Brooks, the only reason I'm discussing the question of gifts with you is to prevent us from both giving him the same thing. Oh, well, there isn't a chance of that, I assure you. No, I suppose not. I'm presenting him with a framed photograph of myself taken by Laverne of Hollywood. And that's something you could never possibly have thought of, unless we were sisters living under the same roof. What do you hear from Mom, sis? Can't be serious. You mean you intend giving him the same thing? That's what I mean. But where on earth did you get the idea and drop dead Walter Denton? Yes, yes. As a matter of fact, Walter did give me the idea. I've already had my picture taken. I was supposed to pick it up this afternoon, so I'm afraid you'll have to. Well, I'm supposed to pick mine up this afternoon, too. So I'm afraid you'll have to. Very well, darling. I see I'll have to convince you to back out the hard way. Here, you may look at the proof of the picture I'm giving him. Certainly, it must be pretty awful. Wow! I don't look too bad in a French bathing suit, do I, dear? I don't know. Where is the suit? I thought at first it was a speck of dust. Then, right, this isn't fair. Besides, Mr. Boynton would never display such a photograph, unless it had a calendar under it. Now, I have a feeling you'll love it, darling. Men being men. And now, what did you say you were getting him, dear? I don't know. I may just decide to hop up on his bureau myself. Well, it was quite a blow to hear that Ms. Enright was going to surprise Mr. Boynton with a photograph of herself at the same time I was. All morning, I thought of how to prevent it, but without success. So in order to be certain my lunch hour would be free for additional thought, at noon, I took every possible precaution to avoid passing our beloved principal's office. I walked down the back stairs, passed the women's lockers, through the cellar, then through the furnace room, up the stairs to the furnace room door, which faced the rear of the cafeteria. As I opened the door quickly, it landed against something soft. You can help me up now if you want to. Oh, my goodness, sir, I'm terribly sorry. But why were you shaving all the way back here? I wasn't shaving, Ms. Brooks. My face was just propelled into my custard pie. I'm being a tray of food. A tray of food? But I don't see any food. How could you? Thanks to you, I'm sitting in most of it. Brooks, was your mother ever frightened by a key stone? Cops! Mr. Conklin, I'm terribly sorry, but I had no idea. Don't ever mind what's done is done. I suppose I can brush most of this stuff off. I wanted to have a word with you anyway, but hardly under these circumstances. Now, to be brief, it has come to my attention that a few of my teachers are considering patronizing a certain notorious photographer in town. A notorious photographer? Yes. This man, Laverne, has been making his living up to now in Hollywood, taking cheesecake pictures of cinema starlets. Such a man can have nothing but a corrosive and demoralizing effect on the community. And I'm sure Mr. Stone, the head of the Board of Education, would concur in this opinion. How do you know, sir? I asked him. Therefore, henceforth, Mr. Laverne's studio will be considered out of bounds to Madison's personnel, and any teacher or pupil found on or near his premises will be ruthlessly dealt with. Is that clear, Miss Brooks? Yes, sir. Then I won't detain you from your lunch any longer, and please pass the word along to any teachers you meet in the cafeteria who have not already heard my edict. But aren't you coming in for lunch today, sir? With you in the same cafeteria, I wouldn't dare. Well, see you later then. Well, hello, Miss Brooks. Oh, hello, Mr. Boynton. I was hoping I'd run into you down here today. I wanted to treat you for lunch. Sort of celebrate the award I won. Well, Mr. Boynton, how thoughtful. Is that the lunch and the bundle you're carrying? And the bundle? Oh, no, no, Miss Brooks. That's some track pants for later. I intend giving my mother a photograph of myself by Laverne of Hollywood. That's why I'll need these track pants for my photograph. You're posing in just track pants? That's right. My mother always liked my athletic pictures at college, so I thought I'd pose for one like that now. I wanted to be a complete surprise. Don't we all? Well, aren't you taking an awful chance after Mr. Conklin's edict? Well, because Laverne's studio is out of bounds. I've thought about it, Miss Brooks, but since I'm already committed, I'll take my chances. When are you going down to have this photograph taken? I have an appointment with Laverne at four o'clock this afternoon. Four this afternoon? Yes. It's the only time he has opened for weeks. Some woman is supposed to come in to pick up her picture a little before that, and I'm supposed to follow this woman. I know. You were supposed to follow this woman for the past six years, but you sure picked a heck of a time to start. Miss Brooks, the only reason I came into your classroom was to explain what happened. The it's true, Laverne paid me 10%, but you see, I... Walter, it's a little late for explanations. By now, because of your recommendations, everyone in school is having his picture taken as a surprise gift for someone else. But worst of all, because of your galloping jaws, Mr. Conklin has declared Laverne out of bounds. Oh, I didn't mention him to Mr. Conklin. Laverne sent him a special calendar of his beautiful girls for Christmas, and Mr. Conklin tore it up. Are you certain? Of course I'm certain. I was in his office when he took it out of his wall safe this morning and tore it up. It figures. Well, perhaps I have misjudged you slightly, but my particular problem is to prevent Miss Enright from giving Mr. Boynton her picture. Well, I think I've got a way to eliminate Miss Enright. Quick, clean, and easy. Yeah, I thought of that, too, but she refuses to eat the cafeteria food. It's nothing like that, Miss Brooks, but I know she can't pay for her picture until the first of the month. And if you can convince Mr. Laverne that she's a bad credit risk when you pick up your picture, he may not give Miss Enright hers. Who's your study teacher, Lucretia Borgia? Say, that might work at that. Of course it will. Well, does that prove that your interests are uppermost in my mind, Miss Brooks? And that my plugs for Mr. Laverne were not only for personal gain, but also mere boyish enthusiasm. Walter, your boyish enthusiasm stopped when you traded your celluloid rattle to the baby next door for his gold teething ring. Later that afternoon, in spite of Mr. Conklin's edict, I was in Laverne's studio. When he showed me my portrait, I told him how happy I was with the result. Well, I'm delighted that you're pleased with my work, Miss Brooks, and I hope the others who are coming in this afternoon are equally satisfied. Uh, you're expecting Miss Enright, aren't you? Ah, yes. Do you know her? Mm-hmm. Oh, yes. Good old Skippy is a... Skippy? Oh, that's just a friendly little nickname that the loan company gave her. Ha, ha, ha. Good old Skippy. Always the first to skip a payment. She skips payments? Yes, but she's so wonderful. You know, she never has less than a half a dozen men chasing after her. Well, she must be quite popular. They're all from the collection agency. Oh. I think perhaps I'd better hold on to Miss Enright's picture until... Who's that? Oh, well, probably Mr. Boynton. He's also a teacher. Oh, I've got to get out of here. My picture is a surprise for him. He mustn't see me here. Quick, where can I hide? Where? Where can I hide? Oh, goodness. This is exciting. I feel just like we're being raided. Now, over there, Miss Brooks, that door leads to my dark room. You can stay there until I get rid of Mr. Boynton. That's it. Right through that door. Oh, Mr. Boynton, just in time, I see. Mr. Laverne, this picture you're taking of me is to be from my mother. And I'd like a relaxed, informal pose. Oh, nothing else but. Would you like one of those studious shots? You know, pipe in mouth and that dreamy look in the eyes. Oh, would you prefer to pose bare in a leopard skin? A leopard skin? Oh, you'd look just snazzy. Oh, no. No thanks, Mr. Laverne, what I want. Oh, goodness, that must be somebody else from the school. From the school? Oh, holy smoke, your place is out of bounds for us. Oh, I got to get out of here. Now, where can I hide? Where does that door lead to? The dark room, but I... Oh, hey, gosh, it's dark in here. Why, it'd be completely dark if it weren't for that dim purple light over the basin. Anybody got a slingshot? Oh, gosh, you startled me. What are you doing here? I just know that streetcar gag won't hold up. Well, you see, Mr. Barton, I was... Yeah, probably the same reason I'm here. Well, I think that's Mr. Conklin out there now, Miss Brooks. Undoubtedly checking up on us. Goodness knows how long we'll have to stay huddled together in this stuffy dark room, maybe half an hour. Or an hour, or two, or 12. Or maybe Mr. Laverne will forget about us and go on a vacation. We may be here quite a while. Well, I suppose we might as well do something while we're waiting for Mr. Conklin to leave. Yeah, we might as well, night and day. We might as well do that. We certainly might. What'd it be something for two people to do together in a dark room? Two guesses, and I can't stay puckered forever. I've got it. Of course. What did nothing of it before? The ideal thing. Yes, Mr. Barton? We'll develop some of Laverne's pictures for him. Bolton development, this is. Maybe I'd better take a peek outside and see what's going on. No, Mr. Boyne, let them lead their lives and we'll lead ours. Just one little peek. Miss Enright, if I let you have the picture, are you certain you can pay by the first of the month? Oh, absolutely. You may even get your money sooner. If Miss Brooks pays me the $300 she owes me. Miss Brooks owes you $300 skipping? Eh, Miss Enright? Yes, and I just hate to ask that poor bankrupt soul for the money. Just isn't like me to hit anyone when she's down. Not when you can kick her in the head instead. Heavens, Miss Enright. I had no idea, Miss Brooks was... Who's that? Probably someone from your school. Walter Denton has sent me a number. From the school? But this place is out of bounds. Oh, quick, where can I hide? Well, I'm having splendid success with the dark room. But, Miss Enright... Oh, my goodness, it's dark in here. Where's the light in this place? Oh! That's not a light switch you're turning, Miss Enright. That's my nose. Miss Brooks, what are you doing here? I was doing fine until you butted in. Hello, Miss Enright. Why, Mr. Boynton? Quiet. Quiet. I think I hear Mr. Conklin's voice. Mr. Conklin? Oh, if he finds me here, I'll be fired. Well, don't worry. There's a civil service exam for county dog catcher coming up. You and Bill... If we're all quiet for a minute, maybe I can take a look outside. No, no, Mr. Laverne. I look ridiculous posing in that leopard skin. But, Mr. Conklin, you said you wanted an unusual portrait of yourself, didn't you? Well, of course, but I prefer to pose in my own skin, if you don't mind. Very well, sir. Who's that? Who? Who? Who? Good grief, I must be seen in here. This place is out of bounds. Where can I hide? Where? Where? Where? Where does that door lead to? The fraternity room. There you go. Goodness, this door must be automatic. It opened up for me just as I approached it. I'm just lucky none of my faculty know I'm here because... Hello, Mr. Conklin. Hello, Miss Brooks. Have you ever heard about it? I could hardly bear to look any one of them. Hello, Mr. Conklin. Hello, Mr. Boyden, in the face. Besides, they'd have so much on me, I'd probably never live it down as long as it. Hello, Mr. Conklin. Hello, Miss Enright, as I remained at Madison. They'd hold it over me, do everything in their power to force me to do whatever they wanted. And there's nothing I could possibly... Hello, Miss Brooks, Mr. Boyden, Miss Enright! Then I haven't been talking to myself. No, but you soon will be. But what were all of you doing here? Just a moment, sir. I think I hear Mr. Stone's voice out there. Mr. Stone? What will I do? I'm ruined! What can I tell him if he finds me in here? We might tell him Mr. Laverne's hobby is collecting school teachers. Oh, that's the use. I couldn't stand the embarrassment of having Mr. Stone find me. I'm going out there like a man and give myself up. Oh, no, don't do it, sir. Mr. Stone! Good heaven! Holy catfish! Oh, I don't know. I think Mr. Stone looks cute in that leopard skin. Arthur Allsburg and Lou Derman with the music of Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Conklin was played by Gale Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, and Whitfield, Mary Jane Croft, and Frank Nelson. Be sure to be...