 We won't be needing that anymore. That didn't work. I thought I'd have a cute little intro. It didn't work out, all right? Next time, next time. Hello there, my beautiful, delightful, talented, intelligent, and lovely internet friends. Welcome back to my channel. Thank you so much for joining me here today for a video. I'm surprisingly a little bit emotional about. Like I thought that this would just be like a happy fun, like everything's great, like woo, kind of thing. And I'm actually, I'm so grateful to be able to film this video. I am so grateful to be able to honestly type the title that you see down below and I never thought that this would happen. Sincerely, I never thought that this would happen. I had an idea in my mind of what life was gonna be like for the rest of my life and that image has changed. That narrative of my future has shifted and I wanna share with you why and how I got here. Really important to note off the bat, I'm gonna be talking about medications in this video, be it for pain medication or an antidepressant or anxiety, anything along those lines. It is so important for me to convey to you at the start of this video that I think medications are a freaking fantastic tool. I chose to come off of them for reasons that you will see throughout the rest of this video, but there is no good or bad about being on medication or off medication if it works for you or if it doesn't. I see it as a useful solution for some people as a tool that works. It shouldn't have any judgment around it though, unfortunately it still does. And I didn't do anything about what I'm about to talk to you about without talking to my doctors first, which is also a very important point to make. So none of this is a recommendation. I am just sharing my own journey. So with that being said, if you wanna give this video a thumbs up as we dive in, it does help it get out to more people. If you wanna hit that subscribe button, we are almost to 150,000 subscribers, which blows my mind, that's such a huge number. Thank you each and every one of you for being here. If you wanna be a part of giving us to that 150 number, hit that subscribe button as we speak. All right, let's dive in and let's talk about this. I have been on some form of medication and by some form I generally mean a handful of pills every morning. Since I was 19 and the number of medications that I was on for a variety of different things continued to grow as time went on. One was for nightmares and PTSD, one was for anxiety, one was for depression. We added in a different anti-anxiety medication to take care of the extra anxiety that the anti-depressant gave me and I've been on opiate-based painkillers for just about a decade. Those do a thing or two to your body. They are fantastic tools, but can be kind of scary to be on for a variety of reasons. So I was on a number of different painkillers. I was on medications to help prevent the migraines that I was having to help treat the migraines when they came up and that was my life, right? And that's okay. My life was waking up every morning, counting out different pills, making sure I was taking the right things, making sure things were refilled on time, being concerned that insurance wasn't gonna improve something because occasionally I'd get threatening letters from insurance being like, we're not sure we're gonna cover this anymore. A really big concern I had is what if I was traveling and I lost it. What if I moved out of state and I couldn't find a doctor that would prescribe the same medication? Like what would happen to me? What would happen to my body? What would happen to my brain? It was this constant underlying anxiety of, I need these things to exist, to exist well. And you know what? That's okay. That's part of where things are right now. That's all right. But I was also really concerned about the long term effects of a number of the medications that I was taking. But as of today, actually as of a few days ago, I am off of every single medication that I have to take every day. Now that doesn't mean that I don't have medications on hand. I do have one that if my muscles are so tense, if I'm in so much pain I can't sleep, I can take that. I do have one for like panic attacks that I can take if something sets in. But everything that I have to carry with me at all times that I have to make sure I have every morning, I am off of. And I feel like that's not something to get super emotional about, but I am. In the past couple of weeks, I released a video talking about how I was trying to come off with my antidepressant. And that was the last like big one that I had to come off of. And I'll be honest, that absolutely terrified me because I remember how I felt before I went on this medication right here. It was terrifying. Looking back at specifically the moment, I've mentioned it before, but I remember sitting downstairs at my parents' house at my desk, staring at this gray wall, tears streaming down my face, feeling absolutely nothing, so numb, so dead, so ready to just like end it all, unable to feel anything or name anything. I couldn't pick up my phone. I couldn't move. I was exhausted and in so much pain and so not okay. And that was the moment that I was like, I'm not gonna make it. I know I'm not gonna make it unless I do something. And I'm grateful that in that moment I had enough presence of mind to call my doctor and talk about some options that we could try. And they were helpful. They really worked in conjunction with therapy and with focusing on what I needed to with my mental health and taking care of myself. Like they took me from waking up at like a negative eight where I didn't think I could make it to the end of the day. And I didn't think I could get out of bed and I couldn't freaking, everything was so heavy. They took me from that to like waking up at like a negative two of like, I'm not great but maybe, maybe I can try this day or even maybe waking up at a baseline of zero of like, all right, we'll see what this day can bring even. And I've been on that medication in particularly the antidepressant for seven years. I think it's seven years without any breaks. That's one that I never tried to come off of. I was always like, you know what? I don't wanna go back to feeling like I wanna die every day. I don't wanna go back to so dysfunctional. I can't exist. So let's not rock the boat. And with so many major life events happening between my house burning down, then medical issues and some other large life events and then losing my leg, I didn't want to throw another wrench into the mix. And so I decided to just stay on it and not question it cause things were working. So why would I do anything differently? But back in January, I sort of started on this new journey of exploring, just questioning things a little bit further. I read some books, none of which were remotely condemning of medication but looked into some actual studies about the long-term effectiveness of some of the things that I was taking and decided that I wanted to try to start coming off of some of the things that I had to take every day. I started with the lowest risk ones and that was okay. It went all right. And so I started moving up the pyramid in my brain and eventually a couple months ago came off of all of the pain medications I was on. That was a long process of slowly coming off of them. Also blew my mind that I could do that cause I'm still in physical pain every day. I still have chronic pain but it hasn't significantly increased. But this, this was the final boss to me. Like I said, I was very scared to do it. And the reason that I was doing this was to gather more information about myself and see what I really needed to be on. It wasn't my goal to like come off of everything just so I could say I did and muscle through things. It was my goal to see what I really needed to be taking and what I did not need to be taking, what was useful to me, what was still a good tool and what had my body no longer had a need for. And as of today, I have been off my anti-depressant entirely. There was a tapering process of coming off it slowly but I had been off of it entirely for a few days now and I feel the same. I'm not fixed. I'm gonna put that in big quotes. I'm not fixed. I'm not fantastic. I'm not dealing with absolutely no depression. It's still there, it comes and it visits and I do my best to use the tools that I have to do with it but I am not in a significantly worse spot than I was. In fact, I'd say I'm exactly the same as when I was on it. I was talking to my therapist the other day because I recently resumed therapy. I'll talk about that in another video. And something that she mentioned when it comes to coming off of medications is that it gives us more information, right? It tells us what we really do need to be taking and what our true baseline is and what's gonna be helpful to that. And I was interested in going through that journey of kind of curiosity of what works for me, what doesn't work for me, what could I try instead that may have less long-term consequences. Again, I'm gonna just drive this point home way too hard. I'm gonna beat a dead horse theoretically in this video. But if this was something that was benefiting me, if this was something that was keeping me farther away from the edge, that was giving me what I needed to be able to work through things, to be able to process and move forward, I would stay on it. There's nothing bad about being on medications on like a judgment or a moral level, absolutely nothing. That medication helped stabilize me at a time in my life when I was having trouble breathing to the next moment. It helped bring me up just enough that I could begin dealing with some of the deeper issues that was driving a lot of the depression and the troubles that I was having. I think that's one of the most misunderstood things about medications, at least from where I came from, that they aren't meant to necessarily be permanent things in your life. When you are going through something significant when it comes to mental health, it can be really good to talk to your doctor about taking antidepressant or if anxiety is the issue. Talk about anti-anxiety medication if that's something that you think could benefit you, if that's something you're open to because it can help remove some of the stumbling block to getting better, to getting to a better place and that's absolutely what this did for me. It brought me up just enough that I could get out of bed and go to that doctor's appointment, that I could go see my therapist, that I could talk about harder things as time went on and that was such a gift. That was something that was so useful to me. I just wasn't sure that I needed it anymore and I'm gonna continue waiting it out and monitoring things, paying attention to what I'm feeling and why I might be feeling it, talking to my therapist, talking to my doctor. There are no commitments here, right? I don't have to stay off medication if I need it, if it's benefiting me but what it looks like right now is that these things were not benefiting me. I had a conversation with a friend a long time ago. We both talked about wanting to try to come off of our antidepressants but their comment was, I would if I had the time and the energy to put into self-care so I could actually do that, right? Because you take away one tool depending on how your body responds. You might need to invest in other tools in your life and that's definitely been the case for me. For me that looked like going back to therapy that's looked like journaling a little bit more, getting outside more because that's something that personally benefits me and brings me life, trying to stay actively involved with the people around me and not isolate myself because that's like my number one coping mechanism is just to disappear. It's really hard for me not to disappear but I'm working on it guys, I'm working on it. So even before attempting to come off of this medication I was investing in those things that I knew were helpful to my mental health that helped stabilize me and center me and bring me to a better place and helped me work through feelings and process emotions and things like that. And then a couple of months ago I was like, you know what, I think I could find the time. I think I could muster the energy to invest in the things for myself that I need to invest in to give this a shot. I think it's time, I think I'm ready for it. I didn't rush myself in that process. If this is something you're considering, I don't know about you but I always have this weird tendency when I have an idea to be like, let's do it, let's pump it out right now, let's get it done. Yeah, I'm gonna come off of everything, right? But that's not always a good idea. In fact, rarely is that a good idea. Generally things do better if you take some planning and definitely precaution while doing so. And presently that seems to have really paid off and be a really beneficial thing. Now, I do wanna give a couple pieces of advice from what I've learned through this process. If they seem like they resonate with you, fantastic. If they don't, fantastic as well. But I think the number one thing that I could recommend if this is something you have been considering doing under doctor's supervision is make sure that you are continuing to invest in the things that bring you life. Some kind of life, some kind of fulfillment or happiness or joy or release. Like I said, for me, those things have been very intentionally trying to stay connected with people in my life, trying to have some kind of community, trying to get outside, spend time with my animals, spend time with my husband, get up on time, get enough sleep. A lot of little things, drink a little bit less caffeine, attempt to eat better, that's not going so well but I'm working on it. Another huge thing that has been really beneficial to me is to remove unnecessary stresses, unnecessary commitments. I've been trying to say no to more things and when something isn't working for me instead of just dealing with it or stuffing it down, voice it, talk about it. That's hard for me, that's hard for a lot of people but it can be very beneficial and I've seen good things in my life come because of that. My life is still stressful, all of our lives are stressful and I'm working on how to best manage that. But taking the time, even if it's inconvenient, even if it's just a few minutes a day to do those things that I know are good for me, even if I don't feel like it on that day has been a huge piece in being able to get to this point. I was really frightened and I was really sort of disappointed in myself when I first went on my anti-depressant that it meant that I just couldn't deal with life or I just couldn't handle it and everyone else could and look at everyone else doing a great job of dealing with all their stuff and I just couldn't muscle through it, I just couldn't muscle through the depression and you know what? Sometimes you can't just muscle through depression. Sometimes you need help and for me that help came in a variety of different forms and this was one tool that assisted me along the way. I don't judge myself for that at all anymore. I've never judged anyone for that because there's no reason to. Like we don't judge our dads when they're in the garage using a wrench to screw something in or to get something out because it's the best tool for the job. Sometimes medications are the best tool for the job. Sometimes they enable you to be able to work through deeper underlying things that can't be accessed otherwise. Sometimes they allow you to freaking get up in the morning when you would not have been able to otherwise. There's no shame or guilt or blame in trying and using different tools in your journey and this is one that's been very helpful to me but it is no longer something that is currently serving me to my knowledge. If you're considering coming off of a medication because you think it could be beneficial to you, I've tried to approach this as not a good thing or a bad thing as just additional information, right? Okay, so if I'm not on any medications if I get to that point, how do I feel? What's that new baseline without chemical intervention? Is it okay if they're a part of my life? Absolutely. Do I prefer it? No, I prefer not to be on things I don't have to be on. And so I've tried to approach it with kind of curiosity of like, okay, I'm curious what information coming off of this would give me and what am I gonna do with that information? Do I still wanna stay on it after that because it's more beneficial to me? Okay, cool. Trying to approach this sort of a change with as little judgment as possible towards myself, challenging but also I think very important. It really is weird to like wake up in the morning and not have to like count out everything from all of these different bottles because that was my life for a very long time. I still find myself going downstairs to the place where I would keep things and being like, nope, I actually don't need to do anything here today. I hope you understand that whether you're considering coming off of something or going on to something, that's great. Do it with information, do it with people around you, do it with professionals, but there's no, there's never any, any, any judgment or there shouldn't be in going on a medication that benefits you or coming off of one that you're not sure benefits you anymore. Thank you so much for listening to my story. Listening is something that is very, very healing to me. Either it's listening to another person or having my story listened to and you taking the time to listen to my story means a lot to me. It really touches me and I really appreciate your time here with me today. You could be anywhere in the world doing anything and you chose to hang out with me for a few minutes and listen to what I had to say. Thank you. Thank you to my patrons over on Patreon who make this channel sincerely possible. I cannot express to you how grateful I am for your continued support. If being a patron, which means being someone who's financially helping to support this channel is something that's interesting to you. There are a variety of tier levels available to you from five bucks a month and beyond. And in return, you get a variety of different things. I'll leave a link for Patreon up here and also in the description down below if you feel like checking that out. Again, thank you so much for spending your time here with me today. I hope you're hanging in there. I hope you're taking care of yourself. You are so very worth it. Whether or not you feel like it, I promise you are. I love you guys, I'm thinking about you and I will see you in the next video. Bye guys. 🎵 Have you heard from the sky all about? 🎵