 Hello, my name is Jeremiah Sumerian and welcome to harsh critique today we're going to go over a draft by a fellow called Justin Helms who left a comment on one of my videos with a draft that They wanted me to look at so let's get started item number scp blank Object class safe. I'm not gonna make a point about that. I guess I am gonna make a point about this because I'm talking about it I'm not gonna make a big deal out of it because scp blank is such a weird way to do it I mean you could just put xxxx like most people do or I Don't know anything else scp blank is to be under constant surveillance from mtf papa 11 codename Timogen Undercover foundation personnel are to maintain the appearance of construction workers and inspectors with the cumbers story of the Building being renovated to keep the public at bay. First of all, we're gonna stop right here You've already screwed up with the clinical tone. Now some of this is okay Are to maintain the appearance of construction workers is great But using the phrase cover story I mean when you use the phrase cover story that generally indicates that there's I don't know a story When you just say that the cover story is the building is being renovated That's not a story really. That's just an excuse and by the way your special containment procedure should indicate some sort of long-term solution renovation can keep people at bay for several years maybe but you're not gonna keep the public at bay for Much longer than that without them going. Why is this still being renovated? You're actually gonna increase people's interest in looking at this fucking site more than you're going to decrease it. So Think of a better solution to this any individual who breaches containment of scp blank is to be detained and oh my god administered an amnestic of appropriate strength as determined by mtf papa 11's captain or the highest ranking Foundation personnel on site amnestics are not a catch-all solution to every problem you have and in fact They kind of ruin a lot of the possible consequences you can come up with if you can lie to people and tell them that a building is being Renovated and they should keep out and someone breaches containment and comes in anyway Tell them another lie Jesus Christ You don't have to apply the Neuralizer to their fucking brain and scramble it Just a crutch is all amnestics have become a crutch for poor storytelling SCP blank is a market in the outskirts of Alon Bator Mongolia if an inner truth on the shelf There's 43.7% likelihood How many tests do you have to run to get down to a points to to a tenth of at least 1,000 no you you hold on 47.43.7 would require you to do Thousands of tests not just 1,000 what oh, well, this is even worse. So Okay, there's a 43.7% likelihood that they'll instantly turn into a duplicate of the object They picked up if the item features any form of text or complex pattern There's on additional 87.5% chance that a message from the individual will be Man see okay. Yeah. Oh, man. You know how much testing you have to do these kinds of numbers Wow And not just not just thousands to get 43.7% of those Of the thousands of tests you did to get that number you also had to do Thousands they're literally needed to be thousands more successful tests Here they actually got turned into a duplicate of the item They picked up in order to get that 87.5% chance that those people And it had to be thousands of tests specifically involving items with text or complex designs oh My god Wow Thousands of people they threw Thousands tens maybe even tens of to get these kinds of exact numbers for the like the down the line You had to throw tens of thousands of individuals that doesn't turn into objects. Oh Boy, I Don't hope I don't have to explain how fucking stupid that is but you know, that's pretty fucking stupid Ah Didn't I'm scp blank dash one discovery on a problem? Oh No, oh Black boxes everywhere Why just why I see the black one here and I go why on June 14 2007 Agent Ben Williams was vacation in the city of Alon Bator with his brother Kellen at approximately 1400 hours Kellen when approximately 1400 hours Kellen went into a market to purchase a black box black box Brand soft drink. It's two words one words longer than the other word I'm sure if I really wanted to I could figure out what this is But I don't fucking care and neither would the foundation. What does it matter what the brand was? Well agent Williams stayed outside after approximately 15 minutes agent Williams began to even you didn't capitalize agent that time But you capitalized it last time. I'm not entirely sure you need to capitalize agent William. I know it's a title So yeah, you capitalize the a an agent Agent Williams began to grow impatient when it said to hurry to hurry his brother my clinical tone problems only to see two Black box black box bottles on the ground next to his brother sunglasses didn't change his sunglasses left them up behind How very cinematic of you when agent William was picked up the bottle instead of the name on the soft drink Instead of the name of the soft drink the bottle displayed the words been where am I can you see me? I feel wet. Where am I been? Wait, hold on a second Vacationing in Alon Bator Mongolia Suddenly it just hit me that this is like the worst Sir I'd like to take a vacation next week sure out of curiosity. Where are you going? You don't have to tell me But you know, where are you going? Well, I was thinking I was gonna go visit the biggest city in Mongolia Okay Any particular reason? Oh, you know, it's a it's a good tourist place tourist trap Alon Bator Mongolia the tourist trap of central North Asia. Oh my god. Oh Wow, well, it's almost in the it's almost in Siberia. That's why it's such a great place to vacation Almost in Siberia not quite in Siberia Let's look at the testing logs. Oh my god I'm not gonna go in. I'm not gonna say these numbers. I'll say it once subject d84563 Procedure the D-class. He didn't say the D-class. He said D. Whatever instructed inner SCP blank and pick up one long black box brand soft drink Results it transformed into a second bottle of black box brand soft drink with the phrase is this what hell is like? That's real subtle. Thanks I love it when people just smack the message of They have a message. It's very important that you understand this message and so make sure that you understand it I'm gonna smack you upside the head with it, motherfucker No way. I would like I do I would significant I would not like to put it in this in a way that makes it seem realistic or I Don't know like the reader is discovering something interesting. No, I'm going to make sure Make it clear that they understand that a writer wrote this and if that writer was me This what hell is like fuck you It seems the analysis it seems to mark itself rather than the original bottle is anomalous recommend SCP blank be redefined due to this new information a Different D-class and started in another new touch one apple as to the vicinity and return to regular duties Simply may it's not enough to trigger the anomalous effect. Oh, so they got to pick it up extraneous testing logs emitted for brevity Please see document SCP blank C 47 for a full list of tests extraneous testing laws emitted for brevity please see document SCP blank C-47 for a full list of tests Subject on man testing drone procedures subject entering blank. I'm sorry subject injured SCP blank and picked up one Black box brand a bag of chips. These are really long black boxes to so that whatever's behind it is not the right word I don't think Like they can't all be this long, right? Maybe good. I don't know Anyway drone exit if it's any underwent inspection. No negative effects discovered effects Approximately 43.7% of the time the effect will be triggered and that's it There's literally all of it. There's a little note at the bottom here for me Let's take a look at it. I'll say what they had the fire fourth wall break. I'm thinking about changing the location somewhere more touristy Well, that's something at least you understand that some city in northern Mongolia isn't a great choice And possibly changing from Adam have a certain percentage chance to change to only wait Let's understand what they're saying here changing it from any item having a certain percentage chance to change a victim to only the highest Quality item, so if you try to take the best for yourself you some okay, like oh, no, you got greedy. Okay, fuck it You have feedback on that idea. That's not what we're doing right here I'm critiquing the draft like you have some interest like you have I mean there's some interesting ideas in here But seriously off like overall, you know what your problem in your draft is that it doesn't go anywhere It doesn't do anything. There's nothing. There's no there there like you're like You don't have a story that draws the reader in you know I have a story that makes me want to know what the hell is gonna happen next and Even if you did have something at the end that was worth my time I can't believe that's the end of it. It's just like it's a place It's a market worth you pick up stuff and it turns you into the stuff Test logs three different test logs all of them literally just confirming information you already had in the description And the description is one paragraph long with again Incredible amounts of people must have been thrown at this thing These numbers I'm still stuck on that because it's so Rindiculous 43.7% likelihood you're down to a point to a tenth of a percent of Certainty on two different numbers first one doesn't even give you Just just no just no there's no story here the end and you don't have to have a story I always say there's no story here or whatever, but Obviously you've got an idea in mind. Oh, well, okay, there is a story here some SCP agent went on vacation in northern Mongolia and His brother got turned into a bottle of Some drink because he picked up a bottle and that's it. That's your story Man I'll give you this For free because you know what this is fucking terrible your story Very well could be in agent Ben Williams the guy whose brother was disappeared Trying to get his brother back Follow him in the testing logs follow him This is a very very simple piece of advice. It's very easy To fix most issues with a boring draft if you pick out someone and you have a character pick out someone give them a motivation and then Follow them throughout your SCP and show them either getting or not getting what they want That's the thing build a character focus on the character and you will solve half of your problems No, I don't know that you can solve all your problems because the writing here is terrible, but you can solve some of them If you liked it, please hit the subscribe button and If you want to see more content like this Head on over to my patreon at patreon.com Ford slash de Samaritan like all the people on the screen right now These people have pledged and made sure that this kind of content keeps getting made and if you'd like to have your draft Harsh critiqued leave a comment down below I will have a pinned comment at the top of the comment section asking for drafts reply with a sandbox draft I don't accept drafts that aren't in a sandbox anymore. So make sure you actually put it in a sandbox first and Most of all, thank you for watching