 We're only here for PDQ gasoline. We're in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go to the Aberdeen Costello show. Yes, it's the new transcribed Aberdeen Costello show. With a new singing discovery, Susan Miller and Maddie Maldey-Carkins, run yours truly, Michael Roy. So hold on to your chair, folks, for here they are. But Aberdeen, Luke Costello! Where have you been? I was sitting in the front row at the product theater. Why were you sitting in the front row? Well, they wouldn't let me sit on a stage. You know, I was walking down here to the studio, and a fella was following me with a shotgun. So I run and he runs up one street and down another. Well, he didn't shoot you with a shotgun. No, it turned out alright. He was on his way to a wedding. Enough of this silliness. Do you know that this is National Dog Week Room? Oh, sure. And I celebrate all those weeks. National Apple Week. I went out and I had an apple. National Dollar Week. I went out and I had a donut. National Baby Week. I went out. By the way, didn't I see an ad in the paper this morning where you wanted the secretary to answer your fan mail? Yes. I put in an ad. Did you get any answers? Yes. A beautiful redhead walks into my patio, and I started interviewing. After a few questions, I didn't waste any time. I started chasing her around the barbecue. Sounds great. Why can't you hire her? Hire her. I couldn't even catch her. That thing with Susan Miller, didn't he just say that? And what about that little brunette you were at the lady was last night with? Oh, I lost her to an Irishman. On account of incompatibility. Incompatibility? Yes. We were sitting in a living room, in incompatence, and he had more ability. No. You're such an idiot. Oh, it's an old recipe that's been in my family for years. Speaking of your family, how does Uncle Michael look? Oh, fine, fine. Fine? Fine. Aunt Mary's presented him with a baby boy, New Year's. The new baby was such a shock to him that he quit smoking. He used to be a cane smoker. He gave up cigarettes, eh? Now, he just smoked cigarettes, he smoked chains. Now, wait. Relax and listen a minute. My friend here has got something interesting to say. Run, get your drink of water, Junior. This announcement is for independent PDQ dealers only. Ma'am, as you know, PDQ is now beginning their umpteenth annual Keep the Wind Shield Clean. Somebody might want to look through it, campaign, which will last throughout 1948. The famous PDQ anti-slip technique of washing windshields without drowning the occupant of the car came to a high degree of perfection last season, and we will continue to use this method at all stations in all areas. We have some gratifying reports from last year's 52 consecutive PDQ wiper windshield week week, and through your efforts, the approximately 8 million motorists discovered what was on the other side of their windshields for the first time. They found it quite interesting. Now, what are you meant to get behind our two specials? The split-second frontal quick clean for motorists in a hurry, and our peachy-keen, super-special, super-sonic all-around wiper late model pseudo-beggars. Remember the PDQ slogan, men, anyone caught driving into a PDQ station has gone to get his one-shear wife. We just took a minute for a mighty important message. Now a minute for some mighty good music. Matty Malmick and his orchestra play, the best things in life. Well, I took a walk down Hollywood Boulevard, Abbott, and just an average passenger's department store of all the girls in the window winked at me. Those are not girls in that window. They're dummies. Dummies? They ain't so dumb. They were all wearing me coats. What was your aunt May doing out there? Will you answer my questions? What was your aunt May doing out on Sunset Boulevard this morning, banging the pavement with a big sledgehammer? Well, she and my uncle Mike had a fight, and he told her to hit the road. I never happened to get married. Well, one night, Uncle Mike proposed to her. He didn't have an engagement ring, so he slipped a cigar ban on her finger. Where'd he get the cigar ban? Aunt May was smoking at the time. Coachella, why is this none of your family or none of your relatives ever get along? Well, they all get along, Abbott. Why, my aunt Eva's the oldest married woman in Baltimore. She's been married 50 years. Has she ever been separated from her husband? Only once. That's fine. How long? 50 years. Oh, Uncle Jim is home playing jack-o'-lanterns. How does he play jack-o'-lanterns? He just sits in the window and gets lit up. I have to work. He wants $5,000 on the People of Funny Show. And he's split with my aunt Alma. What's your aunt Alma going to do with her share? What's here? I said he's split with her. He left town with the money. I bet your aunt Alma feels bad about it, doesn't she? Yes, and Uncle Jim lives. She can't eat. She can't sleep. She can't go to the movies. Why? She ain't got no money. I was right. You and your whole family are morons. Watch out what you say about us morons, Abbott. We're organized now. Hello. I want to thank you for that lovely Christmas gift you sent me. It was the most wonderful game I ever played. Game? I didn't send you any games. I was an autographed picture of myself. How do you like that? All night long, my wife and I set up trying to pin a tail on it. His mother was jealous of all the other mothers. Why? They had children. He's a pretty good actor, Castello. Last week, he was on Information Bleed. Yes, and they couldn't guess what he was. I don't know who tore all the girl's pictures out of my new Esquire magazine, do you? I could have had it, but I did it by mistake. Mistake? Yes. I tore it with a serious rope of cantaloupe. I was sending him my order. Castello, the only way to get a girl is by mail is to join a lonely heart club. I did that once. I sent my picture in the lonely heart club and they sent it back with a note. And what does an old say? We're not that lonely. Castello, here are our wolves. Do you know what a wolf is? Sure. A wolf is an animal on two legs that's got a pair of eyes on two other legs. This girl is getting married. I'll go to Washington and get Margaret Truman to sing. I'll have her sing, Oh, Promise Me, at your wedding. Okay. While you're at it, see if we can get Congress to promise something too. Castello, no girl would have you. You're too fast. You'll never get a beautiful girl with your shape. Who wants a girl with my shape? I watched Susan Miller. After the show last week, Susan kissed me. You did? Yes. What kind of a kiss did she give you? Was it an assistantly kiss, a friendly kiss, or a real sweetheart kiss? I don't know. Which is the one where she has to help you down off the channel air when it's all over? Susan Miller! Susan, you look so pretty tonight. What makes you so beautiful? Well, Castello, you know the old saying. Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. The ones I get are garlic and hash and your father's old mustaches. Susan, don't pay any attention to this D-O-O-B. Oh, that's a good one. I bet he doesn't even know what D-O-O-B means. I do so. It's D-O, spelled forward, backwards, and sideways. Castello, why don't you stop forcing your attention on Susan? She's not for you. She's on the upper crust. And you're the lower crust. We could make beautiful pies together. Castello, Susan is not your type. I will be more suited to her. I have finesse. I'm hoiky-toiky. Havoc, you may be hoiky, but you'll never see Toitie again. How did you make City on Castello, Susan? Go out to dinner with him tonight. I will not. Last time I went to a restaurant with him, there was some silverware missing, and the cashier wanted to search me. But Susan, you're not the type to steal silverware. That's what I told the cashier. But she said if I would walk out of the restaurant with Castello, I'd walk out with anything. Susan, if you don't go out with me tonight, I'll disappear. And tomorrow morning the police will be dragging the Los Angeles River from my party. But they won't find me. Why? I'll be home in bed. Castello, you'd better be nice to Susan Miller. She's moving into your boarding house today, and she's taking the room directly above you. She's going to be a room 215, and I'm in 115? That's right. Have a seat. What floor? I want them to remove my ceiling. Hey, will Susan be in that room all the time? Well, you know Susan. She goes in and out. Did you notice that too, Evan? Oh, this is wonderful. The woman I love living right upstairs. Oh, stop, Castello. You're not in love with Susan. She's just a passing fancy. Well, if I never passed up, it is anything that fancy. She should like the room. She gets bored with it. Well, I'm glad. She gets bored with her room. If she gets bored with the room, why does she live in the first place? Oh, she's not bored with her room. She's very happy. You just said that she gets bored with the room. That's right. Well, she's getting all that lumber. I'm talking about lumber. I'm talking about board. Susan eats her board. Who feeds her all these boards? The landlady. The landlady, of course. Susan made arrangements with the landlady to eat her board. Three times a day, 30 days a month. But I'm moving out of that place. Why? That Susan Miller is going to eat me out of house and home. What are you getting so excited about? What business is it of yours, what she does to her room? I'll make it my business, brother. Her floor happens to be my ceiling. I don't mind you knocking the props out from under me every week, but I ain't going to let that Susan Miller eat the room from over my head. There's no sense getting yourself into a frenzy. What? A what? Frenzy. Frenzy. I'm not taking Frenzy's with nobody. Wait a minute. I'll wait a minute, everybody. I'll try to explain. What? By giving you an example. Now, in your room, the plaster is all cracked. So you have a floor to your ceiling. I got a floor on my ceiling. Exactly. How do you like that? I've been living upside down for six years. How do I find out? Costella, you're all mixed up. How do you get so dappy? Because I've been living upside down for six years. What's your excuse? Now, wait a minute. How do you like walking around on your head? I'm not walking around on my head, neither are you. I'm only trying to tell you that Susan's room is perfect. It has no floor. And she's happy because she gets bored with the room. Here we go again. The reason she likes to get bored with the room is because she gets so hungry after a busy day at the studio that she rushes home and eats like a beaver. Now, we've got her eating beaver board. She does not eat beaver board. You just said she eats a board like a beaver. I said she eats like a beaver. What is she? What does she eat like a beaver? Her board. I expect him again. All right. Susan eats her board three times a day. She starts with breakfast. I suppose for breakfast, she has a couple of soft-boiled singles. No, no, wait. If you will excuse me, Mr. Rabbit, I've got to run over and nail the sign of Susan Miller's door to warn other rumors. What kind of a sign? What kind of a sign again? Beware! Susan Miller, girl, termite. Click him and I'll ask folks after a few comments on this subject. Ladies and gentlemen, during the intermission, I will pass among you with the incredible true facts about PDQ compounded motor oil. For here is an oil of such wonder-working magic that the management guarantees not one, not two, not three or four, but five surprise prizes in each and every quarter of PDQ compounded motor oil. First, the detergent, the miracle ingredient that cleans away old carbon, actually brightens, shines, and mutifies the motor as you drive. Two, the anti-formant inhibits dangerous home and lava, reduces the dreaded air bubble in the oil line. Third, the carbon inhibitor minimizes the catastrophic consequences of the oxidation, the pain of all internal combustion engines. Fourth, anti-acid. Scientifically neutralizes the dangerous acidity of hydrocarbonic combustion, which running rampant. Mars, the pale restriction of costly bearings. Last but not least, PDQ compounded motor oil contains the viscosity index regulator. And of course you know what that means. For your convenience, PDQ compounded motor oil is sold during the performance and afterwards at all PDQ service stations. And now, Abbott and Costello continue. Abbott and Costello singing star Susan Miller, singing the perennial favorite, Sometimes I'm Happy. Sometimes I'm blue. My disposition depends on you. I never mind because I love you. That's how I'm blue. My disposition depends on you. I never mind just as long as I see you. Sometimes I love you. But when I hate you, it's because I love you. You couldn't, Abbott. When you got there, it was over. You went into a family of 14. And none of them are working. 14 people in one room? How do they pay the rent? They take in boarders. I'm going to move out of there myself, Abbott. I'm getting sick of having a room with an adjoining. Adjoining what? I don't know. I can never get the other door open. You had any sense you'd buy an apartment building? Invest your money now. Who knows? Tomorrow your dollar may be worth 10 cents. Abbott, do you really think the value of the dollar is going to go up? Costello, if you owned an apartment house, who would you rent to? Well, let me see. Well, I'd rent one apartment to a lawyer. Why? That's to make sure I get the problem. I'll be your landlord. You've got to be tough. If the man on the first floor don't pay his rent, you squeeze it out of him. I can't do that. That's not me. Well, if the man on the second floor can't pay his rent, you squeeze it out of him. That's not me. If that gorgeous redhead can't pay a rent, that's me! That's me! That's me! I got rent in an apartment of Susan Miller right across the court for mine. Then I could see her morning, noon, and night. What makes you so sure you'll see so much of her? The apartment I rent her won't have any window sheets. Come on, Costello. Let's go to the real estate broker and see if we can buy you an apartment house. So, you want to buy an apartment, huh, Costello? Well, wet me workin' my whiskey. Here's a small apartment over a gawaz. It has a lovely living room, a gorgeous bedroom, and a nice living room. It's a nice living room. It's over a gawaz. It has a lovely living room, a gorgeous bedroom, and the bathroom is out of this world. Uh, ain't that a little incoherent? Well, how does this sound to you? A Swiss choway. Swiss architecture. Swiss furniture. Sounds pretty cheesy to me. Maybe it's a new Costello or a new house. Nothing to do with it. I'm makin' all of them new ones out of past bricks. What a past brick. Every time it gets a little dewy, they drop out. My uncle Mike built an apartment next to the zoo. He's so near-sighted, he started nailin' zebras over the windows. Nail zebras over the windows? Yes, he thought they were on him. Costello, your uncle Mike knows nothing about building and neither do you. I do, sir. What's the first thing you do in building a house? I call up the corset shop. The bill of house? You call a corset shop? Sure, well, you can get my foundation. Mr. Broker, don't you have an apartment house? That's a real bargain. Oh, I got just a house for you, Costello. Jane Watter was on one side of it. Who lives on the other side? Who cares? I'll take it. Oh, come on, Costello. Tell ya dummy, you bought this apartment house to get a place to live, and there isn't a vacancy in the building. You oughta have your brains examined. I did have it. I had my brains examined at Harveston. What do they say? I don't know. I haven't got them back yet. Look, Costello, you're the landlord of this building, and you have a right to an apartment. Now go to that door and tell the tenant to move. Act tough. Tough? Well, tough? I'll throw him out. I'm the little landlord, and I'm here to ask you... Wait a minute till I finish talking to my wife. Emma, I told you a thousand times. I like parsley on my face, and you know what that means. Our landlord, what would you... I don't want him in the pot water. I don't want to talk to you. My man, you're dealing with what, Abbott, now? I told you I could go out of the house and I can get some fresh air. No pot water. That's that way to me. Abbott, there's only one reason I didn't let him have it. What's that? I haven't got it. And this time before, make him get out. Go ahead, knock on the door. Look at the sweater she's wearing. Ah, ah, ah, Costello. Don't let her pull the wool over your eyes. She's pulling my eyes over the wool. What can I do for you, Anna? Well, what did you have in mind? Some way to make her move. I got it. I'll tickle her. You're very sweet, but Costello's in the landlord, and he needs your apartment, so you'll have to move. Oh, thank you, Costello. I've lived here for five years. Look, look, look. I'll decorate this place myself. There's a part of me in every room. There's a part of me in the living room. There's a part of me in the dining room. There's a part of me in the kitchen. I hope you didn't misplace anything. Parts like yours are still hard to guess. She's got to abandon the apartment. Okay. She's got to have a band in the apartment. You've got to abandon the apartment. That means you've got to... Costello, I said a band in the apartment. Tell her she's got to get... she's got to leave. Well, okay. Miss, you'll have to be out of here in eight hours. Well, all right, if you think so. And now, handsome, may I kiss you good-bye? I'll give you twenty-four hours. Well, then I'll say it. Remember now, you've got to leave within ten days. If you ain't out of here by nineteen sixty-three, there's going to be trouble. We'll be here all week. See you for him. Tell him to get out. Miss, there's only one thing I want to say to you. Oh, wait till I say goodbye to my brother. Who's your brother? The big tough guy in the next apartment. Now, what were you going to say to Costello? Are you sure you're getting enough hot water? Don't go away, folks. Our stars will be back. But first, they'd like you to listen to this. That's not neat about the book. PDQ would really love to have more independent dealers selling our gasoline, but we just can't throw the gates wide open, for we feel that we must have a very special kind of a guy pumping our gas. So this announcement is intended primarily for good experienced independent dealers who've thought about getting on the PDQ team. How is it like this? If you've reached a point where you'd like to be selling gas you can be proud of both for quality and reputation. If you've seen motorists slow down at your station but drive on because they've never heard of that stuff you're pumping, then PDQ, best known and most respected name among the independent, is the brand name for you. On the other hand, if you're just a cog in a vast machine and getting tired of getting memos on how to park your hair and would like to run your own business, then PDQ is the deal for you. PDQ dealers are independent dealers running their own business, staking their own claim for business success on good products, well advertised, and good service well performed. And now, Abbott and Costello. Abbott and Costello was the final word. Costello and Kate, some of our listeners haven't heard the news. Why don't you tell them about our Saturday morning kid show? Folks, Abbott and I are doing a special kid show every Saturday morning over this network featuring the Luke Costello Junior Youth Foundation Award. Each week a boy or girl is selected by you, the listeners, and Abbott and I award them with a scholarship and over $1,000 in cash and valuable prizes. Now wait a minute, we also have guest stars and a big kid quiz game. So be sure to listen, kid, and remember to listen too for our regular show every Wednesday night. All right, folks, good night everybody. Good night, everybody. Tonight at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Fanda and featuring Susan Miller and Maddie Malnick Orchestra.