 So today we're gonna talk about masculine energy and if that scares men off when we're talking about dating, mating, or relating. So Marie, what are your thoughts on masculine and feminine energy? To me, it implies traditional 1950s roles. Really? Yeah. Okay. Kind of. So can I tell you that that's not what the, in the dating coaching world, what that really means? Well, I'm not in the dating coaching world. Okay. So why I'm bringing this up is because in the dating world, there's a lot of, and this is traditionally female coaches and folks, I just wanna be candid. I have a judgment about this. I have an opinion about this and we're gonna talk about it, how it relates and how it could affect your dating experiences if it's because it's misunderstood. So to me, masculine basically means doing. When somebody's doing something, they're making effort in their lives, they're in their masculine. So like when people build homes or women take care of children, they're in their masculine energy. Women taking care of children, they're in their masculine energy? Yeah. Now we oftentimes associate nurturing as feminine. Okay. Going back to what you said, that is traditionally a female role, but the energy behind that, the doing is actually masculine. Okay. Feminine is about receiving. So what's the joke? I'm good at that. Okay. By the way, folks, we tease each other a lot. So what's the little joke I always say about feminine energy? Oh, women sitting back in their feminine energy and give me, give me, give me. Yeah, or let a man claim you, right? So why I wanna dive into this topic today because there's so much misconception with the rhetoric being told to women out there and I wanna basically set the record straight. Okay. First off, again, I said, masculine is doing and feminine is receiving. So a lot of times women are criticized for being in their masculine energy for the following types of things. I put together a list for everyone, okay? But it's really not just about being masculine. It's about coming off hard. It's coming off disinterested. When a woman, like playing hard to get is disinterested, that's claiming to be masculine energy as an example versus feminine energy supposed to be light and receptive and you wear sexy clothes and all that kind of stuff, which by the way, there's nothing wrong with sexy clothes. But here's some examples. I actually took this from another dating coaches site. I wanna talk about it. For example, they claim the following is masculine energy. I don't need you energy. I don't need you. Do you believe that really is? I think that, you know, we go back to the woman's movement and all that. I think it went, the pendulum, I think, went a little bit too far and a lot of women, I think, do believe that they put off that energy that I don't need you, don't need a man. I can take care of myself. And although that makes, there's nothing wrong. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with being able to take, I'm sorry, I'm agreeing with you here. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just, it depends on how it's presented. Ah, so it's the tone because I'm in favor of every woman being empowered, okay? Not to have, we talked about this a moment ago about traditional gender roles, right? You're, you have two children. Two, you're two- Well, two married children. Two married children. And they are in relationship with two strong women. Unbelievably strong women. And they do not, they do not have gender roles. It's teamwork. Hey, your son, I heard of me was giving a bath to the sun the other day, you know, it's not. See, this is where a lot of this rhetoric can be so confusing. So the idea is I don't need someone. Okay, well, do you want, okay, so let's think about it. This is supposed to be masculine energy. So that's saying a man, if a man is doing the same thing he doesn't need you means your relationship has no value. You need each other. That's a good point. It's important to be needed. It's, if a woman is acting I don't need you and that's masculine, but that's basically saying, well, the man can do the same thing and that's acceptable in the relationship. But if a man does that in a relationship then the woman's not in her power. If he's just saying, well, I don't need you you're just here for me. Yeah, you're just here for my back and call. I think it's important to recognize that two people need each other in relationship. So I'm gonna go on to share some more. This is supposed to be masculine behavior is dominant behavior. So like mother energy. Mother energy? Yeah, telling you what to do. What about dominant dad? Well, again, this goes, okay. So this goes for both genders. I mean, I know this topic is masculine energy scares men off but the fact is, is dominant energy whether you're a man or woman is not attractive. It's controlling. It's, it can be very toxic to be in dominant energy. If a woman is acting like the man's mother or the man is acting like the father, I think that's just unhealthy energy. So to associate that with masculine, I don't think it's healthy. Let's keep going. Not being grateful in relationship. Like why is that associated with masculinity? You know, is it because, well, see, I have a different perspective because I was raised in a Colombian household. Although I was in the States and it was very much the gender roles. And my brothers did nothing. I had to clean the kitchen. Yeah, you were one of four children where you were one girl and three boys and you had to do all the housework. I did. So also in your culture and a lot of South American cultures, a lot of Middle Eastern cultures, it's very dominant male, very machismo type of energy. Which we associate with masculinity. Well, I just know it was really hard growing up with that. Even though my dad turned out to be a great man, a grown up sucked. So again, just because we associate things with masculine, what we have to recognize that it's not good behavior. It's not healthy behavior to not be grateful, to be desperate, to act too jealous. One thing that gets associated with masculine energy is when a woman is criticizing a man for his choices, like his choice of restaurant and his choice of what to do activities or the places to go and being criticized for that. One of my friends, I mean, he took his girlfriend on a trip to Spain and it was like, well, why didn't we stay in an eight star hotel instead of this five star hotel? That happened. So criticizing choices again, I don't like that that, again, telling women that's masculine energy is not right. That's just why don't we call it what it is, bad behavior. It's bad behavior, whether you're a female or male. Exactly, exactly. Okay, a couple of other things being unapproachable. Oh my God, when I was dating, I had so many women, you'd meet them on a first date and they had resting bitch face. It was like so unapproachable. You gave me a gigantic hug when we first met and kissed my cheek. Yeah. You are a very approachable person. Well, we already knew each other, so it was very comfortable. Yeah. And I like to smile, because it makes me look younger. Okay, well, we like that. So, okay, I'm gonna keep going. Competitiveness, emotionally detached, not listening. These are all associated with women being in their masculine energy. And all I wanna say, ladies, is this, really get to the bottom line. What's most attractive to men and women is the following characteristics, if you will. So I wrote them down here. Character, kindness, fun and playful, agreeable and intentional. So character, I'm sure that was high on your list. Oh, we found that list that I had made years ago. Oh, that's right. Was that high on your list as a man's character? Integrity. Oh, really quickly, what Maria's talking about is she had put together a list of all the qualities she was seeking in a man. There was like 600 things on there. Just kidding, that was probably 15 or 20. But on that was character. It's also what was on there was kindness. Good character. Kindness. I wrote down fun and play. Yes. Life is boring if you don't know how to play and have fun. We get criticized sometimes for the way we banter with one another. We tease each other a lot. And somehow, many of you perceive that as being disrespectful to one another or not as interested in one another. And that is like, is that the furthest thing from the truth? Of course. But it's funny, we were criticized recently on one of our videos. Actually, I'm going to take a break for a second. I want to read to everybody something that happened. Is that OK with you? So, folks, I want to read something because recently in a video with Marie and I, there were some people there that were criticizing, judging, and attacking Marie. And I want to read something out loud that I wrote for everyone. On my channel, I'm very open, meaning I'm vulnerable, authentic, and transparent. And sometimes my words are used against me. Like sharing about the trauma I experienced in childhood or the fact that I was an unconscious husband or an unconscious dator after my divorce. And while I don't like it, I understand it's part of my journey. Then I invite my partner, a person whom I love, and we have what feels like a fantastic day-to-day relationship. Yet at times, I share my insecurities about our relationship. And some of the challenges we have, and sometimes my ego gets in the way, I'm going to own that. But the thing is, is we both view our relationship more important. The relationship in itself is more important than our insecurities and our egos. And this week, some people criticized and judged my partner, Marie. And that is unacceptable to me. And while I recognize that being a public figure means you have to take the good with the bad, being her protector means if people are mean-spirited towards her, I will stop it and block them from my channel. Oh, that's really sweet. You matter to me. And folks, I think there's the idea of being provider-protector. It used to be, oh, I was watching a movie about the Mayans in the 15th century. And it was very, I mean, talk about machismo and everything. But the men were very protective of their women, because back then they lived in a uncivilized, I mean, somewhat uncivilized. But today, being a protector isn't just about walking on the other side of the street or holding a car door open and stuff like that. Being a protector means caring about your partner's emotions. And when someone is disrespectful to your partner, being protective of that. But more importantly, it's also being a protector is to be recognized that unkindness is unacceptable in my point. Can I add to that? Sure. I just want to say something. It's not just some of the things that were said about me. I have a thick skin. They don't really affect me. I just think it's disrespectful. It's disrespectful, because Jonathan also put so much effort into doing saying things and giving information that really do make a difference in people's lives. And it's just undermining not just our relationship, but his character as well. And I did not like that one bit. But on the other side of it, we get wonderful, wonderful comments. These are just a handful of, I want to say rotten apples, because some of the things they said were pretty rotten. And by the way, I want to clarify something you said. It's trying to undermine our relationship. This won't undermine our relationship, OK? No, but they're criticizing that, implying that I'm a gold digger, implying that. Yeah, well, I know I have some notes. I have some notes on this. You're not very smart. If you pick somebody like me, oh, it's just for looks. I mean, come on, let's not cool. That is not cool. No, and the fact is, and I want to lean into this conversation. And by the way, this actually relates to the concept of masculine and feminine too, because in a real healthy relationship, it's about being teamwork with one another. It's about being partners with one another. So I've invited my partner into this world of what I share publicly, but in all fairness to her, this isn't your area of expertise. Oh, and to mention another thing, because it comes up a lot that I'm only using them to get famous and that I want to start my own channel, never going to happen. You're going to start to make a mark. I am not good at this. No, I don't know. Look, to me, it was a real leap to do this. I did it because Jonathan wanted me to. And I thought, let me try it. And I thought, you know, that was pretty fun. But I'm not taking the lead in anything here. No, and so we get criticized for me interrupting you. And what most people don't understand as an example of something, by the way, in our day-to-day relationship, do I interrupt you? Yeah. Yeah, do you interrupt me? Yeah. Yeah, we interrupt each other a lot. That's kind of, that's called being human. You know, the fact is, in fact- I'm getting old too. But I hear this with every couple I know. In fact, I was listening to a podcast today. It's called Spiritually Hungry. And the couple, they've been married for 20 years. He, she cuts them up and he cuts them up all the time. It's called, you know, it's just, there's a difference between disrespecting someone versus, hey, I know you might not have something to say and I'm gonna fill in the space. So I wanna address that. Couple things other people have said too, this relates to dating, mating, or relating, is how you've changed my look. You know, like you, you came in and changed me the way I dress and all this stuff. I wanna set the record straight. Marie did bring to my attention that wearing, you know, ratty T-shirts probably didn't look overly professional. And the interesting coincidence is I have a contemporary mind. He has a channel where he, he has a channel of over a million subscribers. And I noticed all of a sudden he's wearing suits and nice shirts. And I said, what happened? He goes, I'm rebranding myself. And I'm like, you know what? I need to rebrand myself. So the fact is ladies, while she likes style and fashion, I've always liked style and fashion. I think after my divorce, I kind of talking about pendulum, I used to be a suit and tie guy, double-breasted suit. Now I just, you know what? I went through this period of like jeans and flip flops. Now I'm still jeans and flip flops. And I wore a sport coat when I travel on an airplane type of thing. And you know what? That was a comment that was made. Well, if you were a jeans and flip flop guy and I came in and that doesn't make you any different. No, I'm just still the same guy. So it's an interesting because there's this idea that masculine energy tries to change people, okay? You never tried to change me. And this is really critically important. Everyone to understand that there's a difference between being an inspiration leading by example or inviting. So that's really healthier energy versus coming back to expectation. You know, if you don't dress this way, I'm not gonna go out with you kind of what you never said. You know, but that's just controlling behavior. You never tried to control me or just like, hey, I like this and I'm like, you know, I like it too. A couple of other things people have talked about. We are not Jay Shetty and his wife. We're not, we're not. He's not a monk. So there is a podcast out there, a hugely wildly podcast by Jay Shetty and his wife. I can't think of her name right now. I don't know. They're beautiful. Oh my God, this gorgeous Indian couple. And he's a monk. This guy does probably, or he was a monk. This guy probably does two hours of meditation every day standing on his feet. Look it, you and I are just raw. We're just real people talking about the stuff that comes up in relationships. But more importantly, not that folks, I wanna be clear about something. I'm not suggesting that we are the role models. However, the one thing I do wanna role model for everyone is conscious, is basically being intentional in their dating practice. And for women in particular, I wanna, what I think you're a great role model is not giving your power away, which we talked about in the last video. Because I serve an audience of women who habitually give their power away to men and then find themselves in disappointing relationships. That's what I wanna role model. There was a comment that someone wanted to know what does that mean, giving away your power? Well, we talked about that last week. Giving your power away means giving, the relationship is all on the man's terms. Giving your power away is if the relationship doesn't work out, you just do only lose your mind. Because all you think about is the guy and what he's not doing. That's giving your power away. Oh, a couple other of the comments and then we'll take questions in a moment. The fact that you occasionally go visit your grandkids. That's like. Well, we made an agreement before I moved here and the agreement was I'm not gonna not be a part of my grandchildren's lives. And so I go back to Chicago every six to eight weeks. This time I had to go for a funeral, which was a little bit different, but. So this demonstrates that in relationship, while we live together and you moved from Chicago to Los Angeles, we also made some agreements in a healthy relationship. I call it the rules of engagement. You set the standards and you negotiate if that's reasonable and quite frankly, while you're gone, I love it. I get to watch my, you jokingly call it my cartoons, which is my Marvel movies. And not that you wouldn't watch it with me because we did what we did avatar the other day. So, but my point is, is that's part of partnership. And I wanna just put to rest one other thing. And that is her chasing me because the thumbnail here says never pursue a guy folks. I wanna clarify something. Making effort isn't chasing. Yes, you made some effort to connect with me, but we were also, we developed a friendship. When you tried, when you visited here, your children, you reached out to me and said, would you like to get together? I happen to be busy. I happen to be working. I didn't blow you off. I know. And you know what? And that's, I put it that way because again, we were teasing and I'm like, yeah, he blew me off twice, but it wasn't that. I didn't have a car and I was in Burbank and he's by the beach and it's a long way. Yeah. So a couple of times and we had stuff going on, but ultimately, let's say for argument's sake, you did chase me. Well, it worked. I'm joking, right? But folks, folks, folks, let me be clear about something. Okay. Making effort is essential for a successful relationship. That is not masculine energy. That's not feminine energy. That's called being a good human being. And today we have a lack of a lot of good human beings who are intentional in the process who are in it for themselves. I mean, we, there is a dysfunctional population out there. And my hope is we can, if we do role model anything, it's that we role model that relationships, they're not like our relationship isn't a lot of work. No, it's not. When you find someone where you have honest communication with one another, forthright communication, and this is something you're skilled at, you are not, you are unafraid to talk about the things you wanna talk about. Yes, but my fear is in this here is that I've never done this before. So I'll just express, I'm afraid that I might say something that's not right. Because now it's being, things are being twisted. Oh yeah, and it's recorded. Well, but I'm talking about within our relationship. No, with our relationship, no. Yeah, ladies, I'm here to encourage folks. Okay, I wrote this in my book. What the heck is self-love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-love and spiritual work. Chapter one, speak your truth, do it with kindness. And chapter nine, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. And I think what I admire about you, sweetheart is your capacity to be forthright. You just do it in a very kind, loving way. Where'd you learn that from? I don't know. It doesn't sound like your parents, but. But folks, this is what I hope you all can take from this. So again, coming back to masculine and feminine energy. Listen, bad behavior is just bad behavior. Let's not characterize it as masculine and feminine. What is attractive is character, kindness, fun and play, agreeableness, humor, intentionality. That's neither masculine nor feminine. That's just called really attractive. So I invite you to start practicing that. But. I wanna address one more thing. Okay. And it's kind of stupid, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Okay. We got comments on my makeup table. Oh my God, I forgot about that. And it's really funny because I came here to buy my table because I wanted Hollywood glam. No. All my furniture, I brought from Chicago and it's here. So, but your, but the makeup table is something you enjoy. You know, whether like, and guys have their golf clubs and you got a makeup table. I've had it for five years and I love it. I would never get rid of it. So the fact that, so, you know, I think this is critically important. Judgment is the enemy to love. Criticism is the enemy to love. Contempt is the enemy to love. Okay. Here's the thing. For the few that actually spewed their contempt, their criticism, their judgments, it's sadly a mirror for what's going on in their own life. The true path to happiness is a real ladder of loving yourself, but more important, and not more, and loving others. When we can operate from a place of love for ourselves, fill that love cup and love others from that well, we actually have a happier life. And so when we have judgments, when we have criticisms, when we are blaming our past partners and we're in victim consciousness, that's gonna be a detractor to a healthy, happy relationship. Those are all things, not masculine, not feminine, just a lot of hurt things. And let me say this, there's no doubt many of us have been wounded from our childhood. We're both, you and I are constantly dealing with the effects and the residue of our childhood wounds and adult traumas. I invite everyone to work on their stuff because when you do, like what we do, I think we're healthier and happier because of it. Yeah, our relationship is light and airy and we don't, there's no heaviness, you know? Because we did a lot of work before we met. That's true too. All right, we're gonna take questions now for those who know our format. If you have a question, write the word question, then post the question there after or you can purchase a super sticker, super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box and if you're watching the replay, you can do a super thanks. All of the monies from the super sticker, super chat, super thanks goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there, the younger one there. He's my son who passed away five years ago and in his honor, we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process and Insight Institute, just to name a few. So if you have a question, write the word question or purchase a super sticker, super chat. So I saw something here, Susan wrote. Oh, by the way, Val just said great content. Well, thank you so much. Susan wrote, question, this is a different subject. My physical therapist seems interested in asking me how I like him to, wait, how I like him to, however, I'm in no place to be dating. I'm working on myself and not ready to date. If I'm understanding this correctly, her physical therapist is interested in her, which she's not in a place of dating. So tell them that. So I guess the question is, did he ask her out because if someone asked you out and you weren't, it's not about the person, it's about yourself. How would you say, like, how would you kindly tell a guy, it's you, not him, and me? How would I do it? Okay. John, I'm really flattered and I love what you're doing for me. But right now I'm in a position that I just need to take care of myself. Right now I'm dating myself. I really need to learn to be alone. So maybe in the future, we can revisit this. Okay. I like that. I like that. You're not in a place. So it's not making about him, it's really, and it's genuinely making it about you. Now, here's the challenge. He might still take it the wrong way. Yeah, well, you have no control over how he's gonna take it. That's exactly it. We have no control how other, and we have, there's this fear many people have of hurting someone's feelings, but we can't control someone's feelings. And let me just say this, Susan, you can't hurt another person's feeling. That's their story. If you're being sincere, forthright, honest, and kind, okay? Anything that happens after that is on him, not on you. You agree? Okay. All right, thanks. Someone said, the body electric supplement says, based on negative comments, we can see why some folks are single and alone. You know, it saddens me that it, and look at, I think you and I, we've had negative comments we've said about things and we've had our judgments about our past relationships. Yeah, but we never got bombarded. Well, no, I'm talking about how, prior to that being bombarded, I think there's a difference between living in the bitterness and the victim consciousness, versus, hey, I gotta vent every once in a while. Yeah, well, that's... I mean, you've vented about some of your relationships, and I've vented about some of my relationships. So, okay, thanks for bringing that up. I appreciate that. Oh, Susan, just wanted to correct. I mean, my physical therapist seems that he's going to ask me out, and I'm interested in him, but I'm not ready to go out. I'm working on myself. Should I just say yes to a cup of coffee? Why not? You know what? I was thinking. She brought that up. Why not go out for a cup of coffee? It's not an obligation to go to bed with them or anything. You gotta read your vows to him first. Okay. Dating vows, by the way. So making a new friend and in that, you can actually be a bit more vulnerable to someone while you're like, in our particular case, we spent a year building a friendship. So by the time we physically met, we felt comfortable with one another and we didn't, neither one of us approached it in the beginning, romantically. It was like, hey, you have an interesting dating profile. I like you. That's in line with mine. Yeah, and I liked your profile, you know? And I'm like, okay, so we're attracted to each other, but we live 1800 miles away. At the end of the day, folks, when we build a real heart connection with someone, you might find yourself, Susan, being ready as you build a connection with this person. Who knows? It might be through the friendship. It will lead to you being ready. So I'm really appreciative of your comments, okay? T. Davis just said, just wow, I'm kind of shocked at all the criticism, Marie, but I suppose I shouldn't be shocked because not everyone is emotionally healthy. Sadly, a lot of people are angry. You know, we are in a society. It saddens me that there's a lot of toxicity and a lot of judgment and a lot of divide. And particularly when it comes to dating, there's this war between men and women. It's like men against women, women against men. I'm like, what I appreciate about you is you just like men. Now what I mean to say is you never were bitter or jaded towards men. I never held somebody that I met responsible for what other men hurt me or whatever. It's like, I judged all women ahead of time. I'm just kidding. See, that's a joke that's called teasing folks, you know, for those that are gonna use that against me later. All right, let's keep going. Midnight Blues says, question, how do I speak my truth about something that's going on without making it sound like an ultimatum? So if someone had B.O., what would you say to them, Marie? Oh, everybody knows that. Okay, I'm joking about that, but that was a nice, okay, for those that don't know, Marie had in a very nice way, let me know that I had gotten sweaty that day and I smelled a little bit. So the ultimatum would be, if you don't take a shower, I'm leaving. That would be an ultimatum versus a request. I think making a request is a lot different than an ultimatum because it gives a person an opportunity to say yes or no. So coming, okay. It was hard though, it was hard. Well, in this particular case, you said it in a way, I don't think you stink. It's like, I don't think your deodorant is working. Okay, so by doing it in a non-confrontational way I highly recommend reading the book. Let me grab this book. This is everybody, this is a, by the way, all the books I recommend are listed below. My coaching is listed below. This is a great book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This actually has great tools and there's even go to the YouTube channel by Marshall Rosenberg, great tools to learn how to communicate in a, not a non-confront, it's not nonviolent but a compassionate way to communicate. So Midnight Blue, I highly recommend checking out that book. Okay, Sherry, question, did you and Marie do the eight dates? Okay, well, for everyone that's not aware, there's a book called, oops, I'm a little bit, it's harder to get to the books now. There's a book here called Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. First off, I highly recommend everybody checking out this book. The Gottman Institute, you're not familiar with the, you are familiar? Okay, the Gottman Institute is a great organization. These are these two couples therapists that really help couples. I think they've interviewed 30, 40,000 couples and they can determine with a strong amount of accuracy of the couples who will succeed and the ones who will fail. And I think they have a 95% accuracy, right? The book Eight Dates is not something we needed to read because I'm a living breathing book. I'm a living breathing example of the book. So we didn't, I think- Did they talk about unpacking? Well, literally, well, you're not aware of this because you haven't read the book, but I'll just tell you, everything we did during those three days, you know, when we met was this book. It was the concentrated Eight Dates. Yeah, so what we did in three days or four days was the Eight Dates. We unpacked our past relationships. We unpacked our life. We unpacked trust, commitment. We talked about money in our relationship. We talked about sex. We talked about family. We talked about friends. When I say we talked about it, we picked in the nooks and crannies of these things. And we did this on our third meeting. And life goals and financial goals. Yeah, remember we were in the jacuzzi. Okay, so folks, let me share something. Okay, why don't you share what happened in the jacuzzi? No, you do it. Okay, so we, when we were talking about exploring a relationship together, we thought it was important to talk about our finances, to talk about where we were financially. And for a lot of people that can be very uncomfortable to talk about how much money you have in the bank. And we talked about that, what our current income is and where we think, you know, where we would be in the future. So by having that discussion, money is an important discussion to have in relationship. I think a lot of couples are very benign. They're very ambivalent about it. They're like in fear of talking about it. And we're like, let's just show, we actually showed each other our bank account statements what we had to when we moved in together. My point is, we had the hard conversations which the book eight dates talks about. By the way, everyone in the description below are caught. You can go, Jonathan recommended books to get out all the books I recommend. Actually, I can do this too. Right here, where is this book recommend? Or you can go to jonathanasley.com forward slash book recommendations, so. Wasn't that cool that I just did that? Okay, let's see what we got here. Johica says to Susan, getting to know a person in a deeper level doesn't have to end in relationship. You could just add him to your list of friends to get to know him in time, we'll tell, exactly. And you also never know that you may meet people through him that may work out for you as well. You know what, I'm glad you talked about that. You know, we, I think as a society, we don't do a good job fixing people up. Oh, because everybody's so isolated. And I think COVID made that even worse. So, so we're watching folks, we're watching a show called the Indian matchmaker. He likes it. I like that show, but I like it. It's research for me, Sima auntie. But one of the things the matchmaker continually talks about to these couples is less focus on looks and more focus on character. And what I like about this show is remember the first date of that school teacher guy and- Oh, the one that was bouncing off the wall. Yeah, and so, but they did their first date with her parents. The first date was him and her parents and her. I love this because they're, you know, because the parents aren't afraid to ask the tougher questions. You know, I think everybody's afraid to ask the tougher questions. And I like the parents like the father. And I know this even in the show, even the bachelor, you know, the fathers will ask the guys, you know, what are your intentions with my daughter? You know, we need to go deeper than the surface. But more importantly, I look at, I get we want to feel physically attracted to one another. And, you know, I'm fortunate you're just a naturally beautiful person, but at the same time, your character is what wanted over for me, your values of what wanted over for me, your kindness, all these things were factors that won me over. And yeah, you're hot too. Okay. All right, I just wanted to share that. But you know, like looks are just the luck of the draw. You don't work on yourself. You don't make yourself more attractive on the inside than, you know, you're just the shell of a person. God, didn't we see that picture of the woman who made herself to look like Kim Kardashian? Oh, she just died. But I mean, she did everything to change her outward appearance. 34 years old. And she died so young at 34. And my guess is she was hurting on the inside. Folks, true self love is a job from inside out. And I'm a big proponent of self care and doing those things to make yourself feel good. Makeup table. See now, someone's gonna use that against us now. We're just teasing, okay? Look, I don't mind the criticism if it's constructive but personal attacks, you know, come on, that's not cool. So coming back to it's an inside out job and outside is important too. So Kimmy goes on to ask a question. Jonathan Marie, Marie, why is it that he can discuss his past relationship but don't want to hear mine? So I'm assuming she's with someone. He can talk about his past relationship but he doesn't want to hear hers. I don't think that that's a partnership. I think, I just don't, I mean, I would, if you wouldn't want to hear my stories that would not have worked for me. I can laugh about that, right? Okay, so it's interesting because in our relationship Marie has unpacked her past relationship significantly and I happen to be a good listener. In fact, that's one of the traits of a healthy relationship is a good listener. Here's the thing, I think some men are territorial and so they don't want to hear about your past relationships because men, they just want to be seen as your victor, if you will. So I can understand why he might do that but coming back to what Marie said, in a healthy relationship, here's the thing, when you're meeting total strangers and you know nothing about them, how do you find out about a person is to hear about their past? Because our life didn't start at age 50 and move forward. There was a life well, but for those of us in midlife, I should say, but whatever age you are right now, your life didn't start then, it started well before that and the fabric of your life before that, the tapestry of your life before is woven into who you are as a person. So you, I mean, it's an unbelievable. I was with my husband for 28 years. Like that was my whole life and four kids and stuff. So yeah, I can't imagine not being able to talk about that. So, and we've unpacked it and we've talked about it and I've done the same in my relationship and we both have our wounds and our traumas and by talking through these together, we built deeper intimacy with one another. Folks talking about your past actually can bond you to another person. Well, I could bond in a trauma way, but that's for another discussion. But more importantly, it's how you get to know the flavor of the person's life is through their past and then how they show up matters is greatly as how they showed up in their past. And what they learned from their past. Cause I was a jackass in my past. I was a very self-centric. Well, I, you know, because I grew up in that, I'm listen, I'm a baby boomer, tail end baby boomer. I grew up with a very, you know, go to work, you know, get a job or go to college, get a job, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, start a family and be a provider. And that's all I focused on. And that's what a lot of my generation did. I was self-centric in that way. I wasn't selfish. We just happened to be myopic, very tunnel vision. So by sharing what I experienced in my past to you and how I grew from that, it actually helped our relationship. So anyways, I hope that helped Kimmy. All right. T. Davis says, I love this topic about not being jaded. I just had a discussion with a man I dated and I told him I will never lower my vibration to being jaded and judged because all men, judging all men because of a few, I'll say bad apples. Yeah, amen. Good for you. You had a few bad apples. Not really. They weren't great, but they weren't awful. Well, I think, you know, and yes, you didn't, yes, you had some experiences that hurt deeply, but the men weren't bad guys. No, they weren't bad guys. It's very, I always say this ladies, most men are good people. They're just bad daters. Yeah. No, I look, I've met wonderful, wonderful people. It just, you know, either it didn't work out because it wasn't chemistry or, you know. But you didn't blame those men. You didn't, a new man, the new man didn't pay a price for something that happened in the past. Did you pay a price? Oh God, I paid tons of price with you. Oh, okay. Let's keep swimming. Body electric supplement says the money talk is very important, folks, whether we like it or not, it is an important conversation. All right, Wanda goes on to say, question for Marie. Do you think if no chemistry there in the beginning says that, wait, if it's no chemistry there, if there's no chemistry there in the beginning, it says that way over time. It stays that way over time. Okay, stays that way over time. My friend would be the perfect boyfriend if there was, I've tried. So the question is, do I think that chemistry can come later? Is that what the question is? You know, you just never know. Some, sometimes you'll always be in the friend zone and that's okay. You know, there are people in my life that I can't imagine not having them in my life. And it started with kind of a romantic thing. And yet we were just talking about the shaman. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And just great people. I don't know, I don't have that answer because I've never been in that situation. Well, so I've observed, okay, so as a coach, and by the way, folks, if you need some support in coaching, check out a link to a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. All right, as a coach, I would say, oh, by the way, I didn't tell you this. I got a letter in the mail from a client who just got married on April 1st. She sent me the announcement and said, and I should have pulled this up for everyone. She went on to say how much working with me contributed to her meeting the guy of her dreams and getting married. So, that's awesome. So, while I'm bringing this up though, folks, thank you. I would say well over of the thousands of women I've helped over the years, one third of them have told me I didn't have chemistry with the guy on the first, second, or third date. But something changed. And what I believe is, if at least you have energetic chemistry, energetic connection, the physical can happen because you can fall in love with a person's character even more so than their looks. Okay, so if you go back to the Indian matchmaker, these people are basically being matched up, not arranged, but matched up. And a lot of them get married very quickly. They don't know each other very well. Like the parents always talk about that and they've been together 40 years. And everyone that I know, I know a couple of people that had arranged marriages, they eventually grew to love each other because they made the choice to be married. So... But it wasn't about looks. It was about character. It was about their family values. We're not was, it is about character, family values, kindness, a community. So chemistry, I think a lot of times we hyper focus chemistry on looks and not enough on, because I think you even say with me, it's who I am as a person that's the most attractive to you, right? It's not that I'm devastatingly handsome. I'm just kidding. So I hope I answered your question, Wanda. Thank you so much. By the way, I want to give props. I'm going to come back to a few other questions, but I want to give props to Weijin. John and Marie, I haven't been in your videos since I got married. Oh, it was today your marriage. Okay, thanks for being great role models to guide us and meet the loved married or meet loved when I married. I gave dating vows and we're reading eight dates regularly as our ritual. So this is the one I'm talking about. You sent me the letter. Thank you so much. Congratulations. So thank you. All right. Wow. And thank you for the super sticker. I really appreciate, we really appreciate that for the Connor Asley Fund. Okay, here's a question. We're going to rock and roll tonight. How can we encourage openness in an avoidant shy couple? How can we encourage openness? If you're both avoidant and shy? Well, I think my suspicion is one person is shy and the other is avoidant. So avoidants are, if you're not familiar with it, are less expressive. They tend to be more closed off emotionally speaking. Is that, how different is that from an introvert? Cause I dated somebody a few times and I just, he was just very shy and introverted. So here's the thing. You know, it's interesting. My ex-wife was shy and introverted when I met her. And then like months later, I mean, she couldn't shut her up. So I, and by the way, to illustrate that for a shy person, they need more time to feel safe. That's what oftentimes it is. Some people are, look at, some people have maybe they're on the spectrum. They have Asperger's. They have a, you know, a challenge being socially open with people. That certainly exists. But I think ultimately a shy person just needs to feel safe. Now, going back to an avoidant love attachment style, those are folks that fear love. They've had a wound in childhood that most likely wasn't addressed. Now, if they're severe woundedness, they definitely need personal development, self-help, spiritual work to heal that. Then there are some people that have mild avoidant or they're just, it's on the edge of being an avoidant versus the people like myself. I'm on the edge of being anxious. I think you're on the edge of being avoidant. By the way, that'll be used against us, jokingly speaking. But I'm saying that particular duality between us actually helps our relationship work in a yin and yang type of fashion. So what I'm, and I know I've said a lot of gobbledy goop there. So what I'm really trying to say is if someone is mildly avoidant or mildly shy, being in a healthy relationship could draw them out. If they have severe wounds and traumas from childhood or adulthood, they may need some serious personal development, self-help, spiritual work therapy to heal so they can come out of their shells, so to speak. So I hope that helped. I do have a friend that as a therapist, she said that I always go for the nerds because the nerds are more stable. There's actually, so actually engineers, I have this theory that engineers can make some of the best partners to be in relationships. They're nerdy, but they also have a sense of duty. They have a sense of responsibility. I'm just, this is, by the way, this is just a speculation, but I can see how nerds could be that way. People that are flamboyant, they oftentimes need a lot, like I'm a Leo, so I need a lot of attention. But at the same time, I've done a lot of work to heal that, and some people who are salespeople, they're out in the public type, they oftentimes need a lot of validation versus the nerd that's just, they're consistent. And by the way, I know that may sound like a lot of judgment between the two of us, so again, don't use it. I'm afraid that's gonna be used against us. I know, but that was a therapist that said that to me. Okay, got it. Yeah. Okay, you can throw the therapist under the bus. Rita says, I enjoyed listening tonight, sending continued success. Well, thank you so much. Thank you. Holly goes on to say, I love the Indian matchmaker, watch it as well. We're only in the third episode. One of our group members from Midlife Love Mastery, folks, if you're not familiar with my group called Midlife Love Mastery, I highly recommend checking it out. Here's the link to the group. If you're watching the replay, you can make a note of this, but I wanna talk about this comment from one of our member, oh shoot, where'd it go? Here we go. Marie takes all the negative comments as a compliment. There are haters on you because you are hot, sexy, and beautiful. If you were unattractive, they wouldn't say a thing. Well, you know, and by the way. Thank you. You look, I roll with the punches. I don't, thank you. I really appreciate the compliment. So can we say something publicly? Who criticizes you more than anyone on this planet? Me. Let's talk about that for a second. Who is self-critical? I mean, I think as women, a lot of us are this way. Yeah. I mean, especially when I got this glam table with a magnifying mirror that's showing everything. And yeah, I don't. I think what's sad is it's, you know, what is it? You know, when you put everyone under a microscope, you can criticize anything about them. But what's interesting is how judgment is. So I think I was talking about the movie. Does anyone remember the movie, The Breakfast Club? It's a story, it's set in Chicago or Illinois. I believe Illinois. Yeah, it's Illinois, Shermer. Shermer High School. Well, that doesn't exist. Okay. But anyway, so it's about six kids that are in detention. There's a bad boy, there's the nerd, there's the sports guy, there's the popular girl. And oh, yes, there was five of them. And the eccentric gal, if you will. And each one of each person had a judgment about the other person based on what they saw on the outside. And in the movie, when they actually got to know each other, they found out that they were all so similar. They had the same fears, they had the same judgments. They had the same anxieties in life. And that's the reality of human being. Sadly, oftentimes we humans, myself included, because we can watch reality shows and judge people. I think judgment, as I said earlier, is the enemy to love. So what can we do to uplift people? And listen, folks, I have to say something personally. I do this because I love it. I've studied relationships, I've tried to be better as a person, and I just share what I've learned. Sometimes it's the world according to Jonathan, okay? But I do this because I have a passion for being of service. And I invite everyone to lean into that for themselves because there's a fulfillment comes from being of service. He loves what he does. And now you're a part of it, and I think you love doing this, right? I think this is fun. Yeah. I think this is fun. I just don't, like I'm just a sidekick. I'm not... By the way, Jennifer says, I have a makeup table. It's a must. Thank you. All right. Kathleen says, Jonathan, I agree with you about everything. I know you are with Marie, but will you marry me? Well, I'm taken so, but thank you so much. I appreciate that. I had a client said, if I was lesbian, I'd like to... She said she'd like to date you. All right. Okay, Joy says, our passion has shaped the people we have become. If a man doesn't want to know my past, then he doesn't care about who I am today. We all have a past, exactly. Yes. Susan goes on to say, thank you so much, Jonathan Marie. Denise says, I love the conversation that started with I went to a certain place and Inquisition started with who did you do that? Oh, I really didn't want to hear the answer. Sorry about that. I don't get that one. All right, let's see if there's a question. Oh, people are saying, congratulations, Wegen. We are so happy for you. Leif is one of our loyal followers, says here for the intermission, back for the playoffs, everything sounds awesome. How about the advice she got here from Wegen? Have a great night. Yes, Wegen, please share what really stood out for you. We'd like to hear from you. All right, let's keep going. What's this word? A-M-B, ambivert? Ambivert, where they're both an extrovert and an introvert? Is that what that is? Oh, they're both the same. Yeah, my ex-wife, I know she's responded that. I've never heard that word, but I'm gonna have to Google it now. I may be that because I can be very introverted and then I could be... You know what's fascinating? Everybody thinks I'm an extrovert. I'm actually a very quiet, like to stay at home kind of person. Everybody thinks I'm that person. My brother is an extrovert. I'm actually an introvert. But you may want to stay at home, but you're not a quiet person. Okay, well, I like to unpack things all the time. Thanks for that. All right, let's keep going. Let's keep going. Let's keep going. Okay, here we go. We have a question. Dear Jonathan and Marie, thank you for being so awesome. My question is, how do I begin to talk about money? Any specific wording you can advise me to personalize? Thank you so much. How did we start? I said, what's your bank account? No, so actually folks, I want you to go to the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. We're gonna open chapter four, which is called The Cost of Love, Work and Money. So it's on page 113. But folks, here's the thing I wanna share with you. Oh, here we go, 113. See, this is the chapter called The Cost of Love, Work and Money. So there are actually questions in this book designed to bring up these conversation. So here's a couple of questions. What does your work mean to you? What pleasure or satisfaction do you get out of work? What needs does working fulfill in your life? And those are the work questions and there's subsequent money questions. How well off were your grandparents? What did your parents do for a living? How well off were your parents? I mean, these are just some examples. Now, in our particular case, we had talked about the idea of moving in together. So we were at a stage in our relationship. We were talking about something that required a financial conversation, which was when we found this place, my office, if you will, because we live at my office. When we found this place, we said, how will we make this work? And so we began talking about where we were financially. I openly shared, but we were also at that point in a fully committed relationship. We were. But I do remember one of the first conversations is about my income. Yeah. And it was, you know, it's, we talked about it. So, and I think Marie is a little reluctant to share her personal business with everyone so I can understand that. But we talked about how you currently receive income from certain investments and trusts and things like that. And also where I'm at in my business and we talked about that. But the other thing is also seeing how a person lives, right? You can see how they live, what kind of car they drive. You can get a sense of a person. You can also, while I don't think you could Google how much does a dating coach make? If you're dating- Oh, I Google do. Yeah, but it doesn't say how much. It says you make like a hundred grand or something. Something, and- Well, it's funny because- So then I Googled myself. And then how much did you say you made? I couldn't find me. Okay. So, and by the way, that's not accurate, but you can, like you could Google how much does an engineer make? How much does a project manager at a construction company make? You could probably get a sense of where they're at. The reality is, is though, 80% of Americans still make less than $100,000 a year. So, I'm a big believer two incomes are better than one and joining forces together makes, there's a stronger union when two people, while we don't commingle our money, we both invest in this relationship in the share that we agreed to. And that's one of the conversations we had. We said, how are we going to, how is this relationship going to be from a financial perspective and what are we going to agree to contribute to it? And now it's like, we don't even think about it. No, and it's not, the only thing that we do that with is the rent. The rest of the stuff, it's- I buy groceries, you take this. Yeah, it's like we don't think about that. Yeah. So when you're in a relationship where you've had good communication, it's rather easy. Now to answer your question, read the book eight dates to learn some of the languaging. That's my recommendation to you. Okay. Oh, Monica says, Jonathan once mentioned the first date is the first phone call. Folks, since she brought that up, I highly, okay, I want everyone to understand something. I believe the first date is the first phone call. When you first speak to someone, it's you're getting to know them. Okay. So asking really good questions gives you a sense of whether or not you want to see this person. I didn't do that. Well, you didn't do what? The first phone call. Well, okay. So are you talking about the fact that I didn't like our first phone call? Because you told me I didn't ask any questions. So, okay. And what did you learn after that? Well, after... I told you that. The second call, yeah. No, and it was like, oh, someone else had mentioned that to me. So, and then since then, you dated a number of people after we first spoke, did you ask more questions going forward? Oh, yeah. Did you start practicing some of the things I was teaching you? Then you would call and you'd say, okay, so how's it going? Yeah, because we were friends in the beginning. We weren't romantic relationships. So anyways, I hope I answered your question. By the way, we're getting some really lovely comments. Folks, I'm gonna end on this beautiful comment. Talia says, thank you from the whole of my heart for answering my questions so thoroughly. Very helpful. I'll definitely check out the book. Sending you best wishes. Thank you, Jonathan and Marie. Well, thank you so much. Thank you. And everybody who's been commenting tonight, thank you so much for your kindness, your care, your generosity. I hope we do bring value. I hope so too. Yeah, there's nothing easy about dating. It's not easy. I said this to a client today. Imagine two children that were raised by super wealthy parents, okay? They most likely will be spoiled, but worse, they have no clause if something should happen where the family loses their money. The reality is is the experiences you've had in life has given you, I say the word clause, but what I mean to say is resilience. It's giving you an opportunity to be stronger from it. So I invite you all to look at your past relationships, to look at your experiences and say, this has helped me become a better person. So I'm better prepared to be in relationship. I've looked at your, I've unpacked your entire past. My entire life. And I see how it's made you such a good person. I hope you feel the same way about me. Absolutely. Oh, thank you. So everyone. So I'm gonna end on a quick prayer. God, universe, spirit. I invite everyone here to attract a wonderful relationship where there's amazing chemistry between the two of you. And the communication is off the charts and you're compatible and you can blend lives with one another and you can share the same values and you can build the deep roots of trust through emotional maturity. I invite that in for everyone, sending you off with a big, gigantic job. Oh, wait, I'm gonna give you a big, gigantic job and bear hug. That was really pretty. Oh, thank you. That was very sweet. Hey, I hope you had value tonight. Have a wonderful evening, everyone. Bye now. I wanna say bye to Holly and Nicole and Weijan and Elena and Jennifer and Igma Baby and Nicole and Johica and Talia. I'm butchering names, by the way. Marilyn, Joy, T. Davis, Debbie, Susan, Diane, Ever Kristin, thank you so much, Wanda for being in the house, Lee for being in the house. Thank you so much. Be well. Bye now. Bye bye.