 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, yours truly Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Folks, this is Phil. If you'll ask your neighbor, you'll hear him say that if you want the best, buy RCA. That's right Phil, inch for inch your best buy in television is RCA Victor 19 inch. It's big, better, more for your money, and here's why. RCA Victor's new picture pickup brings in the best possible reception. Pictures are clear, steady and bright. And RCA Victor television is million proof television, quality proven in over two million homes. Best of all, RCA Victor 19 inch television is yours for little more than what was once paid for 10 inch television. And remember this, only RCA Victor owners can buy the RCA Victor factory service contract for expert installation and maintenance. So ask your RCA Victor dealer to show you 19 inch television. It's available in a wide range of table models, consoles and combination instruments. And by the way, here's a big RCA Victor record value. It's the new singer single series, 54 all time tin pan alley tunes by nine of America's brightest recording stars. For some time, Alice has been after Phil to join an exclusive country club. Phil has shown no interest. So a week ago, Alice took matters into her own hands and sent an application to the Beverly Hills Country Club. As we look in now, William has just arrived at the Harris home and brought the mail in with him. Good morning Philip. Hello, Alice. The mail just arrived and I brought it in. Oh, thank you, Willie. Here's a package that came for you, Philip. Hey, uh, is it from Kansas City? Uh, yes. Oh boy, it came. I clipped the coupon out of my magazine over a month ago and I thought they'd never send it, but they did. They sent it, they sent it. They sent what? My jungle gym loincloth. My jungle gym loincloth. With an attached smoke signal sender. They'll do me a favor. What? Put on your Buck Rogers flying belt and zoom off to another planet. Phil, just read the rest of your mail. Okay, okay. But I was gonna get you one, too. Hey, what's this? A letter from the Beverly Hills Country Club. What would they be writing to me for? Oh, Phil, I didn't want you to know about that yet. You see, I wrote them. Your birthday is coming up and I wanted to give you this as a surprise. Oh, Al, she shouldn't have done it. Done what? Gone out and bought me a whole country club. Just think a country club all my own. I've arrived. Phil. Oh, this will make daddy so happy now he can quit his job as locker boy at Bimini Badge. Phil, will you please stop. I didn't buy you the country club. I just applied for a membership. Al, I don't want to belong to no country club. There's a bunch of stuff shirts at those places. Philip, it won't hurt you to meet a more intelligent class of people. There are several prominent scientists among the members. I know they have an anthropologist, geologist, and a philatelist. So what? Most of my friends are philatelists. When you live the way they do, you gotta be. Philip, do you know what a philatelist is? Certainly. A philatelist is a guy who believes that when it's your time to go, you're gonna go. A philatelist is a person who is interested in stamps. Oh, fine, fine. I'm gonna join a country club just to meet a guy who works in a post office. Phil, why don't you open the letter and find out if they accepted your application? Okay, I'll open it. What's the use? Of course they accepted it. They're probably begging me to join. Let's see what it says. I knew it. Listen to this. Dear Mr. Harris, we have received your letter of application, and after thoroughly checking your character, references, and background, we find you accepted. However, we do not have an opening in the club at this time. But if we are ever in need of a bartender, we'll get in touch with you. Do they have a lot of nerve? Now, wait a minute. There must be some mistake. Wait a minute. Oh, there's more here. Yeah, here it is. P.S. If you're interested, we do not have an opening. Oh, no. If you're interested, we do. We do have an opening in another department. And if you'll bring your own wisp room, comb, and brush, we'll supply the liquid soap and towel. What are they talking about? I ain't no barber. They got a lot of galls sending me a letter like that. I'm a big man. I don't have to... Uh-oh, that's probably the president of the club now. Realize he's made a mistake and he's here to apologize. I'll make him grovel. I'll make him sorry he ever started anything with me. You got a lot of nerve sending me a letter like that. You better start apologizing. All right, I'm sorry, girlie. But tell me, how'd you know it was me who sent you that extortion letter? All right, Bramley. All right, it's you. What extortion letter? Oh, you didn't get it yet. Well, when it arrives, there'll be three cents postage due. Just deduct it from the money I demanded. Bramley, what are you talking about? I don't know. What are you talking about? I come in the door and you ask me to apologize. What for? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I thought you were somebody else. You just got a letter of rejection from a country club. Small fry. I got a letter of rejection from the government. They don't want you to become a citizen, huh? Please, I tried to enlist in the service. They turned me down. That figures? Look at this letter they sent me. Let me see. Here you are. Oh, yeah. Here, Mr. Remley, we appreciate your attempting to enlist in our branch of the service. But unfortunately, you do not quite measure up to our qualifications. Sign Colonel MC MAPE's recruiting officer for the WACS. Remley, the WACS are for Dames. I know, but they said if you enlist, you could choose your own branch. That's the only one that appeals to me about it. What were you rejected for? I don't know. Alice sent an application for me to join the swanky Beverly Hills Country Club and they turned me down. I can't understand it. Oh, Curly, let's face it. That highbrow set always considers people like us below them. What do you mean below them? I got more talent than all of them put together. I'll bet there ain't one of them in that club that can sing like me. That is entirely possible. Don't be sarcastic. I happen to have a splendid voice and I can prove it. No, don't bother, Curly. I'll take your word for it. No, when I set out to prove something, I prove it. No, believe me. I'd like to prove it. There's a certain dish they always make in the South and when you eat it, boy, you'll find it melts in your mouth. I'm the guy who ought to know how good it can be. Cause my mammy always used to fix it for me and it's Southern fried chicken I'm raving about. It's the kind of food that I just can't do without. Here's the recipe. Try it and you'll see when you serve it, everyone will say, hmm. Call your butcher for the chicken. He'll do the rest. Tell him what you're cooking and he'll serve you the best. Clean off all the feathers, still there's nothing but skin. Cut it into pieces and you're set to begin making Southern fried chicken that's fit for a king. That's another plate. Well, look at that. There's a wing. Here's the recipe. Try it and you'll see when you serve it, everyone will say, hmm. Get some flour. You have added seasoning, too. Roll the chicken in it and then here's what you do. Fry it all in deep fat. Uncle people appear. They're sniffing and they're saying, what you cooking in here? They'll be glad when you show them that chicken to rub. That's the plate again, son. I just can't get enough. Here's the recipe. Try it and you'll see when you serve it, everyone will say, hmm. Got the recipe. So why hesitate? Try the Southern dish and man, you'll say that it's great. Serve it with potatoes, making French fries, you know. And don't leave out the chicken. He's the star of the show. Tell the Southern fried chicken this recipe's far. Don't pass me the plate, son. I can't eat anymore. Maybe I'll try just one more gizzard. I got news for you. What? You didn't prove nothing. Look, friendly, will you listen to me? I didn't want to belong to that club, but after that letter, they sent me now I'm determined to get in. Why don't you forget it, Curly. You know how those socialites are? Unless your family came over in the Mayflower, you're not one of them. What are you talking about? I've got Indian blood. My family was here when the Mayflower arrived. Mother sold turkeys on the dock. I don't know if you know this or not, Remli, but I'm a direct descendant of Prince's Neck in the Woods. And my great-great-grandfather was that fearless warrior, Chief Yellowbelly. I'm as good as anybody at that club, and I'm going to go down there right now and have it out with. Curly, they won't even let you in the front door. I'd like to see them try to keep me out. Now, come on, we'll get Alice and go down there and assert ourselves. I'll show them that they can't keep Wonga Harris out of any place. Are you going to lie there? Are you going to get up and try it again? Go ahead, Curly. Try again. Frankie, they just threw me out three times. They're just playing hard to get. They don't want me, and I know why. They got restrictions. What kind of restrictions? They're anti-cherokee. Fine thing. This is supposed to be a democracy. What kind of a country is this? If you Indians don't like it here, why don't you go back where you came from? Ugg on you. Trying to force your way in is not going to do it. The man said if some prominent person would recommend you, they might consider your application. Well, if that's all you need, you're practically in. Who's going to recommend me? You. Your recommendation couldn't get me into a Mexican jail. We don't know anybody who's going to recommend us, so let's drop the whole thing. No, I'm not. If I could just get to see the president, I'm sure that he'd listen to me. You're never going to get in that front door. Maybe not the front door, but there must be a family entrance to this alone. There always is. Alice, you wait here. Frankie, you and I will sneak around the back way. All right. Now look, we're going to go right around the side here. Wait a minute, Curly, wait. What's the matter? There's a big window facing this alley. The guy who threw us out will see us go by. Not if we crawl past the window. Now come on, let's get down on our stomachs and just wiggle by. Who are you, Indian? Come on. There. How are you doing, Remling? All right. But crawling along on my stomach ain't my idea of fun. Julius. Curly, where'd he come from? I turned over a rock and there he was. Well, as you're finally getting some class. What do you mean? Crawling is much more refined than staggering. Why did you get in this condition so early in the day? We're not in no condition. Then what are you doing? Well, Mr. Remling asked me to dig him up a date and I think she's buried here someplace. That the best you can think of? On my stomach, yes. Alice, I don't want to get personal but what are you doing here? You know, we're joining this club and I'm crawling in to see the president. Huh? I mean, we have to sneak in to see the president because they turned down my application. Naturally. Use crumbs don't fit in with their social crowd. Listen, kid, we can mix with the best of them. We're loaded with joie de vivre. We have a lot of a clack, quite a bit of Savoie fair. Not to mention a whole case of cavassier. We'd fit right in with these people. You're kidding? I can just see you guys at one of the club's formal dinners especially Mr. Remling with his table manners. What's the matter with my table manners? Your etiquette is atrocious, your decorum is deplorable and your demeanor is repugnant. What does that mean? You eat like a pig. Julius, I got a good mind. Alright, Frankie, will you leave him alone? Don't spend the more time with him. Now come on, we have to get in the club. Alright. No. I'll be glad to give you directions. Well, that's the least you can do, kid. It's about time you did something nice. Anything to help you guys. Now face your crawl to the end of the alley. Yeah. And then your turn right. Yeah. And cut off five feet. Remember now, just five feet. Okay, five feet. Come on, Remling. Here. One. Two. Yeah. Four. Five. Six. I could have sworn that open manhole was only five feet away. It's your ocean park. No wonder what's keeping Phil and Frankie. How long do they expect me to stand here alone in front of the club? It's embarrassing. There's nothing to do. Oh well, I might as well sing and pick up a few pennies from the passers-by. I've got the world on a string Sitting on the rainbow Got the string around my finger What a world, what a life I'm in love I got a song that I sing I can make the rainbow Anytime I move my finger Lucky me, you can't just see I'm in love Life is a beautiful thing As long as I hold a string I'd be a silly so-and-so If I should ever let you go I've got the world on a string Sitting on a rainbow Got the string around my finger What a world, what a life I'm in love Joy may define in a thousand ways But a case like ours needs a special phrase to say That we got the world on a string Life is a beautiful thing As long as I hold that string I'd be a silly so-and-so If I should ever let you go I've got the world on a string Sitting on a rainbow Got the string around my little finger What a w- Who said this was a rich neighborhood? I did two choruses and all I got was 18 cents I used to do better with Rudy Valley Filling Phil and Frankie, this is- Here we are, Alice Well, it's about time What took you so long to get here? We missed the two o'clock bus back from Pismo Beach Yeah, you see, honey, we had a little accident Well, we had to go home and change our clothes Hey, look who's getting out of that cart to Kerb, it's Mr. Scott, our sponsor You know something, he's a member of this club If he were to recommend me, I know that I- No, he wouldn't do it for me Maybe not for you, Curly, but he'd do it for me You? Yeah, you know how he feels about me I certainly do I hear he has his RCA engineers working on a scientific way to destroy you So that's how it happened That's how what happened? Last week, Scotty gave me a television set for nothing Does it work? I don't know When my landlady tried to turn it on, she was electrocuted Stop with those wild stories, Mr. Scott wouldn't do anything like that Of course not, Remly, where do you get those wild things? I wish you'd stop Oh, hello, Harris Hello, Mr. Scott Oh, it's good to see you, Mrs. Harris Hiya, Scotty Remly, are you still alive? Mr. Scott, that was a terrible thing you tried to do to me You shouldn't be bitter Life is short and you should love your fellow man before it's too late How would you feel if I were to drop dead right now? I don't know But let's try it and see Say, Mr. Scott, you sure could do me a big favor You see, well, I'm anxious to join this club And, well, you could recommend me, what do you say? What's the matter? You're soft in the head or something? Won't you do it for a little old me, Mr. Scott? I'm sorry, Mrs. Harris Won't you? Hmm... I'm... I give up I've always been a pushover for her pretty blonde I'll try to get you and Mr. Harris in Gee, thanks, Scotty That's some act analysis 18 cents Mr. Scott, we sure appreciate this You know, I can't wait to join that club Well, tie Remly to that hitching post and let's go in No, you don't, I'm coming too Alright, come on Hey, Scotty, this certainly is a beautiful club you got here And the president was very nice to us Yeah Well, now that we're members of the club, Curly, let's step over to the bar and have one on the house Yeah, let's... Come back here, not head You're not members yet You heard what the president said The other members have to pass on you first Well, let's meet some of them How about that motley-looking group over there? What motley-looking group? Those three corpses sitting in the corner The ones that look like they're waiting for the coroner's report Those corpses happen to be three of our most distinguished members Well, let's go over and lie down and talk to them And, Harris, I don't know if you ought to meet them They're very intellectual Well, that's just my type Hey, if we can impress them, Frankie, we're as good as in it Remly, stop dumping your ashes in that old man's ear, trumpet You'll burn his ear Oh, I thought it was a statue holding an ashtray How was I the man? Ouch! Nice, fast reflexes Remly, behave yourself Did you speak? Oh, pardon me, gentlemen I want you to meet two friends of... I mean, two people Two... Oh, yeah, Mr. Harris Mr. Remly, this is Mr. Crowther Mr. Harrington and Mr. Smite Gentlemen, as I was saying to co-others It is my firm conviction that the financial stabilization of this country Is contingent upon sound economics What do you think, Harris? I think I better try another group No, no, no, don't leave, Harris We'd like to have the opinion of an outsider Well, you wait here and I'll go outside and get one for you Mr. Harris, we're discussing finances What are your views on banking? Oh, banking Well, sir, I have found in my experience That banking is the best way to make a three-cushion shot You put a little English on the cue ball And then kiss it right... Shut up, Harris Gentlemen, you'll have to excuse Harris Banking isn't his business But it happens to be mine No I'm really an investment counselor Oh, Mr. Remly Perhaps you can give me some advice on a sound investment Gladly I find that the venture's far outstripped escrows And investments of certain fiduciaries should be detonated Remly, Remly, please Of course, these are purely speculative If you're interested in a sure thing I'd suggest Blue Boy in the fifth that you're making Yes Yes, and if that don't appeal to you Buy in to Mark Dex, Incorporated I don't think you can lose with that at the present time Mr. Harris, just what business are you in? Well, you might call me an artist Who might? So, you're an artist What school? Modern or impressionistic? Oh, and doobnamly I mean, what do you prefer? Van Gogh or Picasso? Well, Van Gogh, I can't tolerate, but I can't stand Picasso Mr. Harris, I'm sure if you tried You could develop a taste for Picasso I doubt it, that Mexican food gives me a hard time Mr. Scott, are these men members of our club? No, no, they're not members yet, you see, they're on probation That's a lie! I don't know about Curly, but my parole officer gave me a clean bill of health Parole officer? Harrington, I believe I've heard enough So have I Mr. Scott, we'll thank you to take these two Bulgarian friends of yours And throw them out into the street And don't bother coming back yourself But, gentlemen, you can't throw me out of this club It means everything to me, it's my life, it's my whole, my future, everything Come on, let's go, will you get out of here? I'm sorry, Mr. Scott You're not mad at me, are you, Scotty? No I'm not mad at you, Harris In fact, I'm going to have my engineers make you a television set Just like the one they made for Remly I'll give you a pair of rubber gloves to turn it on with, Curly Alice and Phil will be back in a moment You're sure to find many of your favorite songs on the 27 records In RCA Victor's spectacular new singer single series A fabulous roundup of 54 all-time Tin Pan Alley song hits Songed with all-time perfection by nine of today's greatest popular singers Here, indeed, is a happy blending of yesterday's outstanding songs And today's leading song stylists Perry Comos had all gang of mine Fran Warren flying over the rainbow Dennis Day making Silver Moon sail high again Dinah Shore evoking orchids in the moonlight And many, many more unforgettable favorites You can buy each record in this great RCA Victor series singly In either the conventional 78 speed Or the more convenient 45 RPM speed Or you can add the entire series to your record library So keep the old memories Keep the old songs at your beck and call Make your selections from the 54 hit numbers In the singer single series Available now at your RCA Victor dealers This is Phil again This is Cancer Control Month You can strike back at Cancer by joining the 1951 Cancer Crusade of the American Cancer Society Support its vital programs of research, education, and service Give generously to your local committee by mailing your contribution to Cancer Care of Your Local Post Office That's Cancer Care of Your Local Post Office Good night everybody This program is produced and directed by Paul Phillips Remember whether you're buying a television set A radio, a vichrolophonograph, or record Put your faith in the cornerstone of American home entertainment For three generations RCA Victor, world leader in radio Hurst in recorded music, Hurst in television Atahopper tells the latest about Hollywood over many NBC stations