 CHAPTER 30 The Baron arrives in England. The Colossus of Rhodes comes to congratulate him. Great rejoicings on the Baron's return and a tremendous concert, the Baron's discourse with Fragrantia, and her opinion of the tour to the Hebrides. Having arrived in England once more, the greatest rejoicings were made for my return. The whole city seemed one general blaze of illumination, and the Colossus of Rhodes, hearing of my astonishing feats, came on purpose to England to congratulate me on such unparalleled achievements. But above all other rejoicings on my return, the musical oratorio and song of triumph were magnificent in the extreme. Gog and Magog were ordered to take the maiden tower of Windsor, and make a tambourine or great drum of it. For this purpose they extended an elephant's hide, tanned and prepared for the design, across the summit of the tower from parapet to parapet, so that in proportion this extended elephant's hide was to the whole of the castle what the parchment is to a drum, in such a manner that the whole became one great instrument of war. To correspond with this, Colossus took Guildhall in Westminster Abbey, and turning the foundations toward the heavens so that the roofs of the edifices were upon the ground, he strung them across with brass and steel wire from side to side, and thus when strung they had the appearance of most noble dulcimus. He then took the great dome of St. Paul's, raising it off the earth with as much facility as you would a decanter of claret, and when once risen up it had the appearance of a quartz bottle. Colossus instantly with his teeth cracked off the superior part of the capola, and then applying his lips to the instrument began to sound it like a trumpet, towards marshal beyond description, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. During the concert I walked in the park with Lady Fragrancia. She was dressed that morning in a semi-ala rain. I like, said she, the dew of the morning, tis delicate and ethereal, and by thus bespangling me I think it will more approximate me to the nature of the rose, for her looks were like aurora, and to confirm the vermilion I shall go to spa. And drink the pod and spring, had I, gazing at her from top to toe? Yes, replied the lovely Fragrancia, with all my heart, tis the drink of sweetness and delicacy. Never were there any creatures like the water-drinkers at spa. They seemed like so many thirsty blossoms on a peat-tree that suck up the shower and the scorching heat. There is a certain something in the waters that gives vigor to the whole frame, and expands every heart with rapture and benevolence. They drink, good gods, how do they drink, and then, how they sleep, pray, my dear Baron, were you ever at the falls of Niagara? Yes, my lady, replied I. Surprise it such a strained association of ideas. I have been, many years ago, at the falls of Niagara, and found no more difficulty in swimming up and down the cataracts than I should to move minuet. At that moment she dropped her nose-gay. Ah! said she, as I presented it to her. There is no great variety in these polyanthesis. I do assure you, my dear Baron, that there is taste in the selection of flowers as well as everything else, and where I have a girl of sixteen I should wear some rose buds in my bosom. But at five and twenty I think it would be more apropos to wear a full-blown rose, quite ripe and ready to drop off the stalk for want of being pulled high. But pray, my lady, said I, how do you like the concert? Alas! said she, languishingly, while she laid her hand upon my shoulder. What are these bodiless sounds and vibration to me, and yet what an exquisite sweetness in the songs of the northern part of our island? Thou art gone away from me, Mary. How pathetic and divine the little airs of Scotland and the Hebrides! But never, never can I think of that same Dr. Johnson, that constable, as Fergus MacLeod calls him, but I have an idea of a great brown full-bottom wagon of hogshead of porter. Oh! it was base, to be treated everywhere with politeness and hospitality, and in return, invidiously, to smell fungus them all over, to go to the country of Kate of Aberdeen, of old Robin Gray, of its rural innocence and sweetness, take up their plaids and dance. Oh! Doctor, doctor! And what would you say, Fragantia, if you were to write a tour to the Hebrides? Peace to the heroes, replied she, in a delicate and theatrical tone, peace to the heroes who sleep in the Isle of Iona, the Sons of the Wave and the Chiefs of the Dark Brown Shield. The tear of the sympathizing stranger is scattered by the wind over the hoary stones as she meditates sourfully on the times of old. Such could I say, sitting upon some druidical heap or tumulus, the fact is this. There is a right and a wrong handle to everything, and there is more pleasure in thinking with pure nobility of heart than with the illiberal enmities and sarcasm of a black-head. CHAPTER XXXI ELITIGATED CONTENTION between Don Cioti, Gogh, Magogh, etc. A grand court assembled upon it, the appearance of the company, the matrons, judges, etc. The method of writing and the use of the fashionable and the amusement quizzes. Waow, waow, arrives from the country of Presta John, and leads the whole assembly a wild goose chase to the top of Plin Liman, and thence to Virginia. The barren meets a floating island in his voyage to America, pursues waow, waow, with his whole company through the depths of the sea. The barren meets a floating island in his voyage to America, pursues waow, waow, with his whole company through the depths of North America. His curious contrivance to seize waow, waow, in a morass. The contention between Gogh and Magogh, and Sphinx, Halara, Frosticus, the Lord Whittington, etc. was productive of infinite litigation. All the lawyers in the kingdom were employed to render the affair as complex and gloriously uncertain as possible, and in fine the whole nation became interested, and were divided on both sides of the question. Colossus took the part of Sphinx, and the affair was at length submitted to the decision of a grand council in a great hall, adorned with seats on every side in form of an amphitheater. The assembly appeared the most magnificent and splendid in the world. A quarter jewellery of 100 matrons occupied the principal and most honorable part of the amphitheater. They were dressed in flowing robes of sky blue velvet adorned with festoons of brilliance and diamond stars. Grave and sedate-looking matrons, all in uniform, were spectacles upon their noses. And opposite to these were placed 100 judges, with curly white wigs flowing down on each side of them to their very feet, so that Solomon in all his glory was not so wise in appearance. At the ardent request of the whole empire I condescended to be the president of the court, and being arrayed accordingly I took my seat beneath a canopy erected in the centre. Before every judge was placed a square ink-stand containing a gallon of ink and pens of a portionable size, and also right before him an enormous folio, so large as to serve for table and book at the same time. But they did not make much use of their pens in ink except to blot and delve the paper, for that they should be the more impartial. I had ordered that none but the blind should be honoured with the employment, so that when they attempted to write anything they uniformly dipped their pens into the machine containing sand, and having scrawled over the page as they thought, desiring then to dry it with sand would spill half a gallon of ink upon the paper, and thereby daubing their fingers would transfer the ink to their face whenever they leaned their cheek upon their hand for greater gravity. As to the matrons, to prevent an eternal prattle that would drown all manner of intelligibility, I found it absolutely necessary to sew up their mouths, so that between the blind judges and the dumb matrons, we thought the trial had a chance of being terminated sooner than it otherwise would. The matrons instead of their tongues had other instruments to convey their ideas. Each of them had three quizzes, one quiz pendant from the string that sewed up her mouth, and another quiz in either hand. When she wished to express her negative, she darthed and recalled the quizzes in her right and left hand. And when she desired to express her affirmative, she nodding made the quiz pendant from her mouth flow down and recall again. The trial proceeded in this manner for a long time, to the admiration of the whole empire. When at length I thought proper to send to my old friend and ally, Presta John, and treating him to forward me one of the species of wild and curious woods found in his kingdom, called a whoa-whoa. This creature was brought over the Great Bridge before mentioned, from the interior of Africa by a balloon. The balloon was placed upon the bridge, extending over the parapets on each side, with great wings or oars to assist its velocity, and under the balloon was placed pendant a kind of boat in which were the persons to manage the steerage of the machine and protect whoa, whoa. This oracular bird, arriving in England, instantly darthed through one of the windows of the Great Hall, and perched upon the canopy in the centre to the admiration of all present. Her cackling appeared quite prophetic and oracular. And the first question proposed to her by the unanimous consent of the matrons and judges was whether or not the moon was composed of a green cheese. The solution of this question was deemed absolutely necessary before they could proceed further on the trial. Whoa, whoa, seemed in figure not very much differing from a swan, except that the neck was not near so long, and she stood after an admirable fashion straight to Vestras. She began cackling most sonorously and the whole assembly agreed that it was absolutely necessary to catch her. And having her in their immediate possession, nothing more would be requisite for the termination of this litigated affair. For this purpose the whole house rose up to catch her, and approached in tumult, the judges brandishing their pins and shaking their big wigs, and the matrons quizzing as much as possible in every direction, which very much startled, whoa, whoa, who, clapping her wings, instantly flew out of the hall. The assembly began to proceed after her in order and style of precedence, together with my whole train of Gog and Magog, Sphinx, Halera, Fusticus, Queen Mab's chariot, the Bulls and Crickets, etc. Proceeded by bands of music, whoa, whoa, whoa, descending on the earth, ran on like an ostrich before the troop, cackling all the way. Thinking suddenly to catch this ferocious animal, the judges and matrons would suddenly quicken their pace, for the creature would as quickly outrun them, or sometimes fly away for many miles together, and then alight to take breath until we came with insight of her again. Our train journeyed over a most prodigious tract of country in a direct line, over hills and nails to the summit of Plin Lemon, where we thought to have seized, whoa, whoa, but she instantly took flight, and never ceased till she arrived at the mouth of the Potomac River in Virginia. Our company immediately embarked in the machines before described, in which we had journeyed into Africa, and after a few days' sail arrived in North America. We met with nothing curious on our voyage, except the floating island, containing some very delightful villages inhabited by a few whites and negroes. The sugarcane did not fry there well, on account, as I was informed, of the variety of climates, the island being sometimes driven up as far as the North Pole, and at other times wafted under the equinoctial. In pity to the poor islanders, I got a huge stake of iron, and driving it through it to the center of the island, fastened it to the rocks and mud at the bottom of the sea. Since which time the island has become stationary, and is well known at present by the name of St. Christopher's, and there is not an island in the world more secure. Arriving in North America, we were received by the President of the United States with every honor and politeness. He was pleased to give us all the information possible relative to the woods in immense regions of America, and ordered troops of the different tribes of the Eskimos to guide us through the forest in pursuit of Waowau, who, at length found, had taken refuge in the center of a morace. The inhabitants of the country, who loved hunting, were much delighted to behold the manner in which we attempted to seize upon Waowau. The chase was noble and uncommon. I determined to surround the animal on every side, and for this purpose ordered the judges and matrons to surround the morace with nets extending a mile in height, on various parts of which net the company disposed themselves, floating in the air like so many spiders upon their cobwebs. Maygog, at my command, put on a kind of armor that he had carried with him for the purpose, corset of steel, with gauntlet's helmet, etc., so as nearly to resemble a mole. He instantly plunged into the earth, making way with his sharp steel headpiece, and tearing up the ground with his iron claws, and found not much difficulty therein, as morace in general is of a soft and yielding texture. Thus he hoped to underline Waowau, and suddenly rising, sees her by the foot what his brother Gog ascended the air in a balloon, hoping to catch her so she could escape Maygog. Thus the animal was surrounded on every side, and at first was very much terrified knowing not which way she had best to go. At length, hearing an obscure noise underground, Waowau took flight before Maygog had a chance to catch her foot. She flew to the right, then to the left, northeast, west, and south, but found on every side the company prepared upon their nets. At length she flew right up, soaring at a most astonishing rate towards the sun, while the company on every side set up one general acclamation. But Gog and his balloon soon stopped Waowau in the midst of her career, and sneered her in a net, the cause of which he continued to hold in his hand. Waowau did not totally lose her presence of mind, but after a little consideration, made several violent darts against the volume of the balloon, so fierce as at length to tear open a great space on which the inflammable air rushed out, the whole apparatus began to tumble to the earth with amazing rapidity. Gog himself was thrown out of the vehicle, and letting go the reins of the net, Waowau got liberty again, and flew out of sight in an instant. Gog had been above a mile elevated from the earth when he began to fall, and as he advanced the rapidity increased, so that he went like a ball from a cannon into the mares, and his nose striking violently against one of the iron captains of his brother Magog, just then writing from the depth, he began to bleed violently, and but for the softness of the mares would have lost his life. End of Chapter 31 Chapter 32 of Baron Munchasin This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchasin by Rudolf Erich Raspe Chapter 32 The Baron harangs the company, and they continue the pursuit. The Baron, wandering from his retinue, is taken by the savages, scalped and tied to a stake to be roasted, but he contrives to extricate himself and kills the savages. The Baron travels overland, through the forests of North America, to the confines of Russia, arrives at the castle of Naryskin, Roushimovsky, and gallops into the kingdom of Lagerheads, a battle in which the Baron fights the Naryskin in single combat, and generously gives him his life. Arrives at the friendly islands and discourses with Omae. The Baron, with all his attendants, goes from Otehete to the Isthmus of Darien, and having cut a canal across the Isthmus, returns to England. My friends, and very learned and profound, Judy Carey, said I, being not disheartened that wow-wow has escaped from you at present, persevere and we shall yet succeed. You should never despair, Munchausen, being your general, and therefore be brave, be courageous, and fortune shall second your endeavors. Let us advance undaunted in pursuit, and follow the fierce wow-wow, even three times round the globe, until we entrap her. My words filled them with confidence and valor, and they unanimously agreed to continue the chase. We penetrated the frightful desert sand to gloomy woods of America, beyond the source of the Ohio, through countries utterly unknown before. I frequently took the diversion of shooting in the woods, and one day, that I happened with three attendants to wander very far from our troop, we were suddenly set upon by a number of savages. As we had expended our powder and shot, and happened to have no side-arms, it was in vain to make any resistance against hundreds of enemies. In short, they bound us, and made us walk before them to a gloomy cavern in Iraq, where they feasted upon what game they had killed, but which, not being sufficient, they took my three unfortunate companions and myself, and scalped us. The pain of losing the flesh from my head was most horrible. It made me leap in agonies, and roar like a bull. They then tied us to stakes, and making great fires around us began to dance in a circle, singing with much distortion and barbarity, and at times, putting the palms of their hands to their mouths, set up the war whoop. As they had on that day also made a great prize of some wine and spirits belonging to our troop, these barbarians, finding it delicious and unconscious of its intoxicating quality, began to drink it in profusion while they beheld us roasting, and in a very short time they were all completely drunk and fell asleep around the fires. Perceiving some hopes, I used most astonishing efforts to extricate myself from the cords which I was tied, and at length succeeded. I immediately unbound my companions, and though half-roasted, they still had power enough to walk. We sought about for the flesh that had been taken off our heads, and having found the scalps, we immediately adapted them to our bloody heads, sticking them on with a kind of glue of a sovereign quality that flows from a tree in that country, and the parts united and healed in a few hours. We took care to revenge ourselves on the savages, and with their own hatchets put every one of them to death. We then returned to our troop, who had given us up for lost, and they made great rejoicings on our return. We now proceeded in our journey through this prodigious wilderness, Gog and Magog acting as pioneers, hewing down the trees, etc., at a great rate as we advanced. We passed over numberless swamps and lakes and rivers until at length we discovered a habitation at some distance. It appeared a dark and gloomy castle surrounded with strong ramparts and a broad ditch. We called a council of war, and it was determined to send a deputation with a trumpet to the walls of the castle and demand friendship from the governor, whoever he might be, and an account if ought he knew of WoW. For this purpose our whole caravan halted in the wood, and Gog and Magog reclined against the trees that their enormous strength and size should not be discovered and give umbrage to the lord of the castle. Our embassy approached the castle, and having demanded admittance for some time at length the drawbridge was let down, and they were suffered to enter. As soon as they had passed the gate it was immediately closed after them, and on either side they perceived ranks of halbergeers who made them tremble with fear. We calm, the herald proclaimed, on the part of Hilaro Frosticos Don Quixote, Lord Whittington, and the thrice-renowned Baron Munchausen to claim friendship from the governor of this Poisson castle, and to seek WoW. The most noble, the governor, replied the officer, is at all times happy to entertain such travelers as passed through these immense deserts, and will esteem it an honor that the great Hilaro Frosticos Don Quixote, Lord Whittington, and the thrice-renowned Baron Munchausen, enter his castle walls. In short, we entered the castle. The governor sat with all our company to table, surrounded by his friends, of a very fierce and warlike appearance. They spoke but little, and seemed very austere and reserved, until the first course was served up. The dishes were brought in by a number of bears walking on their fine legs, and on every dish was a fricacy of pistols, pistol bullets, sauce of gunpowder, and acuvite. This entertainment seemed, rather, indigestible by even an ostrich's stomach, when the governor addressed us and informed me that it was ever his custom to strangers to offer them for the first course a service similar to that before us, and if they were inclined to accept the invitation, he would fight them as much as they pleased, but if they could not relish the pistol bullets, etc., he would conclude them peaceable, and try what better politeness he could show them in his castle. In short, the first course being removed untouched, we dined, and after dinner the governor forced the company to push the bottle about with alacrity, and to excess. He informed us that he was the Naryskin Ravsky-Madavsky, who had retired amidst these wilds disgusted with the court of Petersburg. I was rejoiced to meet him. I recollected my old friend, whom I had known at the court of Russia, when I rejected the hand of the empress. The Naryskin, with all his knights' companions, drank to an astonishing degree, and we all set off upon hobby horses in full cry out of the castle. Never was there seen such a cavalcade before. In front galloped a hundred knights belonging to the castle, with hunting horns, and a pack of excellent dogs. And then came Naryskin Ravsky-Madavsky, Gog and Magog, Hilaro, Frostikos, and your humble servant, halloween and shouting like so many demoniacs, spurring our hobby horses at an infernal rate, until we arrived in the kingdom of loggerheads. The kingdom of loggerheads was wilder than any part of Siberia, and the Naryskin had there built a romantic summerhouse in a gothic taste, to which he would frequently retire with his company after dinner. The Naryskin had a dozen bears of enormous stature that danced for our amusement, and their chiefs performed the menuet de la coure to admiration. And here the most noble, Hilaro Frostikos, thought proper to ask the Naryskin some intelligence about wow-wow, in quest of whom we had traveled over such a tract of country, and encountered so many dangerous adventures, and also invited the Naryskin Ravsky-Madavsky to attend us with all his bears in the expedition. The Naryskin appeared astonished at the idea. He looked with infinite auteur and ferocity on Hilaro, and, affecting a violent passion, asked him, did he imagine that the Naryskin Ravsky-Madavsky could have condescend to take notice of a wow-wow, let her fly what way she would? Or did he think a chief possessing such blood in his veins could engage in such a foreign pursuit? By the blood and by the ashes of my great grandmother I would cut off your head. Hilaro Frostikos resented this oration, and, in short, a general riot commenced. The bears, together with the Hundred Knights, took the part of the Naryskin, and Gog and Magog, Don Quixote, the Sphinx, Lord Whittington, the Bulls, the Crickets, the Judges, the Matrons, and Hilaro Frostikos made no bull warfare against them. I drew my sword and challenged the Naryskin to single combat. He frowned, while his eyes sparkled fire and indignation, and bracing a buckler on his left arm, he advanced against me. I made a blow at him with all my force, which he received upon his buckler, and my sword broke short. Ungenerous Naryskin, seeing me disarmed, he still pushed forward, dealing his blows upon me with the utmost violence, which I parried with my shield and the hilt of my broken sword, and fought like a game cock. An enormous bear, at the same time, attacked me, but I ran my hand, still retaining the hilt of my broken sword, down his throat, and tore up his tongue by the roots. I then seized his carcass by the hind legs, and whirling it over my head gave the Naryskin such a blow, with his own bear, as evidently stunned him. I repeated my blows, knocking the bear's head against the Naryskin's head, until by one happy blow I got his head into the bear's jaws, and the creature being still somewhat alive and convulsive, the teeth closed upon him like nutcrackers. I threw the bear from me, but the Naryskin remained sprawling, unable to extricate his head from the bear's jaws, imploring for mercy. I gave the wretch his life, a lion prays not upon carcasses. At the same time my troop had defectually routed the bears and the rest of their adversaries. I was merciful, and ordered quarter to be given. At that moment I perceived wow-wow, flying at a great height through the heavens, and we instantly set out in pursuit of her, and never stopped until we arrived at Kamshaka, thence we passed to Otaheite. I met my old acquaintance, Omae, who had been in England with the great navigator Cook, and I was glad to find he had established Sunday schools over all the islands. I talked to him of Europe, and his former voyage to England. Ah, said he most empathically, the English, the cruel English, to murder me with goodness and refine upon my torture, took me to Europe, and showed me the court of England, the delicacy of exquisite life. They showed me gods, and showed me heaven, as if on purpose to make me feel the loss of them. From these islands we set out, attended by a fleet of canoes with fighting stages, and the chiefest warriors of the islands, commanded by Omae. Thus the chariot of Queen Mab, my team of bulls and the crickets, the ark, the Sphinx, and the balloons, with Ilarophrosticles, Gog and Magog, Whittington, and the Lord Mayor's show, Don Quixote, etc. With my fleet of canoes, altogether cut a very formidable appearance on our arrival at the Isthmus of Darien. Sensible of what general benefit it would be to mankind, I immediately formed a plan of cutting a canal across the Isthmus from sea to sea. For this purpose I drove my chariot with the greatest impetuosity, repeatedly from shore to shore, in the same track, tearing up the rocks and earth thereby, and forming a towerable bed for the water. Gog and Magog next advanced at the head of a million of people from the realms of North and South America, and from Europe, and with infinite labour cleared away the earth, etc., that I had plowed up with my chariot. I then again drove my chariot, making the canal wider and deeper, and ordered Gog and Magog to repeat their labour as before. The canal being a quarter of a mile broad, and 300 yards in depth, I thought it sufficient, and immediately let in the waters of the sea. I did imagine that from the rotary motion of the earth on its axis from east to west the sea would be higher on the eastern than the western coast, and that on the uniting of the two seas there would be a strong current from the east, and it happened just as I expected. The sea came in with tremendous magnificence and enlarged the bounds of the canal so as to make a passage of some miles broad from ocean to ocean and make an island of South America. Several sail of trading vessels and men of war sailed through this new channel to the South Seas, China, etc., and saluted me with all their cannon as they passed. I looked through my telescope at the moon and perceived the philosophers there in great commotion. They could plainly discern the alteration on the surface of our globe and thought themselves somehow interested in the enterprise of their fellow mortals in a neighboring planet. They seemed to think it admirable that such little beings, as we men, should attempt so magnificent a performance that would be observable even in a separate world. Thus having wedded the Atlantic Ocean to the South Sea, I returned to England and found, wow-wow, precisely in the very spot, whence she had set out, after having led us a chase all around the world. End of Chapter 32 of Baron Munchausen Read by Dennis Sayers in Modesto, California for LibriVox. Chapter 33 of Baron Munchausen. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Mike Harris. The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen by Rudolf Eric Raspé. Chapter No. 33 The Baron goes to Petersburg and converses with the Empress, persuades the Russians and Turks to cease cutting one another's throats, and in concert cut a canal across the Isthmus of Suez. The Baron discovers the Alexandrine Library and meets with Hermes Trismegistus, the seizures Seren Gapatam, and challenges Tipu Sahib to single combat. They fight. The Baron receives some wounds to his face, but at last vanquishes the tyrant. The Baron returns to Europe and raises the hull of the Royal George. Seized with a fury of canal cutting, I took it in my head to form an immediate communication between the Mediterranean and the Red Sea, and therefore set out for Petersburg. The sanguinary ambition of the Empress would not listen to my proposals until I took a private opportunity, taking a cup of coffee with Her Majesty, to tell her that I would absolutely sacrifice myself for the general good of mankind, and if she would accede to my proposals would, on the completion of the canal, ipso facto, give her my hand in marriage. My dear, dear Baron, said she, I accede to everything you please and agree to make peace with the port on the conditions you mention. And added she, rising with all the majesty of the Tsarina, Empress of half the world, be it known to all subjects that we ordain these conditions for such is our royal will and pleasure. I now proceeded to the Isthmus of Suez at the head of a million Russian pioneers, and there united my forces with a million of Turks, armed with shovels and pickaxes. They did not come to cut each other's throat, but for their mutual interest, to facilitate commerce and civilization, and pour all the wealth of India by a new channel into Europe. My brave fellows, said I, consider the immense labour of the Chinese to build their celebrated wall. Think of what superior benefit to mankind is our present undertaking. Persevere and fortune will second your endeavours. It is Manchausen who leads you on, and be convinced of success. Saying these words, I drove my chariot with all my might and my former track, that vestige mentioned by the Baron D'Tott. And when I was advanced considerably, I felt my chariot sinking under me. I attempted to drive on, but the ground, or rather immense vault, giving way. My chariot and all went down precipitately. Stunned by the fall, it was some moments before I could recollect myself. When at length to my amazement, I perceived myself fallen into the Alicandrine Library. Overwhelmed in an ocean of books, thousands of volumes came tumbling on my head amidst the ruins of that part of the vault through which my chariot had descended, and for a time buried my bulls and all beneath a heap of learning. However, I contrived to extricate myself and advanced with awful admiration through the vast avenues of the library. I perceived on every side innumerable volumes and repositories of ancient learning, and all the science of the antediluvian world. Here I met with Hermes Trismegistus and a parcel of old philosophers debating upon the politics and learning of their days. I gave them inexpressible delight in telling them in a few words all the discoveries of Newton and the history of the world since their time. These gentry, on the contrary, told me a thousand stories of antiquity that some of our antiquarians would give their very eyes to hear. In short, I ordered the library to be preserved, and I intend making a present of it, as soon as it arrives in England, to the Royal Society, together with Hermes Trismegistus and half a dozen old philosophers. I've got a beautiful cage made in which I keep these extraordinary creatures and feed them with bread and honey as they seem to believe in a kind of doctrine of transmigration and will not touch flesh. Hermes Trismegistus especially is a most antique-looking being, with a beard half a yard long, covered with a robe of golden embroidery and parrots like a parrot. He'll cut a very brilliant figure in the museum. Having made a track with my chariot from sea to sea, I ordered my Turks and Russians to begin, and in a few hours we had the pleasure of seeing a fleet of British East Indian men in full sail through the canal. The officers of this fleet were very polite and paid me every applause and congratulation my exploits could merit. They told me of their affairs in India and the ferocity of that dreadful warrior, Tipu Sahib, on which I resolved to go to India and encounter the tyrant. I travelled down the Red Sea to Madras and, at the head of a few sepoys and Europeans, pursued the flying army of Tipu to the gates of Serangapatam. I challenged him to mortal combat and, mounted on my steed, rode up to the walls of the fortress amidst a storm of shells and cannonballs. As fast as the bombs and cannonballs came upon me, I caught them in my hands like so many pebbles and, throwing them against the fortress, demolished the strongest ramparts of the place. I took my mark so direct that whenever I aimed a cannonball or a shell at any person on the ramparts I was sure to hit him. And one time perceived a tremendous piece of artillery pointed against me, and knowing the ball must be so great it would certainly stun me, I took a small cannonball, and just as I perceived the engineer going to order them to fire and opening his mouth to give the word of command, I took aim and drove my ball precisely down his throat. Tipu, fearing that all would be lost, that a general and successful storm would ensue if I continued to batter the place, came forth upon his elephant to fight me. I saluted him and insisted he should fire first. Tipu, though a barbarian, was not deficient in politeness and declined the compliment upon which I took off my hat and bowing, told him it was an advantage Munchausen should never be said to accept from so gallant a warrior. On which Tipu instantly discharged his carbine, the ball from which hitting my horses here made him plunge with rage and indignation. In return I discharged my pistol at Tipu and shot off his turban. He had a small field piece mounted with him on his elephant, which he then discharged at me, with a rapeshot coming in a shower, rattled in the laurels that covered and shaded me all over, and remained pendant like berries on the branches. I then, advancing, took the proposcas of his elephant, and turning it against the rider struck him repeatedly with the extremity of it on either side of the head until I at length dismounted him. Nothing could equal the rage of the barbarian finding himself thrown from his elephant. He rose in a fit of despair and rushing against my steed and myself, but I scorned to fight him at so great a disadvantage on his side and directly dismounted to fight him hand to hand. Never did I fight with any man who bore himself more nobly than this adversary. He parried my blows and dealt home his own in return with astonishing precision. The first blow of his sabre I received upon the bridge of my nose and the butt for the bony firmness of that part of my face it would have descended to my mouth. I still bear the mark upon my nose. He next made a furious blow at my head, but I, parrying, deadened to the force of his sabre so that I received but one scar on my forehead, and at the same instant by a blow of my sword cut off his arm and his hand and sabre fell to the earth. He tottered for some paces and dropped at the foot of his elephant. That satious animal, seeing the danger of his master, endeavored to protect him by flourishing his proboscis round the head of the Sultan. Fearless I advanced against the elephant, desirous to take alive the hoday to Pusahi, but he drew a pistol from his belt and discharged it full in my face as I rushed upon him, which did me no further harm than wound my cheekbone, which disfigures me somewhat under my left eye. I could not withstand the rage and impulse of that moment, and with one blow of my sword separated his head from his body. I returned overland from India to Europe with admirable velocity, so that the account of Tipu's defeat by me has not as yet arrived by the ordinary passage, nor can you expect to hear of it for a considerable time. I simply relate the encounter as it happened between the Sultan and me, and if there be any one who doubts the truth of what I say he is an infidel and I will fight him at any time and place and with any weapon he pleases. Hearing so many persons talk about raising the royal George, I began to take pity on that final ruin of British plank and determined to have her up. I was sensible of the failure of the various means hitherto employed for the purpose and therefore inclined to try a method different from any before attempted. I got an immense balloon made of the toughest sail-cloth and having descended in my diving-bell and properly secured the hull with enormous cables, I ascended to the surface and fastened my cables to the balloon. Protigious multitudes were assembled to behold the elevation of the royal George, and as soon as I began to fill my balloon with inflammable air the vessel evidently began to move, but when my balloon was completely filled she carried up the royal George with the greatest rapidity. The vessel appearing on the surface occasion a universal shout of triumph and the millions assembled on the occasion. Still the balloon continued descending, trailing the hull after like a lantern at the tail of a kite, and in a few minutes appeared floating among the clouds. It was then the opinion of many philosophers that it would be more difficult to get her down than it had been to draw her up, but I convinced them to the contrary by taking my aim so exactly with a twelve-pounder that I brought her down in an instant. I considered that if I should break the balloon with a cannonball while she remained with the vessel over the land the fall would inevitably occasion the destruction of the hull and which in its fall might crush some of the multitude. Therefore I thought it safer to take my aim when the balloon was over the sea and pointing my twelve-pounder drove the ball right through the balloon on which the inflammable air rushed out with great force and the royal George descended like a falling star into the very spot from whence she had been taken. There she still remained, and I have convinced all Europe though the possibility of taking her up. End of Chapter 33 Recording by Mike Harris Recording by Troy Bond The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen by Rudolf Erich Rasp Chapter 34 The Baron makes a speech to the National Assembly and drives out all the members, routes the fish women in the National Guards, pursues the whole route into a church where he defeats the National Assembly with Rousseau, Voltaire and Beelzebub at their head and liberates Marie Antoinette and the royal family. Passing through Switzerland on my return from India, I was informed that several of the German nobility had been deprived of the honors and immunities of their French estates. I heard of the sufferings of the amiable Marie Antoinette and swore to avenge every look that had threatened her with insult. I went to the cavern of these anthropophagy, her several to debate and gracefully putting the hilt of my sword to my lips. I swear, cried I, by the sacred cross of my sword, that if you do not instantly reinstate your king and his nobility and your injured queen, I will cut the one half of you to pieces. On which the president, taking up a leaden ink stand, flungered at my head. I stooped to avoid the blow and rushing to the tribunal, seized the speaker, who was fulminating against the aristocrats and taking the creature by one leg, flung him at the president. I laid about me most nobly, drove them all out of the house and locking the doors, put the key in my pocket. I then went to the poor king and making my obeisance to him. Sire, I said I, your enemies have all fled. I alone am the national assembly at present and I shall register your edicts to recall the princes and the nobility and in future, if your majesty pleases, I will be your parliament and council. He thanked me and the amiable Marie Antoinette smiling gave me her hand to kiss. At that moment I perceived a party of the national assembly who had rallied with the national guards and a vast procession of fish women advancing against me. I deposited their majesties in a place of safety and with my drawn sword I advanced against my foes. Three hundred fish women with bushes dressed with ribbons in their hands came hallowing and roaring against me like so many furies. I scorned to defile my sword with their blood but seized the first that came up and making her kneel down I knighted her with my sword which so terrified the rest that they all set up a frightful yell and ran away as fast as they could for fear of being aristocratted As to the national guards and the rest of the assembly I soon put them to flight and having made prisoners of some of them compelled them to take down their national and put the old royal cockade in its place. I then pursued the enemy to the top of a hill where a most noble edifice dazzled my sight. Noble and sacred it was but now converted to the vilest purposes their Monument de Grande-Homme a Christian church that these Saracens had perverted into abomination. I burst open the doors and entered sword in hand. Here I observed all the national assembly marching around a great altar erected to Voltaire. There was his statue in triumph and the fish women with garlands decking it and singing I could bear the sight no longer but rushed upon these pagans and sacrificed them dozens on the spot. The members of the assembly and the fish women continued to evoke the great Voltaire in all their masters in this monument de Grande-Homme imploring them to come down and soothe them against the aristocrats and the sword of Munchausen. Their cries were horrible like the shrieks of witches and enchanters versed in magic and the black art while the thunder growled and storm shook the battlements and Russo, Voltaire and Beelzebub appeared, three horrible specters, one all meager, mere skin and bone and cadaverous seemed death that hideous skeleton, it was Voltaire and in his hand were a liar and a dagger on the other side was Russo with a chalice of sweet poison in his hand and between them was their father Beelzebub. I shuddered at the sight and with all the enthusiasm of rage horror and piety rushed in among them. I seized that cursed skeleton Voltaire and soon compelled him to renounce all the errors he had advanced and while he spoke the words as if by magic charm the whole assembly shrieked and the pandemonium began to tumble and hideous ruin on their heads. I returned in triumph to the palace where the queen rushed into my arms weeping tenderly. Ah, as our flower of nobility cried she were in nobles of France like thee, we should have never been brought to this. I bade the lovely creature dry her eyes and with the king and Dauphin ascend my carriage and drive post to Mont-Medis as not an instant was to be lost. They took my advice and drove away. I conveyed them within a few miles of Mont-Medis when the king, thanking me for my assistance, hoped I would not trouble myself any further as he was then presumed out of danger and the queen also with tears in her eyes daked me on her knees and presented the Dauphin for my blessing. In short I left the king eating a mutton chop. I advised him not to delay or he would certainly be taken and setting spirits in my horse wished them a good evening and returned to England. If the king remained too long at table and was taken it was not my fault. End of Chapter 34 End of The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen by Rudolph Eric Rasp