 The Grape Nuts Flakes program starring Orson Welles, who is pinch-hitting for Jack Benny, with Dennis Day, Rod Chester, yours truly, Don Wilson, and back with us after an absence of three months, good old Phil Harris at his orchestra! Remember that game we used to play when we were kids called Fortune, where somebody says, heavy, heavy hangs over thy head, and then you guess what? Well, if any of you homemakers have the same heavy, heavy hangs over my head feeling about organizing breakfast every morning, guess what? I have some good fortune news for you. Serve a heaping bowl full of crisp, toasty brown grape nuts flakes that you can dish up in no time at all. And you know what will happen? You'll discover your family is so easy to please. Yes, easy as pie to please, once they've tasted the tempting goodness and moldy, rich, sweet as a nut flavor of this famous breakfast food. And grape nuts flakes are a whole grain cereal as nutritious as they are delicious. A swell starter offer for the day. Better order that big economy-sized package of grape nuts flakes, America's fastest-growing breakfast cereal, and leave that old ration book of yours at home, folks. Grape nuts flakes are not rationed. That was it. It's a grand old flag played by Phil Harrison, his orchestra. And Phil, it certainly is nice having you with us. This is really like old pie. Well, that goes for me too, Don. I'm sure glad to be back on the program. By the way, what do you hear from Jackson? Is he still late up in Chicago? Yes, Phil, and Mary writes me that he's getting along as well as can be expected. You know, that's a pretty severe cold he caught. Well, it's his own fault for taking a bath without any clothes on. Oh, it sure is. Phil, you're right back in form. Yeah, but if they ever ration corn, I'm a dead duck. Hey, Don, what time does Orson Welles get here? Oh, pretty soon now, Phil. You know, I'm anxious to get acquainted with that guy. I ain't never met him. Well, now, Phil, don't say ain't never in front of Orson, or he'll take his cane and flatten the curls right out of your hair. Oh, you don't worry me. When I put on the dog, you'd think I was graduated at Oxnard. Phil, you mean Oxford. Oh, right. So I got my towns mixed up. Well, just let it go. Well, here's Dennis Day. Hiya, kid. Hello, Mr. Harris. Say, Mr. Wilson, what do you hear from Mr. Benny? Oh, he's getting along much better, Dennis. Darn it. And I mailed him a pint of blood this morning. A pint of blood? I bumped my nose on a door. There was no use wasting it. Hey, kid, have I got news for you? Guess who's taking Jack's place on the program tonight? Who? Orson Welles. That's who Orson Welles. Gosh, I'm scared. What are you scared of? Orson may be a little eccentric, but after all, he's a genius. A genius? You mean he can figure out his income tax? I wouldn't doubt it. He's probably all set for tomorrow. Well, that must be Orson now. Come in. Pardon me. Has Mr. Welles arrived yet? No, no, not yet. I am his secretary, Ms. Harrington. If you don't mind, I'll wait for him. No, no, come right in. Thank you. Now, which one of these microphones will be used by Mr. Welles? That one right there, Miss. Then I shall spray it. There now. That's better. Well, I'll be darned. Ain't that class? Young man, are you Phil Harris? Yes, ma'am. Then hold still. All right now. I'll take that call and not speak to Mr. Welles. Hello? Who's calling, please? Buenos Aires? I'm sorry Mr. Welles isn't in right now. I'll have him call you. Very well. Wow, Buenos Aires. I didn't know Orson knew anybody in Australia. Australia? Mr. Harris, Buenos Aires is in South America. Would you like to make a little bet on that, sister? One more word and I shall spray you again. Now, calm down, Phil. And for heaven's sakes, when Orson comes in, don't flaunt your ignorance. What do you mean ignorance? See this book I got here? It says Shakespeare on it, don't it? So what? So when Orson comes in, I'll be reading Shakespeare. Like this. Oh, for goodness' sakes, Phil. You're reading the book upside down. That's the hard way. All I know is it's Shakespeare. Well, that must be Orson now. Mr. Welles never knocked. He kicks the door right down. Oh, come in. Studio B, I presume. Yes. I've come to clear the way for Mr. Welles. I'm Mr. Toodle Quirtle, his secretary. Hey, his secretary? Then who's Ms. Harrington? She's his private secretary. I am right out in the open. Oh, well, come right in. Thank you. Ms. Harrington, has Mr. Welles' microphone been sprayed? Yes, also, Mr. Harris. Good. Ah, the master approaches. Good evening, Mrs. Orson Welles. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Ms. Harrington, has this microphone been sprayed? Yes, Mr. Welles. Well, Orson, I can't tell you how much we appreciate your coming over here tonight. It's awfully nice of you to step into Jack's shoes. I'm glad to do it, Don. It's a pleasure to step into a pair of shoes nowadays, without handing over a coupon. Orson, that's a loo, loo. A loo, loo. Ms. Harrington, are you sure this man has been sprayed? Quite. Oh, by the way, has the call come in for me from South America? Yes, and I told them to call back. I hope she does. She's a lovely dish. By the way, Mr. Wilson, who is that lad peeking at me from behind your left hip? Oh, oh, pardon me, Orson. This is Dennis Day, our tenant. It's a pleasure, Dennis. Come over here and shake hands. Go ahead and kill me. I got insurance. You don't be silly, my boy. Don't be silly. All tenants shouldn't be killed. Hey, Orson, get a load of this book I'm reading. Well, I'll be darned. Shakespeare Sideways. Why, Mr. Harris, I didn't know you were fond of Shakespeare. Oh, yes, yes. Well, what's that you're reading now? Well, it's a fascinating drama. It's called King Henry IV. IV? That's King Henry IV. The IV is IV in Roman numerals. You mean to say them Romans counted with letters instead of numbers? Precisely. You see, in them days, Phil, them was the thing to do. Oh, I get it, a fad like that. Yes, a fad like that. Now, let's proceed to the program, shall we? What is your musical contribution this evening, Mr. Harris? Well, the boys and me are going to play that great old number written by George M. Cohan, Yankee Doodle Dancer. Excellent. Play, Phil. Take a letter, Ms. Harrington. Yes, Mr. Wells. Professor James Brimston, Harvard University, dear professor. I have recently come upon a specimen which should prove of great interest in your study of subnormal extroverts. At present, he is conducting the orchestra on a well-known radio program, but I am sure we'll go ahead and play, Phil. Okay, hit it, boys. Wow, I'm getting a build-up at Harvard. I can sign that your obedient servant, Orton Wells. That was Yankee Doodle Dandy, played by Phil Harris in his orchestra. And, Phil, I must say, that splendid arrangement has brilliantly executed. Orton, you thrilled me. I'm glad. However, if you don't mind a suggestion, a little more Andante and pianissimo in the penultimate passage would have enhanced the orchestral overtone. Is that clear? No, but them big words send me like a slug of bourbon. Ms. Harrington, remind me to add a P.S. to that letter. Come in. Mr. Wells, pardon me for busting, interrupting. But I've had the hiccups for two weeks. Would you please frighten me? I'd be glad to. Thank you. The biggest laugh on the show. Feeling any better? Oh, wonderful. Thank you. Interesting chap. I'm sorry he left so soon. As I was about to say, Phil, you have a splendid musical organization, but it should be augmented. How many men have you got now? Well, I've got 17 not counting my uncle. He's the guy with the cymbals. Cymbals? I heard no cymbals. You would if my uncle didn't always get his head caught between them. He should stop banging his head. He's gradually working it into a pyramid. Now, Phil, an orchestra of 17 men is adequate, but it's not in the Wells tradition. It ain't? No, next week I want you to multiply that number tenfold. Take a note, Miss Harrington. I want timpani. I want oboes. I want bassoons. And a gross piccolo. But Orson, who's going to pay for all this? Jack Benny, of course. Jack Benny? Yes, you won't be glad to do it. You can't be thinking of the Jack Benny we know. There'll be no trouble. I spoke to Jack on the long-distance phone yesterday. He told me money was no object. Let me ask you something, Orson. Who paid for that call? Come to think of it, I did. Take a note, Miss Harrington. The piccolos are out. Yes, Mr. Wells. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I think it's about time what is a total quartal. I've been working out the course to enlarging the orchestra, and I have some figures for your approval. Good. What's the total, total quartal? I mean, what's the total, total quartal? Yes. $5,000 additional expenditure per week. Excellent. Dennis, I see you have your mouth open. Did you want to say something, or are you just breathing the easy way? Come, come. What is it? Well, well, as long as you're throwing money around, how about giving me a raise? Well, that depends, Dennis. What is Mr. Benny paying you now? $12 a week, but when I do his laundry, $14. You mean to tell me Mr. Benny makes you do his washing for him? Some weeks it's only a pair of socks, but it ruins me socially. Well, Dennis, you certainly deserve more than $14 a week. Now on, you're getting $15. Oh, boy. Now you can do my laundry. Matter of fact, if you don't ruin my collars, Dennis, I'm a... That can't be John Charles Thomas. No, it's Andy Devine. Come on in. I'll bring you into town. Well, I put you to steer out on my ranch, so I thought I'd bring a couple of T-bone steaks into my girlfriend, Rita Hayworth. Rita Hayworth? Is she your girlfriend? Well, she will be till the meat's gone. That's certainly a new approach to glamour girls. Say, Arthur, what do you hear from old Buck Manley? How's his cold? Well, he's still in bed, Andy, but he's coming along pretty well. You know, Ma sent him a big bottle of her homemade cough medicine and wart remover. Cough medicine and wart remover. That sounds like powerful stuff. You said it. Hart took a swig of it this morning, and the next thing we knew, he was out in the barn milking the cow with his toes. There was milk all over the place. I can imagine. Well, I gotta run over to Rita's house now. Say, Andy, I just thought of something. Why don't you bring your T-bone steaks and Rita Hayworth over to my house? And we'll all have dinner together. What do you say? Well, I ain't no genius, Orton, but I can see through that. Don't harm in that. Let's proceed with the program. Ladies and gentlemen, we will now have a song from Mr. Don Wilton. Wait a minute, Mr. Wells. I'm the singer around here. I know that, Dennis, but let's give the public something different tonight. Go ahead, Wilton. But I can't sing, Orton. I don't know a thing about music. Then I'll have to sing myself. Oh, no, it would look egotistical. You better sing this week, Dennis. Okay. Take a note, Ms. Harrington. Don Wilton must take singing lessons. Next Sunday, Pagliacci. Go ahead, Dennis. It's you, it's you. Must go, and I must go. Ah, come ye, oh, Danny boy. And when ye come, and all the flowers are done. If I am dead, as dead, I will asswear and save. A friend I shall hear. Dennis, that was a beautiful salute to St. Patrick's Day. You know, it really takes an Irishman to sing an Irish song. You are Irish, aren't you, Dennis? Just pray me and see what happens. I'm sure I'd never attempt it. Dennis, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, pardon me for interrupting, Orson. But at this time, I generally say a few words about toasty brown sweet as a nut. Great nuts, Blake. I'm glad you brought that up, Don, because I have a few suggestions in mind that I'd like to speak to the sponsor about. Speak to the sponsor. Speak to the sponsor. Speak to the sponsor. Of course, speak to the sponsor. Oh, Miss Harrington. Yes, Mr. Welles. Get me New York on the telephone. I want to talk to Mr. Mortimer of General Foods. Speak to the sponsor. Young man, will you please pop your eyes back in. See, Don, I love grape nuts flakes. In fact, I have them for breakfast nearly every morning, and it's my thought that a few changes, sir. Only a New York call, Mr. Welles. The operator says there will be a three-hour delay. Delay nothing. Give me that phone. Hello, operator. This is Orson Welles. I want that New York call, and I want it now. Hello. Hello, Mr. Mortimer. This is Orson Welles. Now, I have a few changes I'd like to have put into effect immediately. Jot these down, will you, old boy? Jot. He told the sponsor to jot. Dennis, please. The first place, Mr. Mortimer. I love grape nuts flakes, and I can see the reason they're America's fastest growing flake cereal. Thank you. However, have you got your pencil ready, old boy? Well, get one for heaven's sake. Please, Mr. Welles, remember what happened to your last sponsor. We never mentioned that. Now, first, Mr. Mortimer, in place of Mr. Benny's, I'd like my picture put on the box. I shall be dressed in tights with a spear in my hand. Tights and a spear. Speak to the sponsor. Next, instead of 12 ounces of tiny, individual grape nuts flakes, I think each box should contain one huge 12-ounce flake. Not one flake. But, Mr. Welles, that's impractical. Type your resignation, toodle whittle. Yes, sir. Quiet! Finally, Mr. Mortimer, from a standpoint of efficiency, I believe that each box of grape nuts flakes should contain its own portion of sugar and cream right inside the package. What do you think of that idea? It does not! Thank it over, Mr. Mortimer. Goodbye. I feel much better now, taking my mind for its daily romp. You know, I got to hand it to you, Orson. I bet you've got brains you ain't never even used yet. Well... I've got brains I haven't used either. That's the trouble. You know, Orson, it's been an amazing experience working with you tonight. I'd just love to watch you make a picture sometime. Why don't you and the gang pay a little visit to Orson Welles Productions next week? I'm shooting now. You can come right out to the set. Hey, Orson, I want to ask you something. Yes, Phil. Is it true? Yes, it is. Hey, Orson, I want to ask you something. Yes, Phil. Is it true that you act, write, produce, and direct every picture you're in, or is that a lot of baloney? Maybe a lot of baloney, but I'd do it. Anyway, fellas, why don't you come out to the studio next week for lunch, and I'll make a picture for you in the afternoon? A whole picture? Yes, and not an epic, just a good, solid drama with a message. Now, Mary should be here early in the week, so when she arrives, I want you... I'll take it, excuse me. Hello? Hello, Mr. Wells, this is Rochester. Oh, Rochester, huh? Where are you? I'm calling for Mr. Benny's apartment in Chicago. Well, how is Mr. Benny? He's feeling better today. As a matter of fact, he was playing cards all afternoon with Miss Van Jones, his nurse. Miss Van Jones? That's me in a white dress. Oh, I see. I'm so tired of being cally, I could scream. Well, Rochester, you've been close to Mr. Benny for a long time, you should be a pretty good nurse for him. I don't know about that. For two days, I stuck the wrong end of the thermometer in his mouth and his temperature was five below zero. Five below zero? Mrs. Devine's cough syrup got here just in time to defrost him. Well, isn't Miss Livingston there to help you with the patient? Miss Livingston? Oh, Mr. Benny won't let her in the room after what happened last night. Why? What happened? She pulled her mustard plaster off his chest too fast and now that eagle he's got tattooed has to be refellowed. That's unfortunate. Rochester, thanks for calling and tell Mr. Benny we all hope to see him up and around real soon. Okay, I'll tell him. Goodbye, Miss Welles. Uh, goodbye. Well, Jack's a grandfather. I think I'll let his picture remain on the great nuts flakes box alongside of mine. He can carry the spear for me. Play, Phil. An E for excellence is what our government gives the war factories who do a super, super job. What we think you homemakers ought to get a few E's for excellence too. For doing a super job of feeding your families under wartime difficulties. And every time you serve the folks a delicious breakfast of great nuts flakes you're really passing along the ammunition. You're giving a home front war worker a lot of the energy and driving power he needs to help him do better work. That's because tempting, multi-rich great nuts flakes are a whole grain cereal the kind of food our government wants us to serve more of. For whole grain cereals like great nuts flakes are plentiful, unrationed and all around nourishing. In every bowl full of toasty brown great nuts flakes and milk you get essential whole grain food values including minerals, proteins and vitamins. Many of the same food essentials found in meat. So keep up the good work with great nuts flakes. Remember you don't part with a single ration stamp when you buy this delicious, nutritious and 50 cereals. And so until next Sunday ladies and gentlemen this is your obedient servant Orson Welles and Jack I know I'm speaking for the whole gang here and wishing you a speedy recovery. Isn't that right folks? Inside of Orson Welles this program is written by Bill Marrow and Ed Beloit.