 There are different ways anger can play out and I think for a lot of people The reason their anger problems are ongoing Is is shame? I think a lot of some of us we see ourselves acting out in ways that are harmful to people we care about And then very quickly we have this this shame response that comes in. Oh, I'm a bad partner I'm a bad, you know, whatever. There's something wrong with me. I'm the guy that always f sit up, right? That's so painful that we then Move into avoidance and when you're angry avoidant strategies Look a little different than they do in other places. For example blaming Right, that's a primary avoidant strategy. I only said that to you because you da da da da da da, right? And that avoidance prevents us from ever figuring the situation out or doing better I think another way That anger can can play out in tricky ways are people who have a lot of shame initially Who haven't learned to connect well with others Maybe they're avoidantly attached, right? They didn't have caregivers that were there consistently when they were distressed growing up So they didn't learn to be soothed through connection And so when when difficult emotions like anger or whatever else comes up They don't know how to soothe, right? They they haven't learned that if I connect with people that care about me I can feel better and so what happens is you get people who instead of You may have heard If you can't beat them join them. Have you heard that phrase if you can't beat them join? That's not how we're wired at all. I think the way it works with humans is if you can't join them beat them We're designed to join to feel better through connection But when you've got people who can't do that because they don't have the skills or their history hasn't taught them How and they're distressed they think well if I can't I can't join you better that I'd be more powerful More dominant on top of the hierarchy and these are the people who will lash out in anger The other people recede and they think yeah, look at me. I want Yep, right and there's a lot of that in the culture right now too. So those are two tricky ways it can Anger can play out and and and shame kind of intersects with in a way That's really difficult the way to approach those is to help people sort of slow down And sort of identify how it works in them And what the triggers are and then also to get them thinking about things like well, what What role do I want to play in the lives of my my partner my wife my kids? How do I want them to feel when I'm around? Do I want them to feel loved and safe or do I want them to feel threatened? How do I want them to feel about themselves when I'm around? Right a lot of how we relate to ourselves Is shaped by how other people's treat us. So if I treat you respectfully and lovingly You'll come to experience yourself as someone who's worthy of respect and love if I treat you dismissively or or critically all the time and and attacking you learn that oh, I can't I'm someone who doesn't do anything right Right, and I think most people no matter how hostile when they really sit back and think gosh. What role do I want to play? in the lives of the people I care about They they want other people to feel safe around them. They want other people's lives to be enhanced to feel better That's your fuel That's your fuel not the anger your fuel is The kind of person you want to be and and and once you're courageous enough to ask You know, how do I want to show up in the world and what do I need to do? What would be helpful for me to do that? That's a different approach to it then. Oh look, I do this things and I'm horrible because I do these things And I've got to do something If if we approach working with our anger in critical ways that keep us in threat Then we're stuck in the same loop right? It's just like if we attack somebody else There we're not going to get someone else out of their anger by convincing them that their anger is wrong