 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the five things women do that cause men to ghost or pull away. And number four is the worst thing. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if anytime during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love, and a lot of heart. Occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence. So if F-bombs are not your thing, then I highly recommend you logging off right now. Also, I wanna mention, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a therapist, I'm in no way suggesting that what I'm about to say is the truth, it's just merely my perspective. And one last thing, I'm a little bit dyslexic, so I sometimes mix words up, so if you hear me do a major faux pas, is because what's in my brain doesn't necessarily come out of my mouth exactly the way I'd like it. All right, let's jump into those five things women do that cause men to ghost or disappear or run away. First, I wanna differentiate between ghosting and pulling away, because I'm gonna be candid, I shot a video this morning earlier about ghosting. When a person ghosts, and let's differentiate between someone that you've went out on one date and they never called you again. That's not ghosting, that's just, I'm not interested in you and there was no need to plan another date with you. However, if certainly if you've been in relationship with someone, you've spent regular time together, you've been intimate with them, and then all of a sudden they disappear for no reason, they cut you out of their life, maybe they block you on their phone, maybe they cut you out on social media, for example. I'm gonna say that's really shitty thing to do to another human being too. Absolutely, cut someone off for no reason, and especially if it happens out of the blue. So I'm here to say anybody who does that, that's chicken shit, oftentimes it's because, if we wanna look at the because, it's because men in general have this belief system that hell have no fury like a woman's scorn, so they believe that by not doing something, it actually is better than just simply saying, I'm not interested in you anymore, but even then that can be a challenge for a lot of people to lean into that conversation. Now pulling away is a little bit differently because the reality is, is a relationship is a kind of always coming together and pulling away and coming together, pulling away. And what I mean by pulling away is you're reevaluating, you're reevaluating, you're reevaluating the relationship. And I think on some level, that's a healthy thing to do to reevaluate. So long as you're intentional about the process of actually having transparency with your partner as to what's going on. Because while I don't believe that we have to say everything that's in our mind, however, if someone has actually got legitimate doubts, I think those are important things to discuss. So I just differentiated between ghosting and say garden variety pulling away. Now in most cases, most cases, when a man ghosts or starts pulling away, it's mostly because what's happening in his life is a reflection of his incapacity to go deeper into a relationship. Let me repeat that. What's happening in his life causes an incapacity to go deeper into the relationship. So most likely what's happening is there's a level of chaos going on in his life. Maybe he's going through a contentious divorce. Maybe he has issues at work. Maybe he's got some stuff coming up with his children. Maybe he's got elderly parents that he has to navigate and take care of. And so maybe the ground underneath him doesn't feel solid to actually be in a relationship. At least a fully committed relationship that also is there to nurture the emotional side of the relationship as well as the physical side. And many people are not in a space to do that or at least in a solid space to do that. Certainly I'm not a big advocate. If someone's life is in total chaos, the worst thing to do is actually start to explore a relationship with someone because chances are that person can't actually even be in relationship. It's the minor chaos where it gets a little tricky because I'm here to say is human beings want connection. We human beings want connection with one another. We want physical intimacy with one another. But that doesn't mean that they're all, everybody is capable of being in a relationship with one another. So I've just explained to you what happens in most cases. What I'm about to share with you are the things that actually women do that cause relationships to implode. And I'm here to say what I'm about to share these five things that we're going to talk about. This is true of men and women alike. So what I'm going to share is what women do that cause men to pull away or ghost. But if men are doing the same thing, women oftentimes pull away or ghost. Actually that's not true. Let me backtrack for a second. Men can be jerks and assholes. And I find it shocking how many women will stay in relationship with men who are jerks and assholes. So to differentiate, I think oftentimes once a woman has attached herself to a man, attached herself to a man, it's much harder to pull away when he's being a jerk or asshole. Versus what happens with men when a woman is being what I'm about to share these five things. It's one of the primary reasons when these things happen, it's what causes men to either ghost or pull away. So we're going to jump into these five things. I'm going to put on my trusty glasses because I have my notes here. Everybody knows me, there's my notes. All right, by the way, I'm also on Instagram. So if I look at the camera here or look at the camera there, it's because I'm on YouTube and Instagram. All right, so these five things that women not all the time do, but may do that cause men to ghost or pull away are the following. And number one, it triggers a parental wound. It triggers a parental wound. Now, oftentimes, and here's an interesting thing and I've experienced this in my life and I've spoken to other men and they've said the same thing. When a woman is being oftentimes, oh, let me backtrack. The things I'm about to share, some women are completely unaware they're doing this and others are doing it because they're unconscious. So an unconscious is a little different than unaware, but when I'm about it, but when I share this, it'll all make sense in a moment. So when a woman is actually being nurturing and being helpful, that could actually trigger a mother wound in a lot of men when a woman is being helpful or being nurturing. And what I mean by mother wound is it might feel like controlling behavior. Let me repeat that. It might feel like controlling behavior. A lot of men have expressed this to me. I've discussed this with a lot of men that the women that they're in relationship, when a woman is trying to be helpful in some cases, it might feel like mothering. And when men are feeling mothering from a woman, it can actually cause him to recoil and pull away. And this is really tricky because from your perspective, you're just being a good person in the relationship. So it's usually when help is coming from a framework, I'm telling you what to do. When something is more like a direction than coming from a place of advice, from a place of curiosity. Let me repeat that. When it's a direction, it oftentimes can trigger that mother or father wound of being told what to do. And men don't like to be told what to do. I'm sure women don't like to be told what nobody likes to be told what to do. And sometimes this is a purely unaware behavior that women have with men. I have a dear friend who's a sweetheart, who's a sweetheart and when we're together, she's always trying to help me. And it might be a simple thing when I'm spending time with her, but she doesn't realize that she's doing it from a place of telling me what to do. And now I just say, will you stop being my mother? And because we're friends, there's no need for me to goster pull away because we're simply friends. But I will tell you this oftentimes when you're triggering a parental wound, men can do this with women, women can do this men. It triggers something from the childhood, from our childhood. And that causes us to ghost pull away or disappear. By the way, let me repeat this. Ghosting is not, I think is a very disingenuine thing to do. I think pulling away is taking a step back so long as there's transparency if that pulling away is for a long period of time. Certainly if someone emotionally pulls away from a relationship for 24, 48 hours, that's nothing. I'm talking about pulling away for a long period of time, disengaging from the relationship. I'm a big proponent of being transparent because if it's material to the relationship, two people should be talking to one another. If it's material to the relationship. Okay, so triggering a parental wound. And by the way, this can be multiple parental wounds. There could be a variety of different parental wounds. I just use the one of telling which women tend to have a habit of doing. Number two, constant negativity or complaining. I gotta tell you, I witnessed this. I have a private group, I have a membership group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis. By the way, there's a link in the description below if you'd like to find out about my group where you can have direct access to me. But it's funny because I've seen women over the years oftentimes frame their responses to questions from a place of victim consciousness. In other words, somebody did something wrong to them. Oftentimes this is when women complain about male behavior, they're pointing the finger at men any time I hear the term narcissistic behavior and that sort of thing. It's oftentimes coming from a place of being a victim and coming from a place of negativity or complaining. Now folks, let me just say this. I'm a big proponent of being able to vent in our lives, to vent, but complaining is a level of criticism and especially when there's complaining about the opposite sex. But certainly when two people are in a relationship, I've witnessed this with women. And men do this as well when they constantly are in complaint mode. It's just literally, it's like chicken little, the sky is always falling, it's always somebody else's fault. They take no ownership of what's going on in their life and it's constant criticism and complaining. Believe me, if anybody is in a relationship with someone who's constantly negative, they're complaining all the time, I give the, you know what? You should ghost them, you know, you should ghost them. I'm sorry. But people that, and by the way, I'm sure you know people like that. You have friends who are constant negativity and negativity and complaining. Those are energy vampires. So the reason why a person ghosts is because they can't take it anymore. And they might pull away emotionally. And I don't believe that's something that a person actually wants to tell another person. Well, actually, if you've got no filter, it's probably easy to tell that person if you don't care, but that can be a very challenging thing to tell someone that they're constantly negative. And again, there are women as well as men that are completely unaware that they're doing this on a regular habitual basis, their negativity or complaining. Okay, number three. Oh, this is called judging a man's resources or criticizing his efforts. Let me repeat that. Judging a man's resources or criticizing his efforts. I actually remembered a story one of my friends told me some years back where he, and he's a very generous, gracious kind of guy and he took his girlfriend to a really nice resort. And while they were pulling up to the resort and he was doing it as a surprise and he was covering the bill for everything, she goes, oh, this isn't the four seasons. Like, I mean, like really? Or this wasn't the built more or this wasn't, you know, whatever, fancy hotel, the Ritz-Carlton or whatever. I mean, to criticize someone's resources, and it might've been, you know, in this particular case, he didn't have the resources to take you to the fanciest place. Or I'll give you another example. This isn't resources, but this was criticizing efforts. I remember being in a relationship with a woman that was about a decade ago, and it was her birthday. And in fact, ironically, our birthdays were really close to one another. And I went shopping and I bought like 10, I bought 10 little gifts as long as, and when I say little gifts, I had this idea of like, you know, what's that Russian doll thing where you open it up and then there's another doll and you open it up, and I had this idea where she would just keep opening up all these small little gifts. And I probably spent, and there were some big ones in there too, but I spent hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars, I mean, could have been somewhere between 500 to 1,000 for all the birthday gifts I got her. But I got criticized because she didn't like all the small gifts. And I gotta tell you, that turned me off big time. That really shut me down because I was so excited. I did all this effort, I did all this effort to wanna make her happy. And I'm, but listen, I'm all in favor of speaking our truth to another because maybe she didn't like some of the gifts. And I understand that, but I'm also here to say when a person goes out of their way in a level of generosity and we're not appreciated for our efforts, that's a big time turn off, whether you're a man or a woman in relationship to be, to literally be criticized for your efforts. So that's another reason why men ghost or disappear. Number four, and this is the worst one of them all. And I can tell you that I've talked to so many men, good men who've had relationships and, and this is their number one complaint. They're not appreciated for their efforts. They're not appreciated for their efforts. I can tell you that, you know, when a man goes out of his, when a man takes you out to dinner on a first date or buys you drink, that takes effort. That's not supposed to be, it's a man's responsibility. That comes from a place of kindness, care and generosity. Sadly, we have been indoctrinated as, and I'm using this as one example, okay? Using this as one example that it's actually coming from a place of generosity when someone treats. And I gotta tell you, there's, I'm gonna bet that there's a one third of the female population that actually acts entitled as it's an expectation. And one of the things when someone comes from a place of entitlement or expectation, they are very, their level of gratitude is so minuscule. And I can tell you that one of the, one of men's biggest complaints in relationship, I was just using a first date as an example, but this is throughout a relationship when somebody's making effort. It might simply be like buying a gift or it might be treating or it might be doing something for the other person. When we're not appreciated on a regular basis for our efforts, we lose interest. I did a video last week and I talked about the four As in a relationship, and that's attention, affection, appreciation and acceptance. That third piece of appreciation. If you're not familiar with the book How to Be an Adult in Relationship, I highly recommend checking out this book, How to Be an Adult in Relationship because it talks about these four fundamentals in much greater detail that is oftentimes missing in vocabulary. And ladies, I'm gonna tell you something. We men are fucking tired of not feeling appreciated. Now, with that said, I know many of you. In fact, a big percentage of you also feel a lack of appreciation for your efforts in a relationship. This is why I'm such a big proponent of being intentional in the dating process instead of being passive in the dating process because when somebody's intentional you're actually thinking of the relationship in the context of attention, affection, appreciation. You're thinking in the context of like the five love languages. If you're not familiar with the book by Gary Chapman, the five love languages, learning and understanding a person's love language as an example is hugely important and that demonstrates a level of care. And sadly, most people today are dating, they're winging it, they're winging it, they're winging it, they're winging it. They're not intentional in the process and I'm here to encourage a level of intentionality because being demonstrative, being effusive, being appreciative should be something that's uttered every day in your relationship. I was in a relationship with my most significant relationship after my divorce and when we were together, we had a practice. Every night before we went to bed together we shared five things that we were most grateful for about, no, actually it was three things that we were most grateful for about the other. I can tell you a lack of gratitude and appreciation is one of the number one complaints for both men and women alike and it requires being intentional. Otherwise, your relationship is going to fail. They're going to fail. If it doesn't have a daily dose of attention, affection and appreciation and acceptance. And number five, number five, number five is, oh, constant trust issues, constant trust issues. You know, it's funny. I know of a couple of men who have told me this but they have been in relationship with women who are constantly checking on their phone, constantly scoping out the guy's social media pays and it's not because the man has done anything untrustworthy, it's because the woman inherently has trust issues. Ladies, if you have inherent trust issues most likely it's a result of either a past wound or pain or something from your childhood, maybe from your father who maybe abandoned your mother or maybe cheated on your mother. I can say that that oftentimes triggers significant trust issues. And by the way, we men cannot stand being in relationship with women in trust issues. And if you, it's like going back to that other thing I talked about, constant negativity. If someone has constant trust issues, I give them full, okay, by the way, not that you need my permission, but you know what, we should ghost those people. They are a big pain in the ass being with people with trust issues. Ladies, I'm sure you've been in relationship with men who have trust issues and I'm here to say people with trust issues are very problematic to be in relationship with. And so I'm here to say it's one of the primary, these five things that I just laid out are some of the things that women do that cause men to ghost or pull away. Is this sinking in, is this resonating? Please let me know, hit that like button, hit that heart button, let me know that this resonated and made sense. And hopefully I've added something to your repertoire that you hadn't thought of in the past. All right, we're gonna be taking, now it's a time for our Q&A, we're gonna be taking questions in a second. Just as a reminder, if you're watching the live stream only, not the recording, if you're listening to the live stream, you can post the word question and then write a question thereafter related to this content. I've already got a question that came up. Also, if you purchase a super sticker or super chat and post your question there, all of the proceeds goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. There's a picture of Connor right there and right there. He's my son who passed away. It's a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development for those who don't have enough funds to do a full coaching program with someone like myself or others. That's the intent of the scholarship fund. So again, super sticker, super chat. All right, our first question came into an email to me. So I'm gonna post it right now and we're gonna talk about it. All right, the question is, Jonathan, why do you criticize other dating advice? Jonathan, why do you criticize other dating advice? All right, great question. By the way, folks, if you've been following me for a while, you'll know that I actually criticize a lot of other dating advice. Now, does that mean I'm always negative and criticizing going back to that pulling away or ghosting? I'm here to say that part of my reasoning or my rationale is because I see and witness a lot. There is a tremendous amount of advice out there in the dating and relating realm or whether it's dating advice or relationship advice. And a lot of it is based on unhealthy principles that I am so object again. So again, if you watch my videos, you know, I often bring up the copy of the book, The Rules, The Rules. This is terrible. I mean, there are some nuggets in here. I will say this, like, you can never change a man. That's a good nugget. But there is, the advice in here is very manipulative and it's egoic-based. Let me repeat that. It's manipulative and egoic-based and it only temporarily creates attraction. This is why I criticize this behavior or this, you know, the content in books like this because it's not coming from a place of generosity. It's not coming from a place of care. It's coming from a place of manipulation and I am not a big proponent of people who are trying to manipulate one another. And I've gotten a lot of feedback from others here telling me they agree that this book is very manipulative. This is why I would much prefer all of you to read the book If the Buddha Dated. If the Buddha dated. Check out this book. This is a great book to lean into a more healthier way of looking at human beings, not based on gender expectations because I think part of the problem with the relationship advice, it's based on gender expectation and this book is all about how to be in a heart-centered space in relationship. Let me repeat that. How to be in a heart-centered space in relationship. Because let me give you some advice. Let me give you some examples of advice that I can't stand and why I criticize. First off, number one, you've heard this before. You've heard it a hundred thousand times. Men are hunters. They love the chase and they love to pursue. Okay, now that might be true for men in their 20s and 30s. Okay, this is basically based on cave men who chased buffalo, who chased buffalo so they could eat and they got used to being in the hunt. So for millions of years, men have chased buffalo. Somehow this applies to relationship advice. How the fuck does that apply to relationship advice? Ladies, when men are on the hunt and chase from a physical standpoint towards women, what are we hunting and chasing? Is it, I wanna be in a relationship, I wanna be in a relationship, I just wanna be in a relationship and I'm gonna hunt and hunt and hunt and I'm gonna pursue that. Is that what men are hunting? Or are men hunting sex? Because that's what they're on the hunt for. So to assume that men love the hunt and men love the chase, just understand this. Yes, we do, like to get laid and we like to make effort to get laid but that doesn't in no way mean we're hunting or chasing a relationship. Okay, in no way does that mean that. Okay, so to apply something that cave men did and then say it as dating rhetoric so women just know you can just sit back in your feminine energy and lean back and do nothing because a man will chase you because he wants to claim you because men are so chivalrous is a crock of shit because what are we chasing? We're chasing sex, okay? We're not chasing fully committed relationships. Now that's not to say that there are not, first off, I'm gonna repeat that. There are plenty of men out there who want a serious fully committed relationship who are not chasing sex. They're basically on the hunt for both, if you will. But you have to recognize this. The whole narrative that men are on the hunt represents fully committed relationship. That's not true. Another thing that you're told oftentimes that men are hardwired to be provider protectors. Men are hardwired to be provider protectors. So isn't it fascinating that over one third of kids born today, at least here in the United States that I'm aware of, are actually without, they're not co-parenting and the fathers are not actively involved in the children's life? One third, I Googled it this morning. Okay, it's actually, I think the number is even a little higher. So what does that say? If we are hardwired to do something that would mean that 99% of men would be wanting to provide and protect for their family, but that doesn't happen in a third of the cases. And also for the demographic that I speak to midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement, the vast majority of people who've gone through divorce are like this when it comes to the idea of taking on financial responsibility for someone else. So then when you're hearing this advice from oftentimes from female coaches telling you, well, men are hardwired to be provider protectors. So they're just gonna do everything so perfect in this relationship. Let's look at the reality of things. So when I criticize dating advice, it's because, yes, you can apply some things and make assumptions about things, but the reality is, does it hold up to the SNF test? Does it hold up to the SNF test? And no, it does not. What else did I put down here? Okay, what about women who are nurturers? Women are just natural nurturers, but didn't I say a moment ago that one of the biggest complaints from men is they don't feel appreciated in relationship? How can women who are natural nurturers not be appreciative of the men that they're in relationship if they're just natural hardwired to be nurturers? Now, to the extent that I do believe a woman who makes babies is more likely to be a nurturer to her child, does not necessarily equate to relationship. I know a ton of people in relationship with women who are absolutely entitled and they just feel that the man should do all the work and they should don't on that guy and the woman makes no effort. Now, I'm not suggesting that's you listening to this and if it is, hopefully this is your wake up call. So to come back as to why do I criticize other dating advice? Listen, I said this before, I'm not here to say that my advice is the absolute truth. I'm just offering perspective. You just take it for what it's worth if it resonates with you great and if it doesn't then it may not be your cup of tea and that's okay too. I'm just offering perspective. Thank, I wanna thank the person that sent in that question. I really appreciate it because it allowed me to share a little bit about why I share what I do. All right, we've got more questions that came in so let's take a look at the board. I saw a super sticker. Maria sent a super sticker. Oh, thank you, keep up the good work, Jonathan. I appreciate the $2, much appreciated. Eva writes, the rules is partly about wearing short dresses and going out as much as possible. I end up getting called a party girl and no dates. Yeah, thank you for sharing that as well. Let's see what else we have in the way of questions. We Jin says, Jonathan is speaking his truth from a place of reality, kindness and protection with good intentions, credible resources and research. I look at it from this perspective instead of criticism. We Jin, thank you so much. Folks, I will say this about my coaching practice. I like to think of myself as your big brother and if I could be there for you on a first date where I could have the shotgun out and pointed at the guy and say, what's your real intentions? I really wish I could be there for you in that capacity. This is one of the reasons why in my private coaching practice, and by the way, you can schedule a free discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you in the link below, is that in my coaching practice, I teach you how to vet for emotional maturity, how to ask the right questions to determine compatibility. If you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, I'm gonna show it on Instagram first, okay? My relationship iceberg, the top, the tip of the iceberg is chemistry, okay? That's the first thing we see because it's above water, okay? That's where attraction typically lies. But if you can see below the water where compatibility lies is shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And as you vet for these things, the waterline begins to drop and you actually have greater attraction for your partner. Let me put this up closer. You have greater attraction for your partner when you share the same values, when you have your lifestyles are capable of commingling with one another and you're with someone that has emotional maturity. And I'm here to say, ladies and gentlemen, 80% of the population, at least here in the United States anyway, are emotionally stunted at best when it comes to interpersonal romantic relationships. Let me repeat that, they are stunted at best, okay? It's a very small percentage of the population who is actually healthy enough to be in a relationship from a perspective of kindness, care and compassion and effective communication skills. And by the way, this is one of the reasons why the book, I recommend this book constantly, it's called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This should have been called Compassionate Communication. Why am I bringing this up? Is because folks, especially since my audience is women, I know you all think you're great communicators, but I can tell you, there's a TV show on Showtime called Couples Therapy. It's a real docudrama with hidden cameras, a real couples therapy sessions and the women are equally bad at expressing themselves as the men are. Let me repeat that, women are equally bad at expressing themselves as men are. And quite frankly, most of you women stifle your voice. You know, one of the reasons why I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? By the way, the link below, selflovethebook.com, selflovethebook.com is chapter one is Speak Your Truth, Do It With Kindness. Ladies, I witnessed this over and over again. You're unhappy in the relationship and yet you don't speak up. Well, how emotionally mature is that? If you don't speak up when you're unhappy in the relationship, because you're afraid he'll leave you, he'll leave you if you speak up. And what's the irony is this, ladies, when you actually start leading by example and leaning into being more expressive in the relationship, you create a greater bond with a guy. And when the two of you have a strong bond it's hard to break apart. But your lack of transparency towards how you're feeling about the relationship because you're afraid he'll leave. And by the way, chapter nine in my book, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. So ladies, stop being afraid of speaking your truth because it's leaning into your truth with a kindness, with kindness, that you have a greater chance of achieving relationship success, okay? All right, Regent, thank you for that, I appreciate it. Let's see what other questions we have. All right, question from EM. Question, what do I do if a guy you dated four months ghost but then comes back nine months later blaming his ghosting on anxiety medication and why would he reach back out? Oh, that's a great question. So it's not uncommon that human beings can only handle so much emotional responsibility in relationship. So I'm gonna repeat that, men in particular. Let's say, okay, we men have a predisposition to believe that we're capable of giving this much emotional responsibility but we kind of assume you want this much. And that gap in between oftentimes is called drama. I'm serious, but I'm joking at the same time. So what most likely happened, I'm sad to hear that he completely ghosted, in other words, without any word and he completely cut you off. So if he did come back nine months later, my hope is he came back with a very sincere apology for his behavior. Now his reasoning for it, we could look at it as an excuse. However, I'm gonna tell you something. A lot of people are feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety right now in general in their lives. I mean, we just come back, we just come off this pandemic and we're literally at least here in the United States, it's us against them, the Vax and the Not Vax, the Democrats and the Republicans, the this person or that person. I mean, it is such, there is a ton of anxiety out there just already in general. Not to mention your own individual life. So here's the one thing. Why did he come back? He liked you. He liked you. There was something there. What was missing in your relationship most likely was true intentionality. This is why I highly recommend reading this book called Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. And my invitation for you is to buy two copies of this book. And if you do decide to explore getting back together with them before the penis ever gets to go back inside the vagina, you purchase two copies of this book. The reason why it's called Eight Dates is there's eight critical conversations to have to determine true compatibility and understanding the mechanics of a healthy happy relationship. Now there's one section in here about children that doesn't relate to many of my clients in midlife. However, it might not be about having children but it might be how to incorporate children into your lives. But there's eight great conversations. And again, before the penis ever gets to go back inside the vagina ladies, make sure you vet him if you do decide to let him back into your life and say you're gonna have to jump through a lot of fucking hoops dude if you wanna get this woman back. But why? Because he likes you. That's why he came back. All right, great question. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that one. All right, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. Okay, sorry. Do you have a question? Post the word question and then write your question out so I can find you. It's easier to find you think, oh, there we go, Tina wrote. Question, once ghosted, how long should I try to make it right when I was at fault by leaning too much into the friendship? Okay, let me read this one more time. Once ghosted, how long should I try to make it right when I was at fault by leaning too much into the friendship? Well, listen folks, I'm of the opinion, there's no time like the present. Stop, again, going back to the stupid book, the rules, this whole narrative. By the way, I was listening to someone else's advice and said, well, if a guy texts you, wait four hours to respond back, so you don't seem eager. I'm like, that's such bullshit advice because that's manipulative. I'm a believer, strike while the iron is hot, have real sincere conversations with one another. Oh my God, this stupid narrative, this isn't a reflection of you who's asked this question, but have dialogue with someone, have real communication with someone. Folks, if you're not reading the book, How to Make Love All the Time by Barbara DeAngelis, I highly recommend reading this book because it teaches you the, again, just like eight dates, eight dates, it teaches you the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And folks, I know you don't like hearing this because you've been told by all these other dating coaches that men are the leaders of a relationship, that's a crock of shit. Ladies, you are in charge of your relationship, destiny not man, and you are the emotional leaders of the relationship. You are the emotional leaders of the relationship and how do you do that by leading by example? So again, remember I said most guys are winging it, they're winging it, they're winging it, stop winging it. Folks, this is serious fucking business. The minute, okay, let me tell you something, dating triggers the number one emotional health issue like nobody's business. I'm gonna repeat that, dating triggers the number one emotional health issue like nobody's business and that is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. And sadly, when someone has had a lot of dates that don't work out and lots of dates, in other words, one after another after another, the predominant end result is bitterness and jadedness. Remember when I talked about women who are complainers? Oftentimes people who are negative and complainers is because they become bitter and jaded and their mindset is all fucked up. I'm sorry, I'm just gonna call it for what it is. This is why I'm such a big proponent of doing the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. I highly recommend doing, this is, by the way, folks, if you wanna do this, this is gonna be 50 hours out of your life at a minimum. If you're not willing to invest a good 15, 20 minutes a day and it's gonna take 50 hours to do this work. If you're not worth 50 hours to shift negative patterns and limiting beliefs, then you have no business being in relationship because I'm gonna tell you, the shit that you bring from your past is gonna bleed into every future relationship. And so if you have negativity or criticism, that's the predominant conversation in your life, you're going to attract more and more negativity in your life. And I'm here to say that, let me go back to this question. There is no time like the present. Start speaking up to people. Let's stop this narrative of waiting and start having real conversations with one another. Can I please get an amen on that? And a thumbs up, thank you so much. All right, let's see what else we have here. Question, oh, here we go, Cat B. Oh, Cat B, hi, Cat B. Question, how do I confront the issue in my relationship where I feel the man is not acknowledging my feelings even though I am working really hard to be supportive of him? How do I confront? Okay, isn't that interesting? How do I confront? Isn't that an interesting choice of words? Instead of, and by the way, I'm not criticizing your cake but I think the word you were looking for is how do I express? See, confront is a violent term. I have to confront you, okay? Instead of expressing. So one of the things come back to this book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. By the way, folks, by the way, Kate, Cat, I'm not criticizing you. I'm only pointing out, and I know you probably didn't mean it that way but it's interesting. That was the choice of words you chose. And so going back to this question of how to address, maybe a better way of saying, how do I address and express that I'd like to have more communication with respects to my feelings? So this comes back to understanding the five love languages. By the way, folks, if you're not familiar with the five love languages, it's important to learn each other's love language because one of the primary reasons why people aren't connecting with one another is they're not speaking each other's love language. They're not actually connecting at an emotional level. In addition, I already recommended the book, Making Love All the Time, and I recommend this because it's going to teach you a lot of the mechanics of relationship and I'm a big proponent, folks. Listen, you're not gonna hear any other dating coach say this or you never know. Listen, by the way, I'm gonna say, I have to pause for a second and say, I recognize my arrogance when I criticize other dating coaches. I'm gonna own it. There's a level of arrogance out there, but I think it comes from a place not of wisdom, of just experience, okay? There's just a lot of garbage out there. And so I'm about to share something that I wished every couple would do and that is the minute the penis gets to go inside the vagina on a regular basis, I believe couples should be intentional about their relationship and I think they should do once a quarter a couple's workshop together. I'm gonna repeat that. Once a quarter at a minimum of a couple's workshop together. Folks, most of you are dating casually without any real direction and this is why you're frustrated over and over and over again because the reality is, as the saying is, why buy, listen, guys can get laid without very little commitment and we can get a lot of feminine energy from you, female energy, let me reframe it, from you without doing much effort. Let's stop this. By the way, when I talked about being your big brother with the shotgun, I want you to be the shotgun at the guy and say, what the fuck are your intentions if you want to explore getting to know me? And are you open to doing something called co-creating a relationship? Instead of ladies, you've been so indoctrinated that men are the leaders of the relationship and men are in charge. That's, again, bad advice because you are in charge of your destiny so I'm a big proponent of, I'm spitting, I'm a big proponent of relationship in the dating process being a two-lane street, a two-lane street where you're both making effort mutually, mutual effort. That includes taking him out on a date. If he's taking you out, you plan and take him out. It should be like a seesaw. It should be like a ping pong table, but no, no, a lot of, by the way, anyone who tells you otherwise, anyone who says it's the, by the way, let me give you an example of why I'm so fucking pissed off but I heard a relationship expert say, if a guy didn't offer to treat the valet after you've had this nice date with them, don't ever say yes to a second date. And I just thought about that. And let's just say he treated for dinner, bought drinks and he paid, but he didn't pay the valet. All right, that's a reflection. By the way, that's such an egoic bullshit excuse to say no to a second date, especially after he's been generous and I don't care what anyone tells you otherwise. Someone who's giving that advice is giving such harmful toxic advice to another human being because it's missing the most important piece, the person's heart. Someone was generous enough to treat you and then that's gonna be the reason why. Why isn't it that the woman isn't paying his valet? Why isn't that? I mean, I'm just put that out there. But to use, so this is why I'm so adamant about calling bullshit out when I see this because many of you have been indoctrinated in this false belief of how relationships should be. And I'm here to say your only chance for success in the future is to be intentional and to actually choose partners who are willing to co-create a relationship that looks like this instead of relationships that are winging it. I'm venting, I'm getting it off my chest. Thank you for listening. Okay, trying to come back to center. Thank you so much, Kat. And I appreciate you allowing me to kind of call you out a little bit on that one. And I know you didn't mean confront the way you said it. All right. Jenny says, I hate casual dating. This is why I'm single and don't go out on many dates. My time is valuable and I want a juicy, delicious relationship. Yes, it's all about vetting for shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. When you start operating from that premise, you have a greater chance of success. Folks, I'm going to share something personal. I had a woman from match.com reach out to me yesterday. And I'm very attracted to her. There's some commonality, but I read in her profile some things that I know what she states is not who I am. So I wrote her back. I said, look, I've read your profile. I think you have a great profile. You're very attractive. However, I don't think I'm what you're looking for. My lifestyle is not your lifestyle. And she wrote me back and said, Jonathan, I rarely ever get a guy, you know, reject me, but that was the nicest, kindest way to reject because you were being honest and sincere. Folks, I'm only sharing this as I know myself well enough. If I chose to follow chemistry, the attraction piece, I'd pursue her for a little bit. I'd get laid only to find out we're not a fit. Wouldn't you like to learn how to vet someone before you ever go out on a date? If that's something you'd like to learn how to do, check out the link to a free discovery call with me because that's my area of expertise to teach you how to vet for shared values, basically blendable lifestyles, emotional maturity. I teach you how to vet. So because compatibility is far more important, it's below the iceberg than actual physical attraction. Not to say chemistry isn't important, it is hugely important, but we become more attracted when we share values, have lifestyles are blendable, and have emotional maturity. All right. You know, since I shared something personal, I'm gonna take one more question. And from this point forward, if you have a question about me personally, post the question, and I'm gonna ask, answer personal questions within reason, okay? My coffee mug says, let that shit go, let that shit go. Okay. By the way, Margaret says, yes, sir, the woman should pay the valet. What a kind gesture. I will tell you, Margaret and everyone listening, I once had a date with a woman. This is 10 years ago, and we went out for drinks. And of course, you know, I picked up the tab. That's what I've been, you know, this is the way I've been raised, was to do that. And as we were leaving the place, it was a parking structure where you paid on your way out. And her car was in front of me. So her car was in front of me, she paid. And when my car came up, the guy said, hey, you don't have to pay the woman in front of you. The guy said, hey, you don't have to pay the woman in front of you, paid your parking. And I was like, holy shit, what a cool chick. Literally this tiny $3 gesture, maybe it was five at most. I can't imagine it was more than that. Made such an impression on me. See, this is my point. It's not, it comes from a place of generosity. When it comes from a place of expectation like that dating coach was suggesting, this is why dating is so fucked up. Because we've created all these stupid rules instead of focusing on someone's heart. God, it just infuriates me. The stupid little things people are, by the way, I heard one dating coach tell a woman, if you unbumble, if you've swiped right and he swiped right, you should basically let the time limit run out, the 24-hour time limit. Because if he doesn't re-register for you, he's not worth your time. Fucking stupid advice. I would never do that if a woman, by the way, this is unbumble where women do the asking or do the initial conversation. This is why I'm so angry and I get so adamant about it. All right, we're going to take one more question and then if you have a personal question for me, post it and I'm going to do my best to respond. Okay, Claudia writes, question, comment, Jonathan. I follow your advice to talk in a mature level to him. I was doing the distant thing with no results. Now we will start to read eight dates. Thank you. That wasn't a question that was a kind compliment, but thank you so much compliment. Claudia, I really appreciate that. And again, I'm all a big proponent of people speaking at a mature level. Can we do that? Can we start to be? Can we be adults in relationship? Can we be adults in relationship, please? Thank you so much. Thank you for sharing that. Okay, Kelly says, I love honest men. Oh my God. Here's the thing. Human beings are actually relatively honest most of the time. Very few people are genuinely liars and deceptive people. However, human beings can lie to themselves. Men and women alike can lie to themselves. And oftentimes it's the lie to oneself that comes out of their mouth. So I do appreciate vulnerability, authenticity and transparency. Let me repeat that. Vulnerability, authenticity and transparency. Men and women, if we were started to be more authentic, vulnerable and transparent. Again, coming back to this book, I love this book. Actually, this book, The Four Agreements. The Four Agreements. If you lived your life from this and then did the Buddha dated, boy, you're just going to be rocking and rolling. All right. Let's see what kind of questions I have before we wrap up. All right. Sadie says, Jonathan, do you like Turkish food? So folks, my heritage is Turkish. Both my parents are from Istanbul, Turkey. My mother passed away a few years ago. And I'll be candid with you. I haven't had Turkish food since. I miss my mother's cooking. Oh, my God. She just cooked the best. I mean, that's how she showed love. She would get up at four in the morning just to do. I remember she'd do string beans and she'd soak the beans and everything. I miss Turkish food and I do love Turkish food. So thank you for asking. All right. Next question. Dori says, when a man you have met states he is searching for a relationship, how do I verify the truthfulness of this statement? So five signs of emotional maturity. Actions match words. They have victor consciousness, not victim consciousness. They know how to fight there. In other words, they listen to a person's point of view and accept the other person's point of view as being true for them, even if there's a difference of agreement. They have empathy. And empathy isn't just I can feel your feelings. Empathy is I care about your feelings and I care about my own feelings. And lastly, transparency. That's the five signs of emotional maturity. Now, how do you vet for this ahead of time? Hey, you got to hire me as a coach. Schedule a discovery call with me because that's my area of expertise. I teach you the specific questions related to you to ask, in other words, questions specific to you to ask when you're dating to determine if he's legit or not. But I can tell you, anybody who's going through a contentious divorce ain't a good fit. Anyone that's going through chaos in his life isn't a fit. As much as they want connection and sex, they may not be a fit for a relationship. So pay attention to if there's chaos in the person's life. Dory, thank you for that question. Question, Jonathan, what dating site do you find to be the best? So let's be real here for a second. Dating sites are simply a tool. It's a spoke in the wheel to get seen by single, eligible people, whether you're on match.com, whether you're on OKCupid, whether you're on eHarmony, whether you're on J-Date, whether you're on, I don't like plenty of fish. Just my judgment around that. And as far as dating apps, Hinge, Bumble, The League, and even Tinder. OK, they're all portals. The reality is, is the dating process is fucked up and it's going to get progressively worse. Folks, I'm not here blowing smoke up your ass. By the way, most likely in the next 10 years, 75% of all new relationships are going to happen through an online connection. That's most likely what's going to happen. And it's a cluster fuck out there. That's why you have to learn how to be a better prospector, how to pre-qualify your prospect. And if you can't afford working with me specifically as a coach, I highly recommend reading this book, another book by Barbara DeAngelis, called Are You The Right One For Me? Are You The Right One For Me? Great book, because folks... Listen, dating and relationships trigger the number one emotional health issue. I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, and I'm not likable. And here's the thing, when we've had many, many bad experiences, we become bitter and jaded to ever being opening our heart up to new love. This is why I'm a big proponent of doing personal development work ahead of time to prepare you. So do... Oh, and by the way, I highly recommend reading the book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. This should be on your... By the way, here's a rule. Only read one chapter a day. This is... This is like being at the bottom of the ocean, covered in molasses, swimming in spaghetti. It's that deep and that thick. But it'll be worth it, especially after you read my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway, linked below. I gotta do a pitch for it. But I recommend reading this work to prepare yourself, and then you'll be able to recognize men who are ready to be in relationship. Tina, thank you so much for that question. All right. Jessica writes... And again, if you have a personal question for me, post it. Jessica writes, question. Began seeing an acquaintance a few weeks ago. He is a lot younger than me. I told him I like to see him only... I like to see only see each other and see how it goes. Did... Did jump the gun? Try to lock him into early? Um... First off... Okay, let's think about dating someone younger. Are you... Is this a 20-year age difference or a 5-year age difference? Okay, there's a 20-year age difference. I'm going to tell you. By the way, a lot of guys in their 20s or 30s love women in their 40s and 50s because they can get all this great sex and great connection, but they don't have to buy the cow, and when they're ready to get married, they find someone their own age. So I'm a big proponent of just be careful when you date younger guys, okay? Um... But did you jump the gun? Listen. If you were sincere and from the heart, not coming from fear, if you were sincere and from your heart, not coming from fear, there's no way you could have jumped the gun because you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. If you were coming from fear or ego, yes, you could have possibly jumped the gun. But then have a conversation with them. Folks, I had a... Okay, let me backtrack for a second. I had a woman that I went out with three years ago write me and said, hey, on the dating app, she swiped me and said, hey, Jonathan, hey, I know it's been a while since we spoke. Why didn't we have a second date? And I wrote her back. I said, quite frankly, I didn't think you were that into me. And I went on to explain more. And she wrote me back, Jonathan, I really appreciate your full transparency. I really appreciate your full transparency. Folks, when we're vulnerable, authentic and transparent, you can't do anything wrong. It may not be the right person, but that's okay. When you're with the right person, you cannot do wrong when you're vulnerable, authentic and transparent. Now, I don't mean vomit vulnerability, authenticity and transparency. I mean it within reason. But when you're that, you really can't say the wrong thing to the right person. I hope that helps. Jessica, thank you so much. Kelly writes, men are everywhere. Learn how to vet better. Exactly. Kelly, thank you. All right. Doug, our token guy here. I know there's more men on here, but Doug says, met a really great woman recently, took her to a nice dinner. She reciprocated by inviting me to her place for a wonderful homemade Italian meal. Reciprocation is nice. Exactly. Ladies, men are thirsty to be treated with the same kind of kindness and care that we do our best to treat you. And we are actually testing you, believe it or not. Grown-up men are, when I say testing you, let me reframe that. Let me reframe that. We are paying attention. Are you a taker or are you a giver? And I got to tell you, one third, if not half of the women out there are takers. So Doug will attest to this. I promise you he will. So we're paying attention. We are looking for givers. And it starts from the very beginning. Looks like that woman said, don't date a guy who doesn't treat for your valet. That's a taker. We don't like takers. Both human beings like givers. Giving at the same. It's a give, give, give, give, give. Both giving. Men and women alike. Can I get an amen to that? To the giving. Thank you, Doug. I really appreciate that. I'll take the next question. Oh, trend setter wrote a question. Okay. This will probably be the last question for the trend setter trend, trend setter, whatever it is question. Hi, Jonathan. Have you given up on casual sex at this stage of your life? Or do you know, do you now only date with the intention of getting to a committed relationship? I truly appreciate you. So personal question. I'm going to divulge the answer. I want to say that in the last four years, since my significant relationship ended, I've had two women who are friends with benefits. Okay. Two women who are friends with benefits. We both, well, they don't know of each other, but we know the score with one another. There's not much communication in between seeing each other. And it's only been like once or twice in a year in the last four years. So it's not something habitual or regular. I want to tell you that I've had plenty of opportunity to have sex with women on a first date. I'm being candid with you. I've had plenty of opportunity to have sex with women on the first date and I have avoided it because I knew they weren't the one. My days of getting laid for the sake of getting days is over for the most part, for the most part. Have I been amorous on a first date with someone and wanted to? Yes. Have I possibly crossed the line in the last four years? Maybe once. When I say crossed the line, my own line, I should say. However, I'm here to say that I'm not looking for a hard on. I'm looking for a heart on, a heart on. That's what I desire in my life. And I know a lot of guys like Doug included. We're actually more looking for a true partner in our life, someone that can, we can actually co-create something together where there's mutual attraction and a real grown-up there. And the only reason why I haven't found her is folks, 80% of the human population is emotionally stunted at best. And so we have to sift through a lot of people to find those emotionally mature people where there is, you know, that chemistry, you know, shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And I'm telling you, women are just as the, listen, ladies, you complain about men frequently. We have the same complaints. It's just the other side of the coin. So listen, my belief is my soulmate, my true love, my life partner is going to show up at the exact time that she's supposed to show up. She'll most likely knock on my door. She'll probably write me from YouTube or Instagram and say, Jonathan, I'd like to go out with you. And she'll probably even plan the date, although I'll probably, I would most likely be the gentleman and pick up the tab. And I'm saying that's probably what's going to happen in my life. It's going to be someone who follows me and my work resonates with them. Here's the thing. The reason why on some level that is a benefit is because when we meet total strangers, it's incredibly scary. So when a woman meets me and I'm a stranger, she has no idea who I am and that I'm actually a grown up and I'm emotionally mature and I'm actually intentional. So I'm having to sift through all of her armor that she has up to find her heart. But when someone who's already followed me, it's most likely her heart is going to be open. This is why I'm such a big proponent of doing all of this personal development work ahead of time. So your heart is wide open and you show up with beginner's mind instead of judgment, criticism, bitterness and jadedness. And I got to tell you, I've gone on so many dates in the last four years or actually since my divorce where the vast majority of women are hurting on the inside and I just don't have the patience to be there. I don't want to be their coach. I don't want to be their therapist. I don't want to be their tutor. I want someone who's going to show up at at least the watermark that I'd like to think I'm at. So Trendsetter, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. I want to wrap up this live stream both on Instagram and on YouTube. I want to thank you all so much for being on live. If this resonated with you, please hit that like button, hit the thumbs up. I would be truly honored if you'd share this with others. I would be so grateful if you could share my videos to your circle of friends because if you believe I'm making a difference and if my perspective resonates with you, please share it. All right. I'm going to wrap up today. I'm going to look at our board here because we've got some really nice comments. Maria, thank you so much. I really appreciate that. And there's some others. But anyway, I'll leave it at that. Everyone, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. I hope you found value. And we're going to wrap up this video as we always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic shot at the merit of self-love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow, and give yourself a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.